


The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth

by PensToTheEnd



Series: All Of Me Loves All Of You [3]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Bisexuality, Depression, Drug Side Effects, Drug Side Effects - Psychotic Episode, F/M, Hallucinations, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentions of other NHL players including Patrick Kane, Multi, Past suicide of other/minor characters, Same-Sex Marriage, Separation Anxiety, Suicide Attempt, Talk of triggers and flashbacks/nightmares about past trauma, Untreated PTSD from childhood, abelist language?, concussions (Past), just in case..., talk of depression, talk of in-patient psychiatric treatment, that's why i tagged abelist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-07-16 11:08:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 61
Words: 177,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7265566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PensToTheEnd/pseuds/PensToTheEnd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The 2015-16 NHL Season was a wild ride for Sidney Crosby, who got off to what was arguably the worst start of his career.  Then, in January, things changed.  Sidney took in rookie forward Jamie Marsh, who came to the team in a trade with Anaheim.  Soon, Sidney had fallen in love with his teammate and Jamie had fallen in love with Sidney.  Through the run to the Stanley Cup, they end up making their relationship public.  Now, with the Stanley Cup won, they head into the summer and 2016-17 NHL season.  But as William Shakespeare said in A Midsummer Night's Dream... the course of true love never did run smooth.</p><p>Sequel to "All of Me Loves All of You" & "Jamie's Story"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Wedding - Part I

Wedding Day

 

Jamie fidgets with his tie, unable to make his fingers work.

“Here, let me.”  Taylor says as she brushes his hands away and begins to form the tie into a windsor.

“Is he this nervous?”  Jamie tilts his chin up, giving her more room to work.

“More.  I think he was about to have a meltdown because he couldn’t get his shoe tied.”  She pulls the knot snug and tucks the end of the tie into his vest, straightening it out.  “There, okay let me see.”

Jamie steps back and turns around once.

“Need the jacket for the complete look, but so far so good.”  Taylor steps forward and slips her arms around his waist, pulling him in for a hug.  “I can’t believe this is finally happening.”

“Me either, T.  Me either.”

\---

“Mom, where did Dad go?  Does he have Jamie’s ring?”  Sid is pacing, which is driving Tanger crazy.

“Sid, sit down.  I have both rings.  We are okay.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous in my life.”  Sid sits down, his hands rubbing up and down his thighs.

“This is too much.  We should have just kept it simple, you know, like I wanted to do.  Just get married at the lake house in August.” 

Kris walks over and puts an arm around Sid’s shoulders.  “Well, if you hadn’t been such an asshole last summer, maybe that would have happened, but now you are stuck with this,” he waves his arm in grand gesture, “with this spectacle for the Pens, and the whole NHL.”

Sid stares at him.  “What do you mean, I was an asshole?  He was the one who left.”

“Yes.  Because you were an asshole.”  Tanger’s voice takes on a serious edge.  “And you were lucky we all didn’t lose him forever.”

“Not today.”  Sid stands up, shaking his head.  “We aren’t talking about that today.  He’s fine and he’s here, and,” he stops when his reflection in the mirror catches his attention.

“Holy fuck, Tanger.  I’m getting married.”


	2. Vegas Baby!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah. But we are here now and there’s nothing we can do about it, so let’s go have some fun.”
> 
> Jamie gives him a wry smile. “Stanley going swimmin’ in Vegas?”

June 2016

What a wild ride it had been so far, Jamie’s head was still spinning trying to take in everything.  The Parade.  Countless parties and celebrations.  The U.S. Open.  And now, Vegas baby!  And all done while helping Sid tote around his newest, best friend, Stanley.  The Stanley Cup that is.

And to top it all off, Jamie signed his new three-year contract on the 17th, complete with the no-trade clause that Sidney had made the Pens put into the contract.  Unheard of for a rookie to get that, but Rutherford and the other top brass had to agree, Sidney and Jamie presented a new dynamic in the league. 

Negotiating contracts with a couple, an open same-sex couple, was a unique situation, obviously.  Sidney and the Pens wanted to set a precedent, that open couples couldn’t and shouldn’t be traded apart unless they both agreed to the trade.  It might not make some teams happy at that thought, but it was the right thing to do.  This would be a first step to hopefully help the league become more accepting and accommodating to players who come out as gay, bi, or transgender even.

The clause to the contract didn’t mean that Jamie wouldn’t ever okay a trade, but the team couldn’t forcibly separate them.  Married players with a no-trade or no-move clause would certainly talk over any trade options with their spouse before making a decision, just because both parties in the relationship were players didn't mean they shouldn't have that same option. Some couples could make a long distance relationship work, some maybe couldn’t.  Sidney had thought about it before going to Rutherford and Mario.  The decision he said, should be up to the couple, not the team.  It had caused some friction, until Sid looked at them and said, “If you think that if you trade him, without our okay, that I’ll stay here, think again.”  And that, had been that.

So Jamie now finds himself in Las Vegas, riding the high of the Stanley Cup win, a $700,000 a year contract, and being engaged to the best hockey player in the world.  They are in Las Vegas for the annual NHL awards ceremony because one, they won the cup, two, Sid is up for the Hart Trophy for league MVP, and three, Duper is nominated for the Masterton Award.

Everything is right in the world.  Until it’s not.

Dumes:  _Have you seen the trade rumor?  Calgary wants Flower._

Jamie:  _WTF!  NO!_

Dumes:  _Don’t panic.  Nothing has happened yet.  How is Vegas?_

Jamie:  _Has been great until now… WTF Dume-ass… How will we get along without him?_

Dumes: _IDK Fluff.  But we need to wait and see what happens._   _Hey, you 2 aren’t eloping are you?  Vegas wedding and all???_

Jamie:  _No!  Planning for August, maybe.  Have to see what is going on then.  Have camp, World Cup shit, whatever.  So is Flower going to okay a trade?_

Dumes:  _IDK.  Yes?_

Jamie is sulking in their hotel room when Sid finds him a little while later. 

“Don’t worry,” he stretches out next to Jamie on the bed, “I talked to him.  Whatever happens, he’s okay with it.  It’ll be fine.  Calgary might not even meet Jim’s terms.”

“If not them, somebody will.  Fuck trades.”

“Yeah.  But we are here now and there’s nothing we can do about it, so let’s go have some fun.”

Jamie gives him a wry smile.  “Stanley going swimmin’ in Vegas?”

"Just don't dent it this time, like you did in San Jose."

"Hey, that was all Shears' fault." Jamie is laughing as he gets up to change into his swim trunks.  

As Jamie steps out of his shorts, and before he can slip on his trunks, Sid jumps up off the bed and grabs him by the hips.

"So, as long as you're naked, maybe the swim can wait a little bit?"  

\---

Tuesday night they host a party in their suite for whoever is in town.  Jamie is having a good time meeting other players from around the league, all of whom have nothing but good things to say about Sid and him coming out.  He’s sipping on a beer when he hears him.

“Baby Penguin!  Has been too long since I see my favorite rookie!”

That fucking Russian!

Jamie turns around and before he can put up a protest he is encased in a pair of arms and pulled in to a Russian bear hug.

“Fuck, Ovi, I can’t breathe!”

“Oh, sorry,” Ovi lets him go, “I forget how fragile baby Penguin is.  So how is your head?  All okay now that you win cup?”  Ovi taps him on the head for emphasis.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Where boyfriend?  I must congratulate him on his fine choice.  You so much cuter than other babies.  And so much cuter than Zhenya. But I will tell you,” Ovi leans in, like he’s going to tell Jamie something top-secret, “Zhenya baby is cutest Russian baby ever.”

Ovechkin slaps Jamie on the back and walks away in search of Sid.

\---

Wednesday morning Jamie makes some phone calls that he has been putting off.  The first is to his dad’s Attorney in Edmonton.  Jamie tells him that he is planning on coming for to Edmonton for his day with the cup, which will probably be in late July or August.  He asks for the lawyer to arrange to have his parents’ house, his house, opened up and cleaned now, because he will be coming out in mid-July, after Sidney’s hockey camp.   

His next call is to Dr. Wheatley, the neurosurgeon who has been caring for him since the concussion in the game against Washington in the second round of the playoffs.  The headaches have come back, worse than before, and the medications aren’t helping.  They talk for some time, determining that this is a chronic condition and not something acute requiring emergency or immediate treatment.  Jamie makes arrangements to see him in Edmonton on July 19.


	3. What Happens In Vegas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ovechkin pats Jamie on the leg, “Yes, you. You well liked baby Penguin. I told you, you my favorite rookie. Have not liked rookie so much since young Zhenya come to Capitals. So when I hear, I maybe make calls to friends. Kesler hurt you, they hurt Kesler. Is simple like that.”
> 
> Jamie has no idea why, but since the second round series of the playoffs, Ovechkin had become a close friend. It was oddly satisfying to hear that Alex had gotten people to hit Kesler for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why? Because I can... and I'm still riding high off the cup win... so... mostly fun stuff as we move the story along...

Jamie stretches out on the chaise lounge by the hotel pool, closes his eyes and cranks up the music blaring through his IPOD shuffle headphones.  Very quickly he feels a presence, someone standing over top of him.  He raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun and slowly opens them.

“Baby Penguin, I bring you drink.”

“I’m not old enough to be drinking in public Alex,” Jamie says as Ovechkin sits down, pushing Jamie’s legs aside with his ass.

“Is not alcohol.  Alcohol and sun not good for you.  Is ice tea.  I hope you like unsweetened, too much sugar not good either.”  Ovi hands Jamie the glass.  “So where is boyfriend today, leave you all alone among the wolves.”

“Sid had some media obligations,” Jamie takes a sip of the tea as it registers what Ovi said.  “What do you mean alone among the wolves?”

Ovechkin nods his head at some of the other hockey players sitting around.  “Wolves.”

Jamie looks around, a few of them nod or give a small wave when he makes eye contact.  He avoids looking at Ryan Kesler, who is sitting on a stool at the outside bar. 

“Ah, yes, you see.  I hear you already have run in with that wolf,” Ovi gives Kesler a nod.  “You know, could make him go away.  I know people.”

“Yeah, thanks Alex, but no.  Geno already made that offer.  It’s okay.  He’s kept his distance.”  Jamie wonders who else Alex thinks of as a wolf, now that he’s identified Kesler as that.  “Besides, how do you know about that?”

“Is hard to keep secret in league, we are like gossipy old men.  Especially when there is such cute baby out there to prey on, wolves will come out.  You are lucky you found home in Pittsburgh, no bad wolves there.  And they protect their babies.  Have many friends around the league who will also protect babies for me.” 

Jamie is more than a little confused by Ovechkin, but hey, that’s become the norm of their relationship.

“What do you mean, Alex?”

“Let us just say that maybe Kesler got run into the boards more than once, or got a slash here and there, after story spread about your problem in game in February.  Think he got black eye in fight, too.”

“Because of me?  I don’t believe you.”

Ovechkin pats Jamie on the leg, “Yes, you.  You well liked baby Penguin.  I told you, you my favorite rookie.  Have not liked rookie so much since young Zhenya come to Capitals.  So when I hear, I maybe make calls to friends.  Kesler hurt you, they hurt Kesler.  Is simple like that.”

Jamie has no idea why, but since the second round series of the playoffs, Ovechkin had become a close friend.  It was oddly satisfying to hear that Alex had gotten people to hit Kesler for him.

“So who else is a wolf I need to worry about?”

Ovechkin looks around the pool area.  “Quick.  He like pretty babies.  And Doughty.  Is interesting they are teammates.  Individually dangerous, yes, but often like to team up.”

“No shit.  Good to know.”  Jamie sets his drink down and lays his head back, closing his eyes again.  “Go away now.”

Ovechkin pushes Jamie’s leg, “No.  Now is time for fun in pool since hotel gives it to just us for this time. Come.  We play water polo.  Get Holts to be our goalie.  We play Benn, Bishop and Burns.  Burns say he like chance to beat your ass.”

“Are you kidding?”

“Come.  We kick ass!”

Jamie sets his Ipod aside and gets up.  The other players are already in the water.  The hotel set aside two hours of pool time for just the NHL players staying there, so they could enjoy some private time.  It was a good thing, because although they are supposed to be adult professionals, they are really highly competitive little boys.  A friendly game of water polo quickly turns into full contact, full hold under water to get the other person to release the ball, full kick in the dick, full pull suits down, full let’s nearly drown each other, water polo.

They decided to play first team to five, which then becomes the first to ten after Alex and Jamie get to five first and Burns says they have to keep playing. Jamie is pretty sure that Brent Burns may be one of those wolves Alex warned him about.  His hands have been all over Jamie, including grabbing him in the crotch several times.  Jamie has been able to fend him off so far, but as the game goes on, the throbbing in his head starts to increase.  After half an hour, Alex, Jamie and Braden are up 8 goals to 6.  Ovechkin has the ball and goes to pass to Jamie.  Just as the ball gets to him, Burns jumps on his back, pushing Jamie under water as his arm hits Jamie’s head.  That's the end of what Jamie can endure at this point.  He comes up sputtering and swims to the edge of the pool, coughing.  Alex watches him instead of going after Burns and the ball.  Burns passes to Benn who slams the ball past Holtby.

Alex swims over to Jamie, who has his arms crossed on the pool ledge, his head down on them.

“Look at me, Jamie.”

Jamie lifts his head.  Ovechkin has seen enough of his teammates look this way over the years to know what is wrong.   He swims to the others who are waiting across the pool and talks to them for a few minutes before swimming back over to Jamie.

“Come on, baby Penguin.  Is enough fun for now.  I take you back to your room and stay with you while you rest.”

They climb out of the pool, grab Jamie’s stuff, and head inside.  As they wait for the elevator to come, Jamie leans against Alex, his head throbbing.

“Two things Alex.  One, you can’t say anything to Sid about this.”

“Not a word, but he will see it.  And what is second thing.”

“If I let you stay in the room while I’m asleep, I had better not wake up with marker on my ass.”

Ovechkin laughs, that deep from the gut Russian laugh of his, and throws his arm around Jamie’s shoulder, guiding him on to the elevator.  “I promise.  That was Nicky’s idea anyway.”

\---

Sids walks into his hotel suite to see Ovechkin relaxing on the couch watching TV, but no Jamie.

“He is sleeping.  Too much sun and rough house in pool.  I bring him back to room and stay with him.”

“Too much sun?  Sasha, the truth.”

“He make me promise to not say anything to you.  But, he has problem Sidney.  His head hurts him too much.  Doctors still saw that he is okay?”

“Yeah.  They’ve tried adjusting the meds.  He doesn’t think I know.”  Sid sits down next to Alex.  “Thank you, for keeping an eye on him for me.  You didn’t tell him I asked you, did you?”

“No.  Is our secret.  And you can’t tell him I told you about headache.”

“No. Our secret.” Sid sees a red Sharpie marker on the table next to the couch.  “Oh my god, Sasha, you didn’t.  He’ll kill you.”

Ovi grins, “I just promise not to put marker on his ass.  He didn’t say anything about chest.”

That night, Sid ends up asking Pat Brisson to sit with him at the awards presentation.  Jamie stays in their room and watches on TV, claiming as Alex had suggested, that he’d had too much sun and that was why he didn’t feel well. 

It had been a good thing Alex was gone when Jamie woke up, too.  That ‘fucking Russian’ as Jamie called him, had written across his chest in red marker _Jamie Loves Alex_ inside a huge heart.


	4. On The Road Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They should have flown, but no, Jamie wanted to have his Jeep there to drive, and he wanted to take up some of his belongs that he’d finally had shipped to Sid’s from California. So they were driving. Twenty hours. In the vehicle. Together.

Friday, they are back in Pittsburgh, while Sidney’s Cup as Jamie has started calling it, is on its way to Buffalo for the draft. 

“I can’t believe you let your cup out of your site for the weekend.” Jamie had prodded Sid as they flew home.  “Are you having separation anxiety?”

They pay attention to the draft, Rutherford doesn’t make any big trades.  Just as he did at the trade deadline, he stands pat with the team he has, the team that won the cup.  That doesn’t mean that trades won’t happen, but at least for now, Jamie can relax, Flower isn’t going anywhere yet.

Friday afternoon, Jamie calls Dr. Vyas to give him an update on the headaches and let him know about the appointment with Wheatley.

“Jamie, let’s try a different medication altogether,” Vyas suggests.  “Stop over tomorrow and I’ll go over it with you.  Don’t just stop the other cold, though, take a half dose for two days, then skip a day and take another half dose, then we’ll skip a day and start you on the new med the day after that.  Okay with you?”

“Willing to try whatever you want at this point.”  Jamie answers.  Something at some point has to help.

Over the weekend they pack up some of their things, load them in to Jamie’s Jeep.  Monday morning, bright and early they set out for Cole Harbour.   Not even three hours in to the drive, Sid realizes that this may have been a very bad idea. 

They should have flown, but no, Jamie wanted to have his Jeep there to drive, and he wanted to take up some of his belongs that he’d finally had shipped to Sid’s from California.  So they were driving.  Twenty hours.  In the vehicle.  Together.

Sid also realizes that agreeing to drive with Jamie is not his only mistake today.  His other mistake was to not let Jamie go for a run before they headed out.  Jamie is like a hyperactive toddler.

Jamie has already flipped through all the radio stations several dozen times.  Sid has suggested he put in a CD, or find his thumb drive or IPod.  But no, that’s not what Jamie does.  He continues to just repeatedly hit the seek button on the radio.

Jamie unbuckles himself half a dozen times, half climbs into the back seat and digs around for god knows what.  One time it is for food out of the cooler.  To which Sid points out that they have only been on the road for an hour and that Jamie had a big breakfast, so how could he possibly be hungry.  To which Jamie had slammed the cooler shut, sat back down in the passenger seat and pouted for the next half hour.

Jamie has had his feet on the dash, which Sid finds amazing because, well, how does he get all 6’ 4” of himself bent up so that he can get his feet on the dash.  Sid also finds it annoying. 

“Jamie, feet.”

“Fine.”

Fifteen minutes later, they are back.

“Jamie, feet.”

“You know, this is going to be a long trip.  I should be allowed to be comfortable since you’ve insisted that you will be doing the driving.”

Which leads to another round of pouty Jamie.

Jamie sees a Volkswagon Beetle and punches Sid in the arm.  "Punch Bug!"

"Ow!  What the fuck was that for?"  Sid rubs his arm.

"When you see a VW Beetle, you yell 'punch bug' and slug the person next to you.  Didn't you ever play this game?"

"No.  And we aren't playing it now."

"Jesus, and they call Toews Captain Serious.  Lighten up and have some fun already.  We have a lot of drive left."

Jamie is on his phone texting with the guys.  

"Duper says you need to stop being mean to me."

"What are you telling them?  I'm not being mean to you."

"Oh, and Dumes says we should definitely play punch bug on the team bus from now on.  It'll be awesome."

"No.  There will be no punching on the bus."

"Flower says you're no fun." Jamie looks up as they pass the signs for food available at the next exit.  "Hey, MickeyD's.  I need a milkshake, Sid.  The Arctic Orange shakes are out and they are great, I need one."

"No.  We are not stopping at McDonalds.  You do not need a milkshake at 7 am."

"Flower says quit being a dick and buy me a milkshake."

A slight detour later, Jamie is happily sucking down an Arctic Orange shake, and Sid has to admit as he takes a sip of his, they are pretty good.

Jamie plays with the air conditioning, cranking it on high and then rolling down his window.

“What are you doing?”

“I like the fresh air, but I like the a/c too.”

“One or the other.”

Which leads to pouty Jamie number three, who alternates every 10 minutes between having the window down or the a/c on, until Sid finally gives in and says he can have both at the same time.

Sid looks at his watch.  Only 17 more hours to go.  God help me, he thinks.

“God damn it, Jamie.  Feet!”

\---

The best part of the ride for Sid is going through Maine, because Jamie sleeps the entire time.  When they get close to the border, Sid gives him a shove to wake him up, so Jamie can dig their passports out of his duffle bag.

“Hey, I was thinking about my day with the cup.  I’d like for us to take it to Edmonton.”  Jamie says off-handedly as he pulls the passports out.  He’s been really excited about the chance to take the cup home for a day.

“You can take it there, that would be okay.  I thought you’d just stay in Cole Harbour or Pittsburgh with it, though, since you don’t have any family in Edmonton anymore.”  Sid, who has been driving for hours, is really only half listening to Jamie.

“I want to take it to the cemetery.”  Jamie offers.  “To show it to my dad and to Kicks.”

“Well, you can do that, that would be nice.” 

“I want you to come with me.”  Jamie reaches over, laying his hand on Sid’s leg.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to, have camp, training with Nate and Matt, a lot of commitments Jen set up, and then the World Cup.  Gonna be a busy summer.  Plus, I’ll have had my days, you should have yours.”

“I thought?  I thought we were going to take a vacation for a couple of weeks.  I thought we could go to the cabin, we could go so we’d be there when it was my day with the cup.”  Just last week they’d joked with the rest of the team about how they’d get to spend three days with the cup because they’d get Sid’s two and then Jamie’s.  Dumo told him how jealous he was.

“I don’t think that’s gonna work out.  You have a lot to do this summer, too.  Never enough time in a short off-season.”

“You said,” Jamie stops himself.  “Whatever.  It’ll be fine, I’m still gonna take the cup home.”

While they’d been in Vegas, they’d talked about taking a vacation.  Not the honeymoon to Disney World, but just a couple of weeks away, by themselves.  Jamie had been really excited at the thought of taking Sid to Edmonton, to show him his home, take him to the cabin.  But now, Sid was more or less brushing him off, or at least that’s the way Jamie is perceiving Sid’s comments.

Jamie remembers what the guys had said to him that day at Kuni’s house, that Sid would give up everything for Jamie.  Jamie had told them that wasn’t true at the time, but then Sid had said it, and Jamie had believed him.  But he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, give up training with his buddies Nate and Matt so he could spend some time with Jamie alone?  At least that’s what Jamie just heard.

“Hey, since you had a nice long nap,” Sid yawns, “once we get into Canada do you want to drive the rest of the way?”

“Sure,” Jamie answers, his voice subdued from what it was just a few minutes ago.  Sid doesn’t notice.


	5. Growing Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trina and Troy exchange looks of confusion and concern. Taylor just stands with her mouth open, watching Jamie leave.
> 
> “So what did you do this time?” she finally asks Sid.
> 
> “Me? He’s the one who’s been pissy since we left Pittsburgh.” Sid ignores Taylor’s huff and ‘yeah, right’ comment and goes back to talking about everything he has scheduled for the summer.

“I really think August, by the lake,” Trina Crosby says as she gets up from the dinner table, taking her dishes to the sink, then returning to clear the other plates.

“This August?” Taylor asks, getting up to help her mother.

Sid looks at Jamie, who doesn’t say anything.  “I don’t know, maybe a little tough to plan something for this year.”

“I think we could do it,” Trina grins at Jamie as she takes his plate, “don’t you, honey?”

Jamie grins back, “I think you could.  And I’d like that.  Plus, it could be something small for now.”

“We told our friends they’d all be invited, plus I’m not sure when we’ll have time.  Camp is coming up, I told Jen I’d do some media relations stuff, Jamie’s going to Edmonton.”

“Jamie’s going?  Aren’t you both going?  I thought you boys were going to get away for a while this summer.”  Troy Crosby knows Jamie told him that Sid was going to Edmonton with him.  When he looks across the table, Jamie is staring down at his hands in his lap, while Sid keeps talking.

“No.  I just don’t think it’s going to work this summer, too short an off-season, but I’ll take that for winning the cup, how ‘bout you, Jamie?”

“Yeah.  Winning the cup, that’s what’s important.”  Jamie stands and walks away, “Excuse me, gonna go make some calls, have some things to take care of before I leave.”

Trina and Troy exchange looks of confusion and concern.  Taylor just stands with her mouth open, watching Jamie leave.

“So what did you do this time?” she finally asks Sid.

“Me?  He’s the one who’s been pissy since we left Pittsburgh.”  Sid ignores Taylor’s huff and ‘yeah, right’ comment and goes back to talking about everything he has scheduled for the summer.

\---

Nate Mackinnon and Matt Duchene are in town for the camp, and to work out with Sid and Andy.  On the Friday night before camp starts, they all go out to dinner, Nate and Matt, with their girlfriends, and Sid and Jamie.  They end up going to a quiet Italian restaurant that is one of Sid and Nate’s favorite places in Cole Harbour.

“So, much backlash towards the camp from your big coming out?”  Nate asks as he takes a piece of homemade bread and passes the basket to Matt.

“Not much,” Sid offers, buttering his own piece of bread, “we lost a handful of kids whose parents informed us that they would never let their kid learn anything from a fag, even if he won the Stanley Cup.”

Matt picks up his wine glass, “I say we all have to take a drink every time Cros says he won the cup.”

“That leaves Jamie out, Dutchy,” Nate glances over at Jamie, “sucks that you can drink at home and not here, huh.”

Jamie just shrugs his shoulders, “At least neither place is 21 like the states.” 

“Funny Matt,” Sid says, “anyway, we had no trouble filling the spots of those we lost.”

“Did they really refer to you as a fag in the letters?”  Matt’s girlfriend asks.

Sid nods, “Oh well, it’s going to happen.  Not like I haven’t seen that kind of stuff before.”

“Why yes, Cindy, we know.”  Nate’s comment brings out some chuckling around the table.

Jamie reaches for Sid’s hand which is resting on the table, but Sid pulls it away.  Jamie looks at the others, nobody was paying attention he thinks, except Nate, who has a puzzled look on his face.  Jamie stares at Sid for a moment, then looks down and fiddles with the napkin in his lap. 

The talk for the rest of the meal centers around the upcoming hockey camp and the chance to get to run a couple of practices again this year.  Matt and Nate sit holding hands with their girlfriends, hey, it’s what couples do, right, but every time Jamie reaches for Sid’s hand, he pulls it away. 

The ride home after dinner is quiet, until Sid reaches over to hold Jamie’s hand and this time, Jamie pulls away.

“What is your problem?”

“Mine?  I don’t have a problem.”  Jamie leans against the door and avoids making eye contact when Sid looks over.  “Or maybe I’m just being pissy.”

“Fuck, way to go T,” Sid whispers under his breath.

They don’t talk at all the rest of way home.  Jamie falls asleep on the couch watching a movie.  The next morning, Sid wakes up to no Jamie, only a note that says he’s gone to Sid’s parent’s house.

\---

Sid:  _Coming home for dinner?  Steaks.  7 pm._

Jamie:  _Maybe._

Sid:  _Clothing optional._

Sid:  _Whatever I did I’m sorry._

Jamie:  _Whatever you did?_

Sid: _I’m sorry.  I evidently have been a dick as Flower said._

Jamie:  _Just a bit._

Sid:  _So, let me apologize for whatever I’ve done with dinner tonight.  Steaks, salad, potatoes.  What say?_

Jamie:  _Fine._

Sid:  _Dessert is on me._

Jamie:  _Ice cream?_

Sid:  _With whip cream and a cherry…_

Jamie:  _Okay._

Later that night, Sid is in bed, naked, with his back propped against the headboard, his arms stretched out, his wrists loosely tied to the bed frame.  Jamie, also naked, straddles Sid’s hips, holding a pint of ice cream and a spoon.

“You lied,” he says as he runs his tongue across Sid’s cheek, “you said there’d be whip cream and cherries.”

“Sorry, we didn’t have that, but you are getting ice cream.  Chocolate peanut butter, you’re favorite, which I had to make a special trip to get.”

Jamie takes a spoonful of ice cream and lets it drip onto Sid’s chest.

“Hey, that’s cold.”

“Ah, ah, ah… no protesting.  You said dessert was on you.  And if you had to go out to get the ice cream, you should have gotten the whip cream and cherries.”  Jamie drops his head, the tip of his tongue skims over Sid’s skin, stopping to lick each drop of ice cream. 

“Do I get to have any?”

Sid reaches for the spoon, but Jamie holds it out of his reach.  He scoops some ice cream onto the spoon and holds it for Sid who takes the whole spoon in his mouth.  He only takes half the ice cream off the spoon, so Jamie smears the rest along Sid’s cheek, nose, and chin, then leans in, his tongue licking each spot carefully.

“You are really enjoying this too much.”

“Mmmm….” Jamie hums as he licks the last small drip of ice cream off Sid’s chin.   He licks down Sid’s neck as he gets another spoonful of ice cream. 

The cold ice cream drips slowly onto Sid’s nipple, causing it to harden, and Sid to hunch away from the cold.  Jamie circles the hard nub with his tongue several times until Sid moans and pushes his chest towards Jamie.  Jamie takes the nipple between his teeth, tugging it gently before pressing his mouth over it and sucking. 

Jamie sits back up, and scoops another spoonful of ice cream, feeding it to Sid.

“You know, I have an idea,” there is a mischievous glint in his eye.

Sid, with a mouthful of ice cream, mumbles something that Jamie thinks sounds like ‘don’t you dare’.

Jamie shifts himself lower on Sid’s legs as he gets another spoonful of ice cream, then sets the pint aside.  He sucks the whole spoonful into his mouth, rolling it around.

“No.  No, Jamie. Don’t you dare.”

“Fuck, cold.”  He lowers his head down and slides his mouth, full of ice cream, down over Sid’s dick.

“Fucker!”  Sid sucks in a sharp breath.  The cold of the ice cream and warmth of Jamie’s mouth combining to cause pulses of pleasure and pain to shoot through his dick.  “Oh my god.”

Sid pushes his hips up, fucking into Jamie’s mouth.  Jamie lets the ice cream slide down the underside of Sid’s dick, then draws it back up, his lips closed tight around Sid, before letting it slide down again.

“Fuck.  Jamie, that’s not…”  Sid clenches his eyes shut, unable to focus as all thought of anything but Jamie’s mouth, the cold of the ice cream, and the sensations they are causing flood from his brain.

Jamie lets the ice cream almost completely melt against Sid before pulling his mouth almost all the way off and swallowing, then he starts working his mouth up and down Sid’s hard shaft, turning his head back and forth so that his tongue can lick all around each side. 

Sid doesn’t last long under Jamie’s oral manipulation, cumming deep in his throat when Jamie pushes his mouth all the way down pressing his lips into Sid’s skin.  Jamie continues to lick and suck until he feels Sid going soft in his mouth, finally sitting back up. 

“Damn, that was pretty nice.”

“And you said, no.  See, I have the best ideas.”

“So what’s been wrong since we left Pittsburgh?  What exactly am I apologizing for having done this time?”

Jamie tenses.

“You really don’t know what you’ve been doing?”

“No, I asked Nate if he knew what I did last night and he didn’t know.  He said you did seem quiet last night.”

“So you asked Nate what was wrong with me?  But you didn’t ask me until just now?  You haven’t asked at all until now, after I,” Jamie reaches up and tugs the ties, releasing Sid, before getting up off the bed and walking towards the bathroom.

“What are you doing?”

“Taking a shower, then I’m going to go watch some TV.”


	6. Wedding Day - Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid isn’t following Tanger, “It was because of the meds, but he’s not taking them anymore, Tanger. He’s not going to…”
> 
> “It wasn’t because of the medications, Sid. Aren’t you listening to me?”
> 
> “Yeah it was, he wouldn’t have,” Sid stares at Kris’ face. “Oh shit. Why are you telling me this now?”

Wedding Day

“So do you have your vows,” Taylor releases Jamie from the hug.  “You wrote them down, right?  Cause you are never going to remember them once you get out there in front of all those people.”

Jamie pulls a folded index card out of his pants pocket. 

“Do you want to read them?” he asks as he offers the card to Taylor.

“No, I’ll wait.  I’m sure I’m going to cry and well, I don’t want to cry twice.”

“How long yet?”  Jamie sits down.  “Should I be putting on my jacket?”

Taylor looks at her watch, “No, not yet, we still have a half-hour.  Why’d you put your tie on already.  That’s got to be uncomfortable.  I’m surprised you’re wearing one, I mean, Sid said that ever since, well that you didn’t like wearing one and the team hadn’t made you.”

Jamie reaches up, slipping a finger underneath his collar and tie, rubbing his neck.

“I’m sorry,” Taylor says, “I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“It’s okay, T.  The tie is fine.  I can take it off for the reception.” Jamie closes his eyes, like he’s trying to stay calm.

Taylor sits down next to Jamie, leaning up against him.  “You’re okay, right?  I haven’t told anyone what you told me about that day.  But you need to promise me you won’t ever do it again.”

Jamie tips his head to the side, resting it on top of hers. 

\---

“You know, he was an asshole, too.”

Sid is adjusting his tie for the twentieth time. 

Kris walks over and swats his hands away, “Your tie is fine, quit messing with it or it won’t be, then I’ll have to re-tie it for you.  And yes, I know he was an asshole.  But you were the bigger asshole.”

“How exactly was I the bigger asshole?”  Sid smooths out his vest, again.

“You didn’t go after him.  You left him out there, by himself, and we almost lost him.” 

Sid stops what he’s doing, “I said we weren’t talking about that.  Besides it was the medication, it wouldn’t have mattered if I’d have been with him.”

“Yes it would have, Sid,” Kris puts his hands on Sid’s shoulders. “ And I’m going to tell you that he is under a lot of stress today, with this whole spectacle that they had to come up with to show everyone that what he did wasn’t about his relationship with you.  So you need to know, that it was.”

Sid isn’t following Tanger, “It was because of the meds, but he’s not taking them anymore, Tanger.  He’s not going to…”

“It wasn’t because of the medications, Sid.  Aren’t you listening to me?”

“Yeah it was, he wouldn’t have,” Sid stares at Kris’ face. “Oh shit.  Why are you telling me this now?”


	7. Jared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Marcus Strahn, this is my son, Jared. He’s a big fan.”
> 
> Jamie shakes the kid’s hand, “Jared. Nice to meet you. Would you like me to autograph those for you?”
> 
> “Yeah. That would be great. We used to watch you play in Edmonton, for the Oil Kings.”
> 
> “So do you play?” Jamie takes the Pittsburgh Jersey and signs on the front logo.

Jamie is sitting next to Taylor at one of the check-in tables as 160 young hockey players filter in to Cole Harbour Place.  Some of the youngsters remember Taylor from the previous year, some of them recognize Jamie.  They are all excited.

Some of the parents comment about his relationship with Sid to Jamie, a few of the mothers asking about a possible wedding.  Jamie blushes a lot and politely answers their questions with a lot of thank you and I don’t knows. 

He first notices the teenager as he and Taylor are picking up their papers, getting ready to head in to the welcome session.  The boy, maybe 15 or 16 stands behind his father as they wait to go find a seat in the bleachers to watch the camp activities.  Jamie thinks he remembers him talking to a younger girl, a sister probably, who is attending the camp.

Jamie feels funny thinking of him as a kid because he is only a few years younger than Jamie, but the kid has dark hair and dark eyes that avoid making contact with anyone around him, but have been fixed on Jamie a couple of times when he’s looked over.  He’s maybe 6 feet tall, broad shoulders, muscular for his age, obviously a hockey player himself.  There is something about him that Jamie thinks he recognizes in the way the kid is acting.  He’s standing there staring at the kid when Taylor tugs his arm to get his attention so they can go in to the meeting.

\---

Jamie looks for the kid and his father in the stands on Tuesday.  When he finds them, the kid is wearing one of Jamie’s jerseys from Edmonton.  Jamie keeps watching until he catches the kid looking up at him.  Jamie tugs his sweatshirt and mouths ‘nice jersey’.  The kid’s face lights up and he mouths back a thank you.

\---

On Wednesday, the kid is wearing one of Jamie’s Pittsburgh jerseys.

\---

Jamie doesn’t go to camp on Thursday because of a headache.  Instead he stays home to make some calls to Vyas and Wheatley.  They decide to increase the dosage of his medication now instead of waiting until the first of the week. 

\---

While they are wrapping things up with the kids at the end of the day on Friday, Jamie slips out and goes to find the kid and his father.  When he does, the kid is wearing the Edmonton jersey again, and carrying the Pittsburgh Jersey.  They are standing off a ways, away from the other parents.

“Hi,” Jamie walks up and sticks his hand out to shake the father’s hand first.  “Jamie Marsh.”

“Marcus Strahn, this is my son, Jared.  He’s a big fan.”

Jamie shakes the kid’s hand, “Jared.  Nice to meet you.  Would you like me to autograph those for you?”

“Yeah.  That would be great.  We used to watch you play in Edmonton, for the Oil Kings.”

“So do you play?”  Jamie takes the Pittsburgh Jersey and signs on the front logo.

“Yes.”  Jared keeps looking down.  “Are you bringing the cup to Edmonton for your day?”

“I’m planning on it.  You’ll have to come see it.  I think I’m doing an autograph session at the new arena.”

Jamie is standing there talking to the father and son about the new arena, Rogers Place, when Jared looks across the arena and sees his sister coming out.

“There’s Jessica.  Thank you again for the autographs,” he says, bolting away to go see his sister.

Jamie shakes the father’s hand again, “Guess that’s my signal to take off, too.”

“Thank you.  You made his week, getting to see you and now meeting you I’m sure.”  The father holds on to Jamie’s hand, not letting him leave.  “And thank you for coming out.  You and Sidney, what you did, it has meant a lot around our house.”

“Jared’s gay?”

The father nods, “He was going to quit hockey.  Some of the others found out and were giving him a bad time.  Then we were watching the Stanley Cup finals and well, there you were.  He was already a fan, but then when he found out you were like him.  He worked a lot of odd jobs for family and friends to save the money so he could come with me to bring Jessica, just because he might get the chance to meet you.”

\---

Jamie tells Sid about meeting Jared later that night, and about what Jared’s father said.

“Can we call Pat Burke when we get back to Pittsburgh?  I’d like to do a promo.”

“Are you sure,” Sid asks, “we talked about not being the poster boys for You Can Play right away.”

“Yeah, I know.  But I think we should.  If we are going to be out there, we might as well be out there.”

“We’ll see.  We can talk more about it when we get back to the Burgh.”


	8. What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I changed my flight, on my way to Edmonton. I’m sorry, but you’ll just have to tell all your followers on social media that there isn’t a need for a wedding watch any longer.

“Are you all of the sudden embarrassed to be seen with me in public?” 

Jamie slams the dishes down on the kitchen counter.  They are cleaning up after a party on Saturday night to celebrate the successful hockey camp.  Jamie starts running water in the sink to rinse the plates before putting them in the dishwasher.

“Why would you think that?”  Sid has a garbage bag in one hand and is picking up empty bottles and cans that litter the counter and table with the other.

“Ever since we got here, you’ve pulled away from me every time I try to touch you in public.  And you fucking practically ignored me all week.  You and your buddies.”

“Nate and Matt are friends, we just worked well together because we did the camp last year.” 

“And I’m your fucking teammate and boyfriend.  I think we would have worked well together.”  Jamie jams a plate into the bottom rack.  “And what about tonight?  Every time I sat down next to you, you got up and moved.  What the fuck was up with that?”

Sid stops what he is doing, “Were you at the same party I was at?  I didn’t do that.”

“Seriously?  You think you didn’t keep brushing me off tonight?  I went to hug you when you were grilling the chicken and you visibly tensed.”  Jamie turns around to face Sid, “Tensed and ducked out of my arms. So are you ashamed of me?  I mean it’s a little fucking late for that, Sid, you fucking kissed me on national television.” 

“I told you I wasn’t too keen on public affection. It’s just going to take me a little while to get past that.” 

“National fucking television, Sid.  That’s pretty much as public as you can get and that didn’t seem to bother you in the least."

\---

Despite the argument, Jamie sleeps in their bed, but keeps his back to Sid all night.  Sunday morning, he gets up and goes for a run around the lake.  So they had a fight.  Probably won’t be there last, but still, it bothers him all morning.  Sid just didn’t seem to get why Jamie was upset.

When Jamie comes in, Sid is gone, leaving a not saying he has gone to workout with Andy and the guys.  Jamie is more than a little hurt, not to mention jealous, at being excluded again from Sid’s little Cole Harbour group. 

Jamie grabs his laptop and settles down on the couch, clicking the power button.  Nothing happens.  Jamie pushes the button again and nothing happens, again.

“Fuck.”

It’s plugged in, it worked last night, it’s not that old.  What the hell.  He sets it on the coffee table and goes in search of Sid’s laptop, finding it in the office. 

Jamie settles in on the couch again and fires up Sid’s computer.  When the login prompt comes up he types in Sid’s password.

_SidtheKid8787_

Really original there Crosby, he thinks.  Jamie can’t believe no one has ever hacked Sid’s accounts because his passwords are pretty easy to guess, or as Sid argues, easy to remember.

Jamie goes to Facebook first and is a little confused when there is a user already logged on.  He looks at the user name.

“What the fuck?” 

This can’t possibly be right, so he goes and checks Tumblr next.  The user name is logged in there, too.  He feels the burning sensation in his gut.  Hurt.  Anger.  Betrayal.  This can’t be what it is, something just isn’t right here. 

So he goes and checks Twitter. 

“That fucker.”

He is trying desperately to understand what he is seeing, to wrap his brain around this.  Why would Sid have done this?  He hates social media.  He barely computer literate as far as that goes.  Jamie wonders about some other things, so he opens Sid’s email, feeling a little guilty for snooping.  No, not snooping.  They both have each other’s passwords, he’s checked Sid’s email before. 

There is an email folder marked You Can Play, which Jamie doesn’t remember seeing before.  Jamie clicks it open and there they are, emails between Jen and Wade Davis and Pat Burke.  There are You Can Play promotional shoots set up for late August, just before Sid would have to report for the World Cup training camp.  These must be the media obligations Sid said he had already set up.  So why didn’t he say anything when Jamie suggested they do it? 

Then he sees another email, from Sid’s attorney.  It must have gotten put in the wrong folder, typical for Sid.  There is a file attached.

Jamie can feel the hot pit in his stomach flaring, spreading through his body.  It feels like someone has a vice around his heart and they are squeezing it.  It’s not like Jamie didn’t think about this type of thing, but seeing the document right here in front of him, with two lines in the email.  _You need to look this over.  I think it is important for you to do this._

Jamie reads it over.  It is cold, impersonal, and to the point.  It protects all of Sid’s assets.  It clearly lists everything, or the nothing, Jamie would be entitled to if they ever separated.  Sid has always made a point of telling Jamie that everything was now theirs not just Sid’s.  Their houses.  Their cars.  Theirs.  And this wasn’t the generous to a fault Sid, the Sid who had bought him the Jeep when he barely knew Jamie.

“Fucking fucker.”

Jamie shuts the laptop down, sitting there, numb, trying to comprehend what he found. 

\---

Sid walks through the front door of the lake house.

“Jamie!  Baby boy, you home?” 

No answer.  Jamie’s Jeep is in the drive, so he has to be here.  Sid goes from room to room looking.  Nothing, no Jamie.  Then he makes his way to the bedroom, maybe he’s taking a nap.  His heart sinks when he sees it, laying on the pillow on Sid’s side of the bed.  Sid’s laptop and a plain envelope.

Inside are two items, the key to Jamie’s Jeep, and his ring.

“Fuck.” Sid says under his breath. 

There is a note, Sid unfolds it hesitantly, afraid to read it.

_My computer wouldn’t start, thought I’d use yours.  I know you said you wanted us to ‘get outed’ but imagine my surprise when I found out my boyfriend is an admin for all of the PensWeddingWatch pages.  I’m guessing you had help, or maybe since you are so good at lying about things you have been lying about your lack of computer skills as well._

_It’s not bad enough that you outed us, after telling me over and over again how you didn’t want to be out.  But then once we are, you act like you don’t want to be, at least here you have.  You can think you don’t do it, but you do.  You’ve pulled away from me whenever we are out in public, like at dinner our first week here, or whenever we are around your friends. Did you stop to think that maybe I’d have liked to gone to work out with Andy and the guys, too?  Or that maybe I’d just like to have at least been asked?_

_I changed my flight, on my way to Edmonton.  I’m sorry, but you’ll just have to tell all your followers on social media that there isn’t a need for a wedding watch any longer._

_I left these, too.  You can tell your lawyer that I’m not in the habit of keeping anything that really isn’t mine._

_I’ll make arrangements to get my stuff in Pittsburgh as soon as I find a place to stay there._

_Make sure you send out the right tag…   #NoMoreWeddingWatch_

Sid sits down heavily on the bed, his legs unable to hold him up, hands shaking.   

“Oh Crosby, you really fucked up this time.”

\---

Jamie sits on the plane, looking out the window, all the images of the things he read on Sid’s computer running through his mind.  Maybe it was all too fast.  He guesses he really didn’t know Sid that well if he was able to hide all of these things from him. 

Why would Sid have done the whole couple watch thing?  Why wouldn’t he have told Jamie?  Fuck him.  Then having the You Can Play stuff already set up, why didn’t he say anything?   The pain, the tightness settles in his chest again. 

Jamie hasn’t called or texted anyone to tell them yet, not sure how people, their friends, will react.  Maybe when he gets to Edmonton he’ll call.  He rests his head against the window, closing his eyes. 

There is a problem with taking things at face value or not looking deeper, there is a problem with not communicating.  Or with not trusting.  Had Jamie only looked at a few more emails. 

The email from Sid back to his lawyer.

_Thanks for thinking of this, even though I never asked to you to draw up a pre-nuptial.  I don’t need it, nor do I want it.  Even though we aren’t married yet, what is mine is Jamie’s already.   Getting married isn’t going to change any of that.  And if we would ever separate, which I can’t even think or believe could ever happen, I will happily give him anything he wants.  I would give it to him now, so why wouldn’t I give it to him then.  Delete this.  I will never ask him to sign one._

And the email back to Jen about the You Can Play promos.

_Glad you were able to set this up for me.  I haven’t talked to Jamie about it, because we were both certain that we didn’t want to do anything this quickly, but, after the emails and letters you showed me, I think we should and I’m sure Jamie will agree.  And he’s going to think it is so cool that we do it in Disney World.  I’m going to surprise him for our birthdays with the trip, so I was glad you could get the dates moved up to shoot the promos.  See you soon!  Thanks again for all this!_

And the email from Jen, sent the morning of game one of the Stanley Cup finals.

_Sid,_

_Got this in an email.  Based on our conversations, this may be a good idea.  It would allow you and Jamie to come out (please forgive me for using that term) without actually having to come out.  I saw the pictures this morning, the ones with the rings clearly visible.  I have gotten a few questions, it is going to break sometime this week.  Someone is going to write an article outing you, or speculating that you and Jamie are together.  I can’t imagine having to deal with this now, right when you are starting the Cup finals.  But maybe we can get some positive stuff out there without us having to do anything._

_Dear Mr. Crosby,_

_I am a huge fan, and I am gay.  I saw some pictures this morning, and read some comments – not so good – that you and Jamie Marsh may be gay and may be together as a couple.  I hope that is all true!  Anyway, my friends and I have a little group that we call our hockey watch.  We post photos and stories to each other about seeing hockey players around our cities, one friend lives in Chicago, one is now in Montreal, and one is in Dallas.  We have a lot of fun with it.  Anyway, we would like to start a webpage and other pages as PensCoupleWatch.  It would be all positive things about you and Jamie, we wouldn’t let anything mean or bad on the page.  But people could get behind you guys and support this.  I think you’d be surprised how many people would follow something like this.  We aren’t deranged stalkers (LOL) we don’t ever approach or harass any of the players we see, we just snap a photo.  Our page isn’t out there for people to see either, but the new one would be._

_Because we want to do this, and we want you to know that we really do want this to be only positive, we would like you or someone you trust to also be an administrator on all of the different social medias we are going to use.  Here is the user name and password, all the sites are the same._

_Username – PensCoupleWatch_

_Password – SidJamie2016##_

_If you do not want this, and feel strongly against it, we will either not publish or take it down at any point in the future as well if things change.  We do not want to do anything that will hurt you or Jamie.  As a gay man myself, and an activist for LGBT rights, I have heard over and over from people that it is sometimes easier if you want to be open about your sexuality that you are ‘outed by someone’ rather than having to just come out and say you are gay, lesbian or bisexual yourself.  Kind of like we just go about our lives like everyone else and let whatever happens happen.  You don’t have to even acknowledge the ‘outing’ it is just there and people will think what they want. This page could be a way for you to do that._

_Please let me know your decision.  Thank you._

\---

As for not holding hands or letting Jamie hug him, Sid hasn't told him that he hurt his hand and arm rough housing in the pool in Vegas.  Sid has been hoping it will just go away.  He's been taking ibuprofen every day since it happened, finally going to see his local doctor.  Probably just strained he'd been told, give it time.  But when Jamie holds his hand, Jamie has a tendency to squeeze, so Sid has pulled away.  Jamie squeezes when he hugs as well, so Sid has pulled away.  Sid has been hoping the arm will get better before the trip he has planned to Disney to surprise Jamie, he'd hate to have to cancel it.  However, he thinks, an injury would keep me out of the World Cup.  Then Jamie and I could take a longer vacation like Jamie wants.  

So, he hasn't told Jamie about the possible injury, and he's just walked away whenever Jamie's wanted to argue since he can't defend his actions without divulging that information.

Sid also hasn't invited Jamie to go work out because he is working on another surprise for Jamie, he's trying to make arrangements for a surprise birthday party for Jamie.  Sid wants to have it before the trip to Disney, actually it will be at the party where he springs the trip on Jamie.  Jamie is scheduled to go to Edmonton for the last two weeks in July, then be back for his birthday.  Matt, Nate, and Andy have all gotten a little upset with him for spending his time texting and talking on his phone to make plans, instead of training with them.  But this is his only time during the day when he can be away from Jamie to do this if he wants it to be a surprise.


	9. Unstoppable Force Meets Immovable Object

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tanger: No he hasn’t called or texted Jamie. And Jamie hasn’t called or texted him. 
> 
> Duper: The problem is that we are dealing with two immature children as far as relationships are concerned. We knew this about Sid, thought Jamie was more mature. So we have a problem.
> 
> Flower: I have a feeling making them kiss on television is going to be easier than getting them to talk to each other.

July 18th

Flower:  _He needs to get his ass on a plane and get it to Edmonton!_

Tanger:  _He won’t.  He’s a stubborn fuck and he thinks he did nothing wrong._

Duper:  _I can’t believe he is going to fuck this up at this point.  Just when I thought we were safe._

Flower:  _Duper can’t you talk some sense in to Sid?  I’ve tried._

Tanger:  _I’ve tried too.  I’ve also tried talking to Jamie. Sid isn’t the only stubborn fuck in that relationship._

Kuni:  _All Sid had to do was tell him what was going on._

Geno:  _Sid not good at love things.  Never good at fixing things when bad relationship.  Why he not ever have long time in love.  Things go bad Sid run away.  This time Jamie run.  Sid need run after Jamie, Flower right._

Tanger:  _Jamie is really mad and really hurt.  What do we do?  I could fly out._

Kuni:  _We need to tell Sid to get over it and call or go to Edmonton.  Flower is right._

Flower:  _Wow.  Thanks.  It’s good to be right.  I should write an advice column._

Tanger:  _Flower stop it before I have to kick you._

Geno:  _Have Sid call Marshmallow?  Text?  If not go see then Sid should call._

Tanger:  _No he hasn’t called or texted Jamie.  And Jamie hasn’t called or texted him._

Duper:  _The problem is that we are dealing with two immature children as far as relationships are concerned.  We knew this about Sid, thought Jamie was more mature.  So we have a problem._

Flower:  _I have a feeling making them kiss on television is going to be easier than getting them to talk to each other._

\---

July 19th

Jamie feels like shit.  He has hardly slept since leaving Cole Harbour on Sunday.  Now he is on his way home from his appointment with Dr. Wheatley. 

Wheatley thinks it’s time to try a different approach to the headaches, recommending that Jamie try going to a chiropractor, since the medicine and physical therapy haven’t done the trick.  Wheatley really feels that this is a soft tissue issue or that something is ‘out of whack’ with Jamie’s neck and back from the hit. 

He’s positive it isn’t a cerebral vascular issue or still a concussion issue.  The current medication is helping Jamie says, so far at least.  It is a medication, however, that needs to build up in your system for total effectiveness, Wheatley explains.  And it is one that they prescribe in progressive doses until the most effective level is reached.  So Wheatley ups Jamie’s dosage and will increase it again in two weeks.

Jamie opens the door and walks in to his home.  The house is so quiet without anyone here, he thinks.  This is the first time he has really been here alone, without his parents, without Cat.  The house is too quiet. Sid hasn’t called or texted, or made any effort to contact him at all.

Tanger has called.  Flower has called.  Duper has called.  They have given him all of the reasons why Sid did what Sid did.  It was all just a misunderstanding, they said.  His response was that he needed to hear that from Sid.  Sid needed to tell him that what Sid had done was wrong.  To which Duper had told Jamie to fucking grow up because what Jamie did, running away without letting Sid explain anything, was just as wrong.  Well, fuck them.  He could have guessed they’d make excuses and take Sid’s side in all this.

He’s made some decisions the last couple of days.  He’s calling a realtor today to put the house on the market.  He’s keeping the cabin, however, to spend summers there if he wants.  He also needs to start looking for someplace to stay in Pittsburgh, maybe he should call Dumes, he could stay with him for a while.  Well, he could probably stay with any of his teammates for a while, except for all of Sid’s friends. 

Jamie had turned off his phone while at Wheatley’s, and when he turns it back on there are a number of missed calls and text messages.  Including one he didn’t expect to see.

Sid:  _How did dr appt go?_

Jamie debates about answering him, typing out a message and deleting it twice, before just laying his phone down on the kitchen counter.  Jamie fixes himself a sandwich, grabs some chips and a bottle of water and heads in to the living room, picking up his phone on the way.  He sits down on the couch and sets his plate on the cushion next to him. 

Jamie:  _Fine.  Seeing chiropractor and upped med dose._

He’s surprised that he gets a response right away.

Sid:  _Good?  Okay with that?_

Jamie:  _Yes._

Sid:  _Did you hear news?  Sunshine traded to NJD.  Rev signed free-agent contract with them too._

Jamie:  _Saw that.  Will miss Beau.  Will miss Rev more, also not looking forward to playing against him.  He hits fucking hard!_

Sid:  _Yeah he does.  But now you won’t have to worry about hurting Beau if you hit him._

Jamie:  _I miss you._

Sid:  _I miss you, too._

Jamie:  _And?_

Sid:  _And what?_

Jamie:  _???  Maybe an I’m sorry Jamie for being an asshole that lied to you?  That might be a start._

Sid:  _I’m the asshole?  Who’s the one who left without even letting me explain._

Jamie:  _You can explain lying to me?  You can explain pushing me away?_

Sid:  _I didn’t lie to you._

Jamie:  _Really?_

Sid: _I may have withheld things, but I didn’t lie.  I just wanted to surprise you, with the trip to Disney, with everything._

Jamie:  _What about hurting your arm?  You got upset when I tried to hide the headaches.  How is that not the SAME!_

Sid:  _Because you were trying to play with what could have been a serious head injury._

Sid:  _Jamie?_

Sid:  _Jamie?_

\---

July 21st

Duper:  _So they talked?  What happened?  All made up?_

Tanger:  _No.  Of course not.  Sid says they had another fight.  Says Jamie is being a brat.  A spoiled brat I think is what he said._

Duper: _And Sid isn’t?  We’ve seen this before from him.  He’s dug his feet in and isn’t going to budge because he’s who he is._

Flower:  _Sidney Fucking Crosby!  So skilled at hockey. such a failure at relationships.  Why?  Why are we stuck with him?_

Tanger:  _Right!  Why do we even care?_

Duper:  _Because we love him._

Kuni:  _We love them both._

Tanger:  _Okay.  I’ll call Jamie.  AGAIN.  Flower you try with Sid.  All Jamie wants is for him to say he’s sorry I think.  God knows._

Flower:  _Yeah.  Right.  For the polite Canadian boy, Sid has a hard time saying he’s wrong about things.  But for my Grasshopper, I will try._

\---

July 25th

Jamie has been taking the increased dose of the anti-depressant for a week and he doesn’t feel right.  It is supposed to help him sleep, keep him relaxed, and on an even-keel, Wheatley had told him.  But he’s had trouble sleeping the last few nights, more so even than at the beginning of the week when he flew in from Cole Harbour.   In addition, he’s hardly eaten anything.  Wheatley said to give it a week or so to build in his system, that they might increase the dose after just one week instead of two.  The doctor said that the effects would usually go away within that time.

Jamie figures that since he is back in Edmonton, he will call Janet to see if he can get an appointment to see her.  The earliest day he can get is the 1st, his birthday, and his day with the cup.  He sets an appointment for 9 am, which won’t interfere with his autograph signings that are already scheduled for that day.

In addition to the signings, and taking the cup to the cemetery where his parents and Kyle are buried, Jamie isn’t sure how he will spend his day with the cup.  He should be spending it celebrating with Sid, just as he should have been at Sid’s days over the past weekend.  After thinking about it for a while he pulls out his phone and send a text.

Jamie:  _Cup day is the 1 st.  Will buy you plane ticket!  Come celebrate with me!_

It is almost an hour before he gets a response.

Dumes:  _Just got text.  Was out with Kayla.  Can fly in Sunday and stay til Wednesday!!!  I’ll get my own ticket… how are you doing?  Heard about break-up._

Jamie:  _Okay.  Lonely here.  Hope you know what you are agreeing to_

Dumes:  _Yeah F Buddy… I kinda figured that was why you invited me out_

Dumes:  _Truth is I miss you.  Will be good to get in a few runs too._

Jamie:  _Same here.  Let me know your flight info, will pick you up.  Can’t wait to see you!_

Dumes send a string of penguins, Stanley cup, and heart emojis.  Jamie feels good about something for the first time since coming back to Edmonton.

\---

July 27th

Dumes:  _I’m flying out for his birthday.  I’ll try to talk some sense into him._

Flower:  _Do you think he is okay?  When I’ve talked to him on the phone he seems off._

Dumes:  _How?_

Flower:  _Not himself.  I don’t know how to describe it._

Tanger:  _I noticed something too.  You know he hasn’t seemed like himself for a while now.  Since they put him on the meds for the headaches.  Wonder if that has something to do with it._

Dumes:  _Wonder if that has something to do with stuff with Sid?_

Tanger:  _Maybe.  Let us know what you think when you see him._


	10. Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, you gonna jerk off thinking about me again? Just like the first time?”
> 
> Jamie jumps, looking around. No one.
> 
> “What the fuck?” 
> 
> He rubs his hand over the back of his neck, just standing there for a couple of minutes. He goes to the sink, washes his hands and splashes some water on his face. When he straightens, he just stares at his reflection in the mirror.
> 
> Jamie sees him again, standing behind him, his reflection clearly there behind Jamie’s in the mirror. Jamie closes his eyes, it’s not real his brain says, but his heart so wants him to be there. When he opens his eyes, Kicks is still there.
> 
> “Hey, Marshie. You look like hell.”
> 
> Jamie whips around and Kicks is gone.

Things only get worse the rest of the week, Jamie can’t sleep, able to only grab an hour here and there, then he is back up.  He tries running, but it isn’t helping, by Friday he feels like he is going to crawl out of his skin.  He’s in the kitchen trying to fix himself some breakfast but is having trouble focusing.

Jamie cracks four eggs into a bowl and starts to whisk them with a fork, picking up the bowl to get better leverage.

“I’m sorry.”  The voice startles him.  “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

Jamie looks up.  His breath catches and the bowl falls out of his hands, crashing to the floor.  “Fuck!”

He looks down at the eggs splattered across the floor, when he looks back up there is no one standing there.  It wasn’t real.  He wasn’t there.  That would be impossible.  Jamie grabs some paper towels and starts cleaning up the eggs.

When he’s done, he decides cooking is too much trouble, so he just turns off the stove, grabs a beer out of the fridge and goes into the living room.  Jamie turns on the TV and finds a movie to watch.  He’s finished about half his beer when he hears the voice again,

“I told you he wouldn’t leave you.  I’m sorry.”

Jamie’s head jerks towards where he thinks the voice is and sees him standing there.

“Kicks?”

“Hey, Marshie.”

\---

Jamie rolls over, looking around.  He’s on the couch and it is dark outside.  Well, I guess I got some sleep, he thinks.  As his eyes adjust to the dim light, he realizes the TV is off and there are several empty beer bottles on the floor.  His mouth is dry, and he feels slightly hung over.  His stomach rumbles. 

“Fuck.  I must have been dreaming.”

Jamie gets up and looks at his watch, 11 pm.  Jesus, he sat down around 9 am.  He gets up and goes to the bathroom.  He’s standing in front of the toilet, shaking his dick off, when…

“So, you gonna jerk off thinking about me again?  Just like the first time?”

Jamie jumps, looking around.  No one.

“What the fuck?” 

He rubs his hand over the back of his neck, just standing there for a couple of minutes.  He goes to the sink, washes his hands and splashes some water on his face.  When he straightens, he just stares at his reflection in the mirror.

Jamie sees him again, standing behind him, his reflection clearly there behind Jamie’s in the mirror.  Jamie closes his eyes, it’s not real his brain says, but his heart so wants him to be there.  When he opens his eyes, Kicks is still there.

“Hey, Marshie.  You look like hell.”

Jamie whips around and Kicks is gone.

\---

Jamie pulls up at the passenger pick-up area, stopping in front of Brian, who tosses his bag in the back seat and climbs in the passenger side.

“Wow, you look like shit.”

Jamie’s hair is a mess.  He’s wearing dark sunglasses.  His shirt is wrinkled and his shorts look to be the same.  Basically he looks like he just climbed out of bed.  Brian thinks, but can’t be sure he smells beer on Jamie’s breath.

“Yeah, good to see you, too, Dume-ass.”  Jamie says snarkily.  “Haven’t been sleeping much.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yep.  You’re here.  So everything is good right now.”  Jamie pulls out in to traffic.  “You hungry?”

They stop at a local diner and have dinner.  Jamie talks a lot about Edmonton, telling Brian he plans to take him for a run along the river.  Jamie talks a little bit about Sid and what’s going on there, very little.  Jamie takes him on a driving tour around some of the more impressive parts of Edmonton before they head to the house.

When they get there, Jamie gives Brian a quick tour, depositing his bag in the master bedroom along the way, before ending in the kitchen.

“You want a beer?”  Jamie grabs two out of the fridge.  Brian notices a large number of empty bottles on the counter.

“You collecting them?”  Brian asks, taking the bottle from Jamie.  “That’s a lot of bottles, Fluff.”

“Hmm…. Oh yeah.  No, I’ve just been lazy about taking the garbage out.”

As Jamie walks into the living room, Brian trailing behind him, he hears the voice again.

“Why’s he call you Fluff, Marshie?”  He looks around, but doesn’t see Kyle.  Fuck.  Brian’s here, saying something, he’s not dreaming again, so why is he hearing Kyle’s voice.

During the movie they settle on watching, Jamie gets up to go get another beer, asking Brian if he wants one, too.  Brian declines, he’s tired from the flight and the beer is only making him sleepier.

Once the movie ends, Brian stretches and yawns.  “Think I’m ready to call it a night.”

“Okay.”  Jamie gets up, offers Brian his hand and pulls him up off the couch.  Jamie pulls Brian in close, encircling him with both arms.  “So, fuck buddy, do I get a fuck tonight?”

“Hey, this is your party, so whatever you want.  I guess I could stay up for a while, yet.”  Brian rocks his hips against Jamie when he says the word ‘up’.  “But then again, you’ve been drinking.”

“So, not too drunk.”

“Porn sex.  I swore never again.  I made you swear to it.”

“Oh.  Right.”  Jamie thinks back to the night in Washington, after game one of their playoff series.  Ovechkin had gotten Jamie drunk.  Jamie was mad at the world.  Jamie had gone to Brian’s room and well, probably scared him for life with the rather rough, wild sex he’d wanted.  Brian called it the porn sex incident.

“Not that drunk.  Or that mad at anyone.”  Jamie takes Brian’s hand and leads him to the bedroom.

They both strip down and climb on the bed, Brian stretching out on his back with Jamie straddling his hips, sitting over him.  Jamie leans down, planting a kiss first on Brian’s cheek and claiming his mouth in a warm, soft, lazy kiss. 

When he finally pulls away, he says, “See, no porn sex.”

Jamie reaches to the bedside stand and takes a bottle of lube and a condom out of the top drawer, handing them to Brian.  Jamie turns himself around, so his ass is over Brian’s chest, he reaches down and takes Brian’s dick in his hand, stroking slowly.  Brian is already half-hard, it won’t take much to get him completely there.

Brian squirts some lube on the fingers of his right hand.  Jamie arches his ass back, causing his cheeks to spread, giving Brian access to his hole.  A low murmur escapes his lips when Brian doesn’t waste any time, but unceremoniously jams a finger into Jamie.

“Fuck, Dumes.  Yes.” 

Brian only fucks in and out a few times before he jams a second finger in alongside the first.  Jamie pushes back against the pressure, rocking his hips on Brian’s fingers.

“Well I see you didn’t wait very long to get fucked.”  A different voice says.

Jamie’s head snaps up.  “Sid?”

No one is there.

“What, Jamie?”  Brian asks.

“Nothing.”  Jamie shakes his head, trying to get back into a rhythm with Brian’s fingers.

“At least it’s Dumo and not some stranger.  I’m surprised.”  Sid’s voice says to him.

“Fucking A.”  Jamie pulls away from Brian, clamoring off the bed and heading to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

“Jamie?  What the fuck?  What happened?”  Brian gets up and goes to the closed door, leaning against it.  “Jamie are you okay?  What happened?”

“Nothing.  I just… I can’t do this.  Just,” Jamie’s voice is uneven, shaky.  “I’m sorry, I just can’t.  Just go to bed, Dumes.  I’m gonna take a shower.”

Brian waits a couple of minutes before walking down the hall to the other bathroom to wash his hands before going back to the bed, on the way he finds his phone in his pile of clothes, sending out a text he knows none of them will see until morning.

Dumo:  _Fucked up.  Something’s really wrong.  Drinking A LOT!  Worried._

He lays down and closes his eyes, hearing the water in the shower start running.  He is worried, something is wrong with his best friend.  Brian tries to clear the thoughts, but he can’t, when Jamie finally comes out of the shower, Brian is still awake.

Jamie slides in bed next to him, laying on his side with his back to Brian.  Brian reaches out and slips an arm around Jamie’s waist, pulling himself up tight against Jamie’s back.  He gently kisses the nape of Jamie’s neck, then settles his head against Jamie’s shoulder.

“You okay?”  he asks.

“Fine.  Sorry about that.”  Jamie’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“It’s okay.  Night, Fluff.”

“Night Dume-ass.”


	11. Back in Cole Harbour...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the party for his family and friends, Sid mingles and visits politely with everyone. At one point, though, he steals off by himself for a bit. Taylor finds him alone, sitting on the edge of his bed. She watches him through the partially open door, not wanting to disturb him. Sid is flipping something in his hand. Taylor watches until she realizes it is Jamie’s ring. She watches Sid throw it against the wall after a few minutes, then lays back on his bed, his hands covering his face. Taylor doesn’t say anything, just turns and walks away.

Meanwhile, back in Cole Harbour… 

July 18

“What do you mean he left?  What did you do?”  Taylor yells at Sid, who sits uncomfortably at the kitchen table in his parents’ home.

“I didn’t do anything.  I told you he’s been acting all pissy.  He was on my computer, found some stuff he shouldn’t have seen.  And he got pissed and left.”

“So, you were an asshole to him since you get here and he’s the one who’s pissy?  And what did he find, were you hiding shit from him?”  Taylor is really mad.

“T, language.”  Their father reproaches her.

“He found out about the You Can Play shoot, and he saw the pensweddingwatch stuff, well that I’m an admin at least.”  Sid sighs, “and the pre-nup that I never asked my lawyer to send me.  I should have deleted it.”

“Well, have you called him to explain everything?  To tell him you’re sorry for being a douche?”

“Taylor!  Do not call your brother a douche!”  Troy scolds her again.

“Fine!”  Taylor huffs and storms out of the kitchen.

“Thanks, Dad.”  Sid says as he fusses with his coffee cup.  “If he just hadn’t gotten on my computer everything would be fine.”

“You are being such a douche, Sidney.  Your sister is right.”  Trina gets up and walks away.

“So?  You gonna say it, too?”  Sid looks at his father.

“No.  I think they’ve done a good job.  So what are you going to do?”

“Wait for him to call me.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  He stormed out like a spoiled two-year-old.”

“Sid.”

Sidney looks up at his father.

“I’ve changed my mind.  You are being a douche.  Get over yourself, and call him.  Before you screw up the best thing you’ve ever had.”

Troy gets up and walks out of the kitchen, leaving Sidney alone to think things over.

\---

July 20

“I texted him.  We got into a fight.” 

“This is all really stupid, Sid.”  Tanger tells him again.  “Why can’t you just say you’re sorry to him.  That’s all he really wants I think.”

“Why should I say I’m sorry?  He’s the one acting like a spoiled brat, running to the other side of the country just because I didn’t dote on his every move here.  I told you guys this would never work, he’s too young to…”

“Bullshit!”

“What the hell?”  Sid is taken back by the anger in that one word from his friend.

“I said bullshit!  He’s not too fucking young.  You did this on purpose.  Well, maybe not consciously on purpose, but you know what I mean.  We are all so fucking mad Sid, you do this every time, every time you get serious.  We thought this time, we thought this was different.  You really love him, more than we’ve seen you love anyone else.  EVER!  But you couldn’t do it could you?  As soon as you got away from us, you managed to do something to fuck this up.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong!  How many times do I have to tell you guys that?”

“This is not the time to be stubborn.  You need to call him, not text him.  Call him.  And you need to grovel, beg for his forgiveness and tell him you are sorry!  Better yet, get your ass on a plane and go to Edmonton.”

“No.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  He needs to grow up.  If this is the way he acts when things don’t go his way, I’m not so sure it was the perfect match you all seemed to think.”

\---

July 21

“Why are you being a stubborn jackass?”  Flower is starting to get exasperated.  He’s been on the phone with Sid for an hour, trying to talk some sense into him.

“You guys keep saying that, but I don’t hear anybody saying Jamie is being an ass, too.”

“Okay.  I’ll say it.  Jamie is being an ass, too, and I’ve told him that.”

“And?”

“All he wants if for you to say you are sorry.  Make the effort for him, Sid.  He’s the one, you know it.”

There is silence on the other end, but Flower can hear Sid take a couple of breaths.

“You love him?”

“Yes.”

“Go after him.”

“No.”

Flower huffs.  “Mon dieu!  You are fucking stubborn.”

Then he stops and thinks.  Flower knows what to do.  It is time to pull out the big guns.

“I am calling Mario.”

Sid sucks in a sharp breath.  “Fuck.”

\---

July 22-23

Sid’s days with the cup are full of activities around Cole Harbour.  He takes it the Cole Harbour Place so people can get photos with the cup.  Next up is a trip to Tim Horton’s, while he’s there the thought that he should pick up some Timbits for Jamie crosses his mind.  The minute he thinks it, a wave of sadness comes over him.

Sid takes the cup to visit a children’s hospital and a veterans’ home, putting on a smile and acting like the overjoyed two-time Stanley Cup winner that he is.  A couple of times during his two days he’s asked about where Jamie is, he just deflects it with the standard ‘in Edmonton taking care of some personal business’.  It seems to placate the media, Sid is still wearing his ring after all, so they assume nothing is wrong.

At the party for his family and friends, Sid mingles and visits politely with everyone.  At one point, though, he steals off by himself for a bit.  Taylor finds him alone, sitting on the edge of his bed.  She watches him through the partially open door, not wanting to disturb him.  Sid is flipping something in his hand.  Taylor watches until she realizes it is Jamie’s ring.  She watches Sid throw it against the wall after a few minutes, then lays back on his bed, his hands covering his face.  Taylor doesn’t say anything, just turns and walks away.

\---

July 31

“His birthday is tomorrow, right?”  Mario knows it is, but he asks Sid anyway.

“Yes.”  Sid knows Mario knows, but answers him anyway. 

“And you have your plane ticket?”

“No.  I chartered a flight.  Less chances of people seeing or knowing I’m flying out.  So far, nothing’s made its way to social media.  As far as anyone knows, he’s just taking care of personal business.  I’m not going to get in until late afternoon.  He should be done with all his media obligations with the cup by then.  I think he has two autograph sessions they set up for him.”

“Good idea.  Okay.  So you know what you are going to say?”

“A lot of I’m sorry, I’m sure.”

Flower didn’t call Mario, his threat was a hollow one and Sid knew it.  But Sidney did call Mario, the day after Sid’s last day with the cup.  They had talked for over two hours, and in the end, Mario had been the voice of reason for Sid.

Sid explained everything to Mario, everything he couldn’t tell his friends, or even his family, he thought.  Mario understood Sid, had always understood Sid and his relationships.  Mario had been the one who was there for him when Sid had realized Geno would never be able to love Sid the way Sid loved Geno.  Mario had been the one who had listened to Sid after every break-up, after every failed relationship over the years. 

Mario was the one who knew what was really wrong with Sid, why he had done what he had done.  And while Tanger or any of Sid’s other close friends could realize that Sid had probably sabotaged his relationship with Jamie on purpose at some level, Mario was the one who could actually get Sid to admit it, to admit to his fears.

And Mario was the one who could convince Sid that Sid needed to not call, not text, but to get on a plane and go to Edmonton.  Because Sid loved Jamie, and because Mario was the only one that Sid would admit to that he’d been miserable since Jamie left.  Mario knew that Sid had backed himself into a corner with his friends, with Jamie, even, and the only way to get out of this was to walk straight ahead.  Straight up to Jamie and tell him just how sorry he was and how much he missed him.


	12. Day With The Cup - Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next on tap for the day are two autograph slash ‘get your picture taken with the cup’ sessions, one at Rexall Place, former home to the Oil Kings, and one at the Tim Horton’s where Jamie used to hang out. Kind of ironic, he thinks, that both he and Sid take the cup to a Horton’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to GenuineRisk for suggesting the Front Porch Step song Jamie sings for Kyle... https://youtu.be/hjuDfdQfqMk

Brian wakes up to Jamie shoving him.

“Come on, Dumes!  Time for a run!”

Brian opens his eyes, making them focus on the clock beside the bed.  Five fucking o’clock in the morning.  Jamie has got to be kidding, it’s the god damn off season, no need to get up this early to run.

“Come on!  It’s my birthday!  And, it’s cup day!” Jamie shoves Brian again.  “We need to get up and go, they’re going to be here at 8.  Let’s go!”

Brian rolls over on his back, stretches his muscles and yawns.  He opens his eyes as Jamie jumps on top of him.

“Get your fucking ass out of bed, Dumes.”

Jamie looks extremely different than he did last night.  He looks like he’s already had a shower, hair combed neatly, eyes bright and alert, already dressed in his running clothes.  Brian isn’t sure what was going on last night, but Jamie seems perfectly okay this morning.

Brian gives Jamie a nudge and rolls out from underneath him.  “Okay, okay.  Give me a minute and I’ll be ready.”

\---

At 8 am sharp, the crew arrives with the Stanley Cup. First order of business is to show it off to all the neighbors.  Jamie takes it with him to his appointment with Janet next.  Dumes, the keeper of the cup, the film crew, and photographers sit patiently in the waiting room while he talks with her.

“Wow, it’s bigger than I thought.”  Janet says when Jamie sits the cup down in the middle of her office.  “I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks.”  Jamie barely breaks a smile.

“But?  There’s something wrong, isn’t there?”

“It’s what I’ve always dreamed of, what I expected to take me years of struggle in the NHL to do.  I mean, fuck, it isn’t very often that an 18-year-old wins the cup in his first year in the league.”

“So now the goal becomes to win as many as you can, right?  I think it’s great that you seem to have found success so fast.  And your relationship with Sidney Crosby, things are looking good for you.”

“There isn’t any relationship anymore.”  Jamie sighs and looks out the window, not wanting to make eye contact with her for fear the tears will come back.

“But all the online stuff.  I have to admit, I’ve become a couple watcher.  All of it still seems to say you are together.”

Jamie is confused, why wouldn’t Sidney have changed everything or had it taken down? 

“When did you look last?”

“This morning, why?”  Janet watches Jamie chew on his lip.

“I haven’t talked to him in a few weeks.  I would have thought…”  his voice trails off.

“Is that what you want to talk about today?”

_Tell her the truth.  You’re the one that left.  You ended this.  Of course I would have eventually.  Can’t imagine why I ever thought I was in love with you._

Jamie jerks his head up, looking around the office.  Fuck this, but Sid’s voice is as plain as anything.

_You aren’t worth loving.  It’s why everyone leaves you._

Janet sees Jamie startle and catches the way his eyes scan the room.  “Jamie, is something wrong?”

“No, uh, no, I’m okay.” He says finally.

“How has the post-concussion treatment been going?  Still having headaches?”

“No.  I’ve been seeing a chiropractor and taking some med, an anti-depressant.  Haven’t had a headache in over a week now.”

“What medication do they have you on?  You haven’t mentioned it in any of our phone call sessions.”  Janet seems a bit concerned, Jamie thinks.

“Provintenol.”

“Really?  How are you doing with it?” She is very concerned now.

“Fine, why?”  Jamie lies to her, not wanting to tell her about the increased restlessness or, the voices.

“You haven’t had any side effects?  Nothing?”

“Some stuff, but Wheatley says it’s normal.  He says to just give the drug a week or two and then they should go away.”

_So are you going to go out and get fucked for your birthday?_

A hurt look comes over Jamie’s face, Janet notices.

“Is something wrong?”

“No.  Everything’s fine.”

Janet notices Jamie react several more times like that, as if someone else is talking to him during the session.  She grows increasingly concerned.

“Jamie are you sure you aren’t having any serious side effects from the medication?  Something you should call Dr. Wheatley or Dr. Vyas about?  That drug can cause problems sometimes in young people.  I’m a bit surprised they have you on it.”

“I’m fine.  Really.”  Jamie chews on his lower lip, a tell she knows.  He is not telling her everything.  She has a signed release from him that allows her to call Vyas, as the team doctor, to discuss his treatment.  Janet makes a note to call him after Jamie leaves.

\---

Next on tap for the day are two autograph slash ‘get your picture taken with the cup’ sessions, one at Rexall Place, former home to the Oil Kings, and one at the Tim Horton’s where Jamie used to hang out.  Kind of ironic, he thinks, that both he and Sid take the cup to a Horton’s.

Jamie is sitting at a table at Rexall Place as people filter past with all sorts of items for him to sign, including a lot of jerseys from his days with the Kings.  There are plenty of comments about him and Sid as well, and that fucking couples watch.  The more he hears, the more upset he gets, his body tensing. 

Brian, sitting next to him, keeps reaching over and giving him a nudge or pat on the leg under the table, which seems to get Jamie’s head back to just signing autographs.  Brian also notices that Jamie will occasionally look up with a start, or turn to look over his shoulder, as if someone is talking to him. 

Brian texts Sid, asking about when he should get to Edmonton.  Brian hasn’t told Jamie that Sid is coming, because Sid asked him to not say anything.

Jamie looks up after signing another Kings jersey and recognizes the people in line next.

“Jared!”  Jamie sticks his hand out to shake the young man’s hand.  Then greets Jared’s father, sister, and mother.  “Really glad you came.”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Marcus Strahn says, shaking Jamie’s hand.  “Was hoping Sid would be here.”

“He had commitments at home,” Jamie offers an easy excuse, quickly changing the subject by introducing the Strahns to Brian.

“If you can hang around, I’d love to get some pictures of us all with the cup.”  Jamie asks, then looks at Jared adding, “you gonna touch it?”

“Not a chance,” Jared chuckles, “I’m gonna win it myself someday.”

Jamie and Brian both laugh at that, and Jamie remarks, “Sid would be so proud of that!”

At Tim Horton’s the cup is sitting on a table and people can come up and get a photo and Jamie will sign something if they have it.  Jamie also has a surprise for everyone who comes up to the table, there are assorted Timbits in the cup and everyone gets to take one.  The staff at the Tim Horton’s happily kept the cup very full during the two hours that it is there, especially with the apple fritter ones which are Jamie’s particular favorite.

\---

After they get done at Horton’s, where they all grabbed some lunch, they head for the next stop on Jamie’s agenda, Clover Bar Cemetery.

When they get there, Jamie asks for the cameras to be turned off and for no photographs.  He slings his guitar over his back and grabs his backpack and the cup and walks off.  They can see him stop about 50 yards away.

Jamie sets the cup down next to the stone.  Then sets his backpack on the ground, opening it and pulling out a bottle of champagne, which he pops open and pours in the cup.  Then he unslings his guitar and sits down.

“Well, I did it Mom and Dad.  Made it to the NHL and won the Stanley Cup, can you believe it.  God I wish you were here.  I miss you both so much.”

Jamie strums on his guitar while he talks.

“You know, I don’t think I ever said thank you to you guys.  I mean, thank you for everything you did for me.  My life could have turned out so different if you hadn’t taken me in.  If Dad hadn’t coached me and pushed me to do my best, or if you’d have pushed me to leave Edmonton to play juniors someplace else.  I don’t think I would have done so well then.  So thank you.  For everything.”

Jamie just sits there, playing his guitar for a while before finally getting up.  He bends over and tips the cup to his lips so he can take a drink of the champagne, then he hoists the cup and pours the rest out.  He slings his guitar again, grabs his backpack, then leans down and gives the headstone a kiss before he picks up the cup and walks to his next stop.

Brian and everyone watch Jamie walk to another spot where he sits down again.  Brian’s cellphone chirps with a text notice.

Sid:  _On the ground, where are you?_

Brian asks the cameraman from the Edmonton news and then relays the address to Sid.  Brian still hasn’t told Jamie that Sid was coming.

\---

Jamie repeats the process of opening a bottle of champagne and pouring it in the cup, then he sits down with his guitar.

“Hey, Kicks.”

 _Hey, Marshie._  

Jamie can see Kyle sitting there, next to him. 

“I did it.  I won the fucking cup.  And the whole hockey world knows I like guys.  So, you know what, fuck your dad.  I told you I would do it.”

_You wouldn’t have done it if I was with you, Marshie.  You know that._

“Right.  You keep telling me that.”  Jamie starts strumming his guitar.  “I think about you all the time.  I heard this song a while ago, it makes me think about you.”

_Sing it for me, I always loved it when you’d play._

Jamie started to sing…

_I won’t hold my tongue._

_I’m not okay without you here._

_I guess what’s done is done._

_I just feel so exposed without you near._

_And I won’t say that I’m okay,_

_‘Cause you taught me not to lie,_

_so know that I’ll miss you everyday._

By the end of the song, tears run down Jamie’s cheeks, his voice breaking.

“It’s for his grandmother, but I think of you.  God I wish I was with you.  I should be with you, Kicks.”

 _So why don’t you do it then?_  

Sid’s voice fills his head, chasing the image of Kyle away.

_Do it.  I know you’ve been thinking about doing it.  You should have done it before, when he died.  I know you thought about it then.  Or when your parents died.  Too bad that constable stopped you.  Would have saved me a lot of fucking grief._

Jamie shakes his head. 

“It’s not real.  It’s not real.” 

Sid doesn’t know about those other times.  He doesn’t.  Jamie knows that. 

“It’s not real.”

He keeps repeating it, rocking back and forth, the tears still running down his cheeks.

\---

They let him sit there for almost an hour, because Brian is waiting for Sid to get there.  When he finally arrives, Brian points to where Jamie is sitting next to a grave, now leaning against the headstone actually.  Sid walks over to Jamie.

“Hey, baby boy.”

Jamie startles, shielding his eyes from the sun as he looks up.

“Sid?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proventinol is a purely fictional drug.


	13. Day With The Cup - Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You really think Brian wants to be around you? He just took pity on you, you know. He doesn’t really want to be your friend. It was because he felt sorry for you.
> 
> Jamie looks into the mirror again, and turns around quickly.
> 
> I’m at the barn, Marshie. Come to me. I’ll be waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depiction of suicide attempt included in this chapter... but remember... all is okay in the end....

An hour later they are back at Jamie’s house.  Brian and everyone else hanging out in the living room with the cup.  Brian is graciously offering everyone something to eat and drink, trying to distract the news people from what is going on in the master bedroom where Sid and Jamie retreated to the minute they walked in the house. 

It was pretty quiet at the moment which concerned Brian a little.  There had been an uncomfortable silence between Jamie and Sid when they had rejoined the group with the cup.  Jamie had ridden with Sid in Sid’s rental car while the others had followed them. 

\---

“Why are you here?”

Jamie hadn’t actually been sure that Sid was really there until they had walked back to the group and Brian had talked to Sid.  Now, he was sitting on the edge of his bed while Sid stood across the room.

“I came to say I’m sorry.”

“Really?”  Jamie said a bit sarcastically.

God he is aggravating, Sid thought.

“Yes, really.  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have kept things from you.  I didn’t… I didn’t mean to hurt you.  I’m sorry.”  Sid sits down in the high-backed chair near the bed.  “Look, I’m not very good at this…”

“At saying you’re sorry?  At admitting you were wrong?”

“At relationships, Jamie.  I’m not very good at relationships.  I fucked up, or as Mario told me, I tried to sabotage another relationship.”

“What did he mean by that?  And yeah, you fucked up.”

“I do things, I don’t know why, to push people away.  Because it’s safer than letting myself get hurt.  He says I’ve managed to fuck up every relationship I’ve been in.”

“But, you said, everybody said, that you were different, that with me things were different.”

“I told you.  This, us, all of this, scared the hell out of me, still scares me I guess.  It all happened so fast.  Then we won the cup and I was really happy that it was out in the open, god, Jamie, it’s been a relief somehow that it is.  But it also all happened in Pittsburgh, surrounded by the team, our family, it was safe.  When we got to Cole Harbour, I don’t know.  It didn’t seem so safe and secure anymore.”

“So, you should have talked to me about it.  Instead, you pushed me away and you kept things from me Sid.  Don’t you think I’d have handled the whole pens couple thing if you’d have told me the truth from the beginning?”

“I know.  I’m sorry.  I just, I just tend to do things the way I do things.  It’s the way I am, my nature, it’s the whole Sidney fucking Crosby, captain, thing.  I told you, I’m not very good at being in a relationship.  You have every right to be mad.”

Jamie doesn’t say anything, so Sid keeps talking.

“But, I also know I’ve never been in a relationship where I wanted to, no, I needed to go after the person who left and tell them how sorry I was, how much I want to fix what went wrong.  At least not until now.  Tell me how to fix this, Jamie.  What do I need to do to get you to come back?”

Jamie drops his chin to his chest.

“Nothing.”

“What?  Jamie, don’t…”

“I’m sorry, too.  I guess neither one of us are very good at relationships.  Of course, I don’t have much experience with being in one.  I was with Kicks, he left me.  I was with Cat, she left me.  I was with you.  I thought you were pushing me away, that you didn’t want to really be with me.  So, I fucked up, too.”

Sid gets up and walks over to sit next to Jamie.

“I shouldn’t have left, Sid.  I’m sorry.  I should have given you a chance to explain.  I should have trusted that you loved me, but I guess I was scared, too, truth be told.  So I fucked up.”

Sid cups Jamie’s chin in his hand, lifting and turning Jamie’s head so that Jamie is looking at him.

“I miss you.  That’s why I’m here.  I miss finding your shoes all over the house because you won’t take them off at the door no matter how many times I ask.  I miss you waking me up in the mornings when you get back from your run.  I miss you cooking breakfast.  I miss you sitting around playing your guitar.  I miss laying on the couch with you.  I miss you.  All of you.  You know, I heard that song the other day, our song, and I had to pull over in the car, because I couldn’t think about anything but you.  I've been miserable, Jamie, since the day you left. But I backed myself into a corner being stubborn and I didn't know how to get out of it."

Jamie’s eyes are glistening, the tears welling in them. 

“I miss those beautiful green eyes.”

Sid leans over and presses his lips lightly to Jamie’s cheek.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Jamie moves to press his lips to Sid’s, opening his mouth when Sid pushes into the kiss. 

_You know I’m lying to you.  I’m just going to fuck you and then leave again.  I don’t love you.  I could never love you._

Jamie pulls back from the kiss.  He looks at Sid, suddenly wide-eyed and what, frightened, Sid thinks. 

“Jamie, what is it?  What’s wrong?”

Jamie rubs his eyes with his hands.  “Nothing.” 

He kisses Sid again, trying to push the voice away, telling himself again that it isn’t real.  Sid is real.  Sid is sitting next to him.  Sid is kissing him.  Everything is okay, it’s going to be okay.  They can, no, they have worked this out for now.  Sid is here and everything is going to be okay.

This time when Jamie pulls away from Sid, he seems much calmer.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”  Sid asks, rubbing his thumb over Jamie’s cheek.

“Yeah.  We should probably go back out.  I’ve still got some celebrating with Stanley to do.”

“That’s right.  And some birthday celebrating, too.  Happy birthday, baby boy.”

“Thanks.  You coming.  Us talking.  Best present I could get, Sid.  I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

\---

They take the cup out for a night on the town.  Sid really can’t believe that Jamie takes it to a gay night club.

“Messier took it to a strip club,” Jamie calmly points out, “at least everyone here has their clothes on

Sid can’t argue with that logic.  Phil Pritchard just reminds Sid that he’s seen a lot of stranger things over his tenure as the keeper of the cup. 

Jamie gets Sid, and Brian, to dance with him several times, even though neither of them are very good at dancing.  Jamie also downs a lot of beer and birthday shots.  All before eleven pm because they need to head back to the house by then.  The cup’s day ends at midnight.

Jamie hoists the cup one last time, giving it a kiss before he hands it back to Phil.

“See you next year, Stanley!” he says as they wave good-bye to everyone.  Then they turn and walk back into the house.

“So.  Birthday party needs to continue,” Jamie says, draping himself over Sid.  “What say we go make up proper, Crosby?”

Brian blushes.  “I think I’m gonna grab something to drink and head to bed.” 

He walks over and gives Jamie a kiss on the cheek, “Happy Birthday, Fluff.  I’m really glad it turned out to be a great day for you.”

“Thanks, Dume-ass.  Love you, buddy.”  Jamie is really fucking drunk, all of his weight pressed against Sid.

Brian walks away, “Night, Sid.  Have fun.”

“Thanks, Dumo,” Sid laughs as he tries to wrestle Jamie towards the bedroom.  “Thanks for helping me get him into the bedroom at least.  Coward.”

Sid can hear Brian laughing in the kitchen.

Sid manages to get Jamie stripped and sitting on the bed, despite Jamie trying to help him and being all happy hands with Sid.  

“Do I get my real present now?”  Jamie asks, “make-up sex?”

“I don’t think you’re in any condition for that at the moment, do you, baby boy?”  Jamie is practically falling asleep sitting up as Sid goes to get him a couple of Advil and a bottle of water.  In fact, by the time Sid gets back, Jamie is on his back sound asleep.

Sid wakes him up enough to get Jamie to take the pills and drink the water, then he gets Jamie to slide under the bed covers.  Sid strips down to his boxers and climbs in next to Jamie, wrapping his arms around him.

“I love you, baby boy.  Happy birthday, again.”

“Love.”  Jamie mumbles, drifting off again already.

\---

Jamie rolls over a little after five and reaches for Sid, or for where he thinks Sid should be, but the bed is empty.  Fuck.  Had it all been a dream?

Jamie drags himself out of bed and to the bathroom.  His head feels like shit.  His mouth is dry.  His stomach hurts.  After he relieves himself, he runs some water in the sink and splashes it on his face.  He stares at his reflection in the mirror.

_You didn’t really think I’d stay did you?  Come on, Jamie.  I told you I wouldn’t.  You fell for that whole story about me missing you.  I don’t miss you.  I don’t want you back.  No one would want you, except maybe Kyle.  You need to go be with him.  Make everyone happy._

Jamie shakes his head, then splashes some more water on his face.  He’s confused.  He had thought Sid had been here.  Wasn’t he?  They had gone out to party.  Fuck.  So why wasn’t Brian in bed with him either?

_You really think Brian wants to be around you?  He just took pity on you, you know.  He doesn’t really want to be your friend.  It was because he felt sorry for you._

Jamie looks into the mirror again, and turns around quickly.

_I’m at the barn, Marshie.  Come to me.  I’ll be waiting._

Jamie walks out of the bathroom and gets dressed.  He goes to his dad’s closet and grabs what he needs before he leaves.  He doesn’t notice Sid sitting at the kitchen table in the dark, talking on his cellphone.

Sid looks up when he hears a noise.  Jamie walks through the living room and out the door.

“He’s up and off for a run,” Sid tells Kris, “unbelievable, he was shitfaced last night.”

“Well, at least you two have made up.  That’s good.”

\---

Luc St. Croix is standing in his kitchen, looking out the window as he waits for the pot of coffee to brew.  It is just starting to get light outside, the best time of day, he thinks.  He loves watching the sun come up over the pond.

The SUV pulls in and parks next to the barn.  St. Croix doesn’t recognize the vehicle right away, until he sees the driver get out and go into the barn.

“What the fuck is he doing here,” he says to himself.  He turns to go put on some clothes so he can go find out what Jamie Marsh would be doing in his barn.

“Diane,” he wakes his wife, “call 9-1-1, the Marsh kid is out in the barn.  Tell them I want the police here to throw his ass off our property.”

“Luc, you don’t want to do that,” she sits up, “his birthday was yesterday, he’s probably just missing Kyle and wanted to spend some time here.  Leave him alone.”

“Hell, no.  I’m going out there.  Call them.”  He storms out of the bedroom and she hears the front door slam.  She doesn’t call the police, but instead throws on some clothes, grabs her cellphone and follows him to the barn.

“Marsh!  What the fuck are you doing here,” St. Croix yells as he walks into the barn.   

When he walks into the gym, his eyes widen with fear at the sight before him.  His whole attitude changes as he rushes to the hanging form.

“No, god no, please.”  Luc wraps his arms around the boy’s chest and lifts, easing the tension on the fabric around his neck. 

“Oh please, please god, don’t let this happen again.  Not both of them.  Please.”

Diane walks into the room then, “Oh my god, Luc.  What did he do?”

“Come untie him while I hold him up.  Hurry, Di.  Please god, don’t let him die.”

Her fingers work to untie the knot, which has pulled tight around his neck.  Eventually it came undone and the material slips away from his neck.  Luc holds him and eases his body down to the floor.

“Please.  Please, Jamie.” Luc shakes the unconscious teenager, who finally moans softly and rolls his head away from Luc, making a small coughing noise.

 Diane pulls out her phone and dials 9-1-1.

“I need an ambulance…”


	14. Wedding Day - Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian looks to Jamie, who just nods. “Come on, Taylor, let’s step out for a minute. We can go pick on Geno for a while.”
> 
> The two leave, Brian pulling the door shut behind them. Jamie sits down in one of the stalls in the visitors’ locker room, his wedding dressing room.
> 
> “This can’t be good. So… are we calling the whole thing off?”

Wedding Day 

Dumes came in to the room where Jamie was waiting with Taylor, bringing Jamie a bottle of water.

“Jesus, I’ve never seen so many people at a wedding,” he says as he tosses the bottle to Jamie.

“Yeah, just Sid and I and a few hundred of our closest non-acquaintances, just what I always thought our wedding would be.”

“You know it’s not too late to back out, Fluff.  Or, you and Sid can slip out the back door and elope.”

“Oh, that would be so romantic!” Taylor exclaimed.  “I could totally see Sid doing that.”

Jamie laughed, “Yeah, he’s just so romantic.  Nice thought, but we all know that’s not going to happen.”

“Of all the non-romantic places to get married, I have to think this is tops.”  Taylor bemoans.

“I don’t know, I think the place looks pretty great,” Brian retorts.  “Fluff?  Split decision, you’re the tie breaker.”

“I’m getting married at Consol.  The place looks great, however.  Better even than for aces and ice night.  You can’t say that the Pens didn’t go all out on this for us.  I mean, they have never done this for any other players.”

“So that’s a yes?” Taylor questions.

“It’s not the lake.” Is all Jamie says back as there is a knock at the door and it opens hesitantly.

“Jesus, Sid.  Bad luck, get out!” Tayler rushes to Sid, pushing him back towards the door.  “You of all people, Captain Superstition!”

“I need to talk to Jamie.  It’s important, T,” Sid stands his ground against her.  “Could you and Dumo give us a few minutes, please.”

Brian looks to Jamie, who just nods.  “Come on, Taylor, let’s step out for a minute.  We can go pick on Geno for a while.”

The two leave, Brian pulling the door shut behind them.  Jamie sits down in one of the stalls in the visitors’ locker room, his wedding dressing room.

“This can’t be good.  So… are we calling the whole thing off?”


	15. Cause And Effect - What No One Can Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Thank you for listening. One more thing, whatever actions you take as a team, you need to remember that while Jamie is very mature about his hockey, and his personal life, as I said, he is still very much a teenager, a teenager who had his whole world fall out from under him, or so he believed. If you handle this wrong, if you put him in a situation where he would have to choose between playing hockey or losing Sid, he'll give up hockey in a heartbeat. I'm sure we are all in agreement that he is already too valuable an asset for you to just let that happen. So however you handle this, don't make him ever feel that he has to choose between Sid and hockey, which means any hint of this being about his relationship with Sid, he bolts. Out of the limelight, out of hockey, away from anyone that would or could question his relationship. After this incident, I'm sure he'll take Sid over anything. Jamie is good, very good, and if nurtured that talent is only going to get better as he deals with his off ice issues. Think about that. Right now, I’m going to stop in and see Jamie for a few minutes.” Janet gets up, shakes Sullivan’s hand and walks out.

Sid walks through the doors of the emergency room, followed closely by Brian and two RCMP Constables, the ones that had shown up at Jamie’s house and informed Sid that Jamie was in the hospital following an attempted suicide.  They didn’t have any other details, just that they were to escort Sid to the hospital and make sure that he had anything he needed.

A nurse intercepts them before Sid makes it to the registration desk.

“Mr. Crosby, he’s okay.” Sid’s caught a little off guard that she knows him, his brain isn’t working at the moment, then it kicks in, he’s Sidney Crosby, national hockey hero in a hockey town, and probably being with two Constables is a giveaway, too. “Please, if you and your friend could follow me, the doctor would like to speak to you for a minute before we take you in to see Jamie.”

She leads them through a series of hallways, past several treatment rooms.  One of the doors is ajar and Sid sees a middle-aged couple in the room, and catches a glimpse of Jamie laying on the bed. 

The Constables stop at the conference room doorway, standing guard on either side, as Brian and Sid walk in.  A few minutes later the doctor comes in, shakes Sid and Brian’s hands and motions for them to have a seat. 

“Mr. Crosby.  Mr. Dumoulin.  My name is Dhiren Naidu.  I’m the head physician for the Oilers.  Once the ER staff confirmed Jamie’s identity they contacted me while they administered emergency treatment, protocol in case any of the Oilers are ever brought in for non-hockey reasons.  They figured they should treat Jamie the same way.  I’ve already spoken with Dr. Vyas and he’s agreed that I can oversee Jamie’s treatment here in Edmonton for the Pens.  He said you are Jamie’s emergency contact and that it is okay to discuss his treatment with you.”

“Is he okay?”  Sid’s voice is a little shaky.  “They didn’t tell us much.  What the hell happened.”

“Jamie was found by Mr. and Mrs. Luc St. Croix. He had attempted to hang himself in a barn on their property.  They are with Jamie now.  They refused to leave until you arrived.  This was,” Naidu looks at his watch, “about two and a half hours ago.  It took a while to get you contacted, the emergency room staff were treating Jamie, then getting a hold of the RCMP, and everything.  Jamie is okay.  He is stable.  There does not appear to be any brain injury from lack of oxygen, nor does there appear to be any physical injury to his neck or esophagus.  He’s a very lucky young man.  Mr. St. Croix was up and saw him enter the barn.  He went out almost immediately.  Another couple of minutes and there may have been irreparable damage, or death.”

“Fuck.”  Sid leans forward, putting his head in his hands.  “What the fuck.”

Brian rubs his hand up and down Sid’s back.

“You said he’s okay.  He’s conscious?  We can go see him?”  Brian asks as he tries to comprehend all this.

“In a minute.  Speaking to Dr. Vyas I’ve learned that Jamie was taking an anti-depressant.  His blood toxicology shows an extremely high level of the active ingredient, as well as a high blood alcohol content.  What we think happened is that he had what we term an adverse psychotic episode triggered by this combination.”

Sid looks up.

“This is important right now.  When you are with him, don’t question him, or yell at him, or in any way be angry with him about what happened.  It happened.  Right at this moment why isn’t important, only getting him through this initial stage is important.  Is that clear?”

“I just want him to be okay,” Sid says, “Can we see him now?”

Naidu gets up and leads them out of the room and down the hall to the treatment area where Sid saw Jamie.  Sid and Brian slip through the door while Naidu waits outside.

“Sidney,” Luc St. Croix steps forward and offers his hand, “Luc St. Croix.  This is my wife Diane.  We’re…”

“Kyle’s parents.”  Sid finishes the sentence.  “Why are you still here?”

“We… Diane wouldn’t leave him until they had you here.  She said he shouldn’t be alone if he woke up.”

“Right.”  Sid walks past him and goes to the side of the bed.  Brian introduces himself to the St. Croixs and then goes to stand on the opposite side.

“Jamie?  Baby boy?  We’re here, can you wake up?”  Sid cups Jamie’s cheek in his hand.

Jamie’s eyes flutter open.  He scans the room quickly before his eyes settle on Sid, a look of sheer terror coming over his features.

“No.  No.  You’re not.  It’s not real.”  Jamie starts breathing in short, fast breaths, as he tries to frantically pull away from Sid’s touch.  “No.  I don’t want to, please.”

“Jamie, what’s wrong?  No what?”  Sid tries to put his hands on Jamie’s shoulders, but Jamie reaches up to push them away.

Brian reaches out for Jamie, who now seems to be having a full-fledged panic attack. 

“Fluff!  Jamie!  Look at me.”  Brian cups Jamie’s face in his hands, forcefully turning Jamie’s face towards him.  “Look at me!  What’s wrong.”

Jamie sits up and presses himself against Brian.  “Dumes.  It’s not real, please.  Fuck.  Please make it stop.  It’s not real.  He’s not here.”

Brian wraps his arms around Jamie, who is sobbing uncontrollably against Brian’s chest.  Brian looks up at Sid, who is standing on the other side of the bed with a hurt and confused expression on his face.  Diane has her hand on his arm, trying to get him to step back.

“It’s okay, Fluff.  I’m here.  I got ya.”  Brian says softly to Jamie. 

Luc comes back into the area, bringing a nurse and Dr. Naidu with him.

The nurse steps up and gives Jamie a shot in his arm.  It is only a minute before his body is slumping into Brian as he slips into unconsciousness.  Brian lays him back down on the bed.

“What the fuck?”  Sid looks at Naidu.

“That is just something to calm him down and help him sleep.  I have no idea what happened, other than that he is still under the effects of the drugs and alcohol.  Do you know why he’d be so upset to see you? Aren’t you two engaged?”

Sid looks at St. Croix before answering.  “We’re together, but we had a fight earlier this summer.  We just got back together yesterday.  But everything was fine last night.”

“Okay.  I don’t know if that has something to do with it.  I think our best course is to just keep him sedated until the medication works out of his system.  It may take 24 to 48 hours.  We’re going to move him upstairs.  If you’d all like to step out, I’ll have someone escort you to the waiting room.”

“You don’t seem surprised by this,” Sid questions Naidu.

“He had a similar episode when he came to in the ambulance.  He calmed down once he was here, when Mrs. St. Croix talked to him, that is.  We didn’t want to give him a sedative then, but when it happened again, I felt we could go ahead with that.”

\---

_NHLNetwork @NHLNetwork – Aug 3_

_@Penguins confirms LW J Marsh hospitalized in Edmonton Tues 8/2. Listed in stable condition.  No additional details._

_\---_

Friday Morning…

Janet sits in the conference room at the University of Alberta Hospital.  Also in the room are Dr. Naidu and Pens Head Coach Mike Sullivan.  Joining the meeting via conference call are GM Jim Rutherford and Dr. Dharmesh Vyas, the Pens head physician.  They are discussing Jamie and his treatment.

“I can’t believe you had him on Proventinol in the first place,” Janet scolds Vyas, and in absentia Matt Wheatley, Jamie’s neurologist who couldn’t be there because he is out of the country.  “I mean, here is a kid with a history of depression and you put him on that drug?  You could have used something else.”

“With all due respect, Ms. Cartwright, Jamie did not disclose a history that included depression or, suicidal tendencies.”  Vyas countered.

“You knew he was receiving counseling, didn’t you?”

“Well, yes, but…”

“No buts.  It shouldn’t have happened.”  She is not letting up so Sullivan steps in.

“Okay.  We aren’t here to blame anyone for what happened.  This meeting is to determine what we do from this point on, what is in Jamie’s best interest here.”

“Exactly, Mike.”  Rutherford adds, “What do we need to do to help him?  Does he need to be institutionalized for treatment?  Are we sure that the head injury isn’t worse than we know?”

“In my opinion, he doesn’t need to undergo any in-patient treatment.  I’ve talked to him several times over the last two days.  I don’t believe he is a threat to himself at this time.”  Janet says, calming down a little.

“What caused this?  I mean, do we know why he did this?” Rutherford asks.

“I believe it was a combination of things,” Naidu injects.  “First, like Ms. Cartwright, I believe he was having an adverse effect from the medication.  Second, he was mixing alcohol with this drug.  I think this compounded the effects of the drug causing the psychosis to increase over several days.”

“The Proventinol, along with the alcohol, caused Jamie to have increasing psychotic episodes over the past several days.  What he’s finally told me is that he hadn’t been sleeping, he was feeling jittery, and then, he started having hallucinations, hearing voices, seeing people that weren’t there.” Janet adds to what Naidu said.

“So now that the drug is out of his system, which I think Dr. Naidu said earlier before you were here Jim, but since it’s out of his system, is he okay?  Have the hallucinations and other side effects stopped?” Sullivan asks Janet.

“He says they have.”

“But he’s withheld information before, do we trust him?”  Rutherford asks.

“I think we do,” Janet says.  “I think he may have, I don’t know, scared himself with all this.  He told me some things from his past, things he has never said.  He’s had suicidal thoughts in the past, but never acted on them.  The only reason he did this time could very well have been because of the medication.”

“Or the alcohol,” Sullivan adds, remembering what Jamie had told him about the night he got his DUI, the night he had almost ‘walked away’ from it all, as Jamie had put it.

“Or the alcohol,” Janet agrees.  “Either way he has repeatedly said he didn’t mean to do it.”

After some additional discussion, Naidu leaves to go and start Jamie’s discharge orders.  After he is out of the room, Janet speaks up again.

“Okay, gentlemen, now that it is only Penguins here, I need to speak to you very frankly.  This is also completely off the record and there will be no mention of it from this point on, clear?”

Sullivan nods and the others state their agreement.

“This was not about the medication.  This was about a teenager who has been struggling with depression and mental issues for his whole life."

“What do you mean?  You said…”  Sullivan questions.

“I know what I said.  And if it ever gets out that Jamie was hospitalized for an attempted suicide and not because of concussion issues, or even a reaction to medication, that is the story that you need to stick to with the press.  That it was a psychosis caused by the medication being used to treat concussion related issues has to be the official stance.”

“What?  What do you mean by that?” Rutherford asks.

“There is a lot going on here, with Jamie.  This didn’t all just start when the St. Croix boy died, or when Jamie’s parents died, this goes back to when he was six years old and his natural parents died.  I didn’t know all of this, not until the last couple of days, that’s when he’s finally completely opened up to me.  He’s thought about this before, many times, but he’s fought his way through it, with hockey at first, then with hockey and running.”

“What happened with his real parents?  I thought Bill and Jean Marsh were his parents?”  Sullivan asks.

“Jamie was six when his mother died of cancer, his father committed suicide two months later.  Jamie found him.  Jamie laid on the floor by the couch where his father had shot himself in the head, all day, crying himself in and out of sleep until Bill Marsh found him there.  He remembers it.  He didn't know what had happened when he was six, but as he got older he understood that his dad killed himself.  I believe that those events, those memories caused several issues, including separation anxieties, and long-term post-traumatic stress that was never treated.”

Janet pauses for a moment before continuing.

“The Jamie I know is extremely resilient, and mature for the most part, but very guarded about some things.  He’ll be very truthful and straight forward for the most part, but there is, or has been, a part that he keeps bottled up inside if you will.  That is the fact he has dealt with depression for as long as he can remember.  He said that yesterday, finally.”

She gives them a moment to digest that before continuing.

“So now compound that.  He is bisexual, playing in a homophobic sport, or so he has been told that his whole life, and he is suffering from depression, a mental illness, the second biggest taboo in society.  Something to be hidden and not talked about.  I think it’s amazing that he’s done as well as he has, but he’s always had a support system.  The Marshs, his best friend, then others, and now Sidney.  And he has had hockey.  He almost lost all of that.”

“The concussion.” Sullivan says.  “That’s why he pushed so hard to get back.”

“I told Wheatley he rushed things,” Vyas interjects.

“Matt Wheatley would never let Jamie play if he thought Jamie wasn’t physically okay.  He’s known the kid his whole life, that’s why Jamie went to him.  Did he tell you that?  Matt was instrumental in starting initial neurological screenings for young hockey players.  He was a family friend who Jamie trusted.”  Janet explains.  “But he also didn’t know about the underlying depression.”

“What Jamie told me yesterday was that he doesn’t care that people know he’s bisexual.  He’s with Sid and they have made their relationship public and that is okay.  What is scaring him at the moment is that if people find out about the depression, about the suicide attempt, they will say it is because he’s gay, because he couldn’t handle the pressure of being out.  He’s afraid people will find out he and Sidney weren’t together when this happened that he did it because of that.”

“Was that the reason?”  Sullivan doesn’t look happy at that thought.  “I mean, I know we can’t control who a player is with, even another teammate, but well, if that was the reason, maybe we should.”

“A player in a heterosexual relationship could have had the same reaction to a break-up.”  Rutherford says, “We have no right to say that teammates can’t become involved with each other.  We just need to figure out how to deal with any fallout if something happens.”

“Mr. Rutherford is right.  But, as for Jamie, yes, his separation from Sid probably fueled his actions.  The hallucinations were manifestations of what he was feeling, what he was thinking.  The medication and alcohol diminished his ability to control or fight back his impulses and the depression.  I’m telling you all this under the strictest confidence, he is adamant that Sidney can never know about this.  They have worked things out.  Everything is okay.”

“What if they break-up again?”  Sullivan voices his concerns again.  “Jamie falls apart again?  Next time he succeeds?”

“We deal with it.  Now that we know about the depression, we know what signs to be aware of.  What to look for.”  Janet says, “I’ve set up with him to see him in person every day for the next week while he is in Edmonton, then I will have an online or phone counseling session with him once a week when he gets back to Pittsburgh.  He had tried seeing other counselors, but he always comes back to me.  He is comfortable with me and now, I think more trusting and open.  I have to admit, I’m not supposed to get attached to clients, but I do have a soft spot for Jamie.”

“That sounds like a plan, Ms. Cartwright.  Okay.  So based on what she’s told us, I think we have some things to talk over Mike.”  Rutherford pronounces.  “Thank you, Ms. Cartwright, if you could excuse us now.”

“Thank you for listening.  One more thing, whatever actions you take as a team, you need to remember that while Jamie is very mature about his hockey, and his personal life, as I said, he is still very much a teenager, a teenager who had his whole world fall out from under him, or so he believed.  If you handle this wrong, if you put him in a situation where he would have to choose between playing hockey or losing Sid, he'll give up hockey in a heartbeat. I'm sure we are all in agreement that he is already too valuable an asset for you to just let that happen. So however you handle this, don't make him ever feel that he has to choose between Sid and hockey, which means any hint of this being about his relationship with Sid, he bolts.  Out of the limelight, out of hockey, away from anyone that would or could question his relationship.  After this incident, I'm sure he'll take Sid over anything.  Jamie is good, very good, and if nurtured that talent is only going to get better as he deals with his off ice issues. Think about that.  Right now, I’m going to stop in and see Jamie for a few minutes.”  Janet gets up, shakes Sullivan’s hand and walks out.

\---

Friday afternoon…

Janet and Jamie are alone in his hospital room, Brian having taken Sid to get something to drink.  They are waiting for Jamie to be discharged.  

"So, you told them?" he asks nervously.

"Yes, and they are okay with that story.  It will be the official stance if any of this ever comes out.  Right now, the only statement will say that you were treated for a reaction to the medication being used to treat your concussion syndrome symptoms.  Wow, say that three times fast."

Jamie smiled at that, "Thank you.  He can't know."

"Wasn't that part of what caused your break-up?  Keeping secrets?  Don't you think it would be better to tell him and deal with it now?"

She sees the panic start, "Okay, don't worry, Jamie.  We'll talk.  Maybe, when you're ready, you can talk to him about all of this.  I think he'd understand."

"No.  He can't know."  Jamie is adamant.  "Please."

"Okay."

"I'll see you Monday, right?"  Jamie changes the subject.

"About that, something's come up and I'm not going to be able to see you at all next week."  she tries to keep a straight face, hide her excitement.

“What do you mean you won’t be able to see me next week?”  Jamie’s concerned now that he's made her mad.  “We had it all worked out.”

“Well, I’m going to be a little busy.  I have to pack, and put my furniture in storage, and make flight arrangements, and look for an apartment in Pittsburgh, and…”

“What?  Pittsburgh?”

“Well, yes.  It seems I have a new job.”

Jamie tips his head to the side and she can’t help but think he looks just like a confused puppy.

“It seems that I have been offered a job with a certain sports team there, to be a counselor to players suffering from depression, of course they said I could also see other clients as well, but it seems they want me to work specifically with one particular player.  And since I really don’t have anything keeping me in Edmonton, I decided pretty quickly I’d like to move back to the states.”

“You’re going to be working with the Steelers?”  Jamie says with a shitty grin on his face, “Congrats!”

Janet reaches out and smacks him on the back of the head.  “You little brat.”


	16. We're Not Broken, Just Bent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid’s face softened, the doubt slipping away as he lowered his head and he pressed his lips to Jamie’s. Jamie hesitated for just a second before reaching up and wrapping his hand around the back of Sid’s neck, pulling him in to a deeper kiss.
> 
> When he let Sid up, Jamie fixed his eyes on Sid’s, “We’re okay. I’m okay.”
> 
> Sid smiled down at Jamie, “I love you.”
> 
> “I love you.”
> 
> The thought, Sid can never know the truth, kept running through Jamie’s brain.

August 2

Even though Jamie was sedated, he had moments of restless, fitful sleep, rolling his head from side to side, his fists clenching the bed sheets, murmuring Sid’s name, or Kicks’.  At one point, the nurses came in to the room with a set of wrist restraints, intending to put them on Jamie so if he did wake up he wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. 

Sid and Brian wouldn’t let them do it, making them call Naidu so Sid could talk to him.  Sid told Naidu about the assault, just generalities and no specifics, advising him that if Jamie woke up restrained, it would be worse for him than what Naidu had already seen.  Sid promised that either he or Brian would always be in the room with Jamie, so Naidu had told the nurses to forego the restraints.

A couple of times, Sid watched Jamie open his eyes.  Jamie would look at him, eyes not quite open and focused, his eyes would find Sid and a look of panic would come over Jamie’s face, just briefly, before Jamie would turn his eyes to Brian.  That seemed to bring a calm and Jamie would close his eyes and doze off again.

Sid fielded text messages and phone calls all day on Tuesday as family, friends, and the Pens’ management all sought information on what had happened.  Sully was on his way to Edmonton, scheduled to arrive late that night and just go to a hotel, then be at the hospital Wednesday morning.

What had bewildered Sid the most was that Diane and Luc St. Croix had stayed after Jamie was moved to a private room.  The hospital actually put Jamie in a semi-private room that had two beds, taking the second bed out of the room and bringing in extra chairs. 

Diane had sat next to Sid during the day, telling him and Brian stories about Jamie and Kyle growing up.  Sid had to admit, it helped pass the time, and gave him something to think about besides Jamie laying there.  For someone so big, he looked so small in that bed. 

Luc kept a polite distance, sitting across the room watching TV.  Sid wasn’t sure why they had stayed until Diane and Brian had gone to get food at lunch time, leaving Sid alone with Luc.  That’s when St. Croix had surprised Sid.  Completely.

“I know what you probably think of me.  What he’s told you, I’m sure, about how I was to Kyle.” 

“He’s told me a lot.”  Sid was short, not really wanting to make polite small talk with the man.  Sid had been a bit leery of St. Croix, knowing what the man probably thought of Sid’s relationship with Jamie.

“I want you to know that I’m glad he’s with you.  I would never have guessed or thought that you, well, I just wouldn’t have, but you obviously love him.  I worried about him, when I heard he was drafted.  Worried about what would happen if people found out he was bisexual.”  Sid’s expression changed from disdain to confusion.  “Yeah I know.  He had a thing with my daughter, too.  She told her mother.  It took me a while, but I realized that he must be pretty special if both my children fell in love with him.”

“What?”  Sid wasn’t sure he heard right.

“Cat loved him, too.  She told her mother that as well.  Cat still doesn’t talk to me.  I lost both my children, because of the way I was.  It took me months after Kyle’s death to accept that what happened was because of me.  You aren’t supposed to bury your children, especially at such a young age.”  Luc looked down.  “Especially when you were responsible.  You can think what you will of me, but losing Kyle, it changed me.  I wish, I wish everyday that I had been a better father.”

Sid sits there, stunned.  St. Croix looks up, his eyes settling on Jamie.

“I was so hard on Kyle.  I was ashamed of him, because he was gay.  I thought, I thought if I could get him away from Jamie, he’d get it out of his system, like it was some disease.  I was so wrong, what I did to them.  Then, when Jamie came to the barn this morning and I saw him, I was angry.  I thought maybe he was there to do something to the barn, do something to get back at me for what I did to Kyle.”

Sid starts to say something, but St. Croix waves his hand at Sid.

“I know.  I know.  He’s really not that type of kid.  Bill raised him right.  He really is a good kid.  I saw him yesterday, at Rexall Place, signing autographs.  There was this one kid I saw him with, his name’s Jared Strahn.  The kid plays for a local club and he’s pretty good, but I think, no I’m pretty sure he’s gay.  He reminds me of Kyle, maybe he does to Jamie, too.  The family waited until after the event and Jamie took a lot of photos with them and the cup.  Jared was beaming.”

Sid remembers Jamie telling him about meeting Jared and his family at the hockey school.  Jared’s sister Jessica was at camp.  She played defense he remembers.

“When I walked in and found him, my heart sank, all I could think was that this couldn’t happen again.  I don’t hate him.  He loved Kyle so much, but I thought it was wrong.  It was how I was raised, what was engrained into me from a young age.  I should have… I can’t change what happened then, who I was then, but I can change who I am now.  Diane always had a soft spot for Jamie, for her boys as she called them.  She said once she felt like she had lost two sons that day, because Jamie never called or came around again, not even when he and Cat lived together last summer.  When he’s better, I want him to feel like he can talk to her.  She’d like to have him in her life again.  If that would be okay?”

Sid didn’t know what to say.  “Uh, yeah, I think that might be okay.  It’ll be up to him.”

“I know.  I’m just really glad I found him in time.” 

“Me too.  Thank you, by the way, for that, and for staying with him this morning.”

There was still an uneasiness between them, but Sid let himself relax a little.

\---

August 3

They kept Jamie sedated for over just over 32 hours, until his blood tests showed that there was only a minimal level of the medication still in his system.  The first time he is awake, really awake is early evening on Wednesday.  Sid, Brian and Sullivan are sitting talking about everything that has happened when Sid looks over at Jamie and sees Jamie staring back.

“Hey, look who’s awake.”

Sid scoots his chair closer to the bed again, reaching out to touch Jamie’s face after he does.  Jamie tenses, so Sid pulls his hand back.

Jamie turns to look to the other side of the bed where Brian is now standing.

“What day?” Jamie’s voice is a little hoarse, a combination of the sedative and the tie having been tight around his throat.

“Wednesday.  How do you feel?”  Brian answers him.

“Dry.  Water?”

Brian nods toward Sid.  Jamie furrows his brow and keeps looking at Brian.

“Can you get me some water?”

“Sid has your cup.”  Brian nods again, so Jamie turns and looks, then turns back to Brian, a puzzled look on his face.

“Here,” Sid holds the cup in one hand and lays his other on Jamie’s arm.  Jamie tries not to jump, or pull away, as he turns to look at Sid again.  Finally, he takes a sip of water through the straw in the cup Sid is holding for him.  Swallowing is a little painful, but not too bad.

“How long have you been here?” he asks, quietly, almost afraid that by talking to Sid that Sid will disappear.

“I came Monday, for your birthday and to talk.  Don’t you remember?”

Jamie looks back to Brian, then sees Sully standing at the foot of the bed.  “Coach.”

“I came last night, Jamie.  You scared the hell out of a lot of people.” He’s not yelling, Jamie determines, his voice is full of worry not anger.

“Sorry.”

Sid reaches up and brushes the hair off Jamie’s forehead.  Jamie’s eyes dart back to Sid at the touch.  Sid notices a brief moment of fear in Jamie’s eyes, but it passes quickly.  He’s starting to become concerned at Jamie’s reactions to him. 

Sullivan can see that concern on Sid’s face, he reaches over and taps Brian’s arm and nods toward the door.

“We’re gonna give you two some time,” he says as he and Brian leave.

“How do you feel?” Sid lets his hand rest on Jamie’s arm.

“Tired, but better, I guess.”  Jamie keeps looking away.

“So you don’t remember that I came for your birthday?  That we talked?”

Jamie’s brain is still fuzzy, a lingering effect from either his medication, the sedative or having just awoken.  He’s trying to process what Sid is saying, trying to gauge Sid’s mood.  Is Sid hurt?  Angry?  What?  And, he’s still trying to convince himself that Sid is really there. 

“I think I remember that.  Everything was okay when we left for dinner, right?  We went to the club after dinner, I remember some of that.” 

“You drank a lot of shots.  I think everyone there bought you one at some point.”  Sid gave a half-hearted laugh.  “Then we came home and you fell asleep.  I thought you were getting up to go for a run the next morning.”

“I didn’t see you.  I guess, I thought maybe I dreamed it all, that you were there.”

“I was in the kitchen, talking to Kris.” 

What Jamie said registered with Sid.  The look that came over his face cut to Jamie’s soul.

“Jamie, when I wasn’t there, or you thought I hadn’t really been there, is that why?  Is that,” Sid remembered what Naidu said, why shouldn’t be important right now, but Sid had to know.  “Did you do this because of me?  Because you thought I didn’t want to be with you anymore?”

That look. Hurt. Guilt. Shame. Sorrow.  All written in Sid’s eyes.  On his face.  Staring down at Jamie.

Jamie’s mind worked, trying to get through the lingering haze, to figure out what to say to Sid. 

_How do I tell him, he thought?  How do I tell him this isn’t the first time?  I can’t.  He can’t know.  He can’t ever know.  I can’t tell him the truth.  I can’t.  He can’t ever know._

“What?  No, Sid, no, you can’t think that.  I don’t know why I did it, everything the last few days has been messed up in my head.  I don’t know what I was thinking, but no, it wasn’t because of you.  We were okay, right?  You said we talked.  I remember that.  So it couldn’t have been because of you.”  Jamie tried his hardest to sound convincing. 

God he wished that Sid hadn’t brought this up now, Jamie was having a hard time thinking still.  He was afraid he’d slip up and say something he shouldn’t, so he decided to just stop talking.

Sid’s face softened, the doubt slipping away as he lowered his head and he pressed his lips to Jamie’s.  Jamie hesitated for just a second before reaching up and wrapping his hand around the back of Sid’s neck, pulling him in to a deeper kiss.

When he let Sid up, Jamie fixed his eyes on Sid’s, “We’re okay.  I’m okay.”

Sid smiled down at Jamie, “I love you.”

“I love you.”

The thought, _Sid can never know the truth,_ kept running through Jamie’s brain.

\---

August 5

“So Sully’s on his way back to Pittsburgh?”  Jamie asked from the backseat of his Ford Escape.  The St. Croixs had driven Brian over to the house when they left the hospital on Tuesday so he could retrieve it for Jamie.

“Yes,” came the response from Brian in the front seat.

“Okay.”

“The team issued a statement today, officially, you had a reaction to the medication you were taking for the headaches.  Nothing more than once it built up in your system it made you sick, so they hospitalized you to let it get out of your system while under observation.” Sid stated, glancing at Jamie in the rearview mirror.

“Okay.”

One-word responses.  That was all Sid had gotten since Wednesday.  That, or the occasional question about the Pens and any fallout from what he’d done.  Brian had gotten the same.  Jamie was unusually quiet and withdrawn, they both thought. 

Janet had told them it was a normal response when she’d met with them in the hospital.  She’d told them not to pressure Jamie to talk about anything, to not ask questions about the attempt, to just let Jamie come back to them.  He would just need some time, she told them.

So they were both surprised when Jamie made a request.  “Sid, can we make a stop on the way home?”

“Where do you want to go?”  Sid asked cautiously.

“Just a brief stop.  Take a left at the next light, please?” 

After a couple of minutes, Brian recognized where they were headed.  He looked at Sid and mouthed ‘St. Croix’ to him.  Sid hadn’t said anything to Jamie about his conversation with Luc, and after that first day, they hadn’t been back to the hospital to see Jamie.

When they pulled up to the house, Jamie got out and walked to the front door and knocked.  Diane opened the door.  Sid and Brian watched her step forward and draw Jamie into a hug, then they disappeared into the house.

Fifteen minutes later, the door opened again.  Luc and Diane walked out together, Jamie was carrying something.  Diane gave Jamie another big hug, then Jamie shook Luc’s hand.

When he got in the car, he opened a paper bag, which was what he’d been carrying.  He handed Sid and Brian each a brownie.

“They’re the best brownies ever,” he said, “she makes them from scratch.”

“Everything okay?”  Sid asked as he took a bite of his brownie.  Damn, they were good, he thought.

“Yeah.  I wanted to thank them, well him, for saving me.”  Jamie said around a mouthful of brownie.  “Mrs. St. Croix insisted I take some brownies.”

Sid watched Jamie take another brownie out of the bag and jam it in his mouth.

“Do we get another one?”

Brian turned around hopefully at that.

“No, she said I only had to give you one.  The rest are mine.”

Sid watched a smile spread across Jamie’s mouth as he shoved a third brownie in.

“And so you really aren’t going to share more than that?”  Brian sounded hurt.

“Oh, okay.  Here.”  Jamie handed them each another brownie.  “But that’s it.”

Jamie shoved a fourth, then fifth brownie in his mouth, making happy ‘nom nom nom’ sounds the whole time.

For the first time in days, Sid felt like Jamie really was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading! Comments always welcome and appreciated!
> 
> on tumblr at PensToTheEnd as well... come share hockey stuff with me!
> 
> Chapter Title from "Just Give Me A Reason" by Pink


	17. Can You Love Me Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid is really concerned that something is still wrong with Jamie, who has been out of the hospital two weeks as of today. In those two weeks, they haven’t had sex at all. Jamie at least isn’t flinching every time Sid touches him, like he did the first few days in Edmonton. That had seemed to change after the day at the cabin. But for Jamie to not want to have sex?

Saturday morning Jamie spends a couple of hours texting with the team and a few other people, people that know what really happened, namely the team and a few other friends.  All sworn to secrecy by Sid.  Sid had also warned them not to ask questions about what happened, but that didn’t stop them.  Sid told them not to yell at Jamie, but that didn’t stop them.  Jamie knew this might be tough, but he did it anyway.

At one point, while Sid and Brian were in the kitchen talking, Jamie yelled for Sid to text Flower and tell him to quit typing in all caps.

Sid:  _Stop yelling at him.  I told you that wasn’t allowed._

Flower:  _HE NEEDS TO BE YELLED AT!!!_

Sid:  _Stop yelling at me._

Flower:  _I’LL YELL AT WHOEVER I WANT!!!_

After a few minutes, Sid gets another text.

Flower:  _I’m sorry I yelled at you.  Please forgive me._

Sid:  _Tanger’s there, isn’t he?_

Flower:  _Yes._

Sid:  _Kick or pillow?_

Tanger:  _Pillow.  You’re welcome._

Shortly after Jamie gets done texting Geno, who made Jamie feel bad because he kept sending a picture of Nikita with the caption _What if he never know Uncle Marshmallow?_ , Jamie gets a text from Ovechkin.

Ovi:  _You sure you are okay baby Pen?_

Jamie:  _Yes Alex.  I’m fine._

Ovi:  _Is good you not die.  Now I come kill you myself for making everyone worry.  Poor Zhenya so upset he crying in vodka._

Jamie:  _Is he with you?  So he’s been drinking? That explains a lot._

Ovi:  _Yes and Yes!  I visiting baby and Geno crying over baby Pen try to hurt himself._

Jamie:  _Did you cry over me?_

Ovi:  _Of course not.  Not want to water down good vodka._

After he gets done texting everyone, he does what he’s been dreading.  He sends a text and gets a quick response, so he opens his new laptop and fires up Skype.  Pretty soon there are two very angry looking women on his screen.

“Mom.  T.”

Jamie sits quietly and endures their wrath, mixed in with a lot of tears and we love yous, for the next two hours.

\---

It is early afternoon before Jamie joins Sid and Brian in the kitchen.  He goes to the fridge and grabs a bottle of water before sitting down at the table with them.

“Your punishment complete?”  Sid grins.

“Ugh, yes.  Mom and T say hi.” Jamie groans.

“So, we’ve been wondering what your plans are.  We haven’t really talked about it.”  

“I was going to pack stuff up.  Decide what I wanted to take up to the cabin and store there.  I think I have a bunch of stuff that I can donate to a local charity, like clothes and things.  Then I planned on loading my car and driving back to Pittsburgh with everything else.  Oh, and I have to get the keys to the realtor.”

“Why are you keeping your vehicle,” Sid questions, “You can get the Jeep and drive it home?  So we can all just fly back together.”

“I’m keeping the Escape.” Jamie states matter-of-factly.

“But you have the Jeep.”

Then Sid sees Jamie’s demeanor change, he looks like Sid just hit him. 

“My mom and dad bought it for me, for my sixteenth birthday.  I can’t… I don’t want to sell it yet, if that’s okay with you.”

“Okay.  But, you aren’t driving back to Pittsburgh alone.”  Sid says.

“I’m not driving with you.  You’re no fun and all you did was yell at me.” Jamie retorts.

“You aren’t driving across the country alone.”

“I don’t need a babysitter, Sid.  I’m a big boy.  I can drive all the way to Pittsburgh all by myself if I want to.”  Jamie’s voice has an edge to it.

Brian thinks about just getting up and leaving, not wanting to sit through another round of Marsh versus Crosby.  Things have been strained between the two of them, and Brian’s already refereed two other rounds.  One because Jamie drinks too much, according to Sid, and another because Jamie wanted to go running by himself this morning and Sid wouldn’t let him. 

Sid, so Brian told him, needs to not mother hen Jamie.  And Jamie, according to Brian, has been drinking too much.  Both disagreements had been worked out peaceably, but this one didn’t look to be as promising.  Brian can’t just leave, however, because Jamie is looking at him with pleading eyes.

“I already changed my plans so I don’t have to hurry back home.  I could drive back to the Burgh with Jamie.”

“Are you sure?”  Sid asks.

“Yes he’s sure.  So there, are you happy.  Dumes will babysit me all the way back to Pittsburgh.”

“You have no idea what you just got yourself into,” Sid says to Brian as he gets up and walks away.

\---

Saturday night and Sunday are spent packing boxes.  Sid looks at the few items that Jamie wants to store at the cabin.  It isn’t a lot, really only two pieces of furniture.  A beautiful roll-top desk that was Bill Marsh’s grandfathers and a china cabinet that has his mother’s china and silverware set in it. 

Sid doesn’t think it’s a good idea to store them at a cabin that isn’t winterized.  Monday morning, Sid makes arrangements with a moving company to just have them haul everything to Pittsburgh.

“They’ll look great in the back bedroom.  I think we should make it into an office for you to use.” 

That seems to make Jamie happy, and it also opens the floodgate as Jamie decides he can now take more back to Pittsburgh than he planned.  Jamie decides to keep the couch and rocking chair from the front room, as well as some barrister style bookcases.  Sid doesn’t say anything as Jamie decides to keep almost all of the furniture, even though he’s not sure where they are going to put some of it.  His house isn’t his house anymore, he thinks.  It is their home.

\---

The movers can’t come until Wednesday, so Tuesday morning the three of them decide to drive up to the cabin.  Jamie really wants to show it to them and he needs to check to make sure everything is okay with the cabin even if he isn’t storing anything there.

Jamie stops at a general store just outside of Smoky Lake.  Sid and Brian follow him through the screen door.

“Delores, look who the hell it is!” An older man standing behind the counter yells at the grey-haired woman sitting at a desk a short distance from him.  “It’s the Stanley Cup winner!”

The man comes around the counter, grabs Jamie and gives him a bear hug.

“We didn’t expect to see you again.  And how are you?  Heard you spent a couple of days in the hospital.”

“Yeah, Sam, just still treating the post-concussion stuff.  Hey, Delores.” Jamie says as she comes over to hug him, too.   Jamie steps out of the hug, “These are my friends, George and Ringo.”

“Aren’t you funny,” Sam laughs as he steps up to shake Sid’s hand, “like I wouldn’t know Sidney Fucking Crosby.”

Sid blushes, “Does everyone in Canada really call me that?”

“Just around these parts, son,” Sam laughs as he turns to Brian.  “And you are Brian Dumoulin.  Nice to meet you, too, son.”

Sid is a little shocked that they know Brian, then he sees the framed Pens team photo on the wall behind the counter.  It is their official photo with the cup.  There are a couple of other photos on the wall, too, including an autographed photo of Jamie, Brian and the older couple with the cup.

“Aren’t you funny, Sam,” Brian says as both Sam and Delores give him a hug.

Jamie looks at Sid, “I’ve known Sam and Delores since I was six, when Mom and Dad first brought me to the cabin.  They’re practically family, huh, Sam.”

“That’s right, we’re the grandparents Jamie never had.  So, you on your way to the cabin?  Gonna spend some time relaxing on the lake?”

“Nah,” Jamie says, “just up for the day to make sure everything is okay out there.  I stopped to see you, and ask if you could make arrangements for Frank to go out and drain the propane tank before winter.  I haven’t used much and it’s probably getting funky.  The lines probably need flushed as well.”

“Not a problem.”  Sam says as he walks back around the counter and makes himself a note.

They spend a little while visiting with Sam and Delores, who load them up with snacks and drinks for the day even though Jamie says they brought food.  Of course, they won’t take any money, but Jamie slips an envelope on the register before he leaves.  It’s $1000, enough to pay for the propane tank to be flushed, and extra for Sam because he’ll run out and check the cabin a few times over the winter.  It is what Jamie’s dad had always done, so it is what Jamie does.

A short time after leaving the store Jamie turns down a long, winding dirt road.

“Holy shit, Fluff, it’s beautiful here,” Brian says as they pull up to the cabin.

Everything seems to be okay with the cabin, so they spend the day swimming and laying in the sun.  Late in the afternoon they build a fire and cook the steaks they brought for dinner.

“We definitely need to come next summer,” Sid says to Jamie as they are leaving.

“Really?”  Jamie asks.

“Yeah.”  Sid reaches over and lays his hand on Jamie’s leg, giving it a light squeeze.  “We need to come for at least a week or two every summer.”

\---

Thursday morning, they get up, eat breakfast and then Sid says good-bye and drives to the airport to catch his charter back to Cole Harbour.  Jamie and Brian run the last of Jamie’s errands in Edmonton, dropping off clothes and other items at a charity, then stopping to tell Diane St. Croix good-bye.  Jamie promises her that he’ll call at least once a week.  She gives them each a bag of brownies, which makes Brian very happy.

Friday morning, they get up, drop the house keys at the realtor’s office and start back to Pittsburgh.

Four hours into the drive they stop to get gas and something to eat.  Brian is no sooner out of the vehicle than he is texting Sid.

Dumes:  _OH MY GOD!!!!_

Sid:  _Tried to warn you._

Dumes:  _No.  This is great!!  We are having so much fun!  Have to start playing punch bug on the bus, seriously!!_

Sid:  _Neither one of you is right in the head._

They had planned to drive straight through, alternating driving and sleeping between the two of them, but they were having so much fun, they changed their plans.  They decided to just drive until they got tired, find a hotel and stop for the night, then get up and do it again the next day.  They finally got back to Sid’s Monday afternoon.

Tuesday, Jamie flies to Nova Scotia.

\---

Sid is really concerned that something is still wrong with Jamie, who has been out of the hospital two weeks as of today.  In those two weeks, they haven’t had sex at all.  Jamie at least isn’t flinching every time Sid touches him, like he did the first few days in Edmonton.  That had seemed to change after the day at the cabin.  But for Jamie to not want to have sex?  Something is definitely wrong and Sid has a guess at what it might be, so he calls Janet, because Jamie signed a release for Sid to be able to talk to her about Jamie as well.  Up to a point, that is.

“He’s been through a lot in just the past month.  And he may be feeling some guilt over what happened, that is sometimes the case.  He let things get out of control, that’s bothering him, too.  It’s just a lot, give him time, Sid.” 

“What can I do to help him?” Sid asks.

“Just keep doing what you’ve been doing, being supportive.”

They spend the day on the lake with friends of Sid’s who have a boat.  Jamie is relaxed, and Sid makes a point to hold his hand, or sit with his arm around Jamie.  In other words, to make sure he shows Jamie that he isn’t afraid to be open around his friends.  Jamie smiles all day.

When they come home, Jamie says he’s going to take a shower before bed.  Sid thinks this is a good opportunity, so he offers to join Jamie, but gets turned down. 

In the middle of the night, Sid rolls over and reaches to throw his arm over Jamie, but the other side of the bed is empty.  Sid sits up and calls Jamie’s name.  No response.  He climbs out of bed and goes looking.  Jamie isn’t in any of the guest rooms, so Sid wanders downstairs.

Jamie is on the couch, on his back with one arm across his face and the other across his stomach.  He’s restless, though, his body twitching often.  Sid stands and watches him for a few minutes.  The twitching increases and Jamie rolls his head to the side.  He’s mumbling something in his sleep that Sid can’t quite make out.

Jamie’s breathing changes, becomes stressed.  The hand on his stomach clenches into a fist.  Sid wants to go to Jamie, to wake him and comfort him, but he steps back into the shadows.  Jamie’s body tenses a few times, Sid hears him say ‘no’ and then Sid’s name.  Then Jamie jerks awake, sitting straight up. 

Sid watches Jamie rub his face with his hands, then look around the room.  Sid doesn’t think Jamie sees him, though, because Jamie just lays back down and goes to sleep.  Sid goes back to his bedroom and lays in bed wondering, and worrying. 

The next morning, Sid wakes to the sound of the shower running. 

This happens the next couple of nights as well, Jamie going to bed with him, then moving to the couch once Sid is asleep.  Sid wonders if this hasn’t been happening every night since Jamie got out of the hospital, so he debates about just confronting Jamie about it, but decides to wait.

On the third night after discovering Jamie’s routine, however, Sid wakes up with a start.  He can hear Jamie from downstairs, obviously having a nightmare.  Jamie’s not mumbling, he’s calling out for Sid.  Sid jumps up and runs downstairs. 

Jamie is on the couch, he’s still asleep.  His hands though are clawing at his neck, as if he’s trying to get something off.  He’s calling Sid’s name.

“Oh shit,” Sid whispers.

Sid sits down on the edge of the couch and grabs Jamie’s hands, pulling them down and holding them tight. 

“It’s okay, baby boy, I’m here.  It’s okay.  Wake up, Jamie.  It was just a dream.  I’m here.” 

Jamie turns away from his voice, straining his arms against Sid’s grip.  Sid keeps talking to him until Jamie finally settles down, his eyes slowly fluttering open.

Sid leans his head down next to Jamie’s, while he keeps whispering in Jamie’s ear.  Slowly Sid loosens his grip on Jamie’s wrists so he can run his hands up Jamie’s arms. 

“I’m here, baby boy.  I’m here.” Sid repeats over and over, as he kisses Jamie’s cheek, along his jaw, across his forehead.

Jamie’s hands splay across Sid’s bare chest and at first, Sid thinks Jamie is going to push him away.  Instead, Jamie’s hands slide around Sid’s body, clenching against Sid’s back and pulling him down.  Jamie tilts his head back, exposing his neck to Sid’s eager mouth, so Sid licks a long strip down Jamie’s neck, then kisses his way back to Jamie’s mouth.

Sid lifts his head, Jamie’s eyes are clenched, tightly closed, his mouth open.

“Baby boy, look at me.”

Jamie tilts his head down, opens his eyes and fixes them on Sid.  Even in the dim lighting Sid sees it, just for a split-second, that look of panic, then it is gone.  Sid dips his head, brushes his lips lightly over Jamie’s.

“Are you sure?”

Jamie responds by chasing after Sid’s lips, by pulling him closer, by licking into Sid’s mouth, by moaning softly when Sid’s tongue meets his.  They kiss that way - soft, gentle, simple - for what seems like Sid to be not long enough, he’s missed being with Jamie so much.  Jamie pulls away and Sid moans a protest, until Jamie rolls over on to his stomach.

Sid tosses the blanket covering Jamie onto the floor, then shifts down the couch a little towards Jamie’s knees, running his hands down Jamie’s bare back.  Sid slips his fingers into the waistband of Jamie’s boxer briefs and tugs them down.  Jamie raises his hips, then knees, up off the couch to allow Sid to slide the briefs all the way off.

Sid stands up and slips out of his boxers, then gives Jamie’s hip a light slap.  Jamie gets up on his knees, keeping his head and chest pressed down to the couch, spreading his knees to give Sid room to kneel between them.  Sid is hard, precum leaking from the head of his dick as he wraps his hand around the shaft and pulled the foreskin back.  With his other hand, he spreads Jamie’s cheeks and rubs the head against the tight, pink opening.

Jamie pushes his hips back.  Sid knows that as long as he goes slow, Jamie can take him with just the lubrication from Sid’s precum.  Sid pushes the head against the rim until it slips through the ring of tight muscle, Jamie isn’t moving.  Sid keeps one hand wrapped around the shaft of his dick, but moves the other to Jamie’s side, tapping lightly until he feels Jamie take a breath.

Sid waits for a moment, then holds himself steady when he feels Jamie slowly rock his hips back on Sid’s dick, taking it in slow, inch by inch, pausing every so often to let his body stretch around the shaft.  When Sid is almost all of the way in, he releases his hold on his dick and lays his body down over Jamie’s back, wrapping one arm around Jamie’s waist and gripping one Jamie’s shoulder with the other.

Sid waits until Jamie slowly, steadily starts to grind his hips against Sid’s, pushing the last of Sid’s dick into ass.

“Okay?” Sid’s head is resting next to Jamie’s. Sid’s breath is hot against Jamie’s ear.

Jamie turns his head to Sid, his mouth seeking skin, mouth, anything.  “Fuck me.”

Sid rocks his hips slowly, matching Jamie’s grind, Sid’s body enveloping Jamie’s as they move together.  They stay that way, bodies pressed together, a light sheen of sweat making their skin glisten in the dim light. 

Jamie is warm and tight around Sid, who realizes he’s not going to last long.  It has been over a month since they were together and while Sid has gone longer without sex, he hasn’t gone more than a day or two without having sex with Jamie since that first time in Boston in February.  God, he’s missed this, this closeness, this completeness he feels with Jamie when they are together.

Sid feels Jamie shift his body, recognizing that Jamie is reaching to grab his own dick, meaning he is probably close as well.  Sid lifts his body up slightly so he can kiss and bite at the back of Jamie’s neck and shoulders.

“Hard?” Sid whispers.

“Yeah,” Jamie nods into the pillow.  “God, yes.  Please.”

Sid sits back so he is kneeling again, keeping his dick deep in Jamie.  Once he gets settled he slowly pulls his hips back, drawing his dick out of Jamie until just the head remains inside, then he snaps his hips forward hard and fast.  Jamie’s breath hitches even though he was anticipating the thrust.  Sid starts a steady pace of those thrusts, out slow then in hard and fast.

“Fuck, Sid.”

Jamie strokes his own dick, increasing the pressure and tempo as Sid starts fucking into him faster, driving deep with each thrust.  It only takes a few thrusts for Sid to be on the edge.  Jamie moans and his body tenses as he releases his own orgasm, spurt cum into his hand and onto his stomach.  When Jamie’s ass constricts tightly around Sid, that is all Sid needs.  He thrusts in as far as he can and cums deep in Jamie’s ass.

Spent, Sid lets his weight fall forward onto Jamie again, both of them breathing hard.  After a few seconds, Sid rolls onto his side, wedging down between Jamie and the back of the couch, glad that he bought an extra wide couch a couple of years ago.  Jamie turns so he is on his side facing Sid.

“Couch is gonna be a mess,” Jamie says sheepishly.

“We’ll get it in the morning.”

Jamie nuzzles his face into Sid’s neck, folding his arms up between them and pressing himself to Sid’s chest.  Sid wraps his arms around Jamie, pulls him tight and kisses Jamie’s forehead. 

When Sid wakes up in the morning, Jamie is still stretched out in his arms on the couch.

After that night, Jamie doesn’t leave their bed to go sleep on the couch again.  The bad dreams become less frequent over the next couple of weeks.


	18. Where My Demons Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “That’s why,” Kris rubs his hands over Jamie’s back, “that’s why Sid said he thought you were looking at him funny, like you were afraid of him?”
> 
> “It took me days to get it through to my brain that he was really there, that I wasn’t still hallucinating. Even after I stopped taking the medicine, my brain was still fucked up over what was real and what wasn’t.”
> 
> Jamie jerked out of Kris’ arms, a look of panic on his face.
> 
> “Oh god! You can’t tell him any of this, Tanger. You can’t.” Jamie sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where we find out more about Jamie's depression... 
> 
> **Warning on this chapter that it contains what some would feel are graphic accounts of images from Jamie's dad's suicide and Jamie's attempted suicide in the form of the nightmare that Jamie keeps having.... plus talk of depression and suicidal thoughts...

Jamie and Sid fly back to Pittsburgh on the 24th so they can participate in the Penguins’ 50th Anniversary Fan Fest over that weekend.  Friday, they are unpacking the boxes Jamie brought back with him from Edmonton.  One of them is full of scrapbooks and some of Jamie’s trophies. 

Sid is having fun looking at all of the pictures from when Jamie was little.  There are a lot of Jamie with Kyle he notices.  They look good together, and Jamie looks so happy whenever he is in a picture with Kyle.

They haven’t talked about the nightmares, but they aren’t happening every night now.  That’s a good thing.  So is the fact that their relationship seems to be back to where it was, or mostly where it was, before Jamie left.  Sidney thinks it’s time.

“So, baby boy,” he says casually as Jamie is sitting on the floor unpacking a box of books.  “I’ve been thinking about something.”

Sid wanders across the room and sits down on the floor next to Jamie, taking Jamie’s right hand into his.

“Something’s wrong here.”

Jamie looks worried at Sid’s remark.  “What’s wrong?  I thought we were… isn’t everything okay?”

“No.  I mean yes.  Everything’s okay.  But something’s missing and I thought maybe you’d like it back.  Ya know, so you can flash it at everyone this weekend.”

Sid reaches into his pocket and pulls out Jamie’s ring, slipping it back onto the ring finger of Jamie’s right hand.  Jamie rolls it around a couple of times before leaning over and kissing Sid.

“All of you.” Jamie says when he leans back.

“All of you.” Sid answers.

\---

A short time later they are still sitting there going through more scrapbooks when Jamie’s cellphone starts playing ‘Like a Boss’ from Minecraft.

“Where do you find these songs?”  Sid looks at him quizzically.

“Text from Rutherford, and I’m a music connoisseur.”

JR:  _Jonathan Drouin out of World Cup with injury.  Team NA looking for left-winger and called me to see if you might be available.  Are you interested?_

“Holy shit,” Jamie exclaims as he reads Rutherford’s text. 

“What?”

“I might get to play in the world cup,” Jamie’s shocked, “Team North America contacted Jim to see if I might be interested.  Even after the thing in Edmonton evidently.”

Sid doesn’t say anything.

“Sid?”

“I was hoping you’d come to Ottawa with me when training camp started.”

“I was going to stay in Pittsburgh, so I could meet with Janet.  She’ll be here by then.”  Then Sid’s real motives dawn on Jamie.  “Fuck, Sid.  We’ve had this conversation.  I don’t need to be babysat every minute.  I’m fine.”

“I didn’t say that.”  Sid’s ducks his head, knowing Jamie caught him, though.  “I just want to have you around.  I like having you with me.  Show off my arm candy, you know.”

“Nice try.”

“So, do you want to play?  It might be kind of fun to play against you.” Sid pushes Jamie’s shoulder and Jamie lets himself fall over onto his side.  Sid moves to climb on top of Jamie.

“I’d so beat your ass up and down the ice.” Sid chirps.

“In your dreams, Crosby!”  Jamie grabs Sid, wrapping his arms around him and flipping Sid onto his back.

“Jesus,” Sid ‘oofs’ as his back hits the floor, “it’s really not fair that you’re bigger.”

Sid, extremely strong and well-conditioned, usually finds himself on the losing end of wrestling matches with Jamie.  Sid says that it is because Jamie has him by five inches, but in reality he knows that it’s because Jamie really is one strong fucker.

Jamie pins Sid’s shoulders down, hovering over him.  “You know, I already did once.”

“Practices don’t count.”

“No.  When I was with the Ducks.  My first game in the NHL was against the Pens.  I skated circles around you.”

“Why don’t I seem to remember that?” Sid doesn’t remember playing against Jamie.

“Cause it was only for one shift.  One glorious shift where I kicked your ass.”  Jamie leans down and unceremoniously licks Sid’s cheek.  “Cause again I say, you are my bitch Sidney Crosby.”

“Ew.  Stop it.  Let me up.”  Sid goes to push Jamie’s hands off Sid’s shoulders, but Jamie grabs Sid’s wrists and pins them above Sid’s head, moving so he’s straddling Sid’s hips.

“Nope.”  Jamie keeps licking, Sidney helplessly pinned underneath him.  “Mine.  All mine.”

An hour later, they are lying side-by-side on the floor, naked, breathing heavily. 

Sid pats Jamie’s thigh, chuckling.  “Yep, baby boy.  All yours.”

Jamie, his own cum drying on his stomach and Sid’s cum still dripping from his ass, looks completely wrecked.

“Shut up, Sid.”

\---

After they get cleaned up, Jamie texts Rutherford back.

Jamie:  _Maybe.  Team okay if I do?  Medically cleared to play still?_

JR:  _Yes.  But don’t need our approval to play in WC._

Jamie:  _Will talk to you tomorrow.  At Fan Fest._

\---

Sid swipes the room key through the reader and opens the door to his hotel room.  Practice seemed unusually long today, but he’s really happy the way Team Canada is looking with their first pre-tournament game two days away.

Three days of practice together before playing together doesn’t seem like enough sometimes, but they are all NHL professionals, seasoned veterans, so really, three days is enough.

Sid kicks off his shoes under the hotel room desk and strips out of his shorts and sweatshirt before carefully climbing in to bed for a nap.

“Mmmm…” Jamie rolls over and flops his arm across Sid’s chest.  “How was practice.”

“Good.” Sid gives Jamie a light kiss.  “Sorry, was trying not to wake you.  How long have you been asleep?”

Jamie leans up to look at the clock on the table next to the bed, “half hour or so.  You done with team stuff for the day?”

“Yeah.  Thought I’d just take a nap with you for a bit, we’re invited out to dinner with some of the team.  Meeting up around 7 pm.”

“Okay.  So time for a nap,” Jamie slides up tight against Sid, giving his neck a couple of kisses before he rests his head on Sid’s chest, “and some fun, too.”

“After the nap.”  Sid settles himself down into the mattress, “to tired at the moment to enjoy myself.”

Jamie debated playing for Team North America for a couple of days before finally saying no to the offer.  And instead of staying in Pittsburgh, he had opted to go with Sid to Ottawa for Team Canada’s training camp, at least for the first few days. 

Once they started playing their pre-tournament games Jamie thought he’d go spend a couple of days with Kris and Catherine, and Alex of course, who’d invited him over to Montreal.  Then he’d head back to Pittsburgh, meeting up with Sid again when Canada played Russia in a pre-tournament game at Consol on the 14th.

It wasn’t that Jamie didn’t want to play in the World Cup, it was just that he wasn’t sure he was up to playing with a team that wasn’t the Penguins yet.  Sure, Muzz would be there, and Jamie could have roomed with him, but there would be a lot of other guys, from other teams.  Jamie didn’t want to have to face possible questions about Edmonton, or his relationship with Sid, or anything for that matter.  In addition, playing in the World Cup meant having to deal with the media and Jamie wasn’t up to that either. 

\---

Jamie’s not sure when the dream first started, maybe it was right after his birth dad died.  What he does remember is waking up the first few nights he was with the Marshes, Jean holding him, comforting him because he had cried out in his sleep she would tell him. 

Jamie was afraid that Bill and Jean would send him away, that they wouldn’t want him if he kept waking up and crying at night.  He needed to hide his bad dream from them, he thought.  So one night, Jamie laid in bed until he thought Bill and Jean had gone to bed, then get up and closed his door.  When Bill found the door closed the next morning, Jamie told him that his door was always closed at night at his house.  Bill and Jean hadn’t questioned it again. 

Kyle started coming over to spend the night when Jamie was seven.  Jamie can’t remember ever having the dream on nights when Kyle was sleeping next to him.  Eventually, the dream went away completely as he got older.

The dream came back after Kyle died. 

Running with Cat had helped, though, and the dream went away, but not for long, coming back in earnest after his parents, the people Jamie considered his real parents, Bill and Jean, had been killed in the car accident.  The dream came almost every night the first couple of months.  Jamie had started counseling by then and the dream eventually stopped coming at night.  It didn’t even come back after the incident in Anaheim.

Eventually Jamie settled into life with Sid.  While the dream had stopped, the thoughts had still been there.  Everyday.  Like they had been for as long as he could remember.  But, being with Sid helped, just like being with Kyle had helped.

But then there was the concussion and the headaches, and then Sid hadn’t been there, and then there was the medication and the hallucinations had come.  And then Jamie hadn’t been able to fight down his demons any longer and he’d tried to hang himself.  Well, he hadn’t tried, he’d done it.  He wouldn’t be here if Luc St. Croix hadn’t walked in to his barn to confront Jamie about being there. 

After he got out of the hospital, the dream came back.

The dream had been different this time, because of the hallucinations.  The hallucinations were bad, it took so long to get past them and trust Sid again, Jamie thinks.  The worst part, though, was that they had become a part of the dream.  

The dream always started out the same way.  Jamie, six years old, playing hockey.  His dad and mom, his birth parents, sitting in the stands watching him play.  Then Jamie looks up and his mom is gone, when he looks down at the ice, there is blood everywhere and his dad laying in the middle of a large pool of blood on the ice.  Jamie kneels down beside him, shaking him, trying to wake him.  Somehow, Jamie rolls his dad over.  His dad’s eyes are black, unseeing, and half his head is missing.

That is usually where Jamie would jolt awake.  With that image of his dad stuck in his brain, the image burned into his memory the day his father took his own life with a handgun.  The image that Jamie saw over and over again as he tried to wake his dad several times during the day before Bill Marsh had found him. 

That was also before the hallucinations.  Since that day in Edmonton, the dream had taken on an added aspect.

The scene shifts suddenly to the St. Croix’ barn.  Jamie is lying on the floor, a tie knotted tightly around his throat.  Jamie is clawing at the tie, desperately trying to pry it from his neck.  He is calling out for someone to help him.  For Sid.  Jamie fights to breathe, unable to get the tie loose.  As everything starts to go black, Sid is standing there, not coming to help him, just turning and walking away.

That is when Jamie wakes up now. 

The first couple of weeks after he got out of the hospital, the dream came every time Jamie slept.  It had happened the first night he and Brian had been on the road coming home to Pittsburgh.  Jamie woke up in the dark hotel room to Brian shaking him.  Jamie had just curled up against Brian, crying, unable to tell him what was wrong.

The next morning Jamie made Brian promise not to tell Sid about having a bad dream.  He told Brian it was just a lingering side effect, that he had told Janet about having nightmares.  In other words, Jamie lied to Brian, afraid that if Brian knew the truth that Brian wouldn’t understand.  No one understood. 

\---

On the 8th Team Canada flies to Columbus, Ohio, for their first game against Team USA.  Jamie rents a car and drives to Montreal to spend a couple of days at the Letang residence.  Kris told him to bring some dress clothes because Catherine wants to take Jamie out to a nice restaurant for dinner.  Jamie packed a pair of dress slacks and a button down shirt, throwing in his suit jacket just in case.

That night he is getting dressed when Kris walks in, carrying something in his hand.

“Hey, did you pack a tie?  You can get away without a jacket, but you need a tie.”

Jamie shakes his head, “I couldn’t…” he starts to say.  He doesn’t get his whole sentence out before Kris tosses the thing in his hands at Jamie.

Jamie catches it and freezes as he looks down at it in his hands.  The room starts spinning.  Jamie stares at the piece of fabric, the neck tie he is grasping tightly.  Suddenly he can’t breathe.  His knees buckle and he drops to the floor, his knees hitting hard before he falls back against the edge of the bed.

Kris rushes over, squatting down next to Jamie.  All the blood has drained from Jamie’s face and he’s hyperventilating.  Kris thinks Jamie is going to pass out at any moment.  Jamie is staring blankly at his hand, at the tie.  Kris realizes what he has done, unintentionally, without even thinking.

Kris pries the tie out of Jamie’s hand, tossing it across the room.  Kris cups Jamie’s face in his hands and turns Jamie’s head so that he has to look at him.

“I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry, Jamie.  It’s okay.”  Kris sits down and pulls Jamie close to him, holding him tight.

Catherine comes in, checking to see what is taking Jamie so long to get ready.  Kris looks up and motions her out. 

“It’s okay, Jamie.” He keeps repeating until Jamie’s breathing slows.

Once Jamie calms down enough, Kris gets him up on to the bed.  They sit together, Jamie leaning against Kris, who has his arm wrapped around Jamie.

“I didn’t think, Jamie.  I’m so sorry.”

“I tried to pack one,” Jamie says quietly, “I couldn’t even pick it up to put it in my bag.  Please.  Please don’t tell, Sid.”

“What?  Don’t tell Sid what?  That you had a panic attack over a tie?”

Jamie nods his head.

Kris isn’t sure what’s up with that, but he doesn’t want to question Jamie while he’s still upset.

\---

The next night, Friday night, they watch Team Canada beat Team USA 3-0.  Saturday morning, Jamie gets up and goes for a run.  When he gets back, Kris is sitting at the kitchen table waiting for him.

“We need to talk,” he says as Jamie pours some juice.

“About what?”  Jamie is instantly defensive.

“Why you are hiding things from Sid.  I thought that after what happened this summer you two wouldn’t do that anymore.  It causes problems.”

“Not your problem, Tanger.  Leave it alone.”

“The fuck it’s not my problem.  I’m not going through that shit again.  Something’s wrong Jamie, this isn’t just about the other night.  Sid’s worried about you.  He said you were having bad dreams, waking up in the middle of the night shaking.”

“Yeah, but they’ve stopped.  So no need to worry.”  Jamie sips at his juice, keeping his eyes focused on the glass and not Kris.

“Are you still having problems?  Sid said you told him the medicine made you see things, see your friend that died.  Are you still having those hallucinations?”

“No.”  Jamie looks up.  “Did Sid ask you to keep an eye on me?  Is that why you invited me to come stay while he was in Columbus?”

“I told you, he’s worried that you might…”

“I’ve told you guys, it was the medication, I’m not going to try and kill myself again.”

“How can we be sure, Jamie, if you don’t talk to us when things happen like with the tie?”

“Because I didn’t try to kill myself any other time I fucking thought about it, okay?”  Jamie downs the last of his juice, slams the glass down on the counter and walks out of the kitchen.

Kris gets up and goes after him, following Jamie all the way to the guest bedroom.  Kris shuts the door behind them.

“What do you mean all the other times?  You’ve thought about hurting yourself before?”

Jamie sits down on the bed, “I’m not talking about this, Tanger.  Get out.”

“For how long have you had those thoughts, Jamie?  Since the concussion.  Have you been depressed?”  Kris moves to sit next to Jamie, but stops a couple of feet away when Jamie glares at him, anger flashing in Jamie’s eyes. “Look, a lot of players go through bouts of depression following an injury.  I did, after the stroke.  It was hard when I thought I wasn’t going to get to play ever again.”

Jamie drops his head, “It’s been longer than that.”

“Since Anaheim?”

“Longer than that.”

“Jamie?  How long?  Since your parents were killed?  Or even longer?”  The realization that Jamie has been dealing with depression for a long time starts to sink in to Kris.

Jamie looks up, the anger gone, replaced by fear, and tears.  “For as long as I can fucking remember, okay?”

“Fuck.”  Kris runs his hand through his hair.

“Yeah, fuck.  I can’t remember too many days when I haven’t felt this way.  I’ve fought it, every day.  I’ve fought down the thoughts.  Fought back the darkness that comes out of nowhere some days and I just want to crawl in a hole and give up.  I fought it because I have hockey.  I fought it because I had Kicks, Kyle, my best friend that killed himself.  I so wanted to do it then, I fucking should have.”  The tears are running down Jamie’s cheeks. “I fought it down every day until after my parents died.  That was when I couldn’t fight it anymore.  I was on my way home to do it, but I got stopped and arrested for a DUI.”

“Jamie, you’ve kept this all bottled up this whole time?”

“No one understands.  I tried talking to my dad one time when I was 13.  I told him I’d been feeling really sad, for a long time.  My dad said I was just sad because I wasn’t going to be playing on the same team as Kicks.”

“So you said you had your friend, that was why you could fight down the thoughts about hurting yourself, but then he died?  So how have you managed since then?  What happened in Edmonton?  Did the medication make you want to do it?  I’ve heard that can happen with anti-depressants and teenagers.”

“No.  It wasn’t the medication.”  Jamie sniffles.  “After Kicks died, I could still hear his voice.  It was my thoughts, my conscious I guess, telling me not to do it.  My thoughts, but in Kicks’ voice.  Or I’d dream about him, he would always tell me that I shouldn’t do it, that he wanted me to stay here.  Even with the medication, when I really started hallucinating him, he always told me to stay here.”

“Then why?  Why did you do it?”

Jamie puts his hands over his face, “Because of Sid.”

It is barely above a whisper. Kris isn’t sure he heard right. 

“Because of Sid?” Kris repeats.  “But Sid wasn’t there.  Or was it because Sid wasn’t there?”

“I kept seeing Sid.  I kept hearing his voice.  Every time Kicks would tell me to stay, I would see or hear Sid telling me to just do it, just make everyone happy and do it.  In my head, the impulses, the little voice that I could beat down turned in to Sid’s voice.”  Jamie is starting to cry harder as he tells Kris all this.  “Sid telling me he never loved me.  Sid telling me no one ever loved me.  That Kicks left me because he didn’t love me.  My parents.  Everyone.  Telling me that he didn’t want me.  That I should just fucking kill myself.”

Kris can’t take any more.  He sits down and wraps his arms around Jamie, pulling until Jamie’s body gives in and Jamie melts into Kris’ body, burying his head against Kris’ shoulder.

“Oh Jamie, Sid loves you.  None of that was true, why would you think that.”

“I know that.  But I couldn’t stop it.  All the thoughts I had all the time before that, they changed into Sid telling me those things.  So I went to the barn, to Kicks’ parents.  I went because Kicks told me to come to him.  I took my dad’s ties.  At the barn, I saw Kicks.  He kept telling me not to do it.  But then Sid was there again and he was telling me to just do it.  I couldn’t fight anymore.  I was so tired of fighting that feeling every fucking day.  So I did it.”

“That’s why,” Kris rubs his hands over Jamie’s back, “that’s why Sid said he thought you were looking at him funny, like you were afraid of him?”

“It took me days to get it through to my brain that he was really there, that I wasn’t still hallucinating.  Even after I stopped taking the medicine, my brain was still fucked up over what was real and what wasn’t.”

Jamie jerked out of Kris’ arms, a look of panic on his face.

“Oh god!  You can’t tell him any of this, Tanger.  You can’t.”  Jamie sobs.

“Jamie, he needs to know.  He can help you deal with all this.  Like with the concussion and the headaches.”

“No!  He can’t know.  You didn’t see his face.  He asked me.  He asked if I tried to kill myself because of him, because we had broken up.  His face.  Oh god, he was so hurt.  The pain in his eyes.  No.  You can’t tell him.  You can’t tell him about anything.  Not the depression.  Not that it was because of him, because I was seeing him, hearing his voice.  Nothing.  Promise me.  You have to promise me.”

Jamie is becoming increasingly agitated, sobbing through his pleas to Kris.

“Jamie, this isn’t good for you or Sid for you not to tell him, to keep this bottled up.”

“No!  I mean it, Tanger!  No one can know.  No one.  You can’t tell anyone, but especially Sid.  I’m seeing a counselor, talking to her about it.  It’s okay.  I’m dealing with it and things between Sid and I are good.  I’m telling you, it’ll only hurt him and fuck things up.  Please.  Promise me.”

“Okay, I promise.  But if you won’t let him help you, will you let me?  I mean, talking to a counselor is okay, but if you need someone, when we’re on the road or any time.  You come to me if you need to, if you think you are ever going to do anything like that ever again.  You find me.  Okay?”

Jamie sniffles a few times, then nods.  He lets Kris draw him back into a hug. 

“Thank you.”

As Jamie’s sobs subside, Kris gets him to lay down on the bed, then he stretches out next to Jamie.  Jamie rolls onto his side, with his back to Kris, who spoons up behind Jamie.  Kris wraps his arms around Jamie, pulling Jamie in tight against his chest and holding him until he falls asleep.  It isn’t long after Jamie is asleep that Kris dozes off as well.

They wake to Alex pounding on the door yelling for Uncle Jamie to come to breakfast.


	19. An Angel... I Mean Asshole... To Watch Over Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tanger?”
> 
> “Jamie?”
> 
> “Thank you.”
> 
> “For what?”
> 
> “Today. Thank you for being a pushy asshole.”
> 
> “You know I wouldn’t have told Sid anything.” At least not yet, Kris thinks. “I just want to be here to help you.”
> 
> “I know. If I had to get stuck with one of you assholes watching over me, I’m glad it’s you and not Flower.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is August 1... so... Happy Birthday, Baby Boy....  
> in honor of that... should have another chapter up later today as well....

Late morning, they take the train from Montreal to Ottawa to watch Canada play the USA that night.  Alex and Jamie, neither of whom have ever been on a train, are both so excited it nearly drives Kris and Catherine crazy.  Alex sits on Jamie’s lap, next to the windows, the whole trip as they point out things to each other, laughing and joking.  Alex practices his English on Jamie, while Jamie tries out some of his newly learned French-Canadian, something besides the swear words he’s picked up from Flower that is.

Kris was able to book rooms at the same hotel where Team Canada is staying, just a floor below where Sid’s room is located.  Jamie helps them carry their luggage up then heads to Sid’s room.  When he opens the door, Sid is crashed on top of the covers of one of the beds.  Jamie puts his bags on the other bed then changes into his swimsuit to go meet Kris and Alex at the pool.

When Jamie gets back to the room, Sid is already gone.  There is a wrapped present on the bed along with a card.  Jamie opens the card, which is a birthday card.  Inside is a small piece of paper with a note from Sid.

_Had this for your birthday, but didn’t give it to you then.  T didn’t want to have the only one.  It’s not Team C, but I hope you wear it tonight.  I’ll be looking for you in the stands.  Love you, S_

Jamie carefully unwraps the box and opens it.  Inside is a new 2016 away sweater, with the Pittsburgh gold.  It’s Jamie’s number 20 and the name _CROSBY_ in block letters on the back. 

When Jamie steps off the elevator to meet everyone to go to the game, Kris starts laughing. 

“Look, Sid is marking his territory.”

“Aren’t you funny.”  Jamie laughs as he scoops Alex, who is sporting a Crosby Team Canada jersey, up into his arms, “We just have good taste in sweaters, huh, little man.”

Alex giggles, “Oui, Uncle Jamie.  Go Uncle Sidney!”

Ten minutes after they are in their seats, which are actually in a suite hosted by some of the players for their families, Jamie checks Twitter.  Sure enough there are tweets everywhere of him in the sweater with a lot of comments wondering if there has been a wedding.  Jamie tweets out his own fuel for the fire.

_Jamie Marsh  @JMarsh­_20    Sept 10_

_@pensweddingwatch Who’s name to use?  Will SC be sporting an 87 Marsh sweater soon?  #lovemycaptain #Crosby20 or #Marsh87 Decisions Decisions_

Kris just shakes his head when Jamie shows it to him before posting it.

Canada beats the U.S. 2-1, which means Sid is in a really good mood.  They all go out for a late dinner, where Alex falls asleep in the booth leaning up against Jamie, before heading back to the hotel.

\---

Jamie had pretty much given up on the idea that Sidney would let him do anything without a babysitter for the foreseeable future, so his plans changed yet again.  On Sunday, Catherine and Alex travel back to Montreal while Jamie and Kris fly to Nova Scotia. 

In Cole Harbour, Jamie grabs some of his stuff and the Jeep, then he and Kris drive from there back to Pittsburgh.  As of now, Jamie plans to stay with Kris while Sid plays in the World Cup.  Sid is a little disappointed that Jamie doesn’t want to be at the tournament, but agrees that staying in Pittsburgh would be best for Jamie.  Jamie can work-out with Kris, play some pick-up games with the guys, and get to talk to his counselor every day.  Besides, Jamie promises to come for the finals if Canada makes it that far.

The drive to Pittsburgh is going really well, better than Kris expected given what Sid had told him about what it was like to travel by car with Jamie.  So far, Jamie is on his best behavior.  Of course, he is driving so he can’t really be fidgety. 

About half-way home, they switch places and Kris finds out what Sid was talking about.  Riding with Jamie is far worse than riding with Alex even.  At least he can strap Alex in a car seat.  Jamie never sat still.  Kris is about to just pull over and make him drive again, because what the hell is with the feet on the dash, or wait, the feet hanging out the window, or the playing with the radio, or turning the air conditioning on and off a hundred times, and what the hell is a fucking punch bug…

So yeah, Kris thinks about it, but for what he is planning, it is far better that he is driving and not Jamie.

They are about two hours from Pittsburgh when Kris decides it is time to have another chat with Jamie.  This one, most likely, will not go very well.

“So,” Kris wades in slowly, “you have an appointment with your counselor tomorrow, right?  What’s her name again?”

“Janet.  Yeah, at two in Cranberry.  She’s going to have an office at the center.”

“That’s good.”

Kris shifts his body, pushing himself straight up in the seat, gripping the wheel a little tighter.  Okay.  Now or never.

“You are going to tell her about the nightmares.”

“Is that a question or an order?”

“What do you think?” 

Jamie stares out the window, ignoring Kris.

“I am going with you tomorrow.”

“I’m going to keep the appointment.  You don’t have to hover.” 

Kris keeps his voice even, monotone.  “And, you are signing a release so she can talk to me about you, like you have with Sid.”

“What the fuck?  He told you that?”  Jamie also swore under his breath, something Kris couldn’t hear.  “No.  I’m not.”

“Yes.  You are.  I have decided that I need to alter the terms of our agreement.  So, you will sign it.  And tomorrow,” Kris glances over at Jamie who has turned red.  “tomorrow I am going to sit in on your session and you are going to tell her, and me, about the nightmares.”

“The fuck I am!”  Jamie clenches and unclenches his fists in his lap.  “And what do you mean altering our agreement.”

“You need help, Jamie.  I’ve thought about it, about you, the way you handle things.  It’s time for things to change.  No more hiding things.”

“Fuck you!  You can’t just make that decision for me.”

“Somebody who can think rationally about all this needs to make decisions for you.  If you won’t let that be Sid, then it’s going to be me.  What you’ve told me so far, just that little bit, I’ve gone back and looked at everything that’s happened since you got injured.  You haven’t made the best choices have you, not unless we pushed you.  So, I’m going to push.”

“What if I don’t let you?”

Kris takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly, needing to make sure he stays calm. 

“I tell Sid everything.”

“You can’t!  You fucking promised me.”

“I told you, I’m altering that part of the agreement.”

“That’s fucking blackmail, Tanger.  You can’t do this to me.”

“Look.  If I am sitting with you, I can provide support while you tell her, and you’d also only have to go through telling it once that way.  Cause, I am going to make you tell me one way or another.  Your choice.” 

“Fuck you.  You know what?  Go ahead.  Tell Sid whatever you want to tell him so he can hate me.”

Jamie folds his arms across his chest, sinks down lower into the seat, and turns his face back to the window.

\---

Tuesday afternoon, however, Kris sits in Janet’s office on the couch beside Jamie, listening as Jamie tells Janet more about his father’s suicide.  Kris’ heart aches for Jamie as he recounts the story in detail, including the image of his father from that day that has stayed with Jamie his whole life.

Jamie also tells Janet about the dream, about all of it.  While he is talking, Jamie keeps glancing over at Kris, who sits their stone faced, nonjudgmental, just listening.  Jamie will never admit it, but Kris’ presence provides a solid, comforting, anchor for him to hold on to as he opens up about the demons that haunt his dreams.

As he sits and listens, part of Kris is sorry that he is there, it is difficult to hear Jamie talk about how his father’s suicide affected him.  Jamie has been dealing with some serious shit and Kris begins to comprehend just how serious as the session continues.  The other part of Kris is glad he is there to support Jamie. 

The silence on the ride home is uncomfortable, however.  Kris wants to talk to Jamie about what Jamie told Janet, but at the same time, he thinks Jamie has already been pushed to his limit today.  Jamie stares blankly out the window.  Kris stares at the road in front of him.

When they get home, Kris says he wants to take a nap before dinner.  Jamie replies that he is going to call Sid, who should be in town with Team Canada soon.  They go off to their separate rooms. 

\---

Kris stumbles downstairs around 6 pm, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.  He figures Jamie is up and waiting to decide what they are doing for dinner since he wasn’t in the guest room.  But, Jamie isn’t downstairs, the Jeep is gone, and there isn’t any note anywhere. 

Kris tries texting Jamie and gets no reply.  Fuck, he thinks, this isn’t good.  He thinks maybe Jamie has just gone to meet up with Sid at the hotel.  He starts to text Sid, then stops, no need to worry Sid if that isn’t where Jamie went.  Kris tries to remember who is back in Pittsburgh, who would Jamie go see maybe?

He texts Dumo, Duper, Kuni, and Flower.  Nobody has heard from Jamie today, and great, now he has worried all of them.  Maybe Jamie just went back to Sid’s house, or to see Mario and Nathalie who got home yesterday, too.  Maybe.  Hopefully.  Kris grabs his car keys and heads out.

The Jeep sits in the driveway at Sid’s, well, Sid and Jamie’s house, Kris corrects.  Thank god that’s where he is, but there is still concern because Jamie hasn’t answered any of Kris’ texts, or texts from the others.  Kris uses his own key to enter the house.

“Jamie?  Are you here?”  There is always the chance he walked over to Mario’s.

Kris walks into the living room and a wave of relief washes over him.  Jamie is sitting on the couch.  Then Kris sees what is spread out on the coffee table in front of Jamie and his breath catches.

“Fuck.”

“I didn’t.” Jamie raises his head, looking squarely at Kris.

On the table are about 50 small white pills and several empty beer bottles.

“Jamie, what the fuck?  I thought you were going to come to me if you ever felt like…”

“I didn’t, Kris.  I didn’t do anything.  I just drank the beers and then I found the pills, they’re some Proventinol I still had.  I dumped them out on the table and I… I’ve just been sitting here.”

Kris sits down next to Jamie.  “Why didn’t you answer any of my texts.”

“I turned my phone off, after I talked to Sid.  I just wanted, fuck, I don’t know, I needed to be alone.  I haven’t had a lot of alone time since I got out of the hospital.  I needed to decompress after this afternoon, so I came here.  I guess I should have left a note.  Sorry.”

Kris takes out his phone to text everyone that he found Jamie and that everything is okay.  There are at least five empty beer bottles on the table, however, so Kris really isn’t sure that everything is in fact okay. 

Jamie leans forward, carefully scooping up the pills and depositing them back into a pill bottle.  Jamie hands the bottle to Kris.

“Get rid of them for me.”  Jamie sighs as he slumps back against the couch.

Kris shoves the bottle into the pocket of his khaki shorts and pats Jamie’s thigh.  “Are you okay?  Today was kind of rough.”

“I am just fucking fine.  I don’t think I’m driving anywhere though.”  Jamie turns so he’s facing Kris, tucking his legs up underneath him and resting his head on Kris’ shoulder.

“Tanger?”

“Jamie?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Today.  Thank you for being a pushy asshole.”

“You know I wouldn’t have told Sid anything.” At least not yet, Kris thinks. “I just want to be here to help you.”

“I know.  If I had to get stuck with one of you assholes watching over me, I’m glad it’s you and not Flower.”

Kris turns and looks at Jamie, who lifts his head.

“He’d try to take advantage of me, you know, cause he’s got a thing for my tight ass.”  Jamie tries to keep a straight face, but a shitty grin spreads across his mouth.

Kris gives Jamie a shove, knocking him over backwards as they both break out into laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come find me on Tumblr... http://www.penstotheend.tumblr.com/
> 
> any typos are all mine... let me know... trying to go back and proofread/fix them on all the stories... thanks much!!!!


	20. Getting Back To Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid’s cups a cheek in each hand, his thumbs sliding into the crease of Jamie’s ass, to spread Jamie open. Sid’s tongue works its way between his hands until his mouth is covering the tight, pink opening, then Sid runs his tongue around the rim several times.
> 
> “Tease.” Jamie chides. “Come on, already.”
> 
> “What if I just want to enjoy the view for a bit?”
> 
> “Fuck now. Look later.”
> 
> Sid sits back, and slaps Jamie’s ass as he moves off Jamie’s legs.

“You are drinking too much,” Kris watches Jamie grab his third beer out of the fridge before sitting back down at the kitchen table.

“Don’t start.”

“Sid and Brian both agree with me.  In fact, they said they told you the same thing in Edmonton.”

It’s Thursday night, they are at Kris’ having grilled chicken and vegetables, along with a quinoa salad that Kris made.  Jamie had been leery of trying it, but it was really good.  With a beer or two.  Or three.

“I have a few beers.  At home.  It’s not like I’m going out drinking every night.”  Not here anyway, Jamie doesn’t add.

While it hadn’t been every night, Jamie had gone out more than a few nights while he was alone in Edmonton.  He may have even discretely hooked up with some red-headed girl more than once, because he was mad a Sid, and because she’d offered to blow him in the back hallway one night.  Couldn’t risk getting caught in public, so Jamie took her home, and well, damn she gave good head.

Luckily she hadn’t wanted anything more than that and when Jamie stopped going out after just a week, she had just moved on to the next guy.  When he thought about it, and what could have happened, he realized how stupid it had been.  Maybe Kris was right about Jamie and his poor choices.

“The alcohol isn’t good for your hockey.  Trust me.  And the way you eat, the nutritionists must hate you.”

“I think I’m doing okay.  I kick your ass most of the time.”

“Most of the time.  If you ate right and worked just a little harder, you’d kick my ass all the time.”

That made Jamie pause, that statement coming from the ultimate competitor.

“You aren’t serious.” Jamie finally said.

“Give me a week.  Just one week.  You eat what I give you.  No junk.  And you work-out the way I tell you.”

“A week?”

Kris nods his head, “I make you into a beast.”

\---

Jamie thinks he’s going to die after just two days.  Every time they drive past McDonald’s, or worse, Primanti’s, Jamie looks at Kris forlornly.  Kris just smiles and says ‘one week’.

And while Jamie is used to competing with Kris during some things in their work-outs, he had never done a complete work-out with Kris before.  Oh my god, the man is not right, he has determined.  Jamie wishes he’d have kept up with his own work-outs this summer like Sid had tried to get him to do.  With all that had happened he was out-of-shape. 

By the end of the week, however, things were getting better.  Body and mind.  It shows on the ice during the pick-up games and unofficial practices.  Jamie has started getting up early and running, then they head out to Cranberry to work-out and spend time on the ice, in the afternoon Jamie meets with Janet, sometimes Kris sits in with them and sometimes he lets them talk in private.  Jamie usually ends up telling him all about those sessions over dinner anyway.

At night they watch the World Cup games, rooting for their teammates, but hoping Canada wins it all.  As it ends up, Canada makes the finals against Russia.  Of course.  Sid versus Geno on the world stage once again. 

Jamie flies to Toronto on the 26th for the best-of-three championship games, which means that he’ll miss the Pens’ first three preseason games.  Jamie thanks Rutherford and Sully profusely for allowing him to go to the finals to watch Sid in person. 

Sid is at practice when Jamie gets to the hotel, so he decides to take a shower while he waits.  Sid gets back sooner than expected, though, and Jamie is still in the shower when he hears Sid come in and yell at him.

Jamie shuts off the water, dries off, and wraps the towel around his waist before he walks out. 

Sid rummages through his bag, pulling out clothes to wear to dinner.  The team is going out one last time before the finals start the next day.  Sid looks up as Jamie walks out of the bathroom.

“Sweet Jesus.” Sid whispers.

It’s the first time he’s seen Jamie in over two weeks, since Jamie spent the night in the hotel with him after the Canada Russia game at Consol.  Jamie had lost a lot of weight over the summer, between the medication and everything that happened.  As Sid looked him up and down it was easy to see that Jamie had put most of the weight back on, all in muscle.   
  
“Working out with Kris has been good for you.  Damn, baby boy.”

Sid loved watching Jamie blush, that warm pink starting at his ears and spreading down his neck and chest.  But it was Sid who blushed even more when Jamie unceremoniously dropped the towel, turning around like a model on a runway to show off to Sid.

“Like what you see?”

Jamie kneels on the spare bed, with his ass towards Sid, wiggling it around.

“So, you got time before your team dinner?”  Jamie starts to turn around to face Sid, who is climbing across his bed.  Sid tackles Jamie, driving them down to the bed together.

“We have time.”  Sid’s mouth is attacking Jamie’s face.  Jaw.  Neck.  Shoulders.  Anywhere and everywhere he can.

“We?” Jamie questions, tipping his head back to bare his neck to Sid.

“I was told I had to bring you to dinner.”  Sid says between licks, wet kisses, and not so gentle sucks and bites.

Jamie rubs his hands up Sid’s arms, until Sid grasps Jamie’s wrists, pushes Jamie’s arms up and pins them to the bed. 

“God I’ve missed you,” Jamie moans.

“Don’t move.”

Sid gets up and goes to dig around in his bag again, then strips out of his clothes before he climbs back on the bed holding a bottle of lube.

“Roll over.”

Jamie flops over on to his stomach and Sid straddles Jamie’s legs.  Sid bends down covering Jamie with his body.  Starting with Jamie’s shoulders, Sid lets a finger trail across Jamie’s skin, his tongue lightly licking the path made by his finger.  Slowly, deliberately Sid’s tongue glides down Jamie’s spine, making Jamie shiver.

Sid stops to place a liberal amount of kisses against the small of Jamie’s back while running his hands over the swell of Jamie’s ass.

“So nice.” Sid breathes against Jamie’s back before letting his tongue work lower. 

Sid’s cups a cheek in each hand, his thumbs sliding into the crease of Jamie’s ass, to spread Jamie open.  Sid’s tongue works its way between his hands until his mouth is covering the tight, pink opening, then Sid runs his tongue around the rim several times.

“Tease.” Jamie chides.  “Come on, already.”

“What if I just want to enjoy the view for a bit?”

“Fuck now.  Look later.”

Sid sits back, and slaps Jamie’s ass as he moves off Jamie’s legs. 

“Up then.”

Jamie draws his knees up, raising his ass into the air, spreading his legs to give Sid room to get between them.  Sid opens the lube and squeezes some out on to his fingers, then rubs it over Jamie’s opening. 

Jamie pushes his hips back against Sid’s touch when Sid jams a finger into the opening.

“Fuck yeah.”  Jamie groans.

Sid jams the finger in and out, driving all the way in to the third knuckle each time.  After just a few strokes, Sid slides a second finger in next to the first.  Jamie rocks back against them, meeting each of Sid’s inward strokes, fucking himself on Sid’s fingers.

Sid uses his other hand to squeeze some lube onto his now extremely hard dick.  He tosses the bottle aside, wraps his hand around his dick and gives it a few quick strokes to spread the lube, all the while still finger-fucking Jamie.

“Come on, Sid.  Fuck me.” Jamie demands. 

Sid pulls his fingers out, watching for a moment the way Jamie’s hole puckers, searching for something to fill it back up.  Sid shifts himself closer to Jamie, lining up his dick to that opening.  Sid’s fingers dig into Jamie’s hips, pulling him back as Sid drives his own hips forward in one deep hard thrust.

“Fuck.” Jamie whines, burying his face into the pillow.

Sid pulls out and slams in a couple of times before starting a steady rhythm, his hips slamming against Jamie’s ass with each thrust forward, the sound of skin slapping against skin filling the room.

“Jesus you’re so fucking tight.”

“Harder.  That’s it.  Harder, Sid.  Come on.”

Sid’s keeps pounding into Jamie as hard and fast as he can.  Feeling himself getting close to the edge, Sid pulls out.  Jamie groans in protest until Sid taps him on the hip. 

“Over”

Jamie rolls over onto his back.  Sid, still between Jamie’s legs, hooks an arm under each of Jamie’s thighs and pushes Jamie’s legs up so that Jamie’s knees almost to his shoulders.  Sid drives his dick into Jamie again, the change in the angle of thrusts meaning he’s hitting Jamie’s prostrate with each stroke.

“Oh fuck.  Fuck. Fuck.” Jamie cries over and over, between short, choppy gasps for air.  “Harder.”

Sid is covered in a light sheen of sweat as he tries to give Jamie what he wants, his thigh muscles starting to quiver under the strain of holding him up as he drives into Jamie fast and hard. 

“You gonna cum for me, baby boy?”

“Oh god!  Yeah, Sid.  That’s it.  Fuck me.  So close, come on.”  Jamie reaches down, his hand clasping around his dick.  It doesn’t take much, just two quick strokes and Jamie shoots cum all over Sid’s chest and abs.

Jamie’s body tenses, his ass clenches around Sid and that’s all it takes.  Sid buries himself deep in Jamie as his own orgasm rocks his body.  Once he can move again, Sid thrusts a few more times before he pulls out, pulls his arms back and lets Jamie’s legs drop back down.  Sid shifts so that he drops down onto the bed next to Jamie.

“Damn, baby boy.” Sid mumbles into the bed.

Jamie playfully slaps Sid’s ass.  “Guess you did like what you saw.”

“Come on,” Sid rolls off the bed.  “Can’t just lie here, gotta shower and get downstairs to go to dinner.”

“Isn’t it early yet?”  Jamie looks, it’s only four o’clock.

“Need to be down there by five.  It’s an hour by bus to the restaurant we picked to go to tonight.”

Jamie rolls up and follows Sid into the shower where Sid gets a little distracted again and they barely make it down to catch the bus.

Over the next few days, Jamie sits in the Team Canada suite and watches Geno and Russia finally beat Sid and the Canadians, coming back to win games two and three.  Geno was beaming on the ice as Sid skated over to congratulate him.  And as disappointed as Sid was, he and Jamie stay to party with Geno, Ovi, and the rest of Team Russia.

\---

The next day Sid and Geno fly back to Pittsburgh while Jamie flies to Columbus, meeting up with the team for a preseason game scheduled for that afternoon.  Despite missing several days of practice and games, Jamie does really well working on a line with one of the rookie centers and Horny, racking up a goal and an assist.

The Pens go 4-2 in the preseason.  They open the season at home against the Capitals on October 13th.  There will be a lot of excitement surrounding the home opener as the Pens raise their Stanley Cup banner and celebrate their win with the cup one last time. 

Jamie feels better than he has in months as he looks forward to starting the season.  Under Kris’ guidance he’s put on more weight and muscle.  He started 2015-16 listed at 200 lbs, he’s starting 2016-17 listed at 220.

Mentally, Jamie is more focused on hockey than he has been since before Kyle’s death, maybe more focused than he has been his whole life.  And, while he still struggles with his depression, it is starting to not be as hard a struggle.  With Janet’s help, and Kris’ support, Jamie is working through his many issues. 

At first Sid didn’t understand when Jamie told him that he would rather Kris be his support system, Kris going to counseling with him.  Jamie explained that it was easier, but there wasn’t the close emotional attachment Kris could be pushier, maybe more brutally honest with Jamie about things. 

Sid didn’t like it, but he agreed, so Sid backed away from Jamie’s therapy, not calling to talk to Janet anymore and Kris didn’t offer any information either.  Sid just let Jamie have that part of his life to himself, and it actually made their relationship better over the week before the season was to start.


	21. Sometimes You Just Need To Take The Penalty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eight months later, when the Pens take the ice in the second game of the season, all of his teammates remember that night from February. There is no way this game is going to end well for Kesler and Silfverberg. As the teams go through warm-ups, Jamie watches as his friends all keep watching the two Ducks. Kris looks like he is plotting murder. Brian looks like he’s planning to help Kris hide the bodies. Even Phil glares at them.

The first two games of the season will test Jamie’s stability right away, and maybe set the tone for his season.  Everyone close to him is a little on edge about it.

First up are the Capitals, for the home opener no less, in a rematch of the second round of the playoffs where in game six, Jamie went to stand up on Tom Wilson and ended up in the hospital with the head injury that started his problems.  Okay, he knows that wasn’t the start, but that is the point at which Jamie’s coping mechanisms seemingly failed him.

It’s the first time Jamie has been on the ice with Tom Wilson since the hit as well.  The game is being televised on national TV and the NBC announcers are making a big deal out of the match-up.  Wilson was originally assessed a 20 game suspension for a hit to the head until Jamie had gone to the league and told them what had really happened. 

Jamie had been going to hit Wilson, was actually bringing his arm up when Wilson reacted, throwing an arm up to block Jamie’s hit.  Only Wilson’s arm caught Jamie under the chin, knocking his helmet off and knocking Jamie out.  Jamie’s head had then hit the ice.  That brought the concussion and other issues. 

Jamie stood between Sid and Kris on the ice for the National Anthem, glancing over at Wilson on the Caps’ bench several times.  As soon as the song ended, Jamie skated to the Caps’ bench instead of going to retrieve his gloves and helmet for the opening face-off. 

Jamie stopped in front of Wilson and stuck his hand out.  Wilson paused for a second before reaching out to shake Jamie’s hand.  Jamie clasped Wilson’s hand and pulled him close, leaning in to say something in Wilson’s ear.

“Glad we’re both gonna be back on the ice, Willy!”

Jamie let go of Wilson’s hand and pulled back, winking at Wilson as he skated away.  Jamie’s gesture doesn’t go unnoticed by the NBC announcers who now have nothing to make of the ‘big rivalry’. 

As they wait for the opening puck drop, Ovi stands next to Jamie.

“Willy told me what you said to him.  You good kid, Baby Penguin.”

“Thanks, Alex.”

“I’m still kick your ass tonight you know.”

“Bring it, big boy.  I owe you for some red marker that ended up on my chest in Vegas.”

“What happen in Vegas, stays in Vegas.  Besides, you know you love me.”  Ovi gives Jamie a shove.

“Fucking Russian.”  Jamie grins at him.

\---

The Pens feed off the emotion of the cup ceremony and excitement from the crowd in Consol, picking up where they left off at the end of last season with a dominating win over the Caps, 5-1.  Sid has two goals, both off feeds from Jamie who ends up with the two assists and a goal of his own, which turns out to be the game winner.

Jamie gets first star of the game and is being interviewed by Pierre McGuire after the game.  Ovechkin stands at the end of the visitor’s bench watching the interview, smiling.  Nicky Backstrom comes up behind him.

“What is the fascination with this one, Sasha?  Why do you like him so much?”

“I don’t like when wolves prey on babies, Nicky, you know that.  Makes me want to protect them.  No place in league for that type of player.  But this one, this one is family now Nicky.  Zhenya and Sidney’s family, so he is our family too.”

Alex turns to look at Nicky.

Nicky nudges Alex’ shoulder with his own.  “Our family?” Nicky laughs.  “That is why I love you Sasha.  You have a big heart.”

\---

“We should scratch him tonight.”

Sullivan sounds adamant as he sits in his office talking to Rutherford and Sid two days later.

“After what happened in February.  I think it’s a good idea, too.”  Jim adds.

Sid shakes his head.  “Play him.”

“Sid, I deferred to your judgement on this then and he ended up falling apart on the ice.”

“I’ll admit it.  I was wrong then.  I thought we could keep him okay on the ice.  But that was then, a different situation.  He didn’t remember what had happened and when it all came back to him, that’s why he fell apart.  Now he knows.  He’s dealt with it, or is dealing with it.”

“I don’t know.  After everything this summer?  Are we sure he’d be okay?”

“They can’t shake him with anything they’d say.  He remembers what happened.  Nothing to blindside him with.  He’d only played a few games with us at that point.  I think he still felt like an outsider.  Now, he’s part of the team.  We’re family, so he knows he’s not alone out there.”

“Are you sure?”  Sullivan questions again.

“Yes.  Play him.”

\---

The Ducks.  The team that drafted Jamie.  The team he played a handful of games for before getting traded to Pittsburgh.  The team of Ryan Kesler and Jakob Silfverberg.  The team Jamie hated.  The players all of the Pens had come to hate.

Kesler and Silfverberg had taken advantage of Jamie with what they called a simple hazing incident.  What it had actually been was a sexual assault.  For a couple of months after the incident, however, Jamie couldn’t remember what exactly had happened.  He couldn’t be sure he hadn’t consented to everything, just as Kesler had told the Ducks’ management. 

That had changed back in February, when the Pens had played the Ducks at Consol.  Silfverberg had made some comments, jokes, with Phil Kessel that had put some doubt in Jamie’s mind about what happened.  He’d shaken it off and was doing okay until Kesler had him against the boards and was saying things about that night.  All of the memories had come flooding back all at once, overwhelming Jamie. 

The meltdown on the ice was followed by a meltdown in the hallway after the game when Phil, his teammate who should have had his back, instead made a joke about one of Silfverberg’s comments.  Jamie had ‘gone crazy’ as Phil described it, attacking Phil.  When Dumes and Knuckles tried to pull Jamie off Phil they ended up pinning Jamie to the ground and well, that was when the meltdown really hit.

That was the night the rest of the team learned that something had happened in Anaheim.  Over the next week, one by one, they had all learned the details and that Jamie didn’t want anything done about the assault. 

Eight months later, when the Pens take the ice in the second game of the season, all of his teammates remember that night from February.  There is no way this game is going to end well for Kesler and Silfverberg.  As the teams go through warm-ups, Jamie watches as his friends all keep watching the two Ducks.  Kris looks like he is plotting murder.  Brian looks like he’s planning to help Kris hide the bodies.  Even Phil glares at them.

When they go back in the locker room, Jamie and Sullivan stand in the middle of the room and get everyone’s attention.  The only ones in the room are the coaches and players.  No other staff.  No media.  No cameras.

“I am going to make this absolutely clear to everyone of you.  If anyone takes a penalty for hitting, fighting or otherwise hurting either one of them, it’s a $1000 fine to the charity of Jamie’s choice.  I do not, I repeat, I DO NOT want any of you to go after them.  And neither does Jamie.”  Sullivan looks directly at Kris first and then Brian.  “Is that clear?”

\---

The first period is uneventful other than Brian makes good on the promise he made to Jamie in February to hit Kesler and Silfverberg every chance he got, all legal checks of course.  Kris manages to get in a few hits, too, without taking any penalties.  Each time one of his teammates checks either of the Ducks, the hit is accompanied by the words ‘that’s for Jamie.’

Jamie and Hags have let the others in on the favorite chirp of other Western Conference teams when playing the Ducks, as well.  Every time one of the Pens skates past the bench during a break Bob Errey, broadcasting from between the benches, hears it.  Fuck the Ducks.  As Jamie skates by during a TV time out, Bob gives him a thumbs up.

The second period goes pretty much the same way, everyone behaving themselves.  No illegal hits.  No fights.  Just good, hard hockey. 

Five minutes into the period, Jamie finds himself on the ice with Kesler.  One of the Ducks dumps the puck towards the Pens’ zone from deep in the Ducks’ zone.  Jamie, playing back on the blueline because Kris is down by the net, gives chase.  He should have no problem winning the race to the puck which will bring on an icing call. 

Sullivan even comments to Tocchet that they will get the icing.

The Duck racing for the puck, however, is Ryan Kesler.  He’s a stride ahead of Jamie coming off the blueline.  They all know Jamie’s going to win this race.  He should easily overtake Kesler within a couple of strides.  But Jamie doesn’t close the gap, instead dropping two, then three strides behind. 

Sullivan starts smiling when he grasps what is happening.  The players on the bench see what is unfolding and start to roar their approval.

Jamie watches the official, waiting until he’s sure that the icing is being waved off before shifting gears, increasing his speed in just a couple of strides.  He brings his arms up in front of his chest and braces for the hit.  Just as Kesler’s stick touches puck Jamie slams into him full force, his momentum lifting them both off the ice and into the boards.  Jamie manages to come down on his skates and keep his footing as Kesler slumps to the ice.

Kesler looks dazed as he desperately tries to catch his breath.

“Fuck you!” Jamie says, leaning over Kesler.

The official blows his whistle and raises his hand.

“You’re gone 20!  Boarding and a hit to the back.”

Jamie is grinning the whole way to the bench and down the runway, getting a standing ovation from his teammates who are banging their sticks on the boards and ice.  Sullivan watches Jamie from the other end of the bench with a huge grin on his face.

“Okay, boys.  Let’s kill this penalty.” 

\---

Sid is a little surprised that Sullivan doesn’t ream Jamie out for the hit and for getting ejected.  Sullivan doesn’t even say anything to Sid indicating that Sid was wrong about letting Jamie play.  Maybe it is because the Pens won the game, getting a shut-out even.  On the drive home, Jamie is still smiling, so Sid asks him about the hit.

“So, since you took the penalties, including a five-minute major, are you going to make a charitable donation?”

“Yep.  Giving $1000 to the humane society.  Worth every cent.”

“Right.  Sully didn’t even seem too upset by it either.  Not even after his lecture warning all of us not to retaliate against them.”

“The warning was for you guys,” Jamie turns towards Sid, “not me.”

“What?”

“Sully’s exact words before the game ‘some times you just need to take the penalty, so if you get the chance hit that fucker, we’ll kill it’.  I just needed to wait for the right opportunity to slam that asshole.”

Sid giggles, “You’re likely to get a suspension for it.”

“You think so?  I think I get a free pass for hitting the asshole who assaulted me.  I just wish I’d have gotten another hit in on Silfverberg, too.”

The next day NHL Player Safety announce that they reviewed the hit and determined that the game misconduct was sufficient penalty for the hit.

Sid just shakes his head as Jamie gloats all day after the announcement is made.

\---

The first two games do indeed set the tone for Jamie and the team.  The Pens go 7 – 2 in October.  Their two loses coming against the Preds in Nashville and the Panthers at Consol.  Sid is named first star for the month as he leads the league in goals.  What makes Sid even prouder is that Jamie, leading the league in points, is named the second star.

\---

At the beginning of the season, the players had noticed several new reporters at media day.  One had become particularly annoying during locker room interviews during the next few weeks.  His questions are, well, odd?  The guys mention it to Jen a few times.  It’s like the guy knows nothing about hockey. 

Jen tells them that his credentials are for the online site Sportsnet and that he’s new to covering hockey.  She tells them his name is John Camden, asking them to give Camden a break until he gets more familiar with the game.  The name sounds familiar to Jamie for some reason, but he can’t put his finger on from where. 

After the morning skate before the Islanders’ game, Camden asks Jamie a question about his relationship with Sid.  Jamie just ignores it and turns to Potash for another question.  When the guy asks a similar question after the game that night, Jamie goes to Jen and complains. 

Jen pulls Camden off to the side and goes over the locker room rules again, reiterating that questions about the players’ personal lives are not permitted and that this is his first warning.  Future complaints could bring a suspension or revocation of his press credentials. 

On Halloween, the team leaves for a three game west coast trip.  They’ll be in Los Angeles for three days, a practice day and then games against the Ducks and Kings, before flying up to San Jose for a game against the Sharks.

On the flight out Jamie spends some time reading Camden’s articles on Sportsnet.  The writing is really bad.  Jamie reads a couple to Brian, both of them laughing over how Camden describes some of the hockey plays.  Then Jamie decides to just Google Camden.

“Holy fuck.  That’s how I know his name.”

“What’s that, Fluff?  How do you know whose name?”

“Camden.  That fucker writes for Deadspin.”

“No way.  And okay, you don’t read the shit on that site do you?  That’s really not a good thing.”

“I read a bunch last spring.  When I was out during the playoffs.  Fuck.  I wonder if Jen knows.”

Jamie sends a text to Jen who quickly replies back.  Yes, she knows, but he says he no longer writes for them since he went to work for Sportsnet.  She tells Jamie they’ll discuss it when they get to LA.  Jen pulls Jamie aside after they land.

“None of the things he wrote for Deadspin dealt with hockey or the Pens, Jamie.  We can’t deny him press credentials unless he’s done something wrong against us and while his writing may have been in poor taste with them, he didn’t write anything that wasn’t based on fact.  Which really surprised me.”

“Just the fact he wrote for them should keep him out of the locker room.”  Jamie isn’t happy.

“He’s been warned about the media rules, Jamie.  Give him a chance.”

Jamie reluctantly agrees to give the guy the benefit of the doubt for now.  After all, other than thinking the guy is a little weird, none of the other players have had any issues with Camden.


	22. Is It Really Bad Juju If Someone Else Gets Hurt?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fuck.” Kris chuckles. “Bad juju is right.”
> 
> “Oh wait,” Flower looks somber, which tells Kris something, “it gets worse.”
> 
> “Washington. Game six.” Sid says looking over at Brian and Jamie. 
> 
> Kris grimaces. “What the fuck were they thinking then?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday, Sid... and what do I post... Jamie and Dumes... go figure...

The Pens march into November as strong as they were in October, decisively taking the first two games in their west coast trip. 

Surprisingly, Kesler was a healthy scratch in the Pens game against Anaheim and Jamie somehow never got matched up on the ice against Silfverberg.  Sid had to admit he was a little disappointed that he didn’t get to see Jamie slam Silfverberg into the boards, too.  Jamie’s just thankful they won’t be playing the Ducks again this season unless Anaheim makes it to the Cup Finals.

On the last day of the road trip, Jamie and Brian get up early to run along the river in San Jose because they had really enjoyed doing that during the cup finals.  When they get back to the hotel, Jamie goes back to Brian’s room instead of going back to his own room.  Actually, it’s Sid’s room, too, the team not having to worry about appearances agreed that they didn’t need to get two rooms for Sid and Jamie any longer. 

They are no sooner in the room than Jamie is stripping out of his clothes, kicking his running shoes across the room in the process.

“What are you doing?”  Brian stands just inside the door staring.

“It is time for you to uphold your duty as a fuck buddy, Dumes.”

“And what if I don’t want to?” 

It’s an idle threat, Brian can feel himself getting hard as he watches Jamie bend over and shimmy out of his shorts.  Jesus, he thinks, that ass has to be almost as nice as Sid’s.  Almost, he chuckles to himself.

Jamie looks over his shoulder, feigning a hurt look. 

“Come on Dumes.  Sid has reinstated his stupid no sex on game day rule.”

“That’s got to just about be killing you.” 

Brian casually strolls over to Jamie, still not taking off his clothes.  Jamie turns and sits on the edge of the bed, reaching out to grab Brian’s hips and pull him forward.

“That would be why you will be indulging me today, Dumes.”  Jamie skims his lips over the fabric of Brian’s shorts, admiring the outline of his erection.  “I can see that is going to be a real hardship for you.”

“So, last season, why did he break the rule anyway.  I mean, I know Flower says it’s bad juju, so I can’t imagine Sid ever breaking that rule.”  Brian runs his fingers through Jamie’s hair.

“Mmmm,” Jamie has his face pressed against Brian.  “He says I tricked him.”

“How exactly do you trick someone in to having sex?  Especially Sid?” 

Jamie hooks his fingers in the waistband of Brian’s shorts and jock strap, then pulls them down.  Brian steadies himself with a hand on Jamie’s shoulder as he steps out of his shorts and jock.  Brian peels out of his t-shirt.

“Okay, so maybe not tricked.  That’s his word.  More like I tormented him until he couldn’t resist.  I like to say it was a game and I, of course, won.”

Jamie grabs a handful of ass, licking at the tip of Brian’s dick, looking up at Brian through his lashes.

“So what was your game?” 

“When we got home from morning skate I walked around the house naked.”

Jamie takes the head of Brian’s dick into his mouth and gives it a gentle suck, releasing it with a slurp.

“I ran the vacuum.  Naked.”

He kisses the shaft, just below the head.

“I sat and played my guitar.  Naked.”

He trails kisses down the entire length.

“I did the dishes.  Naked.”

He kisses around the base before pressing his mouth against Brian’s balls, breathing in the musky, sweaty smell. 

“God I love sweaty balls.”

“I think you’re sick, but whatever.  Back to the game.  When did he give in?”  Brian bites his bottom lip when Jamie uses his cheek to push Brian’s dick up and against Brian’s lower abdomen.

“When I bent over to load the dishwasher.  Cause well.  I was, um…”  Jamie cups Brian’s balls in his hand, licking and sucking first one side then the other, causing a small moan to escape Brian’s lips.

“Jesus, Fluff.  Keep it up and I’m just gonna cum against your face.”  Brian really doesn’t think that’s what Jamie is looking for this morning, however.

“And you were what?”  It’s not like Jamie to be shy talking about sex.

“I, uh, may have had something, um, already in my ass.”  Jamie pulls back and looks up at Brian again, taking in the dumbfounded look on Brian’s face. 

Brian comes out of his daze when Jamie pushes Brian’s hips away, “you got stuff?”

“Um yeah.  Yeah.”

Brian retrieves some lube and a condom then comes back to the bed where Jamie is waiting on his knees, head and chest against the bed.  Jamie is reaching back with both hands, spreading his ass open. 

Brian kneels behind Jamie, rolls the condom onto his dick.  After he pours some lube onto his dick, Brian squeezes some lube into the crease of Jamie’s ass.

“So, uh, what exactly did you, um,” Brian rubs the head of his dick through the lube, spreading it over Jamie’s hole.

“I don’t think I should tell you yet,” Jamie says, not letting Brian finish his question.

Brian smirks.  This is a game also, he’s figured out.  Brian pushes the head of his dick against Jamie, slowly pressing it in.

“Fuck,” Jamie jerks when the head slips past the tight rim. 

Brian would ask if Jamie’s okay, but they’ve done this enough that he knows Jamie will say something if it’s not.  Also, Jamie’s ass pressing back onto Brian is another clue that this is all okay.

“Jesus, you’re so fucking tight.”  Brian slides in, inch by inch until he’s balls deep, his hips up tight against Jamie’s ass.

“Fuck.  Come on, Dumes.”

Brian rocks his hips back, sliding out slowly, just part way, then rocking back into Jamie.  When he’s in deep again, Brian grinds his hips against Jamie.  Letting the subtle movement work his dick against Jamie’s prostrate.

“Oh fuck.”  Jamie groans, his body twitching with the sensations Brian is causing.

“So.  You gonna tell me yet,” Brian starts to slowly fuck in and out.  Rocking his hips steady.

“Nope,” Jamie grits his teeth, “not until you give me what I want.”

Brian grabs Jamie’s hips and pulls them back just as he thrusts in hard.  “Come on, Fluff.  Tell me while you can still think to talk.”

Jamie snorts at that.  “You think you’re that good?”

Brian quickens the pace of his thrusts, and the intensity, hammering into Jamie’s ass.  Hard.  Fast.  Deep.

“Fuck.”  Jamie rocks back to meet Brian’s thrusts.  “I… had… oh fuck… I had a plug in my ass…”

“Yeah.  I’m guessing Sid liked that when he saw it.”  Brian’s breathing a little hard, trying to give Jamie what Jamie likes.  Keeping up a steady pounding into that tight ass.

“It… oh fuck, Dumes… it wasn’t just any plug…”  Jamie buries his face into the pillow, swearing a few more times before lifting his head again, “it was a vibrating plug.” He rushes out in one breath. 

Brian’s hips stutter at that, because while he was anticipating the plug comment, the fact that it was a vibrating one was something new.  “Jesus.”

“Uh huh… a… oh fuck… a remote… fuck… control… oh fuck… come on Dumes… vibrating plug…”

Brian is about ready to lose it, “Fluff, you close?”

Jamie reaches down and grabs his own dick, using short, fast strokes, working it in his hand.

“So… I stand back up… and… fuck… walk to Sid who is standing there… with his mouth open… and… oh fuck…”  Jamie strokes faster, talking between hitched breaths.  “I hand him… the fucking remote… and walk upstairs…”

“Oh fuck, Fluff, that’s it.” 

That drives Brian right over the edge.  He slams his dick in hard and deep as his orgasm hits him.  It’s only a minute later that Jamie is cumming as well, shooting streams of thick white fluid into his hand.

The two of them collapse onto the bed, Brian half on top of Jamie, both breathing fast.

“Oh my god, Fluff.”

“So.  I only get three steps up the stairs and my ass starts vibrating.  And,” Jamie turns his head to look at Brian beside him. “that is how I tricked Sid into having sex on a game day.”

\---

They manage to grab an hour of sleep before Jamie has to go back to his room to get a shower before breakfast, where they opt to sit with the younger guys for a change.  Sid just shakes his head when he sits down with the guys.

“Does he have?”

“Yes, Flower.  He has his look on this morning.  No, Flower.  I have still not given in on that rule this season.”  Sid sips at his coffee. 

“Don’t they understand that it’s bad juju?  Haven’t they learned yet?  Well, at least for them to do it?”

Kris pauses at that, his fork full of food hanging in his hand, halfway to his mouth.  “What?”

“Detroit.”  Flower says and nods at Sid.

“Dumo gets a concussion.  Misses several games.”  Sid responds.

“Philadelphia.”  Flower says next.

“Jamie jams his finger.  Luckily he doesn’t miss any games.”

“New York.”  Flower goes on.

“Dumo again.  Bruise to his hip.  Doesn’t miss a game though.”

Kris shakes his head, “I get the picture.  You’re sure they did it all those times?”

Sid nods.

“Fuck.”  Kris chuckles.  “Bad juju is right.”

“Oh wait,” Flower looks somber, which tells Kris something, “it gets worse.”

“Washington.  Game six.” Sid says looking over at Brian and Jamie. 

Kris grimaces.  “What the fuck were they thinking then?”

\---

The Pens beat the Sharks handily, 3-0 with Flower getting his second shut-out of the season in just the first 12 games.  Jamie has an assist on a power play goal by Geno.  Sid doesn’t get a goal or an assist.  He does get a black eye.

Flower:  _So again I ask the Grasshoppers what they have learned after last night?_

Jamie:  _Sex on game day is bad juju._

Dumes:  _Very bad evidently._

Kris:  _You should both feel very bad!  Very very bad!_

Sid:  _They don’t.  They couldn’t quit laughing last night._

Jamie:  _I said I was sorry.  Geez._

Dumes:  _Yeah.  Me too._

Kuni:  _I’m still not sure what even happened._

Jamie:  _What happened is that Sid’s short._

Geno:  _Sid’s head just get in way of Marshmallow fist.  Was accident._

Jamie:  _Yeah.  Accident.  Thanks G._

Sid:  _I’m not short.  And I don’t know how you assholes break the rule and I end up hurt.  Something’s wrong with this._

Flower:  _Maybe G is right.  It was an accident.  Since Jamie & Dumo didn’t get hurt, not bad juju this time._

Sid:  _Don’t encourage them._

The game the night before had been extremely physical, which was to be expected given the intensity of the playoffs last season. Logan Couture had been chirping at Jamie right from the opening puck drop, and Jamie, naturally, was giving back as good as he was getting.  Mostly Couture was still squawking about Sid cheating at face-offs. 

That was the way it had gone, until there were about six minutes left in the game.

Jamie went after a puck that Schultzy chipped into the Sharks’ zone.  Couture, close behind, extended his stick towards Jamie, getting it between his skates.  Jamie went down to the ice and the official blew the whistle.

Couture skated by as Jamie got up.

“Fucking fags deserve each other.  Crosby teach you to dive like that?”

“What the fuck?”  Jamie shook his gloves off, going for Couture, grabbing him and shoving Couture against the boards. 

It didn’t take much for it to turn into a mêlée between several players from each side.  Sid, who’d actually heard Couture’s comment, was trying to get between Couture and Jamie.  Kris was in Burns’ face, of all people.  Horny had a hold on Donskoi.  Dumes was trying to grab Marleau who was crowded up against Jamie.  In the mix, somehow, Sid’s helmet got tipped up.

Jamie got his right hand free and drew back to hit Couture, who moved at the last minute causing Jamie’s fist to glance off and hit… Sid. 

So now Sid sits on the plane back to Pittsburgh, with a black eye. 

\---

When they get home, Jamie carries their bags into the house, sitting them down in the living room.  Sid drops onto the couch, letting his head fall back against the cushions, his eyes closed.

“I really am sorry.”

“It’s alright.  Don’t worry about it.”

“I can make it up to you.”  Jamie sits down next to Sid.

“That’s okay.  Why don’t you just take the bags upstairs.”

“What was I supposed to do?  Just let him make a comment like that?”

“Yes.  There are going to be guys that say shit just to see if they can get to you, Jamie.  You need to learn to ignore it.  Just like all the stories that have been written.  Ignore them.”

“Easier said than done.”  Jamie runs his hand lightly over Sid’s cheek.  “Want me to get you some ice?”

“No.  It’s okay.”  Sid sits up and leans over to give Jamie a kiss.  “Good thing I love you.  Maybe I need to give in on the game day sex again.  I mean, nothing bad happened when it was you and I, right, we won a bunch of games even.”

“Yeah?  And what about non-game days?”  Jamie waggles his eyebrows.  “I’m feeling hungry, Sid.”

“Insatiable, baby boy.” 

Sid stands up and then pulls Jamie up off the couch, leading him upstairs.


	23. We Have Ourselves A Hockey Player

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid knows there is a reason for this change in Jamie. He won’t call it a transformation, because the core of it was there last spring when Jamie came to the Pens. No, this is more of a refinement, a fine tuning, of what Jamie had been. And it was due in no small part to three people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, from watching comments on other fics and Tumblr, I have come to realize people like or need tags and warnings... not always sure about that, though. 
> 
> Patrick Kane is mentioned in this chapter, HE IS NOT A CHARACTER IN THIS WORK... but he did have a consecutive streak last season that ties in to my story and I would imagine he would be in the points race again this season... so I mention him. If that is a problem for anyone, I'm sorry...

When the Pens started the 2015-16 season they were expected to be an offensive powerhouse, what with Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Phil Kessel on the roster.  For whatever reason, player slumps, injuries, discourse in the locker room, or a coach who tried to make them play a style of hockey that they weren’t meant to play, the Pens didn’t get off to the start everyone expected. 

Then came Mike Sullivan, who was evidently what the Pens needed.  His philosophy was simple.  His game strategy was simple.  Play as a team.  The stars don’t need to do it all.  Have four solid, strong lines.  Have a strong defense that can also move the puck and join the rush when opportunities present themselves.  Simple.  Just play.  Play our game.  Play fast.  Play hard.  Keep emotions in check.  Play one game at a time.

The players bought into that philosophy.  The outcome, the Stanley Cup.  The Pens ended last season as the hottest team in the league.  That carried through to the playoffs, and two months into the current season, the Pens were still riding that high, right to the top of the Metropolitan Division. 

The Pens end up going 10-3-1 in November, taking their record to 17-5-1 on the season, second in the league only to the Dallas Stars who go 19-4-1.  The Pens have outscored their opponents 68 to 42, showing the offensive power everyone had predicted for last season.  The Pens have yet to be shut out so far, also, as all four lines are producing.

On October 25th the Pens beat the Florida Panthers 3-2.  Jamie gets two assists, one on a goal by Horny and the other on a short-handed goal by Bones.  That starts the streak, which reaches 17 consecutive games with a point through the end of November.  Jamie still leads the league in overall points as well, but Jamie Benn, Patrick Kane, and Sid – in that order - are right on his heels, and Geno isn’t far behind in sixth place. 

Jamie has been racking up assists, which account for the majority of his points.  Sullivan has him playing on the top line with Sid and Horny, but he’s also been shifting with Geno at times, playing on the second power play unit and on the penalty kill.  Sid and Geno definitely benefit from playing with Jamie as their goal totals are at the top of the league, both of them in a battle with Ovi and Benn for the top spot.

\--- 

All of them keep a close reign on Jamie out on the ice, keeping him focused on the game and not the occasional comments directed at him and or Sid.  Jamie doesn’t know how Sid just ignores them, except that Sid’s heard those types of comments his whole career.  While most of the players across the league show support and encouragement, there are a few who can’t or won’t accept a same-sex couple.  So, more comments come.  Some from expected sources.  Some from unexpected sources. 

And sometimes you don’t get the comment you expect.  When the Pens played the Habs back in October, Andrew Shaw, known for using ‘faggot’ while in the penalty box when he played for the Blackhawks, came up and offered his congratulations and support.  Sid had even warned Jamie to not take anything Shaw might say personally.  Evidently his former captain had a chat with Shawzy, Sid found out when he texted Toews later.

Sullivan, skeptical about Jamie when the Pens acquired Jamie from the Ducks, saw glimpses of the player Mario thought Jamie could be during the final months of last season and then in the playoffs, at least before Jamie got hurt.  Sullivan had been concerned all summer as Jamie struggled with the post-concussion symptoms. 

Then, after the incident in Edmonton, Sullivan was ready to write Jamie’s season off, half expecting him to be assigned to Wilkes-Barre/Scranton at the end of training camp.  But Jamie had come in to the second week of training camp a changed kid almost, showing the confidence and maturity level that had impressed professional scouts. 

This was the Jamie Marsh whose dad had always moved him up to the next level as soon as Jamie was eligible.  This was the Jamie Marsh who, while usually being the youngest on the team, most often led his team in goals and points.  This was the Jamie Marsh who led his WHL team to a league championship and the Memorial Cup as a 16-year-old in his first season with the Oil Kings.  This was the Jamie Marsh before the death of his best friend.  Before the death of his parents.  Before the incident in Anaheim.  Before the concussion.

No.  This Jamie Marsh was even better than he was two years ago.  This was the hockey player Mario knew Bill Marsh’s kid could be if given a chance.

At 17 games, the media have taken notice, particularly since Jamie is just nine games away from tying Patrick Kane’s 26 game streak from the previous season, the longest by an American born player.  That little fact had been a serious point of discussion by the NBC announcers covering the game against the Islanders on November 30th.  

After Jamie got an assist in the third period to extend the streak, Pierre McGuire had made the comment that Jamie could set a new record for American born players if the streak continued for ten more games.  Eddie Olczyk had said that Jamie was Canadian, not American.

That led to some heated debate as the two of them tried to research that fact.  Everything they found online listed Jamie as being from Edmonton, although it was never listed as his place of birth.  It wasn’t until Pierre interviewed Jamie after the game that the truth was revealed.  Yes, Jamie noted, he was Canadian, becoming a citizen through adoption when he was eight.  Eddie had gloated a little at that, until Jamie said that he was, however, an American born player, having been born in St. Cloud, Minnesota and living there until he was three-years-old. 

\---

Sid, along with Sullivan and Mario, as well as most of the team, keeps a wary eye on Jamie, almost as if they are waiting for him to break under the added stress of a points streak.  Jamie isn’t buckling under any pressure, however, far from that.  Jamie is thriving. 

From what Jamie has told Sid about his life, this may be the first time that Jamie has really buckled down and focused on his overall game, including his physical conditioning and nutrition.  Jamie’s dad had always thought that if Jamie had a weakness, it was his dedication and drive.  The natural talent was there, the competitiveness, but there was also something there that always held Jamie back from doing what he should be doing to get to the NHL. 

While Jamie loved hockey and knew he wanted to play in the NHL, Jamie had never been in a rush to get there.  His dad had urged Jamie more than once to leave the Edmonton area to play at more competitive levels.  Jamie never would, opting instead to play in local leagues.  Bill had been ecstatic when Jamie was picked up by Edmonton without having to be drafted into the WHL.  Being in a draft might have meant getting picked up by a team other than the Oil Kings, which would have meant moving. 

Jamie kept telling his dad that he’d get to the NHL at some point, and not by conventional routes.  In fact, Jamie never played for the Canadian national team, even though he got an offer.  Jamie didn’t attend any developmental camps or the NHL combine.  Jamie really didn’t even think that he would get drafted in his first year of eligibility so he didn’t attend the draft at all.  Then, even after being drafted, he didn’t attend the Ducks developmental camp, getting a waiver because he was still dealing with the loss of his parents he said.  The Ducks wanted Jamie, so they made the concession. 

\---

Sid knows there is a reason for this change in Jamie.  He won’t call it a transformation, because the core of it was there last spring when Jamie came to the Pens.  No, this is more of a refinement, a fine tuning, of what Jamie had been.  And it was due in no small part to three people.

First, Jamie has Janet.

The Pens quickly realized that putting Janet on staff to work with Jamie was a very wise move.  If you are going to invest $700,000 in a player, you’d better be willing to spend money to make sure he was healthy, physically and mentally.  It’s just smart business. 

Jamie talks to Janet every day.  Starting with the west coast trip at the beginning of November, Janet starts traveling with the team.

On days when they are in Pittsburgh and just have practice scheduled at Cranberry, Jamie gets up at his usual time and runs to the training center, where he meets with Janet before practice.  Sid brings Jamie a change of clothes and whatever else he packs in a backpack, then after practice they drive home together. 

Janet is the one who gets Jamie to talk more about the loss of his biological parents.  She is the one to note that Jamie’s attachment to the Marshes and unwillingness to leave Edmonton, even to advance his hockey career, was probably due to that traumatic loss at such an early age which caused separation anxiety for Jamie.  Janet is sure that this anxiety also contributed to what happened in Edmonton.

While Sid agreed that he wouldn’t talk to Janet about Jamie any longer once Kris stepped in, he still wasn’t happy about it.  Jamie didn’t talk to him about his sessions with Janet, saying that it was just better that way.  His life with Sid wasn’t really a part of it, Jamie told Sid, or more accurately lied to Sid, because in addition to his past, Jamie spent a lot of time talking to Janet about his present. 

Second, Jamie has Brian.

Sid amazes at the amount of energy Jamie has, which seems to only have increased with better nutrition and his increased conditioning.  Sid is sure Jamie can out energize the energizer bunny.  Add to that the fact that Jamie is 19, with teenage hormones, and an intense liking of sex.  It’s not like Sid doesn’t like sex, he does, but he’s sure that Jamie would have sex 24 hours a day if he could figure out a way.

Those two things, Jamie’s energy level and want for sex, had been a source of stress for Sid who had always adhered to some very strict rules regarding sex and hockey.  The two most important rules were no sex on game days and no sex during the playoffs, period.  Last season, Jamie had gotten Sid to break both those rules.

Having sex on game days, well having sex EVERYDAY, sometimes more than once a day, had started to take a toll on Sid mentally and physically towards the end of the regular season last spring.  The solution had been to find Jamie a friend with benefits on the team, a fuck buddy to put it bluntly.  That had led to Jamie hooking up with the Brian, who aside from Sid was Jamie’s best friend on the team.

At first Sid wasn’t sure about Jamie hooking up with someone else, but he also had a concern that Jamie, being 18 at the time would feel like he was missing out on life by being with Sid.  Sid was at a point in his life where he was ready to settle down with one person and start a family.  Until he met Jamie, though, he had never found the right person with whom to do that. 

He and Jamie had talked about it many times, including after the black eye incident.  Jamie told Sid that maybe he shouldn’t hook up with Brian any more, that it would be okay, he’d just find some other way to deal with his pent up energy.  That was what Jamie had said last spring as well.  But having Brian had been good for Jamie, and Sid.  Sid didn’t worry about Jamie going out and finding someone else, because Jamie had Brian.  And despite their growing friendship, which Sid saw as equaling his own friendships with Flower, Kris, and Geno, the sex between Jamie and Brian was just that… sex.  Brian had a girlfriend, which had been an off and on relationship, but had been on again since just before the end of the season.

Brian had continued to hook-up with Jamie though, until Jamie got hurt anyway, because he thought Jamie needed him.  Brian had laughed recently about feeling like a stud service when Jamie invited him to Edmonton, but Brian had gone none-the-less.  And Brian would always come when Jamie called.  It was what it was.

So when Jamie asked Sid about not being fuck buddies with Brian any longer if it bothered Sid, Sid had told him that it was all okay.  Besides, Sid thought, he still had his own friend with benefits.  And that led Sid’s thoughts to Jamie’s third person in his support system.

Kris.

Jamie and Kris had gotten much closer since August.  Kris had done what Sid, Alex Trinca, and the team’s nutritionists said couldn’t be done.  Namely, he had gotten Jamie to give up junk food and actually follow a nutrition plan, an adapted version of Kris’ plan.

Kris gave Jamie an extensive list of approved foods.  As long as it was on the list, Kris told Jamie he could eat as much of anything that he wanted.  After three months, the end result was that Jamie had put on weight for the first time in his career, and was managing to carry that weight through the first part of the season. 

Sid watched in wonder and awe at how much Jamie ate.  Steak or steak and eggs for breakfast, along with something whole grain and fruits.  Lots of chicken, fish, and more steak at other meals.  All the fresh fruit and vegetables Jamie wanted.  Whole grain pasta and bread was allowed and Jamie had found a little bakery that special made things for him without processed flours and sugars. 

Jesus, Kris even had him drinking protein shakes and other cleansing juices.  It was lucky that Jamie was making the kind of money, and well, Sid was too obviously, that allowed him to eat this way.  Kris had consented to Jamie having coffee, which Kris didn’t, and having unsweetened almond milk instead of regular milk or soy milk.  At least the almond milk didn’t have sugars.

As for exercising and conditioning, Kris and Jamie had taken their workouts too another level.  Video snippets of their workout competitions had become legendary on Instagram and Twitter.  Jamie had often bested Kris before, but now it was becoming a frequent occurrence.  Kris had been right; he’d made Jamie into a beast.

Jamie also leaned on Kris for a lot of emotional support.  As with Janet, Jamie spent time every day talking with Kris.  On road trips, Jamie would go to Kris’ room in the evenings for a bit.  During games Kris would often stand next to Jamie talking in to his ear quietly so that only Jamie could hear what was being said, or he would manage to sit next to Jamie on the bench, just leaning into him to provide a steadying presence. 

And Sid may be a little jealous of that, which confuses him since he isn’t jealous of Jamie having Brian as a fuck buddy.  You would think that Jamie fucking somebody else would be more of an issue, but for some reason it wasn’t.  But a pang of jealousy hit Sid every time Jamie left to go to Kris’ room on the road, or when he’d see Kris and Jamie sitting in a training room talking, Kris always leaning in close to Jamie, or when he’d see Jamie leaning against Kris on the bench during a game.

Sid knew he shouldn’t be jealous.  Kris was helping Jamie, providing support, nothing more.  Kris was there for Jamie just the way Kris had been there for Sid several years ago, during Sid’s concussion recovery.

It had been 2010, the year after they won their first Cup.  The year after Sid and Geno had spent the season hooking up, when Sid had fallen in love and Geno hadn’t.  Geno had pulled away from Sid that next season, had started dating a girl from Russia.  Sid had been devastated.  He had gone to Mario for support, but then came the concussion.  That is when Kris had come to Sid, quietly providing the emotional support Sid needed as the concussion problem dragged on for months.

At some point that next fall, the nature of Sid’s relationship with Kris changed.  It just kind of happened one night.  Kris came to the house after a particularly brutal loss to the Capitals.  Kris had taken several penalties, been reprimanded by the coach, and benched the entire third period.  Instead of Kris being the one providing the support, Sid had sat and held Kris while he cried, worried that he’d get sent down to the AHL because that’s what Bylsma threatened to do.

At some point there had been a kiss, soft and sweet, to Kris’ cheek.  Then Kris had turned his face to Sid and there was a kiss to his mouth.  Then there had been more.  Kris and Sid had been hooking up since then.  And it, like what Jamie has with Brian, has always just been about the sex, the stress-release, the mutual solace after a tough road game, physical touch and comfort.

For the last six years, Sid and Kris have exercised extreme discretion with regard to that aspect of their friendship.  As far as they know, none of their other friends know anything about it.  They know this because if someone knew, especially Flower, something would have been said by now.  No one has ever even hinted at it.

Maybe that is why Sid is jealous, because Kris was and is his.  Now Kris it seems is also Jamie’s.  Sid doesn’t think Kris and Jamie have hooked up at all, Kris wouldn’t do that.  He wouldn’t.  Even if he had hit on Jamie when Jamie first came to the Pens.  Even if Jamie had kissed Kris one night when Jamie may have been suffering from a mild concussion.  He wouldn’t, would he?  Jamie wouldn’t, would he?

\---

Sid forgot the one person who had really been the most instrumental in Jamie’s transformation.  Maybe that was because Sid didn’t feel like he was included in that part of Jamie’s life right now.  It hurt, the feeling like Jamie was excluding him from part of his life.  Was this what Jamie felt in Cole Harbour when he thought Sid was pushing him away?

Jamie doesn’t feel that way now, however, like he is excluding Sid.  A lot of his conversations with Janet focus on Jamie’s relationship with Sid.  Right from the start of their relationship Sid provided a steadying force in Jamie’s life, something that had been missing since his parents’ death.  Something that not even Cat had provided.  In truth, not even something Kyle had provided. 

Jamie couldn’t explain it, but he gives as much credit to Sid, to that calming presence in his life for reinvigorating Jamie’s approach to hockey as he does anyone.  Having Sid allows Jamie to focus on his hockey, without worry about everything else that has or can screw up his life.  And that is for one reason and one reason only.  Sid loves him.  And Jamie is desperately in love with Sid.

That is why Jamie struggles trying to understand why it had been Sid, images of Sid, Sid’s voice in Jamie’s head, telling Jamie that he didn’t love him, telling Jamie he should just end it all.  Sid doesn’t know any of that, and Jamie is adamant that he never finds out. 

Jamie also knows how much Sid’s superstitions and routines mean to Sid, and how much it took for Sid to break his hard and fast rules last season.  It took Jamie.  It took Sid’s love for Jamie.

Jamie had fooled around with Brian, once, because Sid had told him repeatedly that Jamie was free to, how did Sid put it, sow his wild oats.  Jamie had about died laughing at Sid’s use of that phrase, but somehow it was also just so Sid to say it.  Sid told Jamie he never wanted Jamie to feel like he was missing out on life because he was with Sid.  Jamie was young, Sid said, and Jamie should enjoy all being young, good-looking, having money and being an NHL star had to offer. 

So when Brian was curious about sex with a guy, Jamie had educated him, only to find out that Sid and the guys had set it all up so that Jamie would have a sexual outlet besides Sid, because according to Sid, Jamie was killing him with sex.  Jamie couldn’t help it.  He liked sex, and he was 18.  His dick got hard at the mere mention of the word.

Jamie more than once, though, has asked Sid if he is okay with it.  Sid always says yes.  For a long time, Jamie wondered why Sid always said yes, then is came to him one day.  Sid said yes because Sid had, or maybe still has, his own fuck buddy.  Jamie thinks he knows who it is, only recently truly putting two and two together when he saw Sid staring at Kris when Kris was talking to Jamie.  The look was clear if you knew Sid.  It explained why Jamie thought Sid acted more jealous of the time Jamie spent with Kris than of the time Jamie spent with Brian.

Kris was, or is, Sid’s fuck buddy.  Jamie is sure.  The question now is what to do with that bit of knowledge, if anything.


	24. The Streak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Twenty-six fucking games! Twenty-six, Sid! I tied that little asshole from Chicago!” Jamie had pulled back, untucking Sid’s shirt so he could get his hands up underneath it to run his hands over Sid’s chest. “Can you fucking believe it!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> scores... wins... loses... all wishful thinking...

Game 18    Dec 1    Dallas Stars  2  Pittsburgh Penguins 3

Game 19    Dec 3    Detroit Red Wings 0  Pittsburgh Penguins 2

Game 20    Dec 5    Ottawa Senators  0  Pittsburgh Penguins 3

December blows into Pittsburgh cold, windy and with the season’s first significant snow falls.  Jamie’s streak continues through the first three games of the month, which see Flower getting back-to-back shut-outs as well.  Jamie garners five assists, but no goals over the three games. 

They get an off-day on the sixth before they leave for a two game road trip to Florida.  A fresh layer of snow covers the ground, more than enough for some outdoor fun, so the boys all decide a team sled-riding day is in order.  Jamie has more fun than he thinks possible as he sleds down the hill with kid after kid piled onto his inner-tube.  It’s a good day.

\---

Game 21    Dec 8  Florida Panthers  3   Pittsburgh Penguins 2

Jamie wakes with a start, sitting straight up in bed, confused and disoriented.  Beside him, Brian stirs.

“Fluff?  You okay?”

Jamie checks the clock next to the hotel bed, 7 am.  Brian is next to him, not Sid.  He’s in a hotel room.  Florida.  Right.

Jamie rubs his eyes, trying to get his mind to focus.

“Yeah, Dumes.  I’m, I just…”  Jamie doesn’t finish his sentence, instead just getting up and collecting his running shoes, then sitting on the edge of the bed to put them on. 

He and Brian had gone for their early morning run, then he’d fallen back asleep in Brian’s room watching the morning news.

“Bad dream?”

It’s the 8th.  He hadn’t thought about the day being the 8th at all, hadn’t even thought about the incident since they’d played the Ducks a month ago.  But evidently his subconscious was thinking about it, dreaming about it.

“Yeah,” Jamie runs his hand through his hair as he stands up, “Anaheim.  It’s been a year today.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.  I’m just, I’m gonna go get ready for breakfast.”  They still have two hours before they have to be downstairs, but Brian nods his head, watching Jamie slip out the door.

Dumo:  _You up?  Think J is on his way to see you.  Bad dream.  Anaheim._

Tanger:  _Yep. Up.  Will be waiting for him._

Sid wakes up at 8 am, surprised that Jamie isn’t back, so he texts him, surprised even more when he gets a text back from Kris instead.

Tanger:  _Talking.  He’ll be over soon._

The door opens about 10 minutes later, and Sid steps in to the room from the bathroom, where he’d been brushing his teeth.  He watches for a couple of minutes as Jamie strips out of his running clothes.  Jamie’s hair is wet, like he stepped out of the shower, and Sid notices Jamie just pulls out his business casual clothes and starts getting dressed.

Jamie glances up and sees Sid staring.

“I took a quick shower in Kris’ room.  Didn’t think we’d both have time to shower here.”

Sid stares, looking for it.  Does he have his ‘I got fucked’ look going on this morning?  Sid doesn’t think he does, not obviously, but he thinks Jamie’s getting better at not showing it as much.  Besides, if he did, he and Brian could have been fooling around after their run.  It doesn’t mean he and Kris were, well, it doesn’t mean that.  Sid keeps staring.

“What?”  Jamie snaps.

“Nothing.”  Sid turns and goes back into the bathroom.

That night Sid scrutinizes every move Jamie and Kris make around each other.  There’s nothing any different about their interactions from any other game this season.  Kris, however, notices the increased attention.  Finally, he stops Sid on the way back to the locker room for the second intermission.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Sid says, a bit defensively.  “Just.  Is he okay today?  He’s been quiet and you said he was over to talk to you early.”

“Today’s the anniversary of the party in Anaheim.  He had a bad dream about it, so we talked.  I think he talked to Janet about it today, too.”

“Shit.  That’s right.  Sorry, I forgot.  I thought,” Sid feels a little guilty for thinking what he’d been thinking. “never mind.  Okay.  He’s doing okay though right?  Already has a goal tonight, so streak is intact.”

They talk a minute or two more before heading in to the locker room, Sid letting his worries slip away for the rest of the night.

The Pens end up losing the game, but Jamie gets an assist in addition to the goal.  After the game, the team makes the quick flight to Tampa Bay and get checked in to the hotel. 

When they climb in to bed, Jamie slides under Sid’s arm so he can curl up against Sid with his head wresting on Sid’s chest.  Jamie rubs his check against Sid’s warm skin, sighing with contentment as Sid slowly lets his fingers trace circles on Jamie’s back.

“So, I fell asleep in Dumes’ room this morning when we got back from our run.”

“Okay.”  Sid skims a finger up and down Jamie’s spine.

“I, uh, I had a dream about what happened in Anaheim last year.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Yeah.”  Jamie tips his head back so he can look up at Sid, “If that’s okay?”

Sid kisses him on the forehead.  “You know it is.”

So, Jamie lays there against Sid, quietly talking, telling Sid the details of the dream.  Sid listens, nuzzling into Jamie’s hair at the rough parts, squeezing Jamie tightly other times, then just holding him after Jamie finishes talking until they both fall asleep.  As he drifts off, Jamie thinks that while it’s not been a good day, it has been an okay day.

\---

Game 22  Dec 10  Tampa Bay Lightning  1   Pittsburgh Penguins 3

He may have forgotten about the 8th, but Sid remembers very clearly that it is the 10th when he is awoken from his pre-game nap to Jamie obviously having a nightmare.  Jamie’s arms are wrapped tightly around a pillow, his fists clenching the cover, tugging at the fabric.

“Kicks.  No.  Please.  No.”  Jamie mumbles over and over.

Sid leans up on an elbow as he turns his body towards Jamie, his other arm reaching out to brush the hair back off Jamie’s forehead, then his hand resting there, his thumb rubbing over Jamie’s brow.

“Ssshhh…. Sshhh… it’s okay baby boy, it’s okay.”  Sid whispers softly.  “It’s okay.  Jamie wake up, baby.  It’s just a dream.  It’s okay.  I’m right here.”

Jamie twitches a few times before he wakes up, his gaze darting around the room before settling on Sid. 

“I know.  It’s okay.”  Sid murmurs as he watches the tears come to Jamie’s eyes.  “I know.”

Jamie buries his head into Sid’s neck, letting Sid wrap his arms around him, pulling him in as Sid rolls over on to his back again.  Sid feels the dampness against his skin.

“I know.”

That night, Jamie struggles through the game, his thoughts going to Kyle often on the anniversary of his death.  It is late into the third period before Jamie gets a secondary assist on a goal by Geno to extend his streak.  With just over a minute left, the Lightning have the extra attacker on trying to tie the game when Jamie manages to get his stick on the puck after Muzz blocks a shot.  Jamie shoots a pass towards Rusty out at the blue line who puts it in the empty net, giving Jamie another assist on the night.

On the flight home, Jamie gets a text.

Diane:  _Thinking of you today.  Watched the game.  He would have been proud of this streak and your season so far.  Love you._

It hadn’t been a good day, but Jamie managed to get through it.

\---

Game 23  Dec 12 Arizona Coyotes 1  Pittsburgh Penguins 3

Jamie shoves Brian into Tommy as the three walk out the runway to get ready to take the ice for warm-ups.  Sid smiles as he watches them, waiting for Geno to be ready to go out, when it dawns on him.  Jamie hasn’t thrown up before a game since the streak started.  Not once.  He silently hopes that particular streak never ends.

Jamie racks up another two assist against the Coyotes, which moves him back into the points lead.  Jamie Benn’s scoring frenzy over the Stars last four games had briefly put him ahead of Jamie.

It is another great day.

\---

Game 24  Dec 14  Boston Bruins 4  Pittsburgh Penguins 2

Game 25  Dec 16  Los Angeles Kings 3  Pittsburgh Penguins 4

Twice.  Twice the streak almost ends.  In both of the next two games, there are under four minutes left in the third period before Jamie gets an assist.  Sullivan denies it at the press conference, saying that winning the games, or trying to win the games, is the reason he is double and triple shifting Jamie for the last half of the final period in each game.  The press doesn’t buy it.

Both days are okay days, Jamie struggling a little each day. 

The Pens fly out Friday night after the game with the Kings for a back-to-back in Toronto on Saturday night.

\--- 

Game 26  Dec 17  Toronto Maple Leafs 2  Pittsburgh Penguins 4

Jamie turns around, barely waiting for Sid to lock the door behind them before he grabs Sid and shoves him up against the door.

“Fuck me!” Jamie says just before his mouth comes down hard against Sid's mouth, his tongue pushing in violently, licking and demanding.  His hands claw at Sid’s coat, trying to get it off so he can work on getting Sid out of his suit.

First he’d had to endure an extra-long media scrum after the game, then a quick team meal and the hour and a half flight back from Toronto, and then the ride from the airport.  Thank god it was quick.

“Twenty-six fucking games!  Twenty-six, Sid!  I tied that little asshole from Chicago!”  Jamie had pulled back, untucking Sid’s shirt so he could get his hands up underneath it to run his hands over Sid’s chest.  “Can you fucking believe it!”

“Aren’t you worried about jinxing it?”  Sid keeps his hands down at his sides, letting Jamie work.  “I mean, talking about it?  Um, celebrating?  I mean, I’m guessing that’s what we are going to be doing.”

“You bet your ass we’re celebrating.  And, technically, it’s Sunday, so it’s no longer a game day either.”

Sid was still not getting with the program, just standing against the door not moving.  Jamie stopped what he was doing, stepping back.

“Sid?”

“I’m not going to jinx things.”

“Fuck you and your superstitions.”

“No.”

“Look, I have no doubt that this thing keeps going.  We, the team, are playing too hot for it not to, so I’m not worried.  Besides.  If it does end, at least I’ve tied the record.  That’s enough reason for me to risk it and celebrate.”

Sid shrugs as he steps around Jamie, walking towards the living room.

“I’m not doing it.”

“Sid.  Did you notice when I got up and went to the bathroom on the plane?  I was gone for a little while.”

Sid stops walking, but doesn’t turn around. 

“I may have been doing a little, um, prep work.  You know, in anticipation of our celebration.”

Sid swallows hard.  “So not fair, baby boy.”

Jamie walks over and slides his arms over Sid’s shoulders, letting them hang in front of Sid’s chest as Jamie bends to hook his chin over Sid’s shoulder.  Jamie has his hand clenched around something and when Sid holds his open hand, palm up, under Jamie’s fist, Jamie drops a small black object into it.

“Fuck me.” Jamie whispers in to Sid’s ear before releasing him and heading for the stairs.

“Fuck.”  Sid hesitates just a few seconds before pressing the top button on the remote, watching Jamie freeze in his tracks, his ass cheeks tightening.

“That’s my man,” Jamie whispers.

It is an exceptionally great day.

\---

Game 27  Dec 20 New York Rangers 5  Pittsburgh Penguins 4

Consol Energy Center is rocking like it’s a playoff game, and it doesn’t take long for them to be rewarded, just two minutes and fourteen seconds to be exact.

Jamie, Sid, and Horny come over the boards for their second shift of the game.  Kris has the puck, holding it behind the Pens’ net, waiting for the three forwards to set up.  Jamie circles into the Pens’ zone as Kris comes out from behind the net and shoots the puck to him.  Jamie passes the puck between a couple of the Rangers in the neutral zone, hitting Sid as he crosses into the Rangers’ zone.  Jamie follows the play, skating down the left wall in front of the Rangers’ bench.

Sid skates around Ryan McDonagh, but doesn’t get a lane for a shot on goal. 

Instead he guides the puck around the back of the net, following Jamie and Horny’s movements with his eyes.  Horny has staked out a spot just in front of the crease and is jostling with McDonagh to stay there.  Jamie is gliding backwards across to the right side, about 15 feet from the net.  No one is with him. 

Sid, being dogged by Marc Staal as he comes around the back of the net, manages to send the puck towards Jamie.  Lundqvist was expecting a wrap-around try by Sid, not the quick pass.  He tries to get turned.  The puck hits Jamie’s stick, he settles it and snaps his wrist.  The puck sails just over Henrik’s left leg.

Jamie pumps his fist in the air, skating to Sid as the roar from the fans fills the arena. 

“I told you!  I fucking told you!”  Jamie yells as Sid pulls him in.  Patric, Brian and Kris slam into them, hugging Jamie and patting him on the head.

Jamie leads them back to the bench, skating past his teammates for high fives before stepping through the door to sit down.  All the coaches come to give Jamie a hug or pat on the back, or a rub on his helmet.  Mike Sullivan bends down to talk in Jamie’s ear.

“So fucking proud of you.”

Jamie ends the night with the goal and two assists, but the Pens lose in a shoot-out.  That night, Sid doesn’t hesitate at all to celebrate with Jamie.

Jamie chalks up another great day on the calendar. 

\---

Game 28  Dec 22 Columbus Blue Jackets 2   Pittsburgh Penguins 7

Two days after breaking Patrick Kane’s record for consecutive games with a point by an American born player, Jamie has another banner night on the ice in Columbus, where the amount of black and gold in the stands would almost make you think you were at Consol.  The game starts out slow, with no goals by either team in the first period.  That all changes in the second.

Just a minute into the period, Jamie sends a slap shot past the glove of Sergei Bobrovsky to extend his streak.  Five minutes later Kessel gets a goal on a power play following a high sticking penalty Brandon Saad.  That’s followed just two minutes later by a goal from the blue line by Kris.  Six minutes after that, Jamie gets his second goal on the night.  The period ends with the Pens up 4-1.

In the third period Jamie gets assists off goals by Rusty and Shears as Sullivan, with the game seemingly in hand, mixes up the lines, giving various players some extra ice time and resting others.  With four minutes to go, the Pens are up 6-2, and are controlling the game.  Sullivan looks at Jamie, bent over on the bench after a long shift which included having to stay on the ice through an icing call against the Pens.

“How much you got in the tank?” Sully asks, leaning over to talk to Jamie.

“How much do you need?  We’re up by four.”  Jamie’s confused by Sully’s question.

“You got three minutes in your legs?” Sully grins at him.

Suddenly Jamie’s eyes light up as he gets what Sullivan is asking him.

“Fuck yeah.”

Sullivan stands up straight.

“Alright boys,” he yells down the bench, “Jamie’s on the ice till the end unless he scores.  Let’s get him his first hat trick!”

The rest of the team tap their sticks on the floor or against the bench in agreement.  It is something Sullivan would do, and has done, for any player who has a chance at a hat trick.  It is something any of them would do for any teammate, for their family.

Jamie goes over the boards with 3:34 on the clock.  It takes a minute and a half, roughly, before he gets his chance.  The Blue Jackets have pulled their goalie, putting six attackers on the ice.  Jamie’s lungs are starting to burn because Columbus’ attack has been relentless for the last forty-five seconds, and there’s been no stoppages in play since Jamie came on the ice. 

Jamie swings out towards the blue line, following Boone Jenner’s movement, staying between him and the Pens’ net.  Jenner flips a pass to Saad, who takes a shot.  Rusty blocks it and the puck skips across the ice to Sid, who snaps a pass towards Jamie.

Jamie musters all his energy to get to the pass before Jenner, breaking for center ice.  As he crosses the blue line into the Blue Jackets’ zone he sends the puck towards the net.  The Pens watch the puck slide down the ice and into the empty net, then cheer as their fans rain hats down on the ice.

_NHLNetwork @NHLNetwork – Dec 22_

_Congrats @JMarsh_20 1 st NHL Hat Trick & 5 pt game!  @Penguins player extends points streak to 28 games._

\---

Game 29  Dec 23  New Jersey Devils 1  Pittsburgh Penguins 3

The Pens easily defeat the Devils the next night before heading in to the Christmas break.  Columbus and New Jersey were back-to-back games, the Pens second set of back-to-backs in December, and they still had another set to go.  The Pens will come back after Christmas with a game in New Jersey on the 27th and then at home against Carolina on the 28th. 

Jamie gets an assist on a goal by Sid in the third period, which extends the streak to 29 games.

Going in to the three-day Christmas break the NHL leader boards are filled with Pens, whose 26-7-2 is the best in the league.


	25. It's Not Easy Being Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah. Should make Jamie happy. I’ll make sure he calls you every day. Wouldn’t want to him to miss out on his Tanger time.” Sid scuffs his foot on the concrete. “Anyway. Happy New Year, Tanger.” Sid gives him a half-hearted hug.
> 
> “Happy New Year, Sid.”
> 
> Kris watches Sid walk away, completely dumbfounded, wondering what’s wrong with his friend. And ‘Tanger time’? What the hell did that mean? Suddenly Kris knows. Sid is jealous of how much time Jamie spends with Kris.

“Merry Christmas,” Trina says as Jamie shuffles in to the kitchen at the Crosby house in Cole Harbour.  “You didn’t run this morning?”

“Decided to give myself a present and sleep in,” Jamie leans over and gives her a kiss on the cheek.  “And, Merry Christmas.”

Jamie opens a cupboard to retrieve a coffee cup, pours himself a cup and sits down at the kitchen table with Trina.

“I didn’t know 7 am constituted sleeping in.”

“It does when you normally get up at five.” Jamie smiles over his cup.

“I’ll fix breakfast once everyone is up.  Sid said steak and eggs is the usual.”

“Whatever you want to fix.  Another present to myself since we’re here.  Today is a total cheat day.  Just don’t tell Tanger.”

“Never.”  Trina laughed.

Over the next couple of hours everyone trickles down to the kitchen, first Troy, then Sid around eight, and lastly Taylor drags herself out of bed a little after nine.  They all pitched in to help fix breakfast, well, almost all of them.  Trina cooks the eggs and steak.  Troy fixes a bowl of fruit.  Jamie and Taylor handle the toast.  And Sid?  Sid supervised.

\---

After breakfast, they just stack the dishes in the sink and go in to sit in the living room with the Christmas tree to exchange gifts.

All the presents under the tree have been opened so Jamie thinks they are done.  He’d never quite had a Christmas like this.  A stack of clothes, video games, CDs, DVDs, books, stuff for his Jeep, framed photos of family and friends together from the summer, and a scrapbook from Sid of photos and things from last season, including a key card from the hotel room in Boston where they first got together were stacked in front of him. 

They normally didn’t do this kind of Christmas, not since the kids had gotten older and Sid had been making enough money to buy whatever they wanted or needed.  They usually just got one big family present or one big present for each person.  Sid had told Jamie the night before that his parents wanted to go all out for Jamie’s first Christmas as part of the family. 

Jamie was feeling a little overwhelmed, so he started to excuse himself and get up off the couch when Sid stopped him.

“There’s one more gift.”  Sid says, standing to reach a large manila envelope off the back of the tree and handing it to Jamie.

“What’s this?”

“For you.  For us, actually.”  Sid smiles as he sits back down next to Jamie.  “I thought it might be nice to get away for a few days, just the two of us.”

Jamie opens the envelope carefully, pulling out a packet of papers.  There’s information on a charter flight with an itinerary listing departure date as January 1, 2017 and return date as January 5, 2017.  Destination…

“Are you fu…” Jamie catches himself, can’t drop the f-bomb in front of the folks, “are you serious?  How did you?  When did you?”

“I figured after everything last summer, it would be nice.  Figured I owed you a vacation of sorts.  So I made a few calls to a friend, and well, it all came together.”

Jamie stares at the papers in his lap incredulously, looking up to see broad smiles on everyone’s faces.

“You all knew about this?”

Trina and Troy nod, while Taylor says that she had to actually do a lot of the phone calling for Sid the last couple of weeks to get the final details settled.

“I figured we’d take advantage of the new ‘bye’ week they put into the schedule.  Nothing scheduled until an optional skate on Thursday, so that gives us four nights, five days pretty much all to ourselves.”

“Ourselves?”  Jamie looks through the information a little more and it quickly becomes apparent, this isn’t a resort, this is a private residence.  “This isn’t a resort.  Did you rent a whole island?  Jesus, Sid, that’s got to have cost a fortune.  It’s too much.”

“Well, it’s not costing me anything other than the flight, and well, feeding you which is damn expensive,” Sid jokes.  “I know someone who, well, who owns their own island in the Caribbean.  Anyway, he’s not using the place right now and hadn’t rented it out at all, so, after a couple of calls, we have the house, well the island, over the break.”

Sid tries to joke some more, “Besides, even if I were paying, I think I should be allowed to splurge once in a while.  I mean you’ve said it, what’s the point of being Sidney, excuse me Mom, fucking Crosby if you can’t enjoy the benefits of all that means sometimes.”

Sid’s trying to read the expression on Jamie’s face, not sure if Jamie is happy with this plan.  Then something occurs to him.

“It’s not totally isolated.  I checked, they have internet and cellphone service off their own dish.  You’ll be able to call or Skype with Janet every day if you want.”  And with Kris, he thinks but doesn’t say.

A smile slowly breaks across Jamie’s lips and his eyes start to light up. 

“You’re serious about this.  Not a joke.  Just us on basically our own island?”

“Well?  Good present?”

Jamie leans over and gives Sid a hug and kiss.

“Heck yeah.”

\---

Sid carries two cups of hot chocolate up the stairs.  Jamie had gone up to lie down for a while, really overwhelmed with Christmas after Sid’s present.  As Sid gets closer to his room, he can hear Jamie talking through the half open door.  Sid pauses outside the door.

“No, Kris.  He can’t find out.  I haven’t changed my mind about that.”

The air rushes out of Sid’s lungs.

“Because, I’ve told you.  It would only hurt him and I’m not going to let that happen, so he can never know what happened.”

Sid backs against the wall in the hallway, nearly dropping the hot chocolate.  Oh fuck, he thinks, oh fuck.  I knew it.  I fucking knew it.

“Look, it’s Christmas, can we not talk about it anymore.  I just wanted to call and say Merry Christmas to you guys.  We can talk about it when we are back in Pittsburgh, okay.  I promise, I’ll think about it, but I know I’m right, it’ll only cause him hurt and he’ll hate me.”

Sid tries to just keep breathing, his mind racing with thoughts.  Kris.  This can’t be what he thinks it is.  Kris wouldn’t do this behind his back.  He wouldn’t.  But Jamie is saying…  fuck.

“Okay.  Love you, too.  Bye.”

Sid waits a moment before he collects himself and pushes the door open.  Jamie is sitting on the bed with his phone.

“Hey, baby boy, Mom made us some hot chocolate.”  Sid walks over and hands Jamie one of the cups.

“Thanks.  Kris says hi.  They had a good Christmas.  Alex was so excited telling me about all his presents when Kris let him say hello.”

“What else did he have to offer?”  Sid takes a sip from his cup, trying to stay in control when he just wants to confront Jamie about what he overheard, about what he is sure happened or is happening between Jamie and Kris.

“Not much.  He just wanted to make sure I was doing okay over the holiday, cause I can’t talk to Janet and all.”

“So,” Jamie sets his cup down on the bedside table and sidles up against Sid’s side. “maybe I should thank you for my Christmas present?”

Sid stands up, “Dinner’s going to be ready soon.  Maybe later.”

Jamie sits there, baffled that Sid would turn him down.  He doesn’t say anything as Sid walks out of the room.

\---

Game 30  Dec 27  New Jersey Devils 2  Pittsburgh Penguins 4

Game 31  Dec 28  Carolina Hurricanes 3  Pittsburgh Penguins 1

The Pens, and Jamie, pick up right where they left off before Christmas, handily beating the Devils.  Jamie picks up two assists on goals by Sid. 

After the game, they fly back to Pittsburgh for the game the next day against the ‘Canes.  It’s a rough night for the Pens, as Carolina comes out strong right from the start, hitting Muzz up for two goals before they’re five minutes in to the first period. 

Teravainen gets another goal at the start of the third period.  Jamie is pretty sure the streak is going to end when the Pens still have put the puck in net with three minutes left in the game.  It’s not for a lack of trying either as they’ve put 35 shots on goal.  Cam Ward is just having a hell of a night.

With two minutes left, Jamie is on the ice with Geno, Sid, and Kris.  Instead of two d-men, Bones is out with them as an extra forward, the Pens have also pulled Muzz and Carl Hagelin is the extra attacker on the ice.  The clock is ticking down and Jamie’s chances are running out to keep the streak alive.

Jamie takes a pass from Geno on the left-wing, he skates around one defender and sees an opening, for Bones who is coming across the center.  Hags and Sid are both in front of the net.  Jamie sees that Sid wants the puck, but Bones is open, so Jamie sends the puck towards Bones’ stick.  A quick wrist shot goes top shelf on Ward, whose line of sight may have been blocked by Hags.  Jamie gets an assist and the streak lives another day.

That night, they get home after the game, both exhausted from the extensive travel the last few days and the back-to-back games.  Sid kicks off his shows and heads straight upstairs.

“You want me to bring you anything?”  Jamie asks.  All he gets is some noise that may have been ‘water’ or who knows what.

Sid’s been quiet since they got back from Cole Harbour, not completely ignoring Jamie or not speaking, but a little distant.  Jamie’s not sure what’s going on, except that it doesn’t feel the same as when he thought Sid was pushing him away last summer.  Maybe Sid is just more keyed up about Jamie’s streak than Jamie is.  God knows the media spend more time asking Sid about Jamie at this point than they do asking Jamie questions directly.

Jamie grabs a couple of bottles of water out of the fridge, and some fruit and nut snack containers he’d made up that morning, before heading up to join Sid.  When he walks into the bedroom, Sid’s already in bed, rolled over on his side with his back towards Jamie’s side.

“Tough loss, huh.  I brought you a water.”  Jamie walks around and sets one of the bottles down on the table beside Sid’s side of the bed. 

“Thanks.”

Jamie sets his own bottle and the snacks down on the table on his side, then goes in to the bathroom to brush his teeth and strip out of his clothes.  He comes back out and flips the lights off, making his way to the bed with just the light filtering in from the bathroom nightlight.  Jamie climbs in and stretches out along Sid’s back, draping an arm over Sid’s waist.

Jamie kisses Sid along the back of his neck.  “Everything okay?”

“Just tired.”

“That was a pretty hard hit Jordie laid on you in the second period.  Didn’t get hurt did you?”

“No.”  Sid hikes the comforter up around his shoulders more.  “Just tired, Jamie.  That’s all.”

“Okay.”  Jamie doesn’t move away though, staying spooned up against Sid.  Sid at least doesn’t pull away either.  “Night.  Love you.”

“Love you, Jamie.”

\---

Dec 31  Montreal Canadians  4   Pittsburgh Penguins 3

It’s not the way the Pens wanted to close out the year, with back-to-back losses, but it happens as they play better than they had against Carolina, but lose in overtime.  Worse yet is that Jamie’s streak comes to an end, and the way it ends just adds to the sting of the loss.

Jamie is on the ice near the mid-point of the second period with the penalty kill unit, killing a five-on-four caused by Shears taking a bad hooking call.  Rusty, Schultzy and Bones are out with him.  Sullivan has Jamie out there hoping that the Pens may be able to generate a short-handed goal.

Jamie shifts positions with Bones, slipping down towards Flower more.  He watches the Habs pass the puck back and forth looking for an opening for a shot.  Shea Weber, out at the blue line sets up and Jamie sees him, sees the pass come across the ice and Weber wind up for the slap shot.  Jamie steps to try and block it.

The puck hits Jamie right behind the glove on his right hand, right where there isn’t any padding.  Pain instantly shoots up Jamie’s arm and down through his fingers, radiating from the point of impact.  Jamie drops his stick and cradles his arm to his body, but can’t get off the ice because play continues.

Jamie tries to stay with the play, keeping himself between the Habs players and the goal even without his stick.  His teammates can see that he’s hurt, Horny is ready to come over the boards as soon as Jamie gets a chance to come to the bench or play stops.  It’s an agonizing six seconds, an eternity, before Rusty manages to get a rebound and clear the puck.

Bones skates to Jamie, who bends over when he sees Rusty send the puck deep.  Bones grabs Jamie and pulls him to the bench.  Jamie steps through the door and drops down on the end of the bench, holding his arm tight and rocking back and forth.

“Fuck.  Fuck. Fuck.”

Chris Stewart, the head trainer, bends over Jamie.  “Let me see.”

Jamie holds his arm out, gingerly, a large bruise already appearing mid-forearm.

“Move your fingers?”

Jamie slowly, deliberately, closes his hand into a fist.

“Okay.  Might not be broken.  Let’s go get some x-rays.”

Jamie gets up and let’s Stewie take his elbow and guide him back to the locker room.

When Sid comes in for the second intermission, Jamie is sitting in his stall still in all his equipment with an ice bag wrapped around his arm. 

“Well, at least it isn’t broken.”  Jamie jokes when Sid sits down next to him.  “Fucking lucky considering I got hit by a 100 mile per hour slap shot, huh.”

“You going to be able to keep playing?” 

“Gonna try to go out for the third period.  But I don’t know.  I can open and close my hand okay, but it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.  Good news is that I’ll have all week to rest it.  Sun and sand should help that, right?”  Jamie nudges his shoulder against Sid’s.

“Right.” Sid takes off his skates, taking them to get sharpened.  When he comes back, Kris is sitting in Sid’s stall next to Jamie, leaning over close so they can whisper to each other.  Sid stops in his tracks, staring for a minute before Kris looks up and sees him.

“Hey.  Just making sure we’re okay.”  Kris gets up and goes back to his own stall.

Sid sits back down, but Jamie notices that Sid doesn’t say anything the rest of the intermission.

Jamie starts the third period on the bench, hitting the ice for his first shift about a two minutes into the period.  The pain in his arm when he tries to grip his stick to pass or shoot is too much and he ends up going back to the locker room after just the one shift.

The streak ends at 31 games.

\---

Jamie is already changed by the time the game ends, which allows him to avoid the media scrum, but most of the beat reporters don’t seem to care really.  Jamie does do a short post-game interview with Dan Potash for Root Sports.  The fact that it is New Year’s Eve may also help as most of the press don’t stick around very long after the game, looking to file their stories quickly and head out to ring in the new year. 

Sid and Jamie were supposed to go over to Kuni’s with most of the veterans and their families to celebrate the new year, but Jamie’s arm really hurts despite the pain killers they jacked him up on.  Sid gives everybody the news, wishing them all a happy new year, then he goes to retrieve Jamie from where ever he managed to go after his interview.

Sid finds him in the hallway talking to Brian and Kris.  Kris is leaning against Jamie laughing and a pang of jealousy hits Sid in the gut. 

“Hey,” Jamie pulls himself away from Kris when Sid walks towards them.  “About time.  Take me home so we can bang, I mean, ring in 2017, baby.”

Jamie throws his arms around Sid planting a wet kiss on Sid’s lips.

Brian and Kris can’t quit laughing.

“You are going to have lots of fun tonight, Sid.  Whatever they gave him, he’s flying in la la land.”  Brian goes over to help Sid peel Jamie off of Sid.

“Come on, Dume-ass, you’re ruining my fun here.”  Jamie pushes at Brian’s chest. 

“Let’s go stud, I’ll walk you to your car.”  Brian wraps a hand around Jamie’s waist to guide him towards the exit.

“Fine.”  Jamie slips out of his grasp, huffing.  “But I can fucking walk by myself.”

Kris laughs as he watches the two walk down the hallway, Jamie continually slapping at Brian’s hand every time Brian reaches out to steady Jamie.  When they get out of sight, Kris turns his attention to Sid, who is standing with his hands in his pockets, head down, looking at the floor.  In other words, the ‘something’s bothering Sid’ stance.

“What’s wrong.”  Kris nudges Sid’s shoulder.

“Nothing.”  Sid lies.  “Hey, we leave early in the morning for the island.  You’ll check the house a couple times, right?”

“Sure.  No problem.  Have fun on your trip.  It’s good to see you actually taking a vacation.”

“Yeah.  Should make Jamie happy.  I’ll make sure he calls you every day.  Wouldn’t want to him to miss out on his Tanger time.”  Sid scuffs his foot on the concrete.  “Anyway.  Happy New Year, Tanger.”  Sid gives him a half-hearted hug.

“Happy New Year, Sid.”

Kris watches Sid walk away, completely dumbfounded, wondering what’s wrong with his friend.  And ‘Tanger time’?  What the hell did that mean?  Suddenly Kris knows.  Sid is jealous of how much time Jamie spends with Kris. 

Kris heads back in to the locker room to find Flower.  If there is a potential problem between Sid and Jamie again, they need to head it off before Sid does something stupid again.


	26. Island Getaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blowjobs. Breakfast. Beach.
> 
> Jamie thinks he could get used to spending every morning like this, as he and Sid splash around in the waves.

Jamie is really surprised when their charter the next morning turns out to be a small turbo prop instead of the larger charter they had used before.  Their pilots’ names were Mark and Jack, friends of Sid’s as well, it seemed.  They load their bags and supplies for the week, food and other essential items, in the storage compartment and settle in for the flight.

“Actual flight time will be just over five hours.  We’ll be stopping at our private airport in south Florida to refuel which will add about an hour.  We should expect to land around 1 pm local time if that’s okay.”  Mark gave them the flight information.

“That’s great Mark.  We’re just going to enjoy the flight.”

Not being a good flyer, Jamie keeps a death grip on the arm rests of the seat for the first hour until Sid drags out the pain pills Doc V had sent for Jamie’s arm and gives Jamie one.  After that, Jamie just sleeps until Sid wakes him up when they were getting ready to land.

While he’d watched Jamie sleep, Sid decided that he was going to not think about the possibility of Jamie and Kris hooking up for the next few days.  At least he was going to try not to think about it.  Instead, he was going to make every effort to just enjoy the week and give Jamie all his attention.

\---

Jamie looks out the window expecting to see a major airport, figuring they’d land and then take a boat out to the island.  He hadn’t found any information about how they’d get to the island that indicated that they wouldn’t be flying in to a larger island first.  The plane banks to circle a small island Jamie can see out of the window.

“That’s the place.”  Mark announces.  “We’ll be on the ground in about 15 minutes.”

“We’re landing on the island?”  Jamie questions.

“Forgot to tell you.  It has its own runway.”  Sid smiles.

“Fuck me.  Who the hell’s island getaway is this anyway?  Why won’t you tell me?”

\---

Jamie surveys the island from the air, it’s not huge, but it’s not that small either, not as small as it seemed in the photos.  If he had to guess, Jamie thinks it’s about 40 acres, give or take, with a long stretch of white sand beach on the west side, with terrain that looks like it slowly rises to a low ridge running north/south just east of the center of the island.  That’s where the landing strip is located.  The island is mostly covered in trees and lush vegetation other than the landing strip and the one long beach. Rocky looking cliffs line the eastern shore.

From the air, Jamie can also make out a path that leads from the beach to an expansive looking villa type residence, then a path from the villa to the landing strip.  There are a few small out-buildings around the landing strip, presumably for storage.  Along the cliff side are a row of turbines, evidently for generating power from the wind.  And on the roof of the villa are solar panels, meaning it looks like the island is an eco-friendly, self-sustaining property.  Jamie is impressed with it so far.

After they land, Mark and Jack help them unload all their supplies and load the golf cart that was stored in a small shed next to the runway.  Sid and Jamie wave good-bye when the plane takes off a short time later, leaving them alone on the island.

\---

When they get to the house they find a folder on the kitchen table, inside are notes and information from the realtor who looks after the property for the still unknown owner.  The realtor was out earlier today to flip the breakers for the electric.  She also plugged in and turned on all the appliances.  There is a septic system, but please do not abuse it if possible.  Sid, knowing Jamie’s habits, just laughs.

The internet and Wi-Fi are all set to go, too.  She has left them the passwords they will need.  She lets them know where extra sheets and towels are located, as well as that there is a washer and dryer, with a supply of laundry soap and fabric softener, downstairs in the fully furbished basement. If they have any problems with anything all week they are to call her or text the numbers on the business cards she left. 

Jamie’s amazed that in the middle of nowhere, in the Caribbean, this place has so much going for it.  It certainly isn’t the castaway style living he half expected.

Jamie and Sid unpack their supplies and put stuff away.   The food they’ve brought, along with several cases of water, fill the fridge and small freezer.  Jamie looks around after they have the groceries put away, carrying their suitcases and other bags into the main bedroom.  The thing he finds interesting it the lack of anything personal around the villa, nothing to give any clue as to who might be the owner.

Jamie wanders downstairs to check out the laundry room and is completely shocked to find a work-out room with state of the art exercise equipment and a kick-ass set of free weights that have enough weights for a serious power-lifter.  Obviously the property belongs to someone who stays in shape.

The roof of the villa provides an overhang to a wrap-around porch, where Jamie finds what is basically a bed made into a swing at one corner.  There’s a clean fitted sheet on it, along with lots of pillows.  And Sid.  Jamie climbs on and stretch out next to Sid, but so he can use Sid’s stomach as a pillow.  Sid reaches down and runs his fingers through Jamie’s hair.

“Pretty nice, huh.”

“God, this is awesome.”  Jamie grins.  “I already vote we come back for a longer trip sometime.”

“Honeymoon?”

“No.” Jamie pinches Sid in the side.  “You promised me Disney for our honeymoon and I’m holding you to that.”

“Okay.  Okay.  Disney for our honeymoon.”  Sid laughs.  “So, you hungry?  Want to go make some sandwiches, then we can go explore the beach?”

“That sounds like a plan.”

“How’s the arm, though?  Need another pill?  Or some ice?”

“Nah.  It’s there, but okay.  I’ll take something later cause it will only put me to sleep right now.”

A short time later, they take the golf cart to the beach and park it at the end of the path.  The white sand is warm against their feet, but actually not too hot to walk along, so they decide to go barefoot.  Crystal clear blue water laps along the shore in small waves.  They watch small fish dart in and out from the shore, and chase an occasional sand crab towards the water, wading out to their knees and walking in the waves for a while.

The more he sees the more Jamie loves the place, and getting to just be alone with Sid.  When they turn back towards the path about an hour later, Sid takes Jamie’s hand, twining their fingers together.

\---

The next morning Jamie gets up early, throws on his running clothes and shoes and heads out.  He runs down the path to the beach, watching the tree line for an opening to see if there is a way to cut back across the island.  He doesn’t see anything until he is almost out of beach and about to turn around.  Then he sees what looks like a small walking trail heading into the dense foliage. 

The path takes him along the northern coast of the island coming out at the landing strip.  From there Jamie runs down the strip because he can’t see any path leading to the east side.  When he gets to the path to the villa he cuts off and heads back to the house.  Jamie ends up running that circuit three times before he sees Sid waving at him from the porch on his way back towards the villa.

“Breakfast!”  Sid yells.

Jamie waves back and heads to the villa to join Sid for breakfast.

\---

After breakfast Jamie hops in the shower to rinse off while Sid goes out to hang out on the bed swing, taking a history book he’s been wanting to read with him. 

Sid glances up when he hears the sliding door open and close, his mouth dropping open when he sees Jamie walking towards him.  Naked.  Closing his mouth, he swallows a couple of times before he can speak.

“Going native are we?”

“I think it’s a little more than that even, I think they wore clothes.  I just don’t see the point of wearing any right now.  It’s just us for miles.  And, besides, it’s hot.  This is comfortable.”  Jamie climbs on the bed swing with Sid.  “So, you gonna put your book down and take advantage of my lack of clothing?  Gonna go a little native yourself?”

\---

Tuesday morning, instead of running, Jamie joins Sid for an all-out work-out.  Thankfully Jamie puts on clothes for it, Sid thinks.  Afterward they try out the outside shower, where Jamie ends up having his way with Sid.  They spend the afternoon on the bed swing, Jamie napping while Sid reads his book. 

After fixing steaks for dinner, they take another walk down the beach, playing in the waves again, before coming back to the house to watch the sunset curled up together on the bed swing.

“I think we need one of these up at the lake house.”

“That sounds like something we could do.  You like it, huh.”

“Yeah.”

Jamie is sitting, half laying, with his back propped up against several pillows.  Sid is laying between Jamie’s legs his back against Jamie’s chest, his head resting on Jamie’s shoulders.  Their arms are crossed together around Sid’s chest. 

“So.  Did you talk to Tanger today? Or Janet?”

“Nope.  Haven’t talked to either of them since we got here.  And, I haven’t fired up my laptop at all either.  Just enjoying the peace and quiet.”  He tips his head to kiss Sid’s check.  “And getting to have you all to myself.”

Sid’s a little confused at that, no, a lot confused.

“And you’re doing okay with not talking to them?”

“Yeah.  I guess.” Jamie shrugs.  “I think that after the streak, I mean I know I kept saying it wasn’t stressful, but it was, so I guess that right now I kind of needed this.  To just get away from hockey.  To get away from all the stuff in my head.  To just finally get a chance to do what we said last spring, when all the stuff about us came out.”

“Do what?”

“Just be, you know, us.  I don’t think since we got together in Boston that we’ve ever really had a chance to just be together, just us.  Even on days off it wasn’t like this.  This is nice.”

Sid nods, “Yeah.  This is nice.”

They lay there in silence then, watching as the sun dips below the horizon, content to just be. 

\---

Sid rolls over the next morning, pleasantly surprised that Jamie is still in bed with him, spread out on his back, arms flopped out to the side taking up most of the bed.  Sid lays there watching Jamie sleep, staring at the strong line of Jamie’s jaw.  Sid wonders when the last of Jamie’s peach fuzz was replaced by a fine stubble, maybe a month or so ago Jamie actually had to start shaving. Jamie’s face seems more chiseled than it did when they first met almost a year ago, too, making him look older now. 

Sid’s gaze wanders down to Jamie’s broad shoulders, studying the way the muscles of his chest and arms are well defined even when totally relaxed in sleep.  Sid pauses to take in the slow, steady rise and fall of Jamie’s chest.  Jamie doesn’t have a lot of body hair, probably never will, and well, neither does Sid.  It’s something they’ve both remarked as being one of the physical traits they like about each other.  One of Sid’s favorite things to do is to lay his head on Jamie’s chest, pressing his ear against the warm, smooth skin, so that he can listen to Jamie’s heartbeat.  He’s fallen asleep like that more than once.

Sid’s also glad that Jamie doesn’t have a lot of body art, not that he doesn’t appreciate some of the tats the other guys have.  Kris’ arm is pretty nice.  It fits Kris.  But Sid isn’t sure a lot of ink would fit Jamie.  He studies the one small tattoo Jamie does have, over his heart.  Jamie’s permanent link to the first love of his life, the small heart and name ‘Kicks’.  Maybe he and Jamie could do something like that, too, even though Sid’s never wanted a tat before. 

Working out with Kris, following Kris’ routines has been really good for Jamie, Sid has to admit.  Jamie was all muscle at this point.  Hard.  Solid.  You could make out the outline of a six-pack, or an eight-pack even, even while he slept.  There’s a thin line of fair colored hair trailing down his lower abdomen, disappearing into the comforter which was pushed down low over Jamie’s hips.  And those damn v-lines, sex lines Sid had heard someone call them.  Jesus, those just about drove Sid wild.  He loved running his tongue up and down them, kissing along them, digging his hands into them when he fucked Jamie.

Then there were those long legs, with muscular thighs and well defined calf muscles.  Sid could watch Jamie skate in full uniform and imagine being able to see those muscles working.  Or, he could imagine them wrapped around his waist, pulling him in closer, urging Sid to drive deeper into Jamie.

Sid reached over, letting his fingers brush over Jamie’s abs, gently slipping them under the comforter.  Since Sid was up, and after laying there admiring Jamie, Sid was really up, he might as well wake Jamie up to take care of it.  When he palmed Jamie’s dick, Sid watched Jamie’s whole body twitch, and Jamie’s hips arch into the touch.

“Are you awake, you asshole?”  Sid wraps his fingers around Jamie’s dick and squeezes, which causes Jamie to jerk his body, his knees and shoulders coming up off the bed as his eyes shoot open.

“Fucker.”  Jamie is sitting up now, his hands on Sid’s trying to pry his grip loose.

“How long were you going to lay there pretending to still be asleep?”

“As long as you were going to lay there watching me.  I like it when you look, you know that.  Jesus, Sid, let go.”

Sid eases up the pressure against Jamie’s dick and Jamie lies back down.

“I think you like being an exhibitionist.  Christ, you’re naked more than you are dressed at home.  And here too.”

“You love it.” 

\---

Blowjobs.  Breakfast.  Beach.

Jamie thinks he could get used to spending every morning like this, as he and Sid splash around in the waves. 

\---

Thursday they get up early to watch the sunrise from over by the cliffs on the east side, Jamie having finally found the path that led to that end of the island.  They then walk back the path and up the beach one last time before returning to the villa to pack up for the plane ride home.  They pack up the coolers with all the left over groceries, there isn’t much, they’d planned out their meals well so they’d use up what they brought.  Once they get everything moved to the landing strip, they go back to the villa to eat the sandwiches they made while packing.  Then they do one last quick tour to make sure they haven’t forgotten anything before they pack their suitcases onto the golf cart and lounge on the bed swing until they hear the plane approaching.

The flight back to Pittsburgh is uneventful.  Instead of sleeping, Jamie catches up with his voicemails, missed calls, and texts, while Sid reads the last few chapters of his book.

They finally arrive at home just after 8 pm.  Jamie helps Sid unload the Hummer, then they both flop down on the couch.

“You’ve got to be starving, cause I am,” Sid slaps Jamie on the thigh, “want to order something?”

“You can.  I’m gonna run out to Tanger’s for a bit.  He wasn’t around to text earlier and I want to talk to him before getting back to practices tomorrow.”

Sid jerks his hand off Jamie’s leg, stands up, and starts to walk away.  He says it without thinking.

“That’s right.  Back in town five minutes and have to go see your newest fuck.”

Jamie jolts up off the couch and grabs Sid’s shoulder, spinning him around.

“What the fuck did you just say?”

Sid sees the look of shock on Jamie’s face, which quickly turns to anger.  Sid doesn’t say anything.

“Do you think I’m fucking Tanger?”

Sid swallows hard, then takes a deep breath.  He didn’t mean to say what he said, or for Jamie to necessarily hear it, but now it was out there.

“Aren’t you?  I mean you spend an awful lot of time with him anymore.  You’re in his hotel room more than you’re in ours most road trips.”

“What the fuck even?”  Jamie can’t believe Sid is saying this.

“That and I know he hit on you when you first got to Pittsburgh, remember.  And, you fucking kissed him that night.  And you admitted the next day you think he’s sexy.  Come on, Jamie, I’m not fucking blind.  You and Tanger have gotten really close, you have to be fucking him.”

“Oh my god!  I can’t… I don’t even believe this.”  Jamie steps back, turning his back to Sid, running his hands through his hair. 

“Are you going to deny it?”

Jamie turns back around, the angered look replaced by a hurt look.

“Yes.  I am not fucking Tanger, Sid.  And before you go all technical the way you do, he’s not fucking me either.  Jesus fucking Christ, Sid.  I wouldn’t do that to you.  He wouldn’t do that.  How could you ever think that?”

“You wouldn’t?  What about Dumo?  You fucked him.”

“Yeah, because you told me I was allowed to fuck whoever I wanted.  Sew my fucking wild oats thing, remember that.  I figured Dumes was a safe choice, I wasn’t out looking for anybody else, but when that particular opportunity presented itself I took it.  And then, come to find out you guys even arranged for me to hook up with him.  So yeah, I fuck Dumes.  But Dumes isn’t Tanger.  I wouldn’t do that to you Sid.”

“Right.  And just why not?  Like I said, you’re obviously attracted to him.”

“Who wouldn’t be?  He’s fucking hot.  You think so, too.”

“So you’ve wanted to fuck him.  Again, why should I believe that you haven’t just done that?  Why wouldn’t you do that?  Why wouldn’t he?  I know what he’s…”

“Because he’s your goddamn fuck buddy, Sid.” Jamie blurts out. “He’s yours and I wouldn’t do that without asking or talking to you about it, and he wouldn’t do that to you.  He told me that’s why he never hit on me a second time, because he knew you liked me and that I liked you.  He wanted us, you and I, to be together, not for me to be just another notch or fuck buddy or whatever to him.  Jesus.”

Jamie pushes Sid aside and storms past him, out of the room.  Sid stands, frozen by Jamie’s words.  Letting them sink in.  The sound of the front door slamming jars him out of his thoughts.

“Fuck.”

He rushes out the door after Jamie, getting to him just as Jamie goes to open the door to the Jeep.

“Stop.  Stop.  Please.  Don’t go.  Come back in.”  Sid cages Jamie against the side of the Jeep.

“Fuck you.”

“Jamie, please.  Don’t go.  I… I’m sorry.  Please.”

Jamie pushes against Sid with his back, forcing Sid off of him, but Sid isn’t about to give up that easy, not again, so he wraps his arms around Jamie and uses all his weight and strength to pin Jamie to the Jeep.

“No.  I’m not letting you fucking leave this time.  Come back inside so we can talk.  Jamie, please.  We need to talk about this, not yell.  I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I thought…whatever… I was wrong and I shouldn’t have ever doubted you and Tanger.  Please.  Come back inside.  Don’t leave because you’re mad at me.  Please.”

Sid has no doubt that if Jamie wanted to get away from him at that moment that Jamie could just easily break out of Sid’s hold.  But Jamie doesn’t.  Instead of fighting Sid, Jamie’s body goes slack.  Jamie drops his arms to his sides, letting his body slump against the Jeep instead of pressing back into Sid’s hold.

Sid eases his hold slightly.

“Jamie?” he whispers into Jamie’s back.  “Please, baby boy.”

Slowly, Jamie turns around so they’re facing one another.  The hurt still visible on his face, his eyes glistening.  Jamie doesn’t say a word.  Doesn’t nod a yes.  Doesn’t shake his head no.  He simply drops his head down on to Sid’s shoulder and leans into Sid’s arms.  They stand there like that for several minutes until Sid feels Jamie start to shiver.  Sid had thrown on a sweater when they got off the plan, but Jamie only had on a t-shirt still.

“Come on, it’s freezing out here.”  Sid says, pulling back so they can walk back into the house.

Sid leads Jamie to the kitchen, getting him to sit at the table, then Sid goes to get a blanket to wrap around Jamie’s shoulders.

Even though it wasn’t Jamie’s favorite, Sid uses the Keurig to make them a couple of cups of coffee.  Then he sits down across the table from Jamie.

“I’m sorry.  I guess, I don’t know what I was thinking or why.  But I was jealous.  I am jealous of the time you spend with Tanger.  I’ll admit it.”

Jamie doesn’t say anything, sipping at his coffee.

“I’m feeling left out, Jamie.  You tell Janet everything,” Jamie gives him a ‘well duh’ look, “I know, that’s her job, but you also tell Tanger everything.  Things you won’t tell me.  And like I said, there was this attraction to him you had last spring.  I guess I let myself imagine, or worry, or whatever, that something was going on.”

“But nothing is, Sid.  I swear.”

“I believe you.  I’m sorry I doubted you guys.  I am.”

“And you agreed.  You said it was okay, a good thing even, that I go to Tanger instead of you for support with my stuff.”

“I know, but I didn’t think it would make me feel this way.”

“I need to keep doing it, though.  It’s working.  I can keep you separate from everything else.  From the depression and everything I’m working through about Kicks, my parents.  Everything.  I can use Janet and Tanger for that, and then I get to have you for just you.  For just us.  Like what I said on the island.  So that you and I can try to do that here, just be us.  Can you understand that?”

Sid takes a long sip of his coffee, debating on what to say next.  Well, he thinks, might as well air it all.

“What aren’t you telling me that will hurt me?”

Jamie jerks upright in his chair.  “What?”

“I heard you, at Christmas, talking to Tanger and saying something about I could never know and it would hurt me.  What?  What were you talking about?  Because hurt or no, I want to know what’s going on with you about that.”

Jamie shakes his head, “No.”

“Jamie.  Look, this is a start, us talking about Tanger, what I said, thought, and everything.  You staying and talking.  This is good.  So why not talk about that too?”

“I can’t Sid.  It’s in the past.  My past.  For now, please just let it go?  Please.”

Sid looks into Jamie’s eyes, sees the pleading, the verge of panic there.  Whatever it is that Jamie is keeping from Sid, it’s obvious that to Jamie, the mere thought of Sid knowing is more than Jamie can handle.  So Sid decides to let it drop.

“Okay.  I won’t press you on it again.  But know that it will be okay when you decide to tell me.  Whatever it is, we’ll work out any problems.  Okay?”

Jamie nods his head.

“We’re good then?”

“Yeah.  We’re good.  I’ll forgive you for being an asshole again.”

“Thanks.”  Sid smirks, “Then one last thing we need to discuss before I figure out what we have in the house to feed you.  I can hear your stomach rumbling from here.”

That brings a smile.

“So just exactly how do you know Tanger is my fuck buddy?”

And the smile widens.


	27. Of Friends and Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid: I know that. I was jealous. I don’t share well evidently.
> 
> Tanger: Me or him?
> 
> Sid: Both. 
> 
> Tanger: Would you if asked?
> 
> Tanger: Sid?

Getting back to reality after the time away was hard.  First up for Jamie was a once over from the medical staff to check his arm when he arrived at Cranberry for practice on Friday.  The bruise is an ugly yellowish purple still and tender to touch, but another set of x-rays doesn’t show any calcification which means definitely no break, not even a hairline fracture. 

Stewie puts Jamie through a series of exercises to test his grip and pain levels. He and the Doc decide maybe a couple of more days of just rest, so Jamie ends up with a yellow no-contact jersey for practice Friday and Saturday, and the standard ‘day-to-day with an upper body injury’ statement from Sullivan.

Also on Jamie’s agenda before he gets on the ice is a chat with Janet, who is eager to hear about the vacation and the island retreat.  Jamie, she notes, looks well rested and relaxed.  When he tells her about Sid thinking that he’s sleeping with Kris, Janet sees him tense for a brief moment. 

“I was going to run away again, but Sid stopped me.  We talked about it and well, it’s all okay.”

“That’s good.  It’s not easy is it, confronting your problems instead of keeping them inside, or running away from them.”  Janet hopes for a certain response from him to that statement.

“No.  It’s not easy.  But it was better.  Especially than keeping them bottled up inside.”

That’s what she was looking for, that small revelation, but it isn’t quit a total belief yet.

“So, what about telling him about the dream and what happened in Edmonton?”

“No.  I can’t.  You guys keep telling me to do it, but I can’t.  It’ll hurt him too much and I’m not going to do that.”  Jamie sighs.  “No matter how much it hurts me to have to live with it.”

“You’re still having the dream?  What if you confronted it?  Told Sid?  Maybe that would help.”

“No.”

Janet knew that was the end of their talk today, Jamie just excused himself and went to practice.

\---- 

Jamie stops in front of Kris on his way over to his own stall to get changed for practice, asking if Kris wants to do lunch.  Kris says yes, but he decides to make a point of asking Sid if he’s okay with it.  They are walking out to the ice.  Flower, trailing behind, is a little worried about Sid’s reaction because of what Kris told him about how Sid was acting.  He and Kris may need to have an intervention.

“Yeah, he’s missed you this week.  Have a good time.”  Sid says without even breaking stride. 

Sid’s been all smiles, laughing and joking with everybody since he got to the center.  A far different Sid from when Kris last saw him.

Kris turns and gives Flower a confused look.  Flower just shrugs his shoulders. 

“Maybe he just got over it all on his own,” Flower says when he and Kris get a moment alone on the ice.

“Sid?  Not likely.  Something’s up.” Kris is anxious to ask Jamie what’s up. 

\---

Jamie:  _Did you tell Tanger that I know?_

Sid:  _Of course not, because remember…  YOU DON’T KNOW!_

Sid:  _Why?  What did he say?_

Jamie:  _Nothing.  But he’s taking me to Primanti’s so figured a) he knows I know  b) somebody died  c) hell froze over.  What’s your guess…_

Sid:  _Want me to tell him you know?_

Jamie:  _No.  I’m not going to tell anyone.  It’s not like it would make a difference if he knew.  Right?_

Sid:  _Right.  So let me know who died._

\---

They are driving home from lunch, which while Jamie had thoroughly enjoyed his Pittsburgher, had been a bit strained.  Kris certainly acted like he wanted to ask Jamie something, that there was something he really wanted to talk about with Jamie, but nothing had come up during lunch.  For the first time since their trip home from Nova Scotia, there was an uneasy silence between them.

“So,” Kris finally says, “is everything okay between you and Sid?”

“Yep.  Vacation was amazing.  It was great getting away and spending time alone with him.  Why?”

“Well, before the break, he was acting a little weird.”

“Weirder than normal?” 

“Jealous.  Of us spending so much time together.”  No point beating around the bush any longer, Kris figured.

“Oh.  Yeah.  We had a, uh, disagreement about that last night.  But things are all okay.  We talked it out.”

Kris glanced sideways at Jamie, “You talked it out?  Really?  Good for you.”

“Yep.  He’s fine.”

Jamie debates for a minute before he continues.

“He thought we were sleeping together.”

Kris turns to look at Jamie so abruptly he nearly drives off the edge of the road. 

“Jesus, Tanger, don’t wreck!”

Kris brings the car back into the driving lane.  He sits there, looking straight ahead for a few minutes.  Stunned.

“What the fuck?  He actually thought that?  He thinks that we?  Really?”

“Yep.  That’s what was bothering him.  But I told him nothing was going on.”

“Well that’s good, cause I don’t care what happened before, when you first got here.  Nothing is going to happen now.” 

Kris’ voice has a slight waver to it though and Jamie wonders if he pushed that Kris would give in and something would happen anyway.  Just as quickly as the thought is there, however, Jamie gets it out of his head.  Jamie wouldn’t do that to Sid. 

“So,” Kris says, pulling Jamie back to the conversation, “I wonder why he would even think that.”

“Because he’s Sid.  He did say he was feeling like he was being left out, because I talk to you and Janet and not to him.  So we talked about that, too.”

“And?  Don’t suppose you decided to tell him everything, did you?  I mean, that would be the adult thing to do.”

“Don’t start.  You know I can’t tell him about what really happened.  I won’t.”

“Okay.  Okay.  I know.  But I’m still going to tell you that you should.”

\----

Tanger:  _You thought I was sleeping with J?  WTF????_

Sid:  _He told you?  Sorry.  I know it was stupid.  But…_

Tanger:  _Stupid YES!  How could you think I would do that?_

Sid:  _Really?  I know you, remember._

Tanger:  _So I hit on him one time.  ONE TIME SID.  Before you got together.  I wouldn’t hit on him now._

Sid:  _I know that.  I was jealous.  I don’t share well evidently._

Tanger:  _Me or him?_

Sid:  _Both._  

Tanger:  _Would you if asked?_

Tanger:  _Sid?_

Tanger:  _It was a joke.  Come on._

Tanger:  _Sid?_

\----

Sunday the Pens pick up where they left off, beating the Lightning 3-1.  Sid has a goal, but Jamie doesn’t get any points.  On Tuesday, the Pens fly to Washington for the start of a three game road trip. 

“So you aren’t going to tell me who this secret meeting is with?” 

Jamie sits on the edge of a bed in their hotel room, watching Sid change into casual clothes.

“No.  It’s a surprise that I know you will like when I can finally tell you about it.  Okay?”

“Secrets, Sid.  Secrets.”

“Yeah.  That argument isn’t going to fly and you know it.  But I’m not hiding something.  I’m just choosing not to tell you about it yet.  Besides, don’t you have a dinner date with Janet?  Not like you’re going to be sitting here all alone while I’m out.”

“Fine.  I guess I just need to trust you.”

Sid walks over and gives Jamie a kiss.  “That’s right.  I’ll tell you all about it at some point.  But not until the season is over.”

“Ugh.”  Jamie falls back onto the bed as Sid picks up his room key and walks out.

\---

Sid walked into the familiar restaurant.  The Maître d' smiles when he looks up from his reservation list. 

“He’s waiting at your usual table, Mr. Crosby.”

Sid thanks him and walks to the booth on the far side of the room.  When he gets to there, the other man stands up and gives him a big hug.  A big Russian bear hug.

“Look like you had good time on break.  You look tanned and happy my friend.”

“It was great Alex.  Thank you so much for letting us use it.”  Sid says as they sit down.

“Was nothing.  I don’t know why I bought it even.  Always too busy to go there very much.  But it is beautiful place, no.”

“Just as beautiful as I remembered.  Even seven years later.”

“My guess is you had much better time than before.  I really think that you never go back to island after what happen on last visit.  Bad memories and all, but this time you with someone who is in love with you.”

Sid winced a little at that.  Alex had put up with a lot of Sid being upset that week when Geno had brought his new girlfriend along on what Sid thought was supposed to be a romantic getaway for the two of them.  It didn’t help that Sid was going through the concussion problems as well at the time.

Sid didn’t let himself dwell on that too much, instead thinking about how much Jamie had liked it there.

“Yeah.  He loved the island, too.  Which is why I asked you out to dinner.”

“You want to use island again?  Maybe for honeymoon?  I can make sure that it is not rented for week or two whenever you tell me.”

“Do you really never use it anymore?  You used to go for a month at least every summer.”

“Have been too busy last couple of years.  And you know, Swede like cold not tropics.  So I don’t like to go so much without him.”

“Right.”  Nicky was strange that way, Sid thought.  He preferred to stay in D.C. or better yet, go to Sweden or Russia in the off season.  He hated the heat.

The waiter came by at that moment to take their order.  Alex ordered for them both, some Russian dish that Sid was sure he’d hate.  Alex loved doing that to him.  The thing was, though, that Alex would order something for himself that he was sure Sid would love, then make a big production about changing meals with Sid.  It was an Alex thing that Sid had just come to endure over the years.  Okay, so he secretly found it cute, but he’d never admit it to that smug Russian.

That chatted a little about the season while they waited for their meals to arrive.  Alex was most interested in Jamie’s point streak and how he was after it ended.  Alex had texted Jamie, who said it was no big deal, but Alex didn’t really believe him.  Sid assured him that Jamie was okay with it ending.

Their meals arrived in short order and Sid had been right.  The food on his plate looked god-awful.  He took one bite and made a horrible face.  Alex switched their plates, giving Sid some fish something or other that was absolutely wonderful.

Sid took a few bites before broaching the subject that he’d come to talk to about with Alex.

“So.  I was wondering, Sasha.  Would you want to maybe sell the island?”

Alex took a big bite of food, chewing it slowly, looking like he was deep in thought while he was doing it. 

“Why?  You maybe want to buy my island?  For baby Penguin?”

“I would.”

Alex laughed.  “But you not able to spend any more time than I am at island.  Busy during season.  Busy during summer.  Why would you want to buy island and not just go visit whenever you want?  It is big responsibility to own an island.”

“It’s not that much responsibility, Sasha.  Your realtor takes care of everything.  Besides, I’ve been thinking about scaling back my off-season commitments.  Maybe just do hockey school and a couple of other things.  Take some time off and actually get away. Jamie has a place on a lake up by Edmonton.  We’d like to spend time there, too.  But he really liked the island.”

Alex grinned across the table at him like the proverbial Cheshire Cat.

“What?  I can do that.”  Sid said, shoving a forkful of the fish in his mouth.

“I am proud of you.  You are growing up finally.  Realize there is more to life than hockey which is what I have tell you for years.”  Alex chides him.  “Is all because of baby Penguin.  He has been good for you.  And you are good for him.”

Sid can feel his face flush as he dips his head.  “Yeah, he may have a little something to do with it.”

Alex gives Sid’s foot a nudge under the table, as he winks at him.  “Little? I've seen remember.  Not so little.”

“Sasha!”

Sid blushes even more, if that’s possible.

“Is good to see you happy my friend.  So long you were unhappy and lonely.  I tell you what.  Why not let me give island to you as gift?”

Sid stops in the middle of taking a bite of food, staring at Alex.

“You can’t be thinking of…”  Sid puts his fork down.  “Sasha that would be way too much.”

Sidney liked doing extravagant things for people, especially people he liked or his close friends, his family.  He’d bought Jamie a new Jeep after all, even though he’d known him only a week or so at the time.  But Alex, he took the extravagant gift giving to a whole new level most of the time.  Okay, not even most of the time.  All of the time.  At least with those he considered family and he considered Sid family.

The biggest thing Alex had ever done for Sid to this point was a multi-million-dollar donation to Sidney’s foundation in honor of Sidney’s 25th birthday.  Sid also knew about such gifts to Geno over the years.  Alex actually bought Geno a boat, a big-ass boat that Geno could use to go deep sea fishing.

Like Sid, Alex had the money to do things that he wanted to do when he wanted to do them.  They were both set financially thanks to lucrative contracts and endorsement deals.  Alex wouldn’t have to worry about his future, even if he went overboard on gifts most of the time.

“Not too much of gift for you, Sidney.  You are good friend to me for a long time.  And not too much to do for baby Penguin.  I make it my wedding gift to you.  Nicky will be happy not to have to go shopping with me for present.  He thinks shopping with me is worse than having teeth pulled.” 

Alex laughed again, a deep, from the gut laugh that made more than a few people look their way.


	28. Not All Dreams Are Bad Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They lay there like that, arms lax at their sides, breathing heavily against each other’s cheeks. Content.
> 
> “I told you. I really don’t want anyone but you, Sidney Crosby. Not even in my dreams.”

The road trip involves three games over a four-day period, meaning lots of travel time and an extra night in a hotel.  After their loss to the Capitals in overtime on Wednesday, the Pens have a quick team meal and fly out of D.C. for Ottawa for the second of back-to-back games.  By the time they get settled into the hotel it is after 1 am. 

Thursday they get to sleep in, with no pre-game skate scheduled. Instead there are off-ice workouts to get loose for the game.  That night they easily beat the Senators, have another quick team meal, and fly out for Detroit.  Late Friday afternoon they practice then have a team meal at the hotel.  Saturday it’s the Red Wings, who give the Pens a tough time, coming back in the third to tie the game at 3 before Culls gets the game winner with just over a minute left.

After the game, it is another quick team meal and a flight back to Pittsburgh, because there is a game scheduled for Monday at Consol against the Capitals.  When he gets home in the early morning hours on Sunday, Jamie is exhausted.  All he wants to do is climb in bed and go to sleep.

There were two big highlights from the road trip.  The first was that the NHL announced the 2017 All-Star rosters, and three of the Pens would be going – Sidney, Jamie, and Flower.  Sidney is going through the fan vote, which means he’ll be captaining the Metropolitan Division team.  Flower, having earned his starting spot back, has been the hottest goalie in the league, so it’s no surprise he was named to the team.  But Jamie.  Jamie is there as a gimmick, he’s sure.  It the NHL trying to show that they support having a same-sex couple in the league, Jamie tells Sid.  Sid points out that Jamie is currently leading the league in assists and overall points.  That, Sid says, is why they picked Jamie for the All-Star game.

The reason Jamie is leading the league in points is due in part to the second highlight from the road trip.  Over the three games, Jamie racked up eight points with two goals and six assists.  In the first four games of the new year, the Pens have out-scored their opponents 16-10 already.  All four lines are scoring, the power play is solid, and the penalty kill is leading the league.

Monday after morning skate, Rutherford, Sully and Mario sit around Rutherford’s desk talking about possible moves with the trade deadline getting closer. 

“A year ago today was a good day for us.”  Sullivan says after they get done going over several different scenarios.  “If we could get another deal like that, I’d be happy.”

Rutherford smiles, “Has it been a year already.  Hard to believe.”

“You know, I didn’t think it was that good when you did it,” Sullivan admits, “at least not part of it.”

Mario can’t help but smile at that, “Hags was the one you wanted and he’s been a good fit, but we got a real steal with the other one didn’t we.”

“I really thought it was a mistake.  I thought we were getting a kid who had problems and was never going to live up to his potential.  Took me a little while to come around, to see what you evidently saw.”

Mario gives a half shrug, “I really wasn’t sure he was going to do well.  I just knew that he was Bill’s kid and I thought he deserved a chance.  All the credit actually should go to Jim for getting him without letting Anaheim know we really wanted Jamie.”

Jim just sat back in his chair, his hands behind his head, elbows out, looking a bit smug.

“One of the best trades I’ve ever made.”

\---

The weather in Pittsburgh takes a turn the last half of January, with record cold temperatures and snow falls reported.  And as cold as the weather is outside, so are the Penguins on the ice.  After taking games against the Capitals and Canadians, the Pens drop three in a row, losing to the ‘Canes in Carolina, then to the Bruins and Blues at Consol.  It’s the first time all season the Pens have lost more than two games in a row.

Jamie struggles over the five games, getting just three points, which allows Benn and Kane to close the gap a little in the points race. 

The last game before the All-Star break finds the Pens in Boston.  Since the back-to-back games with Washington and Ottawa at the beginning of the month, the Pens have played every other day. 

Jamie is tired. 

Sid is tired. 

They haven’t had sex in two weeks. 

Jamie hasn’t even hit up Brian since Jamie and Sid got back from the island. 

On the bus ride to the hotel, Jamie sits by the window watching the snow gently falling.  He finds himself thinking about his first trip to Boston.  The first time he and Sid got together, closing his eyes, he falls asleep with that memory playing in his brain.

Brian waits until everyone else is off the bus before he nudges Jamie awake when they get to the hotel.  Jamie stretches and follows Brian off the bus.  As expected, Sid has already grabbed both their bags and has already got them checked in.  Jamie checks the room number on his keycard, a little disappointed that it’s not the same room they had stayed in on the first trip.

When he opens the door and walks in, the disappointment washes away.  This room, with a single king sized bed is much better than that other room.  Jamie tosses his bag in a chair and flops down on the bed. 

“You want to take a nap before dinner?  I think everybody is planning on just staying in tonight.”  Sid asks as he climbs onto the bed to sit next to Jamie.

Jamie mumbles something into the bed, but doesn’t move.

“Come on, scoot over,” Sid slaps Jamie’s ass lightly to get him to move. 

Jamie pulls a couple of pillows out from under the bed cover, then moves so that he is laying on his side facing the window, his head resting on one of the pillows.  Sid stretches out against Jamie’s back, his head on the other pillow.  Sid reaches out, wraps his arms around Jamie, spooning him. 

“Tanger and Flower will wake us for dinner,” Sid whispers in Jamie’s ear, but Jamie is already asleep.

\---

Half the team ends up in Horny and Hags’ adjoining rooms for dinner, so it takes several carts to deliver all the food they order off the room service menu.  Most of the talk is about what everyone is going to do over the All-Star break.  Some talk centers on the approaching trade deadline.  Rutherford hasn’t made any deals yet, why mess with what they have as long as they are winning they all think. 

After dinner, Sid and Jamie retreat back to their room for a quick shower and to settle in for the night.  Sid grabs Jamie’s laptop and pulls up some videos of the Bruins last few games to watch.  Jamie looks out the window before climbing in bed next to Sid.

“It’s snowing harder.  Think I’ll text Dumes that we’ll skip our run in the morning.”

“That’ll be good, you can sleep in that way.  You look pretty tired, even after getting a good nap today.”

Jamie sends the text, then curls up against Sid, making Sid move the laptop so Jamie can rest his head on Sid’s lap.

“So.  I’ve been thinking.” Jamie rolls so he is looking up at Sid.

“Uh oh.” Sid replies as he lets his fingers run through Jamie’s hair.  “That could be dangerous.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“About?”

“You and Tanger,”

“What do you want to know.  We pretty much covered everything already.”

“What would you think if I said I would like to fuck him?”

Jamie felt Sid’s hand stop brushing against his forehead, and Sid’s breath catch for a split second.

“Do you?”

“I don’t know.  But, I mean, I’ve been thinking about some things.” 

Jamie rolls up so that he is sitting cross-legged, facing Sid.

“Have you ever had a threesome?”

That’s it, Sid thinks, Jamie’s wanting to do a little experimenting of his own.  Well, the kid is only 19 so it is probably just natural.  Sid had been in his early 20’s when he and Kris had first hooked up. Kris, definitely the sexually wild one of the two, had included Sid on several of his adventures. 

“Yes.”

“Really?”  Jamie seemed a bit stunned at Sid’s admission.  “But, you’re kind of, well…”

“Vanilla.  Yes.  And before you ask, I have had more than one.”

“Two guys and a girl I’m guessing?”  Jamie knows that’s the safest thing to have gotten away with for a pro-athlete.

“Yep.  Too risky to do the all guy thing, especially since the other guy was always Tanger.”

“I still can’t believe none of the other guys have ever figured it out.”

“Discretion is the better part of valor.  I told you, we’ve always been very discrete.”  Sid watches Jamie’s expression turn more serious, almost studious, as if he is pondering some deep philosophical dilemma. 

“Have you ever had a threesome, baby boy?”

Jamie blushes, dipping his head to the side and looking almost embarrassed.

“No.”

“But you want to, is that it?  And I’m guessing that you’d like it to be with Tanger.  Or do you want to find a woman to join us?”

Jamie can’t look up.  Can’t seem to force himself to make eye contact with Sid at the moment.  For all of his maturity and confidence, he’s feeling utterly at a loss for words at the moment.  What will Sid think if Jamie tells him the truth.    

Sid cups Jamie’s chin in his hand, making Jamie lift his head so he is looking at Sid again. 

“I think it’s natural for you to want to explore your sexuality.  I’ve told you that.  And you, baby boy, have a lot of sexual energy.  You said you’ve only been with a few people, so I think it’s okay if you don’t want to, or aren’t ready to settle down to just one person.  I’ve told you that.  And if you’d like, I can ask him if he’d want to join us sometime.  Knowing Tanger, he’s gonna jump at the chance.”

“No.  I don’t want that.  And, I know you think so, but don’t feel like I need to explore my sexuality or that I’m missing out on anything because I’m with you.  I’m pretty content with the thought of only being with you.  I don’t even know that I care if I sleep with Dumes at all.  I mean, I don’t know that I really want or need that.”

“Are you sure, it’s okay to tell me if you really want to sleep with Tanger.  It’s okay.  I don’t want you to feel like you can’t do something you want to do, regardless of my relationship with you, or with him.”  This is Sid’s worry about their relationship Jamie knows.  “I don’t want us to be three years in to this and you to think ‘crap I’ve missed out on a lot in my life’ or feel like you didn’t get to experience things that I got to do at your age.  You’re young, an up and coming hotshot in the NHL, you’re gonna have money and fame, baby boy.  That can be pretty exciting and bring about a lot of opportunities for you to explore all kinds of things if you want.  I just don’t want you to have any regrets down the road, you know.”

“You keep saying that, but I don’t think I’m the flashy lifestyle kind, Sid.”

Sid studies Jamie for a minute, thinking over the last year.  Jamie is pretty low-key for the most part, often content to just spend an evening with Sid instead of going out with the boys.

“No, I guess you’re not.  So, back to your question.  Do you want to sleep with Tanger?  Would you want it to be just the two of you, or do you want to try a threesome?  Whatever you want to do, it’ll be okay with me.”

Jamie stretches, pondering what Sid had just said, then climbed over to give Sid a kiss.

“I really don’t want to sleep with him, it would be just weird at this point.  I kind of think of him more as a big brother at this point, ya know.  I just wondered what you’d say, well I wanted to see if you’d say what I expected you to say, and you did.”

Jamie straddles Sid’s legs, settling himself on Sid’s lap so he can drape an arm across Sid’s shoulders, bracketing him against the headboard.

“And, I really don’t think as much as I like sex that I’m into threesomes either.  I just want you, Crosby.”

“Me and Dumo,” Sid smiles at him, grabbing Jamie by the hips, “you can keep Dumo you know.  So you don’t kill me.”

Jamie kisses Sid a few times before he climbs off and sprawls out on his stomach on the bed next to Sid, hugging a pillow as he buries his head into it.

“Okay.  I’ll keep Dumes around.  Just in case I kill you.”

“Thanks. Love you, baby boy.”

“Love you, too.”

\---

Sid’s just about ready to turn in for the night a couple of hours later when he hears Jamie sort of moan in his sleep.  Sid’s instantly on alert, watching to see if Jamie is having a bad dream again.  Sid’s noticed that the dreams have seemed to stop, so he’s worried about why it might be back.  He watches Jamie for a few minutes.  This doesn’t seem to be a bad dream.

Jamie is on his stomach still, one leg raised, his arms wrapped around the pillow under his head.  Jamie doesn’t seem distressed, it’s more like he’s… aroused.

_Jamie’s arms are pulled over his head, his hands tied to a spindle of a headboard, and he’s blindfolded.  He’s lying on a bed, completely naked.  Waiting for something.  For someone.  The door opens with a creak and a minute later the bed dips twice as someone settles in next to him and another person climbs onto the bottom of the bed near his feet._

_Jamie hears someone swear in French, then a pair of hands slide between his knees to press his legs apart.  The person near his feet shuffles on their knees up between Jamie’s legs, spreading him wider, until his is on full display for them.  A body leans over him, hands landing on either side of his chest.  He can feel hot breath against his chest, then his neck, and finally his cheek.  A mouth covers his, lips meeting, tongue pressing in to Jamie’s mouth.  It’s not Sid._

Jamie moans again in his sleep, softly, his lips parting slightly.  Sid thinks about waking Jamie, but he wants to see what Jamie does next.  This definitely isn’t shaping up to be a nightmare.

_Hands spray across his chest, then make their way to Jamie’s hard nipples.  Jamie is aware of the other person’s body brushing against him.  Chest hitting chest. Hips pushing together.  A semi-aroused dick brushing against him.  His own dick starting to get hard due to the sensations coming from the various points of stimulation.  The first person pulls their mouth away from Jamie and a second pair of hands cup Jamie’s face.  There is more warm breath against his cheek, then warm, soft lips… familiar lips… meet his.  Sid._

_The hands sliding up and down his chest stop to pinch and twist his nipples, causing Jamie to moan into Sid’s mouth and arch his back at the moment of pain.  Pain and pleasure.  The hands slide down over Jamie’s abs, brushing over the thin trail of soft hair leading downward.  The hands stop, hovering just above Jamie’s dick, not going any lower.  Jamie wants to lift his hips, wants to seek out those hands, get them on his dick, but he holds still._

Sid notices Jamie’s back arch ever so slightly, pressing his chest against the bed, as Jamie let’s out a small gasp.  Sid rests a hand lightly on Jamie’s back.

“It’s okay, baby boy.” Sid speaks softly.

“Mmmmm…. Sid.”  Jamie murmurs into the pillow.

_Jamie’s breath catches when the palm of one hand covers his dick, pressing gently against it, but he keeps kissing Sid.  Sid pulls back though, his hands no longer holding Jamie’s face.  Jamie raises his head, searching for Sid.  Then, the other person is back, warm breath against Jamie’s check, the brush of a beard against his skin.  Jamie breathes in, a familiar scent of soap and cologne fills his nostrils.  Tanger.  Lips brush together and then they are kissing again.  It’s more familiar this time, not like Sid, but still familiar in some way._

_A hand wraps around Jamie’s dick, Tanger’s hand he now knows.  Jamie feels Tanger’s dick resting against him getting harder.  When Tanger pulls his mouth away again, Jamie murmurs a protest as Tanger licks and kisses a path down Jamie’s neck, down his chest, and then down his abdomen.  All the while Tanger’s hand is slowly working Jamie’s dick, stroking up and down the shaft, rolling his palm over the head, fingers rubbing the sensitive spot along the underside._

_Sid is whispering in Jamie’s ear, soft words, asking if Jamie is okay.  Asking him what he wants Tanger to do to him._

Sid let’s his fingertips traces up and down Jamie’s spine, watching as Jamie pushes his hips towards the mattress.  A slight movement, like he’s pushing into a hand.

“Fuck me.” Jamie groans out, low and almost guttural.  His breath hitching slightly.

Sid leans over, lowering his face til he’s right next to Jamie’s ear.  “You want fucked, baby boy?”

Jamie buries his face into the pillow, moaning a little louder.

Sid starts to lightly kiss and nuzzle the back of Jamie’s neck.

_Tanger kisses around the base of Jamie’s dick before licking a stripe up the underside of the shaft.  His lips part over the tip, letting it slip into his mouth, sliding downward so that he takes all of Jamie’s dick in, mouthing at it gently.  Jamie tosses his head back against the pillows he’s leaning against, his hands clenching and unclenching as he tries to not buck his hips up into Tanger._

_Tanger leisurely works Jamie’s dick in and out of his mouth, letting it slip out every few strokes so he can lick and kiss along the shaft, around the base, burying his nose into the hair covering Jamie’s smooth skin there.  One hand cups Jamie’s balls, rubbing and massaging them.  Tanger’s mouth leaves Jamie’s dick, switching places with his hand so that he can take first one side and then the other side of Jamie’s balls into his mouth, sucking them.  Tanger’s hand presses Jamie’s dick against the side of Tanger’s face, the scrap of Tanger’s beard against the smooth skin making Jamie squirm._

_Tanger pushes Jamie’s knees up to his chest, giving Tanger access to that tight hole.  He slides his mouth down, running his tongue along the sensitive area between Jamie’s balls and ass.  Tanger’s tongue skims over the rim of the opening._

Jamie’s breath catches and he moans lowly again.  Sid lifts his head when Jamie’s whole body shudders. 

_Tanger licks back and forth, his tongue circling around the opening, getting Jamie wet.  Jamie hears Sid talking to Tanger, telling him that Jamie doesn’t need a lot of prep.  That he licks just taking it, rough and hard.  But Tanger doesn’t seem to be in a rush.  He reaches a hand up to Jamie’s mouth, getting Jamie to suck on Tanger’s index and middle fingers.  When Tanger thinks they are wet enough, he brings his hand back down and shoves them into Jamie’s ass in one quick movement._

“More.” Jamie mumbles in his sleep.  “Please, Tanger.”

Sid flinches at that.  Jamie said he didn’t want Tanger that way.  But, that’s who he’s evidently dreaming about. 

Sid starts to lean back over to his side of the bed, but stops.  Fantasy isn’t reality.  He decides to let this play out.

_Jamie lifts his head so he can watch Tanger work his fingers in and out, watch how he licks and sucks at Jamie’s opening as well.  Tanger glances up at Sid, seeking approval to keep going.  Sid leans down and whispers in Jamie’s ear._

_“Harder.” Jamie says._

_Tanger slides a third finger into Jamie, who tries to push his hips against Tanger’s fingers._

_“Hard.”  Jamie pleads.  Tanger’s fingers fuck into him, pushing deeper each time._

Jamie straightens his leg so that he is flat against the mattress.  Sid leans down so his face is right beside Jamie’s.  Jamie’s breath comes in short gasps.

“You want fucked, baby boy.  Tell him to fuck you.  Tell Tanger what you want.”

“Sid.” Jamie whispers into the pillow.

_Tanger pulls his hand out, sitting up on his knees he hooks his arms against the back of Jamie’s knees to get leverage to pick Jamie’s hips up off the bed slightly so he can line his dick up with Jamie’s opening._

_When Jamie feels him there, he keens._

_“Hard, Tanger.  Fuck him hard and deep.” Sid says from somewhere beside Jamie._

_Tanger thrusts in, driving all of his dick into Jamie.  Jamie groans, his head thrown back.  Tanger pulls out and thrusts in again, then starts a frantic pace, pounding into Jamie._

Jamie’s practically humping the bed at this point, grinding his hips into the mattress.  Sid runs his hand down Jamie’s back, slipping it under the waistband of Jamie’s briefs to rub Jamie’s ass.

“That’s it, baby boy.  Tell him how you like it.”  Sid whispers into Jamie’s ear.

“Sid,” Jamie moans, louder this time. 

_“What, baby boy?  What do you want?”  Sid asks, leaning down and kissing Jamie again._

_“You.  Please.  Want to,” Jamie pauses as Tanger thrusts in again. “want you.”_

_“You want me, how?”  Sid motioned for Kris to ease up.  “Jamie, what?”_

_“Sid, please.  I want you.  Please. I don’t want, please.  Please, just you.  Please.”_

“Sid!”

Sid quickly pulls his hand out and shifts his body a little when Jamie abruptly rolls over on to his back.  His eyelids fluttering rapidly.  Sid leans over Jamie, runs his hand up and down Jamie’s chest.

“I’m here, baby boy.  I got you.” Sid’s mouth hovers just over Jamie’s.  He lets their lips brush together.  “What do you need.”

“You.  I need you, Sid.”  Jamie lifts his head, bringing their mouths together.  His arms come up around Sid’s neck, pulling Sid down into the kiss. 

Jamie’s mind is fuzzy, caught between his dream and consciousness.  But the kiss is frantic, wrought with wanton desire. 

“Need you.”  Jamie murmurs when he breaks for air.  “Please, Sid.”

Sid rolls his body on top of Jamie, kissing him again.

“I’m here, Jamie.” Sid says, breaking their mouths apart to kiss Jamie’s cheek.

Jamie opens his eyes, looking up at Sid. 

Sid can feel that Jamie’s hard, his dick pressing against Sid.  Sid’s just as hard, pressed against Jamie where their hips meet.  Sid grinds his hips into Jamie’s hips, rubbing their dicks together through the fabric of their briefs. 

Jamie closes his eyes, swallowing hard.  “Please, Sid.”

Then Sid is kissing him again.  Soft kisses.  Mouths opening and closing against each other making sloppy little smooching noises.

“What were you dreaming about?” Sid asks quietly.

“Tanger.  We were,” Jamie sighs against Sid’s lips. “you were letting him fuck me.”

“Tell me.”  Sid grinds his hips down hard.

“I was blindfolded, and my hands were tied.”  Jamie tells Sid between wet kisses.  “And he would ask you what to do.”

Sid’s not going to last much longer, even though he wants to, but he can tell Jamie’s close, too.  Sid rocks his hips a little faster, feeling the friction push him closer to the edge.

“But,” Jamie kisses him…

“when he was really fucking me hard,” Jamie arches his hips up increasing the pressure on their dicks…

“all I wanted was you.  I kept calling for you.  Wanting you.  Needing you.  Wanting it to be you fucking me.”

“And then, in my dream, it was you.  Tanger wasn’t there, it was just you.”

Sid groans, his body tensing as he comes.  Jamie isn’t far behind.  Sid keeps working their hips together until he feels Jamie relax beneath him, then he lets his own body go limp.

They lay there like that, arms lax at their sides, breathing heavily against each other’s cheeks.  Content.

“I told you.  I really don’t want anyone but you, Sidney Crosby.  Not even in my dreams.”

\---

The storm hitting Boston is far worse than any of the meteorologists had predicted, which has caught the city crews off-guard and they can’t stay ahead of the snow fall with the plows.  By the next morning, the NHL cancels the game between the Pens and Bruins due to the extensive snow fall covering the area.  That means a much needed day off for the team as a whole, but especially Sid, Jamie and Flower as they go into the All-Star break.

The team still all meet downstairs in one of the hotel conference rooms for a buffet breakfast, then some of them head to a make shift gym the training staff have set up in another room.  Jamie and Kris go through their usual workout routine while Sid spends time stretching with Trinca. 

Jamie and Sid spend the afternoon lounging in their room, watching TV.  Sid at one point says he’s going to take a shower and gives Jamie a wink as he gets up and walks across the room.  That leads to Jamie being pushed up against the shower wall a short time later as Sid slowly fucks him until Jamie’s knees go weak.  Afterward they curl up together for a nap before joining the rest of the team for dinner.

On Friday, the worst of the storm has blown through the region and the team is able to fly home to Pittsburgh.  Sid, Jamie and Flower take a second team charter to Los Angeles for the All-Star weekend, where Vero and the girls, along with Sid’s parents, will meet them.  Taylor isn’t going to be able to make it because of school and games.

A couple of hours after their flight lands, they are at the media event surrounded by almost as many reporters as there were covering the Cup finals.  Jamie sits at a table answering questions.  Sid is a couple of tables down and Flower is somewhere past Sid.  Most of the questions are about the Pens chances at repeating as Cup winners, how does it feel to be getting to play in the All-Star game with Sid, and Jamie’s feeling about being in the points race. 

Then, Jamie gets a question that takes him completely off-guard, one that feels like someone hit him with a bat right in the chest.

“Jamie, any comment on the story that just broke on Sportsnet reporting that you were hospitalized in August because of an attempted suicide?” 

All the color drains from Jamie’s face, he stares blankly at the reporter.  He doesn’t recognize the guy, he’s not one of the regulars who covers the Pens. 

Then there are others shouting questions at him.

“Is the report true, Jamie?”

“They are reporting that you overdosed.  Is that true?”

“The report says that it was because you and Sid broke up.  Is that true?  Are you two still together?”

The room starts spinning.  He feels a hand on his arm.  Tries to focus.  Sid.  Sid is next to him.  Jamie knows Sid is saying something, but doesn’t understand the words.  He hears Sid yelling for someone.  Flower.  Flower is there next to him.  Then someone else is there.  Alex.

Hands are getting Jamie up from his chair, ushering him away from the cameras and recorders.  Jamie can’t catch his breath, he’s hyperventilating which makes it hard to stay upright, hard to make his body keep moving.  Jamie leans into Flower.  They get him away from the cameras and out of view of the press. 

Jamie’s legs give out and the others manage to ease him to the floor.  Sid sits behind him, holding Jamie against his chest.  Talking to him in a quiet, calming voice, trying to get through the cloud of panic and anxiety that has engulfed Jamie.


	29. We Are Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex, who is like Sid and always in captain mode, has been on his phone making arrangements for them all to get back to the hotel for a little while. His immediate thought is to get Jamie out of reach of the press until they can read the articles and figure out what exactly needs to be done, either by the team or by Jamie, to address the situation. Alex smiles when he looks up and sees the crowd of players gathering, noticing that they are setting up a sort of protective barrier around his friends who still sit on the floor. Jamie is starting to look better, he thinks, as Jamie and Sid scramble to their feet.

Word about the story spreads quickly among the players hanging around the Staples Center doing their media duties, so it doesn’t take long for a small crowd to surround Jamie and the others, standing a few feet away to act as a barrier against prying eyes and cameras.  Sid’s voice stays low and calm as he continues to sit with Jamie pressed against his chest.  Slowly, Jamie’s breathing is leveling off and the world is coming back into focus.

“You okay?”

Sid glances up for the first time since hitting the floor with Jamie, feeling that he can turn his attention away from Jamie for a bit.  Nicky is bent over next to the two of them, putting his hand protectively on Jamie’s shoulder when Sid looks up.

“Just a little panic attack, huh, Jamie.  Happens sometimes.”  Sid gives Jamie a light squeeze.

“Sorry.”  Jamie says into his chest.  “I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about,” Nicky pats Jamie on the shoulder.  “Don’t tell him I told you, but Sasha used to have horrible panic attacks when he was younger.”

Jamie stares up at Nicky with disbelief.

“No.  It’s true.”

Jamie shifts, leaning away from Sid.

“Think we can get up off the floor?”  Sid asks.

“Yeah.”

Flower has been pacing at the fringe of the group, fielding texts from teammates asking if Jamie has seen the story, then asking if he is alright once Flower tells them Jamie knows about the article.  Flower is also getting texts from Pens management, concerned that Sid and Jamie aren’t answering their calls.  Flower lets them in on the situation with a short ‘dealing with it, will call soon’ response that just leads to more texts from them.  Flower really doesn’t want to have to deal with Rutherford and the others right at the moment.  He keeps an eye of Sid and Jamie the whole time.

Alex, who is like Sid and always in captain mode, has been on his phone making arrangements for them all to get back to the hotel for a little while.  His immediate thought is to get Jamie out of reach of the press until they can read the articles and figure out what exactly needs to be done, either by the team or by Jamie, to address the situation.  Alex smiles when he looks up and sees the crowd of players gathering, noticing that they are setting up a sort of protective barrier around his friends who still sit on the floor.  Jamie is starting to look better, he thinks, as Jamie and Sid scramble to their feet.

A hand clasps Sid’s shoulder from behind, he turns to sees Tyler Seguin and Jamie Benn standing behind him.

“What do you need, Sid?”

“Some water maybe, Segs.  Gonna have him just sit for a minute in the chairs over there.”  Sid nods towards a spot a short distance away.

Segs disappears for just a minute before returning with a bottle of water that he hands to Jamie. 

“Alex is arranging some Uber rides back to the hotel.  A bunch of us are going to go back with you to run interference with the press for you.  They are asking anybody and everybody what they know about the story.”  Segs sees a look of apprehension come across Sid’s face.  “Don’t worry, all they’re getting are a lot of ‘no comments’ from everyone.”

“Don’t you guys still have to do your media obligations?”  Sid knows the Eastern Conference guys should be wrapping up and the Western Conference players should be starting their time with the press.

“We all asked if they could move us back an hour,” Benn replies, “Give things a chance to settle a little maybe?  Some of the guys want to talk to their team PR people before speaking to the media.  Not too many of us are happy about the way they blindsided Jamie.  Some of us are thinking about, I don’t know, would you call it boycotting the media?”

“You can’t do that,” Jamie looks shocked at Benn’s comment.  “Why would you?”

“Because if they did it to you, they’ll do it to somebody else.”  Segs declares matter-of-factly.  “Look.  We need to all talk.  The players as a group.  But not here.  We’ll fill you in back at the hotel.”

\---- 

When they get to the hotel, a group of reporters and fans are waiting outside so the others again form a protective ring around Jamie to usher him to the elevators.  When they get upstairs, Sid really appreciates the fact that he had the team book them adjoining rooms with Flower and Vero so that there is a room where Jamie can get away from everyone.  Everyone except Alex, of course, who stays in the room, sitting between Jamie and the opening to the other room in order to ensure that no one comes in, and also to keep a protective eye on Jamie.   

Sid checks his phone, there are numerous messages, including one from the Pens PR staff telling him to keep Jamie off the internet.  Sid sends back ‘too late’ and a sad face emoji.  Then he answers texts from most of the rest of team, before excusing himself to go find a quiet place to call Rutherford.

Jamie makes two phone calls himself.  The first is to Diane St. Croix, who has been leaving him frantic messages.  She was called by a local sports reporter when the story broke, asking for comments and confirmation about it happening in their barn.  Neither she nor Luc would give any comments, refusing to even answer their phone if they didn’t recognize the number.  Jamie apologized over and over again for getting them involved in this, but Diane keeps telling him not to worry, and that if he needs them to say anything or to just be there to support him that Jamie is to call. 

Jamie’s second call is the tougher of the two that he felt he needed to make. 

“Is it true?  Did you do that?” The voice on the other end of the line sounds sad.  Jamie hears the hurt, the disappointment.

“Yes.  But not for any of the reasons they’ve been saying.”

“Then why?  Why would you do that?”

“I don’t know, Jared.  The medication was doing crazy things to my brain, and,” Jamie sighs, “and I was drinking a lot.  That didn’t help.   But it wasn’t because of my relationship with Sid, or with anything to do with being out.  Nothing that they are saying in the articles about that part is true.”

“After what you told me about your best friend and how you felt about what he did, how could you…”

“I know, Jared, I know.  I’m sorry.  I don’t know why other than it was the medication and alcohol.  I don’t think, I don’t believe that hurting myself was what I really meant to do.  I don’t think that’s the way to deal with problems at all.”  Jamie isn’t about to be totally honest with Jared about what happened, telling him instead what he knows is going to be the official comments on the incident.  Above all, Jamie doesn’t want to lose Jared as a friend, but he fears he might have.  This being a mentor and role-model is not the easiest thing in the world, Jamie has discovered.  Not when you’re not perfect.

“Look, I swear, it has nothing to do with being out.  That really hasn’t been an issue, sure there are some guys who don’t like it, or some fans, there are always going to be haters.  This is something that you can do, you can play in the NHL someday and be openly gay.  None of this changes that, I won’t let it.”

Jamie is feeling better about his friendship with Jared, with the thought that Jared won’t give up on his dream to play in the NHL. 

\---

The afternoon that the story broke, Jamie learned something about hockey, well about hockey players, NHL players to be specific.  Hockey was a world unto itself and hockey players were a unique fraternity, no, a unique family.  The core of each player’s family was, of course, their team, but then their family spread out, across divisions and conferences, across the league, across countries. 

There were of course, those that didn’t feel this way about their fellow players, but for the most part, this was how many of the players viewed the league.  They were fierce competitors on the ice, rivals to the bitter end, and they fought amongst themselves like all families do, but god help the outsider who goes after one of the family.

By the time they are ready to head back over to the Staples Center for the evening concerts, fireworks, and other family events, several things have been worked out.

First.  Sullivan, who will be coaching the Metropolitan Division, is on his way to Los Angeles after a brief stop in Pittsburgh for team business.  He is coming on a charter along with Chris Stewart and the Pens’ medical team, who have been selected to work the All-Star game as well.  Saturday morning, Sullivan, Rutherford, and the Pens’ PR department will have a conference call with Sid and Jamie to determine how the Pens will address the story. 

Second.  The NHLPA has called a meeting for Saturday morning prior to that conference call, which has the league and team management people a bit uneasy.  The players won’t say what the topic of the meeting will be, other than that they will be issuing a statement regarding media relations.  Jamie tries to tell the guys there that he doesn’t want this to be a big deal.  He wants to just make a statement that yeah, it happened, and then move on, but Benn and the others want to make a statement.

Finally.  Just as they did to get Jamie back to the hotel, the other players and their families are going to make sure that Jamie and Sid get to enjoy the Friday evening activities without being bothered by the press.  That night at the concert they intend to form a protective cocoon around the Crosby and Fleury families, which actually helps Jamie relax for the first time since he found out about the story. 

\---

That evening Jamie takes in the concert and fireworks with Estelle Fleury perched on his shoulders. 

There are pictures and video taken of them, from a respectable distance, of course.  Jamie is also the topic of discussion for a short time on NBCSN, who have the broadcast rights to all the All-Star coverage.

At one point Jamie hears somebody telling who he assumes is a reporter that Jamie and Sid are not talking to any press.  Jamie looks over the group of people to see a familiar face.

“Hey, Saader, it’s okay.  You can let them through.  They’re friendlies.”  Jamie yelled over the noise.

Michelle Crechiolo and her cameraman make their way over to where the three Pens are standing.

“Hey guys, is it okay if we get some video and a short interview to put up on the website?  Jen wasn’t sure, but she said to come find you tonight.  Didn’t know we’d have to get through your bodyguards.”

Sid giggled, “Yeah, they are an over protective bunch aren’t they.”

The interview goes really well, with no talk at all about what happened earlier that day, which Michelle witnessed from the press side.  The highlight of the interview, some good natured chirping.

“Jamie, how do you think you are going to do in the skills competition tomorrow?”

“Well, I heard the captain of the Metropolitan team has ideas about me doing the accurate shooter competition.  Heard he wants me to shoot blindfolded and backhand, or something like that.”  Jamie gives Sid a nudge.

“I have nothing but the utmost confidence in Jamie’s shooting skills,” Sid proclaimed proudly.

“What about Marc-Andre?  What competition are you going to put him in?”

Before Flower or Sid can answer, Jamie chirps, “Fastest skater, of course.  Flower is a speed demon on the ice.  I think Sid’s got him listed to skate against Johnny Gaudreau.”

“I could beat Johnny Hockey, and I can beat you,” Flower chirps back.

“I could beat you even if I was wearing all your goalie equipment,” Jamie shoots back.

To which Sid just rolls his eyes.

“You think Flower will do well in that skill?”  Michelle asks, playing into the guys’ fun.

“I think I can beat them both, wearing the goalie gear and skating backwards.”  Sid smiles.

\---

After the festivities end, they all go out to dinner as a group.  Jamie, feeling guilty because to him the All-Star game is supposed to be for the fans, stops to sign autographs against the advice of almost everyone else.  But no one questions him about the story, and it doesn’t take much coaxing for the others to start signing and talking selfies, too. 

Dinner at the steak and seafood house they end up at is great.  No press in sight and nothing but friendly fans who politely respect their privacy until the players offer to sign autographs at the restaurant, as well.  Jamie even let’s himself enjoy a dessert, something Sid never has trouble doing.

Estelle insists on getting a piggy-back ride on Uncle Jamie as they make their way back to the hotel, which is a several block walk.  By the time they get there, she is sound asleep with her head on his shoulder.

It’s not late when they get back, so Sid and Jamie offer to host after dinner drinks in their room for Tyler and Jamie, as well as Alex and Nicky.  Flower and Vero will also be joining them once they get the girls into bed.  Everybody agrees that they want to be comfortable so they all head to their own rooms to change and then meet back up.

Jamie is in the shower when Segs and Bennie get back.  They settle into a couple of chairs while Sid fixes them a drink.  They hear the shower turn off and expect Jamie to come out in his sweats.  Instead he walks out in just a towel.

“Oh holy mother of god,” Tyler says into his glass as he takes a sip of whiskey. 

“Jamie, really?”  Sid groans.

“I feel for you, Sid.  I have one of those, too.”  Benn nods at Seguin.

“You love it.  Besides, we live in locker rooms, what haven’t they seen before on someone, come on.”  Jamie rebukes as he drops the towel.

Tyler about chokes on his drink at that.  “You are one fucking lucky man, Crosby.”

“Segs, I’m sitting right here,” Benn asserts, rather loudly.

“What’s that saying, Chubbs, just because I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at a menu.”

“Thank you.”  Jamie smirks, giving Sid a wink.  “Nice to be appreciated.”

“I appreciate you, baby boy.  More than you know.”  Sid stops to give Jamie a peck on the cheek as he walks past him to answer the knock at the door.

Alex and Nicky walk in, and Alex gives Jamie a once over as Jamie is just pulling his sweatpants up.

“Showing off again, baby Pen?”  Then Alex looks over at the two Dallas Stars.  “Nice.  No?”

“Jesus, Sid, we do have a lot in common.  Alex has seen both our boyfriends naked.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good thing to be able to say, Chubbs.”

“Hey, kid, did he write on your ass with marker, too?”  Tyler winks at Alex.

“Alex, I’m hurt. I thought that was our thing?”  Jamie feigns a mock hurt look.

“Is baby Penguin.  You much cuter ass.  He just jealous that I never write on him.”

“How does he know about it then?”  Jamie is confused now by Tyler’s comment.

“What happens in Vegas, NEVER stays in Vegas.”  Tyler smiles, giving Alex a high-five.

“Alex!  Fucking Russian!”

It’s relaxing, just sitting and visiting with friends.  The chirping reaches epic levels at times, with smack talk about the skills competition and upcoming games on Sunday.  They avoid talk of trades and the expansion draft, unpleasant subjects in general. 

Jamie is hoping that the Metropolitan ends up playing the Central Division in the finals so they can play against Benn and Seguin.  But before that can happen, they need to get through Saturday morning.

\---

Jamie falls asleep that night curled up beside Sid, his head on Sid’s shoulder and his face nuzzled against Sid’s neck.

Around 3 in the morning, Sid wakes because Jamie is restless next to him, Jamie’s head tossing side-to-side.  It’s the first time in quite a while that Sid knows of Jamie maybe having a bad dream. 

Sid rolls onto his side facing Jamie, propping himself up on one elbow.  With his other hand, he brushes the hair back off Jamie’s forehead.

“Sssshhh… it’s okay, baby boy.”  Sid murmurs as he leans over to kiss Jamie’s cheek.  “I’m right here.”

It takes a few minutes for Jamie to settle back down, but eventually he does without ever completely waking up.  Sid lets his arm rest across Jamie’s chest as he shifts so he’s pressed up against Jamie’s side before he falls back asleep himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come find me on Tumblr under PensToTheEnd there too!


	30. Not How I Expected Him To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That afternoon, Jamie sits quietly while the media listen to Dr. Vyas explain the medical aspects of what happened via video conferencing. He listens as the doctor goes over how the medication worked, the increasing doses in order for the drug to build up to a certain level in your system. Vyas told them that the drug caused an adverse psychotic episode, but didn’t go as far as to confirm the attempted suicide. The reporters asked a few questions and then waited for Jamie to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it has been taking me so long between updates... thanks for hanging in there and staying with the story. I will try to post more often, getting my life back to normal... 
> 
> There is talk of suicide and suicidal thoughts, and depression, in this chapter... I hope I did it justice without getting overly wrapped up in it... 
> 
> Let me know what you think about my story... comments and kudos always greatly appreciated! Thanks again for reading!

“So,” Flower says after the elevator doors close and the three of them are alone on their way to the breakfast meeting, “you are looking very relaxed this morning, Grasshopper.”

“Why yes, Master Flower, I am feeling very relaxed this morning.” Jamie reaches over and pinches Sid’s ass.  “It has been a good morning.”

Sid jumps and swats playfully at Jamie’s hand.  “Stop it.  Or this morning will be the last relaxing you do for the weekend.”

Sid’s trying his hardest to keep a stern face, but the smiles on Jamie and Flower’s faces are contagious.  They all step off the elevator laughing.

“Well if it isn’t the man of the hour.” Comes a call across the lobby.  Jamie turns to see Couture and some others.

Sid stops to wait for them, which annoys Jamie.  Couture is an asshole and Jamie really doesn’t want to deal with his bullshit this early. 

Couture waits until he is right next to Jamie before he speaks again, “Quite the to-do for a fag.”

Jamie starts to step up on Couture, when an arm came across his chest to hold him back.

“He’s not worth it.  Ignore him.”

Jamie turns towards the person restraining him, shocked that it’s Brent Burns.  Couture glares at Burns.

“You need to take your fucking hands off me.”  Jamie says stiffening, thinking that Burns is just distracting him so Couture can take a swing.

Burns doesn’t move, and Couture and the others walk into the meeting room without saying anything further.

“I said you need to let go of me.” Jamie growls at Burns.

Burns drops his hands to his sides.  “Look, I’m not the enemy, kid.  Logan’s a real piece of work.  Thinks he’s fucking god’s gift to hockey sometimes.  And he’s pretty bigoted.  We’ve been trying to give him an attitude adjustment, but we haven’t had a lot of success.  But he’s not worth getting suspended, or arrested, cause you know you beat the shit out of him off the ice, he’d press charges.”

Burns starts to walk away at that, “and trust me, on or off the ice, my money’s on you in a fight.”

Jamie stands there, dumbstruck.  He looks at Sid, who just shrugs his shoulders and follows Burns into the meeting room.

Jamie glances around the lobby.  A group of reporters is milling about a short distance away.  Jamie wonders how much of that exchange any of them heard, how much of it makes it into the news later that day.

\----

 _Private Meeting – NHL Players ONLY_.

The sign on the closed door has plenty of people speculating on the exact nature of an impromptu players meeting at the All-Star game. 

There is some concern from the press, as they’ve heard the grumblings last night about the way a player was treated by them.  But, they still had fairly free access to all the players at the Friday night activities, with Sid and Jamie being the only two who didn’t talk to anyone outside of the Pens’ media people.  Even Fleury spoke to them and did an interview with NBCSN during their broadcast.  So maybe the meeting is about something else.

The management present are a bit more concerned with the meeting.  None of the players are saying anything to them.  This can’t possibly be good they think.  The players very rarely hold unscheduled meetings during the season.  The current CBA doesn’t expire until 2022.  They wouldn’t be talking about Olympic play yet, it’s still a year and a half away.  Someone suggests it is related to the media and the story about the Pens player’s attempted suicide.  Long-term effects of concussions may also be a topic.  But they were already talking with the league about that issue, so why the hasty meeting?  What troubled then the most was that none of the players were talking about the meeting.

\----

Sid and Jamie grab plates of food off the buffet then find Flower sitting at a table with Alex and Nicky, and Carey Price and Shea Weber.  Jamie goes off to find some coffee and juice before sitting down.

“How’s he doing today?” Price asks Sid once Jamie is out of ear shot.  He and Weber had been two of the players who’d helped keep the media away the previous night.

“Good.  I don’t know, but he seems pretty okay with everything this morning.”  Sid watches Jamie walk across the room.

“Well, I can see that.” Carey glances at Weber who nods.  “We got the okay to tell him about one of our kids who has been dealing with a bought of serious depression.  Let him know he’s not alone.”

Sid gives Price a puzzled look.

“Gallagher.”

Price fills Sid in about Brendan Gallagher’s troubles over the last year.  After being made an Alternate Captain, Gally messed up his hand blocking a shot in November 2015 which caused him to miss an extended time.  He ended up only playing 53 games in the 2015-16 season because of surgeries and rehab.  Gally had struggled with depression due to the injury and feeling like he was letting the team down.  Things were better this year, but the Habs had been worried most of last year about him.

“I think that even though he’s back, the depression is still there.  He almost lost hockey because of the injury.  I think that weighs on him sometimes, that he’s seen that part of the game.”

“Like you?”  Flower asks.  “And how are you doing after the big injury last year?”

Carey smiles at his fellow goalie, “I am fine.  And I’m not a 19-year-old or 20 something at the start of their career.  If I hadn’t played again I’d have managed.  Having the new baby helped me realize that.”

Jamie returned then with a tray of drinks, several juices and coffee, so the conversation changed to talk of families and kids.  Once everyone was there, Segs stood and called the meeting to order.

“Okay.  Let’s get started.  First, Sid and Jamie wanted to thank everyone who helped with press control last night so that they could enjoy themselves.”  That got a few cheers and chirps out of the room.  “Okay, now to get down to why we’re here this morning…”

That’s when Jamie stands up, which puzzles Sid, and makes Tyler stop talking.

“Um.  If it’s alright, I’d like to say a few things, Segs.” 

“You have the floor,” Tyler says as he sits back down.

“Thanks.  And as Segs said, thank you everybody for your help yesterday.  I, uh, I get panic attacks sometimes, when I get upset and more or less getting jumped by the press was a little upsetting.  But, today is a new day as they say.  I made some phone calls last night and this morning, talked to my counselor and others.  They helped me realize a few things.  First, though, what the article reported, yeah, that was true.  While there are some wrong things, and a few out-right fabrications about our locker room dynamics, what it says about me trying to kill myself last year is true.”

Jamie pauses a moment, looking around the room to gauge the response to that.  There are a lot of looks of empathy, a few like Couture who look smug. 

“So now everyone knows what I did.  Something private and extremely personal about my life that I didn’t want to ever come out, I mean, who would.  Dealing with depression isn’t something any of us are probably comfortable dealing with, right.  I thought it would be the worst thing in the world for anyone to know what I’ve kept inside for so long.”  Jamie smiles lovingly at Sid and Flower.  “But you know what.  It isn’t. The sun still came up today.  I’m still in the NHL.  I still have Sid.  Nothing in my life has really changed except people know about the depression and what happened last year.”

“Everyone I’ve talked to about how it came out agree that it was wrong.  Which I thought was why we were having this meeting.  I know Segs said something about a media boycott or a blackout, or whatever.  But here’s the deal.  We can’t control the press and what’s probably even truer is that we can’t control the internet.  The story was released on Sportsnet, but if it hadn’t been, it would have come out on Deadspin or one of the other shithole tabloid sites.”  Jamie sees lots of heads nod in agreement to that.

“Should they have given our PR, or at least my agent, a heads-up before they released the article, probably, but it doesn’t matter.  The reporter that wrote it worked for those tabloids before, I don’t think he was in our locker room for any other reason than to get some sensationalized story on Sid and me.  He couldn’t get credentials working for them, so he went to work for a legitimate news site.  Anyway, if we do this media blackout, we just piss off a bunch of people for doing their jobs.  The reporters we see every day, that play by the rules for the most part.  They were just going off the story, I don’t think any of them knew that I didn’t know about it.  They all probably thought the Pens had gotten a heads-up because that’s what they would have done.”

Jamie pauses again.

“I don’t want or need for anything to be done, for any statement to be made by the PA.  We know that the league has taken this as a serious issue.  We know that our teams have support systems and programs in place, that they’ll do what they can to help us with our issues.  Christ, the Pens put my counselor from when I was in Edmonton on the payroll so she could see me as often as needed.  That’s a lot for them to do for a rookie.”  Jamie chokes up a little and stops to clear his throat.

“So, I’m looking around and I see some guys not eating and some fidgeting like they want to be somewhere else.  I suspect that for a few, they want to go enjoy the day with their families.  I mean, it’s the All-Star weekend, we’re supposed to be here having fun and relaxing.” He gives Sid a wink, making Sid look down and blush.  “I know that Sid and I would rather be having breakfast with his parents, no offense to you guys, and Flower, I’d like to have Vero and my girl here.”  That gets some chuckles.

“I can’t make this go away, it’s out there now.  I’ll do a press conference, tell the media what they want to hear and move on.  Let’s just go have a fun weekend and enjoy the time with friends and family.” 

Jamie sits down and waits for the room’s reaction.  That was more talking in front of people than he’s done in a long time.  Sid is looking at him with a look that Jamie can’t describe any way other than with pride, and well, love, too.

“Well, we were going to talk about the blackout, and something else, but I don’t think we need to do either anymore.”  Tyler says as he stands up.  “Does anyone else have anything to offer?  Thoughts on what Jamie said?”  No one speaks up.  “Okay.  Then let’s do as Jamie suggested and go have some fun this weekend.”

While no one had said anything in front of the group, a lot of players came up and shook Jamie’s hand, offering him their support and telling him how impressed they were with how he had rebounded from the day before.  More than one said that either they or someone they knew had dealt with depression.  Jamie just took it all in.

Sid texted his parents and Flower called Vero to tell them to come down for breakfast.  Carey’s wife soon joined them with the baby, as well.  They ended up pushing a bunch of tables together because some of the other players wanted to join the group for breakfast, too. 

There was a lot of joking, story-telling, and good-natured ribbing as they sat around the tables eating and talking.  At one point, Jamie looked across at Seguin and Benn sitting next to each other.

“What?” Benn asked, noticing Jamie staring.

“Nothing, just,” Jamie smirked, “same side of the table, s’ cute.” 

Benn’s mouth dropped open at Jamie’s impersonation of Benn’s video.  Tyler slapped Benn on the back, laughing loudly.  “He’s got you down pat, Chubbs!”

\----

That afternoon, Jamie sits quietly while the media listen to Dr. Vyas explain the medical aspects of what happened via video conferencing.  He listens as the doctor goes over how the medication worked, the increasing doses in order for the drug to build up to a certain level in your system.  Vyas told them that the drug caused an adverse psychotic episode, but didn’t go as far as to confirm the attempted suicide.  The reporters asked a few questions and then waited for Jamie to speak.

“Yes.  I tried to kill myself.”  Jamie bluntly.  “What I’m going to tell you is something that Dr. V can’t, because unlike some people,” he glares at Camden, the reporter who wrote the story, “he has to abide by privacy laws.”

“I was mixing alcohol with the anti-depressant.  I know that isn’t the smartest thing to do, but I did it.  I was alone up in Edmonton and I was celebrating the cup and my birthday.”  Jamie takes a sip of his water. “Also, before anyone asks, I was cleared completely to play last spring, following the hit in the Washington game.  The Pens medical staff, and Dr. Matt Wheatley, who I was seeing for post-concussion symptoms, would never have let me play if I wasn’t physically okay.  The symptoms had gone away, then they came back.  It happens.  They were treating me for headache issues as Dr. V described to you.  I had a bad reaction to the medication combined with the alcohol and well, what happened happened.”

Some of the reporters raised their hands, other shouted out a question.  Jamie ignored them and just kept talking.

“This is hard for me to admit, but I know you all want to know.  I’ve dealt with clinical depression for some time now.  A couple of years ago, I went through a lot of things that well, I had a hard time dealing with them. I… for a long time it seemed, I’d fight with that little voice we all have in our heads, the one that controls our impulses and our actions.  It would tell me to do it, to just end it, that I could be with… with somebody I loved who’d died.  And every day, I’d fight that voice down.”

“When I started taking the second medication, I had some bad side effects.  It made me jittery and I wasn’t sleeping.  I told the doctors who said that was normal, that it usually went away after a few weeks if you could hold out and let your body adjust to the medication, so I went with that.  But they didn’t go away, and with the drinking, it got worse.  I started hearing and seeing, well, that voice in my head, I started to hear and see my best friend from when I was growing up.  Kyle St. Croix.  Kicks, he um, he died two years ago in December.  He was…”  Jamie’s voice cracked, “the first person I ever fell in love with.”

Jamie took a minute to wipe his eyes and take a sip of water.  The room was strangely silent this time, waiting for him to continue.

“I heard Kicks.  I saw him.  He was telling me to just do it, so I could be with him.”  Jamie knew he was lying, but this was the story that had to come out.  He had to make sure Sid didn’t know the truth and if he didn’t put this story out there, the press would just keep digging to get more.

“So I went to his parents’ house, to their barn where we’d played hockey and worked out.  If… if they hadn’t come out and found me, well, things would have ended differently.”

Jamie looked down at the table, collecting himself again, before looking up. 

“Jamie, did you tell anyone about the hallucinations?” Jamie wasn’t sure who asked it.

“No.  I didn’t tell the doctors.  I saw my counselor the day I had the cup and didn’t tell her.  Sid was there that afternoon, and Brian Dumoulin had come to Edmonton to celebrate with me.  I am also going to tell you that the article got a few things wrong, namely that there is or was a problem between Sid and me.  I was in Edmonton to take care of some personal business.  I had to get my parents’, my house, cleaned out and put on the market.  I had some other property I needed to check on as well.  Sid didn’t go with me because he had commitments in Cole Harbour and some other places.  He was there with me for my birthday and cup day, however, as was Dumes.  As I said, I lost Kicks, but I also lost my parents a little over three months later, so I didn’t have family to celebrate with, so Dumes came to spend some time with me, too.”

“Look, I really don’t want to answer any questions.  I’ve told you what happened and addressed the one issue that I wanted to, about my relationship with Sid.  We are still together and everything is and was fine.  Our relationship had nothing to do with what happened.”  Jamie looked at Camden again.  “But I want to tell you one more thing, before I’m done.”

“I told you I’d had those types of thoughts before.  I would fight them down.  Some days it was harder to do it than others, but I did it.  After last August, things have actually been better.  I have a lot of support and love from a lot of people that gets me through days.  I have a team that has gone above and beyond to get me the help I need to deal with my depression.  Does that mean that I am better?  No.  I still have days where the thought comes back, even on really good days, it fills my head.  It had been easier to fight down and hadn’t been there every day, so I guess I can say I had been doing better even if I wasn’t completely better.  But then yesterday, when this all came out, I got blindsided with it, although there was no way some of you could know that I had no idea the article was out there.”

Jamie cleared his throat again and took a deep breath, releasing it slowly.  This was going to be the hard part.

“Last night, and this morning, too.  The thoughts were there.  They were really there.  If you only knew, if you understood, what having people know about something so personal, so private… it’s why people with depression hide it… because of the fear, the being judged, worrying what people think about you… the comments of ‘what do you have to be depressed about’ the ‘get over it’ the ‘just change your attitude’… it’s not that easy… it’s not something that… “

Jamie swallowed again, trying to stay in control.  “whatever… but it took all I had to fight down that impulse today… I fought it harder… harder than I have had to in months…” the tears were in his eyes, his voice faltering as he talked.

“I have a great support system in place, so I could fight down that impulse.  I have my counselor.  I have my teammates.  I have Sid.”  Jamie sniffled, nearing his breaking point.  “I want you to think about that when you write your articles… when you think about writing a story about a player who is going through something tough, when you want the good gossip or sensationalism… think about it if you find out about someone else who may have done what I did and lived as well… think about it… what would have happened if I didn’t have that support… what if the next person in this situation doesn’t have that help… would I have… would they have given in to their demons if they got blindsided like I did… or even just because the news was out there…”

With that, Jamie pushed his chair back and stood up.  “Thank you for listening.  We’re done.”

When he got to him, Jamie melted into Sid’s arms, letting the emotions take over, sobbing gently.

“I am so proud of you.”  Sid kissed Jamie’s cheek.  “That had to be the hardest thing to do, but you did really well.  Come on, let’s go have some fun before we have to go to the skills competition.”

Jamie let Sid lead him out of the room.

\----

Tanger:  _How is he doing?  Saw the press conference.  Not how I expected him to be at all.  Very controlled for the most part.  I think he handled them well._

Sid:  _We're fine.  Doing great.  He kind of lost it when he got done, but it passed really quickly.  I thought he did well, too.   And, not how I expected him to be at all either.  Very controlled.  I think it says a lot about where he is now compared to where he was back in August._

Tanger:  _Okay.  He sounded better when I talked to him after it, but just wanted to make sure with you.  Have fun tonight._

Sid:  _Thanks.  See you in a few days._


	31. Wedding Day - Part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taylor has her ear pressed against the locker room door. They haven’t heard anything from the room.
> 
> “What are they saying? Can you hear anything?” Brian asks again.
> 
> “Nothing. Which I guess is good. It means they’re not yelling.”
> 
> “You don’t think that they’ll call this off?”

“So everything you’ve said about what happened last August has been a lie.  What you’ve told me.  What you’ve said publicly.  All of it, a lie.”

Jamie ducks his head to his chest, afraid to look at Sid.  Afraid of what he’ll see in Sid’s eyes.

“Not completely.”

“Okay, but not completely the truth either.  After all the times I’ve asked you, begged you to tell me, I hear it from Tanger.  And today of all days.”

That makes Jamie jerk his head up.

“He told you?  Fucker.  He swore he wouldn’t.”

“Well maybe he figured we shouldn’t have anything hanging out there between us when we do this.  And I have to agree.”

“So then we are calling this off.” Jamie can hardly say the words. 

“No.  That’s not what I said.  Or what I want.  But I want to make sure that you’re okay.”

Sid crosses the distance between them, sitting down next to Jamie on the bench.

“I’ve asked you before, and you’ve brushed me off every time, refused to tell me what really happened, about the nightmare.  No more.  You are going to tell me what Tanger already did, I need to hear it from you.”

“Why?  If you already know, what difference does it make if I say it?” 

Sid slips his arm around Jamie’s shoulder, tugging him closer.

“Because it’s what you need, not me.  You need to get it out, baby boy.”  Sid presses a kiss to Jamie’s forehead.  “Trust me.  It’ll be okay.  I’m not going anywhere.”

Jamie pulls away, shrugging out from underneath Sid’s arm to stand up and walk across the room.

“You say that, but how can I be sure.  How can I trust that you won’t leave, when…”

\----

Taylor has her ear pressed against the locker room door.  They haven’t heard anything from the room.

“What are they saying?  Can you hear anything?”  Brian asks again.

“Nothing.  Which I guess is good.  It means they’re not yelling.”

“You don’t think that they’ll call this off?”

“No.  I don’t know.  Maybe.  Something’s up.”

Taylor turns and starts down the hallway.

“We need to go find Tanger.  He was supposed to be taking care of Sid.  We need to find out what’s going on and I’m guessing he knows.”

\----

Taylor and Brian walk into the Pens locker room to Flower yelling at Kris.

“Why did you tell Sid all of this today?”  Flower punches Kris in the arm.

“Ow!  Fucker, don’t hit me.”  Tanger slugs him back.  “Sid needed to know what Jamie’s been keeping from him since Edmonton.”

“Today?  You had to tell him today?”  Taylor yells at Kris as she crosses the room.  “Didn’t he make you promise not to ever tell Sid?  And you decide to break that promise today?”

“Sid needed to know.  They can’t go into this with that hanging over them.  Jamie can’t, it’s what’s been killing him for weeks now.  You’ve all seen how he’s been.  It wasn’t a points race or the fucking play-offs.”  Tanger storms over to his stall and sits down in a huff.  “God, it’s been killing me not telling Sid, or any of you.”

Taylor stands, glaring at Kris.  “I promised him, too.  And I kept my promise.  How could you, god I hope you haven’t fucked all of this up completely.”

Flower and Brian stand there in a state of total confusion.

“What do both of you know that we don’t?  What did you tell Sid?”  Flower demands.

“Get the others.  I guess I should tell you all at the same time.”  Kris studies Taylor for a moment, “It’s already out, they should know, too.”

“He’s going to hate you, you know that, right?”  Taylor says as she takes her phone out and starts texting her mom and dad.  Brian is texting Kuni, Geno and Duper.

Taylor’s facial expression sends a shiver up Kris’ spine, she looks like Sidney when he’d told him.  Anger flashing in her eyes.  Sid’s anger had been because Kris had kept this information from him.  Taylor’s anger was because he had told Sid.  When it came right down to it, Kris knew, however, that he’d done the right thing.  They would both get over it he hoped.  He wasn’t so sure Jamie would forgive him, though.

Five minutes later, Sid’s closest friends and family are gathered in the Pens locker room.  They sit and listen as Kris and Taylor fill them in on what happened in August, what really happened. 

\----

They are discussing what they need to do next, questioning if someone should go and check on Sid and Jamie, or if they should wait.  It's been almost twenty minutes at this point. 

Just then Kris phone chimes with a text notice.  A second later the others' phones all come to life as they get the notification as well.

Sid:  _Stall for another 15 minutes please._

Sid:  _Wedding still on.  Everything okay._

There are many sighs of relief.  Duper and Geno instantly spring in to action, heading out to let everyone know there will be a slight delay in the start of the ceremony.  They are debating a good reason as they head out.

Kris' phone chimes then.

Jamie:  _Fuck you._

Well, that is to be expected, he thinks.  But at least Sid said the wedding was still on so they must have talked things out.  Jamie can hate him if he wants.

A few minutes later Kris' phone chimes again.

Jamie:  _Good thing I love you._

 


	32. You're An All-Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Marsh did have a good game,” Mike Milbury starts to say when McGuire cuts him off.
> 
> “Good game? He had four goals and three assists, that means he was in on more than half of the Metropolitan’s goals. He also leads the league in assists and is the current overall points leader. He’s showing signs of being one of the best two-way forwards in the league this year and exhibited some amazing backchecking skills tonight. I think he was the real star of tonight’s game and should have been the MVP and not Ovechkin.”

The couple of hours between the press conference and the skills competition are spent just hanging with the family. 

The skills competition that night turns out to be a lot of fun.  Even Sid, who isn’t a big fan of being at the All-Star game gets into it, admitting to Flower that it’s a lot more fun being there with Jamie than it has been any other time.  He is pleasantly surprised that Jamie is able to really relax and enjoy himself, as well.

When the players are introduced, Jamie gets a resounding welcome from the crowd and the other players and there are a number of signs around the arena in support of Jamie and the Bell Let’s Talk movement.  Jamie just ducks his head in embarrassment and raises his stick to acknowledge the crowd.

Alex and Flower are discussing their strategy on who will stick close to Jamie at different points of the night, setting it up so that one or the other is always with him when he isn’t involved in a skill event.  They don’t want some idiot, like Couture, or someone from the press saying something that will upset Jamie.  Sid thinks they are being a little overprotective, he and Jamie had a long talk after the press conference and Jamie is doing fine, but neither Alex nor Flower seem keen on letting Jamie get very far from their protective bubble.  So while Sid is busy with Steven Stamkos, the fan-voted Captain of the Atlantic Division team, doing Captain things, they will look out for Jamie all the same, thank you. 

Once they have it worked out, they turn to go find Jamie on the bench, but find Nicky standing in front of them with his arms crossed over his chest.  He has a huge grin on his face and nods towards a group of players settling down on the other end of the bench. 

“You mother hens are too late.”  Nicky says with a slight chuckle.  “I think he’s got a new set of protectors tonight.”

Jamie is on the bench, tucked in between Brandon Saad and Dylan Larkin.  Aaron Ekblad and Jack Eichel on either side of them.  The children, as Alex has called them since the World Cup, have evidently taken Jamie into their group, a group with friendships forged through years of playing Juniors and then the World Cup together.  Even though Jamie hadn’t done any of that, they still treated him like he is one of them. 

Alex surveys the group. 

He’d watched them at the tournament last September, and watched them play in the NHL.  They were a good bunch he had decided, not a wolf among this new generation.  Maybe that type of player was being phased out of the league, Alex hoped.

“I think he is in good hands,” Flower knocks Alex in the shoulder.  “Come on, you can sit with me.  We can chirp Sid all night.”

Flower goes and sits down in one of the chairs near the end of the bench.

“Flower is right, Sasha.  They will take care of him.  Relax and have fun okay.”  Nicky nudges Alex’ shoulder.

“You are right, Nicky.  They good bunch.  Good he make friends with the other children.” 

\----

Larks easily repeats as the winner of the fastest skater competition, but doesn’t break his own record.  Saader would have probably done well had he not lost an edge on the second turn and wiped out completely.  There was, of course, a lot of good-natured ribbing about that throughout the rest of the night.     

Next up in the competition is the breakaway challenge.  Sid is taking part in this skill and Flower is in goal for it, but of course, the goalies aren’t trying too hard in this competition.  This is all about flair and style.  Jamie is pretty sure it would be hard to beat PK Subban’s Jagr impersonation from last year anyway. 

Sid’s most impressive goal is a through the legs, behind the back goal that gets in past Martin Jones.  Impressive to say the least, but not enough flair.  This year’s fan voted winner is Segs, who came out dressed as… PK Subban.  The crowd had loved it.

Jamie gets his first chance at an event next, the accuracy shooting.  Some of the others are chirping him about his ‘blindfolded and backhand’ comment from the night before.  Jamie just shrugs when they ask him if he is really going to shoot backhand.

He’s up third for the Eastern Conference.  So far the best time is McDavid who took 12.021 and five pucks to break the four targets.  As he’s waiting to shoot, Sid skates up to him, he points to his collar to remind Jamie that Sid is wearing a mic.

“I don’t have a blindfold, darn,” Jamie smirks.

“Just don’t embarrass the Pens.” Sid giggles.  “As long as Nicky and Saad give you good passes, you should do okay.”

“Right,” Jamie winks at Sid as he skates forward and sets up to shoot.  Backhand.

Nicky and Saad give him ‘are you serious’ looks and Jamie just taps his stick on the ice.  The timer starts with the first pass from Nicky.

The puck hits Jamie’s stick dead center and he flicks it at the top right corner.  1 puck 1 hit

Saad’s pass is a little off, but Jamie deftly lines it up on his stick and shoots for the bottom right target.  2 pucks 2 hits

Nicky’s second pass is again right on target and Jamie takes out the bottom left target.  3 pucks 3 hits

Jamie taps his stick on the ice, calling for the next puck from Saad.  The pass is perfect and Jamie sends the puck at the top left target.  4 pucks 4 targets

His total time, 10.242seconds.  The bench goes nuts. 

As he’s skating back to take a seat, Sid yells over at him, “Show off.”

Jamie smirks at him, “Have no idea what you mean.”

There isn’t a chair available, but Eks pats his knee and Jamie sits down on his lap.

“Sick.  That was just sick.”  Eks leans up and whispers in Jamie’s ear.

The next event is the skills relay, Stamkos and Sid had debated about where to put certain people.  After Jamie’s shooting demonstration Stamkos asks Sid if his passing is as accurate.  Sid tells him yes, that was why he wanted to put Jamie in that spot and let Nicky take the sharp angle one-time shot.  So they make a change.

It was a good move, because it only took Nicky two pucks to make his shot, and Jamie put all for pucks in the mini-nets on the first try. 

After the hardest shot competition, won for the Eastern Conference by Shea Weber this year, it would come down to the final event, the shoot-out relay, where each team could potentially score a lot of points.  There would be three rounds of six shooters each facing off against each of the three goalies.  The first and third shooters pucks would be worth two points, all other goals would be one point.   They also increased the time for each round from two minutes to three minutes to give each player the likelihood of getting to shoot twice.

Flower was in goal for the East in the first round for the shoot-out relay and he didn’t give up any goals while the Eastern Conference players got three one-point goals past Martin Jones.  The next round it was Pekke Rinne who pulled the shut-out for the West, while Ben Bishop gave up a two-point goal and two one-point goals.  The score stood at 22 East 20 West going in to the third round.

Sid and Jamie were both shooting in the third round.  They were standing in line waiting to start when Jamie looked at Sid, noticing the mic was gone.

“You not mic’d for this?”

“Nope.  Got rid of it.”

“So, then, how bout a little side bet?”  Jamie says, leaning close to Sid.

“What do you have in mind?”

“One with the most goals gets a bj?”  Jamie licks back and forth over his lower lip.

“You’re on, baby boy,” Sid smirks.

Jake Allen is in goal for their round.  Sid is shooting first and Jamie fourth. 

Sid leads off and puts one past Allen.  On his shot, Jamie dekes right and puts his puck five-hole.  On their next turn, Allen blocks Sid’s shot, but Jamie puts his over Allen’s glove. 

They only get two shots.  Jamie is grinning as the competition ends.  The East ends up winning by three points, Sid and Stamkos elect to play the first game on Sunday.

It is still early in LA when the competition ends, so Sid, Jamie, and Flower change and join their teammates and families for the Saturday night family activities, a reception at the hotel and then another concert. 

“I’m collecting as soon as we get back to the room you know.”  Jamie grins.

“You should go out with the younger guys later.  I think Larks said they found an under 21 club to go to for a while.  It’d be fun.”

Sid doesn’t notice the look that comes over Jamie’s face for the briefest of moments before Jamie controls himself and puts on his best happy face again.

\------

Sunday is game day.  And, another red carpet arrival for the players.  Jamie is walking with Sid between the rope lines, but unlike Saturday, most of the players aren’t stopping for autographs and selfies with the fans.  Things are a little more formal than they were on Saturday.

That is until Jamie sees a familiar face standing near the end of the line right along the ropes.

“Oh my god,” he says as he steps over to give a rather tall young woman a hug. 

He pulls back and gives the young woman standing next to her a hug as well before turning back to the first woman.  She is tall, just over six feet.  Her skin is the color of hot chocolate and the image of is glistening with a thin layer of sweat, laying underneath him, flashes through Jamie’s brain.  Her hair is a mass of tight springs that Jamie remembers as being soft and bouncy, that he loved playing with and the way they felt against his chest.  Her eyes are dark and warm as he looks into them.

“I can’t believe this,” he says softly as he hugs her again.

“Well when I saw you were going to play, I told Amanda that we had to come.  I mean, we knew you when, ya know.”

“Sid,” Jamie turns to introduce him, “this is Toni and Amanda.  Friends from San Diego.”

Sid shakes hands with the two women. “Gotta get inside, Jamie.  Nice meeting you both.”

“Stick around after the game, I’ll get somebody to bring you down to the lounge so we can talk for a bit.  Okay?”  Jamie asks.  “Go to the guest services desk.”

“Okay.  We can do that.  Good luck tonight!”

“Thanks,” Jamie jogs to catch up with Sid.

“A good friend I take it.” Sid asks as they walk to the locker room.

“We dated for a while, it wasn’t serious.”

Jamie isn’t sure about the look Sid gives him at first, but then he sees it.  Jealous Sid has shown up.  Jamie doesn’t understand this part of Sid, it is just too confusing at times.  Sid had been jealous of the thought that Kris and Jamie were screwing, but he was okay with Jamie and Brian being fuck buddies.  And then there was the Sid who told Jamie he should go out with the other kids after all the family stuff last night, to hook-up if he found someone interesting, or whatever, then got jealous when Jamie introduced him to Toni. 

Truth be told, Jamie sort of liked jealous Sid, at least that makes him feel like Sid really does want him and helps chase away the demons in the back of his brain.  Sid telling him to go hook-up with whoever he wants feeds the demons, makes them stronger.  For now, Jamie used jealous Sid from today to push down the insecurities Sid had created the night before.  He’d tried to talk to Sid more than once about the ‘do whatever or whoever you want’ thing, Sid’s worry that Jamie was somehow missing out on all life had to offer, but Sid kept doing it. 

Jamie pushed it out of his mind as they walked into the locker room.  It was the All-Star game and he was going to have fun and not worry about anything else for the next few hours.

\-----

The whole thing goes by way too fast for Jamie.  The Metropolitan Division wins the first game.  Jamie has two goals and two assists while Sid has a goal.  Most of the time Sully has them paired up together with Nick Leddy as their d-man.  Flower only gave up two goals in his ten-minutes in net, too. 

They end up playing the Pacific Division in the final game, which is okay, but Jamie was really looking forward to going up against Segs and Bennie.  Instead, he and Sid end up being out on the ice against a line with Connor McDavid, Johnny Gaudreau and Drew Doughty for most of the final game. 

\-----

Back in Pittsburgh, their teammates that had stayed in town for the break gathered at Kuni’s for a party to watch the game.

“He shoots and scores!”  Hags yells at the TV in his best Mike Lange impersonation when Jamie gets his first goal against Quick. 

“Made Doughty look pretty bad on that one,” Phil said as he looked at Kris.  “Goes to show who the Norris should have gone to last year.”

“Yeah.  Kind of glad we don’t have to play against Jamie.  He’s gotten really good this year.”  Olli adds.  “He’d make us all look that bad I think.”

They watch as Flower makes some great saves, hooting and hollering each time he blocks a shot.

The announcers are making a big deal out of McDavid, the number one pick the year Jamie was drafted.  They are gushing over him the entire game.  Talking about what a great season he is having, how he leads the Oilers in points and goals, how he’s stayed healthy this year and is showing the talent he was expected to when he entered the league. 

What Jamie’s teammates notice is that the announcers and studio analysts hardly mention Jamie at all the whole night.  Only giving some brief mentions when he scores a goal. 

“Typical,” Kuni says as he listens to them go on and on, “Jamie’s the one leading the league in his second year and yet all they do is talk about McJesus.”

“Kind of the way Tanger doesn’t get the recognition he deserves,” Olli states.

“Whatever.  Let them talk.  We all know who’s the best,” Kris smirks.  “Maybe they are still upset about him refusing to talk to any on them.  Sid said Jamie has not talked to anyone outside of Michelle all weekend.  They are probably pissed about it.”

The more they talk about McDavid, however, the better Jamie seems to do.  By the time they break at the half-way point, Jamie has two more goals and three assists.  McDavid has no points, his line shut-out so far by Flower.  The Metropolitan is up 7-4 with ten minutes left to play.

The second half is more of the same, Jamie seemingly scoring at will against John Gibson this time while Cory Schneider shuts out McDavid’s line.  The Metropolitan ends up winning 12-8 in the high scoring game, which was the opposite of the 1-0 win by the Pacific over the Atlantic Division the year before.

In the post-game coverage, the announcers are still going on about how well McDavid played, despite being held pointless.  They are talking about how the Oilers have been improving and could make the play-offs this year.  That is when Pierre McGuire of all people, gives them the 411.

“Personally, I was more impressed by Jamie Marsh, young forward for the Penguins who’s also in his second year in the league.  He went 179th in the draft the same year McDavid went number one.  Marsh was a bargain for the Pens, thrown in on the Carl Hagelin trade with the Anaheim Ducks.”

“Marsh did have a good game,” Mike Milbury starts to say when McGuire cuts him off.

“Good game?  He had four goals and three assists, that means he was in on more than half of the Metropolitan’s goals.  He also leads the league in assists and is the current overall points leader.  He’s showing signs of being one of the best two-way forwards in the league this year and exhibited some amazing backchecking skills tonight.  I think he was the real star of tonight’s game and should have been the MVP and not Ovechkin.”

“Well,” Kuni laughs when McGuire finishes, “looks like Sid’s got some competition for Pierre’s affection.”

\---------

Jamie paced around the lounge area outside the locker room at the Staples Center waiting for Toni and Amanda to be brought down by one of the Kings’ PR staff.  Sid had said for Jamie to go visit with his friends, refusing to come out with him.  Oh well, maybe that was for the best, Jamie thought. 

A few minutes later Toni came in, all smiles, as she threw her arms around Jamie, pulling him in for a fierce hug.

“God you look good, Jame,” she pulled back from the hug and ran her eyes up and down his body.  He was wearing just his compression pants and shirt, all form fitting and clinging to him from because of the sweat he’d poured out during the game.

“You, too.  Where’s Amanda?”

“She thought maybe we should just visit by ourselves.  She’s waiting outside for me, so I can’t stay long.”

Toni stepped away and went and sat on one of the couches in the room.  Jamie followed, sitting down beside her.

“Are you okay, Jame?”  She asks, laying a hand on his knee, “I saw the press conference, and I’ve been reading all the articles about you, about you and Crosby.  Jesus, you’ve had a hell of a year.”

“I’m good, Toni.  Really.”  Jamie ducks his chin to his chest, feeling guilty for having not talked to her in so long, “I’m sorry I just left, without saying anything.  And for not calling or anything.  I can’t believe you still came to see me and wanted to talk.”

“It’s alright.  To be expected with hockey players and sudden trades and all.  Truthfully,” she reached up and brushed her fingers against his cheek, “you left me when you went to Anaheim.  You were, I don’t know, different when you came back.  We barely talked then, even before the trade.  I heard some rumors, from some of the guys that were in San Diego then.”

Jamie looks at her through his lashes, keeping his head down.  “They were probably true.”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” she pulls him in to a hug.  “That explains so much.”

When she lets him pull back, he’s not looking quite so guilty about having not spoken to her for a year.

“Are you happy?  You seem happy, Jame.  With Crosby.  I can’t even imagine the pressure you two must be under, being out and all.”

“I am happy.  He’s, well, he’s great.”  Jamie lifts his head, looking her directly in the eye for the first time.  “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Us.  I mean, well, it was just, I wasn’t…”

“Bad timing, Jame.  Story of my life.  It’s okay.  I guess I understood it all then, too, that we were just having a good time while it lasted.  I don’t know if I really expected more from you, and you never really gave me any indication that I should have.”

“I really didn’t go looking for anything with him, it just happened.  I can’t explain it, the attraction, but it was there right from the start.  I fell in love pretty quick."

“I understand, Jamie.  You really don’t have anything to be sorry about.”  She playfully punches him in the shoulder.  “Except maybe not even texting me for the past year.”

Things relax between them from that point on, and they talk for another 15 minutes before Toni says she should get going.  She had caught him up on her schooling and her family, he told her about the cup and life with Sid.  Before she left, she made sure he had her number in his phone and made him promise that he would call or text her.  Jamie pulled her in for a big hug and a kiss before letting her go, watching her walk out the door with a faint smile on his face.

They had dated while he was in San Diego, initially meeting on a blind date set up by one of Jamie’s teammates who had wanted to date Amanda.  Turns out the guy was a racist who ended up never going out with Amanda again, but Jamie and Toni had continued to hook-up and go out until he got called up to Anaheim.  When he’d come back, following the incident, they had talked a couple of times, but hadn’t been together.

When Cat had refused to go with him to California, Jamie had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t allow himself to get into a relationship.  He wouldn’t, no, he couldn’t get close to anyone.  There was too much pain in getting close, in letting someone get close, in loving someone.  So he’d kept his relationships with Toni, and Zach, as casual as he could, repeatedly telling himself that both relationships were just about sex.  About sex and his need for physical touch from someone.

As he watched her leave, part of him wishes that maybe he’d been in a place in his life where he could have fallen in love with her.  The other part is glad he hadn’t been. 

\----------

Monday morning, they have breakfast with Troy and Trina before they head home to Cole Harbour.  As they are saying their good-byes in the hotel lobby, Troy pulls Jamie aside.

“I want you to know just how proud Trina and I are of you, the way you handled the press conference and everything.  We are so happy you are a part of our family.”  Troy wraps his arm around Jamie’s shoulders and pulls him in for a hug.  “I think your mom and dad would be very proud of you, too.”

A couple of hours later, Sid, Jamie. Flower, Vero and the girls fly home to Pittsburgh, along with Sully and Stewie and the other trainers.  It was a long, fun-filled, yet exhausting weekend.  Sid and Jamie order Chinese, picking it up on the drive home.  They eat and turn in to bed.  The next morning they will be back at work at morning skate and home game against the Preds.

Tuesday after their pre-game morning skate, Jamie is sitting in his stall hanging out waiting for Sid to be ready to head home when he sees Jen and three of the interns from the PR department walk in to the locker room, each carrying a fairly large box.  They drop the boxes to the floor in front of him.

Jamie looks at the boxes, all filled with mail, smaller boxes and some packages.  “What’s all this?”

“This is yours.  All yours.  Everything we’ve gotten just for you since the story broke on Friday.”  Jen sounds annoyed.  “They didn’t know what to do with it all.  So they brought it to me and well, we are bringing it to you.  Since you like to answer all your fan mail.”

Jamie hadn’t really gotten a lot of fan mail until after he and Sid came out, then it had gone up, but it had never been anywhere near the amount that Sid, or Geno, or any of the other big names got, so he had always told the people who handled it that he would answer his own fan mail.  Every Tuesday that the Pens were at home, Jamie regularly got one big box filled with letters that he would read and respond to as needed over the next week.

“I can’t,” Jamie bent over and rifled through one of the boxes, “I can’t answer all this.”

“Relax.  I’m just making a point.  And you can bet we’ll probably have close to this much again tomorrow.”  Jen says, sounding less annoyed.  “I am assigning you your own intern for the time being.  They will go through all the mail that comes in.  You just need to make some determination on what they just handle and what you want to see.  You have a day off tomorrow, so I’ve set up a room for you to use to meet with Darren to work out you’re protocol for mail.  Be here at 10 am in my office.”

They then picked up the boxes and walked out as Jamie sat there feeling overwhelmed and a bit awestruck.


	33. Dear Jamie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There were a lot of letters where it was from somebody or somebody who knew somebody or was related to somebody who has depression or something or tried to hurt themselves and they are holding me up as someone to look up to because I did that and I talked about it and everything and fuck…”

Tuesday night they lose to the Predators 3-1.  Jamie gets an assist on Geno’s lone goal.   He’s pretty happy that he has Wednesday off, well mostly off. 

Wednesday morning Jamie is up and off for a run bright and early, despite the snow falling in the region.  It is days like this that Sid questions Jamie’s love of running, days when the cold air assaults your lungs.  Jamie feels more at ease on these days, however, more alive somehow. It’s not bitter cold, about 1 degree. As he runs he tries to remember his Celsius conversions from school and then actually do the math in his head coming up with somewhere in the mid-thirties for a Fahrenheit temperature.  Not freezing, but cold.   The quiet of the snow falling is soothing, calming, the beauty of the white ground makes it seems lighter out than it really is with only a sliver of moon showing.

Jamie ends up taking one of the longer of his regular routes through the parks which will bring him home around 7:30. As he nears the house, he waves to a few neighbors who are out shoveling.  They’ve gotten over six inches since last night and it is still coming down.  Steve, their landscaper, is at the house clearing their driveway.  Jamie stops and chats with him a few minutes before heading in to the house.  Steve says they are expecting up to a foot today and Jamie is wishing he could just stay home with Sid.

While he’s in the shower he hears Sid get up and come into the bathroom, he jumps when the toilet flushes and the shower temperature changes.

“Fucker” he yells at Sid who just laughs.

When he finally steps out of the shower, Sid is nowhere to be found upstairs, so Jamie gets dressed and heads down to the kitchen for another cup of coffee.  He finds Sid sitting at the table in a pair of Penguins lounge pants and a t-shirt.

“Breakfast will be served at 8:30 am.  Sharp.  She said that should give you time to eat and then drive in to Consol for your meeting.  Ten, right?”

“You going over, too?”

“No.  I just got up to make your breakfast reservation.” Sid answers sarcastically.  “She’s making French Toast, with Canadian bacon and scrambled eggs.  Hell yes I’m going over.  But unlike you, I can go like this and then come back and climb back in bed for a few hours.”

\-----

_Dear Jamie,_

_I have been dealing with depression for years…_

_Dear Jamie,_

_My mother committed suicide when I was twelve…_

_Dear Jamie,_

_Our son was 17 when he took his own life…_

_Dear Jamie,_

_I tried twice to kill myself when I was younger…_

_Dear Jamie.  Dear Jamie.  Dear Jamie…_

\-----

Sid pauses the DVD of the previous night’s game when he hears the front door open and close, then glances at the clock on the bookcase. 

“You’re home earlier than I expected,” he yells.  “Everything okay?”

“Jamie?” he yells as he hears him on the stairs.

Sid thinks maybe Jamie is just going to change into something comfortable, but when he still isn’t back down 15 minutes later Sid goes looking for him.  As he climbs the stairs, he hears the faint sound of the water running in the shower.  Sid strips out of his sweats in the bedroom, then walks in and steps into the shower behind Jamie.

Jamie is standing under the spray of water, arms braced against the wall and his head dipped to his chest.  Sid slips his arms around Jamie’s chest, pressing his own chest up against Jamie’s back and gently depositing kisses between Jamie’s shoulder blades. 

“I didn’t expect you home this early, thought you’d be gone all day.”

Jamie doesn’t say anything and doesn’t move.

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Sid pulls his arms back, reaches for the bottle of body soap and pour a generous amount across Jamie’s shoulders.  His hands slowly work the soap over Jamie’s tight muscles, running up and down his back, reaching around to spread suds over Jamie’s chest, caressing up Jamie’s arms. 

Sid’s hands work the soap into a thick lather all over Jamie’s back and chest before he grabs the bottle and pours another good amount across the top of Jamie’s ass.  His hands smear the soap over each check then Sid squats down to soap up each long leg, taking his time to kiss down Jamie’s thighs ahead of his soapy hands.

“You want?” he asks as he stands back up and slides a hand around to brush over Jamie’s dick.

“No,” Jamie almost whispers, his voice soft and a little shaky Sid thinks.  “Can you just… would you just want to wash my hair?”

“Sure, baby boy.”  Sid picks up the bottle of shampoo, no, hair cleanser Jamie would tell him, some expensive shit he buys off QVC that smells really good.  Jamie’s tried to get Sid to use it, but he likes his own shampoo.

Jamie stands up straight, dropping his arms to his sides and tipping his head back so Sid can pump several globs of the stuff onto Jamie’s head.  Sid sits the bottle back down and begins to massage the cream through Jamie’s hair, alternating between lightly scratching his scalp and rubbing at it with his fingertips, then kneading it into Jamie’s hair.  Jamie lets out a low sound of contentment from his throat, letting Sid’s hands wash away his tension.

Eventually Jamie raises his head and lets the water rinse over him.  When all the cleanser and soap are rinsed away, he turns off the water and turns to face Sid finally.

“Thanks.” Jamie leans down to give Sid a quick kiss.  “I just needed to decompress, and that helped.”

“That bad a day?”

“Kind of.”

Short answers, usually not a good sign.

They dry off and put on some clean sweats and t-shirts, Jamie asking if they could just stay in when Sid offers to take him out for dinner.  They wander downstairs and Sid follows Jamie into the kitchen. 

“Didn’t you eat before you came home?”

“No.  I didn’t feel like it.” 

It’s almost 2:30, a long time for Jamie to go without eating anything since breakfast.  Sid tells him to sit down while he makes them something.  He pours Jamie a glass of OJ first, and gives him a couple of the cookies Nathalie sent over that morning.  They sit and eat the chicken stir fry Sid fixes in silence, Jamie seemingly deep in thought. 

After they finish, they do the dishes then head into the living room.

“I was watching game video from last night, but we can watch something else if you want.”  Sid offers as he sits down on the end of the couch.  Jamie lays down on his side facing the back of the couch, resting his head on Sid’s lap.

“Thank you.” He says after a minute.

“For what?”

“Not pressing me for info about today.  I just needed.  I don’t know.”  Jamie sighs.

Sid weaves his fingers into Jamie’s slightly damp hair, rubbing the tips over Jamie’s scalp.  Jamie closes his eyes but keeps talking.

“I walked out on them.  Just left.  I couldn’t keep doing it, reading all those letters.  Fuck, Sid.  There were so many fucking letters.  Some good.  Some not so good.  Some downright ugly.  They hadn’t sorted them at all.”

“Did you say something?  Did you tell Jen?”

“No.  There was this one letter, really ugly.  More or less that I was a fucking faggot and they were sorry I didn't kill myself.  That was about when I couldn't read any more, so I just told the interns to handle it, if they thought I needed to see something then they could get that to me, but that I didn’t want to see any more today.  Then I drove out to Cranberry and met with Janet. I’m sure I’m gonna get told about it.  About walking out.  But I can’t fucking do this.”

“You should never have seen that letter.  Need to say something about that.  But, that's not important at the moment.  What can't you do, though?  What is the this that's bothering you?”

“There were a lot of letters where it was from somebody or somebody who knew somebody or was related to somebody who has depression or something or tried to hurt themselves and they are holding me up as someone to look up to because I did that and I talked about it and everything and fuck…”

“I get it.  Unfortunately, it’s part of being who we are, doing what we do.  It’s a bit overwhelming some days, isn’t it?  I still don’t completely understand it after all this time.  But you should have gotten a little used to it after all the attention last year when we went public.”

“That was different.  That was something I could be proud of, being with you.  But this?  Fuck.  This isn’t something to be proud of, Sid.  I’m not.  Not this.  I can’t be.”

“Why not?  You stood up in front of everyone and admitted that you had this problem.  That’s a pretty brave thing to have done.”

“I tried to fucking kill myself, Sid.  How is that a thing to be admired.  The depression, too.  It’s not.  I’m a fucked up mess most of the time.  And now, everyone knows I’m screwed up.  How can they want to admire that?  How can they think I’m this quote unquote star hockey player?”

“You didn’t succeed in killing yourself, Jamie, and you fight your depression.  That's something to be admired.  You’re an example that things can get better, what with the way you are playing this year after everything.  You are definitely one of the young stars in the game.  Sometimes I wish you had played in the World Cup, you are as good as, if not better than those guys.  Dealing with depression doesn’t take away from that.  Besides, you only did what you did because of the medication, right.  And you were taking the medication because of the post-concussion symptoms.  So there’s that.”

The thought flashes through Jamie's brain, just for a second. Tell him.  Just tell him.  Janet said it again today.  Just tell him the truth.  Then it is gone.

“I think you may be a little biased about that.  And yeah, it was the medication.  I wouldn’t have given in to the impulses, I never have, except because of that.  So maybe you’re right.  It’s not as bad as I think to have people know about all this.”

“Right.  But, seriously, though, things are better, aren’t they?  You are doing better with it, the depression, right?”

“Most days.”

Sid bends over and kisses Jamie’s forehead, lightly, lovingly. 

“Let it go for today.  We’ll talk to Jen and the others tomorrow and figure out how to deal with all the letters.  Okay?  Together.  Okay?  And, most days is better than no days.  So we just keep working on that.”

“Okay.” Jamie still sounds distant, deep in thought about everything that has happened in the last few days, so Sid tells him to just take a nap for a while.

Jamie falls asleep with Sid rubbing over his eye, the special way Geno taught him when Sid was suffering through his concussions.  Soothing.  Relaxing.  Sid’s thumb applying slight pressure along the bottom of Jamie’s eyebrow, over his eyelid, stroking slowly from the bridge of his nose outward. 

When he wakes up, the house is dark and Sid isn’t there, but there is a post-it stuck to the kitchen table.

_Gone out to get food.  Be back soon._

Jamie grabs a Gatorade and goes back to the living room to wait.  About a half-hour later the front door opens and closes.  He hears Sid stomp the snow off his shoes before he takes them off and walks in to the living room.  He’s got two large bags from Primanti’s.

“Thought you could use some TLC.  We just won’t tell Tanger, eh.”

“You are the most awesomest boyfriend ever, Crosby.” 

Jamie seems to be doing better after his nap, more relaxed than he’s been since they got home from the All-Star weekend, Sid thinks. 

Sid sets the bags on the coffee table, then walks over and flips the switch for the gas fireplace.  The warm glow from the flames lighting the room, he spreads a blanket out on the floor in front of the fireplace, then turns off the TV.

“Only you could make Primanti’s a romantic dinner.”  Jamie leans over and gives him a kiss as they are sitting on the blanket unpacking their food from the bags.

\------

The next day, just as Sid promised, they all sit down and set up a new protocol for dealing with Jamie’s fan mail.  As much as he wants to personally respond to every letter, Jamie recognizes that it just isn’t practical.  So he’ll let the Pens take care of most of it, requests for autographs, etc.  They’ll weed out all the hate mail, like they are supposed to, so he doesn’t see letters like some of the ones he saw the day before, and he’ll get all of the items that people send him.  The letters will be kept, and he’ll be able to go through them at his own pace.  It is pretty much the same set-up Sid has, which works for him, so Jamie thinks it will be okay.


	34. Growing Concern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fluff, how many fucking times do you need to be told not to read that shit?”  
> Jamie reached for his phone, “I’ll read it if I want, Dume-ass.  Give me my fucking phone.”  
> “What the fuck is going on, Fluff.  You’ve been acting all mopey.”  
> Jamie quits trying to reach for his phone, sitting back in his sit and rubbing his hands over his face.  
> “Do you think Sid and I being together causes problems in the locker room?”

_February 3 rd     Columbus 1    Pittsburgh 4_

_February 4 th      Pittsburgh 4   St. Louis 3_

They all notice how quiet Jamie has been the past week, even out on the ice where he is normally pretty chirpy.  Some of the veterans ask Sid about it, wanting to make sure Jamie is okay.  The younger guys are more comfortable asking Brian or Kris.  It isn’t a big thing, his hockey has been okay over the last two games, he got two assists in each game in fact.  Sid and Brian tell anyone who asks that they think he’s fine, just still dealing with the fall-out from the previous weekend.

Super Bowl Sunday finds the Pens with another day off, so the team hosts a party again this year for the players and families.  Sid spends his time watching the game and giving this year’s fantasy league winner Trevor Daley a hard time for usurping Sid’s throne as the self-proclaimed King of Fantasy Football.  Jamie spends some time skating with the kids, but heads home early when Flower promises to make sure Sid gets a ride home later.

When Sid does get home, Jamie is already in bed.  Sid doesn’t wake him, but silently climbs in and stretches out beside him.  The next morning Jamie is already up and gone when Sid wakes up.  There is just a note saying that he’s gone to Cranberry to see Janet, driving his Jeep instead of running there. 

Practice is practice, predictable and routine at this point in the season.  Sid kids Jamie about missing several easy goals, challenging him to a one-shot contest after the regular practice ends.  Flower even offers to stick around and play goalie for them, but Jamie just says he doesn’t want to and skates off.  He’s showered, dressed and out the door before Sid is even in the shower.

That evening they are invited to dinner at Kris’ along with Flower, Kuni and their families.  When Sid arrives alone, Kris is more than a little concerned.

“He said he wasn’t feeling well.  I didn’t feel like arguing, so I just came anyway.  Has he said anything to you?  He says he’s talking to Janet, but I can’t ask her anymore.”

“Non.  He hasn’t said anything is wrong.”  Kris reads the look on Sid’s face, though. “I’ll talk to him.  See if he’ll tell me. If not, I’ll go talk to Janet.” 

When Sid gets home, Jamie is again already in bed.  There’s an empty pizza box on the floor in the living room.  Sid picks it up and takes it to trash can in the kitchen.  The can is full, which is unusual, since Jamie is the one who is fairly diligent about taking out the trash as needed.  Sid pulls the bag out and pushes the garbage inside down to make room for the pizza box.  Something catches his eye though, there are several empty beer bottles in the bag.

Sid tried not to rush to any conclusions, maybe Brian or one of the other guys had come over.  Maybe.  But, if not.  There were a lot of bottles there.

When Sid climbs into bed, Jamie stirs, rolls over and snuggles up against Sid, his head on Sid’s chest.

“Feeling better, baby boy?  Everybody missed you tonight.”

“Mmmm.” Jamie hums against Sid’s chest.

Sid can’t smell any beer, but when he brushes his hand through Jamie’s hair it is slightly damp meaning Jamie took a shower before bed.  He decides to wait and see how Jamie is in the morning, or even just wait and see if more bottles appear or whatever.  It’s not like Jamie isn’t allowed to have a beer at home if he wants, but he hasn’t had alcohol since he went on Kris’ regime. 

So Sid will wait.  And watch.  And worry.

_February 7 th       Calgary 2    Pittsburgh 4_

It’s been three years since the Pens did a Mom Trip instead of their usual Dad Trip.  The last time they did was 2014, the year Kris had his stroke on the day they flew out for the trip.  It’s not like hockey players are superstitious or anything, but that may have played in to why the Pens took three years to do another trip with the moms.

Trina flies in to Pittsburgh on the seventh and is waiting for the boys at home after their game, just as Troy had the year before.  The next day, Wednesday, they fly out to Colorado for the first game of the road trip. Thursday night the Pens win big against the Avs, 7-2.  Sidney gets a hat trick and Jamie picks up assists on all three goals.  They fly out after the game for the next stop, Arizona.  Saturday night, the Pens take that game 4-1.  Just as Troy had done, Trina wears Sid’s jersey for the first game of the trip and Jamie’s for the second.

Instead of flying home after the game, the Pens spend an extra day in Arizona to have an off-day with the moms.  The day is spent site-seeing around the Phoenix area, then relaxing at the hotel pool before enjoying a bar-b-que put on by the hotel for them. 

On the flight home, Trina sits with Jamie instead of Sid, who she sat with on the flight west. 

“So, we are going to shoot for that August wedding this year.” Jamie mentions at one point.

“At the lake house?  That will be so lovely.”  Trina rests her hand on Jamie’s knee.  “We are all looking forward to it.”

“When do we need to start planning?  I mean, like, how long will it take to get stuff together?”

Trina reaches into her purse and pulls out a small notebook and a pen.

“I think now is a good time to get started, don’t you?  So, have you and Sid talked about what you’d like?  A big wedding or a small, intimate affair?”

“We’ve talked, but can’t decide.”

“Okay.  Then let’s start with a list of things that we’ll need to set-up.”

They spend the rest of the flight talking about caterers, bands versus deejays, flowers, tuxes versus just tailored suits, and potential guest lists.  And they pick a date to ask Sid about, August 5th, the Saturday between their birthdays.

Sid notices that Jamie seems happier and talkative again for a couple of days after the trip.

\-----

_February 14 th     Vancouver 1   Pittsburgh 3_

“So, is Sid taking you somewhere nice for Valentine’s Day?”  Flower asks after the game as he is walking out.  Jamie is standing in the hallway waiting for Sid.

“Nope, he says it’s just another day.  And it is, no big deal.  Where are you taking Vero?”

“Home.” Flower laughs.  “We are having a special dinner at home with the girls since we will be home this year for the day.  We’re just an old married couple with children, you know.”

“Right.  I should have guessed.  Oh, that reminds me.  I need to stop tomorrow with a Valentine for Stelly.  And don’t worry, I know, no chocolate cause you would just eat it all.”

“No big deal, eh?”

“Well, Stelly’s my girl.  So maybe for her I’ll make a big deal.”

Jamie fields similar questions from Kris and Kuni, who are both spending the day at home with their wives and kids.  Geno and Anna are going out, however, and Geno asks Jamie if he and Sid would like to join them. 

“I think Anna would be a bit miffed G if you invited us along on your first Valentine’s day as a married couple.”

“No. No.  Anna okay.  She say that we should make sure Sid and Jamie have best first Valentine’s together. We need double date.”

Jamie really doubts that.  As he’s discovered, Geno says Anna says a lot of things that Anna never says.  She usually just laughs and gives Geno a playful slug in the arm, calls him something in Russian that Sid said means shithead, and then says okay to whatever Geno said.  But he still wouldn’t feel right going out with them tomorrow night. 

Sid finally makes his way out and they walk out to the parking garage.  They drove Jamie’s Jeep in that day, so he climbs into the driver’s side.

“So, everybody was asking what we’re doing for Valentine’s Day.  G invited us to double date with him and Anna.”

“You told him no, right?”

“No, Sid.  We’re going with them.”  Jamie’s sarcasm comes across clearly.

“Do you want to go out?  Cause if you do we can.  I thought maybe we’d just stay home, though. Do steaks on the indoor grill, maybe have some special dessert.”

“Ice cream?  You know how I like eating ice cream off, I mean, with you.”  Jamie raises his eyebrows at Sid.    

“Okay.  I was thinking cheesecake, but ice cream works.” 

\-----

Sid lies in bed, not wanting to get up, but his bladder has other ideas.  He opens his eyes and looks at the clock on the nightstand, 3 am.  Crap.  He slides his legs over the edge of the bed and rolls up into a sitting position, trying to not wake Jamie who he thinks is asleep next to him.  He carefully gets up and wanders to the bathroom to take care of his problem.

When he comes back, he realizes that Jamie isn’t in bed, which is puzzling.  They’d had a good day, starting with an optional practice in the morning and capped off by a very nice dinner at home and ice cream sex as Jamie had started calling their little game.  In between they’d gone over for a visit with the Fleury’s so Jamie could take Estelle some flowers and a large stuffed animal for Valentine’s Day.  He also took a smaller animal for Scarlet.  Jamie had gushed over the homemade card Estelle had given him.

Sid checked the guest rooms before wandering downstairs looking for Jamie.  He found him on the couch in the living room.  As far as Sid knew, Jamie hadn’t gotten up to go sleep on the couch since right after the incident in Edmonton.  It made Sid wonder what was going on, was Jamie having nightmares again?

He debated about waking Jamie up, but he was sleeping so soundly that Sid decided to just let him be and maybe ask him about it in the morning.

The next day, Jamie told him that he’d had leg cramps and hadn’t wanted to wake Sid, so he’d just gone downstairs.  He said he fell asleep on the couch once he finally got the cramping stopped.  Sid didn’t necessarily buy that story, but then again, Jamie didn’t act upset or bothered as if he’d had a bad dream.

\------

_February 16 th   Winnipeg  0    Pittsburgh 4_

_February 17 th   Pittsburgh  3   Columbus 0_

 

Back-to-back shutouts.  Jamie is feeling good when they step off the ice after their win in Columbus.  He got a goal, which put him back at the top of the points race, which is extremely tight at this point of the season.  Only five points separates Jamie from fifth place Connor McDavid, with Jamie Benn, Patrick Kane, and Sidney in between them.  Geno is sitting in sixth place on the list, and Hags, Hornqvist and Kessel are all in the top twenty, too.  The Pens have been winning, their current streak at eight, and they’ve been out-scoring their opponents big time. 

The flight back to Pittsburgh is short, barely giving Jamie time to do much more than check out the current gossip about him on social media.  As usual, the wedding watch sites have been active.  Jamie posted a picture of the lake with the message _August wedding location?_   Since he’d embraced the whole thing, Jamie had actually enjoyed interacting with the wedding watch fans.  They were fun, positive, and obviously very supportive of Jamie and Sid.

What wasn’t so pleasant were the daily articles that talked about his past, the depression, the attempted suicide, and continually speculated on his relationship with Sid.  Some writers had them breaking up every other day.  Some had them just fighting.  Some had them already married.  It ran the whole gambit. 

Deadspin posted something daily.  Camden still had access to the locker room under his Sportsnet credentials, and Jamie was convinced he was using that to get information for Deadspin.  Jamie hadn’t spoken with any press since the All-Star weekend.  There had been a flood of requests for interviews right after that weekend, but Jen had quickly sent out the word that Jamie was not, and would not, be available for any interviews.

That didn’t stop Camden from evidently making up shit.  The articles that bothered the most were the ones that talked about discord in the Pens locker room.  How could anyone truly believe that garbage.  They hadn’t lost a game in February yet, and they were at the top of their division, with the best record in the league.  You don’t do that if there is constant fighting in the locker room like the tabloid sites were reporting.

Brian leaned over to see what Jamie was looking at so intently on his phone.  When he realized what it was, he grabbed the phone away from Jamie.

“Fluff, how many fucking times do you need to be told not to read that shit?”

Jamie reached for his phone, “I’ll read it if I want, Dume-ass.  Give me my fucking phone.”

“What the fuck is going on, Fluff.  You’ve been acting all mopey.”

Jamie quits trying to reach for his phone, sitting back in his sit and rubbing his hands over his face.

“Do you think Sid and I being together causes problems in the locker room?”

“No.  Of course not.”

“Do you think guys resent me?  Think I get special treatment?” Jamie says softer, quietly, hoping no one else hears.

“Where are you getting this shit?  Is that what people are writing about?  What you’re reading?”

“Hey,” Shears suddenly pops up over the back of the seat in front of Jamie.  “Can’t help but overhear.  My family asked me about those stories and I told them not to believe everything they read.  We’re all solid, Jame.  You know that.  Right, Tommy?”  They can see him nudge the person in the seat next to him.

“Yep.  Solid.” Kuhnhackl says over the seat.

Somebody behind Jamie kicks the back of his seat. 

“We got your back, Jamie.”  Rusty says leaning around Jamie’s seat to join the conversation.  “So quit worrying about what some fucking reporters say, okay.”

“You know none of us say any of that crap that they say we do.”  Shears adds, “So stop worrying, okay.  Is that what’s been going on in your head the last couple of weeks?”

“What’s everybody talking about?” Muzz asks from across the aisle.

“Jamie’s having another crisis.  What else.  Such the drama queen, isn’t he?  I don’t know how they put up with him.”  Cole says from beside Muzz, totally sarcastically.

“Oh, well if that’s it.  Yeah, Jamie.  We all think you’re a drama queen.”  Muzz smiles at him and winks. 

“And the coach’s pet.”  Hags leans across the aisle from the seat behind Muzz.  “We all know who Sully loves the most.”

“Really? Cause I thought Phil was Sully’s favorite.”  Rusty chirps.

“Fuck you.” Comes from the seat beside Hags. 

“Ah Phil, you know Sully loves you most.”  Hags chides, nudging Phil in the side.

It isn’t long before they are all chirping each other about being this or that coach’s favorite, then about who are the fan favorites, or someone’s favorite.

Brian watches Jamie relax and join in with the chirping, the most he’s interacted with his teammates in the past two weeks.  At least for the moment, Jamie has forgotten about all the negative press.

Brian and Hags’ phones chimes.

Sid:  _What are you guys laughing about back there?_

Dumo: _Jamie was stressing over press._

Sid:  _Is he okay?_

Hags: _Boys are taking care of their little brother, Cap.  Not to worry about him.  He’s in good hands._

_February 19   Detroit  2     Pittsburgh 6_

Larks:  _Is everything okay with Jamie?  He seemed a little off tonight?  Tried texting yesterday to see if he wanted to meet up for dinner.  Got rather short response._

Sid:  _You noticed it during game?_

Larks:  _Yes.  I mean he had a good game, but he was just off.  Tried chirping him.  Got no reaction.  Not like him._

Sid:  _Press bothering him.  Think it’s getting worse if you saw it on ice.  Thanks for letting me know._

Larks:  _Keep me in the loop, okay?_

Sid:  _Will do._

_February 21    Pittsburgh 4    Carolina 3  (OT)_

Eks:  _Larks texted me.  Jamie seemed off to me too.  But then again he did have a goal and an assist tonight.  Just not very chatty._

Sid:  _We’ve all noticed it getting worse since the AS game.  I’ll keep you up to date on things.  Thanks for letting me know._

Eks:  _I worry about people I like.  I like him.  Nice guy._

Sid:  _Yeah.  He likes you too I know._

\-------

Sid closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat, they were still a half hour out of Pittsburgh on their way home from Carolina.  If both Larkin and Ekblad had noticed something off with Jamie in their last two games, it was getting way worse.  Kris had talked to Janet, who just said Jamie was working through things with her.  And, his hockey wasn’t really suffering yet, he was just, quieter than normal.

Maybe he’d feel better after tomorrow.  Tomorrow was the anniversary of their night in Boston when they’d first gotten together.  Sid had a special day planned since they had the whole day off.  Maybe that would help Jamie.


	35. Happy Anniversary, Baby Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie stepped into the front hall and kicked his shoes off.  It had been a good morning to run, not too cold, but crisp and clear out.  He had figured he would just go grab a shower and then see if Sid wanted to get up and go out for breakfast, but the smells coming from the kitchen meant Sid was already up and cooking breakfast.  He started to walk to the kitchen, but stopped when he looked into the living room.  
> “Holy shit.” He said under his breath as he turned and walked into the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baby, if I think about you  
> I think about love  
> Darlin', if I live without you  
> I live without love  
> If I had the sun and moon  
> And they were shinin'  
> I would give you both night and day  
> Of satisfyin'  
> Feel like makin'  
> Feel like makin' love  
> Feel like makin' love to you
> 
> Feel Like Making Love, by Bad Company

Sid watched Jamie run down the street and out of sight before going downstairs to start getting everything ready.  It was about a quarter after five, way too early to be up on a day off, especially when they didn’t get home until after 1 am last night, but he wants to surprise Jamie, and they’ll have the rest of the day to nap.  The delivery will be there any minute and he has to be ready.

He has discovered a couple of things the last few days, one – Sidney Crosby can get pretty much anything he wants, and two – that means it’s good to be Sidney Crosby.  All it took was an offer of an autographed jersey and game used stick and Sid was getting flowers delivered at 5:30 in the morning.  Well, it also helped that he was getting over a thousand dollars in flowers delivered.  Extravagant?  Too much?  Not for Jamie.  Not to Sid.

He cleared off spots around the living room and front hall, then watched for the delivery van.  It took Sid and two delivery people several trips to carry all of the arrangements into the house.  He gave them the autographed stuff and even took a selfie with them.  They promised not to post anything until later, if that was okay.  Sid said he didn’t mind.  They seemed cool about his relationship with Jamie.

He spent the next hour clearing the coffee table and setting it with plates and candles, then placing the flower arrangements all around the living room, and finally starting breakfast.  Based on the past couple of weeks Jamie would be back sometime between 7 and 7:30.

\------

Jamie stepped into the front hall and kicked his shoes off.  It had been a good morning to run, not too cold, but crisp and clear out.  He had figured he would just go grab a shower and then see if Sid wanted to get up and go out for breakfast, but the smells coming from the kitchen meant Sid was already up and cooking breakfast.  He started to walk to the kitchen, but stopped when he looked into the living room.

“Holy shit.” He said under his breath as he turned and walked into the room.

Jamie was so awestruck by the scene before him that he didn’t hear Sid walk up behind him.  Sid slid his arms around Jamie’s waist, startling him.

“What’s all this?” Jamie turned with a start, facing Sid, who kept his hands on Jamie’s hips.

“Well, Valentine’s Day might just be another day, but today is the best day of the year.  Happy anniversary.”  Sid raised up on his toes to kiss Jamie.

“I can’t believe you did this.”  Jamie pulled Sid close, tipping his head so he could kiss Sid back.

“You want to go change?  I’ve got bacon, real bacon, and eggs, and blueberry pancakes made with your whole grain mix, oh, and mimosas.  Special day, special breakfast.”

“Yeah, I’ll be back in 15, okay?”

“Yep.  We have all day.”

“Love you, Crosby.” Jamie whispered against Sid’s forehead as he gave him a light peck.  “This is amazing.”

When Jamie came back down, Sid was setting the food out on the coffee table.  Jamie sat down on the couch and pulled his napkin off his plate.

“Fancy cloth napkins.  Good plates.  You went all out.  And here, I thought maybe you wouldn’t remember.”

“Not remember?  How could I forget the anniversary of when we got together.”

Jamie looked around at all the flowers, hundreds of red, white and pink carnations. 

“How did you know?” he waves his hand at the flowers.

“My mom.  She said when you were talking about the wedding you made a comment about liking carnations, not roses.”

“This is, wow,” Jamie picks up his mimosa, “people would never believe you are such a romantic.”

After they finished eating, Jamie leaned back against the couch.

“So what else do you have planned for today?”

Sid stood up and then sat down on Jamie’s lap, straddling his legs, facing him.  Sid let his arms rest on Jamie’s shoulders on either side of his head.  He dipped his head down and pressed his lips to the side of Jamie’s neck, at first just pressing softly against the skin with his lips, then letting his teeth graze over the smooth, taught muscle, finally, when Jamie tipped his head back and moaned low, deep in his throat, taking a hold on the skin and sucking hard.

“People will see that,” Jamie groaned, not truly wanting Sid to stop.

“Don’t care,” Sid said as he moved his lips to another spot and began to suck another bruise onto Jamie’s neck.

“Fuck.” Jamie groaned.  “Maybe we should go back up to bed?”

Sid brought his mouth back to Jamie’s, their lips parting as they sank into a deep kiss which ended with Sid taking Jamie’s lower lip in his teeth and tugging gently.  Sid sat back, thinking for a moment before standing and taking Jamie’s hand to pull him up.  Instead of walking to the stairs, however, Sid motioned for Jamie to turn around.

“Not yet.  I have something special for you and well,” Sid dipped his head sheepishly, looking embarrassed. “I imagined doing it down here.  And I think if I don’t just do it now I’ll chicken out and not do it and then I’ll be upset with myself and…”  It was all coming out in one long fast sentence, a slur of words together.

“Sid, take a breath.”  Jamie cupped his hands around Sid’s face and gently kissed him, before turning around.  “Should I be, uh, kneeling for this special present?”

“Yeah.  Yeah.” Sid gained control of his thoughts again.  “With your head at the armrest.  But first…”

Sid curled his fingers into the hem of Jamie’s t-shirt and lifted, helping Jamie pull it over his head.  Then he slid his fingers inside the waistband of Jamie’s sweats and pulled them down, squatting and helping Jamie step out of them.  Jamie kneeled on the couch, resting his forearms on the armrest.

“So is my present a new toy?  Hmmm….” Jamie wiggled his ass back and forth.

Sid didn’t say anything as he stripped out of his clothes and then kneeled on the couch behind Jamie, who slid his legs apart to make room.  He ran his hands over the firm, round cheeks, letting his fingers slip into the crack and graze over Jamie’s opening.  Sid bent down and kissed the small of Jamie’s back first, softly laying kisses where he knew it sent little shivers up and down Jamie’s spine, making Jamie arch his ass and shoulders up and pull his back down trying to get away.

Sid trailed kisses down to the v at the top of Jamie’s crease, still kissing and licking, his hands massaging Jamie’s ass, grabbing and squeezing.  He hesitated, unsure if he could do this.  There were things he’d never done.  With anyone.  Things that Jamie did to him, however.  That Kris did.  But Sid had never wanted to try doing them himself.  Before.  Over the last year, Jamie had gotten him to try doing a few more things, but not this.  He’d been thinking about it the closer they got to today, thinking about how it would be something special he could give Jamie.  And well, with all that was going on, maybe Jamie could use something to completely take his mind off everything for a day.  And Sid was sure this would take Jamie’s mind off _everything._  

Okay.  Now or never.

Sid’s fingers slid back between Jamie’s ass cheeks, spreading them apart.  Jamie expected Sid’s fingers to find his opening, to push gently against it before Sid would slip a finger in to get Jamie ready for whatever new toy he’d bought.  What he didn’t expect was for Sid to lick a warm, wet strip down between his cheeks, stopping for just a second before licking over his opening.

“Oh my fucking god, Sid.”  Jamie moaned.  He couldn’t help but push his ass up towards Sid’s mouth.  “Oh holy fuck.”

Sid let his tongue circle around the rim, then he pressed his mouth down, kissing against the tight muscle, letting his tongue slip in and out of his mouth, the tip playing against Jamie’s opening.  Jamie’s whole body trembled as a small whimper slipped from his throat.  Sid pulled back, taking in the sight of Jamie’s hole, and it actually made his mouth water.  Without hesitation this time, he buried his face into Jamie’s crease and began licking and sucking feverishly at that small, perfect, pink opening.

“Fuck.  Oh fuck.”  Jamie dropped his shoulders down, resting his forehead on the armrest between his elbows. 

Sid drew his head back, just enough to kiss up and down the skin on either side of Jamie’s ass, biting every so often before covering the mark with kisses.  He shifted his hands so that his fingers could reach Jamie’s hole, so that he could let just one finger inch its way into Jamie.  As he did, Sid brought his mouth back so he could lick around his finger, slipping his tongue in alongside of it. 

Sid wasn’t sure at that moment why he’d ever not wanted to be doing this.  The more Jamie keened, the more turned on Sid got, and the more he got into what he was doing.  He pushed a second finger in next to the first, then slowly spread Jamie open so he could jam his tongue in and out of the him rapidly.  This only caused Jamie to try and push his ass back against Sid’s face and mouth.

“Please, oh geezus, Sid.” Jamie cried out.  He wanted to touch himself, his dick hard and aching for attention, the tip wet from the leaking precome.  “So fucking hard, please.  Fuck me.”

Sid could stay here all day, just doing this, but Jamie’s plea made him realize just how hard his own dick was getting.  He lapped eagerly at Jamie’s hole a few more times before sitting back on his heels. 

“Roll over,” he slapped Jamie on the ass.

Jamie rolled over onto his back, keeping his knees drawn up.  Sid’s lips were wet and a little puffy and Jamie wanted to get his mouth on them, wanted to suck at them, taste himself on them.  He locked eyes with Sid, telling him through the look what he wanted and Sid obliged, leaning over Jamie and bringing his mouth down to kiss him as hungrily as he’d been eating him out just a moment ago.  Jamie tried to arch his hips up against Sid, but Sid kept his hips raised away from Jamie.

“Please.” Jamie mouthed against Sid’s lips, arching his hips again. 

Sid forced himself to sit back between Jamie’s legs again, watching as Jamie reached down under his legs to grasp his ass and spread himself open for Sid.  Sid wrapped his hand around his own dick and guided it to Jamie, rubbing the precome over the tight opening to help lubricate it.  Slowly Sid pushed the tip against the hole until it slipped past the rim of muscle which instantly constricted around it.  Sid stopped and bit down on his lip, squeezing at the base of his shaft as well, trying to hold off his orgasm. 

“Fuck you are so tight.” He looked down at Jamie who has his head back and his eyes clenched tightly shut.  “You okay, baby boy, do I need to go get some lube?”

Jamie shook his head, opening his eyes to look up at Sid, “No.  It’s, it’s okay.  Just do it.”

Sid rocked his hips forward, inching his dick into Jamie slowly, steadily.  When he was halfway in he stopped and pulled almost all the way out before pushing in again.  He does this several times until his entire length slides into Jamie.  Once he was sure Jamie was okay, he rolled back down, sliding his arms under Jamie’s back and pulling him tight as he started to slowly roll his hips against Jamie, easing his dick in and out ever so slightly.  Sid kissed along Jamie’s neck, then his jaw and cheek, before claiming his mouth again, all the while slowly rocking their hips together.

This was something else Sid had never done with Jamie.  They had sex.  Hard, rough, ass pounding sex.  Because that it what Jamie liked, what he asked for, what he begged Sid to do.  And yet, when Jamie was the one on top as they say, he preferred it like this.  In Sid’s mind it was the difference between just sex, just a fuck, and making love.  Jamie never let, no, never seemed to want Sid to do this, to just make love as Sid thought of it.  The closest they had come to this was the first time they were together again after Jamie’s injury.

“Come on, Sid.  Fuck me.” Jamie said as he pulled away from the kiss and buried his face against Sid’s neck.

Sid didn’t change his pace, just kept rolling his hips slowly, every so many strokes in pausing to grind his hips against Jamie.  He could feel Jamie’s dick pressed between their bodies, hard and wet.

“Just want you like this, baby boy.”

He felt Jamie tense beneath him.

“Jamie?” Sid tried to push up onto his elbows as best he could, expecting Jamie to just sink back down onto the couch.  Instead, Jamie wrapped his arms around Sid’s shoulders and pulled him back down.

“Please, just fuck me.  Please, Sid.” Jamie begged into Sid’s ear, his voice wavering.  “Please.”

Sid just kept slowly stroking into Jamie.  “I just want this, just want to make love to you Jamie.  Enjoy the way you feel around me.  So warm and tight.  I just want to hold you like this.”

Jamie wrapped his legs around Sid, hooking his heels behind Sid’s ass, trying to pull him in more. 

“Please, Sid.”

Jamie pressed his forehead to Sid’s shoulder, his fingers digging into Sid’s back.  “Please.”

Sid rolled his hips, slow and steady, while he plied kisses to Jamie’s neck and shoulder, pulling Jamie’s body tight to his again.

“God I love you.” He whispered.  “Just want to take my time, Jamie.  Want to just love you.”

Slowly he felt Jamie relax again, then Jamie was rolling his hips to match Sid’s.  Jamie dragged his fingers up and down Sid’s spine, his nails scraping lightly against the skin.  Minutes passed, but it seemed like seconds in Sid’s mind, until he felt the pressure building within himself.  He rocked his hips faster, but used shorter strokes, barely withdrawing before rocking in again.

“Gonna come, baby boy.”  Sid kissed Jamie’s shoulder, opening his mouth over the skin and biting as his body spasmed when he the pressure was finally released as he drove hard into Jamie, coming deep inside him.  “God.  Fuck, Jamie.”

Sid stroked a few more times until he was spent, then pushed himself back up onto his knees, sitting back on his heels.  He stayed inside of Jamie while he enclosed Jamie’s dick in his hand, only giving a couple of quick strokes before Jamie came all over Sid’s hand and his stomach.  Sid watched the thick white cream shoot from Jamie, admiring the sight.  When he looked back up, Jamie had his head turned to the side tucked under his arm which he’d raised over his head.  Sid could see a tear track across Jamie’s cheek.

Sid picked up one of the napkins off the coffee table and cleaned off his hand and stomach, then shifted so he could lay down next to Jamie on the outside edge of the couch.  Jamie rolled his whole body over onto his side, facing the back of the couch.

Sid slid an arm under Jamie and let his other hand run up and down Jamie’s arm, gently kissing the back of his neck.

“Are you okay?  Did I hurt you?” 

Jamie shook his head, but didn’t say anything.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.  That was…”  Jamie took Sid’s hand, the one rubbing his arm, and pulled it to his chest.  “Just.  Can you just.”

Sid tugged Jamie tight, “Need my hand a minute.”

Jamie let him go and Sid pulled a blanket off the back of the couch, covering them both up as best he could, then he gave his hand back to Jamie to hold.  It wasn’t long before he felt Jamie’s breathing even out and slow as Jamie fell asleep in his arms.  Sid let himself drift off as well.

\-------

It was early afternoon before Jamie stirred, rolling over onto his back.  The breakfast plates and things had been cleared from the coffee table and his sweats and t-shirt were folded neatly on top of the table.  Sid and his clothes were gone.  Jamie listened, seeing if he could hear Sid somewhere.  He finally sat up, put his clothes on and walked to the kitchen.

Sid was bent over pulling dishes out of the dishwasher and stacking them on the counter. 

“Good nap?” he asked as Jamie wandered to the fridge.

“Good morning.” Jamie said, pulling a bottle of Gatorade out of the fridge.  He stopped to give Sid a kiss before going and sitting down at the kitchen table.

“I’m sorry.  About this morning.”

Sid stopped what he was doing and turned to look at Jamie. “Why would you be sorry?”

“For the way,” Jamie looked away, “for the way I acted.  It was nice.  No, it was great.  I’ve just never had anyone.  I mean…”

“No one’s ever made love like that to you?”

Jamie swallowed hard, a bright flush coming over his face.  “No.  Not like… not like that.  I didn’t.  It was pretty… emotional… I guess you’d say.”

Sid strode over to Jamie, who put his legs together so Sid could sit down in his lap, straddling Jamie’s legs.  Sid let his hands rest on Jamie’s shoulders as he leaned in to kiss him.

“You liked it, though?  I mean.  All of it.”  Sid asked, tentatively.

“Yeah.  I did.  I can’t believe you, um, you rimmed me.  Fuck, I thought that was a hard no for you.”

“Me too.  See what you do to me.”

“Nobody’s ever done that, either.  I mean.  I do it, I love doing it.  I even did it to Toni one time and she about died, said something about the benefits of dating a bi guy.  But, nobody.  Not even Kicks.  I really liked that.”

“And nobody has ever just had sex like that with you?”  Sid reached up and ran his hand through Jamie’s hair.

“No.”  Jamie answered, barely above a whisper.  “Never.”

“I love you so much.  You know that.  If I’d have known.”

“I love you.  It was great.  Really.  Once I relaxed.  Just the whole emotion of it was… overwhelming.”  Jamie looked up at Sid through his lashes.  “Could we do that again?  Later maybe?”

“Anything you want today, baby boy.”  Sid kissed Jamie’s forehead.

They sat like that for a little bit, just lazily kissing, until Jamie patted Sid’s ass for him to get up because Jamie’s legs were starting to fall asleep.  They put the dishes away, grabbed a snack and went back into the living room.  Jamie went and grabbed another blanket off one of the chairs before sitting down next to Sid and curling up against his side.  He covered Sid with one blanket and pulled the other over himself.

“So.  What do you want to watch?” Sid asked picking up the remote and turning on the TV.

“I’m about four episodes behind on Supernatural, if that’s okay.”

“Whatever you want today, baby boy.”

\------

Later they fix dinner together, grilled chicken and vegetables, and Jamie’s favorite quinoa salad.  This time it was Sid’s cheesecake for dessert.  After they did the dishes and cleaned up, Jamie grabbed a couple of bottles of Gatorade and water.

“It’s later, Sid,” he waggles his eyes at Sid.

“So it is.  Bed?”

Jamie leads the way as they climb the stair and head to the bedroom. 

This time, when they slowly, deliberately make love, Jamie stares up into Sid’s eyes in amazement at the feelings of being loved this way.  It is what he’d told Sid, something new, and also, something scary.  Hard to believe that it took a year for Sid to do this.  Jamie can’t believe that even Kyle, all the times with Kyle, it had been sex.  Just sex.  He had thought the same at times with Sid.  He was in love and knew, well he wanted to believe that Sid was as in love with him.  But he thought about it and it was the same, just sex when they had sex.  But this.  With Sid it all became so much more all at once. 

That night, Jamie slept soundly.  The dreams plaguing him since the All-Star game chased away, at least for one night.


	36. Flyers and Stars and Hawks, Oh My

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So how are you doing otherwise?”  
> Jamie sat back, a bit more relaxed after that good laugh.  “Okay.”  
> “Just okay?”   
> “No.  Yes.  I don’t know.  I’ve been struggling ever since…” Jamie’s voice trailed off.  
> “The All-Star weekend.”  Sully finished his thought for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay with this chapter...   
> Thanks as always for reading and staying with me...

On Saturday the Pens beat the Flyers 5-3 in what was a typically brutal contest between the cross-state rivals.  Jamie added to his points total with two assists.  They were lucky to all come out of the game unscathed.  Simmonds chirped at Jamie the entire game, throwing slurs at him.  Jamie did his best to ignore it and was doing great, until Simmonds boarded Sid hard halfway through the third.  That's when Jamie, on the ice, got to Simmonds before Dumes could get to Jamie.  He dropped his gloves and started swinging, catching Simmonds with a pretty good left to the jaw before the Flyer could get his gloves off.  The two traded swings for a brief time before Jamie got a hold on the other man's sweater and pulled him off balance, toppling them both to the ice.

Jamie took the game misconduct and ten minute major.  As he skated off he got a stern look from Sully.  Stupid.  He knew it.  Sid was fine.  He hadn't even gotten hurt and yet Jamie went after Simmonds.  He expected a lecture after the game, but it never came.  At least not from Sullivan.  Sid, however, gave him an earful in the car on the way home from the airport.

Sunday the Pens got another day off before a skate & go day on Monday, when they’ll practice early and fly out for a two game road trip in the afternoon.  The boys spend the day lounging around the house watching some game video of the Stars and Blackhawks, their next two opponents.  That evening, Jamie sits and plays his guitar while Sid fixes dinner.  It’s a good day, Jamie has seemed happy, so Sid racks it up as a win. 

Jamie goes for his run Monday morning, then drives himself to Cranberry before Sid is even awake.  Janet is away for the week visiting family, but he’s hoping Sully will be around, or even Jim at this point.  He smiles at the security guards at the gate, pulls in the lot and parks.  Sully’s truck is parked in its usual spot, so Jamie walks in and heads for his office.

“Hey,” he says, standing in the doorway. “You got a few?”

“Always,” Sully motions for him to come in and have a seat as he sets aside the newspaper he was reading.  “What’s up?”

Jamie points to the paper, “Today’s big sports story.  I know it’s not true, but still.”

Sully picks the paper back up, he hadn’t gotten to the sports section yet, so he flips through a few pages until he gets there.

_Pens Shop Marsh As Trade Deadline Looms_

“You know we aren’t trading you.” He sees the worry on Jamie’s face, “or anyone.”

“I know.  But.  Have you been following what’s been written about me over the last few weeks?  That article says I asked to be traded.  Then there are about a hundred tweets and other posts on the social media sites that say Sidney and I are on the outs, pointing out that we’ve been driving separately to practice.  It just… I don’t get it.”

“Tough being in the spotlight.  So why are you guys driving two vehicles?”

“We’ve been doing it since the weather got bad.  I had been running here in the mornings, meeting with Janet before practice and then driving home with Sid.  But when the weather got bad, shit, it’s tricky enough crossing traffic and coming across the overpass on a good day let alone when it’s snowing or icy out.  So I run, then drive in.  Like today, I left before Sid got up.”

“People look for things.  Try to read into things.  Were those comments on friendly sites or not so friendly sites?”

“Both.”

“Well one group is worried because they want you to be together and one group is happy if you break-up.  Right?”

“Right.  I just, I guess it’s like you said, I’m not used to the spotlight.  I don’t think my ‘welcome to the NHL’ rookie classes covered dating a superstar.”

Sully chuckled, “no, I don’t think that was a topic they thought they needed to cover.  Maybe they need to start including it now.”

“I don’t think so.  I mean, nobody is breaking any speed records to come out.”

“It’ll happen, Jamie.  You and Sid won’t have to carry the burden forever.  Hockey players by nature are just a cautious bunch.  They might want to believe that because you and Sid have been fairly well received that it is okay, but they are still going to wait.”

“Right.  We’ve been so well received.  Like with Couture, or Simmonds on Saturday.  If I heard ‘fucking faggot’ one more time…”

"I'm guessing that the fight was more about that than him hitting Sidney."

"I think so.  It was both, but the chirping.  I have tried not to go after guys for it.  I guess coming from him, and the same fucking thing over and over again..."

“They aren’t very original with their comments, are they?”

“No.  Not really.” Jamie smirked.

“I mean, come on, there has to be a whole ton of material that could be used just about tapping that huge ass.”  Sully said without even breaking into a grin.

Jamie froze for a minute, then when Sully grinned, started laughing. 

“That is so true.  Thanks, needed that.”

“So how are you doing otherwise?”

Jamie sat back, a bit more relaxed after that good laugh.  “Okay.”

“Just okay?” 

“No.  Yes.  I don’t know.  I’ve been struggling ever since…” Jamie’s voice trailed off.

“The All-Star weekend.”  Sully finished his thought for him.

“Yeah.  Trouble sleeping.  Over thinking everything.  I mean, I think that everybody is just waiting for me to fall apart completely.”

“Are you going to fall apart on us?”

“Truthfully?  I don’t know.”

“Okay.  You are talking to Janet about stuff, right?  Anything else we can do to help you out?”

“No.  You.  Jim.  All the guys.  Everybody has done a lot already.  I don’t know if other teams would have put up with so much, having to do so much just for one guy, and a rookie at that.”

“A rookie who’s having an exceptional year.  Who we think has a lot of exceptional years ahead of him.”

Jamie dipped his chin to his chest, “I hope.”

“I haven’t noticed your game suffering yet.  You can be sure I’ll let you know the minute I do.”

“I’m sure you will.”

\------------

Back-to-back games are hard.  Back-to-back games on the road are harder.

The trip starts off well enough.  Tuesday evening Jamie and Sid have dinner with Segs and Jamie Benn at the Benn residence.  The weather in Dallas had been more mild that winter and it ended up being nice enough to sit out on the patio while Benn grilled chicken and vegetables. 

Having seen the videos of Jamie singing at the restaurant during the start of the whole couples watch thing, Tyler had produced a guitar and informed him that he was the night’s entertainment. 

While they sat watching the two Stars argue about how to grill things, Jamie strummed at the guitar carefully tuning it.

“So what do you want to hear?” he asked when he had it ready.

“Whatever you want to play.” Segs settled down on a chaise lounge, having given up trying to convince his Jamie that he was grilling wrong.  “Something happy, though.”

“Country.” Benn stated, then he gave Segs a wink as he added, “Has to be country, right TY?”

Jamie sat there like he was deep in thought, a blank look on his face.

“I think you’ve stumped the self-proclaimed music connoisseur boys.”  Sid said with great delight, thinking that for all his talk Jamie really didn’t know country music.

“New country or old country?” Jamie questioned.

“Any country,” the other Jamie replied.

“Okay.  I’ve got one.”  Jamie started to play a few chords.

_We were sittin’ up there on your momma’s roof_

_Talkin’ ‘bout everything under the moon_

_With the smell of honeysuckle and your perfume_

_All I could think about was my next move_

_Oh, but you were so shy, so was I_

_Maybe that’s why it was so hard to believe_

_When you smiled and said to me_

_Are you gonna kiss me or not?_

_Are we gonna do this or what?_

_But you’re ‘bout to miss your shot_

_Are you gonna kiss me or not?_

When Jamie finished the song, Segs and Benn applauded.

“That’s my favorite song.” Benn said gleefully, “That’s our… wait….how did he know…Ty?”

Jamie grinned at Segs, who winked at him.  An exchange that didn’t go unnoticed by Sid.

“I think he may have been given some inside info, Benny.” Sid snorts.

 “Great.  Thank you.” Benn walked over to Segs and leaned down.  “So you gonna kiss me or not?”

Segs gave him a quick peck on the lips and Benn stood back up.  “That song was playing on the radio the first time we ever kissed, Sid.  I think you’re right about getting set up.”

Back at the hotel later that night, Jamie was snuggled up against Sid’s side as they laid in bed.

“Why do you think they haven’t come out?”

“What?” Sid was already starting to doze off.  “I don’t know, maybe cause they live in Texas.  I don’t know if they’d get the same reception we got.  Why are you asking anyway?”

“I just wondered.  A few guys said that after we came out that they would.  Martin and Neal.  But nobody has.  Nobody.  So, I was just wondering why.”

“I can’t control what other people do.  Does it matter that nobody has?” 

“No.  I guess not.  I just,” Jamie kissed Sid’s neck and nuzzled in closer, “nevermind, it’s not important.  Night.  Love you.”

“Love you, too, baby boy.”

\-----------------

After beating the Stars the next night, the Pens flew to Chicago for the second game of the trip.  Everyone was in good spirits, having gone a perfect in February, going 12-0-0, the first time since March of 2013 that they had gone undefeated for an entire month. 

Late in the third period, the Pens were down by a goal and Sid’s line came over the boards for a shift change while Cole held the puck behind the Pens net waiting for the forwards to set up.  Jamie circled around behind the Pens blue line and fell in to line with Sid and Hornqvist as Cole passed the puck to Sid.  The three started into the Hawks end. 

Sid slipped past a couple of Hawks, but didn’t see an open lane for a shot, so he skated around the back of the net.  Jamie slipped across the center to the front of the net about 10 feet out, Horny had set up right next to the crease, trying to screen Crawford.  It was a play they practiced, a set-up they used often to score.  Just as one of the Hawks’ d-men was about to check Sid, he shot the puck out towards Jamie.

The puck hit Jamie’s stick and he quick wristed a shot at the net, but it bounced off Crawford’s pads.  Horny couldn’t catch the rebound which was picked up and cleared by one of the Hawks.  Jamie turned to give chase as Toews grabbed the pass and started out of his own zone.  He didn’t see Sid holding his arm and heading to the bench. 

It wasn’t until Flower gloved the puck on a shot by Panarin that Jamie realized that Sid wasn’t on the ice.  He looked over towards the bench and didn’t see Sid there either, a wave of panic washing over him as he tried to think of which Hawks had been going to check Sid.  Keith.  He thinks it was Duncan Keith.  Not good.

Culls is skating out to take the face-off to Flower’s left, and the bench is yelling at Jamie to make a line change.  Jamie skates over and steps off the ice, then makes his way down to sit next to Hornqvist.  His ass no sooner hits the bench before Rick Tocchet is leaning over his shoulder.

“Keith checked him and it looked like his arm got caught funny between them and the glass.  He went down the runway to get it looked at.  You okay?”

Jamie nodded his head and let out the breath he’d been holding since Tocchet’s hand had come down on his shoulder.  He’d been expecting worse. 

“We’re gonna do a little shifting, have Culls move up with you and Horny.  Have you ever centered?”

A new wave of panic hit Jamie, as he turned to give his coach a confused look.  “Never.”

“We’re going to double shift you.  Send you out with Culls and then you’ll stay out with Shears and Kuni on Culls’ regular line.  You’ll be the center on that line.  Think you can handle it for the rest of the game, only a little over five left to go.”

Five minutes.  Double shifts.  Jamie calculated it in his head.  He’d end up centering two shifts, maybe three.  He could handle that.  It meant playing with a different mindset though, when he was the center.  Jesus.  What the hell were Sully and Tocchet thinking.  Why not just double shift a center.

Jamie went over the boards with Horny and Culls for his next shift, forty-two seconds later those two headed to the bench and Shears and Kuni came over the boards when the Hawks dumped the puck into the Pens’ end to make their own line change.  Jamie circled through the center of the ice and picked up Kris’ pass to bring the puck back through the neutral zone. 

He saw Shears and Kuni drag a skate at the blue line to stay on side, but as soon as the puck cleared the line they started into the zone with Jamie.  Kuni, normally a left-winger, had been playing right-wing with Culls.  Jamie saw him skate around one of the Hawks, Hossa maybe?  He shot the puck towards the Kuni, who snagged it and stilled the puck.  That’s when Jamie caught the white and gold about 15 feet behind Kuni.  He saw Kuni fake the shot and leave the puck, skating at the goaltender as a screen.  He saw the gold and white t-off on the puck and… goal! 

They all mugged Dumes, who had read the Hawks perfectly and slipped in behind Kuni.  It was a beautiful goal going five-hole on Crawford.  Game tied.

That lasted 53 seconds before Artem Anisimov had a breakaway and managed to go top-shelf over Flower’s glove. 

The game and the Pens’ win streak ended that way.  Pens 3, Hawks 4.

\--------------

“Two to three weeks.  Should be just fine for the playoffs”

“Fuck.”  Jamie sat down next to Sid’s stall.

“It’s fine.  It could have been worse.”

“I know, but still.”  He looked at Sid’s arm tucked into a sling, a brace around his wrist and hand.

“What.”

Jamie leaned over close to Sid’s ear, so he could talk low enough that only Sid would hear.  “I mean, it’s going to suck having to shower with you for two weeks so I can wash your back and hair for you.  Poor baby gonna need some TLC.”

Sid’s whole face flushed red as Jamie sat back and started taking off his skates. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Thompson Square for giving me the Bennguin song... "Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not"


	37. What's Wrong With Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie took a deep breath and then proceeded to tell Janet about hearing the voice in his head, Sidney still.  But that it was different than it had been for those few days in Edmonton last summer.  It was more like it had been after Kyle died.  Telling him he should kill himself, but the voice, Sid, didn’t tell him he didn’t love him anymore.  Didn’t say Jamie was worthless, unlovable. Just that he should do everyone a favor and just kill himself.  That Jamie ‘shouldn’t be here’.  And it had been more frequently since the All-Star weekend.

For most teams, March means the last big push to try and reach the playoffs.For the Pens, who sit atop their division with the best record in the league, it means a grinding schedule with few days between games, an extended trip to western Canada, and for a change, more games against non-divisional teams than against their Metropolitan rivals.The goal for March is to secure the Presidents’ Cup and home ice advantage throughout the playoffs.

March roars in to the Burgh like a lion, cold and blustery, just as the rest of the winter has been so far.The grey sky doesn’t give much hope that spring is only a few weeks away, but instead gives the impression that Old Man Winter intends to hang on as long as he can.Jamie’s mood at times over the winter months has been as dark as the sky over Pittsburgh.But for the last week or so Sid has thought that Jamie has been happier, at least since their anniversary of getting together, when Sid surprised Jamie with flowers and a quiet day at home.

The Pens miss the big March 1st snow storm that blankets Pittsburgh, as they are in Chicago for the second half of yet another set of back-to-back games.The Pens don’t get out of the Windy City before the storm closes the Pittsburgh airport, so they end up stuck for another night in the hotel.The next morning, they finally get back to Pittsburgh and get the afternoon off instead of having a late practice.

Sid spent the afternoon and evening on the couch letting Jamie wait on him hand and foot, even getting a back rub out of Jamie.Well, okay.A back rub that ended up being a remarkable full body massage and blow job.Followed by Chinese food delivery, complete with an extra egg roll for Sid.Jamie hadn’t been joking about Sid getting some tender loving care.

The next day Sid watched the game from the executive box as the Pens beat the Lightning 4 – 2.Jamie was happy that the Pens had decided to bring Jake Guentzel up from Wilkes-Barre to center the fourth line and had moved Culls up to play with Jamie and Horny.Sully and Tocchet did say, however, that they wanted to have Jamie spend some time at practices playing center.

“Do you know how many face-offs I’ve taken in my life?I can count them on both hands, Sid.I’m not a center.I’m not a winger whose ever even covered for a center, except for those shifts in Chicago.”Horny always took face-offs if Sid got kicked out, which didn’t happen very often.

All Sid said was, “It’s about time then that you learn how to do it.”

On Sunday the Pens blew out the Sabres 7 to 1.That night, Sullivan asked the boys to make an effort and they got Rusty his first NHL hat trick.It was a great night all around for the ‘kids’ as Guentzel netted his first goal, Shears had two goals, and Jamie and Tommy both had three assists.

\---------

Sid sat on the edge of the bed next to Jamie’s suitcase, watching the teenager pack for the upcoming western Canada road trip that would also include a game in Philadelphia before the Pens returned home.Five games over ten days, their longest road trip of the season.He absent-mindedly rubbed his arm, which was still in a brace, but at least out of the sling.Sid wouldn’t be going on the trip, staying in Pittsburgh for rehab on his wrist.

“Relax,” Jamie shoved a week’s worth of briefs into one of the pockets along the top of his suitcase.“I’ll be fine.I’m sure that I’m going to have lots of babysitters to keep an eye on me for you.”

“I know.” Sid pulls the underwear back out and starts to carefully fold them.“But Janet isn’t going.Are you sure you don’t need her to go?”

Jamie came out of the walk-in closet with several dress shirts and pairs of pants that he could interchange with the three suit jackets he was taking.He snatched the briefs away from Sidney and shoved them back in the pocket.

“Nobody’s going to know if my briefs are wrinkled, Sid.And, yes.I told Janet she didn’t have to come.She’s picked up a few other clients and doesn’t need to be away for ten days with me.I can call her if I need to.”

“What if you have a panic attack?”

“I think between Tanger, Flower, Geno, Kuni, and oh hell, everybody, I’ll manage. It’ll be fine.” Jamie picked his suitcase up and sat it on the floor.Then he pushed Sid back onto the bed and climbed up to straddle his hips.“The real question I think is are you going to be okay here for the week, or are you going to have a nervous breakdown worrying about me?”

Jamie slipped his hands under the hem of Sid’s t-shirt and found their way to his nipples, rubbing his thumbs over them.

“You need to finish packing.”

“You’re avoiding the question, Crosby.”Jamie leaned down over Sid, brushing his lips over Sid’s jaw before nipping at his bottom lip. 

“Mmmmm, yep.” Sid mumbled into Jamie’s mouth as Jamie kissed him.

\-----------

Monday morning before practice Jamie sat in Janet’s office. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come along?” she questioned, watching Jamie fidget with the material of his sweatpants.

“You sound like Sid.And no, I’m not sure.”Jamie raised his head to look her in the eye.“But, I think I need you not to.Does that make sense?”

“Kind of, based on what you said Friday.”

“I need to try.Or, maybe more like I need to not try.It’s exhausting.”

Janet paused from writing something in her notebook, looking up at Jamie with a puzzled expression.

“Getting up and putting on the happy face.Sid, and well, everybody, were acting all so weird and worried because I was ‘too quiet’ they said.So, I’ve been trying hard not to let anybody see.To be, you know, happy Jamie, when I’m around everyone.It might be nice to be able to have some alone time at the hotel on this trip.”

“They care.And I don’t think you need to try so hard around them, they really seem to understand when you are down.At least that’s what Kris tells me.”

“Sully asked me if I thought I was going to fall apart.I told him I didn’t know.I really don’t, but I think that everybody somehow expects me to.I think Sid does.The press, I know, do.They all know who you are, see you with the team.Maybe if you aren’t on the trip they’ll think I’m okay and back off some.”

“Please tell me you haven’t been reading all those stories.You said you wouldn’t.”

“I don’t read them all,” Jamie dipped his head sheepishly.“Just some.”

The stories about mental health, suicide, head injuries, any injuries and about any incident involving any of those issues and hockey players had flooded the internet over the past few weeks.Jamie read them all at first, then only some of them the past week, after Janet had yelled at him to quit reading them.Jamie had been hung up on all the statistics they kept quoting about teens who tried to commit suicide, failed, and ended up trying again.In his mind, Jamie had already tried and failed twice.Well, he hadn’t necessarily failed, more like an outside force had intervened.

Jamie tucked his lower lip between his teeth, chewing at it nervously. 

“You want to talk about something.” Janet said bluntly, reading his tell.“Spit it out.”

“Um.You aren’t going to be happy.” He tugged at the loose material of his sweats that was bunched around his thighs.Another tell.

“You’ve been doing more than reading the articles on the internet.” Janet sighed.“Okay.What?”

“Do you think?I mean, is it?What if it wasn’t the medication?”

“What if what wasn’t the medication?That it wasn’t why you did what you did?”

“No.I mean.”Jamie fidgeted in the overstuffed chair that served as Janet’s couch. “The voices.The hallucinations.”

“Jamie, are you having hallucinations again?Or hearing the voices more?You’ve said that Kyle’s voice has been in your head all along, but you said the other voice and the hallucinations of Sid had pretty much gone away.”

“I’m not seeing things, but just.Voices.”Jamie had a look of worry on his face.“Am I, do I have… schizophrenia?” 

“What have I told you about diagnosing yourself off the internet?” she smiled at him when he dipped his head again, giving her the ‘I’m sorry’ look. This wasn’t the first time he’d asked about a diagnosis, or putting a name on his depression. “No.At least I don’t think you do, and I would bet that if I sent you to a psychiatrist they wouldn’t diagnose you with it either.What makes you think you do?”

“Well, the hallucinations.And doesn’t it usually show up in late teens or early 20’s?”

“Yes to both points.But a lot of other things can cause you to hallucinate or hear voices.You don’t really have any of the other markers.None of your MRIs or CT scans showed any of the physical signs that can be present.And, you are way too cognizant.You aren’t delusional.You can problem solve and follow detailed hockey plays, you think very fast and process things without any problems.Didn’t you look at all of the signs and symptoms?”

“Yes, but, I thought.So what then?What’s wrong with me?”

“I’ve told you how I feel about labeling.”

“I know.I know.You label and then I get all hung up with the textbook or stereotypes about it.”

“Exactly.So, we don’t label.We work on changing or adapting or coping with behaviors and thoughts and emotions.Right?”

“That’s easy for you.You’re not the one who’s all fucked up.”

“You’re not fucked up, Jamie.A little off at the moment,” she chuckled at him, and he smiled at that, “but not fucked up.Okay.Let’s back up a minute, too.You’re hearing the voices again?Kicks?Sid?Others?”

“Sid.I mean.I don’t know.I don’t hear Kicks much anymore.”

“When did they come back?”

“After everything came out, but,” Jamie cleared his throat, “well, truthfully they never really went away completely.”

“James Robert Marsh.”The use of his full name by his therapist had the same weight and effect that it had always had coming from his mom.He instantly sat up straight.“I thought we’d agreed last August that you would not, I repeat, NOT, hold back anything from me.You understand that it is important if we’re going to help you that you’re open and honest with me.You told me that it had all stopped.”

“I’m sorry.It sort of did.Well mostly.”

“Okay, so talk now.Tell me all of it.”

Jamie took a deep breath and then proceeded to tell Janet about hearing the voice in his head, Sidney still.But that it was different than it had been for those few days in Edmonton last summer.It was more like it had been after Kyle died.Telling him he should kill himself, but the voice, Sid, didn’t tell him he didn’t love him anymore.Didn’t say Jamie was worthless, unlovable. Just that he should do everyone a favor and just kill himself.That Jamie ‘shouldn’t be here’.And it had been more frequently since the All-Star weekend. 

And then there were the dreams.The old familiar one had come back, with Jamie jolting awake some nights.But, there were other dreams, too.Dreams that Jamie didn’t understand.Standing in his living room, his father saying something, but Jamie couldn’t understand the words.Curled up in a ball on the floor crying.Saying something over and over, ‘please, daddy’.Waking up shaking.

In another dream Jamie is seven, he is in a bed next to Kyle who is trying to calm Jamie down.Kyle telling him that Coach Bill and Jean aren’t going to send him away, Kyle won’t let them.Jamie telling Kyle ‘I wish it had been me’.Jamie didn’t know what that meant, why he would have said it to Kyle.It didn’t seem to even fit what was happening in the dream.But then the dream would change and Jamie was older, in a hotel room, crying into a pillow. An overwhelming feeling of loneliness and hurt flooding over him in the dream.A voice saying it to him this time, a voice he didn’t know.“Why wasn’t it you.”What had he done, or not done.He’s crying into a pillow, sobbing that he is sorry, but not knowing for what.

“You’ve never had dreams like those before?”Janet asks after he finally relaxes and sits back after recounting his dreams.

“No.I know I’m dreaming, but it’s this feeling like I’m looking at pieces of my life.”

“That could be.Reliving moments while you sleep, your subconscious letting memories out.Okay.Let’s go back to your question.You want a diagnosis.”

“Only if you want to tell me what you think.”

“So, since August you’ve asked me if you were bi-polar, manic depressive, persistant depressive disorder, and today, you asked if you were schizophrenic.I’ve told you that I don’t believe you should be diagnosed with any of those things.You are not what I would term, psychotic.You’ve read about depression, extensively.What diagnosis haven’t you asked me about.”

“PTSD.”

“Why not.Don’t you think all of your symptoms and behaviors fit that diagnosis?”

“That’s only something that soldiers get, or people who live in war zones.Or, I don’t know.Cops and firefighters.”

“Is that what you’ve read?”

“Mostly.I don’t know.What kind of trauma have I gone through?”

“The death of your parents.Kyle’s suicide.Anaheim.Do you want me to continue?”

“But, I mean, we’ve talked about all of that.”

“Just because we’ve talked, or you’ve talked about it and how you felt or dealt with it doesn’t mean you’ve reached a point that you are dealing or coping with how you feel about it, or how it’s effecting you.And maybe we’re missing something.” Janet looks over the notes she’s jotted down during this session.

“When was the first time you ever had a thought about hurting yourself?”

“I don’t know.Right after Kicks died.” Jamie looked down quickly, then back up.He also brought his hand up to his face, fingers curled into a loose fist, and rubbed over his lips with the back of his fingers.

“Jamie?” Janet asked, reading his body language.“When was the first time you ever thought about hurting yourself?”

“When I was 12.” He mumbles into his hand, dropping his eyes to avoid looking at Janet, embarrassed of his admission.

“Did you just have a thought, because something happened?What I mean was, was it YOU in your head telling you to hurt yourself?Or do you remember what happened that made you feel that way?”

Jamie closed his eyes and leaned his head back into the cushion of the chair.Thinking.Remembering.

“I don’t know.It’s like.I can remember feeling this way, but I can’t remember why.It’s like Anaheim.Like I know something but I can’t remember or figure out what it is.”

“Okay.I think we’ll try something.Over the course of this road trip I want you to keep a journal.When you’re alone, when you can think about things, I want you to try and remember the times in your life when you’ve felt really depressed or overly sad.When you’ve thought about hurting yourself.Try to remember if you heard your voice or another voice.This may go back years Jamie, so don’t get upset or bogged down trying to remember one time in particular, just write it down and move on.”

“Years?”

“The trauma of your mother and father dying when you were six.Finding your father.I think that is the initial trauma.You never went to a counselor then you said.Never talked to anyone about that day before you told me about it.”Jamie shakes his head.“Okay.Then we’ll start there. But when you get back, okay.Or, think about this.Would you rather just muddle through until the off-season?If we delve into this, it could open up a whole lot of issues that you may not be able to deal with.In the middle of the play-offs.Think about what you want.”

“I just want to feel better.”

“Okay.Start with the journal.And I’m going to ask again.Are you sure you don’t want me to come along on this trip.”

“I’m sure.”

\----------------

Sid had kissed him good-bye when Kris picked him up to go to the airport, telling Jamie that he’d talk to him later over Skype.Also telling Jamie to call him if he needed to talk at all, no matter what time of day it was.Jamie threw his bag in the backseat, climbed in to the car, and waved as Kris pulled out of the driveway.Sid went back inside and stopped.The house was eerily quiet to him.


	38. The Longest Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They lose to the Flyers 3-2 the next night, but all Jamie cares about is that he is finally on a plane headed back to Pittsburgh.  While it’s been a successful trip for the team, picking up 8 out of 10 points, Jamie doesn’t think the trip has been what he wanted.  He’s more exhausted than when he left Pittsburgh.   
> Jamie had thought it would be good to be alone.  It wasn’t.  But, he’d been able to just let go of everything around Brian.  Spending more time alone with him had been a good thing.  He’d told him that on the plane ride home, resting his head on Brian’s shoulder.

Monday afternoon the Penguins boarded their charter and flew out of Pittsburgh for Winnipeg.  Jamie wasn't a good flyer but it was only 3 hours, and he’d be sitting next to Dumes.  Jamie decided to that he’d start some journaling now, so he pulled out a notebook from his backpack.

_Monday – March 6, 2017_

_Ok.  So I am supposed to write things down.  Not sure what._

He sits and stares at the back of the seat in front of him for several minutes, before he starts to write again.

_I said the earliest memory I have of wanting to hurt myself is when I was 12.  That maybe isn’t true.  I think I may have been younger.  I really don’t know when I started having those feelings or thoughts for sure.  I know that I didn’t have them often.  It wasn’t really until after Kicks died that they started.  Why?  Okay.  That’s question 1 to put in the back._

Jamie flipped to a page in the back of the notebook and wrote a heading across the top.  _Questions About Myself I Need To Answer._ Then he wrote that question down.

“Whatcha doin’ Fluff?” Brian leaned over to see what Jamie was working on.  “Sid got you writing up plays?”

“Nah, just some stuff Janet wants me to work on during the trip.”  Jamie closed the notebook, however, and tucked it away.  “Wanna watch a movie?”

“Sure.  What’s next on our list?”

He pulled out his laptop and a set of dual headphones, handing one pair to Brian.  They spent the rest of the flight watching the remake of The Magnificent Seven.

\---------

_9 pm – Brian just left.  We all had dinner in Tanger & Flower’s rooms, then he came over and we watched another movie.  Had a good flight and day so far.  Tried to think about stuff while movie was on cause it wasn’t very good.  I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to remember, so not much came to me._

_You said once, after my folks died and you had me journal that I shouldn’t worry about what I write, I should just write.  So okay.  I’m going to write.  You said we need to maybe talk more about my mother and father, about their deaths.  I haven’t really talked about them, though.  Not to you or anyone._

_My mother.  She was beautiful.  Or at least that’s what I remember.  She and I spent a lot of time together.  I don’t think she worked.  She got sick after we moved to Edmonton.  I would spend hours on the couch or bed with her.  We played games and sang.  She played the guitar.  I don’t think I’ve told you that.  My guitar was hers, it’s why I learned to play.  She would tell me that I looked like her and twist her fingers around a curl of my hair or tweak my nose to kid me._

_S_ _he's the one who wanted me to play hockey, because she was sick I think.  I think she wanted me to have something happy in my life.  Something I could have fun doing.  I remember them fighting about it, about my dad having to take me to hockey._

_I would come home and tell her all about it.  She was so happy that I was making friends I think.  I would talk to her forever about Kicks.  Well he was still just Kyle then._

_Then one day she was gone.  Just like that.  I was at school when she died.  I came home and she was gone.  And he was sitting in the living room crying._

_My father.  I don’t have many memories of him except for that day.  It somehow has blocked out everything else._

Jamie leaned back against the headboard and closed his eyes, breathing in slowly through his nose and then releasing it slowly through his mouth.  Making his body relax, trying to clear his mind.  That’s how he fell asleep, sitting there with his hands resting on the notebook in his lap.

\---------

At some point he’d slid down so he was laying on his side, his arms crossed over his chest.  His eyelids fluttered as the images flashed through his brain.  It was the dream where he was standing in his living room, his father sitting on the couch looking at him.  His father is saying something, then he is pulling Jamie into his arms, holding him tight, brushing his hand through Jamie’s hair.  Suddenly he shoves Jamie away, throwing him down on the ground.  Jamie curls up into a ball crying.  His father keeps saying something else, but he can’t make out the words.

Jamie wakes with a start.

3 am.

He lays there for a short time, trying to calm himself down.  Trying to get back to sleep.

Finally, he gives up and goes to take a shower.  He monkey’s around until five, then goes to meet Brian for a run.

\----------

The day flies by.  Breakfast with the team.  An afternoon practice.  Dinner with the team.  Jamie doesn’t have much free time to think about the dream or anything else.  Everyone seems intent on not leaving him alone for any length of time. 

After breakfast Kris and Geno dragged him back to Flower’s room where most of the veterans hung out playing cards and watching TV until practice.  Between practice and dinner, the baby Pens, as they still got called even after a year, gathered in Shears’ room.  Brian made Jamie go to that. 

After dinner he finally said enough and told them all he just wanted to go back to his own room and call Sid.  He ends up talking to Sid for two hours before Sid is yawning too much, barely able to keep his eyes open. 

Jamie closes up his laptop and digs out his notebook again.

_Tuesday – March 7, 2017_

_My father.  He took me to hockey.  Before she died._

He sits and stares at the words.  And stares.  And stares.

\------------

The game against Winnipeg is another rout as the Pens shut out the Jets 5 – 0.  Jamie picks up an assist, keeping him in pace with the others on the leaderboard.  It is setting up to be a tight race for the Art Ross, however, with the actual points leader varying from night to night, depending on whose team plays.

They fly out after the game for the short trip to Edmonton. 

Home.  For as much as Jamie has settled in to life with Sid in Pittsburgh.  Edmonton is home.  A light snow is falling as they make their way to the bus that will transport them to their hotel.  As they are milling about, Jamie hears it.

_It should have been you._

He clenches his eyes shut. 

“You okay?” A hand finds the small of his back, resting there. 

He opens his eyes to find Kris standing next to him, his hand on Jamie’s back.

“Yeah.  I’m okay.”  Jamie steps up onto the bus and goes to sit with Brian.

When he gets to his room finally, he pulls out the notebook right away and starts writing.

_I heard Sid’s voice.  He said it should have been me.  What?  What should have been me?  Why would he say that?_

Jamie went to the back and wrote down a couple of more questions.  The main one being _What should have been me?_

He picks up his phone then. 

Jamie:  _In Edmonton.  Call me when you get up._

It’s 3 am in Edmonton, which means it’s 5 am in Pittsburgh.  He doesn’t expect a call back for a while, so he takes his suit off, hangs it up, and decides to take a shower.  He’s adjusting the water temperature when his phone rings.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.  I just.  I don’t think I can sleep so I wanted to talk to you.”

Sid sighs on the other end of the call, a sigh of relief.  “Okay.  I hear the water.  You going to take a shower?”

“Yeah.”

“Take a bath instead and talk with me.  Tell me about the game.”

An hour later Jamie climbs out of the tub, says good-night, well, good-morning, to Sid, dries off and goes to bed to get a few hours of sleep.  He and Brian had already planned to skip their run, and the players are on their own for meals for the day, with only a late afternoon practice scheduled, so he can sleep for a while.

He sets his alarm, then drifts off.

\----------

Jamie stood outside the visitors’ locker room at Rogers Place in just his under armour, waiting for his special guests to arrive.  Sully and Jim had been onboard with it from the minute Jamie asked them if it was possible.  It had taken several phone calls and some sneaking around by some people, but it had all come together.  They should be there any minute.

He hears them before he sees them as they appear in the hallway finally. 

“Hey, Jared!”  The youngster walks up and gives Jamie a hug.  “Good to see you.”

Mr. Strahn and Jessica get hugs as well.

“Glad you guys could come watch us practice.  You got the tickets I sent for the game, too, right?”

“Yes we did.  We’ve been looking forward to this all season.”  Marcus Strahn slips his arm around Jared’s shoulders.

“So, everybody has changed and should be decent.  You want to come in and meet the team?  Then someone will take you around so you can sit in the stands behind the bench.”

The three follow Jamie into the locker room where Jamie introduces them to everyone, before finally stopping in front of the stall that should have been Sid’s.  Jared is busy talking to Brian and not paying attention until he hears Jessica.

“Oh no way!”

“What?” he asks turning around.  Hanging in the stall is his hockey equipment, pads, pants, everything, and a Pittsburgh sweater with his name on it and his number from his junior team.

He looks at his dad first, then Jamie who is starting to put on his pads. 

“You better hustle, we need to be on the ice in 15.”  Jamie nods over to where one of Jen’s assistants is standing.  “He’ll show you and Jessica to the stands.”

“Have fun.  We’ll see you out there.”  Strahn says to his son, then follows his daughter out of the locker room.

“You have got to be kidding me.” Jared exclaims as he starts to strip down. 

“Here’s the deal.  You’ll be out with us and we’ll run a few drills you can participate in, then when we get in to rushes and other stuff, you’ll hang with the coaches to start, but Sully said he’d let you play a bit with us.  No checking.  We’ve all been told your sweater is a no contact sweater.  Okay?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely!”

Jared steps onto the ice right behind Jamie and falls in with him to warm-up, slapping shots at the goal as he skates past.  During the course of practice, each of the Pens makes a point of going and talking to the teenager.  The grin never leaves Jared’s face.

After practice, Jared changes and Jamie walks him out to meet his father and sister.  Sully walks out with them to talk with Mr. Strahn.

“Quite a hockey player you have,” Sully shakes the older Strahn’s hand.  “A lot of good puck sense.”

“Thank you.  I think he may get drafted into the WHL next year.  That’s what we’re hoping for, huh, Jared.”

Jared is talking to his sister, “It should have been you.  You’d have loved it Jess.”

Jamie hears the first part, then everything around him fades away.  Sid’s voice rings in his ears.

_It should have been you.  Why wasn’t it you._

He tries to focus on what’s going on around him, but those words echo in his mind.

“Well we’d better get back in,” he feels Sully slap him on the back, “come on, Jamie.”

Sullivan notices the blank look on Jamie’s face, the distant stare.  “Jamie?”

“Uh, yeah.  Yeah.”  Jamie brings himself back to the moment.  “Right.  Glad you could come, Jared.  Mr. Strahn.  Jessica.  Hope you had fun.”

“Thanks, Jamie.  It was great.” Jared says as they all turn to leave.  “Good luck tomorrow night.”

Jamie follows Sully through the doors and heads back to his stall.  Sullivan watches, concerned about what he witnessed, Jamie blanking out. 

\------------

_Thursday – March 9, 2017_

_Can’t sleep.  Haven’t been able to make the voice stop today.  Have tried to think back to other times when I thought about hurting myself.  I can remember hearing a voice then.  Not Sid.  I didn’t even know Sid then.  So whose voice was it?  I did remember something else about my father.  From before my mother died.  He yelled a lot.  Had the dream about his death again._

Jamie rolled over and looked at the clock, two o’clock.  He really needed to get to sleep.  He tried laying on his back but all he did was stare at the ceiling.  He looked at the clock again, three o’clock.  Fuck.  He sat up and threw his legs over the edge of the bed, then rubbed his face in his hands, before combing his fingers through his hair. 

It was right there.  He could feel it.  Whatever it was, it was there, in the back of his brain, trying to claw its way out.  Then there is an image.  Standing beside Bill and Jean at a grave.  Putting flowers in a vase.  Suddenly Jamie was filled with an overwhelming need to go there.  To find that place.  He got up and got dressed, grabbed his phone and keycard and walked out of his hotel room.

\--------------

It was a cold, clear night in Edmonton, the nearly full moon on the snow making it seem almost like day time.  Jamie had the taxi driver stop several blocks away, no need for anyone to know where he was going, not even an anonymous driver, especially when Jamie was sure he wasn’t allowed to be going there at this hour of the night.

He was pretty sure he could find the spot, even though he hadn’t been there in years.  He tried to remember the last time, he was eight, he thought.  He had stood silently next to his new mom while his new dad had placed the potted flowers next to the headstone.  Afterward, Jamie was withdrawn and quiet for days.  When the time came the next year for them to go again, Jamie had told them that he didn’t want to go anymore.  He couldn’t explain it in so many words, but he had trouble remembering the two people he had called mommy and dad for six years.  He didn’t tell his new parents that going to the graves only brought back horrible images of his father.

He thought he remembered where he needed to go as he made his way quietly through the cemetery gate and down the lane between the hundreds of gravesites.  It took him fifteen minutes, and a wrong turn at one fork in the roadway, before he found the spot. 

The dark stone almost glowing in the moonlight stood out as he stepped over the pile of plowed snow to make his way to it.  The surname written in all caps across the top looked foreign to him after all this time.

RUSSELL

The first nickname Kyle and his other teammates had ever called him came back.  Russ.  He let is roll of his tongue, it sounded so strange.  James Robert Russell. 

Jamie dropped to his knees in front of the stone, his gloved hands digging away the snow to reveal the rest of the words.  Once he had them cleared, he stared at the two names written underneath that other name.  Names that seemed even more unfamiliar to him.  One part of a vague memory of love, warmth, music, and comfort.  The other forever tied to an image that brought nothing but pain.

Sharon Lynn

October 22, 1973  -   September 5, 2003

James Michael

March 16, 1971 -  November 10, 2003

Jamie sat back on his heels and shoved his hands into his coat pockets to try and warm them.  The toque he had pulled down over his ears and the scarf wrapped around his face barely protected him against the bitter cold air.  But he sat there, despite the cold, staring at the names.

“Why?”  He said out loud.  “Why didn’t you love me enough?”

He tried to fight back the tears, but knew it would be a losing battle. 

“What did I do wrong?  I tried to be good.  I tried to do everything for you.  But you left me.  Why?  Why couldn’t you love me as much as you loved her.  I needed you.  I needed you to stay with me.  I missed her, too.  I needed you to tell me why she left.  I didn’t understand.  Why?”

The tears rolling down his cheeks stung as the wind whipped against his face, but he didn’t care.  He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, or at what point he’d started to shiver against the cold.  His phone chimed in his pocket, bringing him back to reality. There were several messages stacked up from the last hour or so. The time on his phone said 5:47. Shit.

Dumes:  _Are we running?_

Dumes:  _Hello?_

Dumes:  _Where the fuck are you?_

Dumes:  _Fluff!!!  Answer me!!_

Tanger:  _Where are you??_

Tanger:  _Jamie??_

Sid:  _Where are you?  Are you ok?  Tanger called me.  Can’t find you.  Answer your phone!!_

Sid:  _You’re scaring me.  Jamie?_

Sid:  _God Damn it!  Answer your fucking texts!!!!!_

Jamie sent a text out to Kris and Brian, short and to the point.  _Am okay.  Will be back to hotel soon._   Then he texted Sid.  _I’m okay.  Will call you when I get back to hotel.  Sorry._ He ignored their responses and instead made a phone call.

“Hello?” a gruff sounding male voice answered.

“Um.  It’s Jamie.  I’m sorry to wake you up. Uh.  Is Mrs. St. Croix right there, please.”

“Marsh?  Are you okay son?  We’ve been worried.”

“Huh?  What?”

There’s some noise as he hands the phone to his wife.

“Honey, are you okay?  Sidney called here asking if we had seen you.  Luc checked the barn and has been watching.  Where are you?”

“I’m at the cemetery, at my parents’ grave.  I need a ride back to the hotel.  Could you come get me?”

“Clover Bar, right?  Where Kyle is buried, too.”

“No.  Not Bill and Jean, my, my birth parents.  Northern Lights on Campbell Road.  I’ll wait at the gate if you can come.”

“We’ll be there as soon as we can.  Are you okay, though?  Do you need us to bring you anything?”

“Something hot to drink and a blanket.  I’m freezing.”

A short time later, a white SUV pulled up to the cemetery gate and Diane St. Croix got out.  She wrapped a blanket around Jamie’s shoulders and ushered him to the front seat. 

“You sit up here so you get the heat,” she helped him in, “there’s a cup of hot chocolate in the cup holder for you.”

By the time they got to the hotel, Jamie’s teeth had stopped chattering.  He had ridden the whole way with his head down, sipping silently at the hot chocolate.  Diane had sat on the edge of the center part of the back seat, leaning forward so she could keep a supportive hand on his shoulder.  Luc hadn’t said a word the whole way.

When they pulled up out front, Jamie slipped the blanket off his shoulders as Diane got out, so she could move back to the front seat.  Before he could open the door, Luc reached over and put his hand on Jamie’s leg, giving it a light squeeze.  Jamie looked up at him.

“We’re glad you were okay.  You know you can call her anytime you need.  Don’t worry about it.”

“Thank you.  Again.”  Jamie slipped out of the vehicle, gave Diane a hug and went inside.

\-----------

Kris sprang up off the bed when he heard the knock on the door, rushing over and pulling it open.

“Where the fuck were you?  Do you know how worried we’ve been?”  He grabbed Jamie and pulled him into the room, letting the door swing shut.  He let his hand pat down Jamie’s arms and chest.  “You’re not hurt.  You didn’t do anything stupid did you?”

“No, Tanger.” 

“Don’t ever do that again.”

“Does Sully know?”

“No.  Lucky for you.  But we were about to send out search parties when we finally got your text.”  Dumes said from across the room.

“Dumo and I are the only two that know you snuck out.  Don’t worry.  We’ve got some time before we have to be at breakfast, are you okay to go to your room and get ready?”

Jamie doesn’t say anything.

“Okay, then.”  Kris looked at Jamie, really looked at Jamie, for the first time.  What he saw really concerned him.  He could tell Jamie had been crying.  “I can grab some clothes and come with you.”

“No.  I’ll see you down at breakfast.”

Jamie leaves, but Brian stays to talk with Kris a little bit, both concerned.  Brian finally heads back to his room to shower and change.  He’s standing in the shower when he hears the door open, it has to be Jamie.  He’s gotten in the habit of just giving Jamie his extra keycard.  After a couple of minutes, the shower curtain is pushed aside and Jamie steps in. 

“Wow, not expecting this.” Brian says as he turns around, but then he stops.  Jamie is standing with his head down, his arms hanging limp at his sides, tears rolling down his cheeks.

Brian pulls Jamie in against him, his arms tight around Jamie, who buries his head against Brian’s neck and shoulder.

“It’s okay, Fluff.  I’ve got ya.”

\-----------------

Jamie got an earful from Sid, but other than that, nobody said anything.  Well, Kris informed him that if he wasn’t going to talk to him about where he was, that he needed to call Janet.  Jamie did, and just simply told her that he’d talk when he got back to Pittsburgh.  Kris wasn’t happy, but Janet told him to let it go for now.

If Sully and the other coaches knew, they didn’t let on, and the rest of the team didn’t say anything.  Jamie apologized over and over again to Kris and Brian for not telling them that he was sneaking out.  Brian hadn’t even questioned the shower, but just held Jamie until they had to finish and get dressed so they could get to breakfast on time.

Edmonton gave them a good game, but the Pens came out ahead following OT and a shoot-out.  After the game they flew out to Vancouver for the second of their back-to-back games on this trip.  Jamie talked to their travel coordinator on the flight and changed his room assignment so that he could just room with Brian for the rest of the trip. 

He spent some time on the flight journaling about everything.  Basically just recounting what happened, not really thinking about anything.

That night, he and Brian fell asleep in separate beds, but around four, Jamie woke up after having another nightmare.  He slipped out of his bed and climbed in next to Brian, carefully burrowing under the covers and stretching our alongside him, trying not to wake him up.  When he woke up again, however, Brian was spooned up behind him with his arm draped across Jamie’s waist.  Jamie snuggled back tight against Brian and fell asleep again.

Unlike Kris.  Unlike Sid.  Unlike most everyone else, Brian had stopped questioning Jamie’s about his depression, and doesn’t constantly ask how he’s doing or if he’s okay unless Jamie is being excessively mopey.  He knows, Kris or Sid keep him informed, so he has become the one person who is simply there for Jamie anytime Jamie needs him. 

They haven’t had sex, or done the fuck buddy thing in a while.  Mostly what Jamie asks for is for what Brian did in Edmonton, or the next morning in Vancouver, just to hold Jamie and provide support when Jamie needs to be able to let go without being questioned.  Usually it was time spent after an early morning run on the road, or Jamie would go spend an hour with Brian after a practice or before a game.  Or it was just being able to lean against Brian’s shoulder on the plane or bus.  He doesn’t have to pretend around Brian.

\-----------------

The game at Vancouver wasn’t as tough, the Pens won 4 – 3.  Two nights later they beat Calgary 2 – 1.  They spend the extra night in Vancouver, opting to wait and fly back east the next day.  On the flight, Jamie takes the opportunity to do some more journaling about his father.

_Tuesday – March 14, 2017_

_Have been dreaming a lot about him lately.  And so it’s had me thinking.  I can’t remember ever doing very much with him.  He took me to hockey but I can’t remember him ever helping or even asking me about hockey.  After she died I can remember coming in after hockey, Dad, well he was Coach Bill then waiting until I was inside before leaving.  Bottles all over the place.  Him passed out as I now know.  You know what I’ve realized, he never talked to me.  I don’t think he ever said a word to me after she died, other than maybe to get up or take a bath or some other order.  He never just talked to me.  Why?  Why didn’t he want me?  I loved him._

_Didn’t I?_

_I loved my mom.  That I know.  All my memories, even from her being sick are all good memories.  But I don’t have any what I would call good memories of him.  Is that what you want me to realize?  That he didn’t love me evidently?_

_Fuck._

\--------------------

They lose to the Flyers 3-2 the next night, but all Jamie cares about is that he is finally on a plane headed back to Pittsburgh.  While it’s been a successful trip for the team, picking up 8 out of 10 points, Jamie doesn’t think the trip has been what he wanted.  He’s more exhausted than when he left Pittsburgh. 

Jamie had thought it would be good to be alone.  It wasn’t.  But, he’d been able to just let go of everything around Brian.  Spending more time alone with him had been a good thing.  He’d told him that on the plane ride home, resting his head on Brian’s shoulder.

“Thanks.”

“For what, Fluff?”

“Just for being there when I need someone.”

“It’s what friends are for, Fluff.  You’d do the same for me.”

“You think so?  I don’t know.”

Brian shrugged his shoulder against Jamie’s cheek.  “Asshole.”

“You love me, Dume-ass, admit it.”

“You think so?  I don’t know.”

Jamie just smiled and closed his eyes.  “Right.  Best friends, Dumes?”

“Best friends, Fluff.”

\--------------

He patiently waits for the equipment crew to unload his suitcase from the cargo hold of the plane, then he makes his way with Kris to the parking lot.  He walking with his head down, sort of shuffling his feet along, when he feels Kris give him a nudge in the side.  Jamie looks up.  He feels all the tired suddenly drain from his body and a sense of calm creep in.  His Jeep is parked behind Kris’ car and Sid is leaning against the front fender.

“Good to get home, eh?” Kris says.

Jamie picks up his pace, covering the last several feet in long, quick strides, dropping his suitcase to the ground just before melting into Sid’s warm embrace.

“Welcome home, baby boy.  Missed you.” Sid whispers in his ear.


	39. To Sleep, Per Chance... Not To Dream...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie turned and stood facing Aaron, who was now standing up on the opposite side of the bed.  
> “Can I ask?  How are you really doing?”  
> “Most days, okay.  Others… not so good.”  Jamie walked towards the door.  “Thanks for tonight.  It was good, and again, sorry for falling asleep on you.”  
> “No problem.  See you tomorrow.”  Aaron stepped up and pulled Jamie into a hug.  “You know that there’s a bunch of us who are here any time you need.  Any of the guys I was chatting with.”  
> “Thanks, Eks.”  Jamie smiled at him.  “I know.”

The drive from the airport to Sewickley doesn’t take long.  Jamie rides the whole way leaning against the passenger side window, his eyes closed.  Sid’s brace is gone, so Jamie laces his fingers with Sid’s across the center console of the Jeep.  Sid asks him a few questions about the trip, but for the most part they ride in silence. 

When they get home Jamie heads straight for the stairs and the bedroom while Sid stops in the kitchen to grab a couple of bottles of water and a few cookies for a snack if Jamie wants it.  It wasn’t a long flight from Philadelphia and Sid knows Jamie will have eaten, but he also knows that Jamie usually likes something sweet right before bed, a habit that Sid has picked up from him.

By the time Sid gets upstairs Jamie is shedding his suit, carefully laying it over the back of a chair.  Sid gets a good look at Jamie under the bright overhead light.  He’s lost some of the weight he’d been managing to carry this late into the season, not much, but enough that it is noticeable to someone who sees him naked often.  When he turns, Sid can see the beginnings of dark circles under Jamie’s eyes, a sign he probably didn’t sleep well on the trip.

“Brought you a couple of cookies.  Chocolate chip.  Thought you’d like a treat for a change.”

“Thanks.”  Jamie puts his cookies and water on the nightstand while he pulls the covers back and climbs into bed.  He eats the cookies, takes a few swallows of water and slides down under the covers, curling up against Sid’s side.

“I missed you.” He says, nuzzling Sid’s neck.  “I’m hungry, Sid.”

“You are, huh.  Cookies not gonna do it for you tonight?”

“Nope.”  Jamie runs his hand up and down Sid’s chest, his tiredness making him slur his words a little.  “Long trip.”

Sid turns and Jamie lifts his head from Sid’s neck, bringing their lips together.   Jamie’s lips part, letting Sid take possession of his mouth with a lazy, gentle kiss, closing his eyes and just breathing in Sid’s air. Jamie’s lips become still against Sid’s, and his hand stops its motion.  Sid pulls away slightly.

“Jamie?”

He lifts his head to look over Jamie to the clock on the nightstand, which shows it’s a little after two in the morning.  Sid closes his eyes.  Thursday is an off-day for the team, so they have all day to do whatever they want.  For now, he’ll let Jamie sleep.

\---------------

Sid rolls over around 5:30 and finds the other side of the bed empty.  He’s fairly certain that Jamie has gone for a run.  It wouldn’t be the first time he’d gotten up to go despite getting in just a few hours before.  He reaches over and grabs Jamie’s pillow to hug and drifts back to sleep.

Sid lays there, in the world between being asleep and being awake where time and space don’t exist.  Where your dreams are so vivid they are real to your mind and it isn’t until you force your eyes open that your mind accepts the fact that it was all a dream. 

In Sid’s dream world, he is at the lake house standing on the dock in the early morning hours, watching as the sun climbs above the trees.  A pair of arms encircle his waist and his back is pressed against a warm, solid form.  He feels warm breath on the back of his neck, moist lips kissing just below his ear.  He forces his eyes open, though.  The red numbers on the digital clock stare back at him.

8:00.

From how real the dream felt, he would have bet anything that he’d wake to Jamie spooning him.  But the other side of the bed was empty, so he dragged his body out of the warmth and made his way to the bathroom. 

As he gets to the top of the stairs he met with warm, pleasant smells wafting up to him.  Bacon.  Sausage.  Coffee.  Well, that explains where Jamie is.

“Mornin’ baby boy.” Sid sides up next to Jamie and kisses his cheek, then leans in front of him to take a look at what’s in the frying pan on the stove.  “Still hungry this morning?”

“Morning.” Jamie says, giving Sid a shove so he can finish breakfast.  “Yeah.  I’m hungry.  Bacon.  Turkey sausage.  Veggie omelets on the way.  Toast.  Fruit and juice over on the table.”

Sid reached over and turned burners the off and then turned Jamie so he was facing him, using his body to leverage Jamie back against a counter, kissing and nipping at his jaw and neck. 

“Oh.  That kind of hungry.” Jamie slides his hands up under Sid’s t-shirt.  “Yeah.  Hungry.”

“Breakfast can wait.” Sid whispers in his ear.

\-----------------

_March 17 -   New Jersey  1   Pittsburgh 3_

Sunday the Panthers are in town, so Jamie isn’t surprised when there’s a text waiting for him when he checks his phone after the game.

Eks:  _Have Sat night free in the Burgh.  Dinner?_

Jamie:  _In or out?_

Eks:  _In.  SPN date?  Will be at Marriot. Will send room number._

Jamie:  _If I’m seen going to your room it could be bad for you._

Eks:  _Think I’ll survive.  Bring CC if you want._

Jamie:  _Will think about it.  What time?_

Eks:  _6 pm.  Don’t be late._

\--------------

Saturday night Jamie stands in front of room 517 at the downtown Marriot.  He knocks on the door at six o’clock sharp and it opens a few seconds later.  Aaron’s wearing a pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

“I feel over-dressed.” Jamie says as he walks in.  He’s wearing a pair of jeans and a Pens’ hoodie.

“Eh, you’re fine, or you know, you could get naked?”  Aaron smirks.

“Aren’t you funny.”  Jamie steps in and the door closes behind them.  “I just came for the food and to watch our show.”

Aaron turns and heads back to the bed where he’d been sitting.  “Crap.  And here I thought you came because you finally decided you wanted something better than Captain Canada.  So, where is he, thought you’d bring him.”

“Nah, he watches because I do, he’s not into it that much.”

“Oh, well.  But seriously, I have some sweats if you’d be more comfortable.  All about the comfort, bro.”

“I’ll survive, Eks.  So, what’s for dinner?”

“I ordered room service.  Steaks, sweet potato fries, salads, and dessert.”

“Sounds good.”  Jamie flopped himself down on the bed behind Aaron.  “So, are you caught up?”

Aaron got back up and retrieved his laptop from his suitcase on the other bed, then stretched out on the bed next to Jamie, putting the laptop between them as he opened it and turned it on.

“No.  Two episodes behind.  You?” he said as he logged in.

“Haven’t seen the most recent.  I can watch the other one again, it was really good.”

Room service arrived with their food right about then, so Aaron got up to open the door and sign for it.

“You gotta sit up to eat.”  He moved the cart over to the end of the bed Jamie was laying on settling it between the bed and dresser, then grabbed his laptop and set it on the dresser.  He clicked to CWTV and opened the first episode he hadn’t seen. 

“No telling me spoilers either.” He said as he sat down next to Jamie.

Two episodes of Supernatural later, Aaron sits on his bed with his back propped up against the headboard debating what to do next.  Jamie only made it through an episode and a half and was now stretched out on the bed next to him soundly asleep.  He picks up his phone, snaps a picture, and sends it out to a few select friends with the caption _Sleeping Beauty._

Larks:  _HAHA!  Did you send that to Gaudreau?_

Davo:  _He looks so peaceful asleep.  You wear him out Eks?  Go stud!_

Larks:  _Watch it Davo, that’ll make JH jealous._

JHockey:  _WTF!  No way!  You did not tap that??????_

Eks:  _I don’t kiss and tell._

Jonesy:  _OMG!  Is he sleeping?  You didn’t fucking kill Sid’s piece of ass did you?  Jesus!_

Eks:  _Sleeping Seth.  No worry._

Eichs:  _What’s that about kissing and telling Eks?_

JHockey:  _You fucker!  If you got that before me????  So not fair that you get to play them more._

Saader:  _I think I’m missing something here.  Johnny you got a thing for the Penguin?_

Eks:  _I do believe the comment at the AS game was “I’d climb that and never come down for a week.”_

JHockey:  _Damn straight!_

Eichs:  _I didn’t need to know that._

Davo:  _So Eks, how was he?_

Eks:  _Worn.  I feel guilty that I have to wake him up._

Saader:  _Let him sleep Eks.  I was talking to Murray the other day and he said they’re all worried.  Not his hockey, off ice shit though._

Jonesy:  _Somebody will see him leaving in am and then all the rumors will start with him and Eks having a thing._

JHockey:  _Eks is a big boy.  He can handle that._

Muzz:  _Hey, just realized I had a chat notice.  What the hell is he doing asleep in your room??_

Eks:  _We found out we both like Supernatural.  Decided to get together and watch if we had the chance.  We had the chance.  He fell asleep._

Muzz:  _Don’t fuck with him.  Sid will send the Russian mafia after you._

JHockey:  _I’m not afraid of Malkin.  I’d fuck with him Eks._

Muzz:  _Not G.  grt8!_

JHockey:  _Ovi?  Fuck that shit.  Don’t mess with him Eks.  Not worth that._

Eks:  _Wait!  I have to send a vid!  He’s fucking snoring!!_

Davo:  _Back to the question at hand.  Let him sleep Eks.  Do you care what people say?  Do any of us really?_

Eichs:  _Nope._

Saader:  _LMAO.  The snoring is too much!_

Eks:  _Sent Sid a text.  He said to let him sleep if I didn’t care.  Says he doesn’t think J’s been doing so well lately.  Doesn’t think he’ll actually sleep that long.  Probably be up well before morning._

Larks:  _Let him sleep then.  And how is everybody else doing.  Does it seem like it’s been an extra-long season for some reason?_

Eichs:  _Only a few more weeks._

Davo:  _I know what you mean Larks.  Long.  Think we all are running out of gas._

Muzz:  _I know we’re not supposed to talk about it but some of us are gonna have playoffs too._

Jonesy:  _Rub it in Muzz._

Saader:  _It’s okay Seth.  Let them enjoy it.  Glad for you guys.  Larks.  Davo.  Eks.  That’s what we all play for._

Eichs:  _That’s right Saader.  It’ll be our turn soon.  But I agree with Larks.  This has been a long season.  Maybe cause of WC?_

JHockey:  _Speaking of… summer party at my place.  You need to let me know what’s a good date in July._

Davo:  _We inviting non-NA guys?_

JHockey:  _Up to you guys.  Like who?_

Saader:  _Well, Marsh for one.  Maybe we should make it a NA and under 23 party._

Muzz: _We could do that.  Some of the European guys could come too then if they are around.  Olli would fit in with us misfits._

JHockey:  _Yeah.  Mons could come then._

Davo:  _Stromer, Marns.  Hey.  Ryan Strome too.  We need to make a list._

Jonesy:  _Sounds like this is going to turn in to some party._

Davo:  _We need to stick together.  Especially if we want the league to change for the better.  I think we need to be the ones to keep things moving forward.  You know.  For players like Jamie.  Not the gay thing.  But the other.  Any of us could have problems following injuries or whatever, so we keep us together.  Our own support group._

Eichs:  _Spoken like a true Captain._

Muzz:   _Oh god!  He is the second coming of Crosby!  You’re right Eichs, such a Captain already!_

JHockey:  _He’s already surpassed Crosby boys.  Cros is only Captain Canada.  Our boy Davo was Captain Fucking North America baby!!!_

Saader:  _All hail the hockey god!  Captain North America!_

Davo:  _Fuckers_

Eks:  _Hey.  He’s waking up.  Much as I’m loving the shit on Davo – excuse me – Captain Hockey God I’m gonna go.  Muzz, you starting tomorrow?  See you then._

Muzz:  _Yep.  I’m there.  See you tomorrow Eks._

Larks:  _Tell him we all said hi._

JHockey:  _Tell him I want him!_

Eichs:  _Jesus Johnny! Didn’t I say I didn’t need to hear that kind of shit!_

Jamie stirred then, slowly rolling over on to his back and stretching.

“Mmmm… sorry.” He yawned as he sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.  He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.  He saw Aaron texting.  “Who ya chatting with?”

“S’okay.  Truth.  You looked like you needed it.  I’m just chatting with some friends.  Larks says hi.  All want to know if you’re doing okay?”

“Yeah.  Just.  I don’t sleep well when I do sleep, but I fall asleep at the drop of a hat the past week or so.  Like I’m always tired.”  Jamie stood up and stretched his arms out again, yawning even wider.  “Tell Larks and the boys hi.  I can only imagine who else is in your little group.”

Jamie turned and stood facing Aaron, who was now standing up on the opposite side of the bed.

“Can I ask?  How are you really doing?”

“Most days, okay.  Others… not so good.”  Jamie walked towards the door.  “Thanks for tonight.  It was good, and again, sorry for falling asleep on you.”

“No problem.  See you tomorrow.”  Aaron stepped up and pulled Jamie into a hug.  “You know that there’s a bunch of us who are here any time you need.  Any of the guys I was chatting with.”

“Thanks, Eks.”  Jamie smiled at him.  “I know.”

\-----------------

Sunday morning Jamie walked in to the locker room and was greeted by several catcalls and hoots.  He strode over to his locker and his face turned beet red as a hot flush came over him.

Taped to his locker is a blown-up picture of a smiling Aaron Ekblad and behind him, a sleeping Jamie.  It is captioned _Sleeping with the enemy._

“Fucker.”  He looks around the room, they are all looking at him except for one.  “Muzz you asshole!  I’m gonna kill Eks, too!”

_March 19    Florida 3     Pittsburgh 2_

_­­­------------------_

Over the next week the Pens beat Buffalo and Ottawa on the road, then come home and gain wins over Islanders and Flyers.  They had expected to get a day off during their two-day break before playing Chicago, but no such luck.  Some scheduling changes had been made and instead of a day off, their schedule got really busy for the next few days.

Sunday night they flew out after their game against the Flyers for Boston to make up the game that got snowed out in January.  Monday should have been an off day, instead they were playing another back-to-back.  They lost.  Huge.  Boston routed them 7 – 2.  It was a very quiet plane ride home. 

Tuesday night was the annual Aces & Ice fundraiser for the Penguins Foundation.  Jamie ended up not going, however, claiming that he didn’t feel well.  Sid offered to stay home with him, this event really wasn’t his cup of tea.  He much preferred the events they had for kids than for their high-end donors.  Jamie wouldn’t let him, though.  No point in both of them getting lectured about missing it, he’d said.

So, Sid went alone and Jamie stayed home.  When Sid finally rolled in around midnight, Jamie was already in bed.

\-----------------

The old saying goes that if March comes in like a lion it goes out like a lamb, or vice versa.  Somebody didn’t give Mother Nature the memo about how March came in this year.  It went out the same way. 

The day after Aces & Ice event, the Pens beat the Blackhawks.  Overnight an early spring snow storm blows through the region, blanketing the Pittsburgh area with nearly a foot of snow. 

Jamie wakes up and looks out the window, all he can see is white. Looks like it is shaping up in to a good day just to stay in bed with Sid instead of going for a run, he thinks.  They’re supposed to fly out that morning, however, for New York and a game on Friday against the Rangers.  Around 8 am they get a team text telling them that the flight has been delayed until late afternoon because of the weather.

A short time later Sid’s phone rings.

“Sid.  Must come play in snow with Nikita.  I’m make best snowman, Sid.  You and Marshmallow come.”

Who can say no to making a snowman, Jamie tells Sid when he asks if Jamie wants to go.  And that’s how they end up spending the morning outside, over at Geno’s, making a snowman and playing in the snow with Geno, Anna, and Nikita. 

\------------------

Sid is standing next to the snowman they built, sticking a branch in to make an arm, when a snowball hits him in the back of the head.  He turns to see a grinning Jamie tossing another snowball at Geno.  That’s all it takes for the war to be on!  Soon the three are running around the yard in an all-out snowball fight.  Anna and Nikita flee for the safety of the house.

At one point, Jamie and Geno gang up against Sidney, pelting him with snowballs without mercy as he tries to duck behind the snowman.  Sid finally gives up and just rushes the pair, tackling Jamie to the ground.  Geno falls on top of them and the three wrestle around on the ground, trying to push each other’s faces in the snow, laughing the whole time.  They end up laying side-by-side, breathing heavily in the cold air.

“This best fun.  Glad you come over.”  Geno says once he’s not heaving for air.

“God, I haven’t done this kind of shit in forever.  It was fun, G.”  Sid smiles.

“Hey?”  Jamie looks around, “where’d Anna go?”

Geno and Sid turn and look at each other, saying at the same time, “Hot chocolate!”

“Best Russian hot chocolate!” Geno says as he scrambles to his feet.

The three race to the house where Anna is indeed waiting inside with steaming cups of what Jamie is sure is the best hot chocolate he's ever had.  

\------------

Later that day, they are only fifteen minutes in to their flight when Sid turns around and looks back the aisle.  Jamie is leaning over with his head on Brian's shoulder, his eyes closed.

Sid:  _Is he sleeping?_

Dumo:  _Out cold._

Sid let's himself relax into his seat, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.  It's been a good day. 

_March 31 -   Pittsburgh 3     New York Rangers  4_

They lose their last game of March, but the Pens accomplish what they set out to do at the beginning of the month.  The President’s Cup as the team with the best record in the league, and guaranteed home ice advantage throughout the playoffs, belong to the defending Cup champions.


	40. Operation AR - and a Rocket Richard on the Side?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuni:  We are calling this Operation AR.  And everybody has to be on board for it.  
> Rusty:  AR?  Automatic Rifle?  
> Knuckles:  AR – Art Ross.  
> Rusty:  Oh.  Right.  
> Olli:  I was confused too Rusty.  
> Shears:  Yeah but you’re blonde Olli.  Rusty has no excuse for not getting that.

The 2013-14 points leaders were separated by just six points from the leader to fifth place.  In 2015-16, Kane had dominated the league and the spread was 17 points from first place to second.  The current season was another close race, however.  In March, the lead changed almost daily depending on who played that day.  Jamie, Sid and Geno were in the top ten.  Also fighting for the Art Ross were Jamie Benn, Connor McDavid, Brad Marchand, Joe Pavelski, and Kane. 

The current season had also been a prolific one for scoring so far, meaning that for the first time since the 2009-10 season several players were in line to top the 100-point mark and there was still just over a week left in the regular season.  As is usually the case, the hockey gods decided to shake things up a little in March.  Sid’s wrist injury kept him out for enough games that he dropped from third to eighth on the leader board, but only slipped to third on goals scored leader board.  Brad Marchand also went down the list several places after he missed the last two week of the month with an upper-body injury.  Finally, in Chicago’s last game of the month the Blue Jackets’ Brandon Dubinsky boarded Kane, who ended up with a lower-body injury that took him out of the rest of the season, the points race, and threatened to keep him out of the first round of the playoffs.

On April 1st, Jamie sat in second place behind Jamie Benn, with Connor McDavid just a point behind him.  Pavelski was in fourth and Geno in fifth.  Just six points separated them all.  The Pens, Stars and Oilers all have a game in hand over the Sharks.  All have secured a playoff position, but only the Pens have their seating secured.

\---------------------

First up in April are the ‘Canes.  The Pens lose, but Jamie gets an assist to keep pace with Benn and McDavid. 

The next game is against the Blue Jackets and is the “Shirt Off Our Backs” fan appreciation night.  The Pens pull off the win, 3-1, with Jamie getting one of the goals and Sid picking up the other two, which moved him to within a goal of Ovechkin in that race.

This year a very nice older man named Gary wins Jamie’s sweater.  Jamie happily autographs it for him, then joins his teammates in tossing t-shirts into the stands.  As with last year, the Pens will finish out the season on the road.

The Pens are a happy bunch the next afternoon as they board their charter for the short flight to New Jersey.  Jamie puts on a smile, laughs and jokes with them throughout the flight.  He and Sid get checked in to their room then join everyone for a team dinner.  Jamie smiles and joins in the various conversations.  After dinner, the guys split up into various groups, going back to different rooms to relax.  Jamie gives Brian a look across the dining room and Brian nods.

“I’m gonna go over to Dumes’ room for a while.” Jamie excuses himself from the table.

“Something’s changed.” Sid remarks as Jamie and Brian walk out of the room.

“What mean changed, Sid?” Geno asks.

“I don’t know.  I can’t tell you when for sure, or even put my finger on exactly what’s different, but he’s changed.” 

“I’ve noticed it this past week.  He seems, I’m not sure happy is the word, but maybe, more at ease, less stressed?” Flower commented.  “Like a light switch got flipped or something.”

“He’s smiling again.  Talking.  Kind of like Jamie from before.” Kuni added.  “Like not last season before, but like earlier this season.”

“Tanger?  Any insight on to what’s going on? Not that I’m complaining or anything, but, I don’t want this to be a calm before the storm kind of thing.” Sid questioned Kris, who he thought was privy to Jamie’s dealings with Janet.

Kris sat back in his chair and ran his hand through his hair.  “I don’t know,” he sighed.

“What do you mean you don’t know?  You’re supposed to be his guardian asshole.  Aren’t you doing your job?”  Flower quipped.

“Okay.  Here’s what I know and what I don’t know.  We met with Janet in New York.  We’ll he met with her first, then they asked me to come over to her room.  Evidently Jamie came to some realization, had some, I don’t know, epiphany about his past.”

“That’s good, right?  I mean, you aren’t making a joke about it, are you?”  Kuni injected.

“No.  No joke.  That’s all I know.  He said he didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, not even her, until after the playoffs.”  Kris sighed again.  “I think whatever it is, it’s really got him upset.  But he’s holding it in for now.”

“Why does he do that?  God, if he’d just talk to me.  To you.  Fuck, to any of us.” Sid sounded frustrated. 

“Maybe he’s talk to Dumo?” Geno questioned.

“I don’t think so.” Flower says.  “I think Dumo would say something.”

“Well, whatever reason, this good thing.  No?” Geno said.

“I don’t know.”  Sid admitted, concern in his voice.  “I just don’t know.”

“You don’t think there’s anything to what the trash rags are saying, do you?”  Kuni looks at Sid.

“About him and Dumo?  No.” 

The amount of time Jamie spends with Brian has not gone unnoticed by certain members of the media, and by social media as well.  There is speculation that Sidney has been replaced, despite them also mentioning in the same articles that Brian currently has a girlfriend.  Well, to be fair, there was also a lot of talk about Jamie’s visit to Aaron Ekblad’s hotel room.  Sid is fairly certain that at least one member of the media may be following Jamie.  

They can speculate all they want, Sid thinks.  His only worry with Jamie is about the depression, not about his relationship.  Really.  It’s not.

\-------------------------------

Jamie flops down on the bed, spread eagle with his face planted into the mattress. 

“Oh my god, I’m exhausted.”

Brian stands next to Jamie’s feet, which are hanging off the edge of the bed.  He tugs Jamie’s shoes off and walks over and sets them by the wall near the door before walking back over to the bed.

“You going to sleep here?”  Brian smacks him on the ass before climbing on the bed and laying down next to him.  Jamie mumbles into the bed. “What’s that?”

“I said, I shouldn’t.  People will talk.”  Jamie repeats, turning his face towards Brian.  “I just, I figured from what the guys were saying that they’d be coming to our room and I’m at my social limit for the day.”

“Okay.  Get up then.”

“Ah come on, Dumes.” Jamie whines.  “Five minutes.”

“No.  Come on.” He gives Jamie’s side a poke.  “Get up and take your suit off so you don’t get it all wrinkled.”

Jamie looks confused, but he drags himself up.  While he stands so he can pull his dress shirt and pants off, Jamie watches Brian pull the bedspread and sheets down on the bed.  Brian pats the bed, motioning for Jamie to climb in under the covers.

Once Jamie is settled, Brian covers him back up, then leans down and gives him a kiss on the forehead. 

“I’ll wake you up in an hour.”

“What are you going to do while I sleep?”

“First I’m gonna change, then maybe just watch TV or screw around on my computer.  But I’ll be right here if you need me.  Okay.”

\-----------------------------------

_April 6 -   Pittsburgh   2     New Jersey 1_

_NHL Points Leaders_

_Jamie Marsh (PIT)   114_

_Jamie Benn (DAL)    113_

_Evgeni Malkin (PIT) 113_

_Connor McDavid (EDM)  112_

_Joe Pavelski (SJS)  112_

As of the 6th, the Points race has tightened up, with just two points separating first and fifth.  The good news for Jamie and Geno is that Dallas and San Jose only have one game left compared to their two, but the bad news is that Edmonton also has two games left.  The problem is that those two games for both teams are back-to-backs.  Edmonton’s are a home and home with Vancouver, while the Pens are at Toronto and then in New York versus the Rangers. 

The last two games of the season are meaningless to the Pens as far as their playoff standing.  The media are debating about what Sullivan will do, whether they have Jamie sit on his lead or scratch him, among others, for one or both of the remaining games. 

It’s a short flight to Toronto, and on the plane, all of the players except two are involved in a group chat.  The players have their own ideas about what Sullivan should do.

Kuni:  _Dumes is he asleep?_

Dumo:  _Affirmative._

Geno:  _Okay.  Is time for team meeting.  Sid and Marshmallow not in meeting.  This Kuni and I call._

Kuni:  _We are calling this Operation AR.  And everybody has to be on board for it._

Rusty:  _AR?  Automatic Rifle?_

Knuckles:  _AR – Art Ross._

Rusty:  _Oh.  Right._

Olli:  _I was confused too Rusty._

Shears:  _Yeah but you’re blonde Olli.  Rusty has no excuse for not getting that._

Kuni:  _Boys.  Back to the subject at hand._

Geno:   _Marshmallow need win. He have best season.  He lead league most.  He deserve win trophy._

Flower:  _You deserve to win too G._

Rusty:  _So Operation AR is win one of you the trophy?_

Geno: _IS WIN JAMIE TROPHY!  I have 2.  Want Marshmallow win._

Hags:  _Okay.  How do we do this?  I mean I think Sully said he’s scratching guys both games.  Likely to scratch Jamie?_

Rusty:  _My guess is scratch Sid, Geno, Jamie, Phil, and don’t know who else.  Flower probably sits.  Muzz?  Play Condibear?  Jamie really looks like he could use the rest before playoffs._

Shears:  _He is doing better.  Right?  Dumo?_

Dumo:  _He has his days._

Culls:  _Has Sully said anything about scratches?  Flower?  Geno?  He’s not going to scratch Jamie if he has a chance at the AR is he?_

Geno:  _Sully ask me.  Say he know AR important but not want anyone hurt for playoffs.  Remember what happen last year._

Culls:  _No offense to our current call-ups but Jamie and G have a better shot of scoring with all of the regulars in.  We’ve gotten this far as a team.  Changing things now seems wrong._

Shears:  _It’s a coaches’ decision.  How can we change that?_

Kuni:  _We go to Sully as a team.  All of us.  And tell him we all want to keep the line-up intact for the last two games._

Schultzy:  _I have a question.  I think I know but why aren’t Sid and Jamie in on this chat._

Flower:  _Because we don’t want to make Jamie feel pressured.  You know he’s going to say team over trophy.  Sid said he already expects not play either game.  Said Jamie thinks Sully will scratch him against the Rangers. And Sid is in on this.  He’s reading over my shoulder, but didn’t want to put CAPTAIN pressure on anyone to feel they had to do this._

Flower:  _Ouch!  Fucker just hit me._

Tanger:  _I’m sure you deserved it._

Flower:  _Sid isn’t in on this conversation.  There is no pressure from the Captain to do this._

Kuni:  _God.  Okay, back to the topic again.  Everybody playing is just one issue in this.  The other really is not going to be a problem but rather something that has to be everybody’s mindset on the ice.  Whether we win or lose is meaningless.  But Jamie needs points.  Assists.  Goals.  Doesn’t matter.  So he gets fed.  You PASS before you shoot.  Unless he’s the one who passed to you and you have a shot.  He has to be in on all the goals somehow.  Get it?_

Knuckles:  _So in addition to all the other shit I have to pay attention to, I have to be able to realize if Jamie is going to get a point if I score?_

Flower:  _That should be easy for you Tommy.  You don’t score that often._

Shears:  _Burn!  I’m in._

Geno:  _Is all team in?  Or all team out?  Must ALL go to Coach for work._

Dales:  _I think with the way Sully has been with getting people goals, hat tricks, whatever this year, he’ll be onboard with this.  Don’t you guys?_

Kuni:  _Hope so._

\----------------------------------

They all say the same thing.

_Individual awards are nice, yeah, but winning the Cup as a team means the most._

Maybe they all mean it when they say it.

_I don’t think about it.  I’m just trying to go out and play my best every game._

They know it’s bullshit, because hockey players are competitive bastards.  And, truth be told, they all know that even though it is an individual winning a scoring title, that guy doesn’t get those points all on their own.  It takes a team to win a scoring title.  Just ask anyone whose won one.

One-by-one on Friday, each of the Pens goes to Sullivan’s hotel room.  One-by-one, they all say the same thing.  Sullivan listens politely and then says nothing, so one-by-one they thank him and leave.  Through their team dinner.  Through a team breakfast.  Through their pregame skate.  Sully says nothing.

It isn’t until they are on the bus on their way to the Air Canada Centre that Sully finally stands up and addresses the team.

“Okay boys.  So, tonight and tomorrow the starting line-ups will be the same, except for goal.  Muzz starts tonight.  Flower will back-up tonight and get a break completely tomorrow when Condi will start.  No other scratches.”  He looks out over them, finding Jamie in his seat next to Brian.  “Jamie, what say you go win that trophy!”

\--------------------------

_April 8 -   Pittsburgh 4   Toronto 1_

_NHL Points Leaders_

_Jamie Marsh (PIT)   116_

_Connor McDavid (EDM)  116_

_Jamie Benn (DAL)    115_

_Joe Pavelski (SJS)  114_

_Evgeni Malkin (PIT) 113_

Jamie plays almost 25 minutes, the kind of ice time usually reserved for defensemen not forwards.  It pays off as he racks up an assist and a goal.  Sid gets two goals, one on a power play when Jamie isn’t on the ice.  It moves him even with Ovechkin in that race. 

McDavid and the Oilers, however, have a banner night against the Canucks, winning 7-2.  McDavid has four points on the night, two goals and two assists, moving him into a tie with Jamie for the lead.  If they end the season that way, McDavid wins the Art Ross based on the first tie-breaker.  He has more goals.  Jamie has to win outright.

The Stars and Sharks are done.  Benn will end the season with 115 and Pavelski with 114.  The only players with any real chance of winning are Jamie, Geno and McDavid.

The Pens get into New York late, getting settled in to the hotel around 2 am.  The coaches give them the morning to themselves, with no pre-game skate scheduled the boys are free until the team meal.  The game has been moved to 8 pm and will be televised on NBC instead of Root Sports.  The later start means that the Pens game will start only an hour ahead of the Oilers game, giving them about two hours of roughly head-to-head playing time between Jamie and McDavid.

The NBC announcers are practically salivating over getting that set-up.  In the studio, Mike Milbury and Jeremy Roenick are, as expected, leading the McDavid brigade, while Liam McHugh seems to be on team Marsh.  Doc Emrick and Eddie Olczyk, calling the game, are split in their feelings on who is or should win the Art Ross.  Emrick can’t quit talking about McDavid and his season, how he’s helped the Oilers turn their franchise around, taking them to the playoffs for the first time since the 05-06 season.  Olczyk thinks that Jamie has had the better season, especially with the ‘adversity’ he says Jamie has played through.  Pierre, well, he gushes over Jamie, of course.

In the studio –

“Well it certainly looks like the Penguins are out to get Marsh the Art Ross,” McHugh says during the pre-game show.  “It looks like they aren’t scratching any of their top players tonight despite the game being meaningless for them.”

“I certainly hope this move doesn’t backfire on them,” Milbury chimes in.  “I mean, as a coach you have to weigh the benefits of one player winning an award compared to going in to the playoffs with all your best guys healthy.”

“Well, Edmonton seems to be doing the same thing.”  McHugh counters.

“Well, but Edmonton has a chance to win their division tonight.  That’s different.  The Pens will be the top-seed regardless of the outcome tonight.  They’ll be playing the Flyers in the first round whether they win or lose.  Why not rest your stars?  Including Marsh.”  Roenick argues.

At the game –

The first period is hard fought, with both teams getting several scoring chances, but both heading to the locker room scoreless.  The Edmonton game is just starting when the Pens and Rangers come back on the ice for the second period.

About ten minutes in, Jamie’s ass is dragging.  He’s double shifting again, and only coming off the ice for a shift in between.  At some point, he’s played with every line.  He has, however, been kept off the boards. 

“Marsh’s ice time is just under 14 minutes half-way through the game,” Olczyk comments.  “And yet he’s still being shutout.”

“He’s on the ice now with Cullen and Kuhnhackl, now.  Letang brings the puck out from behind the Pens net and will set up the play as they move through the neutral zone.”  Emrick calls the action.  “Letang passes to Cullen.  Cullen to Marsh, back to Cullen, who shoots wide of the net.  Girardi is there, tries to clear it up the wall, but Letang cuts it off and keeps it in the Rangers’ zone.  Letang to Dumoulin.  Across the middle to Kuhnhackl.  He shoots.  Raanta makes the save!  But the puck is still loose in front.  Cullen is there.  Marsh.  It goes in!  Goal!  And the Pens are on the board.  I think Marsh is going to get the goal.  I think he got the last stick on it.”

“I think you’re right, Doc.  They are looking, but the Pens think it’s Marsh’s goal as he leads the celebration past the bench.”  Olczyk adds.  “That gives him the points lead.”

The Pens end up taking a one-goal lead into the second intermission. 

In the studio –

“So far, neither game have seen a lot of scoring.  The Pens lead the Rangers, 1 to nothing, after two.  Edmonton is down to the Canucks 1 nothing as the first period comes to a close there.”  McHugh reports.  “I have to say, things are shaping up for a tight finish to a couple of scoring titles across the NHL tonight.  Alexander Ovechkin has been shut-out through two periods in the Capitals game with Florida.  The Caps lead that game 2 nothing, however, on goals by Burakovsky and Beagle.  Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby are currently tied for the Rocket Richard.  Right now, neither one have scored tonight.  Mike, what are your thoughts on that race?”

“I think Ovechkin gets a goal tonight.  He’s had some shots that have come close.”

“Rang one off the post,” Roenick interjects.

“Yeah, he has had some opportunities.  Unlike Crosby, who has no shots on net tonight.  The whole game for the Pens seems to be about Marsh.  The Pens have 16 shots on goal and Marsh has 10 of them.”

“And I think he was on the ice for all of the others.  He’s getting a lot of playing time from Mike Sullivan tonight, so I think you’re right.  Seems that the Pens want that title.”

“Between the scoring races and the Oilers trying to clinch their division, the last games of the regular season are not lacking for excitement.”  McHugh says.  “I personally am looking forward to a possible match-up between the Oilers and Pens for the Cup finals.”

“I don’t see that happening.  I think the Oilers go out in the first round.  They face either San Jose or Anaheim, and I think that the post-season experience those two teams have will be hard for Edmonton to overcome.”  Roenick states.

“I have to agree.  I don’t think Edmonton goes past the first round.  And I think the Pens go out in the second round if they face Washington again this year.” Milbury says.

At the game –

The Rangers come out flying in the third period, getting two goals past Condon within the first two minutes.  They take a couple of bad penalties back-to-back, though, and the Pens capitalize on the power play, with Sid getting one of the two goals they score. 

The Rangers tie the game at the 12-minute mark on a Rick Nash goal, then go ahead three minutes later when Zuccarello gets a breakaway goal. 

With five minutes left, Jamie goes over the boards with Sid and Horny. 

“Crosby collects the pass from Daley.  Miller is there to pressure.  Crosby circles back into his own zone and will bring the puck across center ice.  He shoots a pass ahead to Hornqvist who carries it across the blue line.  McDonagh is there. Hornqvist chips the puck in.  Marsh is after it as it comes around the boards.  He’s met at the puck by Staal.  Who’s going to come away with it.”  Emrick describes the play-by-play.

“Looks like Grabner is getting in there, Doc.  Two on one against Marsh.  You can hear the linesman telling them to keep going.”  Eddie injects.

“And the puck comes out, looks like Grabner’s got it.  He shoots it out but Crosby is there keeping it in the zone.  He shoots.  Oh, what a save by Raanta.  And he’ll hold on to it.” Emrick says excitedly.  “The face-off will be to his right.”

“Looks like the Pens will keep Crosby and Marsh out there, and bring Cullen in as a second center for the face-off, Doc.  Cole and Schultz on defense.”

“A surprise, it looks like Cullen is taking the face-off against Stepan.  Crosby set up on the right and Marsh on the left.  And Cullen wins the draw.  Crosby has the puck.  He passes to Marsh. Marsh sets, looks to pass.  No.  He shoots.  Goal!  Jamie Marsh beats Antti Raanta on what is probably a designed play off the face-off for the Pens.  And we’re tied at four!”  Emrick announces.

“Marsh got Raanta to bite on the fake pass and open up on his blocker side.  That puts Marsh up by two in the scoring title race.  Connor McDavid is still without a point in the Edmonton game against Vancouver.”  Eddie adds.

The Rangers score with 52 seconds left in the game and win 5-4.  The Pens wish they could have done more.  Wish Jamie had gotten in on the other goals somehow.  Wish Sid could have gotten another goal.

In the end, though, they did enough.

In the studio –

“Who would have thought it last year.  This year certainly hasn’t been what anyone expected.  It was McDavid against Eichel.  It was to be Matthews against Laine.  The number one pick against the number two.  New rivalries to keep us entertained for seasons to come.  And here comes this kid out of nowhere in Pittsburgh and throws a monkey wrench into the mix.”  McHugh comments.  “Not only that but the Oilers and the Flames are in the playoffs.  Mike Milbury, Jeremy Roenick, your thoughts on all that?  Oh.  And Sidney Crosby out-goals Alexander Ovechkin.  So, an old time rivalry had some play this year, too.”

Edmonton gets shut-out by Vancouver.  Ovechkin doesn’t get a goal.  And… the Pens celebrate the whole way back to Pittsburgh.

_April 9_

_NHL Leaderboard_

_Points_

_Jamie Marsh (PIT)   118_

_Connor McDavid (EDM)  116_

_Jamie Benn (DAL)    115_

_Joe Pavelski (SJS)  114_

_Evgeni Malkin (PIT) 114_

_Goals_

_Sidney Crosby (PIT)  51_

_Alexander Ovechkin (WSH)  50_

_Connor McDavid (EDM)  45_

_Jamie Benn (DAL)  43_

_Austin Matthews (TOR)  42_


	41. Time-Out Called

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie comes over in the afternoon to visit with Troy and Trina, as well as to pick up some clean clothes.  They don’t ask why he is staying with Brian or when, well if, he’s going to come back to Sid’s, even though they are dying to.  Sid had warned them not to get involved.  Jamie talked to Sid in private for a few minutes before he left, which his parents did ask about.
> 
> Sid, looking a bit forlorn, just said that things were fine.

Saturday Morning, April 8th – Air Canada Center, Toronto

“I don’t understand why you’re upset about it.”  Sid quipped as they walked out into the hallway.  “It’s because they want you to get the title.”

“You don’t get it.  Jesus, Sid.”  Jamie ran his hand through his sweaty hair, pushing it back off his forehead, refusing at the moment to turn around and face Sid.  “That’s not why they did it.”

“Why do you think they did it then?”

“Because you’re the fucking Captain and I’m you’re fucking boy.”

“What?  Are you serious?  Oh my god, Jamie.  They wouldn’t do it for that reason.  Trust me.  They want you to do this because you’re you.  It has nothing to do with you being with me.”

“Right.  Pretty easy for Sidney Fucking Crosby to say that.”

“You know, that’s getting old.  You know better.  I’m not this Sidney Fucking Crosby you keep talking about.”

“Bullshit.  You’ve already flexed your muscles where I’m concerned.  Why wouldn’t I think you’d do it again this time.  And this time, Sid,” Jamie huffed and turned around, “this time I don’t want it.”

“You know what, so fucking what if I did influence them, they all agreed and they all did it.  And I don’t understand why you wouldn’t fucking want that kind of support from your teammates, Jamie.  You’ve been the fucking best in the league all season.  You should win the title.  And you know fucking well that you won’t do it with a bunch of guys who’ve played at Wilkes all year or have only played a handful of games up here.  Not against the Rangers if it comes down to that game.”

“They didn’t all want to do it, Sid.” Jamie interrupts him.

“And besides… wait… what?  Who?  Did somebody say something?”  His features instantly change, taking on his ‘pissed off captain’ look.

Jamie reads the look and turns, knowing he won’t be able to hide his emotions from Sid at this point.  “No. Never mind.”

“Jamie, tell me, did somebody say or do something?  Why did you say that?”

“Don’t worry about it.  I’m a big boy, I’ve heard a lot worse the last year.”  Jamie turns around.  “So here’s the deal CAPTAIN,” he emphasizes the word, “you’re going to go to the coaches and tell them to scratch you, and Tanger, and Geno tonight and tomorrow.  We can’t risk going in to the playoffs with any of you hurt.”

“No.  I’m not.  Not unless you can give me a better reason.”

“You know what, fuck you!” Jamie grabs a stick at the end of the row where Dana has them stacked for the game and pushes it into the rest, sending them scattering to the floor before he storms down the hall.

\---------------------------------

When they get back to the hotel, Jamie goes to Brian’s room.  It doesn’t take long for Kris and Flower to show up in Sid’s room.

“What’s going on?  Were you an asshole again?” Flower smacks Sid in the chest as he walks past him and in to the room.

“I was not, thank you very much.  He’s the one this time.  He’s upset you guys went to Sully.”

“I told you he would be.  No one listened to me.” Kris settles in to a chair.

Flower glares over at him, “You are so full of shit.  You said it was a good idea.”

“Okay, I’m listening now.  Why was it a bad idea, Tanger?”  Sid waves Flower off when he goes to say something.  “Let it go, Flower.”

“It’s not in him.”

“Winning a fucking scoring title isn’t in him?  What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Do you remember way back to when you were thinking about taking him in, when he first came here?  You told me what someone said about him going unnoticed?”

“Getz” Sid had called the Ducks’ captain to get the low-down on Jamie.  Getz’ comment came back _He’s pretty quiet, low key._ “He doesn’t like the attention?  But he was okay with the streak when he had that going.”

“Not really.  Think about then, he celebrated the goals, but not much over that.  And he was very quiet about it with the media, not want to talk about it with them, you know.”  Kris pointed out to the other two.

“I thought he was just being superstitious, like maybe some of Sid rubbed off on him.” Flower smirked.

“He didn’t mind Sully playing him extra or whatever to keep the streak alive, or to get him a hat trick that one game, why now?  What’s different about this?”  Sid asks.

“What exactly did he say during your argument this morning?” Kris nods at Sid, when Sid starts to say that they didn’t argue, “Yeah, it was hard not to hear it.”

“Point taken.  Anyway, he just said it wasn’t right to risk guys getting hurt just for a stupid trophy.” Sid pauses before he continues, “A stupid trophy? I told him I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to win.  Fuck.  I want goals so bad I can taste it, just to be able to hold it over Sasha that I beat him this year.”

“What else did he say?” Kris questioned further. 

“Did all the guys agree to going to Sullivan?”

“Yes, and everybody did go.  Why?”  Flower said.

“Nothing.  Something he said.”  Sid has been pacing around the room and finally sits down on the bed.

“He thinks he’s getting special treatment, doesn’t he?”  Flower states.

“How’d you know?”

“Hags said Jamie was upset about it that one time.  That he said something about the team resenting him.  I think it was the time on the plane, you remember Hags sent you the little brother text and you laughed, cause you said only the Canadians had called him that.”  Flower continued. “Did someone say something to him?  One of the call-ups?  I can’t believe anyone else would have said something.  The whole team has become pretty protective of him, the kids, too.”

“Do they do it because of me?”  Sid questions.  “Because he and I are together?”

“You have a lot of sway Captain, but no.  He’s one of those guys.” Kris snickers, “it’s more like they like him despite the fact he is with you.”

“Funny, Tanger.”

“No, he’s right.  I’ve heard guys talk, around the league, at the all-star game.  He’s only in his second year, but Jamie’s already one of those players that other players just like.  You’ve seen it.  Fuck, isn’t that what you said about him before you got together, you know, when we’d ask.  There’s just something likable about him.”

“They hate watching him struggle off the ice, our guys do, that is.  They are all pretty amazed at the year he’s had despite everything.  They want this for him.  He needs to hear that.”  Kris added.

Sid rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, putting his face in his hands and sighing.  “Two steps forward, one step backwards.”

“What?” Flowers asked.

Sid sat back up.  “I just get done telling you guys how I think he’s doing better and then this.  It’s like taking two steps forward and one step back all the time.  I wish… I just wish I could make everything okay, like it was before.”

“I can go talk to him if you want.  I think he was meeting with Janet before he took his nap he said.”

“Yeah, Kris, maybe you should talk to him, to her, too.  See if this is just because of his depression or if something else is going on.  I’m just going to give him his space, let him hang with Dumo.  He’ll be back, this isn’t like last summer.”

“How do you know that?  You should go grovel,” Flower stood up and walked over and tried to poke Sid in the chest.  “Don’t fuck this up.  Vero has her dress already picked out for the wedding and Stell is counting on being a flower girl.”

“How do I know this isn’t the same?  I don’t know.  It just doesn’t feel the same.  I think that maybe he just needs to figure out a few things in his head.  I wish I knew what happened, what was said.”  Sid got up to walk his friends out.  “I do know one thing that’s a good sign, though, he’s still got his ring on.”

\-------------------------------------------

It might not have been the same as the fight last July, but Jamie wasn’t about to let it go any time soon.  After he talked to Janet, and then Kris, he went to Sully’s room to tell him that he didn’t want to risk getting anyone hurt and that whatever happened with the scoring title happened.  Sully, as he had with everyone else, didn’t say anything, so Jamie thanked him for his time and left.  He napped in Brian’s room, tossing and turning restlessly, waking Brian several times because he’d jerk awake.  Eventually Jamie gave up on his nap and just got up and took a shower while Brian slept.

When he went back to the room he shared with Sid to get dressed for the game, Jamie didn’t talk to Sid.  He just quietly packed his suitcase, dressed in his suit, and went down to catch the bus.  He tried to smile and look happy when Sully announced the starting line-up and then added _Jamie, what say you go win that trophy_! and everyone clapped and shouted.

On the flight to New York later that night, Jamie sat next to the window with his eyes closed and avoided talking with anyone.  Brian doesn’t even bother him.  Sid walks past twice, but doesn’t stop to talk with him.  All Sid had gotten from Kris was that infuriating ‘Jamie’s not talking about it’ response when Sid had asked what Kris found out when he talked to Jamie.  Sid did pause on one of his trips, stopping to stare down at Jamie’s hand laying across his chest.  The ring is still there.

At the hotel, Sid grabs his bag and goes to check himself and Jamie in to their room.  He’s coming back across the lobby when he sees Jamie standing at the elevator with Brian.  He’s about to say something when the doors open and the two step on.  Jamie doesn’t even turn around to look at him.

Sid doesn’t see or hear from Jamie until the team’s pre-game meal the next day.  Brian walks in first, with Jamie trailing behind him, head down.  Sid’s really surprised when Jamie doesn’t sit with Brian and the kids, or with Sid and the guys, but instead goes and sits with Janet off in a corner of the room.  Sid tries to stay in the conversation at the table, but his attention keeps getting drawn to Jamie and Janet. 

He watches Jamie shake his head several times, push his food around on his plate, then finally just get up and walk over to talk to Sullivan.  Jamie says something, Sully nods and Jamie leaves.  Sid looks over at one of the kids’ tables where Brian is shoving the last of his meal in to his mouth, then Brian gets up and bolts out the door after Jamie.

Sid’s a little concerned when he gets on the bus to go to the game and finds Jamie sitting with Rick Tocchet instead of Brian.  Brian just texts him _Don’t ask_ when Sid gives him a puzzled look. 

By the time they board the flight home, Jamie is evidently talking to Brian again, but still hasn’t said anything to Sid, other than what was needed during the game.  Sid just says for Kris, Flower, and now all of his other friends as well, to let it go.  Jamie is at least smiling and talking as the team celebrates his Art Ross win and Sid’s Rocket Richard win on the flight.

\--------------------------------------

The flight lands in Pittsburgh just after two-thirty in the morning and taxis to the charter flight area, they are keeping the workers up late, but if it means the guys get to wake up in their own beds and homes, then the Pens will pay for late night charters.  Jamie waits patiently for most of the guys to grab their suitcases and head out.  When he picks his up and turns, Brian is standing there waiting for him.  They walk in unison towards the parking lot.

“You coming with me?” Brian offers.

Jamie had been walking with his head down, but looks up when Brian speaks.  Sid had been ahead of them, and Jamie sees him stop at his vehicle.  Brian’s car is further down the lot from Sid’s so they’ll have to walk past it.  Sid is standing at the back, tossing his suitcase in.  Sid straightens and looks across the lot at Jamie, who stops walking.

“Fluff?”  Brian stops as well.

Jamie’s eyes are fixed on Sid and he’s chewing nervously on his bottom lip.  Brian watches as Jamie plays with the ring on his finger, rubbing his fingers over it.

“Fluff?”

Jamie closes his eyes and swallows hard, then he opens his eyes, glancing between Sid and Brian several times.

“Yeah.  If that’s okay.” 

They walk past Sid, Brian stopping just long enough to let him know Jamie is going to stay with him.

\--------------------------------

The video showed up online Tuesday, evidently taken outside the locker room at the Air Canada Centre, near where Dana has the hockey sticks lined up for that night’s game.  Still in their practice uniforms, having just come off the ice from their pre-game skate, you can clearly make out that it is Sid and Jamie even from the distance from where the video was shot.  You can’t really hear them, but it is quite obvious that they are arguing.  The audio picking up the occasional expletive when voices were raised may also have been a clue.

The final scene is Jamie knocking the sticks over, sending them clattering to the floor.  There is a very clear ‘fuck you’ as he then storms down the hall walking away from Sid and the locker room door.

Sid watched the video.  It wasn’t bad, but it certainly wasn’t good.  Everyone knew about the fight, including the Pens management and PR staff.  They didn’t know if there was a video, but had assumed that in today’s age of everyone having a camera on their phones that there was a strong likelihood that a video would show up at some point.  As was the case with most of the items that circulated the internet about Sid and Jamie these days, they chose to not acknowledge it.  The standard ‘No Comment’ that had become the norm when asked about Jamie since the All-Star game was applied.

Jamie had eventually calmed down and come back, picking up the sticks and apologizing to Heinze and his crew but there isn’t video of that.  That goes unnoticed.  What doesn’t go unnoticed is that Jamie and Sid aren’t talking after the fight, and that Jamie is staying with Brian.  When that news hits the internet, accompanying the video of the fight, the @pensweddingwatch sites blow-up.  Word is that their favorite couple is no longer a couple.

\-----------------------------

Wednesday morning, Sid’s goal before the pre-game skate, is to find out who it was that posted the video. Turns out it was a guy on the equipment staff, somebody they’d just hired a month before to fill a spot that opened up when one of the other guys got a new job.  He is rather unceremoniously escorted from PPG Paints Arena.  There isn’t much they can do other than terminate his job for breaking his confidentiality clause.  Jamie feels sorry the guy got fired, Sid doesn’t care.

Sid’s second order of business is to keep trying to figure out who said whatever it was that upset Jamie.  He’s got his posse, as Sully calls that core group, working on it as well.  Sid watched Jamie at practice all day Tuesday, trying to figure out if he avoided anyone, well anyone other than Sid that is.  Nothing seemed unusual, however.

That night, the Pens opened their run for back-to-back Stanley Cups against the second wild-card team, the Philadelphia Flyers.  It’s a 4-1 victory.  Sid has a great game, two goals and an assist.  Jamie doesn’t get a point. His play is all over the place.  He makes some costly errors that only by the saving grace of Flower don’t end up in points for the Flyers, and he takes three penalties for stupid mistakes.  Sullivan chalks it up to just nerves and being pre-occupied with the video and the latest news on the internet. 

“Optional skate tomorrow,” he announces after the game.  “I DO NOT expect to see Hags, Phil, Jamie, and Sid.  You guys get maintenance days tomorrow.  Also, Bones and Culls are off-ice workouts only.  Friday, is non-optional.  We practice at 11 am.”

As everyone is heading out, Sullivan pulls Sid aside, “Take him out tomorrow, or do something to get him to relax a little.  Take his mind off everything.”

Sid laughed, “Yeah.  Easier said than done.  He’s staying at Dumo’s.”

Sullivan’s brow furrows, a worried look on his face.  “Is there a problem?”

“No.  I just think he needs some space.  Hey, have you seen anyone or heard anything from the team about maybe, well, about maybe resenting Jamie and thinking he gets special treatment?”

“You think that’s what’s wrong?  Think somebody said something?”  Sully’s pretty astute at reading his players, so he’s wondering how he’d have missed something like that.  If it was true, it meant there either already was a problem, or potentially there was a problem brewing in the locker room.  “I’ll keep an eye open.  I do know there’ve been no issues all season, so if there were now, it would have to be coming from the Wilkes guys.  I’d hate to think they’d be like that.”

“Me too.  But I really think he’s having some issue with being ‘my fucking boy’ as he put it.” Sid sighed.

“But you haven’t split, have you?  Kate already bought a new dress for the wedding.”

“Already?  The wedding isn’t until August.” Sid chuckled.  “She and Vero Fleury must really plan ahead.”

\-----------------------------------------

“Why don’t you call him?  Or go over?”  Trina Crosby asks her son as they sit having breakfast the next day. 

“He’ll call if he wants.”

“I don’t understand.  You know what happened before.  Why aren’t you going after him.”

“I explained it to you, Mom.  I just think he needs his space for a few days.”

“Are you sure you weren’t a douche again?”

“Mom!”

“Trina!” Troy admonishes his wife.  “Really?”

“Well you saw the video.”  She retorts.

Jamie comes over in the afternoon to visit with Troy and Trina, as well as to pick up some clean clothes.  They don’t ask why he is staying with Brian or when, well if, he’s going to come back to Sid’s, even though they are dying to.  Sid had warned them not to get involved.  Jamie talked to Sid in private for a few minutes before he left, which his parents did ask about.

Sid, looking a bit forlorn, just said that things were fine. 

\------------------------------

The Pens take game two of the series, 2-1.  Jamie doesn’t have as bad a game as he did in game one, but he still doesn’t have a point yet.  They fly out to Philadelphia on Monday after a morning practice.  Jamie asked and got okay’d to have his own room, which concerned Sid and Brian a little, but neither say anything.  As he’s unpacking his extra suit, Sid’s phone chimes.

BB:  _Can we go to dinner?  Just us?_

Sid:  _Of course.  Where and when?_

BB:  _An hour?  Can we go to the cheesesteak place?  Where you took me last year?_

An hour later Sid stands in the lobby of the hotel, rocking back and forth from heel to toe, his hands shoved nervously in his pockets.  He’s wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and light spring jacket.  He’s staring intently at the floor until he hears the elevator doors.  When he looks up, Jamie steps off, dressed in jeans and an old Oil Kings sweatshirt.

They take an Uber that Jamie arranged over to the sandwich place.  There’s not much of a crowd, it might still be a little early for the normal dinner rush.  Sid orders for them while Jamie finds an out-of-the-way table.  Sid brings over their cheesesteaks and two bottles of water and sits down across from Jamie.

“Still not as good as Primanti’s” Jamie muses as he takes a bite.

“Ssshhh… not too loud.  We’re likely to get lynched if they hear that.”  Sid laughed,

“So, what did Mom and Dad say?” Jamie wiped some cheese off his lips and then licked his fingers. 

It took Sid’s brain a few seconds to register that Jamie had asked him a question.

“Huh? Oh.” He stammered once it kicked back in to gear.  “Nothing.  They’re just worried about you.  And Mom is worried she’s not going to get a wedding.”

“You tell them?”

“Said we were fine.  We are fine, right?  You said so.”

“Yeah.  We’re fine.”  Jamie nodded.  “We’re on a date after all.”

“A date?  Is that what this is?  But you asked me, shouldn’t you have paid then?”

“No.  You are working on getting back in my good graces, remember.”

“Well, in that case, if this is a date then I think we need to really do it right.  And of course, we won’t be telling Tanger about straying from his plan.”  Sid smirks.

Jamie questions Sid about what he means, but Sid just says that Jamie will like the surprise.  When they finish their sandwiches, Sid tells Jamie not to call for a ride, saying they can walk to the next spot.  Much to Jamie’s surprise, Sid reaches out to hold Jamie’s hand, lacing their fingers together as they walk.  They stop several blocks later in front of an interesting looking place.

“Franklin Fountain?” Jamie reads the sign.

“Trust me.”

The place turns out to be an old-fashion style fountain soda style café.  They find a couple of seats together at the counter, where one of the soda jerks, a nice looking young lady named Amber hands them a couple of menus.

“Oh my god, we are so not telling Tanger about this,” Jamie whispers to Sid as he looks over the different ice cream concoctions on the menu.

Sid asks Jamie if he wants to split a sundae and Jamie looks at him like he’s got two heads.  Jamie settles on the Mt. Vesuvius, a hot fudge brownie mound of pure joy he discovers.  Sid has the Peach Melba Parfait.  Of course, they have to try each other’s picks, and in the end, actually more or less share both desserts between the two of them. 

When they get back to the hotel, Sid asks Jamie if he wants to come back to his room.  Jamie gives him a kiss, but says that he’s just going to go back to his own room and turn in early.

“Thank you for dinner and dessert.  Love you.” Jamie calls as he walks down the hall and disappears into his room.

A while later Sid’s settled in for the night, watching TV.

Tanger:  _So how did date go?_   _Get lucky?_

Sid: _No.  But it was good.  How’d you know it was a date?_

Tanger:  _He came by to talk.  Do you think he looks okay?_

Sid:  _What do you mean… okay?... he looks tired._

Tanger:  _His eyes looked dark around them.  And he looks thinner.  Drawn I guess you would say._

Sid:  _I’ll check it out tomorrow._

\----------------------------

Tuesday night they take game three from the Flyers, Wednesday the team goes to dinner as a group.  Jamie sits with Brian, Tommy, Conor, and Bryan at the other end of the tables from Sid.  He orders a steak and fries, pushes a lot of it around on his plate and ends up giving most of it away.  Sid watches him during dinner.  Kris is right, Jamie looks tired.  He’s quiet all evening, but not completely withdrawn.  He smiles and nods his head, engaged in at least listening to what’s going on around him.

After dinner, they break up in to various groups to go hang out in whoever’s rooms, a few just turning in for the night alone.  Brian asks Jamie if he wants to come watch a movie, but Jamie declines.  He stops by Sid’s room to say good night, but then says again that he’s just going to turn in early.

Game four is a brutal affair, as are most contests between the Pens and Flyers.  But faced with elimination, the Flyers have nothing to lose and hold nothing back.  Sullivan does his best to keep emotions in check, reminding his players to just play.  It works, through two and a half periods that is.  The Pens are up 3-1 when Jamie finally gets his first playoff points in the form of a goal on a breakaway. 

With the game looking out of hand, the Flyers get more aggressive.  Following the puck-drop to restart play, Simmonds flattens Sid as he comes across the center line.  Jamie steps up on Simmonds, but the linesmen get between them before anything gets started.  A few shifts later, Kris is chasing the puck down in the Pens’ zone when Voracek boards him hard.  Brian, Tommy and Matt rush in on Voracek.  The Flyers come to his defense and an all-out line brawl ensues.

After the officials sort things out, Tommy and Matt get game misconducts.  Voracek ends up getting ejected as well.  And the penalty boxes are full, but it works out to a five-on-four power play for the Flyers.  Jamie ends up out on the penalty kill, then because they are short two forwards, he plays most of the remaining minutes.

On the plane ride home, there isn’t much celebration.  Both Sid and Kris say they are okay, but both took extremely hard hits.  Their status may change as the effects of those hits sinks in over the next couple of days.  The good news is that they have those days to heal and rest, having put the Flyers away in four games.  Now they just need to sit back and see who wins between the Capitals and the Rangers.

Jamie tries to get some sleep, leaning against Brian, but he can’t get comfortable.  On the drive home, Brian asks him if he’s alright.  Jamie just says he doesn’t feel good, that he’s just tired he thinks.  What he doesn’t tell Brian is that his insides are all jittery and his heart feels like it is racing. 

Jamie grabs a Gatorade when they get home and drags himself to bed.

Brian sits straight up in bed with a jolt, the loud crash startling him from a sound sleep.  He scrambles out of bed and down the hall to the bathroom.

“Fluff?  Jesus Christ.” He exclaims at the site that greats him.  Jamie is on the floor in the middle of the bathroom, the shower curtain crumpled next to him, the rod broken.  “What happened?”

Jamie tries to sit up, his body not wanting to work.  “I, uh, I don’t know.  I don’t feel so good, Dumes.”

Brian kneels down next to him.  Jamie is panting, his skin pale, he’s nauseated and he can’t focus on anything.  Brian gets Jamie propped up against the wall and tells him to stay there while he goes and gets his phone.

\--------------------------

KDKA  @CBSPittsburgh   1 hour

Breaking News –  Getting reports Pens Jamie Marsh taken to hospital following suicide attempt.  No confirmation from @Penguins.  Updates as details become available.

KDKA @CBSPittsburgh    45 min

EMS reportedly called to home of d-man Brian Dumoulin.  Call came in at 6:48 am.  19 y/o male, unresponsive.

KDKA @CBSPittsburgh  15 min

@Penguins confirm LW Jamie Marsh taken to hospital.  No further details.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From Franklin Fountain menu...
> 
> Mt. Vesuvius  
> A mountain of CHOCOLATE or VANILLA ice cream erupting in CHOCOLATE BROWNIE boulders, cascading with HOT FUDGE and blanketed in MALT POWDER. A dollop of WHIPPED CREAM indicates her smoking signal. A true display of Pompeii-an circumstance. {Brownies & malt powder contain Gluten.}
> 
> Peach Melba Parfait  
> A solo act of fresh PEACH ice cream dressed in a curtain of RASPBERRY COMPOTE, bejeweled with ALMONDS and encircled with a necklace of ruffled WHIPPED CREAM.  
> Following soprano Nellie Melba’s performance of Wagner’s Lohengrin in 1893, French chef Auguste Escoffier was moved to create an exquisite dessert for Dame Nellie.


	42. Give Them What They Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What do you mean then, that we give them a wedding?” Rutherford asks.  “You mean we don’t respond to any of the stories?”  
> “No.  We have issued our statement.  And it’s the playoffs, and Jamie’s privacy is an issue, so we don’t have to say anything else.  So, we use actions.  The Pens go all out to support their two stars.  I know it’s unprecedented, but as we’ve all said, this is a brave new world we’re in, so let’s show them that having an open same-sex couple on the Pens, and in the league, is something to celebrate.  We have a huge wedding.”  Jen states.  
> “Jamie, you’d be okay with that?”  Sid asks, concern written on his face.  All he can think is how he wishes that they’d have never come out.  That if they hadn’t, Jamie wouldn’t have gone through everything he has the last year.  He’s not sure this is the answer.  
> “Would you?”  Jamie retorts.  
> Sid sighs, looks down at his hand which is still holding Jamie’s.  “Yes.”

Brian was standing outside the emergency room entrance waiting when Sid and his parents got there.

“Severe Dehydration.” Brian said.  “He’s okay. He came around in the back of the ambulance when they got about a half a bag of fluids into him.  Also, his blood sugar was extremely low.  The paramedics said it read 70 when they checked it.  It should be up around 100.  The doctor just came out and said he’s on his second bag of fluids and he’s eating.”

Sid stopped only long enough for Brian to give him that quick update before he continued in, going straight to the check-in.

“Where’s Jamie Marsh?” he asked impatiently.

The woman at the desk looked up, instantly recognizing the hockey star.  “Just one moment and I’ll get someone to take you back, Mr. Crosby.”

It was only a couple of seconds before one of the nurses appeared. 

“He’s doing fine.” the guy says as he directs Sid back to one of the treatment rooms.  “Dr. McCloskey is the physician on duty at the moment.  We have a call in to the Penguins’ medical on-call.  I think it’s Dr. McLane.  My name’s Ryan if you need something.”

When Sid walked in, Jamie was sitting up in the bed, an IV attached to his arm.  He didn’t have a shirt on, just a pair of sweatpants.  A cardiac monitor was attached to his chest, the steady beep the only noise in the room. There’s an empty food tray on the stand next to the bed, and Jamie is drinking a bottle of Gatorade. Jesus, he looks thin, Sid thinks as he looks Jamie up and down, his eyes determining if Jamie really is okay.

“Hey” Jamie says sheepishly.

Sid steps up next to the bed, takes Jamie’s face in both his hands and leans in to kiss him.  When he finally pulls away, he keeps holding Jamie’s face.

“You’re coming home.  No questions.”

Jamie simply nods.

\---------------------------

Jamie reads through several articles as he and Sid sit waiting for Rutherford and the others in one of the conference rooms at the training center.

_As is normal during post-season play, the Pittsburgh Penguins are not releasing any information on the medical condition of second-year forward Jamie Marsh.  The Pens have officially reported that Marsh was taken to the UPMC Emergency Department by ambulance.  The official statement from the team is that Marsh suffered from severe dehydration following game four of their playoff series with the Philadelphia Flyers.  The Pens have denied that Marsh attempted suicide as was initially reported._

He flips through a couple more, then goes to Deadspin. 

 _The pressure of being openly gay in the NHL may be proving too much for Pittsburgh Penguins left-winger Jamie Marsh.  Sources inside the Pens organization have confirmed to Deadspin that Marsh did in fact attempt to harm himself following his very recent and very public break up with star center Sidney Crosby. (See Video Here)_ This _is the same thing that happened in August 2016, when Marsh was hospitalized and it was later confirmed that he had attempted suicide then.  Our inside sources report that Marsh and Crosby had in fact separated last summer and were not together at the time of the first attempt either._

He sits back in his chair and closes his eyes.  Fuck. 

A few minutes later, Rutherford strolls in, followed by Mario, Sullivan, Jen, and Morehouse.  They all take seats around the table.

“Well, it’s good to see you’re doing better, Jamie,” Jim says.

“Thank you.”

“First things first, we want you to know that you still have the complete support of this organization, from the top down.  With that said, though, we do have some concerns that need addressed.  Mike.”  Jim nods at his coach.

“Well, my top concern has been your play so far this post-season.  I think that what happened and what I’ve learned since the other day are an indication that we have a problem.  I’m trying to figure out how a player leaves after a game suffering from dehydration severe enough to put him in the hospital and none of my trainers knew about it.  Then there’s the issue with your weight loss.  Twenty-five pounds in a week?  That’s a real concern.  I know all your medical tests came back fine, so the only thing they can attribute it to is stress and not getting enough calories.  And again, my trainers knew nothing about it.”

Jamie sits with his head down, his hands resting on the top of the table.  Sid is staring at him, an irritated look on his face, a clear indication he didn’t know any of the things Sullivan was saying either.

“We don’t like to pry, Jamie.  We let you keep things to yourself as long as we know that you are talking to Janet.  You know that she is permitted to talk to us about your status, and any concerns she may have that we need to keep an eye on, but even she didn’t know things were as bad as they evidently are.”  Jim picked up the conversation.  “You have somehow managed to avoid your physical exams and time with the trainers for at least the last week.  We aren’t sure how you did that.”

“I’m sorry.”  Jamie said under his breath. 

“Jamie, Sid asked me if I had heard of any problems on the team.  Regarding you.  Is there something going on?”

“No.  I told Sid not to worry about it.” Jamie glanced at Sid, flashing anger that didn’t go unnoticed by the others.  “There’s no problem.  I just.  I’ve been trying to fight through things.  I guess it just finally got to be too much.”

“Do you need some time off?  Away from the pressures of the playoffs?”  Jim asked.  “Or is there something else we can do to help you?”

“I don’t know.” Jamie regarded the others, trying to gauge their actions, “you’ve done more than I probably deserve already.  I’m really sorry I’ve let everyone down.”

“You haven’t let us down, Jamie.”  Mario spoke up right away, “good lord, you’re play has been more than we could have hoped for when we brought you here.  And as for everything else, well, we’re all in uncharted territory here.  You and Sid are in a unique situation.  Helping you deal with your personal issues.  We are all learning as we go and I think that what the real issue is here,” he gives stern looks to Sullivan and Rutherford, “is that we don’t want to make a mistake with how we deal with your illness and the press, or how we deal with you.  We don’t want to lose you.  So, when you pull away and hide things from us, from trainers, or whoever, then we run the risk of losing you and we don’t have the information we need to try and help prevent that.”

“We really do just want to do what we can to make things easier for you and Sidney, and to help you with your PTSD in any way we can.  You know that, right son?”  Jim adds.

“Yes, Sir.  I know that.  And again, I’m sorry.  I just.”  Jamie hesitates, until Sid reaches over and covers Jamie’s hand with his, giving it a reassuring squeeze as he whispers ‘go ahead, tell us’.  “I told Sid, I’ve heard worse all year long.  It’s not a problem.  I just never thought…”

“You never thought you’d hear it from a teammate, from inside the Pens.”  Sully finishes the sentence.  “Who was it?”

Jamie shakes his head, “No.  I’m not saying.  It doesn’t matter, okay.  They are entitled to their opinion, just like everyone.  Just because we’re on the same team doesn’t mean they have to like me or Sid, or our lifestyle.  So, no, I’m not saying.  And, please don’t just yell at the whole team or put out some blanket statement.  It’ll probably just make things worse.”

“What was said, will you at least tell us that?”  Mario asks.

Jamie debates for a minute before he takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, and tells them. 

“I was called a fucking faggot drama queen.  Then they said that I wouldn’t even be playing on other teams as fucked up as I am, and that they guess if you’re fucking the Captain you get special treatment. There were some others, along those lines. Like I said, I’ve heard worse.”

“From one of our guys?”  Sully sounds pissed.  “That’s so fucking wrong.  I’m sorry.  That type of shit needs addressed, Jamie.  You’re right, they are entitled to their opinions, and they don’t have to like you, but that type of language is not tolerated in this organization.  Period.”

“I agree.  And normally I’d be the first one in line to knock some sense into them, but that was before.  So, I’m asking.  Please just let it go for now.”  Jamie pleads.  “After the season.  After the playoffs.  At least until then.  Please.”

Reluctantly, they agree.  But Sullivan affirms that the entire team gets a lecture after the season is over, and if they want to play for the Pens next year, they will understand that that type of language is unacceptable from Pens’ players.  When he gets done with that rant, Sully addressed Jamie.

“Okay.  Now, as for your current physical status.  Here are the new ground rules.  You meet with Chris or one on the assistant trainers every day, even off days.  You get checked before, during and after all practices and games.  All you do with Trinc is stretching.  No off-ice work-outs other than to warm-up on a bike.  You meet with one of the nutritionists every day as well.  We work on putting some weight back on you.  That’s in addition to meeting with Janet daily, and everything else you need to do as far as team meetings, videos, and whatever.  Which means if you aren’t at one of the centers, you need to just rest, cause you will be busy when you’re here.” He gives Sid a ‘and you’ll make him rest’ look.

Jamie nods, “Yes, Sir.  I understand.”

“Now.  As for the current PR nightmare, the reports that this was another attempt to hurt yourself.  We have issued statements, but there are still rumors flying rampant.  About you and Sidney as well.  This seems far worse, for a lack of better word, than we’ve seen since that Pens couple watch thing started.  Worse than all the stuff at the All-Star break.  So, I’m going to ask, Jen, what do we do?”

“About the only thing that would quiet things now would be a wedding.”  Jen says with all seriousness.  “The trash sites that we’ve always been able to ignore are flooded with rumors and stories that you’ve split, that this isn’t the only other time Jamie has tried to hurt himself over you, and they don’t mean August, and that the pressures of being an out couple are too much, which is why no one else has come out in the league.  That story is appearing on a lot of mainstream sports news sites, though, so I really am not sure how to proceed.”

The others start discussing the rumors and stories.  Jamie sits there, silent, thinking.  Finally, he interrupts the others.

“She’s right.”

“What’s that, Jame?” Sid asks.

“Jen’s right.  We need to give them a wedding.”  He looks around the room and sees nothing but confused faces, even Jen, so he continues.

“Look, I’ve asked before, both Sid and Sully, about why nobody else has come out even though several guys told us they would.  It’s not a money thing for teams, fuck, our games are still selling out, anything with Sid’s name or mine on it sells, if the internet is any indication, when a Crosby number 20 sweater hits the market it’s going to be one of the hottest ticket items out there.  And as for the players worrying about money, Sid hasn’t lost a single endorsement, not one.  Timmies and Gatorade even added me to their deals.  And I got a good contract and according to Brisson, CCM and Bauer are competing to get me on my own endorsement deal.  So, it’s not financial.  It’s personal.  It’s being under a microscope that is unlike anything you’ve gone through before.”

He pauses for a moment, sees the understanding coming to their faces.  He looks at Sid as he continues.

“I think maybe we were naïve, or I was, to think that we could ever just be us, be like all our teammates that are married or in relationships.  If you were with a girl, nobody would care, you could probably keep your whole relationship private, even a wedding.  But you’re with me.  Nobody cares if Flower and Vero have an argument.  Nobody cares if Catherine takes Alex and goes to Canada for a week.  But if you and I do anything, it’s front page news.  We aren’t going to be able to have a quiet wedding.  We’re the first.  We’re the ones everyone is watching.  They haven’t come out because they’re waiting for us, or at least for me, to implode under the pressure, and that’s what they think has happened now.”

“I think that sums up what I was trying to say pretty well, Jamie.”  Jen commented.

Sid sits there, letting it sink in for a minute before he looks away from Jamie.  “Your right.”

“What do you mean then, that we give them a wedding?” Rutherford asks.  “You mean we don’t respond to any of the stories?”

“No.  We have issued our statement.  And it’s the playoffs, and Jamie’s privacy is an issue, so we don’t have to say anything else.  So, we use actions.  The Pens go all out to support their two stars.  I know it’s unprecedented, but as we’ve all said, this is a brave new world we’re in, so let’s show them that having an open same-sex couple on the Pens, and in the league, is something to celebrate.  We have a huge wedding.”  Jen states.

“Jamie, you’d be okay with that?”  Sid asks, concern written on his face.  All he can think is how he wishes that they’d have never come out.  That if they hadn’t, Jamie wouldn’t have gone through everything he has the last year.  He’s not sure this is the answer.

“Would you?”  Jamie retorts.

Sid sighs, looks down at his hand which is still holding Jamie’s.  “Yes.”

\-----------------------------------

“You awake?” Jamie’s on his side, his back to Sid.

“Yeah.” Comes the reply, sleepily, Sid’s was almost out.  He’s on his side, but facing Jamie.

Jamie rolls over so he can look at Sid, just able to make out his features in the dim light.

“Why me?” he asks quietly.

“Why you what?”

“Why did you fall in love with me?”

“That’s a silly question,” Sid reaches out and cups Jamie’s cheek in his hand, when his thumb rubs over Jamie’s cheekbone, it’s wet.  “Why wouldn’t I fall in love with you?”

“You’re Sidney Fuc… you’re Sidney Crosby.  You could have anyone you wanted.  Why me?”

“I still don’t know why you have to ask that.  Okay, you say I could have anyone, but that’s really not true, or maybe I’d have fallen in love a long time ago.  And I don’t mean G.  I mean with any of the people I dated after him.  I didn’t, though.  Then into my life walked this young, confident, incredibly handsome man and to top it off, he was an amazingly talented hockey player.”  Sid’s thumb trails under Jamie’s eye, brushing away the wetness.  “But the best thing about him was that he had the most beautiful green eyes that I’d ever seen.  I fell in love with these eyes first.”

“You’re making fun of me.”

“No, I’m not.  You asked me why and that’s why.  I fell in love with your eyes, and the rest of you.  You’re what I want in life.”

“I know that’d I’d have made it to the NHL at some point, but,” Jamie lets his hand come up and cover Sid’s, pulling it away from his face and lacing their fingers together.  “am I here because of you?”

“What do you mean by here?  The NHL?  Pittsburgh?  I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Pittsburgh.  With the Pens.  Last year, why wasn’t I sent down to the A?  Why’d they bring me here?”

“Cause they wanted to give you a try-out, told you that at the time.  And you earned your spot here.”

“Don’t lie to me.”  Jamie pulls his hand away from Sid’s.  “Truth.”

“Truth?  Okay.  Mario wanted you here.  He’d heard that Anaheim was maybe shopping you, or wanted to, and he went to Jim and did some behind the scenes wheeling and dealing so that Murray offered you with Hags.  He wanted you to be here, with the Pens and not in the A, made Sully keep you here.  It was supposed to be just until the All-Star break, but like I said, you earned a spot.”

“How can I be sure of that?”

“Oh my god, seriously, Jamie?  Where the fuck is this coming from?”

Jamie rolled back over, putting his back to Sid again.

“Please, baby boy.  Talk to me.”

“Do you really believe that I belonged here last year?  That I really made the team on my own merit?”

“Yes.  I do. You’ve played for Sully long enough now to know that nobody gets special consideration.  If you hadn’t been good enough, you’d have been sent down.”  Sid reached up and pushed on Jamie’s shoulder, getting him to roll over on to his back.  Sid propped himself up on his elbow and dipped his head down to lightly kiss Jamie’s cheek.

“I want you to listen to me, okay, cause I don’t know where this all came from, if it’s because of the PTSD or because you really lack confidence in yourself,” Sid kissed Jamie’s cheek again, “which I doubt.  You have some serious swagger on the ice, I’ve seen it.  I’m guessing it’s the depression, fueled by what you were told or over heard.  So, here’s the way I see things. You got drafted and you didn’t get sent back down to Juniors, they kept you in the A and gave you a one year contract.  So, you were good enough to make an NHL team, basically.  You proved that when you got called-up over guys with more years in, right?  Right?”

Sid waited for a response from Jamie.

“Yeah, but…”

“No but.  I have no doubt that if what happened to you hadn’t happened, you’d have played the way you did when you came here, and you’d have stayed in the league, and they wouldn’t have traded you, and then where would I be?”

“What?”

“If you don’t get traded, if you don’t come here and earn your spot on the team, and trust me, Sully wouldn’t have played you if you didn’t earn your spot, well, then I don’t have you living in my house, and I don’t fall hopelessly in love with you, and I end up alone and miserable for my whole life.”  Sid leaned down and kissed Jamie’s cheek again. 

“Alone and miserable?  Without me?”  Jamie snorts out a laugh.  “Right.”

“You don’t think so?”

“No.  Cause if I stay up with the Ducks, I’m so brilliant that I take them to the Cup finals, where we kick some Pens ass and you see me across the ice and still fall hopelessly in love with me.  But it takes you forever to figure it out, cause I’m like, the enemy.  It’s the whole enemies to lovers story.  I can see it now.”  Jamie cups Sid’s face in his hand and lifts his head, bringing their lips together in a soft kiss, before pulling back and adding.  “That’s how it could have happened.”

“You read way to much of that fanfic shit, baby boy.  But I like it.  So are you going to tell me who it was?”

“No.  It doesn’t matter anymore.  We won the titles.  Nobody got injured.  And, well.  I guess I just have to believe what you say about how amazingly talented I am.”

“I speak from experience.  It takes special players to make the league in their first year, I mean to play enough games to have it count as their rookie season.  To do it at 18, 19, or even 20 years of age is pretty tough.  You’re in elite company.”

“No lacking for ego, there Cros.  I am reinstating fucking back as your official middle name again.”

Sid laughed.  “Okay.  If you use it for that reason.  But no more invoking it in anger.  So, are we okay, then?  You’re talking to me?  You aren’t going to leave and move in with Dumo?”

“Were okay.  I won’t leave you for Dumes.”  Jamie yawned.  “And thank you.”

“For what?”

“Putting up with me.”

Sid smiled and planted a kiss on Jamie’s forehead.  “I love you.”

\-----------------------------------

When needed, Jen and her staff can get things done in a hurry.  And surprisingly, Trina Crosby can push two weary hockey players, whose minds are focused on the playoffs, into making some decisions rather quickly, too.  They opt to stay with the August date because of hockey school taking up their time right after the end of the season.  There are fine details to work out, but they have enough for now to make the announcement.  The day before the Pens begin the second round of the playoffs against the Rangers, who needed six games to oust the Capitals, the following is sent to 1250 people, neatly written on black card stock in gold letters.

 

 

_Troy and Trina Crosby_

_request the honor of your company_   
_as they celebrate the marriage of their son,_

  
_Sidney Patrick Crosby_   
_to_   
_James Robert Marsh_

  
_Saturday, August 5, 2017_   
_PPG Paints Arena_   
_1001 Fifth Avenue_   
_Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 15219_


	43. The Rangers - Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Rangers had eliminated the Capitals in the first round, in six very hard fought games.  There were differing views of how well both teams would be coming in to round being brought up in the media coverage.  There were those who felt the Rangers had the edge even though they might be a bit tired with only two days between the end of their first series and the start of the next.  It was a momentum thing they said, the Rangers would keep rolling.  The Pens were rested, others said, eager and ready to take on the Rangers.  Critics responded by saying the week off would cost the Pens their momentum.  They’d blown through the Flyers, then had to sit.  And wait.  And get complacent. 

The meeting with the top brass had been Saturday morning, from that point until the following Thursday when the Pens opened round two of the playoffs, Jamie was kept on a short leash.  The only thing he did that he wasn’t supposed to do was to get up early and run, making Sid promise not to tell.  He wasn’t about to give up one of the things that normally would help him mentally.   He wanted to get back into that habit, having skipped his morning run several times over the last few weeks because he was slipping further into a dark place.  He needed to claw himself back out.

He also realized that part of the problem was that he was trying so hard to put on the happy Jamie persona around everyone.  It was probably one of the reasons that in addition to the dehydration, Dr. McLane had diagnosed Jamie with physical exhaustion.  They’d kept him in the hospital overnight, and most of the day Friday.  Saturday after the meeting, Jamie had met with the trainers and nutritionists instead of practicing with the team.  They ended up giving him Sunday off, too, having him just come in for a check-up and to stretch with Alex Trinca.

Sid made Jamie rest at home, with the help of his mother, who watched over Jamie like a hawk.  She posted his meal schedule on the fridge and made sure that he followed it to the letter, even to the point of waking him from a nap so that he got his high-calorie shakes on time.  By Monday, when he was allowed back on the ice for the first time, Jamie had only put two pounds back on, but his body at least looked well-rested and ready to go.

Monday afternoon they met with Jen and some of her people to pick out the invitation style.  And to make sure that their personal guest lists were added to the rather expansive list the PR staff had put together, filled with NHL bigwigs, and various media people.  When they got done, 1250 invitations were printed and sent out.  Jamie just shook his head when Sid asked him again if he was alright with this whole thing.

\-------------------------------

The Rangers had eliminated the Capitals in the first round, in six very hard fought games.  There were differing views of how well both teams would be coming in to round being brought up in the media coverage.  There were those who felt the Rangers had the edge even though they might be a bit tired with only two days between the end of their first series and the start of the next.  It was a momentum thing they said, the Rangers would keep rolling.  The Pens were rested, others said, eager and ready to take on the Rangers.  Critics responded by saying the week off would cost the Pens their momentum.  They’d blown through the Flyers, then had to sit.  And wait.  And get complacent. 

Right.

Game one in Pittsburgh was Thursday, April 27th.  It was also the day that the official wedding announcement was posted on all of the Pens’ social media and internet sites, as well as all of the wedding watch sites, and on Jamie’s social media accounts.  He posted a picture of his hand over Sid’s, the rings visible and then wrote, _Set the date, Aug 5, 17!  Can’t wait to marry the Captain._

That night, there were a lot of signs in the stands wishing them well, asking Jamie not to marry Sid or Sid not to marry Jamie so that they could marry the fan instead, and signs telling them that they wanted to see the Cup at the wedding. 

The Pens were well rested and came out full-force against the Rangers, who looked tired and off their game.  The most well-rested of all the Pens looked like the player who’d won the scoring title finally.  It took Jamie about two minutes to get on the board with an assist off a goal by Sid.  Then just two minutes later he’s trailing the play into the Rangers’ end as Kris jumps in on the rush.  Kris shoots.  Lundqvist blocks it, but can’t wrap up the rebound.  Sid is there, taking a second shot.  This time the puck bounces out farther, right to McDonagh who tries to clear it.  Jamie intercepts it just inside the blueline and doesn’t hardly give the puck time to settle before he snaps his wrists and shoots it back towards the goal.  Lundqvist doesn’t see it until too late.  And just like that, Jamie has his first goal of the playoffs and the Pens are up 2-0.

In the second period, Jamie racks up two more assists on goals by Horny and Sid, as the Pens go up 4-0.  The third period doesn’t go much better for the Rangers, as Hags and Phil get on the board.  Unfortunately, Kuni takes a penalty late in the period for a trip, and the Rangers score on the power play, taking away the shut-out.

Game two is another win for the Pens, this time 4-2.  They fly to New York for the next two games.

\---------------------------

Game three goes to the Rangers.  The Pens have a really off night; nothing seems to be going their way.  Their penalty kill goes 2 for 7, which in itself is bad, but the fact that they took seven ‘completely stupid’ penalties as Sullivan pointed out, was a huge issue.  Jamie and the other forwards couldn’t seem to connect any passes, turning the puck over numerous times.  The defense looked just as bad.  The Rangers end up winning, 6 – 1. 

The team goes out to dinner the next night, using it as a way to refocus and get past the loss.  Jamie really isn’t in the mood to have to be social, but the lure of a New York steakhouse is too strong.  Everyone looks to be relaxing and enjoying dinner, except Jamie.  Sid keeps an eye on him, trying to figure out what’s wrong.

They aren’t sitting in their normal groupings, even though they are at one huge table.  A couple of the Wilkes guys are sitting across from Jamie.  Jamie keeps his head down, Sid notices, avoiding eye contact with them.  He’ll look up occasionally when someone else says something to him, but Sid doesn’t see him look at those two.  Porter and Archibald. 

Sid tries to think back to when they were called-up in relation to when Jamie had heard the derogatory comments.  He thinks that Porter at least was with the team then.  It’s worth checking.

They’re spread out, walking in small groups on the way back to the hotel, when Sid gets his confirmation however.  Porter is walking just behind them, and Sid is holding Jamie’s hand.  Jamie leans into Sid, whispers in his ear and gives him a kiss on the cheek.  Sid hears the comment that follows.

“God, do they have to do that in public?” Porter says to someone.  Sid’s not sure if he said it loud enough for them to hear on purpose or not, but he knows Jamie heard it, too, by the way his hand tightens on Sid’s.

“Don’t” Jamie says as Sid is going to turn and address the issue then and there.  Sid isn’t going to let it go, however he stops when he hears one of the others beat him to it.

“You know, Ports, that not right attitude.  And we not say things like you say.  Not to teammates.  To family.  Not even to rivals.” 

Sid lets himself steal a quick peek behind them.  Geno is walking next to Porter, his arm thrown over the other man’s shoulder.

“Penguins open to all people.  Not judge.  I hear comment again I go to Sullivan.  Or maybe just Russian mob.  You understand?”  Geno says quietly.

The next day, Porter is conspicuously absent from the optional skate.  Normally only the veterans, or guys who’ve been with the team all year skip an optional skate this time of year.

That night, the Pens come back to take game four.  Jamie pretty much owns Henrik Lundqvist, getting two goals and two assists.  The Pens win 5-3 and head back to Pittsburgh looking to eliminate the Rangers in game five.

\------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Jamie gets up and goes for a run.  They have the day off, since there is a two-day break between games four and five.  Jamie’s leash has been lengthened some, too, and he doesn’t have to report in to anyone today, just on days when they practice or play from now on.  As long as he continues to improve.  He’s added another ten pounds over the course of the week, and is at least at a more acceptable weight to the trainers. 

When he gets home, Trina is of course up and waiting for him, cooking breakfast.  She also has his high-calorie shake ready.  They may be the best part of all this, Jamie thinks.  Thick, creamy, delicious vanilla shakes three times a day.  He settles down at the kitchen table and pulls out his phone, going to check playoff news from the night before.

_Pens Reassign Porter to WBS, Sundqvist to Pittsburgh_

The headline shouts out at him from the screen.  He’s about to go confront Sid about it, but he starts getting text messages.

Hags:  _Can’t believe it when I heard what he said.  Totally unacceptable.  We got your back!_

Shears:  _Wanted to let you know I went to Sully about Ports.  Don’t want that kind of player here.  Got your back, man!_

Kessel:  _Thought about just hitting Ports for you.  Went to Sully about him.  We got your back!_

Tanger:  _Good riddance!_

Dumes:  _All of us went to Sully.  Didn’t expect more than just a team meeting and lecture.  Call if you want to talk or come over today._

Knuckles:  _Would never have thought it of him.  Guess you can never tell about people.  We got your back!  Always._

Flower:  _Today’s lesson, Grasshopper… don’t fuck with my family._

Holy shit.  One by one over the next couple of hours the text messages from teammates keep coming.  Jamie doesn’t know exactly what to say or how to feel.  It is what he would have done for Kyle, for any teammate, he knows that.  But, that was before.  He just sends back a simple _Thank you_ to everyone.

That evening he and Sid are watching TV with Troy and Trina after dinner when he gets a group chat notification.  Sid hears his phone chime as well and gets up to retrieve it.

Horny:  _Just got around to actually going through mail from the last week.  Got this invitation to some event in August.  Anybody else?_

It takes a few minutes for anyone to respond, but soon they are all chatting.

Flower:  _Vero has her dress already._

Tanger:  _So does Cath.  What is it with women?_

Rusty:  _Did anyone know that Jamie’s middle name was Robert?_

Jamie:  _What of it?_

Rusty:  _Nothing._

Rusty:  _Jim-Bob._

Hags:  _OMG!  Perfect!_

Jamie:  _No! It isn’t!_

Sid:  _I love it!_

Geno:  _Where that from?  I hear joke about name one time.  Something about saying good night?_

Culls:  _From a TV show right?  From the 70s I think._

Kuni:  _The Waltons.  My kids watch reruns.  Good-night, Jim-Bob!_

Fehrsy:  _Good night, John-boy!_

Jamie:  _Stop it!_

Shears:  _Good night, Mary Ellen!_

Knuckles:  _How’d you know a name?  Or did you make that up?_

Shears:  _Google._

Hags:  _Good night, Jason!_

Knuckles:  _Oh.  wait_

Knuckles:  _Good night, Elizabeth!_

Dumes:  _Hags is right that is perfect!  Jim-Bob it is!_

Jamie:  _Dume-ass!  Don’t encourage them!  You’re supposed to be on my side!_

Sid:  _Stop whining.  Jim-Bob._

Kessel:  _Good night, Erin!_

By now, Sid is laughing out loud and Jamie keeps telling him to knock it off.

“What’s so funny?” Troy asks, to which Jamie gives Sid the ‘don’t you dare’ look.

“Jamie’s new team nickname.  It only took a year, but I think they’ve found the perfect one.”  Sid tells them about the chat, which has both his parents laughing.

“Yep, I like it.”  Trina says and Jamie groans.  He’s not going to win.

When they’re lying in bed later, Sid leans over and whispers in Jamie’s ear.

“Good night, Jim-Bob.”

“Fuck you!” comes the reply as Jamie rolls away from him.

“Okay.”  Sid responds as his hand slides down Jamie’s side and slips under the waistband of his boxer briefs.

Jamie rolls over onto his back and Sid props himself up so he can lean over Jamie.  He starts to kiss his neck, working his way up to nibble on Jamie’s ear, while he palms Jamie’s cock.

“Playoffs?”  Jamie moans as he tips his head back, shivers running down his spine as Sid’s warm breath hits his ear.

“Fuck it.  I’ve missed this.”  Sid whispers.  “I’m hungry, baby boy.”

“Fuck yeah.” Jamie turns his head so Sid can kiss him. 


	44. The Rangers - Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the horn sounds at the end of the game, it is a barely cordial handshake line as the Pens celebrate moving on to the next round.They’ll be facing Montreal who put away Tampa Bay in six games.It’ll be a short turn-around, the Pens will get just two days to rest and recoup.
> 
> During the playoffs, teams do not make player injury reports available.However, internal status reports are done by the trainers on a daily basis for the coaches.The day after the game, the internal list of player statuses doesn’t bode well for the Pens going into the conference final.

Much to Jamie’s chagrin, Jim-Bob stuck.Well, okay, to be honest maybe he didn’t mind that much.It was probably easier to use than Marshmallow, he thought.

Jamie never admitted to Sid, Sully or anyone that it was in fact Kevin Porter who had made comments before, but he didn’t deny it either.It was funny, though, Sullivan thought, that the whole locker room seemed to lighten up again after Porter was sent back down to Wilkes-Barre.His exact words to Sid had been ‘we didn’t need a cancer like that effecting the team’.

Jamie found out that in addition to Geno, some of the others had heard what Porter said in New York.Individually, or in small groups, they had all in turn gone to Sullivan and Rutherford with that information.Kris and Flower, who knew that there had been an earlier incident that upset Jamie, were the first.As far as they knew, or anyone would admit, Porter had been the only one making the comments.When Sid saw Jamie screwing around on the ice with Archie and Suny at the pre-game, he felt more confident that Porter had been the lone person.

He also personally went to Sullivan and Rutherford and thanked them.He had always told Jamie that they had the team’s support, and that hate wasn’t tolerated.It was nice to see that it was true.Actions after all speak louder than words.

\------------------------------

Game five is a wild affair.The score goes back and forth through the first two periods, and the Pens carry a one-goal lead into the third.They manage to control play through 16 minutes, but don’t score.The Rangers dig deep.They aren’t ready to give up yet.Mark Staal steals the puck from Bones as he and Phil are just entering the Rangers’ zone.Staal snaps a pass to Zuccarello who’s takes it on a one-on-one breakaway as the defense were trying to change behind the play.Jamie and Sid are watching from the bench, yelling at Schultzy to get back, but it’s useless and they know it.Zuccs has him beat.Game tied.

The goal gives the Rangers the motivation they need as they become relentless fore-checkers for the last four minutes of the game.It pays off when Nash puts a slap-shot past Flower with just 15 seconds left in the game.When the horn sounds, the Pens head to the locker room dejected, knowing they have to go back to New York for another game.

\-----------------------------

On one of the first days after he got out of the hospital for the dehydration episode, Jamie talked to Janet about him trying too hard to ‘be happy’ around people.It made Jamie realize that, while they all knew about his depression and more or less what Jamie was going through, he had never really talked to anyone outside his little circle of Sid’s friends and Brian about it.Especially not PTSD if that is what Janet said he had.So, Jamie decided to make a point of going to each teammate and talking to them.He told her he needed help.It was a huge step.

Janet had been proud of that decision, but also a little worried.It was a big decision for the kid who was normally extremely private and guarded about his depression.They all knew about the depression.Some understood it.Some didn’t, but they asked questions.What Jamie wanted them to really get from their chats was his need to not have to be social, or happy, or out-going around the team.With the playoffs, and the announcement of the wedding date, he was getting hounded by the media and public more than ever.Jamie knew he could turn to Brian, and he’d finally started to feel he didn’t need to put on an act around Sid all the time.But, he needed more than just the two of them as a safe-zone.He needed the team.He needed the locker room.He needed the plane and the bus and the hotel rooms.

And they came through for him.

Shears and Knuckles went to Jen and asked to do more media, hoping that it would help take some of the pressure off Jamie.Culls and Fehrsy ran interference a couple of times, distracting the media while Jamie ducked out of the locker room after a game.Jamie was astonished at their response, with how they circled the wagons, he told Janet.Sid kept pointing out to him that they did it because Jamie asked, because of him and not because of Sid.Jamie wasn’t necessarily convinced of that, but he just went with it.

On the flight to New York for game six, Jamie wore his suit, but once on the plane, took off his jacket and slipped on a hoodie.Five minutes in to the flight, he had the hood pulled up over his head and was leaned up against the window, his back to the world, well, to the team anyway.Dales was sitting across the aisle from Jamie and Brian.When he saw Jamie pull the drawstrings of the hood tight, effectively shutting out everyone and everything, he sighed.He got up and went to find one of the flight attendants.

A few minutes later he came back with a blanket and pillow, leaning over Brian to nudge Jamie.

“Here.” He said, prodding Jamie.

Jamie turned his head and peered out through the small opening he’d left.When he saw the pillow, he raised his head and let Trevor slip it behind him.When Jamie laid back against the pillow, Trevor opened the blanket and tossed it over him, covering Jamie’s body and head.

He reached over and patted Jamie on the top of his head, “Night, Jim-Bob.”

A muffled thank you came out from underneath the blanket.

When Trevor sat back down, Brian reached across the aisle and tapped him on the shoulder.“Thanks.”

“Must be having a bad day,” Trevor whispered back.“Hope he’s okay to go to dinner.”

Brian reached over and shoved at Jamie’s leg. “You gonna go to dinner with us?”

“Steak.” Came the response, again from under the blanket, no other sign of acknowledgement or life made.

“He’s coming, Dales.”

Trevor sat back in his own seat, a pleased smile on his face.

\------------------------

It’s the Pens who appear to be the more determined team in game six.Muzz getting the call in net for the night and he is holding off everything the Rangers have through two periods.All the while, the Pens offense has scored at will on Lundqvist.They head in to the locker room up 4 – 0.

Midway through the third period, the Pens are up by 5 and the game is virtually out of reach for the Rangers, desperation and frustration take over their play.Things go to hell quickly.

The first casualty is Bones who takes a slash across his wrist and leaves the game.Next, Brian gets knocked into the boards hard.He gets up slowly, barely making it to the bench before Stewie has him and is helping him down the runway.Over the last part of the period, Sid, Geno and Shearsy all get hammered into the boards.Jamie takes a hard cross-check to his side, just under his pads, it knocks the wind out of him.They’re all shaken, but manage to stay in the game.

The injury that might hurt the most happens with two minutes left in the game.Kreider took a shot and Muzz couldn’t find the rebound.Kreider and Nash crashed into Muzz, jabbing away trying to find the puck.Jamie and Coler tried to get in and get between the Rangers and Muzz, but in the fray Muzz’ mask came off and he took a knee to the head.He goes down to the ice in pain as the officials finally blow the whistle to stop play.

When the horn sounds at the end of the game, it is a barely cordial handshake line as the Pens celebrate moving on to the next round.They’ll be facing Montreal who put away Tampa Bay in six games.It’ll be a short turn-around, the Pens will get just two days to rest and recoup.

During the playoffs, teams do not make player injury reports available.However, internal status reports are done by the trainers on a daily basis for the coaches.The day after the game, the internal list of player statuses doesn’t bode well for the Pens going into the conference final.

Murray – day-to-day / concussion (headache and vision issue)

Bonino – out / broken hand

Dumoulin – day-to-day / passed concussion, but feeling ‘off’

Crosby – day-to-day / bruised hip

Shears – day-to-day / shoulder soreness/showing limited range of motion

Marsh – day-to-day / bruised ribs

Malkin – day-to-day / wrist

Kuhnhackl – day-to-day / bruised foot

Daley – day-to-day / elbow

\------------------------------------------

Sid and Jamie get home before Troy and Trina, whose flight wasn't getting in until an hour after the Pens' charter, and then they were waiting at the airport for Taylor’s flight to get in as she is coming for the conference finals.They team had spent the night in New York, opting for a morning flight home instead of their usual late night trip after an away game.Jamie carries his bag in and sets it at the bottom of the stairs before going in and sitting down on the couch.A few minutes later, Sid joins him.

“What do you want to do today?” he asks, sitting next to Jamie so that their shoulders touch.Jamie has his head back against the cushion, his eyes closed.

“Sleep.”

“Are you sure?We’ve got at least two hours before anyone will be home.”Sid brought his hand over to rest on Jamie’s thigh, letting his thumb draw lazy circles over the fabric of Jamie’s suit pants.

Jamie raised his head, opened one eye and looked at Sid suspiciously.“Who are you and what have you done with Sidney Crosby?”

“What?I told you, I’ve missed this.”

“What about your hip?”Jamie quizzed.

“It’ll be fine.I figured you could just do all the work.”Sid pushed himself up off the couch.He held out his hand, offering to help Jamie up.“If your ribs can take it.If not, we can just get each other off.”

“Jesus, you make it sound so romantic.” Jamie takes Sid’s hand as he gets up, then follows Sid upstairs to their bedroom.

They both start to get undressed.Sid sheds his clothes first and he climbs on the bed, laying diagonally with his head resting on a pillow.When he looks up, Jamie is standing at the edge of the bed wearing just his button-down dress shirt.The top few buttons are undone and it hangs open slightly.The bottom hem comes to his hips and Sid can see his half-hard cock under the bottom of the fabric.

“So.What’s the game plan?” he asks, licking his bottom lip.“Cause you wearing your shirt?I know what I want.”

“What’s that, Cros?”Jamie kneels up onto the bed and makes his way up Sid’s legs, sitting up and straddling Sid’s thighs when he gets there.“Give me the play-by-play.”

“Well, let’s see.First, I think you need to bend down and give me a kiss.”

Jamie bends his body and lightly kisses the head of Sid’s cock, making it twitch in anticipation of more.

“Okay, that’s not exactly what I meant.” Sid moans.“But that was good.”

He reaches for another pillow so he can prop his head up more, allowing him to watch Jamie better.

“Do that again.Just the tip, kiss it.”

Jamie bends again and kisses the tip, softly, lips pressed together.

“Lick over the tip.Just your tongue.Lick slowly.”Sid directs.

“Mmmm… yeah… like that.” He moans as Jamie’s tongue makes small circles over the tip that is just peeking out of the foreskin.Sid’s not hard yet, but he’s getting there.

“Use your hand.Let it work up and down over the foreskin while you lick.Yeah, oh damn, baby boy.”

Jamie keeps just his fingertips against Sid’s shaft, letting the skin slide up and down easily with just the slightest pressure.His tongue pushes into the slit, then rolls around the underside of the head.When Sid moans again, Jamie increases the pressure of his fingers slightly.

“Damn, I love watching you.”

Jamie grins, looking up at Sid through his lashes, then focuses again on the task at hand.

“Now take me in your mouth.Not all the way.Just the top.Yeah, that’s it.Suck on it, easy.”

Jamie moves his mouth over Sid and slides down onto his cock, making sure his hand keeps working up and down as he presses his lips tight around the shaft above it.Gently he starts sucking, pressing his tongue to the bottom side.

“You got a free hand?Can you manage to reach around and work yourself open?”

Jamie shifts so that he is leaning on the elbow of the arm that is holding Sid.He reaches up and finds Sid’s mouth, slipping his fingers in.

“Need help.” He mouths around Sid’s cock.

Sid takes Jamie’s fingers into his mouth, licking and sucking at them for several minutes before Jamie pulls his hand away.Sid watches him reach behind his leg, and while he can’t see Jamie’s fingers press into his opening, Sid can visualize it.He knows the moment Jamie does it by the way Jamie’s breath hitches slightly and he pauses what he’s doing to swallow a couple of times.It only takes a second though before Jamie mews around Sid’s cock and starts sucking again.

“That’s it.Work a finger in, slowly.In and out.”He reaches down and twines his fingers into Jamie’s hair, which is longer again, growing out for the playoffs.“So good, huh.Take all of it, Jame.”

Sid pushes gently on Jamie’s head, encouraging him to go down more.Jamie really doesn’t need the encouragement.He eagerly lets Sid’s whole cock slide into his mouth until his lips are pressed against the base and he can feel Sid against his throat.

“Oh fuck.” Sid whispers.“That’s it.”

Jamie pauses, then pulls his lips off a little, swallowing a few times before he closes around Sid again and begins to work his mouth up and down the whole length of Sid’s now fully hard cock.

“You doing okay?Side okay?” Sid questions.Jamie sort of nods and hums happily around Sid.“Okay.If you need to stop any time you can.”

Jamie’s head bobs up and down, every so often he turns it, twisting his lips around the shaft, then he lets his mouth come off all the way with a loud, wet pop.It doesn’t take much before he feels Sid’s hip arch up to thrust into his mouth.He pulls off and sits up.

“No. No. No.” he playfully scolds.“You’re supposed to just lay there.”

“Sorry.But that feels so good.”Sid wraps his hand around his own cock, stroking it slowly.“You ready?”

“Yep.What’s next in the play book?”

“You need to move up so your ass is over my hips.But don’t take me yet.”

Jamie scoots up.

“Lean down.Kiss me.On the mouth this time.”

Jamie does as requested, kissing Sid slowly, their mouths and tongues moving together.Sid uses his hand to guide himself and he rubs his hardness against Jamie’s ass, sliding in between the cheeks.The head glides up and down over Jamie’s opening, spreading the precoma that’s leaking from Sid.Jamie’s shirt tails brush over Sid’s chest as he rocks his hips down against Sid, slowly grinding his own cock against Sid.

When Jamie sits back up, he reaches back and takes Sid in his hand, slowly guiding him to his tight opening.Jamie sinks back, letting the head push against the taught rim.Carefully, deliberately, he lowers his hips, taking Sid in inch by inch.

“Fuck,” Sid groans.“Fuck, baby boy.”

Jamie rests his hands on Sid’s chest, leaning slightly forward as he rolls his hips back and forth.Sid runs his hands up and down Jamie’s arms before reaching to hold Jamie’s waist.Jamie’s got his chin dipped to his chest, his eyes closed.

“Look at me,” Sid tells him.

Jamie tips his head, opening his eyes and looking down at Sid.His pupils are wide, only a thin ring of green visible.His hair is disheveled from Sid running his hand through it.His face flushed.His mouth hanging open as his breath comes fast and shallow.Sid marvels at how beautiful Jamie looks when he’s like that.

“God, I love you.” Sid tells him as his hands glide up under the material of Jamie’s shirt to roam over his chest.Jamie keeps his gaze fixed on Sid when he stops the rolling motion and holds his hips still, pushing his ass tight down on to Sid and then moving his hips in a small circle, grinding Sid’s cock deep into his ass.“Oh fuck, Jamie.Oh fuck.”

Jamie shifts, hooking his calves over Sid thigh and sitting up a little to get leverage to be able to rock himself up and down on Sid.Slowly at first, long steady strokes.

Sid can feel the bruise on his hip.Jamie’s thigh is hitting it every time.It’s not too much, but it is there.And when he looks at Jamie, he can see him wince every time he drops down.The thought that this may not have been such a good idea flashes through his brain.But he’s too far gone to stop now.

He grabs Jamie’s hips and stops his rocking.

“I got you.” Sid says as he pushes up with his hips and legs, using all his lower body strength to flip them over.

“Sid,” Jamie moans as Sid sits back on his heels between Jamie’s legs.He pushes Jamie’s legs back towards his chest and lines up his cock, sinking it deep with one quick thrust.He then snaps his hips back and thrusts in again before he starts to fuck Jamie with fast, hard thrusts.

Jamie reaches down and wraps his hand around his own cock, stroking it.His hand rubbing over the head, then up and down the shaft.

“That’s it,” Sid groans between his teeth, “Come for me, baby boy.Come on.”

“Sid, oh fuck.”Jamie looks up, fixing his gaze on Sid again.“Fuck.”

“Come on, Jame.Gonna come.Come on.”The sound of skin against skin, Sid’s balls slapping against Jamie’s ass fills the room.

Jamie’s whole body tenses as he comes, shooting thick fluid over his shirt.His ass tightens around Sid as spasms rock his body, pushing Sid over the edge.He thrusts deep into Jamie and comes himself.

He rocks his hips a few more times, riding out his orgasm before he finally collapses forward onto Jamie, completely spent.

“Fuck.Oh fuck.” Jamie mumbles into Sid’s hair.“That was…”

“Yeah.” Sid manages to say.“That was.”

Sid slides over, but keeps one arm and one leg draped over Jamie.“You okay?”

“Mmmm…. Fuck yeah.”

Jamie manages to find the blanket they keep folded across the bottom of the bed and pull it with his foot until he can reach it with a hand.They manage to get spread over them without having to really move much and they fall asleep entwined around each other.

 

 

 

 

 


	45. There's More To Life...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yep.”  Jamie says sheepishly, like he’s embarrassed, but also with a hint of frustration.  “That’s why I thought I’d get some fatherly advice.  Thanks, Dad.  You’ve given me a few things to think about.”  
> Troy smiles, “We like that, you know.”  
> “What?”  
> “That you call us Mom and Dad.

When Sid wakes up, he can hear the water running in the shower, but he doesn’t get up right away.  He waits until it stops and he can hear Jamie moving around, getting dried off, brushing his teeth.  Sid’s on his stomach still stretched out under the blanket when Jamie finally emerges from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist.

Jamie pulls the towel off, twirls it, and snaps Sid in the ass.

“Ow.  Fucker.”

“You gonna just spend the rest of the day in bed?  I think everybody’s home.  I heard them downstairs.”  Jamie sniffs the air.  “And Mom’s cooking.  Smells like…”  he sniffs again, “oh… she took the lasagna out of the freezer.  Oh yeah.”

“You go on down, I’ll be down soon, just going to jump in the shower.”  Sid rolls over and off the bed, walking past Jamie he swats him in the ass.  “Put some clothes on first, though, eh.”

Sid uses the toilet, brushes his teeth, then climbs in the shower.  He only in there a few minutes before Jamie steps in behind him.

“Really?” he asks, cocking an eyebrow.

A short time later Sid comes down the stairs trailed by Jamie.  They step into the living room and Taylor looks up from the couch, where she is sitting flipping through a magazine.

“Hey, sis.” Sid says as he walks over and gives her a kiss on the top of the head.  “Glad you could come early.”

Taylor stares at him for a minute, then looks at Jamie who has flopped down next to her on the couch.

“What up, T?” Jamie grins.

“Oh god, in the middle of the day?” Taylor feigns being shocked.

“You know how it is,” Jamie sniggers, “your bro is just such the love machine.  Can’t keep my hands off him.”

“In the middle of the playoffs, even.  Wow, Squid.  I never thought I’d see the day.”  Taylor chirps at her older brother.

“Ya know, I really think you just need to go to Mario’s this year.  I’m not putting up with the two of you together again.”  Sid huffs and walks out of the room, going to the kitchen.

“Poor Squid,” she says, “so abused.  Anyway.  How’s my baby bro-to-be?  Sid texted that you had some bruised ribs?”

“Sore, but not bad.  Got checked right under my pads.”  Jamie lifts his t-shirt to show Taylor the dark bruise.

“Ouchie.”

“Yeah.” Jamie smooths his shirt down.  “So whatcha looking at?”

“Wedding dresses.  I figured I’d pick yours out for you.”

“Sid’s right, I vote to send you to Mario’s.” Jamie poked at her shoulder.

“Alright.  It is wedding stuff.  Floral arrangements and decoration ideas.  Mom said we’d meet with the Pens’ people while I was here.”

“Awesome.  What’ve you found?”

Taylor sits back and opens the magazine to show Jamie some of the things she likes while they wait for dinner to be ready.

\---------------------------------------------------

_Eastern Conference Championship  Game 1_

_Friday, May 12       Montreal 1     Pittsburgh 2  (OT)_

_Pittsburgh leads series 1-0_

\-----------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning Jamie came home from his run to find Troy Crosby up and waiting for him instead of Trina.  Jamie poured himself a cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice before sitting down at the kitchen table. 

“You said the other day you wanted to talk to me about something,” Troy closed the newspaper he was reading and set it aside.  “What’s up?”

“I need some advice, and well, I didn’t know who to talk to.”

“Okay?”  Troy was puzzled now.  What could Jamie need advice on that he couldn’t go to one of his teammates or coaches, or Sidney?  Unless.  “Is this about something between you and Sidney?”

“What?  No.  No, nothing like that.  Well, nothing bad.”  Jamie chuckled when he saw the relieved look on Troy’s face.  “I got a phone call a week ago, from my dad’s, from my attorney.  In Edmonton.”

“Okay.”

“There was an offer made on the house.”  Jamie’s fingers fidgeted on his coffee mug.  “They offered the asking price.”

“That’s good.  What did you tell him.”

Jamie shrugged his shoulders and just stared at his mug.  Years of experience with Sidney let Troy read Jamie’s unspoken thoughts easily.

“You’re having second thoughts about selling it, eh?  I think that was maybe to be expected.  It’s a big step.”

Jamie shrugged again, “I don’t know what to do.  I thought I’d be okay with it.  Maybe if it had happened right away when we put it on the market.”

“You know, they talk about this thing, when you lose someone or something close to you, about having closure.  Like a finality to a situation or event.  Selling the house feels like you’re doing that, right?  Like it’s cutting the last tie to your parents?”

“Maybe.  But it’s not, I mean, I still have the cabin.  We’re making plans to go up for a week right after hockey school, before everything gets too hectic with the wedding.  So, it’s really not like a final thing.”  Jamie doesn’t look up, but just keeps fidgeting with his cup.

“Have you talked to Sidney about it?”

“No.”

“Why not?  I think he’d understand.”  Troy offered.  “Besides, after years of marriage I’ve learned that any big decisions should be made together.”

“I know what he’s going to say.” Jamie says.  “He’ll say that it’s my decision.  That whatever I decide to do will be okay with him.”

“Yep.  That’s what he’ll say.” Troy smiles, “You know him well already, even in such a short time.”

“I don’t understand him at all most of the time.” Jamie admitted.  “The whole what’s his is mine, but what’s mine is mine, too.”

“It’s just how he is.  Sidney has always had a generous nature, especially with those he loves.” 

“It took a lot for him to let me pay for anything.  I mean, he bought me the Jeep with the agreement that I’d pay for the insurance when I started getting paid more.  Yeah, that still hasn’t happened.  He barely lets me help with any of the utilities or groceries.  It makes things hard.”  Jamie saw Troy’s confusion.  “There’s a lot of people out there who think I’m with him for his money.”

“We know you aren’t with Sidney just for his money.  He knows that.  There’s never really been any thought that you were. It’s why he told his attorney he didn’t need a prenup last summer.  Which, I hope you know, his mother and I are in total agreement with Sidney on that.  I knew the first time I met you, on the Dad trip last year, that you and Sidney were on your way to falling in love.  Well, I guess I knew he was already there.  And any of the concerns I talked to him about had nothing to do with money.”

“You had concerns?”

“I’m a father.  You’ll understand someday.”  Troy laughed.  “Okay, back to the house.  What is your heart telling you to do?”

“Keep it.”  Jamie sighed.  “But my head is saying to sell it.”

“What would you do with it if you kept it?”

“I have a couple of ideas.”  Jamie says, but doesn’t elaborate.  He does bring up another issue.  “And there’s another thing.”

“Okay.”

“When my parents died, I was pretty out of it.  I let Cat and the attorney handle everything.  I just signed whatever Cat said to sign.  Anyway, I vaguely remember them talking about some settlement with the other guy’s insurance.”

“Your parents’ estate probably sued them.  A wrongful death suit.” Troy surmised.

“Yeah, something like that.  Well, it took over two years but they settled.  Or, they’re going to.  He said it should be finalized in a month.”

“May I ask how much?”

“After all the attorney fees and taxes, I walk away with 3.25 million.” Jamie again sounded embarrassed talking about money.

“That’s quite a chunk of change.”

“I don’t want it.” Jamie voice wavered.  “I don’t need it.  It’s not going to change anything or bring them back.”

“No, it’s not.  And as for not needing it, maybe you don’t need it today, but what about tomorrow?  Long-term, unforeseen things happen.  Knock on wood.” Troy taps the top of the table three times.  “Injuries?  There’s a contract negotiation coming up.  There could be another lock-out.  It would give you money to live on.”

“I don’t want it.”  Jamie stated quietly.

Troy notice Jamie’s body posture change as he tensed, sitting up straighter, an almost defensive posture.

“Okay.  I understand.  So, here’s a thought.  Do good with it?  Something for other people, in memory of your mom and dad.”

“Like what?” The idea seemed to have piqued his interest.

“Whatever you want to do with it.  Give it some thought if you’d like to go that way.  Donate to a charity.  Start a foundation, like Sidney.  Give it to anyone you want.  Would that be something you’d consider?”

“Yeah.”  Jamie sips at his coffee, relaxing again, “yeah, I think that might be a good solution.  But, I guess I should get Sid’s thoughts.”

“And you already know what he’s going to say.”

“Yep.”  Jamie says sheepishly, like he’s embarrassed, but also with a hint of frustration.  “That’s why I thought I’d get some fatherly advice.  Thanks, Dad.  You’ve given me a few things to think about.”

Troy smiles, “We like that, you know.”

“What?”

“That you call us Mom and Dad. 

\----------------------------------

The front door slamming startles the three Crosbys sitting around the kitchen table playing cards.  The raised voices that follow are of more concern, considering one of them isn’t Sidney, but Kris.

_“I said I’m fine.  So, fuck off, Tanger.”_

_“You aren’t.  Does Janet know about this?  Does Sidney?”_

_“No, they don’t.  And I’m regretting saying anything to you.”_

_“I’m regretting it, too.  Because you ask me to not say anything.  You need to tell him_.” 

“Should we let them know we’re here?”  Taylor whispered.

“I wonder what they’re arguing about?” Trina whispers back.

“Whatever it is, I’m guessing they mean for it to be private, ladies.” Troy says, then he yells into the living room.  “Jamie? You home from practice already?”

It gets quiet right away.  A couple of minutes later, they hear the front door open and close again then Jamie strolls in to the kitchen.  He’s flushed and clearly agitated.

“Sorry about that,” he apologizes.  He goes to the fridge and grabs a Gatorade. 

“Is there a problem?”  Trina inquires.  “Where’s Sidney?”

“He’ll be home in a bit.”  Jamie answers, head still buried in the fridge.

“Was that Tanger with you?” Trina continues to question.

“Yeah.  He gave me a ride home.”  Jamie stands and turns around.  “Look.  It was nothing.  I’m sorry you heard us.  I didn’t expect anyone to be home.  I thought you were going out.”

“It’s okay, son.  Whatever it was about, it’s between you and Tanger.” Troy states, glaring at his wife and daughter.

“That’s right, honey.”  Trina adds, “We just worry.”

“I’m going to go take a nap,” Jamie simply says, ignoring her comment, as he walks out of the kitchen.

\--------------------------------

“Come on in,” Jamie says a few minutes later when there’s a knock on the bedroom door.  He’s sitting on the edge of the bed when Taylor opens the door and walks in.  She sits down next to him, bumping her shoulder against his.

“So.  Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” He say’s curtly.

“Did Sidney do something?  I’ll kick his ass for you if he did.”

“No.  Sidney didn’t do anything.  I just.”  He rubs his hands over his face.  “I told Tanger about something that happened and he got all bent.  It was nothing, really.  I’m sorry.  I should go apologize for being short.”

“She’s not upset.  Don’t worry about it.”  Taylor leans against Jamie’s shoulder.  “But we are a little worried.  Having us here, it’s okay, isn’t it?  Or is it too much for you having us around?”

Jamie turns to look at her, “What?  No.  No, it’s okay.  I’ve enjoyed having you guys here the last few days actually.”

“Okay.  Good.”  She goes to get up, but Jamie stops her.

“If I tell you, you can’t tell anyone T.  Especially not Sid.  You have to promise me.”

“I haven’t told anyone what you told me about what happened last August.”

“You promise.  I made Tanger promise.  This is serious, T.  I mean, like, getting taken off the ice serious, so you have to absolutely promise me.”

“Are you fucking hurt?  Do you have a concussion?”

“No.  I’m not hurt.  It’s something else.  T, you gotta swear you won’t tell anyone.  Not ever.”

“I swear.”

\----------------------------------

_Eastern Conference Championship Game 2_

_Monday, May 15      Montreal  2       Pittsburgh 3_

_Pittsburgh leads series 2-0_

\------------------------------------

“So we need to have a kick ass bachelor party,” Conor is kneeling in his seat, turned around so he can talk to Jamie and Brian who are in the row directly behind him.  They are barely 10 minutes out of Pittsburgh on their way to Montreal.

“No we don’t.” Jamie replies.

“Yeah.  This summer.  Sometime right before the wedding.”  Rusty chimes in. 

“Abso-fuckin-lutely.” Dales says from across the aisle.

“Can we have strippers?” Tommy pokes his head around Dales’ seat.  “We need strippers.”

“Girls?” Conor questions, “Can we have girl strippers?”

“Why wouldn’t we have girls?” Tommy asked. 

“Well because, it’s for Sid and Jamie.” Conor answered with all innocence. 

“Jesus, Shearsy.” Jamie smiled.  “Really?  Where have you been for the past year?  Uh, bi… not gay.  We can have girls.  If you guys insist on strippers.”

Conor tipped his head down, his face turning bright red.

“I think we have both,” comes Hags’ voice from a couple of rows away.  “I’ll pay for the guys if I get to see some stud give Phil a lap dance.”

“Fuck you.” Phil retorts from the seat next to Hags.

“Both would be good,” Rusty chimes in from across the aisle.  “I could see us doing both.”

“We really don’t have to have strippers at all.”  Jamie contends.  “Or even a bachelor party.”

“Oh no,” Conor declares, emphasizing his words, “We HAVE to have a party.”

“Yep.  Shearsy is right.  We have to have a party.”  Tommy echoes.

“I think we should start planning it now.” Conor grins.  “It’ll give me something to stress about besides the playoffs.”

“I’m in,” Tommy chuckles, “pass the word.  Bachelor party planning meeting in my and Shearsy’s rooms after dinner.”

There’s some shuffling of seats as Tommy and Conor shift so they can talk better.  Everyone else goes back to what they were doing.  It’s a short flight to Montreal, just over an hour.

Brian watches Jamie cringe, “You okay with it, Fluff?  I can tell them no party.”

“Nah.  Let ‘em go.  Conor’s been wound tight for the past two weeks.  Maybe he’s right, they need a diversion from the stress.”  Jamie sighs, leaning back into his seat.  “I don’t care.”

Jamie pulls out his phone and starts typing.  Brian eyes him suspiciously, because Jamie has a mischievous look on his face.  A look Brian knows very well, but hasn’t seen in a long time.

“What are you doing?” he whispers.  Jamie shows him his phone and the message he is about to send.

_Lap dance for Phil, huh?  How much you willing to pay?_

He hits send and almost instantly gets a response.

Hags:  _Serious?_

Jamie:  _Changing room tomorrow.  Before the pregame skate.  We can use some fun to cut the stress, Shearsy’s right._

Hags:  _Name your price!_

\-------------------------------------------

The next day they get to the Bell Centre at 10 am, with their skate scheduled for Noon.  They all filter off the bus, and Carl slips into step next to Jamie. 

“Still on?”

Jamie smiles and winks.  “Yep.”

A few minutes later they are sitting in the changing room, stripping out of their street clothes and in to the various apparel they each wear under their gear.  Jamie has stripped down to his boxer briefs and dress shirt when he gives a nod to Dana across the room.  Then he stands up. 

When Fifth Harmony’s Worth It starts playing over the sound system, Jamie moves over in front of Phil. 

“So, big boy.  This is a little present from you friends.”  Jamie starts dancing and Phil’s eyes get huge, his face a bright crimson.  As soon as the guys realize what’s going on, the catcalls start.

Jamie steps closer to Phil and turns around, bending at the waist and balancing with his hands on his knees.  He arches his back and starts twerking, his ass right in front of Phil, bouncing up and down.  After a minute he rolls his hips in circles, then bounces his ass at Phil a couple of times again.

“Sweet jesus, Sid.  You ever need extra money, you can hire out the boy.”  Horny snorts.

“That is a talented ass.” Flower grins.

“Yeah, baby.  Shake it for him.”  Sid laughs, encouraging Jamie.

Phil, mortified at first, has started to relax and is smiling when Jamie turns around and climbs on his lap, straddling Phils’ thighs.  Slowly he grinds his hips in tight circles, keeping just the smallest space between his body and Phil’s.  Phil goes to put his hands on Jamie’s chest, but Jamie pushes them away.

“No touchie the merchandise.”  Jamie smirks.

“That’s right Phil.  You know the rules.” Culls chirps.

“No he doesn’t.  He’s a lap dance virgin, boys.”  Hags snickers.  “Show him what he’s been missing, Jim-Bob.”

Practice is a light-hearted, relaxed affair after that.  The players run through their drills, practice rushes, and then end with some three on three.  Sid leans against the boards near the end, watching Jamie, Brian and Geno battle against Tommy, Rusty and Dales, when Kris, Hags and Phil all skate up beside him.

“He’s having a good day.” Kris says.  Sid nods.

“So, Phil.  Enjoy yourself earlier?” Hags taps him on the leg with his stick.

Phil’s face goes crimson again, “Fuckers.”

“I don’t have to be jealous, do I?”  Sid giggles.  “You making moves on my boy?”

“Both of you.  Fucking fuckers.”  Phil grumbled, but with a huge smile on his face.

“So what did it cost you?” Kris asks Hags.

“Team dinner is on me tomorrow night.”

“That’s all?”  Sid scoffs.  “My boy is so cheap and easy.”

Kris and Hags skate back to take another shift on the three-on-three.  Phil waits for a few seconds as they skate away before he leans close to Sid.

“I’m going to say this, and if you repeat it, I’ll kick your ass.  But god-damn, Sid, you are one lucky bastard.”

\------------------------------------------------

_Eastern Conference Championship  Game 3_

_Wednesday, May 17      Pittsburgh 3    Montreal 2  (OT)_

_Pittsburgh leads series 3-0_

_\------------------------------------------------_

Sid sits across the table from Janet, having asked if he could meet with her over breakfast the next morning.  Jamie sits next to Brian and Kris at the grown-ups table, eyeing Sid suspiciously.

The first few minutes are polite chat, about the weather in Montreal – it’s warm for May, about the playoffs – Sid knocks the wooden table several times until Janet realizes what she’s doing to him, and the wedding – Sid hasn’t thought about it.  Finally they get around to the topic that is first and foremost on Sid’s mind – Jamie.

“I’m worried.” He confides.  “Are you sure it’s not bi-polar.  It’s like watching an emotional rollercoaster with him.  Which, from what I’ve read, is bi-polar.”

“Well, first things first.  I’m going to tell you what I’ve told him.  Stop trying to diagnose him off the internet.”  Janet lectured.  “Secondly, no.  I do not think he is bi-polar.”

“But,” Sid counters, “he goes from out-going and happy to sullen and withdrawn.  It’s what they describe, like the pendulum swinging back and forth.”

“Sidney.  Which one of us has the degree and has been doing this for 20 years?”

“I’m just worried.  I mean, should he be on medication?  Isn’t depression a chemical imbalance in the brain?  And…”

“Sidney.”

Sid stops.  He stares at her and she can see the distress in his features.

“I’ve talked to him.  What you are seeing as mood swings, or manic and depressive episodes aren’t that.  When you see the happy, he is either having a good day, like yesterday, or, he is putting on a brave front for everyone.  The sullen and withdrawn is when he can’t do that anymore and his body shuts down on him.  It takes a lot of energy to be happy when you’re not.  That’s what he talked to everyone about, right?”

“Yeah.  But I just worry.  You know that he and Tanger had a fight the other day?”

“Yes.  He told me, and so did Kristopher.  But all’s good with them again.”

“Did he tell you what it was about?”  Sid fishes for information.

“No.  And I’m not going to press either of them about it.  Whatever it was about, it’s forgotten.”

Sid sighs, “Okay.”

“He’s doing okay, Sidney.  Despite things, I think we are actually getting back on track.  I know there are days that it doesn’t seem like it, what did you say, two steps ahead, one step backwards.  Some days it’s one step forward and two backwards.  But overall, I think he’s holding his own.  As for an anti-depressant, he’s afraid to take anything after the last time, even though I told him there are a lot of things he could take that he would probably tolerate well.  But he says no.”

Sid sighs again, then glances over towards Jamie, who is still glaring at them.

“Get him through the playoffs in one piece, okay.  I know he’s figured a few things out about his depression and things that happened when he was younger, but he asked to wait until the off-season to talk about it.  I’ve given him space.  We talk about other things.  You need to do the same.  Just be there when and if he needs you.”

\-------------------------------------------------

_Eastern Conference Championship Game 4_

_Friday, May 19      Pittsburgh 1    Montreal 4_

_Pittsburgh leads series 3-1_

\--------------------------------------------------

When Sid comes out of the bathroom, Jamie is already in bed, the covers pulled up around his head.  Sid goes around to his side and climbs in.

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“It didn’t matter.  They didn’t win by just one goal.”  Sid tries to reach out and cup Jamie’s face.

“Don’t.”

“Baby boy, come on.  It’s okay.”

“You didn’t put the puck in your own god-damn net Sid.”  Jamie pulls the covers up more.

“Yeah.  But you know what, Flower didn’t get pissed at you.  He’d have killed anyone else.”

“He loves me.”  Jamie mumbles.

“I love you.”

Jamie pulls the covers down and stares at Sid.  After a couple of minutes he scoots himself over in the bed so he’s stretched out against Sid, his head on Sid’s shoulder.  Sid slips his arm around Jamie and idly rubs his back.

“It was one game.  No need to get upset about it.  You weren’t the only one who didn’t have such a stellar game tonight.”

“I know, but fuck.  It seemed like that took all the fight out of us.  We were only down by one when I did it.”

“Let it go.  We’ll get them next game.”

\---------------------------------------------------

_Eastern Conference Championship  Game 5_

_Sunday, May 21      Montreal 3  Pittsburgh 2 (OT)_

_Pittsburgh leads series 3-2_

_\--------------------------------------------------_

“Are you sure?” Sid walks back to his bag, which is laying open on the hotel bed.  He picks up his toiletry case and tosses it down on the bed.

“If you’re okay with it, yeah.  I’m sure.”  Jamie sits with his back against the headboard, his legs stretched out on his side of the bed.

“Call your attorney then.”  Sid picks up his dress shirts, talking them to the small closet and hanging them up.  

When he turns back towards the bed, Jamie is staring at his phone. 

“Jamie?”

Jamie looks up, “Do you think they’ll be interested?”

“I think so.  I think it’s a great idea.”  Sid moves his suitcase to a chair, walks his toiletry case in and sets it on the sink counter, and then comes back and climbs on the bed to sit next to Jamie.  He lays his hand on Jamie’s thigh, patting it reassuringly.  “I’m sure it’s a good thing, Jamie.  So, have you worked on the list for the money?”

“A little bit.  You want to help?”

“Yeah.  Let’s see what you have.”

Jamie opens his laptop, which had been resting on his lap, and brings up a list of names in a document.

_Toni – medical school_

_Zach –_

_The Strahns – college funds for Jared & Jessica_

_Evan –_

_Cat  -_

_Janet –_

_Lil’ Oilers Program –_

_Pittsburgh Action Against Rape –_

_Animal Rescue League and Western PA Humane Society –_

_UPMC & University of Alberta – Concussion Research_

Sid looks over Jamie’s list, “Looks like a good start.  Who’s Evan?”

“Evan Lodario.  A teammate with the Oil Kings.  We were pretty good friends, and he helped a lot after my folks died.  Oh, that reminds me…”  Jamie adds the Amundsens to his list.  “They were Evan’s billet family.  I think they still house players.  Anyway, they let me stay with them for a bit after my folks died.  I was staying with them when I got the DUI, could have created a real problem for them, but they didn’t go all ape shit on me.  I’d like to help them out.”

“Strahns.  Is Jared going to college?”  Sid questions.

“Yeah.  He got accepted at North Dakota.  Didn’t get a scholarship, though.  Thought I’d help them out.”

"I think that’s great.  Have you asked him about hockey school, yet?”

 “No.  Thought it could wait.  I knew Jess is registered already.  So, I’m sure he’ll be there again.”

 “Little Oilers?  Not the Little Pens?” Sid nudges Jamie in the side, smiling at him.  “Kidding.  For Bill, right.”

 “Yeah.”

 “I think it’s a pretty good list.  Do you have amounts in mind?  Need to make sure you give them enough so that they have what you want them to have after taxes.”    Sid remarks.  “I guess the finance guys can help with that.”

 “I’ve been debating about something, but I think I’m going to add them to the list.”  Jamie types in another line.

  _Luc & Diane_ –

 Sid reads it.  He leans over and kisses Jamie’s cheek.

 “What?”

 “You’re a better person than I am, baby boy.  You have a forgiving heart.”

\----------------------------------------------

Montreal in the early morning hours is a quiet, peaceful place.  Jamie and Brian set out on their morning run a little after 5 am when most of the city is still asleep, or just starting to wake up.  Their route takes them over high bridges and up and down some hills, giving them some amazing views of the city.  Around 6:30 they end up back at the hotel.

As is their norm, Jamie goes back to Brian’s room to either watch TV or fall asleep for a bit again before they have to get up and go to breakfast.  When they step into the room this day, however, Brian slides up behind Jamie and wraps his arms around Jamie’s waist.

“So, um, I was wondering if we could, you know.” He rests his head on Jamie’s shoulder.

“You still have energy after that run?”  Jamie smirks.

“Yeah.  Kayla hasn’t been able to be around for the last couple of weeks.  And, well, I guess like Shears I’ve been wound tight.”

Jamie steps out of Brian’s hold, going to sit on the edge of the bed.

“I know we haven’t in quite a while, so if you don’t, it’s okay.”  Brian goes and sits next to him.

“No.  It’s fine.  Why we became fuck buddies in the first place.  So what, you want a blow?”

Brian grins, “Well, actually…”

“Fuck.”

“Exactly.”

\----------------------------------------------

_Eastern Conference Championship – Game 6_

_Tuesday, May 23      Pittsburgh 3       Montreal 4_

_Series tied 3-3_

\----------------------------------------------

Jamie sits next to Brian in the locker room.

“I’m sorry, Dumes.” he says quietly.

Brian has his arm tucked tight to his body, his wrist wrapped in ice.

“I’m the one that wanted to screw around this morning.” he replies to Jamie, speaking softly so no one hears them.  It’s not really a problem with all the noise in the room despite the loss.

“Well, you got hurt and we’ve lost three in a row.  Talk about bad fucking juju.” 

“Jesus, don’t let Flower hear you.”  Brian admonishes.  “He’ll kill us.”

“He saw me this morning.”  Jamie looks across the room to Flower, who is scowling at the two of them.  “He already knows.”

“How bad do they think it is,” Jamie then asks, nodding at Brian’s wrist.

“Not broken.  It’ll be a wait and see if it is still swollen tomorrow.  They’ll re-evaluate it tomorrow at home.”

Just then, Kris walks up to them.  He leans down so only they can hear him.

“Flower has introduced a new locker room fine.  Just for you two.  You each owe $1000 for fucking on a game day.  Maybe you’ll start listening when we tell you not to do things?”  He states matter-of-factly, then stands back up and walks away.

Jamie looks over at Flower, who is still scowling.

“Well, fuck."


	46. Game Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over the course of three games the mood in the Pens locker room went from serious, but yet still relaxed, to serious and worried, everyone’s stress levels taken to the limit.  No one could put a finger on the exact problem in each game, why the Pens went from winning to losing, except for… it’s the Habs. And now, the talk had done a complete 180 and the hockey world is sure that the epic collapse they are about to witness belonged to the Penguins.

Nobody expected the Habs to be easy.  Nobody.  But when the Penguins went up three games to none in the series, everybody thought maybe they’d been wrong.  They were sure they were now witnessing one of the most complete collapses by a team in the playoffs ever.  But the Canadiens didn’t get this far by just rolling over, not with Shea Weber on their team, or Max Pacioretty on their team.  Or… with Carey Price as their goalie.

Game 4 was probably to be expected by all accounts, it would have seemed improbable that the Pens would just sweep them.  So you expect to give up one game.  But then you give up two games.  And the hockey gods breath life back into the Canadiens. 

Over the course of three games the mood in the Pens locker room went from serious, but yet still relaxed, to serious and worried, everyone’s stress levels taken to the limit.  No one could put a finger on the exact problem in each game, why the Pens went from winning to losing, except for… it’s the Habs. And now, the talk had done a complete 180 and the hockey world is sure that the epic collapse they are about to witness belonged to the Penguins.

The locker room was a somber place before the start of game 7, everyone lost in their own thoughts.  Sid went through his pre-game routine without saying a word to anyone.  Flower sat with his head down, his eyes closed, his arms and legs moving as he envisioned save after save.  Geno paced the room, taping guys on the shoulder or offering a quiet word of encouragement.  They’d been through this before, just last year against the Lightning, but then they’d been the team that had fought off elimination to force a game 7.  Now, they were the team that had blown a three game lead. 

One by one they stood to head out into the hallway, to wait for the signal to take the ice for warm-ups.  Sid’s eyes followed Jamie, who started for the doors, then stopped, his face going ashen.  Sid watched Jamie dart for the restrooms, and his eyes lit up, a wry smile coming to his lips.  It had been a long time since Jamie got sick before a game, in fact he hadn’t had the nervous heaves once during the playoffs so far.  But today, today he did.

Sid turned and poked his stick at Geno when Jamie was coming back out to the room, “Marshmallow tossed ‘em.”

Geno, who’d been staring at the floor, glanced up.  A big grin came across his face.

They fell in step behind Jamie as they walked out to join the others.  Horny and Hags, standing just outside the doorway looked at the grins on the faces of the captain and alternate when they stopped in the hall.  Jamie kept walking, set to take his spot in line just behind Brian, who was playing despite spraining his wrist in game 6.

“Did he?” Horny had started to bounce in place.

“Game’s in the bag, boys!” Sid yelled so everyone could hear.  “Marshmallow tossed ‘em!”

With that simple announcement, the entire team’s mood changed.  Last year, if Jamie got sick before the game, they’d won.  Every time.  Sid had paid attention.   His gut told him that history was repeating itself tonight.

“Marshmallow!” they all cheered in unison.

\---------------------------------------------------

The first period went back and forth, with lots of action but not a lot of shots.  The two teams went to the locker room for the first intermission scoreless.  The Pens had managed to kill two penalties, both stupid penalties, one for tripping against Dales and the other a hook by Olli.  Their power play had failed to score on its sole opportunity when Shaw high-sticked Rusty.

The second period was more of the same.  Most of the play taking place between the blue lines it seemed.  When they did face shots, both goalies were at the top of their game, making some incredible, heart-stopping saves.  When the horn sounded, both teams trudge off the ice and into their respective locker rooms.  They know the third period will be a heated affair.

Jamie sat down in his stall with a thud.  He was tired.  Dumes sat next to him, taking his skates off gingerly with one hand.  Stewie had met him the minute he sat down with an ice-pack for his bad wrist.    

“Don’t go back out,” Jamie stated, as if it was just that easy.

“Do your ribs hurt?” Brian countered.

Jamie looked around the room.

Muzz sits next to Flower, quietly offering words of encouragement.  He’s not played a game of this series, having to be the one who watches from the executive box.  Jars has been backing up Flower while Muzz sits, still having some issues with headaches.

Shears has shed his sweater and pads.  One of the trainers is putting ice on Conor’s shoulder and Jamie watches him wince.  Geno flexes his wrist gingerly, then works at rubbing away some of the stiffness with which he’s been dealing.  Tommy’s taking his skates off, letting his foot rest.  He’s blocked two shots on an already bruised foot.  Coler, Dales, Olli and Tanger look worn.

Jamie closes his eyes, leaning back in his stall.  Playoffs.  Pain. Perseverance.  Funny how they all start with P, Jamie thinks.  Playoffs mean playing through the pain.  So he knows.  They will all suck it up and go back out, no amount of pep talks or encouraging words are needed.  They would do it regardless.  They will give everything they have to get through this round, and hope they save enough to win it all.

Sully comes in.  Pep talk time anyway.  Keep playing the right way.  Jamie turns off his brain.  He hears _blah blah blah._  Sid talks.  More pep talk.  We can do this boys comes from Horny.  Words of encouragement from around the room.  _Blah.  Blah.  Blah._  

 “Jamie!”  Sully barks.  “Shoot the puck!”

Jamie snaps to attention, Sullivan’s voice booming across the locker room and bringing him back to the moment.

“Jamie.  Geno.  Phil.  Fehrsy.”  Sullivan called out one forward from each line.  “You guys are the designated shooters from this point on.  If you’re in the offensive zone and the puck hits your stick, you shoot.  You carry it into the zone, you shoot.  Rebounds.  Shoot.  Shoot.  Shoot.”

“What?” Phil questions.  “Just shoot”

“Yeah, Phil.  It’s a simple concept.  It you touch the puck in the zone, you shoot.  Everybody else.  Be crashing the net.  Be on the look-out for rebounds.  And when you bring the puck into the zone, you need to be looking to get it to one of those four.  Unless you have an absolute open shot at the net, you don’t shoot.  You get it to one of them.  You four guys.  All you are doing is shooting.  No thinking.  No looking to pass.  It is a shoot first, shoot only mentality for the next 20 minutes.”

Jamie looked at Sid, who gave him a puzzled look back.  Okay.  Jamie isn’t sure what to think about Sullivan’s strategy.  He’s not sure why he picked him to be the shooter on their line either.  Why not Sid?  Sid has more goals.  Jamie has more assists.  You would think they would play to those strengths.

With all that to ponder, the Pens regroup and come out for the third period.

\-------------------------------

Culls, Rusty and Fehr take the face-off to open the last period.  Culls wins, dropping the puck back to Kris, who passes it through the center to Rusty who carries it into the Habs’ zone.  Rusty sends a pass to Fehr, who takes a moment to settle the puck and then shoots.  Price blocks it.

Jamie follows the play, watching the rebound bounce out.  Culls grabs it, doesn’t shoot, but passes back to Fehr, who again shoots.  This time, the Habs’ get the rebound and clear the puck out of their zone.  Sullivan leans down, draping his arm over Jamie’s shoulders.

“That’s what I want from you,” he says into Jamie’s ear.  “You got me?  Shoot Jamie.  Your only thought out there is to shoot the puck.  Until you see the opening.  Then do what you know you should.”

It’s a cryptic message, ‘what you know you should’, and Jamie wants to ask his coach what he means, but Sully straightens and pats Jamie on the back, “Okay, Sid’s line up next.  Call the change out Toch.”

Rusty steps into the bench and Jamie goes over the boards.  He swings into their own zone in unison with Sid, wheeling to start the play as Kris brings the puck around from behind the net.  Kris carries the puck all the way to center line before dropping it to Sid.  Jamie drags his skate on the blueline, waiting for Sid to either carry it in or pass the puck into the Habs zone.  Sid chips it in just in front of Jamie who follows the puck into the zone. 

_Shoot.  Shoot.  Shoot._

The puck hits his stick and Jamie wrists it towards the net.  Price snags it.  Jamie gets another shot off the ensuing face-off, but the puck goes wide and the Habs again gather it in and head the other way.

So goes the play for the first nine minutes and seventeen seconds.  Price has caught on to the Pens’ game plan.  Jamie studies him from the bench when the other lines are out there.  Price tracks the puck, always aware of the threat of a shot, but whenever Geno, Fehr, or Phil touch it, or he sees they are going to get a pass, he squares for the shot right away.  Jamie smiles.  Surely everybody else is picking up on this.  Price has bought in.  He knows the shot is going to be coming.  Jamie leans over and says something to Sid.

When they go over the boards for their next shift, they pick up the play in their defensive zone, following the chip in by the Habs who are also changing lines.  The Habs manage to put together a good offensive shift, getting several shots off before Olli finally gets a rebound and throws the puck out towards the center.  Jamie grabs it and carries it across the center and into the Habs’ zone.  It’s a two-on-two with Sid coming up on Jamie’s right.  Jamie waits.  He sees it.  Price squares up on him.

Jamie draws back like he’s going to shoot, a subtle movement of his hands however sends the puck across the ice to Sid, who snaps his wrists and sends a shot past Price, who was caught flat-footed.

As they skate past the bench to celebrate, Sullivan hollers at Jamie.  “It took you half the period to figure it out?”

Jamie grinned, “Yeah.  But I did, doesn’t that count for something?”

\--------------------------------

_Eastern Conference Championship – Game 7_

_Thursday, May 25      Montreal 0      Pittsburgh 1_

_Pens win series 4-3_

\-----------------------------------­

Jamie joins the rest of the team, lining up for handshakes.  When he gets to Price, the goalie clasps his hand and pulls him in close.

“I made a rookie mistake and you caught me.”  Price looks totally defeated.

“All the credit goes to Sully.  His game plan.”  Jamie smiled.  “You had a great series, Pricer.  Best goalie we’ve faced yet.”

“Yeah.  Nice play anyway LB.  Go get another cup, okay.  And I’ll see you at the wedding.”  Price gave him a hug and then moved on.

\-------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in the Western Conference…

Chicago won the Central Division pretty handily.  They take on the second wild card team, the Flames in the first round, eventually taking the series 4-1.

In the other Central Division contest, St. Louis and Minnesota go six games before the Wild prevail.

San Jose topped the Pacific Division and square off against the Stars, the top wild card team, in the opening round.  While Dallas barely squeaked in to the playoff, they manage to put together a great series and oust the Sharks, who had been expected to reach the finals again, in six games.

Edmonton, to everyone’s surprise, are the number two team in the Pacific Division.  They battle the Ducks through seven games before finally putting them away. 

The round two match-ups generate a lot of discussion from the analysts.  Everyone expects Chicago to win and for Dallas to eliminate Edmonton.  Everyone except for Liam McHugh, who is still predicting an Oilers Penguins final.

Minnesota falls apart.  The Hawks take them in five games, and at that, it was a miracle that the Wild even won that one game. 

Dallas and Edmonton is a fierce contest, going the distance before Edmonton wins game seven in overtime.  McHugh just smiles when Milbury says that there is no way the Oilers get past the Hawks.  Experience speaks loudly, says Milbury.  The Hawks know how to win cups.

Game one in Chicago goes to the Hawks, 4-1.  Milbury reiterates that he is right.

Game two goes to the Oilers.  3-2, in overtime.  “Don’t count, McDavid and the boys out.” McHugh tells him.

Game three in Edmonton is a rout, with the Oilers feeding off the crowd who are getting their first conference final game since 2006.  The Oilers win 5-0.  Milbury sulks.

Game four goes to the Oilers as well, 3-2.  They head back to Chicago with the Hawks facing elimination.  McHugh is all smiles.  Milbury is in shock.

Game five starts off well for the Hawks, as they take a 2-0 lead into the first intermission.  Milbury talks up Toews and Kane, who have a goal and an assist respectively, and also Motte, who is on the board with a goal.  He’s sure they will rebound after three straight losses and come back to win the series.

After two, the Hawks are up 3-0 and Milbury is all smiles.

The third period goes to shit for the Hawks, however.  McDavid scores thirty seconds in to put the Oilers on the board.  Three minutes later, Lucic steals a pass and beats Crawford on the breakaway.  Suddenly it’s a one goal game.  The Hawks can’t put together any offense, making turnovers left and right, shots and passes going against them. 

With eight minutes left in the game, Duncan Keith takes a high-stick penalty, putting the Oilers on the power play.  Ryan Nugent-Hopkins ties the game just forty seconds later.

It looks like the game will go to overtime when the improbable happens with just over a minute left.  Jordan Eberle grabs a rebound off a Panarin shot.  Instead of passing, he skates the puck out of the Oilers’ zone, Nugent-Hopkins breaking behind him.  The two cross the blue line together, it’s two on two.  Eberle doesn’t look to pass, though.  He skates between the two defensemen and drives for the net.  A quick flick of the wrists and the crowd goes wild.

Oilers 4    Hawks 3

Milbury can’t believe it.  McHugh actually gloats during the post-game.  The NBCSN guys make their predictions for the Stanley Cup.

Liam McHugh – Pens

Mike Milbury – Oilers

Keith Jones – Oilers

Doc Emrick – Pens

Pierre McGuire – Pens

Jeremy Roenick – Oilers

Eddie Olczyk - Pens


	47. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team all seemed to sense it as well, Jamie had been struggling, but the last couple of days had been the worst they’d seen.  This game, what happened with Maroon, might be his breaking point. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So very sorry for the delay in getting this posted. Normally don't like going over a week. Made up with what may be the longest chapter I've ever posted.
> 
> Thanks all for reading and staying with Jamie & Sid's story. I hope you are still enjoying it. As always I truly appreciate all of you and the support you give my writing.

The Friday after putting away Montreal was a much needed off-day of rest for the Pens.  Sid convinced Jamie to forego his run, it really didn’t take much effort on Sid’s part.  Instead they slept in, leisurely fooled around in the shower once they got up, and spent the rest of the day just hanging with family.  Trina and Taylor made them do some wedding planning, which the women pointed out was just two short months away.  Things like color schemes, DJ or band, meal options, flower arrangements, and wedding cake options were highly important topics all day.  By the time they went to bed that night, however, most of the major decisions had been made.  Trina would work with the Pens’ people to make it all come together. 

Saturday it was back to work in preparation for Edmonton.  Practice was full-speed and a bit grueling for this point of the season, but Sully wasn’t letting up on them.  His style had gotten them this far, for the second year in a row, so why change anything.

Media day was chaotic.  Jamie’s time with the press had been limited ever since the incident with them at the All-Star Game.  In fact, outside of the Pens TV and ROOTSports people, Jamie had only done two media scrums.  Sid knew that Jamie was nervous about having to do media day, but it was mandatory.  He went to Jen and suggested that he and Jamie be at a station together.  Jen had enthusiastically agreed, to his surprise, saying that the media would love a chance get photos of Sid and Jamie together. 

She was right.  Sid held Jamie’s hand under the table the entire time.  Reassuring.  Steadying.  Jamie answered questions about playing for the Cup in his hometown.  They both answered questions about the match-up against McDavid.  They answered questions about the wedding. 

It ended up being a good day.

\------------------------------------

_Stanley Cup Finals – Game 1_

_Monday, May 29_

Sid stood on the Pens’ blue line, his head bowed, nervously shifting his weight from skate to skate.  Jeff Jimerson was singing the last lines of the Star-Spangled Banner.  The opening puck drop was just minutes away.  Sid lifted his head and looked at his teammates on the ice next to him, Geno, Kuni, Tanger, and Dales.  It wasn’t his normal line, or the normal D pair that had started just about every game this season with him.  This was a special night, however, and that meant giving special recognition to the veterans.  Sid and his two alternates.  Tanger, the number one d-man.  And Dales, who didn’t get to play in the finals last year because of a broken leg.

Sid’s eyes easily found Jamie standing in the bench area.  He knew that by his second shift on the ice, Jamie and Horny would be out there with him.  Somehow, the three of them fit together on the ice.  Well, it was more like he and Jamie fit together and Horny reaped the benefits, scoring a career high in goals. 

Sid could play with anyone, well, he liked to think so anyway, but it wasn’t really true.  He had very rarely found the right on-ice chemistry and over the years wingers had come and gone.  The closest he’d come to what he had this year was the year that Kuni and Duper were on his line.  They’d been on their way to a scoring title, he was sure, until Duper got hurt.  But this line, the current top line of the Pens was special, it was as if they’d been playing together forever.

As expected, Jamie and Horny went over the boards with Sid for his second shift of the game.  They were out for 53 seconds before the Oilers iced the puck as they were making a line change, stopping play so the Pens didn’t have to make a change on the fly.  Sid saw Jamie skate past one of the Oilers on his way to the bench, noticing that Jamie’s head snapped up sharply as he passed the guy.  Sid saw Jamie turn and say something back.

“What’d he say?” Sid asked when Jamie sat down next to him on the bench.  He got a quick ‘nothing’ as Jamie’s only response.  Sid wasn’t even sure which Oiler it had been.

The first period was a feeling out process for the two teams.  They’d only faced each other twice this season, so there were a lot of unknowns.  For the better part of the period, Sullivan took advantage of having the last change and kept Sid’s line out against McDavid’s line.  Fighting power with power, he said.  The teams came off the ice for the intermission without either having scored.

During the second period, Sully tried a different approach, putting Sid’s line out against some of the other Oilers’ lines.  That strategy provided success when Jamie found Sid in front of the net for a beautiful re-direct that went past Cam Talbot.  They’d been out against the Oilers’ second line, Maroon – Nugent-Hopkins – Eberle. 

Since they’d only been out for about 20 seconds before scoring, Sully had Sid’s line stay out for the face-off when the Oilers kept their same line out.  Sid watched Jamie skate over to his side of the circle, he should have been paired off against Jordan Eberle, the right-winger.  Instead, Sid watched the other winger, Patrick Maroon slide up next to Jamie.  He saw Maroon saying something and could visibly see Jamie tense, but Jamie chirped back at him.

Sid realized it had been Maroon he’d seen chirp Jamie earlier, too.  This could be bad.  Very bad.  Up until last spring, Maroon had played for the Ducks.  He’d been there when Jamie had played for Anaheim.  From Jamie’s reaction, Sid wasn’t sure however. 

The game ended that way, Sid’s goal the only one scored.  On the ride home, Jamie leaned his head against the window, his eyes closed.

“Everything okay?  Saw Maroon chirping at you.”

He heard Jamie take a deep breathe, exhaling slowly, before responding.  “Just the same old, same old.”

“He was with the Ducks last year, wasn’t he?  When you were there?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you know him very well out there?”

“I really didn’t get to know any of them very well.  Why?”

“Just wondered.  Not important.”  Sid reached across the consul and took Jamie’s hand.  “You’re just quiet.  Thought maybe he said something about what happened.”

“I’m just tired.”  Jamie whispered.  He didn’t confirm Sid’s suspicions, but he didn’t deny them either.

Tuesday’s optional skate found Sid on the ice, but not Jamie.  Jamie opted to meet with Janet, the trainers, and the nutritionists.  That afternoon he seemed better.  He and Taylor spent the afternoon playing video games while Sid napped before they all went over to the Lemieux’ for dinner. 

\------------------------------------

_Stanley Cup Finals – Game 2_

_Wednesday, May 31_

The Pens were up by two goals at the start of the third period.  The Oilers were having a hard time generating any offense and the Pens were controlling the flow of play. 

Sid kept an eye on Jamie whenever he was on the ice with Maroon, also letting the others know that they needed to watch for any issues.  The two had gotten into a couple of shoving matches, and some heated verbal exchanges, but nothing that drew any penalties.  Sid asked everyone if they could hear what Maroon was saying to Jamie.  Nobody knew for sure, he was being careful to only say things when no one else was close enough to hear.

Not two minutes into the period, though, things changed.  The Oilers made a line change, sending out Maroon, Nugent-Hopkins and Eberle right at the end of Sid and Jamie’s shift.  The Pens went to make their change then.  Sid got off and Geno stepped on, but as he did, the Oilers stole the puck and headed into the Pens’ zone.  Jamie had been on the way to the bench, but saw the play unfolding and gave chase on Maroon and Eberle.  He caught up to them about the same time Dales did.  Maroon flicked a pass to Eberle who shot the puck, which careened off Flower’s pad and into the corner. 

Sid saw Jamie and Maroon hit the boards, scrambling for the puck.  From across the ice he could see Maroon chirping at Jamie.  A second later, Jamie was swinging at Maroon’s head with his gloves still on.  Maroon didn’t even get a chance to drop his gloves before Jamie had him on the ice.  The linesman was on Jamie, trying to pull him off, but he just kept swinging.  It took Dales showing up, and Eberle, to finally get Jamie up off Maroon.

Sid could hear Jamie swearing at Maroon as Dales and the lineman escorted him across the ice.  Jamie didn’t look at any of his teammates as he just stormed down the runway.  Jamie was assessed at game misconduct and was ejected for continuing to fight while Maroon was defenseless on the ice, and for not dropping his gloves, but instead using them as a ‘weapon’.  During the ten-minute five-on-four, the Oilers found new life.  McDavid scored.  Lucic scored.  Nugent-Hopkins scored.  The Oilers held on to win.

When Sid got to the locker room, Jamie was already showered, dressed and sitting in Sullivan’s office.  Sully slammed the door shut as soon as he walked in, but that didn’t keep anyone from hearing the ass chewing Jamie got for the next ten minutes.  When he finally walked out, he was making his way to the doors when Sid intercepted him.

“Don’t even,” Jamie said, reaching out to push Sid out of his way.

“Just because you and I, well, it doesn’t mean you aren’t getting a lecture from Captain to teammate.”  Sid barked loud enough that heads turned towards them.

“I got lectured.  I don’t need to hear it from you, too.  I fucked up okay.  I get that.  We lost because I fucked up.  Now get out of my way, Sid.”

“How many times do we have to tell you to ignore assholes like him.  It’s not worth the penalty.  Not like it was when you hit Kesler.  This cost us, Jamie.  In the fucking cup finals.  You’re facing a fine, they could suspend you. You have to keep your head in the game and not let them get under your skin.”

“Fuck you.  You don’t know…”  Jamie didn’t finish his sentence, he just used his size advantage to push Sid aside.  “Mom and Dad are waiting.  I’m riding with them.”  And, with that he was out the door.

Sid started to go after him when a hand landed on his shoulder.

“Let him go,” Flower calmly said.  “Look.” Sid turned and Flower nodded towards Sullivan’s office.  Sully was standing in the doorway.  “He said for you to let him go.”

Sid marched across the room and into Sully’s office

“What did he say?”

“Nothing.  He just sat there.  He said he was sorry a few times, but he wouldn’t say anything else.  Look, emotions run high in the finals and I’m guessing Maroon just got to be too much for him.  He’s taken a lot this year.  Stuff that you don’t hear, you know that.  They go after him.”

“Yeah, cause I’ve heard it for years already.”  Sid huffed.  “Okay.  Any word from the league?”

“They’ll talk to him tomorrow.  When I talked to them they thought a fine.  He kept his gloves on, but Maroon didn’t get hurt so they said that would be the end of it.  It happens again, though…”

“I know.  I tried talking to him.”

“No, you were going to yell.  He knows he did wrong.  Let it go, Sid.  Tonight I think you need to not be his captain, cause whatever Maroon said, or has been saying, really got in his head.”

\---------------

Trina and Troy are in the living room waiting for Sid when he gets home.  When he asks, they tell him that Taylor took Jamie out with her to pick up some dinner and bring it home.  Taylor, they said, intended to find out what was going on because Jamie hadn’t said a word the whole ride home.  Sid gave his parents an annoyed look before stating that Taylor just needed to stay out of it.

A short time later, Jamie and Taylor came through the front door carrying several pizza boxes.  Neither one looked happy and when Jamie saw Sid sitting on the couch, he dropped the boxes he was carrying on the coffee table and stormed upstairs.  Sid glared at Taylor.

“He didn’t say anything.  Wouldn’t talk.  He’s as stubborn as you sometimes.”

Sid lifted the lid to the box on top, ham, onions, pineapple, Jamie’s favorite on half, pepperoni and veggies on the other half for Sid.  He picked up the box, went to the kitchen and got some drinks, and headed up the stairs. 

It wasn’t long before Trina, Troy and Taylor heard the slamming of the bedroom door and then Jamie stomping down the stairs, he didn’t even stop as he continued down to the basement.  When they went to bed, Jamie still hadn’t come back up and Sid’s bedroom door was still shut.

The communication blackout continued the next day during breakfast.  And on the flight to Edmonton.  And in the hotel room.

Sid’s unpacking his bag when his phone chimes.  It’s a text from Kris.

“Dinner is casual tonight, some place Flower found.” He tells Jamie, who is sitting on the bed typing away on his laptop.

“I’m not going.  Meeting McDavid for dinner.” 

Sid is really surprised.  Jamie and Connor aren’t what he would call friends, at least he’d never thought of Connor being on the same level with Larkin or Ekblad on Jamie’s list of friends around the league.  Jamie didn’t have dinner with too many people outside of the team.  But he let it go, finished unpacking, changed and left to go to Kris’ room.  When he got back from dinner later, Jamie wasn’t there.

Sid heard him stumbling around the room and opened his eyes.  In the dim light, he could make out Jamie’s form as he made a couple of trips from his suitcase on the desk to the bathroom and back.  Eventually, he watched Jamie walk around the end of the bed, then felt the mattress dip as Jamie climbed in under the covers.

“How’s Connor?”

“Fine.”

“Want to talk about last night, yet?”

“No.”

And that was the end of the conversation. 

\--------------------------------

The talk with the league hadn’t come the day after the game, but in a video conference call before the Pens’ practice in Edmonton the day after that.  Jamie didn’t offer anything about why he went after the Oiler.  He got a strong warning that it had better not happen again, and a fine equivalent to a game’s pay. 

When they got back to the hotel after practice, Jamie just curled up in bed and went to sleep, still not talking much.  Sid gave him his space, going over to his parents’ room. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Sid flopped down on his back on the bed, next to his mom, who was sitting propped up against the headboard.  His dad sat in a chair reading a book.

“Still not talking?”

“Not really.  Not anymore than he has to anyway.  At least he is acknowledging that I’m in the room.”  Sid sounded exasperated.

“What do you think has him so upset?  Because he took the major or what that other player said to him?”  She reached down and brushed a curl from Sid’s forehead, then let her fingers brush through his hair.  “You know it’s his depression, honey.  Why he gets like this.  You can’t let it get you upset, too.”

“Is he talking to anybody else?” Troy asked without looking up from his book.

“He talked to Tanger this morning.  And Dumo at practice.  But other than that, oh wait, and Flower.  Just those three.  That’s all I saw.  I don’t think he said five words to anybody on the ice, and he kept to himself.  He was off the ice before everybody else, and out of the shower and dressed fast and...”  Sid paused, his mind working.

“What?  I can see the wheels working.  What is it?” Trina brushed his hair again.

“When he first came.  He was really uncomfortable around the team, in the locker room, because of, well, something that happened in Anaheim.”

“With his team mates?”  Troy looked up.  “What you told me about when you were thinking about dating him?”

“Yeah.  And Maroon was on the team then, the Ducks.”  Sid sat up.  “It’s not taking the penalty.  It’s Maroon, whatever he said.  I’ll let you know what we’re doing for dinner, okay.  I need to go talk to him.”  And with that, Sid was up and out of the room.

\---------------------------------------------

Sid climbed on the bed and stretched out against Jamie’s back, slipping his left arm under Jamie and wrapping it around his chest.  He let his other arm rest on Jamie’s shoulder as his hand brushed softly against Jamie’s cheek.

“You awake?”

“Am now,” Jamie mumbled.  “What?”

“What did Maroon say?  It wasn’t just the same shit you’ve been hearing.  He was in Anaheim last season.  He said something about what happened, didn’t he?”

Sid felt Jamie’s body tense up, his breath hitching for a minute before he let out a long sigh.

“It’s not important.  I’m not worth… it wasn’t worth taking the penalty.”  Jamie said softly.

“Tell me.  Please.”  Sid lightly kissed the back of Jamie’s neck. 

“It doesn’t matter, Sid.  It was just the same shit.”

“It wasn’t.  He said something about Anaheim.”

Jamie turned his face into the pillow, turning away from Sid’s touch.  “Fuck Anaheim.”

“Tell me.  Let me help, okay?”

“I thought I had dealt with that shit.  I mean, I’d hit Kesler and it felt good.  And I had put all that out of my mind.  Well, except for those few days in December.  But I mean, I have so much other shit going on in my brain I thought I’d at least pushed that out.  But then, fuck him, he starts squawking at me about it.”

“What was he saying?”

Jamie rolls over onto his stomach, keeping his head turned from Sid.  Sid pulls his arm out from under Jamie and props himself up on his elbow, his other hand rubbing up and down Jamie’s back.

“Jamie?”

“The first night, it was just a bunch of shit about Kesler.  How his buddy Kes said this or that about me.  But then, during the last game he said…” Jamie’s voice gets soft, Sid strains to hear him, “he said he was there.  That a bunch of the Ducks were, that it wasn’t just… it was a bunch of them… even….”

Sid expected Jamie to say Getzlaf, the Ducks’ Captain.  Getz had been extremely nice to Jamie during the World Cup last year, when Jamie was hanging with Team Canada.  To hear that he might have been there, well that would hurt Jamie.  But Sid was sure that Getz wouldn’t be the type to have been part of any hazing.

“even… Hags.”  Jamie whispered.

Sid was stunned.

“What?”

“He said Hags was there.  Said how could I trust my teammates here.  That’s when I…”  Jamie’s words stutter out, “that’s when I… I couldn’t… I couldn’t breathe… all I could do… was… I just wanted to…”

Sid shifts and lays down on Jamie, pressing his chest to Jamie’s back, he kisses Jamie’s cheek, nuzzles against it.  He feels Jamie’s body shudder beneath him, feels the minute the sobbing comes, feels Jamie’s tears against his cheek.

“Oh, baby boy,” Sid whispers between kisses.  “Ssshh… It’s okay.  I don’t think that’s true for a minute.  He said it to get to you.  Fucking asshole.  It’s okay.  You did the right thing.  It’s okay.”

“No it’s not.  What if… what if he wasn’t lying.  What if I just can’t remember it?  I thought I had, but what if...”

“Okay.  Okay.   Ssshhh… don’t think about it right now, okay.”  Sid rolled over, off Jamie and on to his back next to him.  “Come here.”  He pulled Jamie over so that Jamie was laying with his head on Sid’s chest.  Sid wrapped his arms around him and pulled him tight.  “I’m right here, I’ve got you, okay.  We’ll get through this together, just like everything else.  It’ll be okay.”

Jamie eventually calms down and falls asleep, held safely in Sid’s embrace.

\------------------------------------------

That evening, they go to dinner with the family and while Jamie is mostly quiet, he does engage in a little bit of good-natured chirping with Taylor.  When they got back to the hotel, they met with Sully in his room to explain what was going on.  Sully backed what Sid had told Jamie, saying that Jamie was absolutely in the right to have defended himself against what Maroon was saying.  Sully told Jamie that he should have said something at the time.  He did everything he could to try and let Jamie know that it was okay.  Jamie wasn’t sure.  Hitting Kesler and taking a penalty was one thing, this was different he said.  Sully told him it wasn’t, and assured Jamie that anytime anyone crossed the line, like Maroon had done, and tried to make a joke or get to Jamie by trash talking about what happened that it wasn’t okay, that Jamie needed to stand up to that.

Their next stop was Hags’ room.

“He said what?” Hags couldn’t believe what Jamie was saying.  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I told Jamie he was probably just trying to get under his skin.”

“First, I’m not keeping anything.  And if I’d been part of it, would I have gone to management about Kesler?  Come on, Jamie.  And second, the Pens aren’t the Ducks.”  Hags stated.  “Fuck the Ducks anyway.”

“Did any of the others, the other Ducks’ that is, did any of them say anything about being there?”  Jamie kept his head down, unable to look at Hags.

“No.  Not to me anyway.  I think I’d have heard something.”

“I do.  I just… he said…”

“Look.  It was Kesler and Silfverberg.  I never got the impression that Maroon was that tight with them.  So, I’m guessing he was making it up.”

“Okay.”  Jamie lifted his head.  “If you think…”

“Yeah,” Hags said, wrapping his arm around Jamie.  “But look at it this way, too, okay.  It happened.  Whether it was just those two, or somebody else was there, it happened.  And you got past it.  You didn’t let it, you didn’t let them beat you, isn’t that what you said to me one time?  So don’t let it do that now.  And like I said, the Pens’ aren’t the Ducks.  Let the guys know what Maroon said, why you fought him, well, why you pummeled him into the ice I should say.  You’ll be surprised at what they say I think.”

\---------------------------------

Sid woke up when Jamie cried out in his sleep, his arms pushing at something in his dream.

“No. Don’t.” Jamie called out. 

“Hey.  Hey, baby boy, it’s okay.”  Sid tried to grab Jamie’s arms and hold him still.  “Hey, wake up.  It’s okay.  I’m right here.”

Jamie fought against Sid, now twisting and tossing his body trying to get away. 

“No.  Please.”  The panic in his voice increased.

“Sid.  Please.  Sid!”

“Jamie, wake up.  It’s okay.  I’m right here.”

Suddenly Jamie stilled, but he was breathing hard.  His eyes fluttered open.  Sid eased his grip on Jamie’s arms and then reached up to cup his face.

“It’s okay.  I’m right here.”  Sid held Jamie’s face, looking into his eyes.  The blank expression he saw scared him.  “Jamie.  Jamie look at me.  It’s okay.”

Slowly, Jamie seemed to focus in on Sid, waking up.  Sid rolled over, pulling Jamie with him and in to that same tight embrace that had calmed Jamie early that day. 

“It’s okay.  I’m right here.  What do I need to do?  What do you need?”

“Just… just hold me,” Jamie begged, pressing himself tighter to Sid, “please, just don’t let go.”

\---------------------------------------

_Stanley Cup Finals – Game 3_

_Saturday, June 3_

Sid worried about Jamie all day.  Jamie wouldn’t talk about the nightmare.  Jamie wouldn’t talk about Maroon.  He hadn’t said anything to any of his teammates about it either, despite Hagelin’s suggestion.  He just kept to himself.

Jamie was a bundle of nerves as they got ready to hit the ice for warm-ups, but he hadn’t thrown up.  Sid was a little conflicted over that, while he knew it wasn’t good for Jamie to toss his cookies before a game, in this case it might help settle Jamie’s nerves.  But it didn’t happen.  Jamie just paced around the hallway until it was time and he fell in behind Flower and Brian to hit the ice. 

Things seemed to be going well, Jamie skated with everyone, making half laps and slapping shots at Flower.  Once the required drills were done, Jamie stopped out along the blue line to stretch and do some puck handling, his pre-game routine.  Sid settled in by him.

“What are you doing?”  Jamie looked up at Sid.  “This isn’t where you stretch.”

“I just thought…”

“No.  Go do your thing.  I’m fine.”

Sid could tell Jamie wasn’t fine, his eyes kept darting over to the Oilers, looking for Maroon Sid was sure.  But, Jamie also looked irritated with Sid’s mother-henning, so Sid skated off to do his own thing.  From across the ice, he saw Jamie stretch then stand and start playing around with the puck.  Then he saw Maroon skate past on the other side of the center line.  Jamie tensed.  Maroon came around again.  Jamie stopped his puck handling and stood there.  Sid saw him take a step towards the line, then stop as Maroon skated away. 

Jamie skated across the ice to the bench, stepping off and heading down the runway 

When Sid walked in to the locker room after warm-ups, Jamie wasn’t there and he had a moment of panic before Stewie found him.

“He’s in room one, with Janet.”  Stewie nodded towards the first private room, “he’s calmed down.”

Sid opened the door slowly, stepping inside he found Jamie sitting on the table with Janet sitting next to him.  He was quietly eating a protein bar and had a bottle of Gatorade in his other hand.  Janet was saying something which Sid couldn’t hear.  Jamie was staring at the floor but looked up when Sid stepped closer. 

“You okay?”

Jamie just shook his head, and put the last bite of the protein bar in his mouth. 

“They didn’t come get me, so I didn’t know.  I thought maybe you just needed to not be out there, if I’d have thought you were having an attack, I’d have come you know.”

“I had them get Janet.” Jamie said softly, barely audible.  “You need to worry about the game, not me.”

“I would have come.”  Sid took off his helmet and stepped in close to Jamie, tipping his head so that their foreheads touched.  “You’re more important, remember.”

“I can’t.  I can’t be out there.”  Jamie murmured, his voice shaking.  “I told Sully to scratch me.”

Sid straightened and looked at Janet who had a disappointed look on her face.  “I tried to talk to him, but it’s what he wants.”

Behind them the door opened and Rick Tocchet stuck his head inside.  “Hey, we need both of you out here.”

Jamie hopped down off the bench and reluctantly followed Sid out to the locker room.  Brian was sitting in Sid’s stall so that Sid could sit next to Jamie.  The only people in the room were the players and coaches, along with Janet.  Phil stood up once Jamie and Sid sat down.

“Hags told us about Maroon.  We want you to know that we all feel that you did the right thing taking a swing at the asshole, but, um, maybe next time you should make sure you drop your gloves first.”

Tommy stood up next, “And we want you to know that taking the major didn’t lose us the game.  Our penalty kill gave up those goals.  It’s a problem we’ve had all season and well, they took advantage of it.  It wasn’t because of you.  They could have done it on a bunch of minors, too.”

Next up was Conor, “So yeah, keep taking the penalties if you need to, the PK can use the practice.”

Culls throws a glove at Conor.  “Not funny.”

“Whatever.  Anyway.  It’s what we’ve told you.  We’re family.”  Conor said then sat down as Rusty stood up.

“We’re family and we’ve got your back.  So we told, uh, I mean asked Sully not to scratch you tonight,”  Bryan looked sheepishly at his coach, who just smiled, “and there’s a spot on the bench for you whether you actually play or not.”

Jamie had been sitting with his head down, staring at the Pens’ logo in the center of the floor.  When he heard what Rusty said, he lifted his head and looked around the room.  All of his teammates were nodding their heads.

“I can’t.  It’s the Cup, you guys deserve to have four full lines, with guys who will be in the game.  I… I just can’t.”  He had been leaning slightly towards Sid, but now let his body press up against Sid, dropping his head again.

Culls stood up.  “Family comes first.”  He walked over and patted Jamie on top of the head.  “See ya on the bench, Jim-Bob.”

One by one, the others all stood and walked over to Jamie, patting him on the head or shoulder and telling him the same thing.  The last to stand was Sid, who bent down and kissed Jamie’s forehead. 

“You do what you need to do.”

\-----------------------------

When Jamie had really started to struggle over the last couple months of the season, Janet had numerous meetings with the Pens management and coaching staff.  Mostly discussing Jamie’s status and what the team could do to help him, not only at the moment, but also in the long term.  After the series with the Flyers, Mario had said it when they’d met with Jamie.  ‘We don’t want to lose you.’

Janet told them it was highly important to keep Jamie playing.  Only scratch him if he was hurt, or if he was truly having a bad day.  So far, the Pens hadn’t had to do that.  Not in the playoffs.  They had kept Jamie in the game so to speak.  Sullivan had, for the first time, felt that Jamie needed to be scratched.  He’d come off the ice just over half-way into warm-ups and fallen apart, one of the worst panic attacks Sullivan had seen so far.  And, for the first time, Jamie had one during a game basically.  Before they’d been off-ice or away from the arenas, never during a warm-up or game. 

Stewie had gotten to Jamie right-away, but couldn’t calm him.  Jamie managed to get out that he wanted Janet, not Sid.  The full-on panic attack lasted a good five minutes before Janet got Jamie to calm down.  She managed to get him into a training room just before everyone started to come off the ice.  When she’d come out to ask for a protein bar and Gatorade, she’d told Sullivan that he needed to get Jamie out on the ice, or, she stated determinedly, he could be gone for the rest of the series, and maybe forever.  She was sure of it.

It wasn’t really a hard decision when the team asked him not to scratch Jamie.  He knew that Janet was right.  He’d seen Jamie slipping away over the last week.  The team all seemed to sense it as well, Jamie had been struggling, but the last couple of days had been the worst they’d seen.  This game, what happened with Maroon, might be his breaking point.  They weren’t about to let it happen.  So, they told Sullivan that it didn’t matter if all Jamie did was sit on the bench, he needed to be out there with them.

Once the team had filtered out, Sullivan walked over to Jamie.  “The spot is there, come out whenever you can, even if you just sit with us.  The guys are right, Jamie.  Family comes first.”

“But, it’s the cup finals.  How do I…”

“Because you trust them.  I trust them.  I know that this group is going to step up their game.  They’ll cover for you, just like they’ve done any time somebody got hurt all season.  Just like you stepped up your game to cover for being short a forward or a defenseman.  It’s what this team has done all along.  It’s what won us a cup last year and it’s going to win us a cup this year.”  Sully patted Jamie on the head.  “Whenever you get out there, Jim-Bob.”

\--------------------------------

A little over three minutes into the game, Rick Tocchet nudged Mike Sullivan and nodded towards the end of the bench.  “Look who’s down by Jars.”

Sullivan patted Sid on the shoulder.  “Look.”

Sid looked around the guys on the bench and saw Jamie sitting in a chair just behind Tristan Jarry, the back-up goalie.  Jamie still had his gear on which was good, and he was intently watching the play.

By the first TV break, Jamie has moved over to the end of the bench, sitting next to the d-men.  Brian makes a point of sitting next to him whenever he’s not on the ice, letting Jamie press their thighs together, knowing it helps ground Jamie.

With just over nine minutes left, Jamie makes his way down to the other end of the bench and sits down in front of Sullivan.  Heinze hands him a stick.

“Well?”  Sully leans down and asks Jamie, who just nods.

Sid and Horny come off the ice at the end of their shift and Sid sits down next to Jamie.  Jamie leans over, letting their shoulders touch.

“Okay?” Sid asks.

“Okay.”  Jamie says weakly.  “I hope.”

“I’ll be out there with you.  We’ve got this.  Together, baby boy.”  Sid leans in, whispering into Jamie’s ear.

“Sid, Horny, Jim-Bob.  You’re up next.”  Rick Tocchet calls out the line change. 

A few seconds later, Jamie goes over the boards with his line mates.

The Pens win game three, 4-2.  Jamie has a goal and two assists by the end of the night. 

That night, he climbs into bed and snuggles up against Sid, who wraps his arms around Jamie and pulls him tight. 


	48. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid watches the tears roll down Jamie’s cheeks and drip off his face.  
> “I haven’t seen this picture since then, not until the other night.  When I did, it was like I was there again.  In that room.  I could hear him… I could…”  Jamie took a stuttering breath.  “I could hear you talking to me, other people.  It was like I was having a nightmare, but I was awake.  It was like I couldn’t convince myself I wasn’t dreaming, even though I knew I wasn’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with other chapters that talk about Jamie's past, this is intense in places and may contain triggers for some people. I've tried to tag things, but there's always things that get missed.
> 
> As always... thanks for reading. Kudos and comments always appreciated (even if I don't always reply)... 
> 
> And... read the prologue & epilogue of the first part of this story... all will be well in the end....

Jamie sleeps the better part of Sunday, as their family and teammates filter in and out throughout the day.  Conor, Brian, Bryan, and Tommy show up after practice and kick Sid out, telling him to go spend some time with his parents.  When Sid comes back two hours later, there are bodies all entwined on the king size bed sound asleep in one giant pile.  Sid snaps a few photos to tuck away for future use, then he quietly gathers his laptop and leaves again, going over to Flower’s room for another couple of hours.

When he ventures back the second time, Jamie and Brian are the only two still there.  Brian has Jamie sitting up watching a movie.  The three of them order room service and after dinner Brian heads back to his room.  Sid sits on the bed, his back against the headboard and legs stretched out, Jamie lying next to him, his head in Sid’s lap.  Sid pulls up some video of the Oilers, and Jamie watches for a little while, but is soon back asleep.

Jamie sleeps fairly soundly through the night, stirring a couple of times, but not having the violent nightmares that plague him some nights.  Monday morning things seem to be okay as they join the team for breakfast and take part in the optional pre-game skate. 

\------------------------------------

_Stanley Cup Finals – Game 4_

_Monday, June 5_

For the most part, Jamie’s head is in the game.  Sully can see a few times where he knows Jamie’s brain is somewhere else, and there are times on the ice when he seems a step behind the play, but he’s on the ice and that’s what counts.  Jamie is managing to make passes and he’s taken several good shots.  After two, the game is tied at 2. 

As has been the case throughout the season, the Pens come to life in the third period, dominating play, puck possession and shots on goal.  It isn’t long before they go up two goals on the Oilers, Jamie getting in on one of them with an assist to Geno on a power play.  And that’s how the game ends, Pens winning 4-2, and taking a three games to one lead in the series.  None of them talk about it after the game, but they all quietly hope that this year they can win the Cup at home on Thursday night.

Jamie’s in the changing room waiting for Sid when Tristan Jarry walks in carrying a newspaper.  Some of the other guys are hanging around, a few have already gone out to the bus.  The press have cleared out, as well as the crew from Showtime’s All Access.  It’s just Pens players and staff left in the locker room area.

“Hey, my billet mom brought me this.  There’s a story in here about you.”  Jarry sits down on the bench next to Jamie.

Jamie looks skeptical.  “I don’t remember any interview with anybody from Edmonton.”

Jarry hands him the paper, folded open to the article with the headline ‘Edmonton’s Hometown Hockey Star’.  Jamie reads the first line.

_While he may have not been born here, Pittsburgh Penguin star forward Jamie Marsh grew up here and calls Edmonton home._

He skims down through the article.  It talks about Jamie playing for various Alberta clubs, then with the Oil Kings.  It talks about leading the team in points as a 16 year-old and helping the team win the Memorial Cup that year.  It talks about his birth parents passing away, about him being adopted by Bill and Jean, and about Kyle’s suicide and then the car accident that claimed his adoptive parents.  Jamie’s shaking a little as he reads it, there are a lot of details and he knows he never talked to anyone.

“There’s a really good picture of your parents.  Wow, man, you really look like your mom.”  Jars says off-handedly.

Jamie answers without really thinking about it.  “Jean Marsh wasn’t my mom, Jars.  I was adopted so I don’t think I could really look like…”

“No.  Your mom, man.  There’s a picture of you with your parents.  You must be maybe five or six, so fucking cute in your uniform.  And I didn’t know you were named after your dad.  But your mom, she was pretty and you really look like her.”

_Why do you have to look like her?  Why?  You look like her.  It should have been you._

The words rush in to Jamie’s mind, he hears them in Sid’s voice.

_Why?  Why her.  Why wasn’t it you.  It would be so much better for everyone if it had been you._

“Jamie?  Hey, Marshie, what’s wrong?”  Jars puts his hand on Jamie’s shoulder, calling him by the nickname from when he played with Jamie on the Oil Kings.

Jamie can’t make his hands work, he shoves the paper at Jarry.  “Wh…wh… where?  Photo.” He manages to get out.

Tristan takes the paper and flips the page to where the article is continued.  There are several photos on that page.  Jamie in his Oil Kings uniform.  Jamie with Bill and Jean.  Jamie on his U10 team.  And there it is… Jamie with his birth parents.

Jamie stares at it.  His mom.  His dad.  He can’t breathe.

_You look like her.  Why?  Why do you have to be so much like her?_

The voice gets louder and louder in Jamie’s head.  It’s Sid.  Then it isn’t.  His heart is racing.  His breath coming fast and shallow.  He’s starting to hyperventilate.  The room starts to spin and it’s like looking through the wrong end of a spyglass, distorting everything.  The words pound at his brain.  He can see his father’s face, it’s like his dreams but he knows he’s awake.

Jamie puts his hands over his ears, rocking back and forth.  He repeats just one word, over and over.  Please.

Culls is one of the players still in the room, his head snaps up from his phone when he hears Jamie.  He’s up and over to him in a heartbeat, followed by Conor and Tommy. 

“What happened?” Culls grills Jarry.  “What did you say?  What did you do?”

“Nothing.  I was just showing him this article and…”

“Go find Sid and Stewie.” Tommy orders as Culls squats down in front of Jamie, bringing himself to Jamie’s level.  “Or, Doc.  Hurry up.”

Jarry sprints out of the room, passing Kris who is just walking in to finish changing.  Kris looks up when Jarry bumps his shoulder on the way by.  He’s going to yell at the rookie goalie, but his eye catches the others standing around Jamie.  Kris rushes over and pushes his way past Tommy and Conor to sit down next to Jamie.

“Please.  Daddy, please.” Kris thinks he hears him say.

“What’s wrong?”  Kris asks.  “This isn’t like a normal panic attack.”

“No shit, Tanger.”  Culls snaps.  “Somebody go find Janet, too.”

Conor says he’ll get her as he turns, Tommy follows after him.

Jamie is still rocking back and forth, his head in his hands as if trying to block out everything.   His eyes are clenched shut.  He’s not there.  He’s in his living room, six-years-old, standing in front of his father.  His father, who is yelling.  He doesn’t hear Sid’s voice anymore.  It’s his father’s voice.

_It should have been you!  It should have been you!  It should have been you!_

It’s a few minutes before Sid pushes past everybody and drops down next to Jamie, leaning down close and talking to him.  Trying to calm him. 

“Hey, I’m right here, baby boy.  It’s okay.  You’re okay.” Sid whispers into Jamie’s ear.

_It should have been you.  Why?  Why wasn’t it you._

“Please.  Please don’t say that.  Please.”  Jamie cries softly.

“Jamie.  What?  Don’t say what?  You’re okay, baby.  We’re all here.  You’re okay.” 

Janet rushes into the room.  “What happened?  What was he doing when this started?”

Jarry tells her about the article and the photo.  “I said he looked like his mom and he got upset, then he looked at the picture and this happened.”  He sounded afraid, like he’d somehow caused this.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t know it would upset him.  I’m sorry.”

Janet knelt down next to Jamie, listening to what Jamie was mumbling between body-racking sobs.  She turned and looked at Stewart, who had come in and was kneeling by Jamie as well.  Stewie was sitting back on his heels, not sure of what to do to help Jamie at this point.

“Go find Vyas.  Or get something that will calm him down, painkiller, whatever, something that will knock him out if we need to.”

Stewart was up and out of the room in a heartbeat.

“What’s going on?” Sid agonized to Janet.  “This isn’t a fucking panic attack.”

“Something… the article… the photo… something triggered a memory, something related to the PTSD I think.”  She leaned down close to Jamie.  “Jamie.  It’s Janet, honey.  It’s okay.  You’re here with us.  Can you hear me?”

“What do I need to do?” Sid asked.

“Keep talking to him.  Let him know you’re here.  Tell him he’s here and safe.”

Vyas came in to the room then, following Stewart.  Janet stood up and the three moved off to an area away from the others.  Vyas asked the guys if they knew how long Jamie had been like this.  Somebody said maybe 15 minutes at this point.  Vyas walked out and came back carrying the team drug box, sitting it down on the bench.  The team watched him fix a shot and come over to Jamie.

“What are you giving him?” Sid demanded, stopping Vyas’ arm as he reached for Jamie.

“Diazepam.  It should calm him down within just a few minutes.”  Vyas said calmly.  “It’s okay Sid.  I need a large muscle.  His arm.  Or backside preferably.”

“Give me a hand.” Sid wraps his arms around Jamie and pulls him tight.  Jamie doesn’t fight him, as Sid leans him back a little.  Kris and Culls manage to undo Jamie’s belt and get his pants down far enough for Doctor Vyas to jab the needle in. 

“It’ll take a few minutes.” He tells Sid again.  Sid just sits and lets Jamie rock in his arms, whispering into his ear.

\-------------------------------

Once the sedative had started to work, Sid was able to get Jamie calmed down.  It had taken a while, though.  Long enough that the rest of the team had boarded the bus and headed back to the hotel, then the bus had returned and picked up Sid, Jamie and everyone else.  Jamie had appeared glassy eyed and disoriented, leaning against Sid and Stewie.  Luckily the hotel lobby was fairly deserted by the time they got Jamie there.

Sid sat on the edge of the bed, his hand resting on Jamie’s leg.  Taylor was sitting on the bed with Jamie’s head in her lap, softly rubbing her thumb along his eyebrow.  Jamie was curled up, the covers pulled up tight under his chin.  He was finally sleeping.

“Janet, your thoughts?”  Sully inquired.  They were all there still, Sully, Sid’s family, Janet and Dr. Vyas.

Janet passed him the newspaper she’d been holding.  “The picture with his mom and dad.  Sid, you said you’d never seen a picture of his real parents?  I’m guessing that started this.  Flooded him with memories, or made him flashback to his father’s suicide.  Without really talking to him, I’m just guessing though.”

“So this is different than the anxiety, panic episodes?”  Sully questions.

“Yes.  Without going in to detail, he’s had what could be described as flashbacks to a degree in that he heard voices, things that could be memories being said to him.  And his nightmares, what he’s told me about them, it’s memories coming to the forefront in his subconscious while he’s asleep.  But this.  This was absolutely the worst I’ve seen him with anything.  Whatever happened, he went so deep into his own mind that neither Sid, nor I, could reach him.”

She paused for a few seconds, choosing her next words carefully.  “I’ve been treating him for two years, roughly, and in that time he’s always been very, I don’t know, strong, resilient.  You like to use that word about the team, Mike, but you also say it about individual players.  I was convinced he was through the worst just a few months ago, but then, well we all know what happened.  Since his mental health issues were reported I’ve watched him struggling, barely staying afloat at times.  I know he had an episode in March, when you were here for a game…”

“What?  Why didn’t I know about that?”  Sully looks at Sid.

“He disappeared for a while.  Wouldn’t really talk about it.  But he seemed to be doing okay after that, Janet.” Sid told them. 

“Maybe.  Maybe not.  He’d been very good at hiding his depression at times, not letting you see how bad it can be.  That was until the playoffs, what happened after the first round and everything.  Then over the last week he’s been coming apart.  Whether it’s because it’s Edmonton and all the memories he has from here, because this is where the initial trauma happened, I think it’s all a huge factor.  I told you last August, from what he’s told me and what I can get him to talk about, this is seated in what happened when he was six-years-old, to his father’s suicide.  But you add his friend, his first love, also committing suicide, his adoptive parents dying, and then the incident from Anaheim coming back up because of Maroon.  I told you the other night he was on the verge of breaking.  I think tonight, well, I’m not sure how he’ll come out of this.”

“Okay.  I know we ask a lot, but what do we do.”  Sully inquired, concern obvious.

“I have talked to the Oilers team doctor, he’s sending over a prescription for an oral sedative and an anti-depressant.” Vyas injects.  “I also think that we need to seriously discuss in-patient treatment at this point.”

“I think he needs to be seen by a psychiatrist at least.  Let them determine what medication he should be taking.”  Janet says.  “I can see him as an in-patient if that’s what comes of this.  But I would wait a couple of days, or wait until he sees a psychiatrist who can maybe confirm my diagnosis.”

Sid glances at Jamie, worried that they are talking about him as if he wasn’t there.  He watches the steady, slow, even rise and fall of the blanket over his chest as Taylor gently strokes his cheek.  Jamie’s out, sleeping soundly finally thanks to the sedative.

“Can we just wait and see how he is tomorrow?” he asks, interrupting the debate over what would be best going on between Janet and Vyas. 

“Sure, Sid.”  Sully can see the worry on his captain’s face.  “We’ll leave you guys alone.”

Sully gets the others up and herds them towards the door, “Get some rest yourself.  We’ll see you in the morning.”

Sid’s family stays for a little while, watching over Jamie as Sid gets ready for bed.  Troy gives him a hug and Trina kisses his cheek as they leave.  At first, Taylor is insistent that she is going to stay, but when her mom gives her a stern look, she too get up and leaves, bending to kiss Jamie’s forehead before she hugs Sid and follows her parents out.

Sid settles in next to Jamie and spends a half-hour texting with the team who are all concerned about what happened.  He calls Jarry, too.  The rookie had felt guilty, apologizing over and over for ‘causing’ this.  Sid had reassured him that it wasn’t his fault.  After they hung-up, Sid called Flower and told him to check on the young goalie.

Jamie was still sleeping soundly when Sid finally closed his eyes. 

\-------------------------------------

As the sedative wore off, Jamie grew more restless in his sleep, tossing and turning.  Sid had finally called Vyas around 6:30 am when Jamie had woken up shaking and crying, his expression as blank and far away as it had been the night before in the locker room.  Vyas had given Jamie another shot. 

Instead of joining the team for breakfast, Sid ordered room service.  He managed to get Jamie to eat a few bites of pancakes and some bacon.  Jamie’s eyes were again glassy and unfocused, Sid wasn’t sure if it was from the sedative or something else.  Sid managed to get Jamie dressed, get their bags packed and with some help from the guys, get Jamie to the bus then onto the plane. 

He and Brian traded seats so that Sid could sit next to Jamie on the flight home.  Most of the way, Jamie slept against Sid’s shoulder.  A few times, Sid woke him up to get him to eat something or drink some Gatorade.  Jamie just stared at… nothing.  Wherever his mind was, it wasn’t on a plane flying from Edmonton to Pittsburgh.

The rest of the team watched Sid patiently take care of Jamie.  Wiping his mouth when some of his drink dribbled out, then wiping the crumbs of a cookie off his mouth.   Watching as Sid sat and brushed his fingers lightly over Jamie’s cheek as he whispered to Jamie.

“I want that kind of love,” Tommy said to Conor at one point.

“What,” Conor asked from the seat next to him.

“What they have.  The way Sid takes care of Jamie.  The way Jamie is with Sid.  Love.  I want that with someone.”  Tommy explains. 

With his parents’ and T’s help, Sid got Jamie home.  Vyas had given him a script for Diazepam and an anti-depressant, the first incase Sid needed it if Jamie had another attack, the second in hopes that Jamie might start taking it.  They were still talking about in-patient treatment, but Sid was reluctant to have Jamie committed at this point. 

Jamie was on the bed, curled up and still not responding to Sid or anyone else.  Sid had told his folks and Taylor that he’d be okay getting Jamie settled into bed by himself.  Sid went over and nudged Jamie until he got him to sit up so that Sid could help him strip out of his clothes.  Sid went to the dresser and got out a pair of sweats and came back, setting them next to Jamie.  He paused, though.

Taking Jamie’s hand, he tugged until Jamie stood up and followed him into the bathroom.  He sat Jamie down on the edge of the oversized tub.  Sid turned on the water and let the tub start to fill while he stripped out of his clothes.  Once he had, he got Jamie into the tub then stepped in and sat down behind him, nestling Jamie between his legs before leaning back against the tub wall, pulling Jamie with him.

Sid used his foot to turn the water off just before it was about to overflow out of the tub.  Jamie’s head was resting against Sid’s shoulder, his arms folded over his chest.  Sid’s arms were wrapped around Jamie, his one hand brushing over Jamie’s cheek.

“This is one of my favorite things, you know,” Sid says softly.  “Just laying with you.  Holding you in my arms.  You know how you are with touching one of us, letting your leg or shoulder press against us on the bench and stuff, how you say it helps you, well this helps, I don’t know, settle me I guess.  Feeling you against me.” 

Sid lets the fingertips of his other hand rub small circles on Jamie’s chest.

“Doc thinks you need to go into a psychiatric treatment facility.  Wants to have you admitted tomorrow.”  There’s no reaction from Jamie.  “I don’t know what to do to help you.  I don’t want that.  I know you don’t, but if you can’t fight through this, then I think they’re right.”

“I don’t know where you’ve gone in here,” Sid brushes his fingertips over Jamie’s forehead, “but you’ve gone away from me.  If having you go in for treatment means that I get you back, if that’s what it takes, then I guess it’s what we have to do.  But you know, I’ve told you.  We’ll do this.  We’ll get you through this and get you better.  You just need to come back to me.”

They lay there until the water cools, then Sid helps Jamie out of the tub.  Sid gently pats Jamie dry with a towel, before he dries himself off.  Jamie’s expression is still just blank, his eyes staring but not seeing.  Sid gets Jamie into his sweats and tucks him into bed, then puts on his own sweats and climbs into bed as well.

Around six, his mom brings up a tray of food for their dinner.  Sid sits up and eats, but Jamie sleeps through dinner.  Taylor and Troy both come up and sit with Sid for a while, talking about what to do regarding Jamie’s treatment.  A few times while they are there, Jamie stirs, tossing or crying softly.  Sid manages to calm him without having to try and get him to take another sedative.

Just like the night before, Sid spends time texting everyone updates before he turns off the lights and goes to sleep himself.  He sleeps restlessly, his thoughts filled with worry about Jamie.

\------------------------------------------

The next morning Sid rolls over a little after six and the bed next to him is empty.  He freaks out, frantically searching the house.  He’s not sure whether to be relieved or more panicked that Jamie’s running shoes are by the door.  After looking everywhere else, Sid starts down the stairs to the work-out room and office, afraid of what he’ll find.  Halfway down the stairs he sees light filtering out of the office.  He steps to the doorway, unconsciously holding his breath. 

A sigh of relief escapes his lips when he enters the room and finds Jamie sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor, two storage boxes in front of him.  One of the boxes is empty, papers and photos that had been in it spread across the floor.  It looks like only part of the second box has been dumped out.  Jamie is holding a photo in his hands, the same photo that had been in the paper.

Sid walks over and sits down next to Jamie, leaning over so their shoulders touch.  He doesn’t say anything, though, waiting for Jamie to say something.  For the first time since Monday night, there is life in Jamie’s eyes.  Sid knows that Jamie is back to the present, or he’s not lost in his mind at least.

“It’s from near the end of my first year skating,” Jamie’s voice is low, shaky.  “They sent a paper home, saying that there would be a team picture day and that my parents could get a picture taken with me in my gear.  I told him about it in the car on the way home.  I was so excited, but he just got mad.  He told me not to say anything to her, that I’d upset her.  He was always yelling at me that I was upsetting her or bothering her.  She’d been sick for a while at this point, I think.”

Jamie swallowed hard, trying to hold back his emotions.

“She had never come to see me skate.  Not once.  I wanted to tell her about the picture day, but I didn’t.  I just took the paper into my room.  A couple of days later it was gone.  I guessed that he took it.”  He keeps staring down at the picture in his hands.  “The day of the photos, I came home and got my stuff together to go skate.  When I came out of my room, I could hear them arguing.  She was standing by the door, though, with him.  She had on this pretty blouse, was wearing make-up and had this scarf wrapped around her head because she was losing her hair.  But she looked beautiful.”

“She did.”  Sid looks at the photo.  Jamie’s mom, sick as she may have been at that time, still was a beautiful woman.  Jamie looked like her.  Same eyes.  Same mouth.  Same nose even.

“I have other photos of them.  Photos taken from before I was born.  Other photos of me with her.  But this one, this is the only one I have of the three of us together.  It’s the only photo I have of him with me.”

Jamie’s breath caught, he sniffled and wiped his eyes.

“When I went to live with Mom and Dad, Bill and Jean, Jean put some of these photos in my room.  She put this one by my bed.  I couldn’t look at it.  All I could see was him from that day, his head all… whatever.  I kept hiding this picture, taking all of the pictures and hiding them where I thought no one would find them.  But Mom would, and she’d put them out.  After just a little bit, she stopped and just packed everything away.  I couldn’t tell them why the pics bothered me.  I couldn’t tell them that I only saw him the way I did in my nightmares.”

Sid watches the tears roll down Jamie’s cheeks and drip off his face.

“I haven’t seen this picture since then, not until the other night.  When I did, it was like I was there again.  In that room.  I could hear him… I could…”  Jamie took a stuttering breath.  “I could hear you talking to me, other people.  It was like I was having a nightmare, but I was awake.  It was like I couldn’t convince myself I wasn’t dreaming, even though I knew I wasn’t.”

Sid reaches down and takes the photo from Jamie’s shaking hands, putting it back in the closest box.  Carefully he slides his arm around Jamie and lets the teenager lean over against his chest, rocking him as Jamie sobs quietly.


	49. Resilience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While they hoped he would play, none of them had really expected it.  Jamie had arrived with Sid, but didn’t go through his usual pre-game routine. 
> 
> He stood around watching them stretch.  Watching them change.  Watching them play two-touch.  Finally, he had dropped his head down, looking dejected they all thought, as they watched him quietly get up and walk back into the locker room.  When they came in to put on their equipment, Jamie’s stall is empty and he isn’t there.  Heinze nods towards one of the training rooms.  None of them go to check on Jamie, though, not even Sid.

Sid’s not sure how long they sit like that, but he just rocks Jamie until the tears subside.  Eventually Jamie sits up and wipes his eyes. 

“We need to talk, if you’re okay.” Sid spoke first.  “Yesterday, were you aware at all of what I told you while we were in the bath?”

Jamie shook his head.  “Yeah.  I think, maybe.  I heard a few words, I mean, but nothing that made sense to me.”

“Do you remember anything from Monday?  Or yesterday?”

Jamie ponders Sid’s question for a few minutes.  “Did Doc give me a shot of something?”

“Diazepam.”

Jamie scrunches his nose and tips his head, “What?”

“Valium.”  Sid gives him the non-generic name.  “It was to knock you out.  He gave you a second shot yesterday morning.”

“Okay, that explains why everything yesterday is fuzzy.  I can tell you, like I said, it was like I was in my nightmare, but awake.  After the shots I don’t remember much.”

Sid fills Jamie in on everything.  Sitting with him on the flight.  Getting him home.  And Vyas’ suggestion on in-patient treatment.  He lets Jamie know that Janet is against it and what her suggestions was.  Jamie listens, but doesn’t say much.  When Sid finishes, he asks Jamie what he thinks their next step should be.

"I don't know," Jamie says quietly.  He dips his head to his chest.  "I'm done.  I can't keep doing this.  Not the way I've been doing it.  Maybe I do need to go someplace and get help."

It's not what Sid wants to hear, but he's not going to say that to Jamie.

"We'll do whatever you want, baby boy."  Sid rests his hand on the back of Jamie's neck.  "We'll just take things day by day, okay.  Or little steps if we need to.  So, I'm gonna suggest that our first step is... breakfast."

“Then I call Janet.” Jamie breathed out shakily.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Janet is greatly relieved that he has come out of the unresponsive state he was in following the episode Monday night.  She is even more pleased when Jamie agrees to meet with a psychiatrist.  She’s already been in contact with a doctor she met at a conference earlier in the year.  He’s also in the Pittsburgh area and will come to meet Jamie at Janet’s office at the Cranberry facility so that there isn’t a chance of Jamie being recognized going in and out of his office.  Jamie is to come to the center at 10 am.

Sid reluctantly gives in when Jamie insists that Sid go into Pittsburgh for practice instead of with Jamie to his appointment.  One of the reason’s he does is that Jamie consents to Troy driving him to the appointment.  Trina and Taylor ride with Sid so they can meet with the Pens PR department about wedding things.

Jamie sits and looks out the passenger window on the ride to his appointment, and Troy doesn’t pester him with questions.  When they get there, Janet introduces them both to Dr. Michael Stone, a big bear of a man that Jamie guessed was in his late fifties or sixties.  His warm, pleasant manner instantly puts Jamie at ease.

Dr. Stone had already read Janet’s notes, and talked to her at length Tuesday afternoon when Janet had called him to see if he would see Jamie.  He’d eagerly agreed.  One of the first things he mentioned was that he was a season ticket holder, and a huge fan.  After reading Janet’s reports, he told Jamie he couldn’t believe the year Jamie had on the ice given all that was going on with him.

Jamie asked Troy if he would stay with him, telling the elder Crosby that he trusted him to provide guidance and help Jamie make decisions.  Troy had looked very proud at that, Janet thought.  She pulled him aside and told him that it was a big step for Jamie to do that and that it showed how much Jamie loved Sid, how comfortable he was with being a part of the family that he would bring Troy into his meeting.  Troy told her that they’d all loved Jamie from the minute they met him and realized he was going to be with Sid.  Stone read it as more evidence that Jamie had an extensive support system, a highly valuable asset when treating mental illness.

Two hours later, Jamie was feeling better about everything.  Stone had not pushed for in-patient treatment at this point.  He did, however, feel that Jamie should be on an anti-depressant.  He told Jamie he completely understood the reluctance, given his reaction to the medication last year.  But, he also assured Jamie that it would be a very moderate dose and that he would be monitoring Jamie very closely for the first few months of treatment.

Troy took Jamie out for lunch afterwards, then they stopped at the pharmacy to fill the scripts Dr. Stone gave Jamie.  When Sid, his mom and sister got home, Jamie was sleeping on the couch, Troy sitting nearby in a chair reading a book.  They all went to the kitchen so Troy could fill them in on Jamie’s appointment, leaving him sleep.

By the time Troy finished, Sid felt better.  He was against Jamie being committed, but would have done it if it was truly what Jamie needed.  He didn’t think Jamie needed it.  He did think that Jamie just needed to be with him.  He knew that a big part of Jamie’s anxiety issues were separation issues, at least that’s what Kris and Janet had told him.  Sid knew that one of Jamie’s fears, what had played into everything that happened last year, was his fear of losing Sid.  And that was due to having lost so many people close to him already.  Sid knew it, even without Jamie telling him that.

The biggest unknown remaining was whether or not Jamie would play again this season.  At a minimum the Pens had one game remaining, at the maximum they had three games left.  Sid was torn, because part of the reason he didn’t want Jamie doing in-patient care was because they would have started it right away, and Sid couldn’t imagine Jamie not being on the ice with him to celebrate another Cup win.

He had to admit he’d been a little annoyed with Flower and Kris for forcing the kiss issue when they won the Cup last year.  Going public with their relationship had put them under a huge microscope.  Sid was sure the pressure, the slurs they still heard despite the mostly positive response, everything that they’d been through this past year had played at least some part in Jamie’s situation with his depression.  But he was also sure that the best thing about going public was getting to openly celebrate winning the Cup with Jamie.  Getting to kiss him.  Getting to hold his hand.  Getting to hug him.  He knew it was what he wanted to be able to do again, a thought reaffirmed every time he looked at the photo next to their bed, a photo of them together on the ice in San Jose, holding the Cup between them, leaning over it kissing.  It was Sid’s favorite photo from that night.

Even if Jamie didn’t play, at least he’d be there to celebrate if they won.  There was a lot of chatter on social media in want of kiss on home ice this year.  Sid was definitely in favor of that.  Winning his first Cup in 2009 had been special, that team was special.  Winning the Cup with Jamie, the person who he loved, blew that whole experience out of the water.  Sid never wanted to win another Cup without Jamie on the ice beside him.

The decision to play or not play was entirely Jamie’s, Sid knew.  All evening, Sid refrained from asking.  He wouldn’t pressure Jamie.  He would live with whatever decision was made.  Thursday morning, Jamie drove in to pre-game skate with Sid.  He didn’t skate, however.  Instead, after practice, there was a closed-door meeting between Jamie, Sully, and Rutherford.  Jamie didn’t say anything about what had been decided as they then drove home.

\------------------------------------------------------

_Stanley Cup Finals – Game 5_

_Thursday, June 8_

Flower steps onto the ice, leading the Pens out for warm-ups.  It doesn’t take long for the NBC announcers to notice that one player is missing.  They scan the ice, the bench area, check camera views from in the runway near the locker room, but no sign of Jamie.  They debate what could be wrong.  They’ve heard rumors of injury, and speculation on Jamie’s mental state, but the Pens haven’t said anything.

_“What about tonight,” Sullivan asked as he sat in his office with Jamie and Jim._

_“I really don’t know.”  Jamie fidgeted with the hem of his shirt.  “I don’t think it’s fair to the team for me to take a spot on the ice.”_

_“They’ve told you how they feel, and I’ve told you how I feel about it.  Spot is yours.”_

_“Sid told me that I made the team last year on my own merit, that you hadn’t wanted me, so if I hadn’t done well you’d have had no problem sending me down.  It would have been what was best for the team.  I should be scratched.  You know that’s what’s best for the team now.”_

_“Sid was right.”  Sullivan gave Jamie a sly smile.  “I do what’s best for the team.  But I also have this weakness for a certain player.  Exceptions for exceptional players.”_

While they hoped he would play, none of them had really expected it.  Jamie had arrived with Sid, but didn’t go through his usual pre-game routine. 

He stood around watching them stretch.  Watching them change.  Watching them play two-touch.  Finally, he had dropped his head down, looking dejected they all thought, as they watched him quietly get up and walk back into the locker room.  When they came in to put on their equipment, Jamie’s stall is empty and he isn’t there.  Heinze nods towards one of the training rooms.  None of them go to check on Jamie, though, not even Sid.

_“Sid.”  Jamie sighed.  “Yeah, I get it.  I get special treatment because I’m with Sid.”_

_“No.  You get exceptions because you are the exceptional player.”  Sullivan states.  ”Look, there is all this talk about the young talent around the league.  McDavid.  Matthews.  Eichel.  Laine.  And whoever else they throw into the conversation.  Yes, I wasn’t sure about you when you came, but then I saw you play in person.  I watched how you practiced.  Saw the raw talent that just needed to be refined a little.  You’re as good as they come, Jamie.  I give you a lot of slack because of what you have gone through, what you are going through, but if you didn’t perform at the level that I see you are capable of reaching, well, you’d be in the A.”_

_“Mike is right, Jamie.  You’re at an exceptional level with your hockey.  You have the potential to be at that truly elite level, on a level with Sid, Geno, Ovechkin.”  Rutherford added.  “We are going to do whatever it takes to keep you around to reap the benefits of that potential.”_

_Jamie looked at the two men with a look of disbelief at what they are saying, but at the same time, a bright pink floods across his cheeks in embarrassment from their praise.  God, Sully thinks as he looks back at Jamie, he really doesn’t know, or doesn’t believe how good he can be._

_"I do what is best for the team on any given night, but always with a thought about the next game, the next season, the next ten seasons.  What has been good for the Pens is having you in the line-up.  Sid’s better with you out there.  Geno is better.  They get more chances to score, everybody does. I want you out there tonight, Jamie.  I know that we have a better chance of clinching the Cup tonight with you in the line-up.”  Sullivan pauses, and Jamie looks down at the floor.  Sully doesn’t want him to feel that he’s being pushed to play, so he adds, “But the final decision is yours and we’ll support you no matter what you decide.”_

When Jamie steps onto the ice almost five minutes after the rest of the team, the crowd goes wild.  But none of the players get over excited, they keep their excitement in check until they all get back into the locker room where Jamie gets a mob hug from the team. 

Sullivan looks at his team, taking in the feel of the room before he writes some numbers on a piece of paper and hands it to Culls.

“Okay, boys,” Matt stands up and reads out the starting line-up.  “We’ve got the Squid at center.  Our man Geno.  Dales and Bang Bang Letang on D.  Flower in the net.  And… good-night Jim-Bob!”

Dumes smacks him on the back and Jamie looks at Sullivan in shock. 

“Let’s go win that Cup, boys!” Sullivan says as he turns and heads out to the bench.

\--------------------------------------------------

Jamie skates around behind the goal after the National Anthem ends. 

Flower chirps at him, “Hey lover boy, look at the sign over by the Zamboni door.  Front row even.”

Jamie glances up, scanning the area Flower pointed out.  A broad smile spreads across his lips and his eyes light up.  All it says is _Kiss the boy tonight, Sid!_ Jamie swings back around and bangs his stick on the glass before heading for the opening face-off.

Just like the Sharks last year, the Oilers aren’t quite ready to roll over and die just yet.  They come out flying, and shooting.  Five minutes into the game they’ve taken over a dozen shots and put two in the net already.  The Oilers are checking hard.  They are all over Sid and Jamie on their line.  They are on Geno and Phil.  The Pens are making bad judgement calls as they try to force the puck through the center.  Things are not looking promising for clinching the title at home. 

At the first TV timeout, Sullivan tries to get his team to settle down.  He makes a couple of line changes, putting Geno out with Sid and Jamie.  The Oilers have to start choosing which two forwards to cover.  Somebody is going to get left open eventually.

It takes time.  Be patient Sullivan says.  Let the D carry the puck in.  Watch for the opening.  Shoot.

With three minutes left in the period, they get their break.  Brian snags the puck and looks down ice.  He should just carry it forward, but he sees the opening.  Jamie is all alone cutting towards the Oilers’ blue line on the left wing.  Without thinking about it he passes, and as if by magic, the puck finally gets through, right to Jamie.  He picks up the pass and rushes in along the boards.  He t’s up and sends a shot at the net.

“What a beautiful snipe,” Doc Emrick yells as the goal horn sounds.

_End of the first period – Edmonton 2   Pittsburgh 1_

Thirty-four seconds into the second period the Pens go on the power play when Hags draws a tripping penalty which sends Maroon to the box.  Less than a minute later the Pens tie the game on a wrister from Geno.

The rest of the period is a wild affair as the two teams start trading goals.  At the end of the second, the Pens are up by one after Jamie puts another shot past Cam Talbot.

_End of the second period -  Edmonton 4   Pittsburgh 5_

Things settle down in the last period and the game becomes a grind.  Talbot and Flower make amazing save after amazing save.  With just under three minutes left, Connor McDavid gets a breakaway and beats Flower with a beautiful deke and a backhand shot.  Game tied.

Sid, Jamie, Geno, Kris and Brian all go over the boards with a minute left in the period.  It’ll be the last line change of the period.  Those five will do their best to give the Pens the win, or at least send the game into overtime by not letting the Oilers score.  The McDavid, Lucic and Eberle are out for the Oilers, along with Klefbom and Larsson.  Play goes back and forth as the clock ticks down, each team managing to move into their offensive zones. 

_Thirty seconds._

Lucic brings the puck into the Pens’ zone.  They maintain puck possession, passing around the perimeter, looking for an opening down low by the net.  Eberle slides down by the crease.  Klefbom sends a shot towards Flower who blocks it, Eberle gets the rebound and shoots.  The puck goes high.  Kris gets it and tries to clear the zone but Klefbom gets there before Jamie and keeps it in.

_Twenty seconds._

The Pens are set up defensively with Jamie and Sid closest to the blue line, Geno in the middle, and Kris and Brian playing down by the net.  Jamie tracks the puck.  McDavid to Klefbom.  Back to McDavid.  McDavid to Larsson.  Larsson to Lucic.  McDavid slides across the middle.  Lucic tries a centering pass.

Ten seconds.

Geno intercepts the pass.  Jamie bangs his stick on the ice twice and yells at Sid.

“Break! Break! Break!”

Geno passes to Jamie. Jamie slips past Larsson and out of the Pens’ zone.  Klefbom is backing down the ice, Sid is to his right, skating hard towards the Oilers’ zone.  One stride, he’s even.  Two strides, he’s past Klefbom slightly.

Nine seconds. 

Jamie carries the puck over the Oilers’ blue line a split second ahead of Sid.  It’s two on one.  Klefbom between them.  Larsson is gaining on Jamie, though.

Jamie keeps his head up, watching Talbot for an opening.  Hoping the goalie will make a move, show his hand.  Talbot holds steady.  Klefbom plays for the pass, sliding down on the ice to keep Jamie from being able to pass.

Jamie pulls his stick back, hesitates just for a second and then swings.  The puck chips over Klefbom and hits Sid’s stick.

Eight seconds.


	50. Have I Shown You This Picture?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie is sitting at a table in the room where the after-show party is being held.  His head is down, staring at his phone, looking at pictures from the Cup celebration.  He stops when he gets to one in particular, letting his finger linger on the screen.  He smiles.  It’s the photo he has shown everyone the point that they are sick of seeing it.  He can’t quit looking at it though.

“You could've had a hattie.  In the Cup finals.  The fucking game winning goal, too.”

Jamie looks up from his phone and rolls his eyes, “I told you, Cam had me.  I wouldn’t have gotten the puck past him.  He didn’t think we had a pass option, thought I had to take the shot.  Besides, I didn’t need to get a hattie.  We got the Cup.  Eyes on the big prize, Davo.”

“Rub it in.”  Connor says with disdain.

“Okay.  Hey, did I mention I have two Stanley Cups?  Hhhhmmm?”  Jamie grins.

They are relaxing in the warm Nevada sun, stretched out on a couple of lounge chairs next to the pool at the hotel where they are both staying in Las Vegas.   Jamie is flipping through photos on his phone.  Some he took the night they won the Cup.  Some he snagged off other sites.  He gets to the one that is his favorite from this year.

“Hey, have I shown you this picture?”  Jamie leans forward and turns his phone towards Connor.

“Gawd.  Only a fucking hundred times.  Jesus.  And before you say it, yes, I know they used it on the cover of Sports Illustrated.”  Connor lamented.

_Eight seconds._

_Jamie’s pass hits Sid’s stick.  Talbot tries to push himself to his left, but he’d been caught flat, wholly expecting Jamie to have to take the shot.  Sid snaps his wrists.  The puck lifts off the ice, rising on its way to the net, skimming over Talbot’s outstretched pad.  The horn blasts as it hits the back of the net._

_“Fuck yeah!” Jamie hollers as he hits the glass behind the goal.  Sid is in his arms in an instant yelling something that Jamie can’t hear over the roar of the crowd.  Geno, Kris and Brian crash into them, yelling and screaming.  They break apart and skate to the bench, which is going crazy._

Austin Matthews comes over, precariously balancing three glasses in his hands.  Mitch Marner trails behind him carrying just his own drink.  Austin hands Connor and Jamie their drinks, spilling a little of Connor’s on him. 

“What the hell, Marns.  You couldn’t be troubled to help him?”  Connor snaps.

“He lost the bet.”  Mitchell settles onto the chair next to Connor.  Austin sits down on the chair on the other side of Jamie.

“I’m afraid to ask, but what bet?”  Connor raises an eyebrow.

“About what Jamie would do first when we met him down here.  Show us a picture of the Cup or that picture of him and Sid.”  Mitch answers. 

“I said Cup.” Austin shrugs.

“Hey, speaking of, you boys see this picture?”  Jamie sits up and flashes his phone at them again.

“Yes!” they all respond together.

_Sid goes to center ice to take the face-off.  You can’t hear yourself think the crowd is so loud.  Jamie takes his spot on the left side, Geno on the right.  Brian and Kris set up in the Pens’ zone.  The Oilers on the ice look dejected.  Eight seconds.  It’s not an impossibility for them to score, but they know.  It would take a miracle._

_The guys on the bench are bouncing up and down, waiting to come over the boards to celebrate. The crowd is still yelling.  Jamie can hear the ‘We Won the Cup’ chant start up.  The official drops the puck and Sid wins the draw, kicking the puck back to Kris._

_The Oilers’ forwards skate in to try and apply pressure.  Kris dumps a quick pass to Geno._

_Seven seconds._

_Geno crosses the center line, making sure there won’t be an icing call when he slaps the puck deep into the Oilers’ zone._

_Six seconds._

_Jamie chases the puck in, applying pressure on Larsson.  Trying to will the clock down._

_Five seconds._

_Four seconds._

Jamie hears a familiar squeal and looks over to see Alex Letang barreling at him.

“Uncle Jamie!  Uncle Jamie!” he yells as he throws himself at Jamie, barely giving Jamie time to set his phone down before Alex has his arms wrapped around Jamie’s neck. 

“Sorry,” Catherine says.  “He couldn’t wait for his Papa.  He wants to go swimming.”

“No problem.  Alex this is Davo, and Marns, and Austin.”  Jamie introduces the little man to the others. 

Alex gives a bashful hello to each of them and eyes up Austin.  He’s been around hockey players his whole life and is old enough now to know things.  “Don’t you have a nickname?” He asks in English. 

He’s gotten better at talking to Jamie in English over the last year.  Jamie probably would have understood Alex’ Québécois, but Alex has also learned that others may not.  So if Jamie talks to him in English around people, Alex answers in English.  If Jamie tries Québécois, Alex giggles and usually tries to answer in English anyway.  It’s Catherine’s doing, wanting her son to be bilingual.

“Um, yeah, it’s Matts.”  Austin gives Jamie a glare, Jamie won’t call him anything but Austin.

Alex just shrugs and wiggles out of Jamie's lap, grabbing his arm.  “Come in the pool with me.  Please, Uncle Jamie.”

Jamie gets up, sweeps Alex into his arms, runs over and leaps into the pool.

_Sid and Geno are pressuring at the blue line.  The Oilers know they are out of time.  Eberle slaps the puck hard towards the Pens’ zone._

_Three seconds._

_Jamie retreats towards his own zone after the puck.  Purely precautionary.  Brian has it already and is slapping it out towards center ice again._

_Two seconds._

_Jamie looks across the ice at Sid, both grinning stupidly at each other._

_One second._

_Jamie throws his gloves and stick in the air as the horn sounds.  The arena erupts.  Jamie didn’t think it could get louder but it has, his teammates flooding onto the ice._

_They are all headed towards Flower.  Hugging and screaming at each other as equipment is tossed._

“What are they doing to my child,” Kris questions his wife as he leans down to give her a quick peck on the lips.  He turns to Sid, “Your child is trying to drown mine.”

“Stop it,” Catherine admonishes.  “Little man is having fun.”

The four hockey players have made a square and are taking turns tossing Alex between them.  At the moment, Jamie is hauling him up out of the water and with a smooth move, tosses him so that Alex splashes into the water in front of Mitch.  Mitch grabs him as he surfaces, Alex belly laughing and yelling for more.  Mitch tosses him to Austin, who then tosses him to Connor.  Alex is having a blast.

Kris and Sid throw their towels down on a couple of chairs and go over to join in on the fun.  When Alex sees his Papa he starts rambling in a flood of French.  Jamie had been about to toss him, so instead of sending him to Mitch he sends him to Kris.

Sid hops in and makes his way through the water over to Jamie.  When he gets there, he plants a big kiss on Jamie.

“God, really?  Can’t you two keep your hands off each other for five minutes?”  Connor kids them.

“Nope,” Jamie giggles.  “Hey, have I shown you this really great picture we have from the night we won the Cup?”  The other three kids make a beeline for Jamie at that point, jumping on him.

_They go through the handshake line.  Sid leading the way, Jamie hanging near the back of the line.  When he meets Connor, the Oilers’ Captain looks completely defeated.  Jamie pulls him into a hug._

_“You got them to the final in your second year,” He says.  “You’ll have a Cup soon.”_

_“You’ve got two,”  Connor says stoically and continues down the line._

Jamie sits next to Sid, Kris and Catherine at the awards show later that evening, nervous and fidgeting in his seat.  There are way too many people here, and way too much media focus on him.  He and Sid are nominated for a couple of other awards, in addition to getting the Art Ross and Richard awards.  Kris is up for the Norris.

“It’ll be the McJesus show,” Jamie leans over and whispers to Sid. 

“It’ll be the Marsh show,” Sid counters.  “You’re going to win the Hart.”

Jamie shrugs, “Doubt it.  I hope Kris wins, though.”

“What about me?  You don’t want me to win?”  Sid smirks.

“You’ll win, too.”  Jamie rubs his hands nervously up and down his thighs.  “You and Davo.”

“Wanna bet on it?”  Sid raises his eyebrows and gives Jamie a rather suggestive look.

Jamie doesn’t have to give it much thought, “What’s the bet?”

“Winner gets to do whatever they want.”

“Hhhhhmmmm…. whatever?”  Jamie questions.

“Whatever.”

_Jamie finishes out the handshake line and scans the ice for Sid.  Sid is over giving a quick interview to NBC.  Jamie starts that way, but is intercepted by Brian, Tommy and Conor who throw themselves at Jamie, wrapping him up in a big hug._

_“MVP!” Conor is shouting._

_“Sauced that puck to Sid like a god, baby!”  Brian yells.  “Talbot didn’t stand a chance.”_

_“I about fucking lost it, Kelfbom was in shock you put it over him!”  Tommy adds._

They sit through the bad jokes, the videos, the okay musical entertainment.  They are awarded the scoring title and goal title trophies without having to give speeches, as they are ‘off-camera’ awards.  That’s not such a bad thing, Jamie thinks. 

One of the better things about the night has been getting to see the celebrities who have been presenting the awards.  It might make it bearable to win if he gets to stand next to someone famous, he thinks.  Truth is, though, he’s dreading the thought of winning and having to get up on stage and speak.  As if reading Jamie’s thoughts, Sid reaches over and takes his hand, lacing their fingers together.

“You okay?”  he whispers.

“Nerves.”  Jamie looks down at their hands and gives a slight squeeze. “A lot of people.”

“Just focus on me,” Sid leans his shoulder against Jamie’s.

The first on-air award of the night is the Calder, given to the best rookie.  Marner and Matthews are nominated, along with Patrick Laine.  Jamie’s pretty sure Matthews will win, but thinks Marner had the better season.  Media hype is hard to overcome, though, and Matthews has been the media darling all season.

“Matthews.” He says to Sid.

“Marner.”  Sid says.

The award goes to Mitch Marner.  Jamie is completely surprised.  Sid just smiles and says, “I’m always right.  You shouldn’t have bet against me.”

“We’ll see.”

“I’m starting to make plans in my head for what I’m going to do to you already.”  Sid says, watching Jamie turn red.  That ought to take his mind off being nervous, Sid thinks.

Jamie is the first of the Hart nominees interviewed.  Well, not interviewed.  They show a highlight reel of his season, and then just like last year, when the host gets around to asking him a question they are ‘out of time’.  Jamie is relieved that they did the same stunt.  When he sits back down he’s shaking.

Sid presses his knee to Jamie’s.  “Focus on me.  Breathe.  Deep in.  Out slow.”

Jamie’s nerves settle a little.

Next up is the Ted Lindsay Award for the most outstanding player as voted on by the players.  This one may mean more than the Hart, actually.  This is your peers saying you were the best.  Jamie is nominated, along with McDavid and Carey Price. 

“Price.” Jamie tells Sid.

“You.”  Sid tells Jamie.

“And the winner is,” Elisha Cuthbert, actress and the wife of Ottawa defenseman Dion Phaneuf pauses as she opens the envelope, a broad smile forming on her face, “and if I wasn’t married to Dion, I’d give Sidney Crosby a run for his money with this one… Jamie Marsh.”

Jamie sits stunned silence as Sid, Catherine and Kris all jump up, applauding.  Sid has to nudge him to get him up.  He gives the other three a hug and walks to the stage to accept his award.  When he gets there, he gets an exuberant hug from Cuthbert, then turns to look out at the audience.  He’s shocked.  All of the players in the audience have started standing up as they applaud.

“Wow.” Jamie says, he keeps looking down, as the applause dies off.  “I’m… wow.  I really didn’t expect this.  I just…  thank you.”

He looks up again, overwhelmed.  He finds Sid, and Sid sees the panic on Jamie’s face.

“Breathe.”  Sid mouths at him.

“I, uh, I really don’t know what to say.  Thank you.”  Jamie stammers.  He knows he should say more, should thank people, but all he wants to do is get off the stage.  “Uh… thank you.”  He turns and lets Cuthbert lead him backstage for the obligatory photos.  A few minutes later he is seated next to Sid again, looking even more nervous than before.

“We can go.  It’ll be okay.”  Sid is turned in his seat so he is facing Jamie, his arm on Jamie’s shoulder.

Jamie just shakes his head no.  “I’m trying.  We… I’m okay.”

They do McDavid’s interview and highlight reel to start the next segment, which gives Sid a chance to keep calming Jamie down.

_“I need to find Sid.” Jamie finally says pulling away.  They’d hugged, and been part of the pile that formed on top of Flower, but Jamie hadn’t really gotten to celebrate with Sid.  He’d kept getting pulled into hugs by the other guys._

_He started to skate towards Sid again when Tanger and Flower bowl into him._

_“What a pass, Grasshopper!”  Flower threw his arms around Jamie, planting a big, wet kiss on his cheek.  “Fucking beautiful!”_

_“Yeah, baby!” Tanger drapes his arms over both of them and kisses Jamie’s other cheek._

_“Thanks.  Look, I need to go see Sid, okay.”_

_Flower and Tanger don’t let go, but just keep chatting at Jamie.  A thought crosses his mind.  For as eager as they were for him to kiss Sid last year, it’s almost as if they are purposely keeping him from Sid this year._

Jamie manages to pay attention to the next award presentations.  They are disappointed Jim doesn’t win General Manager of the Year again, the award going to Peter Chiarelli of the Oilers instead.  Then they get to cheer as Sully wins the Jack Adams award as Coach of the Year.  They also join Jim and Sully on stage for the recognition of the Pens’ Stanley Cup win.  Jamie stands between Sid and Kris.  Sid keeps his hand on the small of Jamie’s back, while Kris lets his shoulder touch Jamie’s to help keep him focused. 

Sid is nominated for the Mark Messier leadership award, but loses to Jamie Benn.  Jamie and Sid both think Chubbs deserved the award more.  The Stars struggled through the second half of the season, but Benn had kept them going and been a factor in the points title race.  Jamie hadn’t heard many interviews where Benn didn’t praise his teammates instead of talking about himself when asked about some great play he made.  So, they weren’t too upset Sid didn’t win.

Jamie half-heartedly watches as some other trophies are handed out.  He’s trying to just focus on Sid again as he feels his nervousness rising as they wait for the Norris trophy announcement.  When it comes, he and Sid stand up to hug Kris as he finally wins his first Norris.  Jamie grins like an idiot the whole time Kris is giving his acceptance speech.

When he comes back to his seat, Kris leans down and tells Jamie that’s how it’s done.  Which makes Sid and Catherine laugh.  They come over and do Sid’s interview as a Hart finalist at that point before going to a commercial break.

During the break, Price, Benn and Seguin come over to check on Jamie, having noticed how nervous he was on stage.  They tease Jamie about it, which actually sort of helps to take his mind off things for a minute. They make arrangements to all meet up at the after party. 

Anze Kopitar wins the Lady Byng Trophy sportsmanship trophy.  Sid kids Kris, telling him that they don’t have to worry about Kris ever even getting nominated for that trophy.  Carey Price wins the Vezina, as expected.   Then it is time for the final award of the night, the Hart for most valuable player.

The presenter is Joe Manganiello, is a Pittsburgh area native and Pens fan, just like Michael Keaton who had presented the award last year.  Just like Keaton, Manganiello opens his remarks with comments about the Pens’ Cup win.  Then he smiles, looking directly out at Sid and Jamie.

“And I agree with Elisha.  If I wasn’t happily married to Sofia, I’d be all over that too, Sidney.” 

Jamie turns twenty shades of red as Sid and the entire audience break into laughter and applause. 

“Okay.  We’ve got better odds this year of winning this, no offense Connor.  But hey, I know you’re a Pens fan, too, so we’re cool with that right?”  That brings another round of laughter from the audience.

“Here we go,” Sid leans over and whispers to Jamie.  “Just don’t throw up on Joe when you get up there, okay.”

The video reviews of the nominees ends and Manganiello opens the envelope.  He pauses for a minute, then pumps his fist in the air.

“Jamie Marsh!”  He exclaims, unable to contain his excitement.

Again Sid, Catherine and Kris jump up, kissing and hugging Jamie.  Jamie starts to walk to the stage and stops.  He turns and takes Sid’s hand and pulls until Sid understands and walks with Jamie up to the stage.

He stands nervously in front of the microphone, one hand holding the trophy, the other tightly holding Sid’s hand.

“Um, okay.  Um… wow… again.  I’m going to try and get this right this time, but um, all of this,” he motions around the room with the hand holding the trophy, “has been a lot for me tonight, so if you can kind of bear with me.  You’ll notice I brought my security blanket with me,” he lifts Sid’s hand, that brings chuckles from everyone.  “I can’t thank everyone enough for this.  It was an honor to be nominated alongside great players like Sidney and Connor.  And to be voted for this award and the Lindsey, by players and writers, is pretty humbling.  I want to thank the Pens, of course, I couldn’t play for a better, more supportive organization.  They have really done more than could ever be expected for me this year.  My teammates.  I, like Tanger, definitely feel that you can’t win these awards by yourself.  It takes a team and great teammates.  They are my family and without them, I know I’m not standing up here.”  He takes a few breathes.  “There are some people who I wish could have been here tonight, my mom and dad, Bill and Jean Marsh.  I love you both and I miss you so much.  Thank you for everything.  And my best friend growing up.  I miss you, Kicks.  I wish you were here.  And finally,”  He looks at Sid.  “I have to thank Sidney.  Without his support and love, I know I’d have not had the year I had.  I love you.”

Jamie leans over and gives Sid a quick kiss before saying thank you again.  The audience stands and applauds them as they walk off the stage.

_“What are you two up to this time?”  Jamie says accusingly._

_“Nothing.”  Flower says, but he just can’t come across as innocent no matter how hard he tries.  “He just asked us to detain you for a minute.  Said he had to run into the locker room and get something.”_

_Jamie looks towards the bench and sees Sid stepping back onto the ice.  He nods at Jamie when he sees him looking.  Kris and Tanger step away, leaving Jamie standing by himself at center ice.  When the crowd sees Sid headed towards Jamie, the chant of ‘Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!’ starts._

_Sid picks up speed as he gets closer and mouths ‘catch me’ barely giving Jamie time to prepare as he jumps up into Jamie’s arms.  Sid wraps his legs around Jamie’s waist and his arms around Jamie’s neck. Jamie hooks his arms under Sid’s thighs to hold him up._

_“Fuck, you asshole!” he huffs.  “Your ass is heavy!”_

_Sid doesn’t say anything, just plants his lips on Jamie’s.  Jamie thinks it’s going to be just a quick, closed mouth kiss.  But Sid parts his lips and lets his tongue press against Jamie’s lips until he responds.  This kiss is different than last year, there is no hesitation.  It is soft and warm, yet excited and fervent at the same time.   The Pittsburgh crowd roars their approval.  When they finally break apart, Sid slides out of the embrace to stand in front of Jamie.  He takes Jamie’s right hand and hold it up._

_“Can’t celebrate without this on,” he says, slipping Jamie’s ring on to his finger._

_Jamie grins and pulls Sid into another hug and kiss, before they just stand there, forehead to forehead, staring into each other’s eyes._

_“Don’t ever want to be here without you.”  Sid smiles._

_“Hey, I know you two don’t care, but we’d all like to get our hands on that gorgeous piece of hardware,” Kuni shouts, coming up to them._

_“Yes, time to kiss cup, not boyfriend.”  Geno admonishes, slapping Sid on the back._

_Everyone gathers at center ice as the Conn Smythe and Stanley Cup are placed on a table on the ice.  Jamie wins the MVP.  He can’t believe it and doesn’t look happy as he accepts it then skates it over to the bench.  When he comes back, he slides up next to Flower who puts his arm around Jamie, reading the teenager’s expression._

_“You deserved it.  Don’t look like that.”_

_“I didn’t.  You had a better play-off run.  So did G, or even Tanger.”_

_“It’s not always about stats.  The media saw it, they saw you struggling and yet keep playing.  They heard us talking about it.  They know what that meant to us, to have you on the ice.  You inspired us all to play our best.  That’s what an MVP does.”_

Jamie is sitting at a table in the room where the after-show party is being held.  His head is down, staring at his phone, looking at pictures from the Cup celebration.  He stops when he gets to one in particular, letting his finger linger on the screen.  He smiles.  It’s the photo he has shown everyone the point that they are sick of seeing it.  He can’t quit looking at it though.

It is the moment Sid jumped into his arms. 


	51. Two Steps Forward... No Steps Back...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unlike the year before at the private party at the lake house, anytime Sid was next to Jamie, he was holding his hand, or standing with his arm around Jamie’s waist, holding Jamie snug to his side.  It was a complete turnaround from the year before when Jamie had thought Sid really didn’t want to be open in public, or that Sid maybe didn’t even want to be with him at all.  Jamie quietly thought that Sid was maybe overcompensating for how he acted the year before, but what the hell, he’d take it.

Aside from the awards, the big news out of Las Vegas was the expansion draft for the Golden Knights.  Jamie was sweating it out, not because he was in danger of being drafted, but because Flower was.  He’d agreed that he would wave his no trade option so that the Pens could protect Muzz.  No one was happy about it, especially after Flower had won them the cup this year.  But Flower had said to Jamie not to worry, it would be okay, and that it was the right thing to do.

He thought about who the Pens had protected and who was on the list of available players.  Flower was an obvious choice for a new team.  A veteran goalie with three Cups who still had good years left playing, who would be a valuable mentor to young goalies they might pick-up, had to be tempting.  But then again, so would any of the forwards or defensemen that were exposed.

So Jamie watches and waits for the bad to happen.

What does happen is a complete shock.  Given that all of them love playing for the Pens.  Given that he didn’t think anyone would actually want to leave.  But, as Sid tells him, money talks.

During the 72-hour period prior to the expansion draft, the Golden Knights had exclusive rights to negotiate with any unrestricted free agents, who normally wouldn’t be eligible to negotiate or sign with new teams until after July 1st.  The Pens have several players that fall into that category. 

Just prior to the draft, Jamie and Sid’s phones chime with a group text message.

Dales:  _Signed with Vegas.  $4.2 a year for three years.  Couldn’t pass up that kind of offer.  Love the Pens and so thankful for the opportunity they gave me.  Couldn’t have asked for a better group of guys to win 2 cups with… will miss you all._

Jamie is stunned.  “Are you kidding me?  Dales?”

Sid sends back a congratulations message from them both.

“Well?”  Jamie questions, “Aren’t you going to say anything?  You have to be as shocked as I am.”

“I knew it was going to happen, or at least I thought it was.  If Dales could get them to make the offer.”

“You knew?  Dales went to them?  Is that what you’re saying?”  Jamie can’t fathom the thought.

“Yes.”

“Why?” 

“Because if Vegas signs a UFA from us, that counts as their draft pick.”

Jamie scrunches his forehead, still not understanding.  He’d been sure that the Pens would make Dales a good offer and keep him.

“Jamie, think.  Who’s on the list of exposed players?”  Sid says.

Jamie pauses.  There are a few of the younger guys that he’d worried about in addition to Flower.  Tommy.  Rusty. Willy.  But also, Ian and Justin.

“He’d do that?” It was rhetorical.  Dales had done it, he was sure, to protect the younger guys, and Flower, from getting drafted away from the Pens.  It was actually such a Trevor thing to do, he thought.  Dales was always looking out for everyone else.

“We talked last week.  He’d love to stay, but he really knew the Pens wouldn’t be able to offer him a lot.  He’d have taken less if circumstances were different.  He knows that Tommy and Rusty have especially been nervous about the thought of getting picked by Vegas.  And with Coler and Schultzy playing so well, he felt they should stay in Pittsburgh.  And then there’s Flower.  He knows how much it would mean for him to stay here.  And Flower has said he’d take a home town discount to close out his career here.  So Trevor said it was all for the best.  He’s got a chance to be the veteran anchor on a young team.  I think he’s looking forward to it.”

“I’m… wow… I don’t know what to say.  I’m dumb-founded.  But… somehow happy, too.”  Jamie typed out a text to congratulate Dales.  “I really couldn’t think about losing anyone, but I guess that somehow this is the best-case scenario, if it’s what Dales wanted and he’s okay with it.”

“4.2, he said he was really happy.” 

The next text Jamie typed out was to Flower, all he typed were happy face emojis.

\--------------------------------------------------------

The day after the awards show and expansion draft, Sid and Jamie boarded a team charter with the others to fly back to Pittsburgh.  Jamie and Alex played their ‘what’s this’ game where Alex named something in French-Canadian and Jamie gave him the answer in English and then Jamie would name something in French-Canadian and Alex would tell him the English word.  About an hour into the flight, they were both asleep, Jamie leaning against the window and Alex curled in his lap.

Sid sat with Jim, as his wife and son were also napping. 

“So, hockey school coming up.  Full camp again this year?”  Rutherford asked.

“Yeah.  You know, I’m really looking forward to it this year.  I like doing it a lot.” 

“You’ve got some good players helping out.”

Sid glanced up the aisle to where Jamie was sleeping.  “Yep.”

“So what are your other plans, probably a lot left to do for the wedding?  You getting everything you need from our people?”

“Mom says everyone has been great.  Actually, Jamie and I are going to take a week after hockey school and go to his cabin in Alberta.  It’s on a lake about two hours north of Edmonton.  Just us.”

“How’s he doing?  Really.”  Rutherford questions, true concern evident.

“Better most days.  I think the meds are helping.  I know he called Janet and Stone everyday while we were out here.”

“That’s a good thing.  She was a good addition to our medical team.  I know several of the guys have actually spent time talking to her.”

“I did.  It helped me understand a lot better what Jamie is dealing with.”  Sid paused, “He’s been through a lot in his life.”

“He has.  But I think he’s found a home again, with you, and with the Pens.”

\---------------------------------------------

They pack up the Ford for the drive to Cole Harbour, Jamie opting to take it up there and then leave it when they came back to Pittsburgh in late July.  Sid had agreed to driving with him because he said Kris had clued him in on the secret to traveling by car with Jamie.  Let Jamie drive, that way he couldn’t fidget in his seat the whole time.  Jamie had huffed and said he wasn’t that bad to ride with.

Sid noticed that Jamie didn’t bring his guitar.  It dawned on him that he hadn’t seen Jamie playing in months actually, the guitar sitting untouched behind a chair in the living room.  Since… the road trip to western Canada, Sid realized. Whatever happened there was apparently still bothering Jamie.  He’d said he was talking to Janet about it now that the season was over, so whatever the reason, Sid wouldn’t push, much as he enjoyed having the house filled with the music.

Jamie meets with Janet and Stone early on the morning they are to leave for Canada.  Sid can’t help but notice he’s quiet for the first part of the ride, deep in thought.  Sid tries to make idle conversation, talking about hockey school, but Jamie just gives him one word answers, a sure sign something is bothering him.  About an hour into the ride they pass a sign for a McDonald’s at the next exit.

“Hey, want a milkshake?” Sid asks.  “The orange ones are out again.”

Normally the mention of food, especially a milkshake, would get an eager response.  Sid gets nothing.

“Jame?”

“Huh?”  Jamie jerks his head, as if Sid startled him.

“Want to take a detour and get a milkshake?”

“Uh, yeah, okay.  This exit?”

“Yeah.”

They get off and get their shakes.  Jamie also gets a bacon egg and cheese biscuit and Sid breaks down and gets some hashbrowns. 

“So, what’s going on?”  Sid finally asks a short time later.  “Things go okay with Stone this morning?”

“I’ve been having trouble sleeping.”

“I know.  You’ve been getting up a lot in the middle of the night.”

“Sorry, I try not to wake you.”

“It’s okay.  Anyway, you told them?  What did they say?”

“Well, he gave me a lower dose of the Diazepam to take before bed, since I seem to tolerate it okay.  Just something to help me sleep he said.  And it’s for just seven pills at a time, I have to call him each  week before I get it refilled to let him know how I’m doing with it.”

“He is keeping a close watch on you, isn’t he.”

“Yeah.  Anyway.  I’m not sure about taking it.  And, the other med.  I don’t like it.”

“But it’s helping.  Right?”

“I guess.  I feel… I don’t know.  Just weird.”

“Bad weird?”  Sid had thought everything was okay with the anti-depressant.

“No.  Not bad.  Just… weird.”  Jamie sighs.  “And don’t worry, I’ve talked to both of them about it.”

“You’re still taking it, though, right?  Or did they give you something different?”

“No.  I’m still taking it.”  Jamie kind of half smiled and reached over to take Sid’s hand.  “And it’s fine, nothing like last year, okay.”

\---------------------------------------------

“Thank you again for letting us stay with you for the week,” Marcus Strahn says for the fifth or sixth time since Jamie picked the three of them up at the airport. 

“Glad to,” Jamie answers, again.  “Really happy that Jessica could come again this year.”

“Thank you again for paying for her registration.  With Jared going to college this year, we weren’t sure we’d be able to come.” 

They are sitting on the back patio at the lake house, the two younger Strahns were down at the dock checking out the lake.

“About that,” Jamie offered, “when you get back to Edmonton my attorney’s going to be in touch with you.”

Marcus gives Jamie a strange look.  “Attorney?”

“Nothing bad.  I got a settlement from my parents’ accident, a pretty large settlement and I want to do some things with it.  And, well, I had him set up a trust for Jared and Jessica, to pay for college or whatever they decide to do.  It’ll pay all tuition and expenses.”

“You can’t be serious.”  The older man looks stunned.  “That’s, wow, that’s way too much.”

“I don’t want the money.  It’s… well… it should go for something good.  Call it the Bill and Jean Marsh Scholarship Fund if you want.”

“Thank you.  Wow.  He’ll be so excited.  He’s really looking forward to going, you know.”

“Yep.  It’s all he’s talked about for a while now.” 

\------------------------------------------------------

On Monday they all drive to hockey school together.  Taylor is waiting for them, taking Jessica to get signed in.  Jared starts to walk with his dad to find seats in the bleachers.

“Where’re you going?”  Jamie asks, confusing Jared.

“What?”

“Coaches’ locker room is this way.  You need to get changed.”

“Coaches what?”  Jared looks back and forth between his dad and Jamie.  “Are you kidding?”

“Nope.  Unless you don’t want to help out on the ice this year.”  Sid kids him.  “I think we could find someone else who’d like to help if he’s not interested, don’t you Jamie?”

“I think so.”  Jamie turns and follows Sid towards the locker rooms.

Marcus slaps his son on the back, “Go have a good time.”

Jared jogs to catch up, then falls in step with the two pro-players, looking like he’d just won the lottery.

Waiting for him in the locker room is a set of official instructor warm-up sweats and other items, as well as a brand new pair of CCM skates. 

“Holy shit.” He says, picking them up and looking them over closely.  “These are top of the line.”

“Yep.  I wear them.  I got your size from your dad.  Hope they fit.  If not, I got a size bigger just in case.”  Jamie smiles. 

“Gonna be a pro coach, you got to look like a pro coach.”  Nate calls from across the room, striding over to give Jamie a hug.  “You have to be Jared.”  He reaches out to shake hands.  “Have heard a lot about you.”

“Jared, this is…”

“Nate McKinnon.  Wow.  Nice to meet you.”  Jared looks a little star struck.  Jamie knows that feeling, still getting butterflies when he met some players.

Jared beamed all week as he helped out on the ice, getting to teach skills to forwards.  Every day, Jamie would spend time on the ice working one-on-one with Jared, too, while the others work in a classroom or work on off-ice skills.  They worked on face-offs, Jared killed him.  They worked on puck handling, rebound shots, and one timers.  Jamie was impressed with Jared’s skill level, any team would be lucky to get him someday. 

The highlight of the week was on Friday when Sid and Jamie showed up with the Stanley Cup, and of course everyone got to get their picture taken with it.  The kids also had a good time trying on Sid and Jamie’s championship rings. 

\------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie couldn’t help but think how different this year was from last summer.  Sid had been much more attentive all week during camp.  Jamie was included in all the workouts with Andy and Nate.  Then on Saturday during the cup parade, Sid had held Jamie’s hand any time one of them wasn’t hoisting the cup for the crowd. 

Saturday night, the boys hosted a party for everyone involved with the camp and Sid’s friends from Cole Harbour.  As was usually the case, Sid rented a boat and had the event catered this year.  The party was awesome as far as Jamie was concerned.  He was just so happy to be getting to celebrate winning the cup with Sid this year.  Sid mingled with the guests, always the gracious host, spending time talking to everyone.  But, he always managed to not be far from Jamie.

Unlike the year before at the private party at the lake house, anytime Sid was next to Jamie, he was holding his hand, or standing with his arm around Jamie’s waist, holding Jamie snug to his side.  It was a complete turnaround from the year before when Jamie had thought Sid really didn’t want to be open in public, or that Sid maybe didn’t even want to be with him at all.  Jamie quietly thought that Sid was maybe overcompensating for how he acted the year before, but what the hell, he’d take it.

Late into the party, Jamie was sitting a little way off from the party when Jared came over and sat down next to him.

“So, you ready for UND?”  Jamie asked.

“Yeah.  A little nervous, but ready.”  Jared was all smiles.  “Thank you.  Dad told me what you’re doing.  Wow, I can’t even imagine someone doing that.”

“Just do well, okay.  Play for them for a few years, get a good education, then get drafted.”

“Drafted?  I don’t think that’ll ever happen.”  Jared ducked his head down.

“Never know.  You’re good.  You work hard you only get better.  Besides, not getting drafted doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll never be in the league.  Look at Kunitz and Sheary, both went undrafted.  Chris has four cups.  Not too shabby.”

“Maybe.  But ya know, with looking at college, I’ve sort of thought about maybe life without hockey at times.  I mean, I’m planning on playing at North Dakota, but if I don’t play anything more than rec leagues after that, it’d be okay.”

Jamie was puzzled, not sure where this was coming from.  Jared had talked to him more than once about wanting to get to the NHL.

“I mean, as long as you are happy.  And well, if you get to be with someone who makes you happy.  That’s what’s important.”

“That’s pretty deep for someone your age.”  Jamie said.

“My age, you aren’t that much older than me.  But it’s true, isn’t it.”

Jamie scanned the crowd for Sid, smiling when he caught his eye and Sid winked at him.  “Yeah it’s true.  But don’t you want to play in the NHL someday?  Or… are you still getting hassled about being gay?  ‘Cause you know if you are, you just tell them that three-time Stanley Cup champion Sidney Fucking Crosby and his soon to be husband, two-time Stanley Cup champion Jamie Fucking Marsh, will come kick their asses all over the ice.”

Jared laughed at that.  “Okay.  But no, I’m not getting harassed too bad anymore.”

“So, you said something about being with someone who makes you happy?  You got your eye on some stud?  Hhhhmmm?  Inquiring minds want to know.”

“Well,” Jared looked a bit sheepish, dipping his head and staring at the floor.

“You do!  Spill buddy.”  Jamie poked him on the shoulder.

“Well, he’s not a stud.  More of a bookworm.”  Jamie heard the excitement in Jared’s voice as he started to tell Jamie about the person he liked.  “I met him last November when I toured the campus.  He was our tour guide.”

“Yeah?  That’s cool.  So, an older guy, huh.  They are the best.”  Jamie kidded.

“He was a freshman.  Really nice.  He gave me his number and we’re friends on Instagram and Snapchat and stuff.  We’ve been doing the facetime thing a lot.  He said the first thing he wants to do is take me on a real date when we get to UND this fall.”

“That’s great.  So, he’s okay with being out and everything then?”

“Yeah.  He is.” There’s a hint of uncertainty in Jared’s response.

“And you?  You’re okay with it?”

“I guess.” He says, a little subdued from what he’d been at first. 

“Okay.  Talk to me.  What’s the problem, cause I can hear it.”

“I’ve never… I mean… I’ve never dated anyone, I’ve never even fooled around with anyone.  I’ve always been afraid to, you know.  Before last year, before you and Sid, I was afraid to let anyone know I liked guys, cause when some of my friends thought I did they were pretty brutal about it.  So, I lied a lot and just never let myself hook up with anybody.  Now.  I mean, I’ll be away from all that.  Kind of a clean slate where I won’t know anybody and I can be who I am.  I want to go out with him, I really like him.  But what if…”

“What if your teammates are homophobic assholes?”

“Yeah.  I guess that’s why I started thinking about not playing hockey.”

“Well, at the wedding I’ll introduce you to a couple of guys who played for UND and I’ll bet they’d come set the team straight, or at least have a chat with the coach to watch out for you.  I’d guess they still have some ties to the university.”

“Are you kidding?  I mean, you are talking about Toews and Oshie, right?”

“Yep.  Or again, you could tell them that three-time…”

“Yeah, yeah, three-time Stanley Cup champion, two-time blah blah blah… “

“Are you making fun of me?”  Jamie snickered. 

“Who, me?  Never.”  Jared teased back.

“Right.  Anyway, about the dating thing.  Relax.  Go out with him.  See where it goes.  It’s fine to take your time and not just jump him the minute you’re alone.  But, I’m gonna tell you… sex is awesome.”

Jared blushed and snorted out a guffaw. “So I’ve heard.”

“Wait?  Have you two been doing the phone sex thing?  You sexting him?”

“Sort of,” Jared grins.  “Just talk, no pictures or anything.”

“Well, then.  I highly suggest jumping him the minute you get him alone.  Put those words into action.”  Jamie joked.

“Oh god!  I’m starting to regret telling you.”

“No you’re not.”  Jamie figured he should change the subject though.  “So, if you don’t play hockey, what’s the plan?  What are you going to major in?”

“I was thinking about law.  I’d like to work for LGBTQ rights, maybe work for You Can Play someday.  I don’t know.”

“Law, huh.  Sounds like a solid plan.  Money well spent.  Never know when I’ll need a good lawyer someday.”

They spend some more time talking about Jared’s future plans before Sid finally comes over and drags Jamie back to the party.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday morning, the Strahns fly back to Edmonton with Jamie and Sid on a private charter.  The two having discovered that it is just easier for them to fly privately than deal with the attention they drew the one time they tried flying somewhere on a commercial flight.  They could relax and take more luggage and items with them on the charter, too. 

Jamie insisted that they take the money from his account this time, given that Sid had never let him pay rent, help with utilities or pay for much of anything else since they’d met.  It had led to a discussion, well a lecture from Jamie to Sid, about part of what Jamie felt sometimes around the team or with how people saw his relationship with Sid. 

“I’m your boy toy.”  He had said bluntly at one point.  “That’s how it makes me feel sometimes.  What people think, or say.  I know you don’t think about it that way.  But I can’t help it.”

Sid thought about it for a while after their chat and eventually told Jamie that while he didn’t understand it, he could see Jamie’s point of view.  What he didn’t tell Jamie was how happy he was that Jamie actually talked to him about it.  That they actually sat down and talked about something that was bothering Jamie.

And, they’d worked it out.  It was something that had only really happened a few times over their relationship, and not really since Sid’s jealous meltdown in January, truth be told.

If Jamie spoke up about this, maybe he’d start opening up more to Sid about other things.   Things he only seemed to completely share with Kris, Janet and Stone for now.  Well, as far as Sid knew Jamie told them everything.

About an hour after their flight lands in Edmonton, Jamie and Sid meet with Jamie’s lawyer, David Reikert, a grandfatherly looking man with white hair, a white beard and mustache, and wire-rimmed glasses.  He’d been Bill Marsh’s attorney for years, having handled Jamie’s adoption for the Marshes.  Also present was Peter Chiarelli, General Manager of the Edmonton Oilers.

“So, Mr. Chiarelli and the Oilers management have looked over your proposal,” Reikert began.

“I think it’s an extremely generous offer, Jamie.”  Chiarelli interjects.  “Are you sure about doing this?”

“Yes, sir.  I get to keep the house for now, and I don’t have to worry about it sitting empty or who I would be renting it to, so I think it’s a win win situation if the Oilers are interested.” 

“Yes.  We are interested.  We’re always looking for options like this to help out our players.”  Chiarelli smiles.  “I can’t imagine you wanting to help out the opposition, though.”

“Okay, shall we run over the main points?”  Reikert interrupts before Jamie can say anything.  “The Oilers will have the right to utilize the house as temporary housing for players brought up from the A who end up staying, or for players coming in on a trade.  They can use it to house one player and his family, or multiple single players as they determine the need.  This, again, will be temporary until players can find permanent housing in Edmonton once it’s been determined they will be here long term.  This could be part of a season, or even a whole season as needed, and even the off-season.”

“Sounds right so far.”  Jamie says.

“The trust established will provide for utilities, maintenance, and general upkeep.  The Oilers will assume responsibility for any damages done while a player is being housed.  At the time that Jamie retires from the NHL, or desires to move back to Edmonton full or part time, he’ll give the Oilers 90 days’ notice that this agreement will be ending.  Likewise, at any point, the Oilers can dissolve this agreement.  Pretty simple, straight forward.  We’ve got all the little details worked out.  So.  Are we all in agreement with this?”

Jamie and Sid nod.  Jamie reaches under the table and puts his hand on Sid’s leg, and squeezes lightly.  Sid puts his hand over Jamie’s reassuringly.

“I think this is a very good agreement, Peter.  The house is in a nice area, not too far of a drive,” Sid says.  “Jamie was pleased that you were interested, so I think we’re set with it.”

Chiarelli nods, “Again, very generous offer, Jamie.  Bill would be so proud of all you’ve accomplished, and what you’re doing with this money.  Something good coming out of such a tragic event.”

“Thank you.”  Jamie replies.  “I hope he’d approve.”

“I know he would.”  Chiarelli adds. 

\---------------------------------------------------

After a short visit to the St. Croix', Jamie and Sid are on the road to the cabin.  Jamie had called Sam and Delores, asking them to open the cabin and get just enough propane for a week.  Sam told him they’d pick up a few groceries to cover the first day, too.  They’ve been on the road just over half an hour when Sid speak up, Jamie’s being quiet again.

“So, I think it’s nice what Luc and Diane are doing with the money.”

“I’d talked to her about me just doing that, but she said no, that she and Coach St. Croix wanted to do it.”

“Still it’s nice.  The Kyle St. Croix Memorial Hockey Scholarship.  It’s a special legacy you helped them leave for him.”  Sid’s hand rested on Jamie’s thigh, his thumb drawing lazy circles. 

“Yep.  I’m glad they are doing it, too.  Doesn’t mean I don’t think he’s an asshole most of the time, but well… he… they…”  Jamie sighs.

“Yeah.  I know.  Like I said, you seem to be able to forgive them.”  Sid tries to lighten things up.  “But then again, they aren’t Ducks.”

Jamie pauses, then chuckles.  “Oh hell no!  Fuck the Ducks!  Always!”

Sid laughs and the mood in the car seems to change as Jamie relaxes and tells him stories about trips to the cabin from his childhood.  The rest of the ride goes by quickly.  When they finally get to the cabin, it’s starting to get dark, so they unload their rental car and fire up the generator.  Sid looks around at the small cabin and the smile on Jamie’s face as he starts a fire in the fireplace.  This is going to be a good week, he thinks.


	52. Let Me Love You When You Come Undone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid managed to grab Jamie’s arms, struggling with Jamie until he had his wrists pinned to the ground.  Jamie tried pushing up with his legs several times, but Sid kept him down until Jamie finally gave up his efforts, his body going limp under Sid, both of them breathing heavy from the exertion.  Jamie was also crying, soft sobs coming out between breathes.
> 
> Jamie’s head was turned to the side, so Sid pressed his cheek against Jamie’s, whispering against the corner of his mouth.  “It’s okay, baby boy.  It’s okay.  Just breathe.  It’s okay.  You’re here with me.  It’s okay.”  He said over and over until Jamie started to respond, his breathing slowing, the sobs quieting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a suggestion for a song by Heyheyhockeytown led me to one band, which led to another, and another... and then to Ashes Remain, which I have to say a Christian band is a far cry from my normal music choice... but their songs came up on the random autoplay related to that first song suggestion. And hence the title of this chapter is from their song "Right Here"

Tuesday morning Sid laid there, rolled on his side so he could watch Jamie sleep, sprawled on his back on the other half of the bed.  As far as he knew, Jamie had slept all night without getting up, so maybe taking a mild sedative before bed was going to work.  Only time would tell, though.  Sid’s gaze lingered on Jamie’s chest, on the slow rise and fall indicting that Jamie was still soundly sleeping. 

He couldn’t help but think how different Jamie looked just since January.  At the island he’d been thick, solid muscle.  Now, seven months later, he was thinner, less sculpted, an obvious result of having taken the past few weeks off from working out and skating, but it was more than that.  Jamie still was at least ten pounds shy of being at a good weight. 

His weight had gone up and down over the span of the playoffs, never quite getting back to where he was even half-way through the season.  Hockey players often lost weight through the season, especially during extended playoff games where they played with increased frequency and added stress.   But, not quite like Jamie had.  Sid knew it was all related to the depression and the stress.  It had made getting him to follow his strict meal plan, set up after the Flyers series, difficult at times.  He’d started off very compliant, and liking his shakes, but that had waned as the playoffs dragged out.  Thank god for his mother, Sid thought, she had been just as determined that Jamie eat as Jamie was at times about not being hungry. 

At some point in the last week Jamie had gotten his appetite back and started eating more.  Sid had noticed it in Vegas.  Jamie’s appetite for other things had returned somewhat as well.  It had been a while since they’d had sex more than once every several days.  They’d had sex nearly every day since their first night in Vegas a few weeks ago, Sid took that as another good sign, another step forward and not back.

Jamie stirred, his eyes fluttering open slowly.

“Morning.”  Sid let his hand reach out and rest on Jamie’s chest, brushing his fingers over Jamie’s warm skin.

“Mmmm… morning.”  Jamie hummed.  “What time is it?”  He yawned and stretched his arms and legs back to life before rolling to face Sid.

“Early.  Around seven I think.”  Sid shifted over so he could kiss Jamie, peppering his lips and cheeks with quick pecks.  They weren’t on a schedule, nothing they had to absolutely do.  They could run to town, but if they didn’t get there until tomorrow that was okay, they had food for today. 

“We can stay in bed, sleep in some more.  Or…”  Sid said, pulling back from Jamie a little.

Jamie wiggled over against Sid, burying his face into Sid’s neck and sighing contentedly.  “Sleep.”

Sid snugged his arm around Jamie, pulling him tight.  “Sleep it is then,” he said into Jamie’s hair as he kissed the top of his head.

\------------------------------------------------

They’d spent that first day at the cabin in bed, getting up only to make food or use the bathroom.  The rest of the time they laid in each other’s arms, kissing softly, talking about nothing, making love and then dozing peacefully on and off.

The longest time they were out of bed was when they fixed dinner that night.  Jamie relit the fireplace so they could cook over it, which Sid found odd when they had a grill outside.  Jamie just smiled and said that this was easier, and better.  He fixed a cast iron kettle of stew with things Sam had left them at Jamie’s request.  Sid couldn’t quit complimenting how good it was.   Jamie grinned, saying that his dad had taught him how to cook in the Dutch oven over the fire.

The next morning, Jamie was up with the sun and off for a run through the woods.  He stretched his muscles on the porch, debating about which trail to take.  Finally, he settled on a route that would take him all the way around the lake, covering most of the property his family, now he, owned.

As he ran, he tried to keep his mind clear by watching for wildlife or studying the path at his feet, watching for stray roots or branches.  He had to hurdle, or in a couple of cases, make his way around downed trees or large branches laying across the trail.  He saw several deer and smaller animals, heard a hawk or some large bird.  He was doing well keeping his thoughts just on his surroundings.

That afternoon they drove in to Smoky Lake to pick up some more groceries, stopping at Sam and Delores’ store.  The elderly couple were happy to see the boys and invited them to stay for dinner.  While Sid wanted to just spend time alone with Jamie, he could see that Jamie really wanted to stay and visit with his pseudo grandparents, so they stayed.

Jamie laughed and smiled all evening as Sam told him stories about Bill and Jean Marsh and they reminisced about past visits to the cabin.  Sid sat and watched Jamie, who was still all happy and talkative as they drove back to the cabin late that night.

Sid was stripping down for bed, watching Jamie do the same.  He paused when Jamie put on a pair of sweatpants, though.  They’d both been sleeping in the nude the for a while now, since they got back to Cole Harbour after Vegas actually.

“You had a good time, tonight?”  Jamie questioned as he grabbed a flashlight and blanket.

“Yeah, they’re really nice people.”  He gave Jamie a puzzled look.  “Where’re you going?”

“Down to the lake.  Come on.”  Jamie gave Sid a kiss on the cheek as he stepped around him, going out and waiting on the porch.  Sid slipped on a pair of sweatpants and followed.

Jamie really didn’t need the flashlight to follow the path down to the lake, but he used it so Sid could see where he was going.  Once they got down there, he spread the blanket out on the ground and sat down.

Sid settled down beside him.

“This was one of my favorite things to do when I was younger.  It’s so peaceful down here at night, and it’s clear, so you can see like a million stars.”  He glanced up, which made Sid look up too.

Jamie was right.  Sid had never seen a sky quite like this, not even at the lake house at home.  The Milky Way was this dense band of stars running across the sky.  He could make out some of the more well-known constellations easily.  The sky was dark and it was as if there were a million little points of light up there.

“Listen.”  Jamie whispered.  “Hear that?”

Sid listened intently, then he heard the familiar splash.  “Fish jumping for insects.” He replied.

“Yep.  And there’s a bullfrog over there,” Jamie pointed to a spot just a little distance to their left.  An owl hooted from across the lake.  The sounds of the night life around the lake filling the air.

Jamie laid back on the blanket and closed his eyes.  “I’ve missed this.”

Sid laid back, sidling up to Jamie so that they were touching from shoulder to hip, enjoying the closeness of Jamie’s body.  He closed his eyes as well, listening to the sounds around him.  He had his own place on a lake, had sat out on the dock at night with Jamie and others.  It was peaceful and calming, too, but nothing like this. 

There were a couple of other houses on the far side of his lake.  There were boats and jet skis and noise and lights.  This was nothing like home.  This was rustic and basic.  He knew now why Jamie had wanted to keep the cabin.  This was a special place.

They stayed like that for a while, quiet, just watching the stars.  Jamie watched a shooting star blaze across the sky.  “See that?  Make a wish.”

“Yep.  I made my wish.  You?”  Sid rolled up on his elbow and hovered over Jamie.

“Yep.”

Sid dropped his head, his lips finding Jamie’s.  Their mouths slowly working together into a deeper kiss, tongues seeking out each other’s mouths.  Jamie slipped his hand behind Sid’s neck, encouraging him even more.  A soft moan escaped his lips and was swallowed up by Sidney.

Jamie turned his hips slightly towards Sid, who responded by draping a leg over Jamie and slotting it between Jamie’s legs.  He pressed his hips against Jamie, which brought out another low moan.  He ran his fingers up and down Jamie’s chest, letting the edge of his nails and fingertips ghost over Jamie’s skin, making it quiver under his touch.

Sid mouthed along Jamie’s jaw, down the line of his neck and across his collarbone before moving back to the hollow of his throat, nipping and kissing just below Jamie’s Adam’s apple, not hard enough to leave a mark, but enough to elicit another soft mewl from Jamie as he tipped his head back, baring his neck for more.  Jamie’s hand slid down Sidney’s back.  Pressing.  Urging him for more.  Sid licked down Jamie’s chest, his tongue gliding against the warm skin as he lingered over each nipple, sucking at them slowly.

Jamie opened his eyes and stared up at the night sky.  The night air causing the moisture left by Sid’s warm mouth to evaporate, leaving a cooler trail along his skin that caused his body to shiver despite the warmth of the air.  He closed his eyes, letting his mind clear of everything but Sid working his way down his body.  As Sid kissed down his abs, Jamie opened his eyes and watched another star shoot across the sky.

_“I’ve always loved watching the stars up here, Marshie.  I can’t ever get over how bright the sky is compared to down home.”_

Jamie blinks his eyes a few times.  No, he thinks.  No. 

Sid’s hand glides up and down Jamie’s abs, still just letting his fingertips skim over the skin as he kisses his way lower.  Jamie fights to focus on Sid.

_“We won’t be able to come up next summer, ya know.  You’ll get drafted and have to go to some development camp.  Things are going to change when you get to the NHL.”_

Jamie hears the words, spoken on their last night at the cabin that summer they came for Jamie’s birthday, just the two of them.  Kyle.  Laying in this same spot.  Watching the stars.

_“Yeah, I guess.  But you’ll be at a camp, too.  Hopefully with me.”_

_“Come on.  You know I’m not good enough to get drafted.”_

_“That’s not true, Kicks.  You know it.  But if you don’t, you’ll come with me anyway.  Maybe you can go to college wherever I end up.  That’d be cool.  You can be the brains of this outfit and I’ll be the hockey god.”_

_“I really wish that could happen.”_

_“Why wouldn’t it?  Cause of what your dad says?  Fuck him, Kicks.  How many times do I have to keep telling you that I’ll do it.  I’ll be in the league and have you with me.  Fuck what anybody thinks.  And if I can’t, then I won’t play.  ‘Cause you mean more to me than hockey.”_

_“Whatever you say, Marshie.  But you know, I’m never going to let that happen.  I won’t let you give up your dreams for me.  No matter what.”_

_“Can we quit talking about it, Kicks.  I mean it._

Sid’s fingers dip under the waistband of Jamie’s sweats and pull them down, freeing Jamie’s cock, which is semi-erect.  His mouth trials down lower until he can lick at the tip.  In his mind, he registers that Jamie is normally really hard by this point, with even this little stimulation.  Sid glances up.  The night is bright even with just a sliver of moon, illuminated by the stars, and Sid can see that Jamie is just lying there with his eyes shut.

Sid lets his hand cup Jamie’s balls, massaging gently, palm rubbing and pressing against them.  He takes Jamie’s cock in his mouth and slowly works his lips up and down the shaft, letting his tongue press along the length.

He feels Jamie tense.  Sid stops what he's doing and raises up on his elbow.

"Jamie, everything okay?"

Jamie drops his hands to his sides, grabbing at the material of the blanket.  His body tenses as the words in his head go on.  He’s in the showers at Rexall Place.  It’s that night.  He’s on the phone with Kyle.  Pleading.  Kyle’s words fill his mind.

_"You can’t give up your dreams because of me, one of us needs to make it, and I guess, I guess I always knew it would be you, you have to do this, you have to Marshie.”_

_“I’m done disappointing people, I can’t, like I said, I fucked up my life and I can’t do that to you.”_

_“I can’t let him hurt you, you’ve always stood up for me.  Now I can stand up to him for you.”_

“Kicks.  No.”  Jamie says.  “No.”

Sid pauses when he hears Jamie, unsure if he heard what he thought he heard him saying.  “No.  Please.”  Jamie cries.

Suddenly, Jamie’s eyes snap open.  Sid can see the panic on his face, hear it in his voice as Jamie tries to sit up, pushing at Sid.

“Stop!  Stop!  Don’t!”  Jamie pleads, trying to roll away from Sid.  “Please.  I need… Please.”

Jamie tries to scramble up, but Sid grabs him around the waist and pulls him down, using his legs to drive his own body up so that he is on top of Jamie, holding him down.

“Jamie!  Stop!  Baby boy, stop. It’s okay.”

“No.  Please.”

Sid managed to grab Jamie’s arms, struggling with Jamie until he had his wrists pinned to the ground.  Jamie tried pushing up with his legs several times, but Sid kept him down until Jamie finally gave up his efforts, his body going limp under Sid, both of them breathing heavy from the exertion.  Jamie was also crying, soft sobs coming out between breathes.

Jamie’s head was turned to the side, so Sid pressed his cheek against Jamie’s, whispering against the corner of his mouth.  “It’s okay, baby boy.  It’s okay.  Just breathe.  It’s okay.  You’re here with me.  It’s okay.”  He said over and over until Jamie started to respond, his breathing slowing, the sobs quieting.

When Sid thought Jamie had calmed down enough, he relaxed his hold, moving off Jamie to lay beside him, but keeping his arm and a leg over Jamie.  He let their foreheads touch, their faces just inches apart.  Sid kissed Jamie’s cheek several times.

“Okay?  Back with me?”

Jamie slowly nodded his head, but kept his eyes closed.

“What happened?  Was it something I did?”

“No.” Jamie said, his breath hitching with another snuffle.

“Okay.  Just lay here.  Breathe with me.  Slow down.  It’s okay.”

It took a few minutes as Jamie gained control of himself again.  He blinked a few times before opening his eyes and looking at Sid.  Sid gave him a light kiss then moved away so they could both sit up.  Jamie sat up, wiping his eyes with his hands, but keeping his head dipped down.

“Let’s go back to the cabin,” Sid offered then, standing and reaching for Jamie’s hand.

Jamie let Sid help him up, he pulled his sweats up and waited as Sid picked up the flashlight and blanket, then he let Sid take his hand and lead him back to the cabin.

They showered in silence, then Jamie sat in one of the chairs at the kitchen table while Sid fixed them both a cup of tea.  He sat Jamie’s mug and a package of cookies down in front of him, then sat down in a chair next to Jamie.

“Want to talk?”

Jamie took a cookie from the package and dipped it in his tea.  He then took a bite, chewing slowly. 

“Okay.  So, that’s a no.”

Sid sipped at his tea, saying nothing else, just watching as Jamie finished the cookie and took a sip of his own tea.  Jamie took a deep breath and let it out slowly, as if collecting himself.

“Zach wasn’t just a coach, or a roommate.  He.  We…”  Jamie paused, taking another sip of tea.

“I kind of figured that one out.”

“He was the first, after Kicks… after…. anyway… the first time, well, the first couple of times we were together I had a hard time.  I kept thinking about Kicks, about being here and also about the last time we…”  Jamie’s voice faltered slightly.  “But I haven’t with you, not any time.  I’ve never thought about Kicks when I was with you.  Until…”

“Until tonight.”  Sid finished.

“Yeah.  But, it wasn’t about, ya know, being with Kicks, but it was about Kicks.”

“What do you mean?”

Jamie didn’t say anything for a minute, as if unsure.

“Jame?”  Sid prompted.  “What?”

“The last night we were here, that last summer together.  We were down by the lake, like tonight, watching the stars.  Kicks started talking about me getting drafted.  About how things would change.  He said something, something I’d forgotten.  Then I heard him again, from the night he killed himself.  He said almost the same thing.  Well, I think it was along the same lines anyway.” 

Sid saw the tears gathering in Jamie’s eyes just as he reached to rub them away, taking another few deep breathes to compose himself.

“What did he say?”

Jamie sat there with his eyes closed, not moving for several minutes.  Sid didn’t press him again, knowing that Jamie was fighting to keep himself calm enough to talk to Sid.

“He killed himself because of me.”  Jamie finally whispered.  “To protect me, he said.  So I could get to the NHL and keep playing hockey.  It was because of me.  My fault.”  He choked out, his voice breaking with each word.  “Why… why would he…”

With that, Jamie couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.

\------------------------------------------

The next morning Sid woke up with Jamie still in bed next to him. 

Sid hadn’t said anything to Jamie the night before, knowing somehow that it wouldn’t matter what he said to Jamie at that point.  Jamie felt the way he felt, right or wrong.  So, Sid had just sat there, holding Jamie’s hand across the table while Jamie cried until Sid finally prodded him into getting up and going to bed.   Carefully he tucked Jamie into bed and held him until Jamie fell asleep.

Jamie had slept fitfully, tossing and turning most of the night.  Sid hadn’t slept much as he’d watched over Jamie, gently reaching out to comfort him every time Jamie stirred or called out in his sleep.  He’d have given Jamie one of the sedatives Dr. Stone had prescribed, but he wasn’t sure where Jamie had put the bottle of pills and didn’t want to try and find them.  About four in the morning, Jamie finally seemed to have settled down into a more peaceful sleep.  Sid didn’t let himself sleep for a little longer, waiting to see if Jamie’s internal clock woke him in an hour, his normal time to get up and run.

When Jamie barely stirred at that time, Sid let himself fall asleep as well.

Now, he watched the teenager sleeping peacefully.  Things had been going so well the last few weeks that what happened was probably to be expected.  The step backwards for which Sid had been waiting.  But, maybe it wasn’t really that step backward.  Yes, Jamie had an episode, but he’d talked about it to Sid.  Progress, Sid thought.  A couple of months ago, hell, even a couple of weeks ago, Jamie would have kept whatever set him off all bottled up inside, or maybe talked about it to Janet or Kris.  Maybe.

So, yeah.  Maybe only a half-step backwards.

Sid carefully climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom.  When he came back out, Jamie was still sleeping soundly, so he went out to the kitchen to fix a pot of coffee.  It was a half-hour later before he heard Jamie stirring.  He heard the toilet flush and expected Jamie to make an appearance in the kitchen at that point, but he didn’t.  Sid poured himself another cup of coffee, then fixed a cup for Jamie and carried them back into the bedroom.

Jamie was on his side, facing away from the door, the sheet pulled up over his shoulders and tucked up under his chin it looked like.

“You awake? I brought you a cup of coffee.”

Sid walked around and set the cup down on the table next to Jamie’s side of the bed.  Jamie’s eyes were closed, but Sid knew he wasn’t sleeping.  He stood there for a few minutes.

“Do you want some breakfast?  I can fix us omelets? Or maybe pancakes?”  Sid offered.

“Pancakes.”  Jamie said quietly.  “With eggs, too?”

 “Over easy?”

 Jamie nodded. 

 “You going to get up or would you like breakfast in bed?”

 Jamie opened his eyes and looked up at Sid.  He gave him the puppy dog eyes and Sid expected him to say that he’d like breakfast in bed.  Instead Jamie said he’d get up, so Sid turned and went out to start breakfast.  A few minutes later, Jamie came out carrying his coffee cup and sat down at the table.

Sid puttered around the kitchen, mixing the batter and lighting the gas stove.

“They’re better out of the cast iron skillet over the fire.” Jamie stated, the first thing he’d said since coming out of the bedroom.

“I don’t think I could fix them like that.”

“Okay.”

More silence followed as Sid fixed the pancakes and eggs.  Then silence as they ate. 

When he got done, Jamie told Sid that it was good, even if it wasn’t cooked over the fire, then he got up and went back to bed.

Sid left him alone, left him sleep through the day.  He checked Jamie a few times, and each time Jamie was sleeping soundly.  So, Sid sat out on the porch and read one of the books he’d brought along.  He didn’t bother to wake Jamie for lunch, just fixing himself a sandwich and eating alone. 

About six, he started thinking about dinner when he heard Jamie up and moving around inside.  Sid got up and went in.

Jamie was lighting the fire in the fireplace.

“I thought we’d have the steaks we got for dinner.  If that’s okay?” he asked Sid without looking up.  “I can do some potatoes, too, if you want?  Can you fix the salad?”

“That all sounds good.”  Sid walked over and stood next to Jamie, reaching down to run his fingers through Jamie’a hair.  “Feeling better?”

“Yeah.  Thanks.”  Jamie stood, waiting for a second before he stepped close and wrapped his arms around Sid, dropping his head to Sid’s shoulder as Sid returned the embrace.  “Love you.”

“Love you.”  Sid turned his head to kiss Jamie’s cheek.  “One day at a time, baby boy.  We’ll get through all this together.  Okay?”

\-------------------------------------------------

Friday is a better day, spent swimming in the lake, then Jamie napping along the shoreline while Sid fished.  Jamie fixed the fish Sid caught for dinner, which brought raves from Sid.

Sid was surprised when Jamie again grabbed a blanket and led him down to the lake so they could make love under the stars.  The night ended with Sid as the big spoon, curled up against Jamie’s back as they laid in bed.  Sid listened to him talk about the week he spent with Kyle at the cabin for his birthday.  Telling Sid more about how he felt about Kyle’s suicide and what Kyle had said to him.  This time, Sid voiced his thoughts.  Telling Jamie that it wasn’t his fault.  And Jamie listened, Sid thought, and maybe, just maybe, Jamie believed him.

Saturday, they packed their supplies and closed up the cabin.  On the way out of town, they stopped to say good-bye to Sam and Delores.  This year Jamie left an envelope and a letter from his attorney, along with a rather substantial check.  He’d also included a hand-written note telling them both what they meant to him and thanking them for all they had always done.  He was sure he’d hear all about how he didn’t have to do that for them.

The drive back to Edmonton was filled with talk of what the next day would bring.  It was going to be Jamie’s day with the cup, filled with a couple of autograph sessions, trips to visit a children’s hospital, time with the little Oilers, and finally a trip to the cemetery again.  There wouldn’t be any big party, they’d done that in Cole Harbour and there really wasn’t anyone in Edmonton Jamie wanted to celebrate with other than Sid and the Strahns, who’d been at that first party.

Monday, they flew home to Pittsburgh.  They had two weeks until the big day and there was still a lot to do.  Sid watched Jamie sleep on the plane.  He chuckled to himself when he thought about how much time he had spent just watching Jamie.  It was something he’d done often, since the first time he met Jamie actually.  He just couldn’t help it, he thought.

Now, watching Jamie sleep, Sid thought that Jamie seemed happy again.  Happier than he’d been in a long time.

Sid had been right.  Overall, it had been a good week. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Right Here" by Ashes Remain
> 
> I can see every tear you've cried  
> like an ocean in your eyes  
> All the pain and the scars have left you cold  
> I can see all the fears you face  
> through a storm that never goes away  
> Don’t believe all the lies that you’ve been told
> 
> [CHORUS:]  
> I’ll be right here now  
> to hold you when the sky falls down  
> I will always  
> be the One who took your place  
> When the rain falls  
> I won’t let go  
> I’ll be right here
> 
> I will show you the way back home  
> never leave you all alone  
> I will stay until the morning comes  
> I’ll show you how to live again  
> and heal the brokenness within  
> Let me love you when you come undone
> 
> [CHORUS]
> 
> When daybreak seems so far away  
> reach for my hand  
> When hope and peace begin to fray  
> still I will stand 
> 
> [CHORUS]
> 
> When the rain falls I won’t let go  
> I’ll be right here.


	53. Of Bridal Showers and Bachelor Parties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The afternoon and evening turn out to be a lot of fun, just hanging with the team, coaches and some others.  Jamie swims, plays some basketball in the pool against Bones and Horny, plays a few games of cornhole on a couple of boards that somebody brought, and finally falls asleep on one of the lounge chairs for an hour while they wait for the golfers to finish up on the course.
> 
> The club has set up a tent, with tables and chairs, outside the clubhouse for the dinner.  The evening turns into a roast as their teammates recount the never-ending saga, as Bones puts it, of the courtship of Sid and Jamie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the countdown is on... we draw closer to the big day...
> 
> I hope you enjoy this... thanks for reading...

Tuesday, July 25th

Wedding - minus 11 Days and counting…

_To Do:_

-          _Pick up suits 7/31_

-          _Groomsmen’s gifts – should be ready 7/27?_

-          _Flower girl / Ring Barer Gifts – need wrapped_

-          _Meet with Mayor Peduto 8/3_

-          _Oversee decorating Friday and Saturday_

-          _Rehearsal Dinner Friday – call caterer with final count on 7/31, check with Nathalie to make sure everything ready_

-          _Bachelor Party 8/1?  Jamie’s birthday?  Call Conor_

-          _Vows written?_

-          _Check with Pens people about final guest count_

-          _Flowers delivered Saturday morning_

-          _DJ  - needs playlist ASAP_

-          _Double check flight reservations/hotel for Strahns, Luc & Diane, Sam & Delores, Cat – car service or are we picking up at airport?_

-          _Favors for wedding guests – check with Pens people_

-          _Marriage License_

-          _Change of name for Jamie – need to make sure papers are signed_

-          _Photographs 8/4 in the morning_

“Is there anything else you can think of that needs to be done?”  Trina looked over her list.  “It’s going to be hectic next week.”

“Aren’t there things on there that Jen’s people should be taking care of, like the flowers and the DJ and the wedding favors?”  Sid questions his mother. 

“Yes.  But we need to just double check on everything with them.”  She asserts.  “Like the DJ, Jamie needs to give him the playlist for the reception.  I’m assuming you’re letting him pick out the music.”

“And why would you assume that,” Sid quipped.

“Because you have shitty taste in music,” Jamie snorted, giving Taylor a wink.

“I do not.”  Sid protested.

“Oh yeah, bro, you do.”  Taylor sided with Jamie.  “Just let Jamie pick the music.”

“Okay, back to the list.  We need to decide who’s going to do what.”  Trina brings them back to the topic at hand before a sibling squabble breaks out over Sid’s choice of music.

Sid was amazed at how organized his mother is with the wedding.  He and Jamie had been thoroughly impressed that she and the Pens had been able to pull this all together in just a little over three months.  For an event this large, most people started planning a year, or even two years, ahead of time.  And they’d managed to do it with minimal input from the two principal participants.

Everything had come together remarkably well.  It helped that any vendor who had ever had anything to do with a Pens charity or team event wanted to be part of the wedding of the year.  This was going to be quite the show, leaving no doubt just how much the Pens support their Captain.

\----------------------------------------------

Wednesday, July 26th

Wedding – minus 10 days and counting…

“So, what song do you want for our first dance?”  Jamie looks up at Sid.

Sid is sitting on the couch, Jamie lying on his back with his head in Sid’s lap and his laptop open on his drawn-up knees.  He’s got Spotify open and has been listening to songs, flipping back and forth between there and a word document where he’s typing out the wedding playlist.

“What song do you think?” Sid gives him a ‘well, duh’ look like that should be the easiest song to pick.

“So, _I Like Big Butts_ it is.” Jamie says as he hits the play button.

“Think you’re funny, eh?”  Sid smacks him on the top of his head.

“Well it’s that or _All About That Bass_.  I mean, I want everyone to know why I married you.”

“Oh, god.  Really.  Stop it.  Can’t you be serious about this.  I think it should be our song, don’t you?”

“And what song would that be?  Hhhhmmmm….”  Jamie grinned up at Sid.

“You know very well what song.”

“Okay, so _Chelsea Dagger_ it is then.”

\----------------------------------------------

Thursday, July 27th

Wedding – minus 9 days and counting…

It’s been a long day.  They’d picked up the gifts for the guys.  Wrapped them and the gifts for Alex and Estelle.  Then Jamie had taken time out of wedding stuff to meet with Pat Brisson and reps from Reebok-CCM, which was actually Jamie’s preferred equipment. 

“It’s a good deal, Jamie.” Pat says, looking over the potential endorsement deal.

“We’d really like to have you on our team, Jamie.”  The rep says.  “We’d like to run a promotion with you and Sid.  In addition, we’d opt for a young guns thing with you and some of the other young players we have deals with, too.  If you’re interested.”

Jamie looks at Brisson who nods.  “A very good deal, Jamie.”

“I’m in then.  Where do I sign.”

Adding that to the deals that Tim Horton’s and Gatorade Canada had offered him to join in on Sid’s endorsements, Jamie was set to move into the top 15 on the list of player endorsements in the NHL.

\------------------------------------------

Friday, July 28th

Wedding – minus 8 days and counting

“Are you sure?  I know we’ve joked about it, with the sweaters and all, but are you sure you want to do it?”

“Yes.  I’m sure.”  Jamie said for the umpteenth time.  They’d had this conversation several times since the sweater had first appeared during the Cup finals in San Jose.

“A lot of people don’t.  Vero and Catherine still use their last own last names.”  Sid noted.  “I mean, I just don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do, okay?”

“Would you rather I didn’t?  Or would you rather change yours?”  Jamie sounded annoyed now.

“I would, if that’s what you wanted.”

Jamie got up from the kitchen table, where they’d been going over the official papers that Sid’s attorney had given them to look over.  He went to the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water.

“Look.  How many times do I have to tell you.  It might have started as a joke, but I’ve thought about it.  And I want to do it.”  He said as he walked back to the table. 

“You don’t have to.”  Sid asserted again.

“Do you not want me to?”  Jamie stopped next to him.  “Cause that’s what I’m getting.  You keep asking me if I want to do it.  I’m starting to think you’d rather I didn’t.  So tell me, cause we need to decide.”

Sid shuffled the papers around on the table.  When he finally replies, he says quietly, “I’d like it.  But I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“You’d like it?  Is that what you said?”

“Yes.  I’d like it.  I really want us to have the same name.  And I really like seeing it on you, when you wear that sweater.”

"Okay, then.”

“Okay?”  Sid looks up.

“Yeah.  Because evidently Kris was right when he told me you were a possessive fuck who liked to mark his property.”

Sid started to protest, but Jamie bent down and kissed him before he could.  After a minute, he pulled back a little.

“But also, those assholes are right.  I’m just an old-fashioned girl who can’t wait to take my man’s last name.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 29th

Wedding – minus 7 and counting

Jamie pulled up in front of Flower’s house, got out and walked to the front door.  Flower had texted him and asked him to go to lunch, then stop with him to pick up Flower’s suit for the wedding.  He’d said something about Vero and Catherine having a party for the other WAGS at the house, something to do with the Alex and Estelle boutique, so he wanted to get out of the house.

“Hey, Vero.” Jamie smiled and gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek when she opened the door.

“Hi, sweetie.  Come on in.”

“He ready?”  Jamie asked, looking around at all the black and gold balloons everywhere.

“Um, well.  He’s not here.”  She said.  “But, now that you are…”

“What?”  Jamie was confused as she led him in to the living room.  “But he said…”

“Surprise!”  the large gathering of wives and girlfriends yelled at him as he stepped into the room.

“Jamie Marsh, welcome to your bridal shower!”  Maureen Kunitz exclaimed, walking up to hug a shocked Jamie.

“Fuck him.  He set me up, didn’t he?”  Jamie whispered to Vero.

“We made him,” she whispered back.  “He and Kris took the kids so we could do this.”

“God.”

Jamie walked in and was greeted with a hug from all of the women there, which he discovered included Trina and Taylor.

“You’re in on this?” he said accusingly.  “Thanks so much.”

“Oh come on, it’ll be fun, baby bro.”  Taylor poked at him.  “Didn’t you tell Sid you were just an old-fashioned girl?”

The party turned out to not be as bad as Jamie thought it would be.  The food was great.  And the games they played were actually fun.  There was a who said what game that compared Sid’s answers to questions to Jamie’s, which made him realize that Sid had been in on this whole surprise bridal shower thing, as well.  He’d deal with that little tidbit at some point, tucking it away for when he needed ammunition in the future. 

They’d played a game called porn or polish, where you are given a list and you have to decide if it’s the name of a nail polish or a porn movie.  Jamie made a note to maybe look up the ones that were porn, just to make sure the game was legit, of course.

The last game was a game that Conor’s Jordan and Kayla made up specifically for the shower.  They called it ‘Sid or Not Sid’.  They handed out a piece of paper to everyone that had ten different photos on it, each cropped just to show the person’s backside.  Each person was then to guess if the booty in the photo was, in fact, Sidney’s famous hockey butt.

“Okay, number one is Sid,” Jamie said confidently.  “That one was easy. Number two is not Sid.”

“Are you sure?”  Muzz’ girlfriend asked. 

“Pretty sure,” Jamie said.  “It’s mine.”

“Prove it.”  Ian’s Jordan taunted Jamie. 

Jamie stood up and turned around, wiggling his behind, which brought catcalls and a lot of giggling.

“See.”  He said as he sat down.  “Okay, where were we.  Numbers three and four are Sid.”

“Right again.”  Kayla affirmed.  “Four for four.”

“Five is not Sid.”  He grinned.  “Do I get a bonus if I know who it is?”

“You know?”  Kayla asked.

“I thought it was Sid,” Trina injected.  “Are you sure it’s not?”

“It’s Aaron Ekblad.”  Jamie stated.

“How’d you know that?”  Kayla questioned.  “That’s right also.”

“I’m not telling.”  Jamie waggled his eyebrows, before continuing.  “Six is not Sid.  That’s Jonathan Toews.”

“How do you know who it is?  Does Sid know that you are checking out other guys’ asses?”  Vero goads Jamie.

“I plead the fifth.”  Jamie laughs.  “Okay.  Seven, eight, and nine are all Sid.  No doubt.  But ten isn’t.”

“So are you tell who is ten?”  Anna asks.

“Ten is Geno.”  Jamie asserts.  “Da?”

“Da!”  Anna replies, laughing.  “Is his big booty.”

“Okay.  How’d you get them all.  I mean, I know you’d know Sid’s, but the others?”

“I knew them,” Lauren Bonino pops up.  “I mean come on, those are some pretty famous hockey booties.  Are you telling me that none of you have ever looked?”

The room broke into laughter at that point and discussion of who in hockey does have the best asset.  Jamie sat there, feeling a little embarrassed as the women discussed their husband or boyfriends’ backsides, or made some comment about some other player in the league, especially when a group would ask him who he thought had the better ass between their husbands. 

“Oh no.  Not going there.”  He said when Horny’s wife and Hags’ fiancé tried to get him to pick. 

As things started to wind down, Catherine disappeared for a few minutes Jamie noticed.  When she came back, she was carrying a large wrapped box.  Jamie gave her a stern look, because he and Sid had sent out a notice with the invitations to the wedding asking that in lieu of presents, they preferred that people make a donation to the charity of their choice. 

“No presents, remember.”  He admonished all of them.

“No wedding presents.  This is a shower gift, from all of us.”  Maureen contended, waving her hand at the others around the room.

Jamie cautiously unwrapped the box, then opened one end.  He reached in and took a hold of what he recognized as a picture frame.

“We hope you like it.  Sid said it was your favorite picture from this year.” Catherine said as Jamie slowly pulled the picture out of the box.  Based on her comment, he expected it to be the photo, enlarged and framed.

Only it wasn’t a photo.

“Holy shit,” he whispered, his mouth gapping open in awe.  “I… wow… I don’t know what to say. 

Jamie stared at the framed painting.  The main part was just like the photo, Sid in his arms at center ice, was in the middle of the painting.  In each corner, however, were other images.  Each of them holding the Cup overhead in opposite corners.  Sid’s favorite image from San Jose in another corner, and then all five of them – Sid, Jamie, Troy, Tina and Taylor- with the cup opposite that. 

“Thank you all so much.  This is… wow.”  Jamie just kept staring at the painting.  “How’d you get this done so fast, something like this would take a long time, wouldn’t it?”

“We have our connections.  And it was actually started a while ago.  He just had to wait and see what image would go in the center.”  Maureen commented.

That didn’t make sense to Jamie at first, until he looked at the images again.  All the ones in the corners were from the 2016 win in San Jose, only the center was from this year.  So that made sense.

“Originally we were going to give it to you as a wedding present.  But then, you guys said no presents.  It was actually started last year, when we thought,” Vero said, pausing at that point when Jamie got a strange look on his face.  She’d been going to say when they thought the wedding was going to be last August.  “anyway,” she continued, “we decided to wait and see what happened this year before he finished it, with the Cup I mean, not you and Sid.  So we could either put in an image from this year, or just use another one from last year.  So it wasn’t like he had that much to do between June and now.”

“Wow.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love it.  Thank you,” he glanced around the room, “I mean it.  Today has been great.”

\--------------------------------------------

Sunday, July 30th

Wedding – minus 6 days and counting

“Is he okay?”  Trina asked, watching Sid fix a couple of sandwiches.

“Yeah.  I just think yesterday was a lot for him.”  Sid replied.  “The party was a lot of social time.  And he’s still got a bachelor party to get through before all of the wedding stuff.”

“We were just all worried, he was so quiet at breakfast and when we got home from the Lemieux’ he went right upstairs.”  She voiced her concerns, “and he’s been up there all day.  And now you’re taking him up dinner instead of coming down to eat with us.”

“It’s okay, Mom.  Really.”  Sid gave her a reassuring look. 

At least he hoped he looked convincing.  Truth was he was a bit worried as well.  Jamie had slept all day, head buried under a pillow, not even wanting to cuddle up to Sid at all.  He’d finally woken up and asked for a sandwich and some chips for dinner.  He’d said he was fine, just tired, worn out from being around everyone the day before.  Just what Sid told his mom.  But, Sid saw through Jamie as easily as she saw through Sid at the moment.

“Sidney.”

“I don’t know, okay.  It’s what he said, that he was tired from yesterday.  I have to accept that.”  Sid sighed.  “He’s been better about telling me how he feels.  About talking to me when things are bad for him.  So, I’m trying to trust that if something were really wrong now, he’d tell me.”

“Alright.  I guess you’re right then.”

Sid took the sandwiches, grabbed a bag of chips and some water and took them upstairs.  He sat on the bed and ate with Jamie, who didn’t say much.  When they finished eating, however, Jamie did ask Sid if he’d like to join him for a shower.  Sid wasn’t about to say no.

Afterwards, Sid expected Jamie to go back to bed.  When Jamie put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, Sid was surprised.

“Thought we could maybe build a fire and sit out on the deck for a while.”  Jamie said.

“I think my folks and T would like that.”  Sid smiled.

Sid was even more pleasantly surprised when Jamie stopped in the living room and retrieved his guitar from behind the chair.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, July 31st

Wedding – minus 5 days and counting

“Isn’t it bad luck to see the bride in the wedding dress before the wedding?”  Jamie joked.

“Oh my god, don’t say that to him.  He’ll flip out.”  Taylor chuckled.  “But you’re right, I’m surprised he agreed to go with you and pick up your suits at the same time.”

Jamie rolled his eyes at her.  “I think he feels like he needs to keep an eye on me all the time this week.”

“How are you doing?  You seem so much better.”  Taylor commented as she watched Jamie take his suit out of the bag and lay it on the bed.  He was in charge of hanging them up while Sid had stayed downstairs to help his mom with dinner.

Jamie smoothed out the material of the suit, pausing as he reached to make sure the tie was over the hanger okay.  He rubbed the silk between his fingers.

“Doing okay.  Meds helping.” He finally said, straightening as he picked up the suit and took it to the closet.

“You’d tell me, wouldn’t you?  If something wasn’t okay.”

“Yeah, T.  I’d let you know.  But things are good.  Just anxious to get it over, to just be married already, you know.”  He hung his suit up next to Sid’s.  “I just want Saturday to get here.”

\-------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, August 1st

Wedding – minus 4 days and counting

Jamie wasn’t really paying attention to where they were going as Sid drove them to the bachelor party.  He was sitting in the backseat thumbing through text messages from some of the Under 23 Club, who were discussing who would be in Pittsburgh for the wedding, when they planned to arrive, and then deciding to get together for dinner Friday night.  He looked up when he felt the Rover slow down.

“What are we doing here?” he questioned as Sid pulled into the Allegheny Country Club.

“This is where the party is.  The boys rented the club for the day.”  Sid filled Jamie in.

“What?”

“They thought you’d like this.  You can lounge by the pool with whoever while some of us play a round.  Then dinner and drinks.”  Sid knew golf wasn’t Jamie’s thing.

“They’re bringing strippers here?”  Jamie sounded alarmed.

"No strippers.  Relax.”  Sid stated.  “But I’m not sure why you’d mind, you’re into being an exhibitionist.”

 “That’s different.  But back to the strippers, Conor and Rusty kept saying that we had to have them.”

 “They were trying to get you riled up.  And it worked.  You should have heard them laughing about it.”

 “It was pretty funny,” Troy added.  “Watching you get pouty every time they’d bring it up.”

 “I never…”  Jamie stammered.  “Whatever.”

 The afternoon and evening turn out to be a lot of fun, just hanging with the team, coaches and some others.  Jamie swims, plays some basketball in the pool against Bones and Horny, plays a few games of cornhole on a couple of boards that somebody brought, and finally falls asleep on one of the lounge chairs for an hour while they wait for the golfers to finish up on the course.

The club has set up a tent, with tables and chairs, outside the clubhouse for the dinner.  The evening turns into a roast as their teammates recount the never-ending saga, as Bones puts it, of the courtship of Sid and Jamie.

“I think that it’s time we let our Captain in on the what has, unbelievably, been the best kept secret on the team for the last year and a half.”  Culls says at one point.

“No.  We can’t tell him,” Hags objected. 

“No. No.  I think Culls is right.  The time has come.”  Kris concurred with Cullen. 

“What secret,” Sid asked warily.

“We may have had a little wager going.  A pool, if you will.”  Flower snorted.

“Oh god,” Sid bemoaned.  Jamie sat beside him, not looking the least bit disturbed by this revelation.  “A bet about what?”

“When you’d finally get up the nerve to make a move,” Culls said.

“What the fuck?”

“No, more like when the fuck, Sid.”  Geno snorted out, laughing at the look on Sid’s face.

“We started it the day after Jamie’s first game.  After you went out with all of us after the game.  Pretty obvious to us what you were thinking even then,” Tommy chuckled.  They were all laughing at the look of indignation on Sid’s face, his friends sure that it was more about having been unable to hide his feelings than about the bet. 

“You have got to be kidding me.  You…”  he turned to look at Jamie, who now had a smug look on his face which Sid read instantly. “You… you knew about this?”

“Who do you think won the money.”  Jamie boasted, reaching up to high-five Flower.

That night, they laid in bed, Sid spooned up behind Jamie, his arm draped over Jamie’s side.

“Good day, baby boy?” he asked, hooking his chin over Jamie’s shoulder.

“Good day.”

“Everything okay?”

“Tired.  And well, tomorrow is…”

“I know.”  Sid kissed Jamie’s check as he realized what was bothering Jamie.  “I know something else.”

“What?”

“That when you wake up tomorrow morning, I am going to be right here beside you this year.  I promise.”

“Promise?”  Jamie turned and kissed the side of Sid’s mouth.

“Promise.”  Sid pulled Jamie tighter against him.  “So, what say we celebrate your birthday.”

“We did that this morning, I do believe.”  Jamie smiled.

“Doesn’t mean we can’t do it again.”  Sid started kissing at Jamie’s neck and shoulder.  “Happy birthday, baby boy.”


	54. Wedding Day - Part V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tanger fills Sid in... and Sid fills Jamie in... and they both start to get it...

Earlier…

“It wasn’t because of the medications, Sid.Aren’t you listening to me?”

 

“Yeah it was, he wouldn’t have,” Sid stares at Kris’ face. “Oh shit.Why are you telling me this now?”

 

“Because you need to know.And I don’t want anything to happen to him.”

“I’ve asked him if it was because of me, because he thought we’d broken up.So, you’re telling me it was?”

“No.It wasn’t because of you.It was because of him.Because of his depression, everything he deals with all the time.This week, all of this, has pushed him to the edge again.Haven’t you seen it?”

“What do you mean?Things have been okay.I told you, he’s fine, or he says he’s fine.He had some trouble Wednesday, needed some alone time he said, but then he was fine.”

“He’s not fine.”

“I’m really not following.Look, he talks to you and Janet.He’s only recently started opening up to me about things, and it’s been good.Good for him.Good for our relationship.”

“He doesn’t tell Janet everything.And he didn’t tell Stone everything.”

“What hasn’t he told them?”Sid stares at Kris, “What are you getting at?”

“Edmonton wasn’t the first time he’d thought about hurting himself, do you know that?”

“Yes.”

“It wasn’t the last, either.”

Sid feels like Kris just blindsided him into the boards, knocking the wind out of him.He has to sit.

“When?” He asks Kris, not believing what the other man is telling him.

“March.The night of Aces and Ice.He wasn’t sick, he stayed home so he could… well, that was his plan.”

“Did he tell you what he was going to do?I mean, how he was going to…”Sid can’t even say it aloud.

“He took a bunch of pills.But about ten seconds after he took them, he said he made himself throw them all back up.”

“He told you he did it?When?How long have you known?”

“Not until we were into the playoffs.It’s what we were fighting about that day your parents overheard us.”

“Because he wouldn’t tell anyone else, I’m guessing.”

“He wouldn’t tell Janet.He didn’t want to tell me, but he knew he needed help.He had to tell someone.”Kris walked over and sat down next to Sid.

“Has he told her, or Stone?”

“No.He’s afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“Do you listen to him?When he does talk to you about things, do you listen to him?He’s afraid of losing you.He’s afraid you’ll hate him for whatever reason he gets in his mind at that moment.It was because you’d think what he did was because of you.That would hurt you and you’d leave.It was because he was afraid you wouldn’t want him because he was fucked up, as he thinks, with all this.It was because he feels he’s not worthy of being loved.It’s all kinds of things he’s talked about to Janet.One thing he has said hasn’t changed, she says, that he says that everyone he loves leaves him.And things he’s said to me.He’s afraid of losing you, of being alone I think.”

“But why wouldn’t he tell them that he’d tried to hurt himself again.I mean, how is that about losing me or me leaving.”

“He was afraid they would hospitalize him.He was afraid of being away from you, I think.That’s just what I get, he didn’t say it in so many words, but I got that impression.”

“But he left and went to stay with Dumo…”

“He stayed with Dumo.He wasn’t alone.When he’s had the hardest times, he’s been alone.Last summer.The road trip when you were hurt.You remember when he talked them into letting him get his own room in Philadelphia, when you two were having your little disagreement.He didn’t stay in his room, he ended up coming over and sleeping on my extra bed after the first night.He made Flower and I swear we wouldn’t tell you.”

Sid sits there, taking in what Kris is saying and trying to let it all sink in.He’s still not sure why Kris felt he needed to bring this all up today of all days.Why couldn’t it have waited.

“Why today, Tanger?What happened that I don’t know about?”

“Wednesday.”

Sid grimaces.“What?”

“He showed up at the house.Things were not good and he was having a hard time.You know he wasn’t taking his pills to help him sleep.”

“Yeah he was.”Sid said.

“No.He kept getting the script filled, but he wasn’t taking them.He was hoarding them.Now why do you hoard a powerful sedative, Sid?”

“Fuck.”

“He gave me the whole bottle, said he couldn’t trust himself with it in the house.Do I think he’s going to do something?No. And he is improving I think.He didn’t do anything this time.He could fight off that impulse this time.But I thought you should know what all this is doing to him.He’s not you Sid.He’s quiet and not out for the spotlight, and when he met you, he got shoved right out there.So add that to all of his fears about losing you.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now…

“When what?” Sid asks when Jamie doesn’t finish his sentence, his words trailing off.

Jamie hunches his shoulders, curling his body in on itself.In an instant, Sid is up, going to Jamie and wrapping his arms around him from behind, resting his head between Jamie’s shoulders.

“Did you try to hurt yourself because of me? Because I wasn’t there when you woke up that morning?”

Jamie clenches his eyes shut, his voice is just barely audible.“Yes.Maybe.I don’t know anymore.I’m not sure now about anything that happened then.”

He hears Sid suck in air, and a soft “fuck” escape his lips.Sid makes him turn around so they are facing each other, but Jamie keeps his head down.

“So it wasn’t because of the medication.”

“Not entirely.” Jamie won’t look up.“The medicine made it worse, the voices.And I was seeing you, and Kicks.But, I don’t know.You were telling me to hurt myself, telling me I wasn’t… I wasn’t worth loving… that I shouldn’t.You said something, the other night, on my birthday.”Jamie says softly.“You promised you’d be there when I woke up.Did you know? Had Tanger already said something?”

“No.He just told me today.I had a feeling though.Things you’d say.He just confirmed it all.”Sid reached up and cupped Jamie’s face in his hands.“Tell me.”

“I got up and you weren’t there.I thought maybe I’d dreamt it all, or hallucinated it.Maybe it was caused by the medicine, I wanted to believe that.But I don’t know why I was hearing you say that to me.You weren’t there when I got up, but your voice was.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”Sid questions.“What did you think would happen?”

“You’d hate me.I told him if you knew, you’d hate me.”

“That doesn’t even make any sense?Jamie I’m the one who hurt you.You should have hated me last summer.I’m the one who should still be begging you for forgiveness.”Sid tries to pull Jamie into a hug, but Jamie pulls away.

“You don’t get it.”

Sid stands there staring at Jamie, a stunned look on his face.

“Then tell me.Help me get it.Talk to me, baby boy.Not Janet.Not Tanger.Talk to me.”

Jamie takes a few deep breaths, trying to control the anxiety threatening to flood over him.He’d talked to Sid about other things and it had been okay, he told himself.He could do this.He could.He closed his eyes and clenched his hands into fists at his sides.

He feels a hand on his back.

Comforting.

Steadying.

“Jamie.Please.”Sid says. 

“Everyone leaves me.”Jamie whispers. “Everyone I’ve ever loved.Because I fuck up, or I’m not good enough, or I don’t know… but they leave me.”

“Look at me, Jamie.”

Jamie opens his eyes to look at Sid.

“I’m not everyone else.I’m not going anywhere.”

“You say that, but…”Jamie challenges, as he brushes past Sid, walking over and sitting down on the bench.He leans forward and buries his face in his hands.“I’m sorry.”

Sid doesn’t move to go to him, “There’s nothing to be sorry about, baby boy.”

“I fucked up again, and now, fuck, I just wanted to get through today.I thought, if we’re married, if we finally got to that point it would be okay. That I’d be able to convince myself that this time was different, that you wouldn’t leave me.Every time I thought about…”Jamie didn’t look up, but kept his face in his hands, his voice faltering and on the verge of breaking. “whatever.I just thought that it would be okay.It would go away, that feeling.”

Sid went to Jamie.Sitting down beside him he draped his arm across Jamie’s shoulders.

“Why today?Why did he have to fucking say something today?”Jamie voiced into his hands.

“Because of what happened Wednesday.”

Jamie’s head snapped up and he his body tensed.“Fuck him.He said…”

“Jamie.”

“I wasn’t going to hurt myself, Sid.I swear.”

“It’s okay.I believe you.But, he was right to say something.”

“No, he wasn’t.What good has it done.To prove me right?”

“You really think I came in to call off the wedding?”

“Aren’t you?”

“No.”Sid sat back, turning his body slightly so he was facing Jamie more.“That’s what you need to get.I’m not going anywhere.Nothing you tell me about your past.Nothing you tell me about what you’ve been going through for the last year.Nothing is going to make me hate you or leave you.”

Jamie dropped his chin to his chest, staring at the floor.

“You say I don’t get it.Tanger pretty much said the same thing to me, that I don’t really listen when you tell me things.I think that goes both ways.So, here’s the deal.I’ve listened today, and heard things that I didn’t want to hear but that I needed to hear.So now it’s your turn to listen to me.”

Jamie didn’t lift his head, but Sid rested his hand on Jamie’s leg.

“Think back to that first time you played the Ducks and what happened.We weren’t together yet, but what did I say to you?And then during all the concussion issues, I said it to you every day.And in Edmonton last summer.And when everything happened at the All-Star game.And all through everything.What have I always said to you?Have you been listening?”

Jamie didn’t move, just kept his head down for a few seconds.Then slowly he lowered his hands from covering his face.“We’ll get through this together.”Jamie whispers.

“Together.”Sid repeats.“We’ve had a lot of up and downs this past year, both of us learning what being together means.And I told you, it scares me, it has scared me from the very beginning how much and how quickly I fell in love with you.And I nearly blew it last summer, and I told you then that for the first time in my life I didn’t run away or let someone just leave.I knew…. KNEW… I had to come after you and make it okay again.”

Jamie leans against Sid’s side as he takes Sid’s hand in his, lacing their fingers together.

“We’ve gotten all kinds of advice all week, marriage cliché after cliché I thought, but you know what, they’re all true.There is a reason people say what they say.Today is supposed to be the start of a new chapter in our life together, so I think that Tanger saying something was good.We both needed to hear things today and to actually listen to what we were being told.Because we start forward today, together.Really together, do you get that?You’ve kept me out of things because you’re worried I’ll leave. I’ve not pushed because I’m afraid it will drive you away.No more.We’re in this together, Jamie.We’ll get through whatever comes up, together.”

“Together.”Jamie says a little louder.

“Together.”Sid brushes his lips to Jamie’s temple.“Do you believe me?”

“Yes.”

“So, what I need to know, and I want the truth, are you okay with all this today?Because if you aren’t, we call this off today and we go have the nice, quiet, private wedding we talked about.”

Jamie sits up and runs his fingers through his hair, thinking about what Sid just offered.Then he thinks about why he’d suggested this whole big wedding in the first place.

“I know it’s not what I wanted, but I still believe it’s what we need to do.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“I’m good, Sid.Really.”Jamie gives him a half smile.“Let’s do this.Together, right?”

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this brings us to the next chapter and much anticipated event...


	55. Do You Take This Man...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And now, to answer the question that has been the hot topic on social media for some time now, will we all be buying new sweaters… Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I present to you, for the first time as husband and husband… Sidney and Jamie Crosby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY!
> 
> As to be expected, Sid and Jamie's wedding day is filled with some laughs, some tears, and lots of love...
> 
> I hope this meets your expectations...
> 
> only a few more chapters in this book... reception, the honeymoon at Disney, and a couple more things.... 
> 
> thank you for all the comments and support... and for reading...

“Is get show on road time.”  Geno grins when Sid makes his way back to the home locker room.

“He’s waiting for you guys,” Sid says to Jamie’s groomsmen.  “You seated my parents, right?” he asks Geno. 

“Yes, Sid.  All ready to go.  Just wait on grooms get shit together.”  Geno responds, ushering Sid towards the runway.

They all look incredibly handsome, so Trina and the wives all informed them.  Sid is wearing a custom-tailored black suit, with a black dress shirt.  His tie and vest aren’t quite Pittsburgh gold, but it is close, making a stark contrast on the black. A matching yellow handkerchief is tucked into his left breast pocket.

The groomsmen are all sporting identical custom-tailored black suits, as well, also with black dress shirts.  They, however, have matching white ties and vests, as well as a white handkerchief in their breast pocket.  They look sharp, thanks to Taylor and Kris’ impeccable fashion sense.

Jamie is wearing a custom-tailored all white suit.  His vest, tie, and pocket accent all match Sid’s.  It really makes him stand out from the others.  When they had picked out the suits, Jamie had wanted to just wear black, like Sid, so that they’d match.  But Sid had informed him that he wanted to make sure that the day was all about Jamie. 

Sid, being Captain Superstitious, pointed out that one of them needed to wear white.  Jamie had just groaned.  He offered to flip a coin to see who wore white, but Sid informed him that there was no chance that was happening. 

When they’d had their final fitting, Jamie had stood in front of the mirror and grinned.  He’d turned and looked at Sid. 

“Know what the difference is between you and me?  I make this look good.” He chirped, quoting Will Smith’s character from _Men in Black_.

“So, you’re okay with it?”  Sid asked.

“Oh hell yeah!”  Jamie exclaimed happily.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

They had agreed to following certain other traditions as well, even though the wedding ceremony itself would be more modern.  Jamie, more than once, complained that it seemed like they were only following traditions that applied to the bride.

“You understand that there isn’t a bride in this wedding, right?” he lamented to Flower one day at practice back in May.

“Oh, that’s so cute, Grasshopper.  You just keep telling yourself that.”  Flower replied, patting Jamie on the back.

Which is why, Jamie ended up being the one who needed the whole something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue things.  Some of the items were easy choices. 

His something old was a gold and red charm of a hockey player wearing a team Canada sweater that had belonged to Jean Marsh.  Bill had given it to her after Canada won the gold medal at the 2002 Olympics, when he’d been an assistant coach for Canada.  It hung from his something new, a gold chain from Sid that was longer than Jamie would normally wear, but it meant the charm hung closer to his heart Sid had said. 

The something borrowed were his cufflinks, which were actually a special gift to Brian, his best man.  They were black and gold, with Brian’s initials and a number 8 engraved on them.  Jamie wore them while all the others wore custom-made cufflinks with a Pens logo and their initials on them. 

The something blue wasn’t as easy to find.  For lack of any better ideas, he was going to wear a pair of blue boxer briefs.   What eventually became his something blue meant much more to him in the end, and he hadn’t gotten it until the night before the wedding. 

Instead of just having the rehearsal and a dinner or party for the wedding party, Mario had hosted a party for any of the team, family, and out-of-town guests who wanted to attend.  This wedding had turned into a massive affair on many levels, not just with the ceremony.  Jamie had invited all of his pseudo-family from Edmonton, the Strahns, Sam and Delores, Evan, Cat, and Luc and Diane.

Diane had come up to him when things had been winding down and handed him a small gift-wrapped box.  Jamie had carefully unwrapped it, not sure what to expect.  When he opened the box, he found a small piece of blue fabric.  He knew right away what it was.

“I thought, maybe, you would like to have him with you today.”  Diane had said.

“He’s always with me, but this,” Jamie’s voice wavered.  “This is so special.  Thank you.”

The next day, the piece of fabric was tucked carefully behind the yellow handkerchief in his breast pocket, a piece of Kyle’s sweater from the last team they had played on together when they were fifteen.

\------------------------------------------------------

Jamie decided to go away from traditional instrumental music for the ceremony.  It had taken him a lot of searching, but he finally found the two songs he wanted to use for the processional.  One each for when he and Sid walked to the stage where the ceremony would take place.  When they were ready, Flower gave a nod to the DJ and the first song started playing.

“Good choice,” Flower said as _I Knew I Loved You_ by Savage Garden began.

Vero and Catherine sent Alex, the ring bearer, and Estelle, the flower girl, down the aisle ahead of everyone.  Alex was dressed to match the groomsmen and Stelly was dressed in a yellow dress that matched Jamie and Sid’s accent color.  They were way too cute, of course, and got lots of oohs and aahs from the guests. 

Flower stepped out from the Penguins bench area first, followed by Duper.  Then, Sid walked out.  Ahead of Geno.  Because… well.

At the rehearsal, Geno had looked at Sid and stated matter-of-factly.  “I married one year.”

“So.  This isn’t like walking out for a game, G.  Being married isn’t like playing in the super league.”  Sid said emphatically. 

Geno flashed his big, broad smile at Sid.  “I am always go last, Sid.  Is bad luck if I not go last.  Only do this for you and Marshmallow.  Not want marriage to start with bad juju Flower say.”

Jamie could have smacked Geno right upside the head for playing that particular superstition card.  One look at Sid was all it took for Jamie to give in.  Geno was going last.

\------------------------------------------------------

Over in the visitor’s bench area, Jamie and his groomsmen waited, watching the others walk across to the raised stage by the penalty box.  Jamie looked out across the arena.  It looked spectacular decorated in all black and gold.

There was a low stage riser set up over by where the penalty box would be.  The center ice area was going to be the dance floor, but right now it was full of chairs where their guests were seated for the ceremony.  In each of the ends, from just inside where the blue lines would be, tables were set up for the sit-down dinner. 

Each table had a black tablecloth spread on it, and a beautiful floral arrangement of black and gold roses as a centerpiece.  They’d thought about doing a buffet, but really wanted a sit-down meal.  The caterers said it would be difficult when they heard that over 600 guests had RSVP’d that they would be attending, but they said they would find a way. 

Around the outer edges, behind the goal lines, were several tables of Hors d'oeuvres for the after the ceremony, while they waited for photos to be taken and the party to get started.  Between the bench areas, the service staff would set up a table while the guests ate.  On it would be the wedding cake and other dessert items, cookies and cupcakes. 

The Pens had gone all out, telling Sid and Jamie that cost was not an issue.  This was to be a grand affair, the wedding of the year in Pittsburgh, and the NHL.  Having the sit-down meal, all the decorating, having to move chairs from the seating area to the tables after the ceremony.  Then there would be the massive clean-up after the partying was done.  To make it all happen smoothly required a lot of people.

It would be a long day for everyone working behind the scenes to make this all come off come off without a hitch.  Sid and Jamie made sure that they all got a substantial bonus in addition to their regular pay.  And, they all got meals and a piece of wedding cake, as well as one of the wedding favors, a custom designed miniature puck with a Pens logo and the words _Jamie and Sidney August 5, 2017_ written in gold lettering on them.

The music changed to the song that Jamie and his group are to walk out to, _Every Day I Love_ You by Boyzone.  Kris starts to snicker as he leans forward and says something to Kuni.  Brian smacks him on the back.

“Stop it.” 

“It’s going to be great.”  Kris turns and says.

“What is?” Jamie asks apprehensively. 

“Well,” Kris hems and haws, “there may have been a few changes to things after last night.”

Jamie glares at them, because now, all three are having a hard time controlling themselves.  “What did you assholes do?”

“Nothing.  We just thought that being so old-fashioned, you needed a little more… tradition… in your wedding.”  Brian laughs as he steps out of the runway.

As Jamie steps out, the music changes.  It’s not supposed to change.   He recognizes it instantly. 

_Here Comes the Bride._

His face goes beat red as all of the guests stand.  The rest of the wedding party, Sid included, are trying to control their laughter.  Well, he guesses, it was to be expected in a Penguins’ wedding that there would be some sort of joke.  And as far as their jokes about Jamie, it really is a pretty good one.  Jamie chuckles at it himself as he walks to the stage.

Truth be told, Jamie would probably never put up with all the jokes about being the girl in the relationship if they came from outside his Pens family.  From them, he knows it is different.  He sees it more as a difference between being a comment of hate and being a comment of love.  And, he’s already seen that the guys don’t take kindly to outsiders making any of those comments.  Yeah, it’s a family joke, not allowed by outsiders. Secretly, he loved it.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Once Jamie is standing on the stage next to Sid, the guests sat back down.  Mayor Bill Peduto stepped up to stand in front of Jamie and Sid.  Once they had determined that the ceremony would be secular, they needed to find someone to officiate.  They had thought about having a District Judge marry them, and then Jamie had read that Mayors could legally marry people in Pennsylvania so they had asked Peduto, who had been thrilled at the offer.

“Friends and family, what a beautiful summer day it is in Pittsburgh today.  A most fitting day to gather together as we join Sidney and Jamie as they begin this exciting new phase of their lives.  Before we begin, Sidney and Jamie ask that you join them in a moment of silence while they light a candle in remembrance of loved ones who could not be here today to celebrate with them.”

Sid took Jamie’s hand as they walked over to a small table on the corner of the stage where a single candle had been placed in front of pictures of their family that were no longer here.  Jamie had to wipe his eyes as he looked at the picture of himself with his adoptive parents, the only parents he had really known, he thought.  He wished they could have been here.  How Bill would have liked Sid.  They light the candle together and then observe a moment of silence before going back to stand in front of Peduto.

“On behalf of Sidney and Jamie, I would like to thank all of you for joining them for their big day.  And to you two, I would like to offer a thank you on behalf of everyone here for allowing us to be a part of your celebration.  I know that many of us, if not all of us, have been a part of the couple and wedding watch over the last year and are ecstatic that we have finally gotten to this point.”

“I spent a little time earlier this week talking to both Jamie and Sidney about what they wanted their ceremony to be, and about how they saw their married life being.  It was amazing to me how they had similar views that they expressed in very different ways.”

“When they asked me to officiate their wedding a month ago, I asked them to find something I could use to make their ceremony more personal to them. I asked them to each give me one thing they wanted to share about their marriage, something they’d read, something they believed, a story I could tell.”

“They asked me not to read them last night, and they also did not share their vows at that time.  Instead choosing to hear them today, with all of us, for the first time.  So, we’ll start with Jamie’s request.  One of the things that Sidney told me that he loved about Jamie was when Jamie plays his guitar and sings.  He said that he relates certain songs to special moments in their relationship, so when Jamie gave me what he wanted me to read, it made perfect sense.  Jamie’s reading is in fact song lyrics, which Jamie told me were really just poems set to music.  One that he thought of, about Sidney, and what Sidney means to him is a Beatles song called _In My Life.”_

“I’m not going to sing it, which you’ll thank me for later, because I’m sure I’m not nearly as talented as I hear Jamie is.”  Peduto joked before he started reading the lyrics.

_There are places I remember_ _All my life, though some have changed Some forever, not for better Some have gone and some remain All these places have their moments With lovers and friends I still can recall Some are dead and some are living In my life, I've loved them all But of all these friends and lovers There is no one compares with you And these memories lose their meaning When I think of love as something new Though I know I'll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know I'll often stop and think about them In my life, I love you more_

“Now, for Sidney’s reading.  He asked me to share a story he found in an article about what being married meant to people.  The article was about the Legacy Project, which was a study about what makes for a long marriage.  In the article, which was called _The Myth of the 50-50 Marriage,_ most of the couples reported that marriage was more about both partners giving one hundred percent.  One story stuck out to Sidney, and he thinks it represents how he sees their marriage being.”

“I went and found the article and printed the story to which Sidney was referring so that I could read it to you today.”

“It is the story of Albert, an 80-year-old man who had been married for 59 years to what he described as ‘a very good wife’.  What Albert said was that in a marriage you shouldn’t worry about who was winning or losing, but instead that working together was the key.  He provided an example of how he saw this working.  Here’s what Albert said.”

“Well, there’s a local museum here in town.  In it there’s a life-sized statue of a team of work horses obviously pulling a large load.  And at our last anniversary, the kids asked us ‘How do you characterize your marriage?” I said, ‘Go look at the sculpture, that team of horses.  Both of them laying into the harness together.’  And written underneath it was, ‘As of One Mind.’ That sculpture characterizes our marriage.  We came through some very hard times.  There were times when we didn’t know if we were going to make it.  But we did it together.  If one person goes off and thinks he’s going to do it by himself, it isn’t going to work.”

Sidney stared at Jamie as Peduto read the story.  It was an article Sid found a couple of weeks ago, and it said everything that Sid thought he’d been telling Jamie about their relationship all along.  It was what he’d tried to tell him today.  What Jamie said he understood, but Sid hadn’t been sure that he did, even after their talk.  But now, he saw something change in Jamie’s expression as Jamie listened to Peduto.

“Very wise words from both of you.  Now, I know we did not rehearse this part either, and you had said that you wanted to skip it, so please forgive me.  But.  I was intimidated by some rather large hockey players who said that they wanted to do this for you, Jamie.  So…”

Jamie hears some rustling of seats in the audience and looks out, watching as all of his teammates stand.

“Who gives Jamie to be married to Sidney?”  Peduto asks with a smile.

“We do.”  Comes the resounding response from all of the Pens, bringing laughter from the other guests.

“They sound rather enthusiastic about that.”  Peduto chuckles. 

“Okay.  Sidney.  Jamie.  The time has come for you to share the vows you’ve prepared.  Jamie, you wanted to go first.”

Jamie looks down at the floor and takes a deep breath, slowly letting it out.  “I had something written out which I’m sure would have made Mom, T, and well, even Geno cry.  I was going to talk about seven words from a song, a sappy, all Sid love song.” 

He looked up, looking around Sid at Geno.  Sid grins and Geno gives a little huff in protest.

Jamie sucked his top lip in between his teeth, chewing it nervously for a minute before he continued.

“Anyway.  I was going to talk about how much those words mean to us, to me.  How they say what is most important to me.  About love being all you need.  But then, a little bit ago someone tried to explain something to me, about our relationship.  About what was really the most important thing.”

Jamie kept looking up at Sidney, then looking down.  He paused, as if trying to collect his thoughts.

“I told him I got it, but I didn’t.  Not really.  Not until just a few seconds ago,” Jamie cleared his throat, and sniffled, dipping his head again.  Sid read Jamie’s face.

“You okay, baby boy?”  Don’t break, he thought.  “Right here. Look at me.” Sid reached out and took Jamie’s hand. 

Jamie nodded, collecting himself.  “Listening to what you chose for your reading.  It finally… I finally understood.  I think of the why of things.  And the why is love.  But you think about the how of things.  And now, I get it.  The why, the love, will always be here.  It’s not really what makes a relationship.  It’s what you do with that love.  It’s the how you handle things in your relationship that’s most important, that’s what makes a relationship work, makes it strong.”

Jamie sniffled a few more times, his eyes glistening as he fought back the tears.  “And,” his voice shakes.  “The how is all about one word.”

Jamie closes his eyes, and slowly shakes his head, his bottom lip quivering.  The tears break free and roll down his cheeks.  Sid squeezes his hands.

“Together.”  Sid says.  “That one word is together.  We’ve been through a lot in our relationship, already.  And I don’t know what our future will be like.  But through every high, and every low, and all the times in between.  We’ll get through it… together.”

Jamie opened his eyes and looked at Sid, nodding slowly.  “I get it.” He whispered.  “I get it.”

Sid leaned forward and lifted his face to Jamie’s, resting his cheek against Jamie’s, gently kissing it. “You okay.”

“Yeah.”  Jamie whispered, taking a few deep breaths and letting them out slowly.

Sid stepped back.  Jamie snuffled a few times and wiped his eyes with his hands.  

There was a lot of sniffling from the onlookers, and a few from others on the stage, too.

Sid looked at the mayor, who was rubbing a finger under his eye, “Okay.  I think we’re ready for the rings now.”  He glanced out to the seats and saw his mother and sister both wiping a tear away.  “He has us all crying, so, wedding complete.”

“Do we have the rings?” Peduto asks as he collects himself.

Kris fishes them out of his pocket and hands them carefully to Alex, who has been clinging to his leg.  Alex walks over and hands the rings to Sid before going back to his dad.

“Sidney.”

“When I gave you this, I told you that one day I would put it on this hand for all the world to see.  Today is that day.  Wear this ring as a symbol of my love for you, which knew no beginning and knows no end, but has always been and will always be.” Sid said as he slipped the ring on Jamie’s finger.

“Jamie.”

“I can’t believe how one small gold band changed my life so completely.  Wear this ring as a symbol of my love for you, which knew no beginning and knows no end, but has always been and will always be.”

“Sidney.  Jamie.  By the power invested in me by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and the City of Pittsburgh, it is my honor to now pronounce you husband and husband.”  He gets a sheepish look on his face.  “And please, Jamie, forgive me for this as well, but they are very intimidating… Sidney, you may kiss your bride.”

Jamie raises his hand to his mouth and says into it, just loud enough for the guys on stage to hear, “Fuckers.”  Sid steps to him then and pulls him in for their first kiss as a married couple.

When they break apart, they turn to face their guests.  Peduto steps forward and places a hand on each of their shoulders.

"And now, to answer the question that has been the hot topic on social media for some time now, will we all be buying new sweaters… Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I present to you, for the first time as husband and husband… Sidney and Jamie Crosby.”


	56. The Reception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the music started, Sid glared at Jamie as the familiar sound of Chelsea Dagger filled the room, but his expression changed as that music faded out and the opening notes of All of Me began playing.  
> “Would I do that to you?”  Jamie whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long... I hope you like these snippets from the wedding reception... toasts, first dance, wedding cake, and a few other 'traditions' are covered...

Sid turns to look at Jamie, who is beaming as Sid squeezes his hand.  Applause and cheering fill the arena as Sid gives Jamie another kiss.   

Mayor Peduto motions for the guests to quiet for a moment.  “Okay.  The boys are going to have some pictures taken now, please feel free to come up and take your own.  They’ll stay up here so everyone who wants a picture can get one.  At the tables at each end of the rink area there are snacks and food to tide us over for a bit until dinner is served.  If you go to the Zamboni doors to my left, your right, you’ll find the open bar area, complete with alcoholic and non-alcoholic refreshments.  The serving staff will be moving the chairs back to the tables if you could give them a little bit to get that done while we take photos, then it will be time to eat and get this party going.  Thank you.”

While they are taking pictures, the staff move the chairs.  Jamie notices most of the team helping, along with a lot of the other players in attendance, all laughing and talking with the service staff as they do.  It hardly takes any time at all to move everything.  It takes a lot longer to make sure everyone who wants to take a picture gets the chance. 

As soon as the last picture is taken, Jamie reaches up and undoes his tie, slipping it off as he and Sid make their way down into the crowd, getting hugs and kisses from their friends as they do.  Much as he didn’t want to let go of Sid’s hand, Jamie had to as they got pulled in different directions by people.

“Well that didn’t take long,” Taylor says, sliding up next to Jamie.  “Want me to take it for you?”

“Yeah, thanks.”  Jamie slips her the tie.  “It wasn’t so bad, but I just, ya know.”

“I know, baby bro.” she reassures him.

“Hey.  No more soon-to-be,” he laughs.  “I like that.”  

\----------------------------------------------------------

As the wedding party mingled with the guests, the service staff tore down the stage and set up their tables, one in the center by the penalty box area and then several on either side of that.  Jamie and Sid would be at their own table, with their family, along with the guys and their families at the side tables. 

As he looked around, Jamie realized that he didn’t know probably half the guests at his own wedding.  Okay, so probably more than half the guests.  As he   At the moment, he was surrounded by a bunch of people who he suspected were NHL big shots, invited more for show than anything.  One of them had Jamie cornered.  To be honest, Jamie had no clue as to what department the guy was even with, so he was only half listening, nodding his head and saying, yeah, right, and okay, as the guy talked. 

He scanned the room, looking for a friend and help.  He caught Tommy’s eye, giving him a ‘please come save me’ look. 

Tommy just laughed.

Then Rusty stepped up next to Tommy.   They exchanged some words, pointed at Jamie, and then, they both laughed, enjoying his predicament way too much.

Fuckers.

Jamie tried to extract himself from the conversation, which two other unknown guests had joined in on.  One of the men stepped closer to Jamie and put his arm around Jamie’s shoulders.  Jamie tensed as the guy leaned in and kept talking, clearly uncomfortable with the invasion of his personal space.  Jamie closed his eyes, trying to focus on just breathing.  Before he could open them again, he felt another hand on his arm.

“Hey, we need to steal this guy for a few team pics.” Tommy said, taking Jamie’s arm and pulling him away, leaving the NHL execs standing there a little dumbfounded.

“Thanks, man.”  Jamie whispered, letting Tommy lead him through the crowd and back to Sid.

“No problem.  You okay?”  Tommy asked.  Jamie nodded.

“Hey, baby boy.”  Sid tucked his arm around Jamie’s waist when he got to the table.  Sid looked at Jamie’s face, “What?”

“Nothing.”  Jamie answered.  “Just, there are a lot of people here I don’t know and, well…”

“They were getting a little too friendly.”  Tommy interjected.  “I rescued him, though.”

“Hey, went on a food run for you guys,” Rusty said, coming up to the table then with a couple of plates of snacks.  They had an assortment of wings, meatballs, mini-egg rolls, fresh vegetables and fruit, stuffed mushrooms, and cheese and crackers set out at the tables.

“Bless you,” Jamie grinned as he sat down at the table to try and eat some wings without getting sauce all over his suit.  Sid picked at one of the mini-egg rolls as he stood talking to some friends from Cole Harbour who had come down for the wedding.

It was over an hour after the ceremony had ended before everyone was seated and they started serving the meal, but once they did, everything ran like a well-oiled machine.  The wedding party started popping open champagne bottles at that point, while they waited for their meals, pouring glasses for everyone at their tables.  Jamie popped open the bottle at his and Sid’s table.  He poured their glasses just as the servers were sitting their meals down.

Because they were serving so many, they had tried to keep things simple at first, but whenever Trina met with or talked to anyone from food services, they just kept saying that they’d find a way, that they wanted Sid and Jamie to have the best wedding possible.  So, dinner was not so simple. 

The guests had been given four dinner choices from which to choose – beef, chicken, fish, and vegetarian.  They had also had several special requests for vegan and other special dietary needs.  Each request was met with a firm ‘no problem, we can do that’.  Jamie isn’t sure how they could manage to keep everything straight.  It had all been handled by people much better at that type of logistics than him.  Assigned seats.  Color coded place markers.  He gave up trying to figure it all out.  At the moment, all he cared about anyway was getting a rather large piece of prime rib.

He’d been told by most of the married guys that he probably wouldn’t want to eat or wouldn’t get a chance to eat.  No way was either of those things happening.  Jamie thanked the server when they sat his plate down.  A large piece of meat, smashed roasted baby potatoes, and green beans with garlic and sesame seeds.  There was also a tossed salad. 

Jamie took a bite of his prime rib, just one bite, before he got interrupted.

Estelle was sitting at the table with her parents and sister, and the Letangs.  At the moment, she was a very unhappy little girl.  There was a battle going on with her parents because she wanted to go sit with her Uncle Jamie.  Jamie could hear Vero telling her daughter that today was a special day for Uncle Jamie and Uncle Sid and that Estelle had to behave.

Jamie got up.

“Where are you going?” Sid asked.

“Getting my girl.”

Jamie strode over to the table.

“Stelly, you want to come sit at my table?”

“No, Jamie.  She is fine here.”  Vero said.  “You go and have some time to enjoy today with Sid.”

“She can come.  Really, Vero.  Alexander, you want to come, too?” 

Alex looked at his mother and father, hopefully. 

“Jamie?”  Kris gave him a concerned look.  “Are you sure you know what you are doing?”

“Yep.  Grab your plates, you two.”  Jamie said as the kids stood up.  He picked up their chairs and carried them back to his table as the two carried their plates behind him.  Instead of sitting in her chair, however, Estelle sat on Jamie’s lap when they got back to the table.

“I can’t wait for them to have kids.” Catherine mused, watching him try to eat with Estelle on his lap.  “He is going to be a great father.”

“Yes, he is,” Vero agreed, watching as Alexander shyly stood next to Jamie and Estelle until Jamie let him climb up on his other knee. 

\----------------------------------------------------------

Brian stood up, took the mic from the DJ and gathered everyone’s attention.  Everyone had their meal and were eating when Kuni reminded him that he needed to do the toast for the bride and groom. 

“I know we are doing this a little late, but as Jamie’s, uh, Maid of Honor,” laughter by the guests and blushing by the bride ensue, “it is my duty to give the first toast of the night.  So.  Everyone please raise a glass.  From the minute Jamie came to Pittsburgh, Sid told us all that there was just something about this rookie, something that made it easy to be his friend.  Easy to like him.  And he was right.  Over the last what, year and a half or so, I’ve gotten to know him as a teammate, and as a friend.  As my best friend.  And I’ve watched his relationship with Sidney grow.  We all knew right away that they were meant to be together.  And today, I know that all of us here couldn’t be happier for both of you.  So, here is to my best friend and his husband, may you have many years, and win many cups, together.”

Next up was Geno with the Best Man’s toast. 

“Is always I’m tell Sid that I go last.  But is Sid go last in marriage.  Last among friends is what I’m mean.  He watch Flower and Tanger and I’m marry.  Start families.  We all know Sid wants but worry Sid never find someone he loves the way we all find love.  Then Sid find Marshmallow and we all know.  Dumo is right.  All know that they are to be together.  Sid and Jamie say today two important words in marriage.  Love and together.  So, I am say now, всегда любить всегда вместе. Always love.  Always together.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie stood in front of the dessert table waiting for everyone to be ready before he turned on the mic and addressed their guests.  Their cake was plain and simple, not an elaborate multi-tier monstrosity.  Yellow cake, Jamie’s favorite, of course, with chocolate butter cream frosting.  They also had some other cake, chocolate and white, available.  Once they had everyone’s attention, Jamie flipped the mic on.

“Um, hey everyone.”  He paused.  “Again, I want to thank everyone for being here today to celebrate with Sidney and me.  I have to tell you that, so far, married life is pretty good.”

“So,” he continues, “as some of you know, this little thing happened back in June.  It certainly doesn’t compare to today, though.”

The room breaks out in a ‘we won the cup’ cheer, and there are more than a few groans from the non-Pen players in the room.

“Okay.  Okay.”  Jamie motions for everyone to settle down.  “Anyway, we’ve been asked why we didn’t have a cup themed cake.  Well…”  Jamie points over to the entrance to the rink area from the Pens’ bench.  “Why have just a cake when you can have the real thing at your wedding?”

Just then, Phil Pritchard walks out carrying the cup, which he hands to Sid who hoists it overhead.

“That’s right, boys, eat your heart out.  Benefit of marrying the captain, you get to party with Stanley at your wedding!”  Jamie proclaims with great glee.  “So, right now, Sid and I are going to cut our cake and do all that stuff.  The cup will be on display back here, please feel free to come get pictures.  I personally, will be taking the love of my life for a spin on the dance floor in a few minutes, and then if Sid wants, he can dance with Stanley, too.”

A few minutes later, Sid rests his hand over Jamie’s, as they hold a knife and cut into their cake.  Jamie then picks up a small piece, as does Sid, and they do the traditional thing of feeding each other a bite of cake. 

Through the course of the evening, Jamie ends up not only dancing with Stanley, but eat wedding cake out of the cup and even drink some champagne out of the cup on his wedding day. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Sid holds Jamie’s hand as he leads him out to the center of the dance floor.  Turning when he gets there, he slips his right hand down on Jamie’s waist, waiting for Jamie to put his left hand up on Sid’s shoulder.

“Um, what are you doing?”  Jamie questions.

“Leading.”

“No.  I’m leading.”

“No.  You’re the bride.  I’m the groom.  I lead.”  Sid declared, as if that was all there was to it.

Jamie stared, but made no move.  Sid stood there for all of ten seconds before he let go of Jamie’s hand, placed his left hand on Jamie’s shoulder, and held his right hand up for Jamie to take.

“Fine.  You lead.”

When the music started, Sid glared at Jamie as the familiar sound of _Chelsea Dagger_ filled the room, but his expression changed as that music faded out and the opening notes of _All of Me_ began playing.

“Would I do that to you?”  Jamie whispered.

Jamie led Sid across the floor slowly, to the music.  When Sid heard the words of the song begin, he stopped in his tracks, stunned for just a second before he started dancing again.

“What?”  Jamie asked, looking innocent.

“That’s you.  That’s you singing.”  Sid leaned in and whispered in Jamie’s ear. 

“I’m on your magical mystery ride, And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright,” Jamie sang along to the next line, softly singing into Sid’s ear.

“When?”

“A couple of days ago, when you were out with your mom.  I recorded it and made sure he got it today.”

“So much better than that other song.”

Sid rested his head on Jamie’s shoulder as they danced, Jamie singing over the speakers, but also singing along softly just for Sid to hear.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So, no one really thought we’d let Jamie get away with not having a bouquet to toss, now did you?”  Brian says, as he stands in the middle of the dance floor. 

Jamie stands next to him, holding the centerpiece from his table, which was actually a bouquet of black and gold roses, with sprigs of baby’s breath. 

“All you single gals, and guys.  That’s right.  You’ll get a chance to catch both the bouquet and the garter.  Come on up.” 

It took a few minutes to get things figured out, but finally Jamie turned his back to the good-sized group eagerly waiting for the toss.  He calculated the distance and gave the bouquet a flip over his head, then turned to watch the scramble.

Jamie gave Brian an ‘oops’ look when Kayla came away with it, “guess you’re next, buddy.”

Next up is the garter.  They weren’t going to do these two traditions.  No bouquet.  No garter.  At least that’s what Jamie had thought until Kris had walked in to the locker room with a present for Jamie, a black and gold silk garter. 

“Can’t have a bride without a garter,” he stated, “Catherine said it was bad luck.”

So now, Jamie sits on the chair that Flower brought out for him.  Sid is down on one knee in front of him, he slips off Jamie’s right shoe and lifts Jamie’s foot up to rest on his bent knee.

“How far up do I have to go looking for this thing,” Sid says suggestively, running his hand up Jamie’s leg.

“Not that far,” Brian replies as Sid’s hands climb up Jamie’s thigh.  “Save it for later.”

“Hey, you just stay out of this,” Jamie grins.  “He’s doing just fine.”

“My eyes.  I’m scarred for life.”  Brian chirps when Sid’s hand gets really high.

Everyone can hear them because Brian left the mic on and there is a substantial amount of laughter across the room. 

Sid blushes and drops his hands back down, slipping them under the cuff of Jamie’s pants’ leg and pushing it up.  That brings some oohs and aahs as Jamie makes a show of lifting his leg up to show off the garter, snug around his calf.

“Not to worry, Dumes.  I don’t think these pants are going much further up my leg no matter how hard he tries.”  Jamie laughs as Sid slips the garter down and off.

As Jamie did with the bouquet, Sid turns his back to the group and gives the garter a fling over his shoulder.  The lucky person to grab it is Rusty. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the reception is filled with dancing, singing, laughing, and making some great memories.  Right after their first dance, Sid had danced with his mother.  Jamie had been going to go sit down, but Troy stopped him.

“Isn’t it traditional for the bride to dance with their father, or in this case, father-in-law?” he’d asked.

“I guess it is now.”  Jamie smiled, stepping into Troy’s arms. 

The bridal party had joined them on the floor then, and over the next couple of songs, as their guests filtered on to the floor to dance as well, each of the groomsmen danced with Jamie, also, cutting in on each other over and over again.  The highlight of that was Jamie dancing with Geno, who as the song finished, leaned forward and gave Jamie a kiss on the lips. 

“Best man must give bride kiss,” he said at Jamie’s surprised look.  “Is tradition.”

“I’m starting to wonder if you people are just making up some of these traditions.”  Jamie mused, as he was suddenly surrounded by Kris, Flower, Kuni and Duper who were not about to be out-done by Geno and demanded that they, too, get to kiss the bride.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie spent most of the evening on the dance floor, usually without Sid, except for the occasional slow dance.  If you’d ever seen Sid dance, you’d know why Jamie didn’t mind that he sat out most of the time.  It wasn’t pretty.  The boy had no rhythm.

Eventually the party starts winding down, most of the guests remaining are Pens personnel and other hockey players, the NHL and media guests having filtered out.  A lot of the players still there have moved tables and chairs up around Sid and Jamie’s table, they talk about any and every topic under the sun.  There is a lot of good natured chirping going on, particularly about the upcoming season and the Olympics.  Team Canada has taken a definite ‘take no prisoners’ attitude against the Team USA guys, while Geno, Alex and a couple of the other Russians just sit by and laugh at them both.

Jamie Benn is sitting next to Sid.  He’s been keeping an eye on Tyler, who is out on the dance floor with Jamie, both of whom have been doing shots all night, a recipe for trouble if he’s ever seen one.  _Red Light Special_ by TLC comes over the speakers, but Benn isn’t really listening until he sees the expression on Sid’s face change dramatically. 

“Oh holy fuck,” Sid gasps.

Half afraid to look, Benn turns to see what Sid, and now most of the guys sitting with them are now staring at.

Tyler is pressed up against Jamie’s back, his right arm around Jamie’s waist, the other hand on Jamie’s hip.  Jamie has his right arm over Tyler’s, his left arm is crossed over Tyler’s so that Jamie is holding on to Tyler’s hip.  They are ass to crotch, hips moving together in a slow, synchronized grind.  Jamie’s head is down, his eyes closed, his lower lip caught between his teeth.  Tyler has his chin hooked over Jamie’s shoulder.

“Sweet mother of god.”  Comes from someone a couple of chairs over, Benn thinks it was either Tavares or Toews.  That’s when the catcalls start.

“We should not let them anywhere near each other,” Benn laments to Sid.  When he gets no response, he turns to look at Sid, who is staring at the pair, completely mesmerized by what he’s watching.

“Sid?  I said we need to keep them apart.”

“Huh?  Yeah, we, uh… are you sure?  Holy fucking, hell.” Sid’s mouth is gapped open and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat.  “I, uh…”

“Your boys are best show I ever see.” Alex razzes them. 

“Benn your boy is corrupting my Grasshopper,” Flower teases the Stars’ captain.

“Flower, you know Jamie has already been corrupted.  He could probably teach Segs a trick or two, eh, Sid?”  Kris nudges Sid.  He and Flower stayed to party while Catherine and Vero took the kids home. 

“Yeah, whatever you say.” Sid mumbles, unable to take his eyes off the pair.  

Jamie raises his head, looking across the dance floor at Sid.  Slowly he licks his lower lip.  Sid knows what’s going on, Kris is right about Jamie being the instigator.  Yeah, Jamie is being a little shithead and he’s gotten Tyler to play along.  This is all a show, for Sid.

When the song ends, Jamie and Tyler make their way over to the table.  Jamie sits down and leans in to whisper in Sid’s ear.  “So, did you enjoy that?”

“I can’t wait to get you out of here,” Sid whispers back. “I am going to show you some serious grinding, baby boy.”

Jamie sits back, grinning from ear-to-ear, looking rather pleased with himself.

\---------------------------------------------------------

A while later, Jamie and Sid, and most of the others make their way over to the Marriot, where a lot of the out-of-town guests are staying.  They say their good nights to all and head to the suite they booked for the night.  Once they get in the door, Sid pushes Jamie up against the wall and starts kissing his neck.

“So, Mr. Crosby, was today everything you wanted it to be,” he asked, kissing up the line of Jamie’s neck, before sucking on his earlobe.

“Say that again.”  Jamie murmured, pushing his hips against Sid.

“Mr. Crosby.” Sid repeated. “You like the way that sounds, do you?”

“Yeah, I do.  And today was better than I could have ever dreamed it would be, and tonight,” Jamie moaned into Sid’s hair as Sid went to work on his neck again, nipping at the skin and sucking gently.  “tonight is going to be even better, too.  I love you, Sidney Crosby.”

“I love you, Jamie Crosby.”


	57. Hat Trick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After they’d taken another shower to clean up, they laid in bed talking about the wedding.  Jamie was stretched out against Sid’s side, head on Sid’s chest.  Sid had his arm around Jamie, and was brushing his fingers through Jamie’s damp hair.  
> “Wow, I am so wasted right now,” Jamie declared as he planted kisses on Sid’s chest.  “Thank you for today, and tonight.  It’s been pretty great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to go right to Disney, but decided that we needed the wedding night... so sorry it took me so long to post this update... I hope it's not anti-climactic after the wedding (pun totally intended)...
> 
> The honeymoon should be posted a lot quicker... thanks as always for reading...

_A while later, Jamie and Sid, and most of the others make their way over to the Marriot, where a lot of the out-of-town guests are staying.  They say their good nights to all and head to the suite they booked for the night.  Once they get in the door, Sid pushes Jamie up against the wall and starts kissing his neck._

_"_ _So, Mr. Crosby, was today everything you wanted it to be,” he asked, kissing up the line of Jamie’s neck, before sucking on his earlobe._

_“Say that again.”  Jamie murmured, pushing his hips against Sid._

_“Mr. Crosby.” Sid repeated. “You like the way that sounds, do you?”_

_“Yeah, I do.  And today was better than I could have ever dreamed it would be, and tonight,” Jamie moaned into Sid’s hair as Sid went to work on his neck again, nipping at the skin and sucking gently.  “tonight is going to be even better, too.  I love you, Sidney Crosby.”_

_“I love you, Jamie Crosby.”_

Jamie tried to slither his hands inside Sid’s jacket, but Sid grabbed Jamie’s wrists and pinned them against the wall next to Jamie’s head.  He worked his way up Jamie’s neck again, then along his jaw, leaving a trail of wet kisses.  Jamie turned into the kiss when Sid’s lips finally found his, letting Sid’s tongue slip past his parted lips.  Jamie might be taller, but Sid could make him feel caged in and Jamie loved that. 

Sid released Jamie’s lips, pulling back just enough that his lips could still brush against Jamie’s as he spoke.  “So, I was thinking that we might start with a shower?”

Jamie’s eyes had been closed, he slowly opened them and raised an eyebrow.  “Shower?”

“Well yeah, I’m thinking squeaky clean fun…”

Jamie didn’t let Sid finish before he pushed him off and started stripping out of his suit, “Well don’t just stand there, Sid.  Shower time, baby.  I am definitely in need of some squeaky clean fun.”

Since the anniversary of their first time together, when Sid had surprised Jamie by rimming him, something Sid had never done before and had you asked Jamie before that day, something Sid would never do, Sid had in fact liked it and done it a few more times.  He liked doing it best when Jamie had just gotten out of the shower, because Sid, being Sid, had looked it up and found numerous references for the need to be ‘squeaky clean’ back there.  So unlike Jamie, who could and often did just do it whenever he had Sid’s ass spread in front of him, Sid did it only under certain conditions., so if he was offering now, Jamie was not letting that opportunity slip away. 

When Sid didn’t move right away, Jamie reached out and started tugging at Sid’s jacket.  “Um, let’s not dilly-dally here, Sid.  Naked baby.”

“I thought I’d make this a little more, oh I don’t know, romantic.  Sexy. Whatever.”

Jamie gave Sid a strange look as Sid brushed Jamie’s hand off his jacket and stepped closer to his new husband. 

“I thought it would be nice,” Sid reached out and unbuttoned the top button of Jamie’s vest.  “If I took my time.” He undid the next button.  “And enjoyed getting you naked.”

Jamie grasped Sid’s wrists and pushed them down, then he guided Sid to the edge of the bed and had him sit down.  “Okay, then since you enjoyed my little show with Segs, how bout I give you another one?”

Jamie stepped back and started swaying his hips, his fingers working at the buttons of his vest.  When he had it undone, he went to work on the buttons of his shirt, carefully unbuttoning each one slowly.  His cufflinks were long gone, given back to Brian at some point during the reception when Jamie had wanted to roll his sleeves up. 

”You need music,” Sid commented, his eyes fixed on Jamie as he undid the buttons of his own vest.

Jamie’s holding the material of his shirt as it gaps open in the front.  He pulls the material back, flashing some skin at Sid, before turning his back to him.  He shrugged his shoulder, letting the material of his shirt slip down his arm as he looked back at Sid over his shoulder.  He starts to snap his hips back and forth in a steady rhythm.

 _“The lights are on, but you’re not home…”_  Jamie starts to sing.  _“Your mind is not your own…”_

He pulls his shirt back up, spinning around slowly to face Sid again, his eyes locked on Sid’s.  His hands go from his shirt to his vest, pulling it off, dragging the material down his back slowly.

 _“Your body sweats, your body shakes,”_ he tosses the vest onto the bed next to Sid, _“Another kiss is what it takes.”_

Sid undoes his tie, and slips it off, then he shrugs out of his jacket and vest, his eyes intently glued on the show in front of him.  Jamie runs his hands over his own chest, one hand gradually working its way down to palm over the front of his pants.  With a flick of his fingers, Jamie has the snap undone and he slowly unzips his pants.

 _“You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, there’s no doubt, you’re in deep.”_   Jamie rocks his hips, gradually moving so he has his back to Sid again.  He hooks his thumbs into the waistband, bending over, arching his back, and wiggling his ass at Sid.

 _“Your throat is tight, you can’t breathe,”_ Jamie straightens and pulls his pants down so that the waistband rides just below his ass.

“Nice,” Sid murmurs.  “I see you dressed appropriately.” 

Sid smirked as he took in the view before him, Jamie’s bare ass, framed by the straps of a black and gold jock.  

“Dress for the wedding,” Jamie hummed, shimmying the rest of the way out of his pants, “and the wedding night.”

Sid couldn’t take any more, he stood up and crowded up behind Jamie as he stood up, his hands clasping onto Jamie’s hips and pulling him back.  Sid slid one arm around Jamie and held him tight, mimicking the way Tyler had held Jamie during their dance.  Sid ground his hips against Jamie, who pushed back into Sid.

“God, I love you,” Sid whispered into Jamie’s ear.  His hand slid down Jamie’s abs and palmed his cock through the soft material of the jock strap.  “Fuck the shower.”

“Oh no,” Jamie protested, trying to step away from Sid.  “You aren’t getting out of giving my ass some proper attention, Crosby.”

We’ll get there, just not quite yet.”  Sid pulled Jamie back to him and guided him to the bed.  “Come here.”

Sid turned Jamie around and pushed him down onto his back on the bed, and Jamie scooted up so that he could lay his head on a pillow, keeping his eyes on Sid and he finished stripping out of his suit.  Sid then crawled up on the bed and straddled Jamie’s legs, bending down to plant kisses on Jamie’s abs. 

Sid licked his way down to the band of Jamie’s jock, then pressed his lips against the outline of Jamie’s cock through the soft material.  Gently, he mouthed at the tip, parting his lips and blowing warm, moist air through the material, feeling Jamie getting hard.  When Sid slid his hands under Jamie’s ass as he continued to mouth at his cock, squeezing and massaging, Jamie’s hips jerked.  His body torn between thrusting up to meet Sid’s mouth or to press down against his hands, short gasps came from Jamie’s lips between pleas to Sid for more.

Sid took the waistband of Jamie’s jock in his teeth and tugged it down, freeing Jamie’s cock at last from the restraining material.  No sooner does he have it free than Sid traps Jamie’s cock with his mouth, pushing it up against Jamie’s body so he can lick up and down the shaft.  Jamie swears under his breath.

“Fuck, Sid, come on already.” He squirms underneath Sid, his legs held down by Sid’s weight. 

In response, Sid takes the tip of Jamie’s cock between his lips and licks at the slit for a few seconds before sealing his lips around it and taking the whole length into his mouth.  Jamie moans low from the back of his throat as Sid starts working his mouth up and down the firm shaft, alternating between sucking and pressing his tongue against the underside.  His hands kneading the firm, round flesh of Jamie’s ass while pulling Jamie’s hips up to meet the downward slide of his mouth.

“Sid, please,” Jamie moans.  “Not gonna be able to…”

Sid hums around Jamie’s cock, pressing his lips tighter so he can pull up on it.  He knows Jamie is close, so he brings one hand around and wraps it around the base of Jamie’s cock, then starts stroke up and down, firm and fast.  Jamie’s grabs a handful of hair as he holds Sid’s head, bucking his hips up into Sid’s mouth.

“Fuck, Sid.  Fuck.” Jamie’s body curls up as he tenses and comes in Sid’s mouth, shuddering as spasms of pleasure rock through him.

Sid holds him in his mouth until he’s spent, releasing him finally with a satisfying pop.  He looks up at Jamie and licks his lips.  “That’s one.”

“Jesus.  One?”  Jamie lays back, panting heavily.  “Fuck.  I’m done.” 

When Jamie had been better, before, his appetite had been well, insatiable.  That had changed over the course of things, and it had been a while since they’d had a night with multiple go rounds.  But, Jamie over the last month or so, Jamie had seemingly found his appetite again.  And well, Sid was pretty much counting on it tonight.  Just as the day had been all about Jamie, Sid planned on the wedding night being all about Jamie, too. 

“Nope.  I don’t think so,” Sid sat up and then climbed off Jamie and the bed.  He grabbed Jamie’s hand and pulled him up.  “Shirt.  Jock.  Shower.”

Sid left Jamie standing there to finish stripping as he walked into the bathroom.  He turned on the water, adjusting the temperature, then stepped into the shower and waited for Jamie to join him.  They spent time enjoying the warm water, kissing lazily as they soaped each other up, washed their hair, and rinsed off.  Finally, Sid took Jamie by the shoulders and turned him around.  Jamie leaned forward against the wall of the shower and spread his legs slightly as Sid squatted down.

Sid ran his hands over Jamie’s ass, admiring the tight muscle.  Everyone said Sid had a spectacular hockey ass, but Jamie’s was pretty fine as well.  Sid kissed the wet skin just at the top of the crease as his fingers found their way in between the round cheeks and spread them apart.  Sid licked a slow trail down the crack towards Jamie’s hole, pink and puckering with anticipation. 

He slowly let his tongue circle around the rim, just the tip touching Jamie.  Sid flicked his tongue across the opening next, rapid little licks that he’d learned sent warm sensations right to Jamie’s cock.  He knew it was working when Jamie reached down and started stroking himself.  Sid took that as a sign to keep going, Jamie in fact wasn’t done for the night yet.

Sid covered the opening with his mouth, kissing and sucking tenderly, his tongue poking at the tight muscle.  Jamie arched his back, pushing his ass back at Sid. 

“Mmmmm… jesus, Sid.” He mumbled.  “You could do that forever.”

“Need to change positions a little then,” he stated, pulling his mouth of Jamie.  

He turned off the water and pulled the shower curtain back.  They stepped out, grabbed a couple of towels and did a quick pat dry, then Sid took Jamie by the hand and led him back out to the bed.  Jamie got on his hands and knees, with his feet dangling over the edge of the bed.  Sid pulled a pillow out from under the bedspread and handed it to Jamie, who hugged it and dropped down so his shoulders rested on the bed and his ass was in the air.  Jamie reached back and spread his ass open, presenting a beautiful view for Sid.

Sid leaned over and licked a long, wet strip down Jamie’s spine, making his skin tingle and causing him arch his back even more.  Sid licked all the way down until his mouth found Jamie’s hole again and he kissed at the opening.  This time, he let his tongue press in against the taut circle.  He pursed his lips, brushed them over the hole teasingly, pressed them against it, lapped at it with his tongue, and sucked until it was wet and glistening and Jamie’s hips were trembling under his touch. 

Sid tapped the inside of Jamie’s thighs to get him to spread his legs a wider, then he reached between them and took Jamie’s hard cock into his hand, the tip wet with precome.  Sid let his other hand rest next to his face, letting his finger tip rub over Jamie’s hole next to his tongue.  Slowly, he pushed his tongue against the rim, then his finger as well, until the tip of his finger popped past the muscle rim.  When he was in past the second joint, he wiggled his finger, which brought out more moans from Jamie, a bit louder than before.

Sid licked fervently around against the muscle clenched around his finger as he kept working it in and out of Jamie, his other hand stroking faster and faster up and down Jamie’s cock.  Jamie had his face buried in the pillow, but Sid could hear the spew of ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’ coming from Jamie.  Sid slid a second finger in alongside the first, stretching Jamie wider.  Jamie tried to push his hips back onto Sid’s fingers, which caused Sid to lose his rhythm with his hand on Jamie’s cock.

“Fuck,” he mumbled, adjusting his grip so Jamie could control the pace.  “There you go, baby boy.  Fuck yourself for me.  Come on, that’s it.”

Jamie rocked his hips back and forth, fucking his ass back onto Sid’s fingers and fucking his cock into the tunnel of Sid’s hand.  Sid pulled his head back so he could take in the site of his fingers pushing in and out of Jamie.  His own cock was getting achingly hard, looking for relief. 

“That’s it, Jame, come for me.  Come on, baby boy.”  Sid murmured.  “Fuck.”

“Sid,” Jamie turned his head so he was sure Sid could hear him, “need.  Sid, please.”

Sid tightened his grip, closing his hand over the head of Jamie’s cock as Jamie stopped rocking his hips, the slight pressure being what he needed to send him over the edge.  He came into Sidney’s hand in several hard, long spurts while Sid kept his fingers working in Jamie’s ass.  Sid felt Jamie’s body shudder, his hole clenching tight, then Jamie’s body went lax and he collapsed onto his side on the bed.

“Oh, holy fuck,” he muttered, breathing heavily again.  “Okay.  Seriously, I’m done.  Jesus.”

Sid left Jamie to walk to the bathroom, coming back with a damp towel, wiping off his hand before cleaning up Jamie.

“My turn,” Sid smirked, when he took Jamie’s knee and pulled at it until Jamie rolled over on his back.

“Do whatever, just don’t expect me to do much but lay here at this point,” Jamie retorted.

Sid pulled Jamie’s hips to his, and hitched Jamie’s legs up over his shoulders.  Unlike most of the guys Sid had ever been with, who didn’t like getting fucked after they had already come, Jamie liked this part no matter when he got it, before, after, or during.  Sid lined the head of his cock up with Jamie’s hole and pushed in slowly. 

“Fuck,” Jamie whispered.

Sid sank in, inch by inch until his entire length was enveloped in Jamie’s ass.  Carefully, deliberately, he rolled his hips, grinding them against Jamie, his hands holding Jamie’s hips firmly.  Jamie reached up, his hands finding Sid’s arms, his fingers digging into Sid’s biceps.

“Fuck.  Come on, Sid.  Just fuck me.”

“Thought that’s what I was doing.”  Sid folded his body over so he could kiss Jamie’s mouth, shutting off Jamie’s pleas.  He kept his hips moving, grinding unhurriedly into Jamie, while Jamie made a low whining noise into his mouth.

“Please, Sid,” Jamie begged when Sid let his mouth glide over to Jamie’s jaw and then down the line of his neck.  Sid kissed lightly, stopping over Jamie’s collarbone to suck a dark mark onto the skin.

It took all of Sid’s energy at this point to focus on not coming right away, despite what his cock was thinking.  He was again counting on Jamie’s rather quick refractory period and 20-year-old’s libido tonight, and if he could just take his time and draw this out a little bit, well…

Sid rocked his hips back, letting himself slip out of Jamie who groaned in protest.  Sid lifted his hips up so that his cock slid next to Jamie’s, then he pressed down, working their hips together.  Sid let Jamie drop his legs down to encircle his waist.  Jamie crossed his ankles to hook his legs together and let them rest against Sid’s back.

Sid took his time, rubbing their hips together, giving his cock just enough stimulation and pressure to take the blinding need away.  He sucked several more marks onto Jamie’s collarbone, before moving on to his shoulder and neck.  Sid placed soft, little kisses along Jamie’s jaw, then his cheeks, moving up to kiss along his forehead and down the bridge of his nose.  Little pecks, just brushing his lips lightly against Jamie’s flushed skin.  Jamie sighed contentedly as Sid brought his mouth back to Jamie’s eventually, for more slow, languid kissing. 

After several minutes, Sid let his mouth work its way back across Jamie’s cheek to nibble gently on an earlobe.

“I know what you’re doing,” Jamie whispered into Sid’s ear. 

“What?” Sid answered, trying to sound innocent.  “Just taking my time and making love to my husband.”

“Uh huh.  Sure.”

“So, is it working?”

“Mmmm… maybe.” Jamie hummed. 

Sid straightened, pulling his hips back so he could line himself up with Jamie’s opening again.  This time he pushed in a little faster, starting a steady in and out rhythm right away.  He watched Jamie’s cock, not completely flaccid, but not hard either.  He hooked his arms under Jamie’s knees and pushed Jamie’s legs up and back, rolling Jamie’s hips up off the bed to change the angle of Sid’s thrusts.

“Oh fuck you.” Jamie grunted out.  “Fuck.”

Sid pushed in deep and held his cock there for a couple of seconds before pulling out slowly and sliding back in slowly, he knew the minute he found Jamie’s prostrate as Jamie’s breath hitched and he reached up to frantically grab at Sid’s arms again.

“Fuck.” Jamie swore.  “Damn you.”

“Now is that anyway to thank me, guess I’ll just have to do it again.”  Sid goaded Jamie, slipping out and this time thrusting in harder.

“Oh fucking god. Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.”  Jamie gasped as Sid thrust in, the head of his cock rubbing over Jamie’s prostrate several times.  Sid glanced down, watching Jamie’s cock twitch every time as well.

Sid started thrusting his hips faster then, snapping them back and forth, with short rapid thrusts.

“Fuck yeah.  Harder, Sid.”

Jamie reached down, taking his own cock in his hand and stroking it hard and fast, in pace with Sid’s thrusts. 

“Come… on… baby… boy…” Sid stuttered out.  “One… more…”

Jamie tipped his head back and closed his eyes, working his cock in his hand, rolling his palm over the tip every couple of strokes.  Sid was close to going over the edge, but was trying to hold off until he got Jamie there one more time. 

“Sid.  Fuck.  Gonna.”  Jamie cried out, his body tensing as he came again.  It wasn’t as much or as hard as he had the first two times, but Sid felt pretty satisfied that he had. 

When Jamie came, his ass tightened around Sid’s cock, and Sid let himself go, thrusting deep and hard into Jamie as he came himself, his warm fluid filling Jamie.  He drove in hard a few more times as his orgasm sent spasms through his body.  Once they were both spent, Sid collapsed next to Jamie on the bed.

After they’d taken another shower to clean up, they laid in bed talking about the wedding.  Jamie was stretched out against Sid’s side, head on Sid’s chest.  Sid had his arm around Jamie, and was brushing his fingers through Jamie’s damp hair.

“Wow, I am so wasted right now,” Jamie declared as he planted kisses on Sid’s chest.  “Thank you for today, and tonight.  It’s been pretty great.”

“I guess I’d have to agree, considering I got the hat trick tonight.” Sid smirked.

“Yeah, you did,” Jamie quipped.  “God, we haven’t gone like that in forever.”

Jamie lifted his head, looking up at Sid, “Wedding night sex is the best sex ever.”

“Really?  Earlier this week birthday sex was the best sex.” 

Jamie laid his head back down, “It was.”

“And you told me once that first time sex was the best sex.”

“It was."

“Uh huh.  And let me see, you’ve told me that make up sex was the best sex, Stanley Cup sex was the best sex, point streak celebration sex was the best sex, and in addition to birthday sex this past week, bridal shower and bachelor party sex were both the best sex.”

“You going somewhere with this?”  Jamie parted his lips and pressed his mouth against Sid’s skin, sucking hard.

Sid hitched his breath in, “I just think you like sex.  Every time you have sex is the best sex to you.” 

Jamie pulled off, letting his mouth make a soft popping noise as he did.  “Yep,” he murmured, “I like sex.  Doesn’t seem to be a problem for you, either, that I do.” Jamie added sarcastically.

“Look, I wasn’t complaining.  I was just making an observation.  You have a lot of best sexes ever.”

“So, okay.  Do you have a best sex ever?  Just one?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact I do have just one.”

Jamie tipped his head again, taking in Sid’s face, his eyes dark and possessive as he stared down at Jamie.  Sid’s cheeks slightly flushed from the shower, dark curls clinging to his forehead, lips red and moist.  God how Jamie loved him like this.  “So, Mr. Crosby.  What is your best sex ever then?  Do tell?”

“You.  You’re my best sex ever.”


	58. We're Going to Disney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This has all been pretty amazing.” Jamie muses.  “Thank you.”  
> “Glad you’ve had a good week.  I can’t believe we’ve been married a whole week already.”  
> “Happy Anniversary, Mr. Crosby.”  Jamie leaned down and gave Sid a quick kiss.  
> “Happy Anniversary, Mr. Crosby.”  Sid responded back to Jamie.

The partying didn’t stop following the reception, Sunday morning they met family and friends in a large banquet hall at the hotel for a brunch buffet put on by the team.  Then on Monday, Mario and Nathalie hosted a 30th birthday party for Sid at their home.  They hadn’t slowed down since Friday night, and other than their actual wedding night, hadn’t had much time alone.  By the time they left for the honeymoon, they were both looking forward to getting to just be by themselves for a while.

When Sid had announced to the world that they would be going to Disney for their honeymoon, way back when they won the cup in 2016, Jamie had asked him if he really meant it.  Sid had eagerly told him yes, that’s where they would go.  Sid had one condition, though, that Jamie couldn’t look up anything online or plan anything.  Sid would be in charge of everything, so that it would be a surprise for Jamie.  Jamie’s one condition was that they could only do things that any regular people could do, no VIP special treatment, no private behind-the-scene tours, no being in a parade, nothing but the regular tourist stuff.  They both agreed to the other’s condition. 

Tuesday morning, they flew to Florida and checked in at Walt Disney World.  Jamie was pretty impressed with the Polynesian Resort Bungalow Sid had booked them into for the week.  He told Jamie he thought it would kind of remind him of the island villa and they’d have the privacy of having basically their own house for their honeymoon.  There was a king size bed, a walk-in shower and separate extra-large tub, a full kitchen, and a deck on the lake side complete with a small plunge pool.  They’d be able to take the monorail to the park every day, which was a plus Jamie thought.

When Jamie stepped into the bungalow he was met with a surprise right off the bat, a life-size Mickey Mouse cut-out welcoming them to the park.  He gave Sid a perturbed look.

“Anyone can get this, I swear,” Sid told him.

“Right.”  Jamie smirked, looking around.  “I’m sure the standard package comes with black and gold flowers.”  He spots the banner hanging across the wall.  “And a sign that says congratulations Sidney and Jamie Crosby.”

“Well, okay.  So maybe there was just a little VIP treatment going on.”  Sid replied sheepishly.

It was mostly true, Sid thought.  There were special in-room celebrations that people could get, but he had in fact pulled some strings to do more than that for Jamie, or at least make it more personal, and the park had happily obliged.  What it meant was that instead of roses and other flowers, there were several carnation arrangements everywhere, and extra chocolates, and champagne instead of just wine.  It wasn’t that much different than what everyone else could get, Sid reasoned.

They spent their first afternoon exploring Fantasyland and Cinderella’s castle, which warranted a walk-through before the boys wandered up Main Street, U.S.A.  They stopped in a couple of shops, and despite Sid’s protests, Jamie bought personalized Mouseketeer hats, for both of them.  And he made Sid wear it.

“We are doing all the stupid tourist shit, Sid.  Live with it.” He’d informed Sid with a flash of the puppy dog eyes.  “You promised me we could.”

That was all it took.  That and the huge grin on Jamie’s face and bright, happy green eyes looking at him.  Those eyes would forever be Sid’s undoing in their relationship.  They hit up a few of the more famous rides, the Seven Dwarf’s Mind train, the Mad Tea Party, and of course, Jamie made Sid ride It’s A Small World.

“I hate you,” Sid bemoaned as they walked out of that ride.  “Now I’m going to have that song stuck in my head.”

“We need to ride again!”  Jamie grabbed his arm and pulled him back to get in line again.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Wednesday meant Adventureland.  First stop was the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, which had Jamie singing pirate songs to Sid all morning, as they also did the Jungle Cruise and the Swiss Family Treehouse, which Jamie informed Sid was not built with a six foot four hockey player in mind. 

Jamie decided that the best part of Adventureland was the Enchanted Tiki Room.  He dragged Sid back three times so that he could learn the words to the song they sang at the beginning.  They decided that Pierre, the French bird, reminded them of Flower, same sense of humor.

“In the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki room,” Jamie sang as he sat straddling Sid’s hips that night.  Sid was on his back on their bed.  “All the birds sing words and the flowers croon, in the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki room.”

“You like that song way too much.  Isn’t there something else you can sing?”  Sid bemoaned.

“I can always sing, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small world…”

Sid reached up and covered Jamie’s mouth with his hand.

“No.”

“Okay then, don’t complain.” Jamie chuckled.

“Today was a good day, I take it.”  Sid ran his hands up and down Jamie’s thighs.

“Today was a good day.”  He leaned down and kissed Sid.  “So far you are doing well with our honeymoon.”

\----------------------------------------------------------

The only thing Jamie seemed interested in at Tomorrowland was Space Mountain.  Sid thought it was okay, just another rollercoaster.  He liked the Carousel of Progress, seeing all the changes in household stuff over the years.  They did some more shopping during the morning, getting some t-shirts, sweats, and gifts for family and friends. 

Late afternoon found them in Frontierland, where they found a lot of things that they liked.  The first ride they took in was the Haunted Mansion, Sid was amazed Jamie only wanted to go on it once, he thought it was fun, so he dragged Jamie back for a second ride.

The two places both of them loved were the Hall of Presidents and the Country Bear Jamboree.  History buff Sid was entranced at the Hall of Presidents, and Jamie couldn’t get over how realistic it was.  They went back four times, finding something new to watch and talk about each time.  The Country Bear Jamboree had the same impact and warranted multiple visits as well.  Sid didn’t mind, he loved seeing Jamie laughing and singing along when the audience got to participate.

For their last thing on Thursday, they went on Splash Mountain.  Standing in line, there was a young woman and her son.  The little boy, who just made the height limit, looked scared to death.  His mother kept reassuring him, looking at Sid and Jamie a couple of times and saying that he didn’t like rollercoasters.  She kept telling him it wasn’t like a normal rollercoaster ride, but he seemed very scared.  The closer they got to getting on, the more upset the boy got. 

He was almost crying when they got to the ride, they would be on the next log to load.  The mom, looking exasperated, finally took his hand and started to leave the line.  “Okay, Scotty.  I’m sorry,” she turned to Jamie and went to step past him to the exit.  “Excuse us please.”

“Hey,” Jamie stopped her and squatted down to the boy’s level, “I’m not so sure about this ride either. My name’s Jamie.  This is Sid.” Jamie stuck his hand out and the boy shook it, looking at him cautiously.  “Tell you what.  If you’re mom says it’s okay, how about I sit with you and she sits with Sid.  We can keep each other from being scared, would that work?”

He stood back up and turned around to talk to his mom, taking off his hat and sunglasses, he saw her eyes light up all of the sudden.  So far, they hadn’t been recognized as far as they knew, at least no one had approached them.  With their dark glasses and backwards snapbacks, they just looked like a couple of young guys on vacation, blending in with the rest of the tourists.

“Oh my god.” she exclaimed, she turned to Sidney.  “You have got to be kidding me.  You, you’re… oh my god.”

The boy looked up at Sidney and suddenly his whole face was beaming.  “You’re Sidney Crosby!” he blurted out.  “And you’re Jamie Marsh!”

“Scotty, ssshhh…. Not so loud.” His mom admonished him, but it was too late, they’d drawn the attention of several others in line.

“I’m sorry.” She apologized profusely for blowing their cover.

Just then, the next set of logs came up and they needed to get on the ride.  Jamie sat with Scotty and Sid sat with his mom, Courtney.  Jamie kept talking to Scotty as they got ready to go.  The whole ride he laughed and kidded with the boy, who couldn’t stop smiling as he looked at the hockey player sitting next to him.

When they got off the ride, several people who had heard who they were filtered off as well and the boys spent some time signing autographs and taking selfies.  Then they spent some time talking to Courtney and Scotty, who it seems were displaced Pittsburghers.  They had moved to Florida a year ago, when Courtney and Scotty’s dad had finally gotten married, he had a gotten a job in Kissimmee doing construction work.

Courtney had been promising Scotty a trip to Disney since they arrived, and had only just now been able to get the money to bring him.  They were spending a couple of days.  She couldn’t get over running into the two Penguins at Disney World of all places.  She used to go to the games, she told them and she and Scotty loved watching the games together when they could get them live streamed.

The boys spent a couple of hours with Scotty and his mom riding rides.  Before they parted ways, Sid insisted on taking them shopping.  He bought them each a Disney shirt which he and Jamie autographed for them.  Scotty had it clutched to his chest as he walked away, he kept turning and waving until the boys were out of sight.

“That was fun,” Jamie bumped his hip against Sid’s as they walked back to catch the monorail to their resort. 

“Yeah it was,” Sid agreed.  “We need to come back with our kids.”

Jamie grinned and took Sid’s hand, lacing their fingers together.  “I like that idea.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sid rolled over and stretched his arm out, expecting to be laying it over Jamie.  He sat up with a jolt when his arm came down on the empty bed next to him.

“Jame?” he called, but got no answer.  He got up, quickly pulled on a pair of shorts and went looking for Jamie.  He found him sitting on a lounge chair out on the deck.  Sid wasn’t sure what time it was, but it was still dark outside.

“What’s wrong?”  he asked, sitting down next to Jamie’s out-stretched legs, letting his hand rest on Jamie’s thigh.

“Had a bad dream.  Couldn’t get back to sleep.” 

“Why didn’t you get me up?”  Sid stood and made Jamie move so he could sit down behind him and Jamie repositioned himself so he was sitting between Sid’s legs.  He leaned back against Sid’s chest as Sid enveloped him in his arms.

“Didn’t want to bother you.”  Jamie sighed as he settled in against Sid. 

“Never a bother.”  Sid kissed Jamie’s temple.  “Want to tell me about it?”

“It was about my dad.”  Jamie said softly.  “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Okay, baby boy.  Close your eyes, then, and try to go back to sleep for a while.”

Sid let his fingertips trace little circles and patterns on Jamie’s arm as they laid there until he felt Jamie’s breath even out and knew he’d fallen back asleep.  Sid stayed awake, though, holding Jamie for the couple of hours he slept until the sun came up.

Sid had been expecting this.  The past week had been filled with too much activity.  Too many people.  Too much stress.  After what Kris told him about Jamie, about taking his pills to Kris on the Wednesday before the wedding.  About how Jamie was struggling with things leading up to the wedding.  Sid hoped this episode passed quickly. 

They got up and Sid fixed them breakfast, then they took a shower.  Jamie wanted to fool around, so Sid indulged him and they spent the morning in bed.  That afternoon they went over to the park and took in the parade down Main Street. 

Jamie told Sid he wanted to get a picture with Tigger, his favorite character growing up.  When Tigger came by, they got him to stop and take a selfie.  They had to take two because Tigger stuck his paws over Jamie’s face when they went to take the first one.  Jamie couldn’t quit laughing about it.

They decided not to do anything else, Sid figuring Jamie could really just use some more quiet time, so they went back to the bungalow and lounged around on the deck and in the pool.  For dinner, they had reservations for the Spirit of Aloha dinner show at the resort.  Sid may have pulled a few more strings and gotten them a private table for two next to the stage. 

The show was great.  The food was great.  Watching Jamie relax and enjoy himself was the greatest.  What had started out as a potentially not so good day had turned out to be okay.  Sid racked it up as a win.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sid saved what he thought Jamie would like the most for Saturday, their last full day at the park. 

“So.  You really didn’t go looking up things to do?”  He asked as they sat eating breakfast.

“No.  I told you I wouldn’t” Jamie eyed Sid suspiciously.  “Why?  What do you have planned for today?”

“Well, I thought we’d go over to the Animal Kingdom today.  Looked like some fun stuff to do over there.  See the tree of life, a river rapids ride, some other stuff.”

“Okay.  Sounds like fun.”  Jamie smiled.  “I’m having a great time.  This has been the best honeymoon, Sid.”

“Oh, and they may have this little, um, dinosaur exhibit.” 

“There is?”  Jamie couldn’t keep a straight face any longer.

“You fucker, you looked stuff up.”

“Well, of course I did.” Jamie laughed.  “I’ve been waiting for you to say we were going over there.  Jesus, I thought you weren’t going to take me to see it.”

“Well, okay then, I don’t feel so guilty for what else I have planned for today.  We’re getting a private, behind the scenes tour of all the dino stuff.”

Jamie stopped laughing and stared at Sid, “No way.  Seriously?”

“But, you know, if you really don’t want any special treatment.”

“Fuck that.  Yeah, baby.  Dino-day it is!”

Jamie was pretty much in his glory all day.  They were met by one of the imagineers who gave them their behind the scenes tour, showing them how all the animatronics worked.  Then Jamie made Sid ride the Dinosaur ride several times, because as with every other ride, you saw something different every time. 

They saw the Dino-Sue replica of a nearly complete T-Rex fossil skeleton. Then spent the rest of the day playing arcade games and shopping at Chester and Hester’s Dino-Rama, where they also took a spin on the Primeval Whirl.  Jamie, again, smiled and laughed all day, which made Sid happy.

That night, they sat on the deck of their bungalow and watched the fireworks set off over the park.  This time it is Sid sitting between Jamie’s legs, his head resting on Jamie’s chest.  Jamie has his legs wrapped around Sid’s waist and is running his fingers through Sid’s hair.

“This has all been pretty amazing.” Jamie muses.  “Thank you.”

“Glad you’ve had a good week.  I can’t believe we’ve been married a whole week already.”

“Happy Anniversary, Mr. Crosby.”  Jamie leaned down and gave Sid a quick kiss.

“Happy Anniversary, Mr. Crosby.”  Sid responded back to Jamie.

“I wish we didn’t have to go home tomorrow.  Back to reality.”  Jamie sighed.

“Well, about that.  We may not be going home tomorrow.”

“Are we staying here for a few more days?  That would be cool.  Thinking I’d like to do more of the Animal Kingdom.”

“Um, no, wasn’t planning on staying here.”

“Then what?”  Jamie asked, confused for a moment, then it came to him.  “Wait.  Are we going down to the island?”

“I thought maybe, we’d take another week off and spend some time really by ourselves.  You up to just laying around all day and soaking up some sun?”

“I knew there was a reason I married you!  You have the best ideas, Crosby.”  Jamie stated, hugging Sid tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for staying with me... I know there was a bit of a delay in getting this posted from when I thought I'd have it up. Things in my life are a bit stressed right now. My Uncle, my mom's only sibling, has stage 4 acute leukemia and is in a hospice facility, he was diagnosed just before Christmas, he's 82, Mom is 84. It hasn't been good this past week. I drive her over most days, 45 minutes one-way if the weather is good, and we've had some crappy weather this past week. I was able to write while I was there with her and they visited, but had no internet to do research. Some days it was easier to just bang out 1,500 words on my other WIP and get it up. But writing Jamie/Sid is my love and has been my stress relief for the last year. So I would rather take my time and have a lag here than post stuff I'm not happy with. With that being said... here's the first part of the honeymoon. I am not unhappy with it, but I don't know... hope it meets your expectations...
> 
> As always, thanks for reading... and thanks for listening to my little share above... I really appreciate all the support I get from some friends I've made through my writing.. @genuinerisk @turva-auto @crazyj @heyheyhockeytown @killahconverse you guys mean a lot to me I hope you know...


	59. If I Let You See My Darkness, Will You Still Want Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m not mad.  I’m not.  I haven’t said anything because I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know what to say or do to make things better for you and that kills me.”  Sid dipped his head, his forehead against the top of Jamie’s shoulder.  “I knew you were struggling the week before the wedding because of what Tanger said.  But I had no idea that it was still so bad, that you were, that… fuck… I don’t want to lose you, and I’m so afraid of you doing something to hurt yourself, but I don’t know how to help you. Tell me what to do, tell me how to help you keep that darkness away.”  
> “I don’t know what to tell you, cause I have no fucking clue myself.” Jamie dropped his chin to his chest.  Sid felt Jamie’s whole body shudder, then Jamie continued.  “I’ve been thinking, about when we get back home.  I, maybe I should…” Jamie’s voice trailed off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have just about reached the point where I planned to wrap up this part of Jamie & Sid's Story... this chapter is again a tough one for some to read... Jamie finally opens up to Sid about things... 
> 
>  
> 
> Also, thank you everyone for the kind words, my uncle passed last Friday... we are all doing okay... it is just... going to be different without him...

Sunday afternoon Jamie sat and took in the island through the window as the small plane circled for their approach to the landing strip.  It was as beautiful as he remembered.  Once they landed, Mark and Jack helped them unpack all the supplies Sid had arranged for them to bring.  Jamie couldn’t get over that Sid had put all of this together without him knowing.

They loaded everything into the golf cart and drove to the villa.  After they’d unloaded everything, Jamie wandered in to the bedroom.  He came back out to the kitchen a few minutes later, carrying some papers in one hand and a large manila envelope in the other.

“Sidney.”  Jamie held the papers out towards Sid and threw the envelope down on the table.  “What the fuck?  Did you buy this island?”

“No.  I can say with all honesty, I did not buy this island.”  Sid asserted.  Jamie was about to protest, the apparent evidence in his hand, when Sid added, “I was going to, though.”

“What?”

“Wasn’t there a DVD in the envelope, too?  There was supposed to be a DVD.”

Jamie went back to the table and picked up the envelope, dumping out all of the contents.  A red envelope fell out on the table, Jamie recognized the handwriting on the front that said ‘For Baby Penguin’.  Alex.  Now he was really confused.  Cautiously, he opened it and pulled out the DVD inside.  They went into the living room, turned on the TV and put the DVD in the player.

He hit play and within a few seconds, Alex appeared on the screen.

_“Congratulations on your wedding Baby Penguin!” he bellowed.  “And you, also, Sidney.  I not forget you.  How lucky you get to marry favorite rookie and favorite Penguin.  Sssshhhh….”  Alex leaned forward towards the camera.  “Don’t tell Zhenya.  He still think he favorite Penguin.”_

Jamie chuckled, “Told you he liked me better than G.” 

Sid just groaned.

_“I tell Sidney he must take care of you or I will send Russian friends after him.  So he take you to my island.  Then he tell me how much you love my island after visit.  Is nice island, yes.  I’m sad I am not having time to go there more.  Sidney tell me he would buy island for you, but I have much better idea.  I am giving island to you for wedding gift.  Yes. Yes.  I know.  Is too much Sasha, you are saying.  But is not too much for baby Penguin.”_

“No way!” Jamie paused the video and turned to Sid.  “This is his island?”

“Well, it was.”  Sid shrugged.  “I tried to buy it but he insisted.  You know what he can be like.”

Jamie hit play again.

_“Welcome to Isla Crosby.  I am hoping you and Sidney have many happy years together on island!  Much love to you both.”_

Jamie turned off the video and stared at Sid, dumbstruck.

“He gave us the island.  As a wedding present.  A fucking island.”

“No.” Sid smirked, handing Jamie the papers.  “Look at the deed again.”

Jamie read over the document.  “Holy shit.”

“Yeah, he gave you the island.” Sid said, then added in his best Russian accent.  “Baby Penguin.”

“That fuckin’ Russian.” Jamie laughed.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Disney had been good.  Sid had managed to keep Jamie busy for the most part, so there wasn’t time for him to just think.  Maybe coming to the island after all the hoopla and excitement of the last week wasn’t a good idea after all.  Sid knew Jamie hadn’t slept well their first night on the island.  He’d found him out in the living room on his phone early Monday morning, talking to Kris.

When he’d gotten off the phone, Sid had asked him if everything was okay.  Jamie had nodded, but then locked himself in the bedroom for an hour while he talked to Janet.  By that afternoon, he still hadn’t talked to Sid about whatever was bothering him.  Sid was starting to feel that everything Jamie had said on their wedding day, about getting the ‘together’ part, was just him telling Sid what he thought Sid wanted to hear.  Again.

Monday afternoon, Jamie was napping on the bed swing while Sid was reading a book about the civil war.  Jamie was stretched out on his stomach next to Sid, one leg draped over Sidney’s thighs.  Sid felt Jamie’s leg twitch a few times.  Then he heard him mumbling something.

“No.  Please… Daddy… please.”

Sid reached over and brushed his fingers through Jamie’s hair.  “Ssshhh… it’s okay, baby boy.”

“No… no… please… please don’t say…” Jamie whimpered into the pillow.

“Jamie, wake up.”  Sid gently shook his shoulder.  “Come on, wake up, baby boy.  It’s okay.”

Jamie jerked awake, blinking several times, his eyes darting back and forth looking around.  “Sid?”

“You were having a bad dream.  It’s okay.”  Sid rubbed Jamie’s back.  “Do you know what you were dreaming about?  Want to talk about it?”

Jamie buried his face in the pillow for a few seconds, then pushed himself up and climbed off the bed.  “I’m gonna get something to eat.  You want something?”

Sid declined Jamie’s offer, then watched him walk down the porch and disappear into the villa.  When he didn’t come back out in a little bit, Sid went looking for him.  Jamie was in bed, a sheet pulled over his head, apparently sound asleep.  Sid watched him for a few minutes, then went back out to the bed swing.

Jamie didn’t get up for dinner, but just stayed in the bedroom.  Sid called Kris, then Janet.  Both assured him that Jamie was okay, that he’d just hit a wall after all the excitement.  Sid said he’d been worried it would happen, told them he thought it would have happened before now.  He talked to Kris about Jamie not talking, not talking to Sid that is.  Kris told him to have patience, something he knew was hard for Sid.

“He’ll tell you.  Trust in him.  He made a big step on the wedding day, admitting things to you, and everything.  Give him time to adjust and accept it, okay.”  Kris had advised Sid. 

Sid had reluctantly agreed.  Still, he felt that just when he thought things were moving forward, they’d taken another huge step backwards.  That night, Sid fell asleep on the couch.

He woke up when he heard Jamie calling out.  He scrambled off the couch and ran into the bedroom.  Jamie had his hands over his ears, his face buried between his arms.  He was curled up in a fetal position.

“No!  Don’t, please.  Please don’t say that.  Please.  Daddy!”  Jamie sobbed out the words.

Sid clambered onto the bed and draped his body over Jamie’s, using his weight, pushing down on Jamie, to try break Jamie out of whatever was happening, whether a dream or another flashback.  He kept talking, telling Jamie he was okay, that he was with him, that it wasn’t real, whatever Jamie was seeing and hearing in his head.  Jamie tried to roll away, but Sid caged him in against the mattress.

“No!  Please… Daddy… please!”  Jamie kept pleading.

It took Sid nearly thirty minutes to get Jamie to stop shaking.  Eventually, his body relaxed and the calling out became quiet sobbing.

“I’m here, baby boy.”  Sid repeated, trying to reach Jamie somehow.  “I’m here.”

Slowly Jamie became aware of his surroundings again, of where he was, of Sid’s presence, of what was happening.  Sid rolled down so he was pressed against Jamie’s back, sliding one arm underneath him and draping the other over Jamie’s shoulders so he could still hold on to him tightly.  Jamie let his arms drop away from his head, his hands finding Sid’s arms. 

“Can you tell me about it?” Sid asked.

Jamie took a few deep breaths, trying to get his breathing under control.  “C..c…can’t… I can’t…” he got out between hitched breathes.  “Please, Sid… I can’t…”

“Jamie, let me help.  Please.” Sid whispered against the back of Jamie’s neck, kissing him lightly, trying to comfort him.

He waited another twenty minutes or so before Jamie had finally stopped crying all together. 

“It was about your father, wasn’t it?  You kept yelling no and saying daddy.”  Sid said when he thought Jamie was calmed down enough.  “Was it about his suicide?”

“No.” Jamie said softly.  “It wasn’t about that.”

“Can you tell me?”

There was a moment of silence during which Jamie’s body tensed and Sid thought he would pull away from him again.  He heard Jamie sigh.

“Most nights I thought he was just asleep, now I know he was passed out drunk when I’d come home from hockey.  Dad, Bill, would drop me off.  A lot of the time he’d leave me with a dinner that Mom, Jean, had fixed.  There was always enough for him, too.”

Jamie paused, taking a couple of deep breaths and letting them out slowly.  Sid reached up and brushed the hair off Jamie’s forehead, slowly combing his fingers through Jamie’s hair then.

“I came home one night and he was awake, so I fixed him his plate and took it to him in our front room.  He was sitting in his chair eating.  I was just standing there, next to the chair, watching him.  He never talked to me, never looked at me most of the time.  He’d only just kinda grunt at me to get me up for school.  But I stood there, hoping that he’d say something, just like I always did if he was awake when I got home.”  Jamie sniffled a few times.

“Then, he was staring at me.  He sat his plate down and reached out, putting his hand on my cheek.  He said, ‘you look just like her’.  Next thing he was pulling me into a hug, saying that over and over, ‘you look just like her.’  I couldn’t believe it.  He was hugging me, kissing my forehead, kissing my cheeks.  He just kept saying that though.  Then, then he was,” Jamie’s voice faltered.

“It’s okay, Jame.”  Sid said.  “What did he do?”

“He… he was kissing my cheek, then he was kissing me… I didn’t know what was going on, I was just so happy that he was holding me, saying something to me… but, just as fast as it happened, he pulled away, this look of disgust… hate… I don’t know what… he grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me.  He was yelling now.  Yelling ‘why, why do you have to look like her’ and then… then he threw me down on the floor.”  Jamie stuttered out, the tears starting again, his voice shaking as he told Sid the rest.  “Then he stood up and he yelled at me again, ‘it should have been you.  You should be dead not her.”

“Oh, Jamie.  No.”  Sid whispered.

“He kept saying that as he stepped over me, like I wasn’t even fucking there.  I was crying.  I curled up as tight as I could.  I heard him go to the kitchen and get another bottle of whatever, then he came back in.  He just stepped over me again and sat down.  I just laid there crying and he kept saying that I should have been the one that died, not her.”

Jamie’s shoulders shuddered as he tried to contain his sobs.  Sid pulled him in as tight as he could, trying to comfort him.

“Oh Jamie, no.  He was so wrong.”

Jamie shook his head, tears flowing freely now.  He sniffled several times, and tried to speak a few times before he finally managed to get out the last of his story.

“I finally got up… and… and went to bed… and he got me up… the next morning…” Jamie stuttered out between hitched breaths.  “Just like nothing happened.  When… when I came home that night… I thought…  I thought he was asleep on the couch… so I… I just went to bed…  but then… the next morning he didn’t… he didn’t come get me up… and… and when i… that was… oh god…. Sid… he… he was…”

Jamie’s whole body started shaking again as the memories and emotions held in for so many years came flooding out, “Why?  Why didn’t he love me?”  Jamie cried.  “Why?”

“Oh Jamie,” Sid didn’t know what to say to comfort Jamie, shaken up himself at the thought of Jamie, at six years old, being treated that way by his father.  He knew about the suicide, knew that Jamie had found his father.  He had believed that Jamie’s nightmares, what the trauma had been, was about finding his father.  But this.  He never dreamed that there was more, that there was something like this.

“He… oh my god… he killed himself because of me Sid… because I wasn’t… because… I wasn’t good enough… because he didn’t love me enough… because….”  Jamie’s breath caught every few words.  “I should have… died… why… why wasn’t it me…”

Sid held Jamie, rocking their bodies together until Jamie finally cried himself to sleep.

\----------------------------------------------------------

“Jamie.  Hey, wake up, baby boy.”

Jamie’s eyes fluttered open.  It took him a minute to focus.  Sid.  Sid was sitting on the edge of the bed beside him.

“Hey,” Sid leaned down and kissed his cheek.  “Good morning.  I have breakfast ready if you want to get up and come out.”

Jamie nodded and Sid got up and left him alone.  Jamie dragged himself up, went to the bathroom, then made his way out to the kitchen.  Sid was waiting with waffles, bacon, fresh fruit, juice and coffee.  They sat and ate in silence, but Sid kept his leg pressed against Jamie’s under the table.

Sid expected Jamie to just want to crash for the rest of the day.  That seemed to be how he dealt with the aftermath of an episode like the one that had happened overnight.  When he put away the last of the breakfast dishes after he’d cleaned them, he went in search of Jamie.  To his amazement, Jamie was putting on a pair of swim trunks and grabbing a towel. 

“Let’s go down to the beach,” he said to Sid, tossing a pair of trunks at him.

“Uh, okay.  You sure?  Yesterday was pretty rough, you usually just want to hibernate after, you know.”

“I want to enjoy the island,” Jamie stepped up in front of Sid, “and my honeymoon.”

“Alright.”  Sid leaned forward for a quick peck on the lips.  “Did you grab me a towel?”

“Yeppers.”  Jamie said, walking for the door.  “I’ll grab us some water, hurry up.”

They spent the morning down at the beach, collecting shells and splashing around in the water.  Jamie had been smiling and laughing the whole time, so Sid didn’t ask about what had happened the night before, nor did Jamie didn’t offer anything further.  When they came back up to the villa, they rinsed off in the outside shower and sat in the sun to dry off.  Sid made sure that he was touching Jamie as they sat, this time leaning his shoulder against Jamie’s.  The topic of conversation was what to have for dinner as neither one was evidently ready to broach the other topic yet.

After they grabbed a light lunch, they ended up on the bed swing for the afternoon, Sid sitting propped up against some pillows reading, Jamie stretched out across the bed at a T from Sid, his head on Sid’s thigh.  He had his Ipod and was listening to music, humming and singing along to various songs.

After a bit, Sid realized Jamie had gotten quiet.  He looked around his book at Jamie, who was just staring out at the ocean.  Sid jerked his leg slightly, which broke Jamie out of his deep concentration.  Jamie rolled over on his side to face Sid, keeping his head on Sid’s leg.

“I remember more about her, about my real mom, than I do him.”  Jamie said quietly.  “I can only really remember her being sick, at first she would still be up and doing things, then she spent more time on the couch.  That was about the time that we had that picture taken I think, she could still get up and get around some.  I don’t even know what she had, why she was sick.  I think I have her medical records somewhere, I think Mom and Dad got them when they finalized my adoption.  Anyway.”

“What do you remember about her?”  Sid asked, setting his book down.

“She was always hugging me and telling me how much she loved me.  We did everything together.  Like, we baked cookies, and decorated at holidays, and played games.  The biggest thing I remember is her singing to me.  She sang me to sleep every night, and as I got older, she taught me songs.  I’d sit in her lap and she’d have her guitar in front of me.  My hands couldn’t reach around the neck to hold the strings, but she’d put my hand over hers and show me the finger positions for different chords.  And she’d let me either pick or strum for different songs.”

“That’s her guitar you have, isn’t it?  I remember you telling me that.”

“Yeah.  She’s why I play.  She wanted me to play hockey, too.  I remember her being so happy when I came home from my first day.  I was so excited, telling her about meeting this other boy.  About Kyle.  Every day I would come home and tell her something he’d done in practice.  How he said he was my friend even though I was younger than him.  Stupid stuff, ya know.”  Jamie chuckled at that memory.

Sid smiled.  “Yeah, I know.”

“Then she kept getting sicker.  Most of the last year, I think, I really don’t know how long, but eventually she just was in bed all the time.  I’d still climb up with her.  She helped me with my school stuff and we’d talk, and, she’d still sing to me.  Then one day, I went to school and when I came home she was gone.  And I was left alone, with him.”  Jamie sighed and closed his eyes.

“But you have a lot of good memories of her.”  Sid reached down and cupped Jamie’s face in his hand.  “That’s what you need to hold on to, not the bad stuff.”

“I know.”  Jamie rolled over so his back was to Sid, and didn’t say anything else.  Pretty soon, Sid realized Jamie was sound asleep.  He didn’t wake him until it was time for dinner.

That evening Jamie was the one who wanted to make love out on the bed swing while they watched a storm roll in across the ocean to the north of the island.  They laid there, blissed out and content in each other’s arms watching the brilliant lightning display in the distance as they drifted off to sleep.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Sid woke up early to find the bed next to him empty.  He got up and searched the house for Jamie.  When he didn’t find him, he went back outside.  He scanned the areas around the villa, but didn’t see Jamie at first, then he caught movement on the path coming from the landing strip.

Jamie waved as he ran past the villa and headed down another path leading to the beach.  Sid waved back, relaxing now that he’d found Jamie, and his concerns from the past couple of days eased slightly by the fact that Jamie had gone for a run.  Sid went and fixed a pot of coffee, then sat on the deck and watched as Jamie made several more laps around the island.  Sid knew Jamie was working through what had happened, processing things as he ran.  He also knew that Jamie had run for quite a while, which meant there was a lot bothering him, and that he wasn’t dealing with it very well.

When Jamie finally made his way back up to the villa, Sid was finishing his second cup of coffee.

“Did you leave me any?” Jamie inquired, sitting down next to Sid on the top step of the deck stairs.

“I think there may be a cup left.”  Sid bumped his shoulder against Jamie’s.  “Good run?”

“Eh.”  Jamie shrugged.  “It was okay.”

Sid expected Jamie to get up and go in search of a cup of coffee, but instead he sat there for a few minutes, just staring out at the ocean again.

“I can’t remember him ever saying anything nice to me.  It was like, all he did was yell at me.  Tell me how stupid I was, or how I couldn’t do anything right.”  Jamie began, his voice calm and even.  “Like with the guitar, he would tell me I’d never be able to play.  Or that things I’d make at school and bring home weren’t any good. I was worthless.  I was… whatever.”

Sid sat and listened, not sure what to say, just silently trying to offer comfort and support.

“When I started hockey, he laughed at me because I couldn’t skate very well.  I fell a lot the first couple of weeks.  On the way home, he’d tell me how I’d never be any good at it.  How I should just tell her I wanted to quit.  That it was like everything else, I was too stupid to be able to do anything.”

Jamie rubbed his hand over his eyes, wiping away the tears that were forming.

“Fuck him.”  He said, standing and walking in to the villa. 

Sid sat for a few minutes before he got up and followed Jamie inside.  He found him in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee.  Sid stepped up behind Jamie and slipped his arms around Jamie’s waist, resting his head between Jamie’s shoulders.

“He was so wrong about you.” 

Jamie’s head dropped and he hunched his shoulders, curling in on himself as Sid held him.  Sid found Jamie’s hand and stepped back, pulling Jamie’s arm to make him turn around.

“Forget about the coffee for now, come on,” he tugged Jamie’s arm, leading him across the room.  “Let’s go take a shower, huh, and I’ll show you just how amazing I think you are, then I’ll fix you breakfast.  How’s that sound?”

Jamie didn’t answer, but just let Sid lead him to the shower.

A short time later, after Sid had fixed them steak and eggs for breakfast, they packed some snacks and drinks in a cooler, loaded it, a couple of chairs, a beach umbrella, and other necessities on the golf cart and drove down to the beach where they spent the day.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next night, they decided to sleep out on the bed swing again.  Jamie’s head rested on Sid’s chest, one arm tucked up between them.  With his other hand, he was lightly drawing designs on Sid’s skin.   Sid was twirling a few strands of Jamie’s hair around the fingers of one hand.  Jamie hand stilled and Sid thought maybe he’d fallen asleep, until Jamie spoke.

“You know I said I can’t remember him ever just talking to me, or saying anything nice to me, or fuck, even spending any time with me.  When she got sick, it got worse.  He yelled all the time that I was bothering her.  The sicker she got, the worse it was.”  Jamie sighed, but his voice didn’t waver as he talked.  “When she died, he stopped.  Stopped yelling.  Stopped talking to me.  Like I said, he’d barely grunt at me to get me up for school.  Nothing.  It was like I didn’t exist.”

Jamie sat up, drawing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them, pulling them tight to his chest.  He rested his chin on his knees.

“I started putting it together on the road trip in March.  Then when I saw his picture, more of it came back.  I know it was you, your voice I heard last year.  That I’ve heard in my head.  But it was his words.  It was him.  Telling me no one could love me.  Telling me I wasn’t worth loving.  That everyone would be better off if I was gone.  It was him, all him.”  He paused for a moment, his voice faltering for the first time as he continued.  “I lied to you.” He whispered.

Sid sat up, draping his arm across Jamie’s back, hooking his chin on Jamie’s shoulder.  “Huh?  About what?”

“The day of the wedding.  When I said that I didn’t want, that I hadn’t been going to do anything when I took the pills to Tanger.” Jamie said softly.

When Sid didn’t say anything, Jamie went on.  “I sat in Riverfront Park for over an hour.  Just sat there with the pill bottle in my hands.  I kept thinking, just do it.  Take the fucking pills.”

“What made you not do it?”

“After two years of talking to Janet, I can tell you a lot of the things that I think about.  I can tell you where the thoughts come from now.  I can tell you how they make me feel.  But I can’t, I can’t make them stop.  Every day, Sid.  They’re there.  Every day.  In my head.  I can push them out sometimes.  It’s easiest when I’m on the ice.  I can focus on skating.  On the puck.  On practice or a game.  It’s there most of the rest of the time, this darkness, it’s just… there.”  Jamie took a deep breath, let it out slowly and closed his eyes.   He took several more deep breaths, as if trying to steady himself, or build up the courage to say what he said next.

“Yesterday.  I was going to… I thought about…”  Jamie leaned his head back down on his bent-up knees.  “When I was running.  I stopped on the beach and just stood there.  I kept thinking how easy it would be to just walk into the water.  To just keep going until I got swallowed up by the ocean.”

Sid sat up straight, stunned by Jamie’s confession.  His body tensed, his mind racing.  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  He hadn’t thought, hadn’t dreamed that Jamie was still having, that it was this bad.  Jamie’s confession about what happened the week before the wedding, well, not a surprise.  He’d guessed Jamie wasn’t telling him the whole truth based on what Kris had said, but this.  He wanted to yell.  Wanted to scream at Jamie.   He willed himself to stay calm, however, knowing none of that would help.

Before Sid could say anything, Jamie turned and looked at him.  “You haven’t said anything about what I’ve told you the last couple of days.”  He stared at Sid for a couple of seconds, reading his expression.  “Fuck.  Oh fuck.  You’re pissed.  Fuck.”

Jamie scrambled over to the edge of the bed swing, intending to get up and leave.

“Jamie, stop!  Stop!” Sid exclaimed.  “I’m not mad.  Please.  Just stop.”

Jamie stopped.  He sat on the edge of the bed, legs dangling over the side.  Sid moved over, sitting behind him, sliding his legs on either side of Jamie, his chest tight to Jamie’s back, wrapping his arms around Jamie’s waist.  He rested his chin on Jamie’s shoulder, pressing a kiss on his check.

“I’m not mad.  I’m not.  I haven’t said anything because I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know what to say or do to make things better for you and that kills me.”  Sid dipped his head, his forehead against the top of Jamie’s shoulder.  “I knew you were struggling the week before the wedding because of what Tanger said.  But I had no idea that it was still so bad, that you were, that… fuck… I don’t want to lose you, and I’m so afraid of you doing something to hurt yourself, but I don’t know how to help you. Tell me what to do, tell me how to help you keep that darkness away.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, cause I have no fucking clue myself.” Jamie dropped his chin to his chest.  Sid felt Jamie’s whole body shudder, then Jamie continued.  “I’ve been thinking, about when we get back home.  I, maybe I should…” Jamie’s voice trailed off.

“Maybe you should what?”

“Maybe I should go somewhere for, you know, somewhere to get help.”

“In-patient treatment, you mean?”

Jamie nodded his head slowly.

“If you think that’s what you need, then we’ll talk to Janet and Stone.  Find a place they trust.”

“You’d be okay with that?”  Jamie’s asked apprehensively, his anxiety evident in his eyes as he turned to look at Sid.

“Jamie, I want what’s going to help you.  If you think that’s what we need to do, then we do it.”

“I don’t know, I just don’t know.”  Jamie swore under his breath, “fuck it.  I’m sorry.”

“Again, nothing to be sorry about.”  Sid kissed across his shoulder, then nuzzled against the back of his neck.  “It’ll be okay.”

“Nothin?  Nothin’ like fucking up our honeymoon.  And what a great way for me to suggest we start off our marriage, with me in some psych ward so I don’t fucking kill myself.” 

“This isn’t fucking up anything, so stop thinking that way.  I may not know what to say, or what to do other than listen, but before you didn’t even let me do that for you.  It’s been a big step this week, I know how hard it’s been for you to talk to me, to tell me about your real parents and all that happened.  If you think that’s fucking things up, you’re wrong.”

Sid squeezed his arms tight around Jamie’s waist as he kept talking.  “God, Jamie, that’s what I tried to tell you before the wedding.  You need to talk to me, not everyone else.  No that’s not right, at least not about this stuff.  You need to talk to me and everyone else.  We can’t do this together if you keep shutting me out, so this week, this has been good.  Maybe this is what we needed.  To be here, alone, to put things on the table and figure out what we need to do to help you.”

Jamie closed his eyes and tipped his head back onto Sid’s shoulder, laying his arms over Sid’s as they held him close.  He just sat there, letting Sid’s body against his anchor him as he thought about what Sid had just said. 

“You didn’t tell me what stopped you that day before the wedding.  Or yesterday.”  Sid asserted, pressing for Jamie to tell him.

"You.  I kept thinking about you and what it would do to you if I did it.”  Jamie lifted his head.  “I know what Kicks’ suicide did to me.  And I… I couldn’t do that to you.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------

They’d laid on the bed swing talking until the early hours of the morning, Jamie telling Sid more of his memories of his birth parents.  Telling him about those first months after his father’s suicide, living with Bill and Jean.  The nightmares that he remembered having, his fear of being sent away. 

He talked about the different times growing up when the darkness had hit him, just out of the blue.  The feelings of loneliness that started the first time he moved up to a travel team and Kicks didn’t.  The feeling lost, alone, scared in the hotel rooms even though he had other teammates with him.  How that was when the first thoughts about hurting himself showed up.

Jamie talked about Kyle’s death, how he’d thought about hurting himself then.  How it had triggered things probably.  The feelings of guilt that his father’s death brought were there, but they were over Kicks he thought, so he didn’t make the connection at the time.

He told Sid about the day Bill and Jean died.  How that was the first time he’d given in to the dark thoughts, the impulse to hurt himself.  He told him in detail what he remembered about trying to drive to his house where he planned to shoot himself, but getting stopped before he got there. 

He told Sid about Edmonton.  The hallucinations.  Seeing Kicks so vividly.  Seeing Sid when he wasn’t there.

Finally he told Sid about what happened in Edmonton, what he tried to do.  No, what he did.  All of the details he had not told anyone before, about tying the knots, about putting the tie around his neck.  All of it.  And about the nightmares it had brought afterwards, nightmares of Sid leaving him there to die.

It all came out that night as Jamie told Sid his darkest thoughts, baring his soul.


	60. Thirty Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie understood that there wasn’t some magic pill he could take to get better.  He knew all of his thoughts, all of his feelings, all of the hurt wasn’t going to go away overnight, or even in thirty days. The most recent medication Stone had put him on, however, was helping, and Jamie was taking it every day.  It looked like they had finally found something that Jamie tolerated, that didn’t cause side effects or make him feel weird or doped. 

“Are you sure about this?”  Sid sat in the driver’s seat of his Rover, his hands gripping the steering wheel, nervously rubbing the leather covering.  “You don’t want me to come in with you?”

Jamie sat in the passenger seat, staring out the front windshield at the generic looking building in front of him, Parkerson Behavioral, his home for the next 30 days.

“I’m not sure about anything.” He turned and looked at Sid, a small smile breaking through.  “But I’ll be okay.  I just want to go in by myself, okay.  We talked about this, you need to catch a plane this morning and you’ll only end up missing it if you come in with me.”

Jamie leaned over and kissed Sid, his hand sliding around the back of Sid’s neck to pull him even more into it.  Sid reached up and held Jamie’s face in his hands, his thumbs brushing over Jamie’s cheeks.  It was a long, deep, emotional kiss, the memory of which would have to sustain them for the next month. 

Sid wanted to postpone or cancel his endorsement commitments, sure that the companies would be completely understanding and okay with it because they had been with Jamie changing his schedule.  Jamie wouldn’t let him.  Even though he would be allowed visitors at Parkerson, he told Sid that he needed to go do his thing, having already given up his summer ‘routine’ for Jamie.  Not doing this would just aggravate Sid’s stress by completely blowing all of his routine things two summers in a row.  Jamie wouldn’t have that.

Jamie was the one to finally break the kiss, leaning back to his side of the Rover.  “I love you.”

"I love you.” Sid answered.

Jamie got out, grabbed his bag and his guitar out of the backseat and walked to the entrance of the treatment facility.  He turned and waved back at Sid, then disappeared through the large glass door.  Sid sat there for a minute before he could make himself drive away.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thirty days.  It doesn’t seem like a long time in the whole scheme of things, but to Jamie, at this moment, it is an eternity.  He gets himself checked in, gets his room assignment, which is a private room by request, and meets with Dr. Stone briefly to set up his schedule for the first couple of days. 

After dinner, he retreats to his room to unpack his things.  He didn’t bring much.  Clothes.  His guitar to help pass time.  His laptop. And a couple of photos of Sid and him.  He has his phone, too.  He’s allowed to have it in his room, but not when out among the other patients or at counseling sessions. 

He and Sid agreed that they would text, but not call.  Well, unless it was an emergency they wouldn’t call.  Jamie didn’t really think that being lonely on his very first night constituted an emergency.  It’s not.  Really.

“What’s wrong?” Sid answers his phone.

“Nothing.  I just.  I miss you.”  Jamie replies, sheepishly. 

“It hasn’t even been twelve hours.”  Sid looks at his watch.  “It hasn’t even been six hours.  This isn’t a good sign.”

“No.  I’ll be fine.  I just… I just wanted to hear your voice before I went to bed.  I mean, I’m not used to not talking to you.  Even when I was in the hospital, or when I was on the road trip without you, we talked before bed.  And well, maybe we should just, ya know, not change that.”

“Okay.  Whatever you want.  So, you got checked in okay?  What’s on for tomorrow?”  Sid prompted Jamie.

Jamie filled him in on everything Parkerson had to offer.  He’d be participating in a few group counseling sessions, individual time every day with Stone and Janet, and some activities that are designed to help him manage his depression and anxiety.  In addition, there is a gym where he can work out whenever he wants, any time of day.

They talk for over an hour before Sid finally says he needs to get some sleep because he has an early day the next day.  He’s in Cole Harbour where he’ll be doing a photo shot and ads for Timmy’s with Nate.  Jamie says good-night, to tell Nate hello, and that he’ll talk to Sid tomorrow night.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie’s phone chirps at five o’clock in the morning.  He’d been sitting on the edge of his bed debating about going to the workout room the facility offered so he could run.  The thought of running on a treadmill doesn’t thrill him, but it’s the only option available while he’s there.  He picks up his phone and looks at the text message.

Sid:  _[Play That Song by Train](https://youtu.be/KFuZl90DoSU)_

Sid:  _Good morning!  I thought we could do something to make the days go by faster.  This is the 30 Day Music Challenge.  Every day, I send you a song, first thing in the morning.  Can be anything… but will always be a special message to you that you’ll get. You send me a song at the end of your day, last thing you do before you go to sleep after we chat of course..  To tell me how you are feeling or what you are thinking about.  Up to it??_

_Sid:  That first song doesn’t count.  This is your first song.  I thought I’d get your day started with a little reminder of how much I love you._

Sid:  _[My Guy](https://youtu.be/4WT7nBGX5eU)_

Jamie chuckled as he clicked on the link and listened to the song, he couldn’t help singing along.  A few minutes later, his phone chirped again. 

Sid:  _Well?_

Jamie:  _I’m in.  First song was a good choice.  Made me smile.  Think I’m gonna go run in the gym, breakfast starts at 6:30 and then first session with Stone is at 7:30.  Anyway.  No phone all day, remember that… stupid rule if you ask me.  I’ll call tonight.  Love you!_

Jamie’s first day was busy as he got acclimated to what would be his routine while in treatment.  Parkinson Behavioral was a topline facility.  Dr. Stone was one of the partners that opened the treatment center, which offered both out-patient and in-patient treatment, providing services to a wide-range of clients, but specializing in PTSD. 

Working out was encouraged as a way to deal with stress, anxiety, and depression.  Someone staffed the gym 24/7 so that if a patient felt the need to work out at any time they could.  Jamie only found a couple of other guys when he got there around 5:30. They told him it was a nice quiet time to work-out.

Breakfast was buffet style, and the food surprisingly good.  Eggs.  Bacon.  Sausage.  Ham.  Fruit.  Toast.  Waffles.  Pancakes.  Cereal.  Just about everything you could imagine.  Jamie found out that all of the meals were like that.  A wide variety of foods with all kinds of different dietary options.  Okay, so the eating part was going to be okay, Jamie thought as he perused the options for dinner.

He would meet with Dr. Stone every day at 7:30 to go over how the previous day had gone and set up which groups Jamie would attend that day.  They would also be starting Jamie on yet another anti-depressant, and closely monitoring his dosage and how he tolerated it. 

Jamie had quit taking the last one they tried after they got back from the cabin.  He’d told Sid it made him feel weird, but it didn’t cause any reaction like the other one had last year.  He just didn’t like taking it.  That needed to change, Stone told him.  They would put him on something, low dose, and then work on a plan that would help Jamie stay on the medication after he went home.

Jamie would participate in several group sessions every day.  Stone felt the groups would be beneficial, so over the course of the first week Jamie would sit-in on each one and then talk about them with Janet and Stone to decide what groups he would be in for the rest of his time.  A couple of the groups were for in-patients only, but they had counterparts that out-patients and in-patients could join.  As far as Jamie could tell there were no groups just for out-patients.

Stone insisted Jamie participate in a group for people who’d lost someone to suicide, and in a group for children who’d lost their parents in a tragic way.  Other than that, Jamie could decide what other groups he wanted to be in.

At some point during the day, Jamie would meet with Janet.  She’d been disappointed, he knew, even if she didn’t come right out and say it.  Disappointed that he’d done what he did the day of Aces and Ice and that he’d withheld that information from her.  He knew he’d lost some of her trust and it would take time to rebuild that trust.

After dinner, if he didn’t go to a group, there was a daily movie in the commons, or he was free to work-out or just hang out in his room.  Family and friends authorized by the patient could visit at any time during the day, but were encouraged to come after dinner in the evening.  Also, as he’d reminded Sid, patients could have their cellphones in their rooms, but were not allowed to have them anywhere else during the day, because of privacy issues, and because they could distract from the counseling sessions.

The first day had gone okay.  Just… okay.

By the time Jamie got back to his room that evening he was exhausted, mentally and physically.  And he was missing Sid.  He reread Sid’s texts from that morning, listing to _My Guy_ again.  He got ready for bed before he called Sid to say goodnight.  They end up talking for over an hour again, Jamie telling Sid all about his first day.

After they end the call, Jamie sends Sid a text with his song for the day.

Jamie:  _[Would It Matter by Skillet](https://youtu.be/82hLvgGuDu8)_

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They get into a routine, Sid texting his song first thing in the morning.  Jamie calling at night, then sending his song to Sid.  Before he knows it, Jamie has put in a week at Parkerson. 

Each night, he tells Sid about his day.  The first week was hard on them both.  Several times Sid thought about just coming home and showing up at Parkerson.  Jamie’s song choices that first week were tough on Sid.  The depression, the fears, the feelings of loneliness that Jamie expressed through the songs tugged at Sid’s heart as he listened to the lyrics.  When he matched them to what Jamie told him about his counseling sessions it became heartbreaking.

Sid started picking songs to respond to Jamie’s choice.  To let him know how he felt, but also to reassure Jamie that he wasn’t in this alone, that as Sid always promised, they’d get through this together.  That Sid would always be there for him.  Would always love him.

One night that first week, Jamie sent the song _What If I Told You,_ by Jason Walker, the next morning Sid sent back _Bridge Over Troubled Water_ , the cover by John Legend.  That night when Jamie called he told Sid another story he’d remembered about his father.  Jamie said it had come back to him that afternoon as he talked in one of his group sessions. 

“It’s tough talking about it.  To refer to him as dad or my father, ‘cause that’s Bill to me.”  Jamie remarked at one point.

“Then don’t call him that.” Sid offered.

“What?”

“He wasn’t your dad, Jame.  You’ve said that.  So why do you keep calling him that?  What did other people call him?  James?  Jim?  Call him that.”

“James.  He was James and I was Jamie.  That’s what she called us.”  Jamie said softly.  “James.”

“Call him that.  Make him less, I don’t know, make it all less personal.  Detach yourself from him.  Does that make sense?”  Sid suggested.  “I mean, I can’t believe nobody has suggested that to you.  To distance yourself from him.”

Jamie was silent on the other end of the phone.

“Jame? I’m sorry.  If you don’t want…”

“No.  I… I just never thought about that.  About not calling him dad”

“Something to think about then?”

“Yeah.  Something.”  Jamie was fairly quiet for the rest of their chat, letting Sid do all the talking as he told Jamie about something Taylor and Trina did.

After that night, Jamie never again referred to James Russell as his father.  His real parents became James and Sharon, while Bill and Jean became Dad and Mom exclusively.   

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie understood that there wasn’t some magic pill he could take to get better.  He knew all of his thoughts, all of his feelings, all of the hurt wasn’t going to go away overnight, or even in thirty days. The most recent medication Stone had put him on, however, was helping, and Jamie was taking it every day.  It looked like they had finally found something that Jamie tolerated, that didn’t cause side effects or make him feel weird or doped. 

There were a few rough days as Jamie confronted his demons.  Truly confronted them, not just skirted issues or told Janet what he thought she wanted to hear.  The nights after those sessions had been brutal, the nightmares leaving him shaking in a cold sweat.  Each time it happened, he called Sid, regardless of the time.  Each time, Sid would just talk to him until Jamie would eventually calm down and fall back to sleep.

One of the hardest demons to confront was wanting to hurt himself, wanting to end it all, to just walk away as Jamie put it.  Confronting that demon took several sessions over the second week of treatment, both individual and group counseling.  Jamie talked a lot about James then, and about Kyle.  Each night he told Sid everything, not holding anything back.  Slowly, surely, Sid heard a change in Jamie, as he worked through his issues.

By the third week, Sid noticed a change in the songs Jamie was sending him as well.  The depression songs were fewer, replaced by songs that were more hopeful, or that expressed his love for Sid.  When Jamie sent him _Baby Got Back_ , Sid knew that things were getting better.  Sid sent him _Mr. Lover_ by Shaggy the next morning.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie’s time in Parkerson would mean he’d miss the opening weekend of training camp.  He was a little, no, a lot upset about that.  He tried to argue that he was ready to get out, but Stone told him he’d made the 30 day commitment when he came, with the knowledge that he’d miss the start of training camp.

Jamie’s absence opening weekend, with only the excuse that he was out with an undisclosed injury, led to feverish levels of speculation in the media.  The fact that not only was he not practicing, but was not anywhere to be found, only added to the mystery.  Stories that he’d attempted suicide again, that he was hospitalized with exhaustion, that the stress of the wedding had been too much, that he’d had a nervous breakdown, that he was holding out for a new contract negotiation and more money, even, all flooded the news.

On September 20th, the day the Pens would open their preseason play with a game against the Blues in Pittsburgh, Sid stood outside of Parkerson Behavioral, trying to look calm as he casually leaned against the hood of Jamie’s Jeep.  Inside, a million butterflies were doing acrobatics in his stomach.  He stared at the large glass door, waiting.

When Jamie stepped through the door, Sid couldn’t help but think how good Jamie looked.  He’d put on some weight and toned up again.  His hair was playoff long and shaggy, and he was actually sporting a little bit of a five o’clock shadow.  As he strode toward Sid, Jamie’s whole face lit up.

“Ready to go home?”

“So fucking ready.” Jamie walked past Sid and put his stuff in the back of the Jeep then came back around to hug Sid, kissing him long, and deeply.

Sid held Jamie’s hand across the center consul the whole way home.  When they walked in, Jamie set his stuff down and took Sid’s hand, leading him in to the living room.  He turned to face Sid when he got to the center of the room, laying his left hand on Sid’s right shoulder, and holding his right hand up, waiting for Sid to take it.

“Dance with me.” Jamie said.  “I’ll let you lead.”

“You don’t just want to go upstairs?  Not, you know, hungry?”

“Not right yet.  Just… dance with me.”  Jamie stepped closer.

Sid took Jamie’s hand and put his other hand on Jamie’s waist.  “There’s no music.”

Jamie dipped his head down next to Sid’s, “Got that covered.”

As Sid guided Jamie across the floor, the only sound in the room was Jamie singing _My Guy_ softly against Sid’s shoulder.


	61. Epilogue - Another Wedding Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ugh.  I just… ugh.”  Jamie rubbed his hands over his face.  “I feel so old.”  
> He walked over and sat down in the chair next to Sid, reaching out to hold his hand.   
> “Yeah.  You’re ancient.”  Sid kidded him.  “I’m the one over 50.”  
> “When did she grow up.” The melancholy coming out in his voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for this chapter in the lives of Jamie and Sidney to come to an end. But there will be more...
> 
> This closing opens up a lot more of their future. It has sad parts, and happy parts... the death of a minor character and a future character... and the addition of an adopted son...
> 
> I hope you like it, and you've liked this story... 
> 
> The next part of this should be up in a couple of weeks, so keep an eye out for it.... going to try and get caught up on some other works and get a few chapters ahead of the next story... as always, thank you so much for following my boy's story and for all the kudos and wonderful compliments...

He stood in front of the mirror in their bedroom, adjusting his tie, tucking it into the black vest of his tux.  When he was done, he stepped back, smoothing down the material with a tug on the bottom of the vest.

“Damn.  I still make this look good.” Jamie admired his reflection.

Sid stepped behind him, wrapping his arms around Jamie’s waist and hooking his chin over Jamie’s shoulder.

“Yes you do, baby boy.”  Sid kissed Jamie’s cheek.  “Just as handsome as on our wedding day.”

“I can’t believe she’s getting married.  She’s only 20, Sid.  She’s too young.”

“You were only 20 when we got married.  She’s not too young.”  Sid let go of Jamie and walked over to sit down in the high-backed chair across the room by the windows.  “You said you were okay with this.”

Jamie turned around, “That was before, I never thought we’d really get to this day.  She’s 20 and she’s marrying some hockey player.  That really doesn’t concern you a little?”

“She’s not marrying some hockey player, Jame.  She’s marrying Nikki.”

“Who’s only 22 himself.  God, they’re just kids.” 

“You sound like G.  They’ve known each other their whole lives.  They’ve dated for five years.  That’s longer than you and I dated before we got married.  That’s longer than G and Anna dated.  They’re in love and they’re ready to be married.”

“Ugh.  I just… ugh.”  Jamie rubbed his hands over his face.  “I feel so old.”

He walked over and sat down in the chair next to Sid, reaching out to hold his hand. 

“Yeah.  You’re ancient.”  Sid kidded him.  “I’m the one over 50.”

“When did she grow up.” The melancholy coming out in his voice.

There was a knock on the door and it pushed open slowly.  Antonio stuck his head inside.

“Are you ready to go?  Kylie’s downstairs pacing.” Their son questioned.

“Tell her to give your dad another five minutes, he’s having a mild nervous breakdown.”  Sid told their sixteen-year-old.

Tony gave him a strange look, “Dad?”

“Papa is being a smart ass, Tone.  Tell her we’ll be down in a minute.  Hey, did you get your tie okay?”

“Yeah, Ky did it for me.” 

He stepped back out of the room and pulled the door closed behind him.  Jamie leaned his head against the back of the chair and groaned.

“Speaking of growing up.” Jamie sighed.  “He wants to go take his driver’s test this week, did he tell you?”

“Yes.  And he seems to think he’s getting a car if he passes.”  Sid stands up and goes to put his jacket on.  “Something you want to tell me?”

“I may have said something about my folks getting me a car at sixteen.”  Jamie stands to get his jacket as well, giving Sid a guilty look.  “What?  It makes sense.  He can drive himself to practices and games.”

“We’ll talk about it later.”  Sid reaches and smooths the lapels of Jamie’s tux jacket.  He really does make it look good, he thinks.  “Right now, we need to go give our girl away.”

“God.  I’m not going to make it through this.”  Jamie moans, taking Sid’s hand as they walk out of the bedroom.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s a beautiful ceremony, with lots of tears, and laughs, and love.  Their friends are there, coming back to Pittsburgh to help them celebrate Kylie’s marriage to Nikita Malkin.  The reception is held at a local country club.  As Jamie sits watching his daughter dance with her new husband, he can’t help but think how different this wedding is from his own.  It is the marriage of two hockey dynasty families, but it is far more subdued and private.

He can’t help but be apprehensive about things as well.  After the honeymoon, Kylie and Nikki will be moving to Chicago.  Nikki plays for the ‘Hawks, a forward as big and prolific at goal scoring as his father was.  They’ve done the long-distance relationship for years, and they are still together.  An amazing feat, Jamie thinks, but it tells him that they really are in love.

Kylie has grown up into a beautiful young woman.  She has Jamie’s green eyes, which she used to her advantage growing up, getting whatever she wanted from Sid by just giving him a soft look.  She had her mother’s blonde hair, long and wavy, and her athletic build.  She’d played hockey for a little while, playing defense in high school, but she’d stopped when she’d started college due to a recurring knee injury.  She always said it was fine, she’d pursue the business management end of sports. 

This fall, she was transferring from Duquesne University to a school in Chicago.  Jamie is really going to miss her.  He feels like he missed out on so much when she was younger, because he kept playing after Sid retired.  Sid who got to be the hockey dad, taking her to practices and games, getting to skate with her all the time.  Jamie had summers and other times, but it wasn’t the same because he played and traveled a lot.  Kylie might look like Jamie, but she was definitely her Papa’s girl.

Tony was more Jamie’s, probably because Jamie was the one he’d known first, through his mom.  Jamie saw her in him at times.  Warm brown eyes.  The dark, tightly curled hair.  The same features and soft, brown skin.  He had her smile and her laugh and Jamie could hear her when he talked.

What in the world was Toni ever thinking when she named Jamie and Sid as her son’s guardians in her will?  Could that all really have been seven years ago, he muses as he watches his son dancing with Jamie Dumoulin, Brian’s youngest.

When Jamie had given Toni money from the settlement after his parents’ accident, he’d told her he was just putting her on retainer.  “Never know when I’ll need a good orthopedic surgeon, Toni.” He’s told her.  How true that statement would be all those years later.

Nine years ago, he thinks, god how time flies by at this point.  It was after practice, he and his rookie, Jakob Nikolayevich had left practice at Cranberry and were driving home.  He’d let Nico drive, because the youngster was learning to drive to surprise his mother when she visited.  It was snowing and the roads were slick, Jamie still regrets giving in to Nico.

They were on 279 headed in to pick up some things at PPG that Nico needed when a semi-trailer jackknifed on the bad roads.  There had been a pile-up of nearly 20 cars.  Nico couldn’t avoid the accident, caught right in the middle of it.

Jamie shut his eyes, not wanting to remember it.  Nico had been killed instantly.  Jamie was seriously injured, his leg trapped for over an hour while the rescue workers tried to cut him out of the wreckage.  Thank god for Toni. 

She had moved east for her surgical residency and had stayed, working for UPMC in their sports medicine department.  It took her six surgeries, but she saved Jamie’s leg.  The good thing, he could walk.  The bad thing, his hockey career as a player was over. 

Toni had never told him who her son’s father was, just saying he never wanted to be a part of Tony’s life.  Jamie had kind of been his pseudo father from the moment he met him, but Toni never told him about the will.  Two years after Jamie’s accident, when Tony was just nine years old, his mother had died of a massive heart attack.  It had been a shock to everyone who knew her.

Tony had come to live with Sid and Jamie then.  The first year was rough, Tony depressed and withdrawn, mad at the world.  Jamie had been there, and little by little, he helped Tony get through it.  He and Sid officially adopted Tony when he turned eleven.

Tony played hockey, because Jamie had taken him to the rink when he was little and he’d fallen in love with it.  He played goalie for his team in one of the local leagues.  Jamie was sure that if he wanted, Tony could be playing major juniors.  That was another way in which Tony reminded Jamie of himself, Tony was reluctant to leave the safety of his new home.  They’d work on that, Jamie thought.  But he wouldn’t push it, just as Bill Marsh had never pushed him.

Sid stepped in front of Jamie with his hand held out, pulling Jamie from his thoughts.  “Dance with me, baby boy.”

“Always.”  Jamie took Sid’s hand and let him lead them to the dance floor.

Sid’s going to be 52 in a month and he still looks like he could be on the ice playing, Jamie thinks.  His boyish good looks still make Jamie’s heart flutter when he looks at him.  There’s some grey in Sid’s dark locks, and more wrinkles than before, but he’s aged very well.  When he retired, Sid became a coach for Kylie’s team.  He’d stayed with it until she gave up hockey, but had become more active again as Tony’s career progressed.  And he and Jamie still ran the Sidney Crosby Hockey School every summer.

After the accident, the Pens had kept Jamie on the roster, listed as long-term injured reserve, through the end of his contract a year and a half later.  It had been clear the night of the accident, though, that Jamie would never play hockey again.  Nico’s death had hit him hard, compounding his physical recovery with the mental health issues it brought back.

Sid had gotten him through it.  Or, they had gotten through it together.  Jamie feeling guilty about Nico.  The depression of his career ending before he was ready.  All of it.  Together.  In the end, Jamie had been able to move on, having Tony come in to their lives full-time had helped.  It gave him something to focus on besides himself.  He’d tried at that point to also just walk away from the Pens, but he missed them, missed it more than Sid had, which surprised them both.

When they offered him a job as an assistant coach, he jumped at the chance.  That was three years ago, this fall.  When the season started in a couple of months, the Pens would have a new head coach as Jamie was taking over for John Hynes, who had come back to the Pittsburgh organization several years ago.

Sid led Jamie around the dance floor, noticing that his husband was somewhere far away in thought.

“Hey,” he squeezed his hand to bring him back to the now, “you aren’t still worrying, are you?”

“No.  Just thinking about things.  About life.  It’s been quite the ride.  We’ve been through a lot of shit together.”

“Together.”  Sid emphasizes. 

“What’s that saying, from Shakespeare.  True love never does run smooth, or something like that.”

The song they are dancing to ends, and the familiar strains of another song begin playing.  They look at their daughter who is standing over by the DJ.  She gives them a little smile as he hands her the microphone.

“This is for my dad and my papa.  Thank you for giving me so much and for always being there for me.”  Kylie announces.

Jamie leans his head down next to Sid’s and sings the first line softly into his ear.

_What would I do without your smart mouth drawing me in, and you kicking me out Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down…_

“It was worth it all.”  Sid says.  “In the end, it was worth every rough spot, every good time, everything.”

“What was?”  Jamie asks.

“True love.”  Sid leans close and whispers into Jamie’s ear.  “True live and having you in my life.”


End file.
